A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be in IT", says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's no use to anyone." The man below says "you must be a manager". "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

A Mexican magician tells the audience that he will disappear on the count of three. He says "uno... dos..." *poof*. And he disappears without a trace

There are four passengers on a plane: A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan, and a Mexican. The pilot gets on the radio and says that there is a problem with the plane, and three people need to get off in order for the plane to not crash. He says there are no parachutes. The four passengers sit quietly, looking at one another, and soon the Frenchman gets up and yells, "Vive la France!" and jumps out of the plane. Now, the rest of them are excited because he just sacrificed himself for them. Before long, the Englishman stands and yells, "Long live the Queen!" and he too jumps out of the plane. The pilot gets on the radio and says that one more person must jump. The Texan, adrenaline rushing, jumps out of his seat and at the top of his lungs screams, "Remember the Alamo!!" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Thanks to http://unijokes.com/ An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."  The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

One morning Tom calls his boss and says "Good morning, boss.  Unfortunately, I feel terrible today. I got a headache and stomach ache, so I'm going to take a sick day, if that's alright." His boss replies: "You know Tom, I really need you to come in today.  So, I'll tell you, when I feel like this I go to my wife, and I ask her for some sexy time. That always makes me feel better, and then I can go to work. You should try that."  2 hours later Tom calls back, "Hey Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great so I'll see you at work soon. By the way, you've got nice house."

Thanks http://www.bluedonut.com/jokes.htm Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here!"

Thanks to Don Steinberg On a Saturday morning, three boys come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.   Their mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some fuckin' French toast," outraged at his crude language.  She hits him and sends him upstairs. When she calms down, she asks the middle child what he wants.  "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin' French toast for me," he says.  The mom is livid and She smacks him and sends him away. Finally, she looks at the youngest son and asks him what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the fuckin' French toast!" 

Thanks to Neel Burton. In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes." "And what do you infer from these stars?" "Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe: Astronomically, I observe that there are millions of galaxies and billions of stars and planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I expect that the weather will be fine and clear. Theologically, I see that God is all-powerful, and man, his creation, small and insignificant. What about you, Holmes?" "Watson, you fool. Someone has stolen our tent!"

Thanks to http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/saints/labor_day.htm In the week before Labor Day, Eli, a poor country farmer won $480,000 in the Lottery.  As a treat he took his wife and their four children to see the Labor Day parade in New York City. They booked into the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North.  Having never been further than their local town, Benton in Arkansas they were bowled over by glitz and excitement of the "Big Apple". Eli and his son Clem were especially mesmerized by a shiny box with silver walls. Neither had seen an elevator before.  Therefore, they were amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed. The lights outside on the wall flashed for a minute, then the doors opened and out came a beautiful young woman. Eli turned to his son Clem and said, 'Son, go get your mother.'

Thanks to Neel Burton "Doctor," said the receptionist, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible." "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

Thanks to Neel Burton. A Zen student goes to a temple and asks how long it will take him to gain enlightenment if he joins the temple. "Enlightenment can be achieved here in ten years," says the Zen master. "Well, how about if I really work and double my effort?" The student asks.  And the Zen master responds "Ah, then you may achieve enlightenment in twenty years."

Thanks to http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/78/funny-story-2/ An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day, so when he reached his hotel in Florida he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her email address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.  Hearing this, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on her computer screen:  Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Thanks to https://www.wattpad.com/6059636-prison-jokester A young man is sentenced to fifteen years in prison.  The warden takes an immediate liking to him and puts him in a cell with a kindly old timer so that he can be shown the ropes and not get himself into too much trouble. So the oldtimer teachs the youngster the rules of the prison, whatto do, what not to do, stuff like that.  One of the rules he learns is that there is no talking allowed during meals. But, a curious thing happens at his first meal... once everyone is seated, one of the prisoners stands up and loudly says, "47."  Everyone in the hall laughs hysterically.  A few minutes later, another prisoner stands up and loudly says, "19." Again, everyone splits up laughing.  This goes on throughout the meal. Later, when the youngster and the oldtimer get back to their cell, the young man asks, "What was going in the mess hall tonight? I thought you said there was no talking allowed." "Ah, yes, the mess hall.  Well years ago, the warden eased up on that rule a bit.  You see, all of us inmates have memorized a long list of jokes and stories by the number, so that all one of us has to do is call out its number, and, because we have all of the stories memorized, it's like someone told the whole funny story."  After a few weeks of this mealtime behavior, the young man gets up a bit of nerve and decides to join in the fun. So, one evening at the dinner meal, he stands up and loudly says,"26." No one laughs. So he tries again, "26." Still nothing so he sits down sheepishly and embarrassed. Later, he pleads with the oldtimer to explain what happened.  "Number 26 is such a funny story, how come no one laughed?" The old man turned to him and explained, "It must be the way you told it."

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?  Tennish I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get angry if she heard me say that. Last night me and my girlfriend watched two DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. Parallel lines have so much in common.  It's a shame they'll never meet. What did the pirate say when he turned 80?  Aye Matey I tried to catch fog yesterday.  I mist.  How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?  It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain People say I'm condescending.  That means I talk down to people Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

Thanks to netfunny.com Once upon a time there was a farmer whose wife had died and left him withthree beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them. One Saturday night, there was a knock on the door.  He answered and the young man said, "Hi, my name's Joe.  I'm here for Flo.  I'm taking her to the show.Is she ready to go?"  The farmer thought he was a clever boy andwished them a good time for the evening.  A few minutes later, another knock was heard.  A second boy appeared and said, "Hi, I'm Eddie.  I'm here for Betty.  I'm taking her for spaghetti.I hope she's ready."  The farmer thought that he must know Joe so he offered them his best wishes as well for a fun and swell evening.  A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard. "Hi, I'm Chuck..."  And the farmer shot him. 

These two elderly couples are hanging out one evening having a lovely time when one of the men starts raving about this fantastic restaurant he and his wife went to the other night.  So the other man asks “Really? What was it called? He thinks for a second then says, “What's the name of that flower that smells so good?” “What, a rose?" so he says, “Yes that’s it,” and looks toward his wife  “Hey, Rose what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other night?”

Thanks to http://www.greatcleanjokes.com/ A man died and went before St. Peter who said, “Before you meet with God,  I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad, so we’re not really sure what to do with you.  Please give us something to work with here, anything , Enlighten us"  The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Well, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, and got bat out of the truck, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his nipple. Well, I tore the  ring out, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive... when did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,”

Two nuns are ordered by their Mother Superior to paint a room in the convent, but not to get a drop of paint on their habits.  So the nuns decide to lock the door of the room, remove their habits, and paint in the nude. After a while theres a knock at the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man,"  The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide what harm can there be  letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door. The man comes in and says "Holy mary mother of god, sisters!  Where do you want me to put these blinds?"

With thanks to Keegan-Michael Key (aka Kee-Mi-Key).  A guy is dragging another guy home who's like "it's going to be fine... just tell my wife........aghahghahghgha", so he's drunk and the guy is dragging him and he's dragging him and he's dragging him and he gets him home, lays him on the porch and rings the doorbell "bing bong".   the guy's wife comes out in a robe and she's like "oh my god there he is".  "I'm sorry ma'am, before you say anything I just met the guy, we tied one on a little bit and he got a little bit drunk, i'm sorry to bring him home like this, I apologize."  "Where's his wheelchair?"

A little old lady walks into the a bank with a bag full of money and insists that she must speak with the president of the bank. She tells the bank president that she has accumulated several hundred thousand dollars over the years and would like to open a trust in the bank. The president is curious, so he asks her, "Where did you get all this money?" and the old lady replies, "I make bets." The president then asks, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman says, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughs the president, "That's rediculous!" The old lady challenges, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet you $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says, "OK. I'll bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10 a.m. as a witness, and we'll see." The next morning, the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. "OK," she says, "Let's settle this, time to drop your pants." The president complies. The little old lady peers closely at his balls and says, "Well, I'm going to have to feel them to know for sure.  The bank president says, "go ahead, they may not be the roundest balls but they certainly aren't square" Just then, the lawyer starts banging his head against the wall. The president asks the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replies, "I bet him $50,000 that at 10 a.m. today, I'd have the president of the bank's balls in my hand."

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had this urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did."  "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

Little Benny, the polar bear, went to his dad one day and said "Dad, am I really a polar bear?" and his dad said "Well, yes of course, I'm a polar bear and your mom is a polar bear, so you are a polar bear." So, little Benny went to his mom and said "Mom, am I really a polar bear?" and his mom said "Well yes, of course sweetheart, I'm a poloar bear and your dad is a polar bear. Your grandpappy and grandmammy are polar bears, I assure you sweety, you are a polar bear." So, little Benny wen to to his sister and said "Am I really a polar bear?" and she said "Yeah! Of course! Why?" And, he said "Because I'm fuckin' cold!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones started by explaining the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you do not have GI insurance, and you go into battle and are killed, the government only has to pay $6000 to your beneficiaries. Now, which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, fortunately little Johnny, who was sitting behind her, took a pen and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.  A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.  Then the teacher called on April a third time. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pen. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"

One night as a bartender is closing up his bar, he hears a knock at the back door. When he opens the door, there is a bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick please?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up his bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the door. Again, there stands another bum who asks, "Can I have a toothpick?" The bartender gives him a toothpick and continues cleaning up the bar. Five minutes later, he hears another knock at the back door. This time, there's a bum asking for a straw. The owner gives him a straw, but finally asks what's going on out there. The bum replies, "Some lady threw up in the back, but all the good stuff is gone."

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack comes up and says, ''I'm sick of your polack jokes and I'm going to knock the shit out of you.'' The ventriloquist replies ''I'm sorry, it was all in good fun." To which the polack responded, ''I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the little asshole on your knee."

A girl sees three dogs in the park and kneels down to pet them. "What's your name?" she asks the first. To her surprise, the dog answers "My name's Huey. I'm having a great day! I've been going in and out of puddles all day." She goes up to the second dog and asks "What's your name?" The dog replies "My name's Duey and I'm also having a great day going in and out of puddles." She turns to the third dog and says "I suppose you're going to tell me your names Luey and you're having a great day going in and out of puddles." The dog replies "No, I'm having a fucking miserable day and my name is Puddles."

There are two cannibals that are sitting around the fire enjoying a clown that had the misfortune of stumbling in the camp earlier that day. When one of them look to the other and said "Does this taste funny to you?"

Four monks were meditating in a monastery when, all of a sudden, the prayer flag on the roof started flapping. The youngest monk came out of his meditation and said, "Flag is flapping." The second, more experienced monk said, "Wind is flapping." The third monk, who had been there for more than twenty years, said, "Mind is flapping." The fourth monk, who was the eldest, said, "Mouths are flapping!"

Two lawyers arrive at a pub and order a couple of drinks at the bar. Then they each open up their briefcases, take out sandwiches and begin to eat them.  The pub owner, unhappy with this situation, approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'  The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day. 'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

A guy said to God, "God, is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second." —Mark DeBolt

(Explicit) A woman walks into an ice cream parlor and tells the guy behind the counter, "I'd like a gallon of chocolate ice cream, please." The counter man says, "I'm sorry but we just ran out of chocolate ice cream, can I interest you in another flavor? She says, "In that case, I'll have half a gallon of chocolate ice cream." "Ma'am, I'm sorry but I just told you we don't have any chocolate ice cream." "Okay, then I'll have a pint of chocolate ice cream." "Look lady, I said we don't have ANY chocolate ice cream." "That's okay, I'll have an ice cream cone with two scoops of chocolate." The counter man, now at his wits end says, "Lady, how do you spell the 'straw' in strawberry?" She says, "S-T-R-A-W." "Right, now how do you spell the 'van' in vanilla?" "V-A-N." "Great, now how do you spell the 'fuck' in chocolate?" She says, "There is no 'fuck' in chocolate." So the counter man blurts out: "That's what I've been trying to tell you,"

With thanks to Ahmet Kasan- So, a man is climbing up a mountain when he slips and falls, and as he is is tumbling down, he fortunately catches hold of a small branch. As he is hanging there he doesn’t know what to do so he resorts to hollering up, "Help! Is there anybody up there?" A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you! Whatever! Just tell me what I need to do!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Help! Is there anybody else up there?"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter greets them by saying, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, so it's not log before the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, same thing... ugly man, chains them together, all eternity. The third woman has observed all this is very, VERY careful and manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on and chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Damn, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey."

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tutti Homini" - Meaning, Blessed be Mankind. A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day and told him that they noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini" - Meaning Blessed be Ma nkind and Womankind. The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, Tutti Homini, et Tutti Femini, et Tutti Fruiti.

A female business executive is late for a meeting and is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says, "Ma'am, can I please see your license?" She replies, "Sorry officer, but it got revoked two years ago for drunk driving." He furrows his brow and asks, "Well in that case can I see the registration and insurance for the car?" She replies, "I stole the car and killed the driver, he's in the trunk." The officer immediately reacts and calls his captain for backup. Five minutes later, half of the local police squad pulls up and the Captain walks over to the woman's window. "Ma'am, may I please see your license?", he asks sternly. She replies, "Of course, officer," pulling her license from her purse. He squints warily at the license, "OK. Can I see the registration to this car?" She pulls the registration and proof of insurance out of the glove box and hands it to him. He suddenly bursts out, "Ma'am, please open your trunk!". She does so, and the captain looks in, sees no body, and says "I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, killed the driver and the dead body was in the trunk. To which the woman responds: "Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."

Confucius say: Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day Also say: He who let woman on top is screwing up. Confucius say: Man who stand on toilet is high on pot! Confucius say: Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time. Confucius say: Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off. Confucius say: If you turn an oriental around, he become disoriented. Confucius say: Man who throw a cat out car window, makes kitty litter. Confucius say: Woman is like jazz music, 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time. Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are seated side-by-side at a bar. Each has a mug of beer in front of him. Simultaneously, three flies land in the beers, one in each mug. The Englishman looks at his beer, pushes it away and asks the bartender for a new one. The Scotsman reaches his fingers into the beer, picks up the fly, throws it to the floor and drinks his beer. The Irishman reaches into the beer, picks up the fly, holds it over the glass and yells, “Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!”

There's this married couple and its their 25th anniversary. they got 3 sons and on their anniversary the 3 sons gave them each presents. the first son He gave them a cadillac. He's doing good. Second son give his Mom in a mink coat. third son He sent home a $10,000 parakeet that could speak 9 languages, about 3 days later the third son comes home and says did you get that parakeet? and my said that yeah well we cooked it up today but it was a little small to go around, and the son said you mean to tell me You cooked a $10,000 parakeet that bird could speak 9 languages. And mama said, he didn't say nothin.