Many Dads want to “step up with their hearts” and “actively parent,” says Maggie Dent, Australian parenting author and host of The Good Enough Dad and Parental As Anything podcasts. “They want to know how to do it well,” she says, noting that most dads have little experience caring for (or interacting with!) children prior to becoming a parent. Moms, though, often unconsciously interfere with dads’ parenting efforts by criticizing fathers or insisting that dads follow their parenting directives.“If you keep telling a boy or a man they’re ‘doing it wrong,’ they’ll just stop,” Maggie says. “Moms have to let go a bit. You’ve got to step back.”Dads need time to figure out parenting too. They need space to make mistakes (& discoveries!) And they need to know that we value their contributions.Boys (and girls and nonbinary children) do best when dads are involved. Building up dads benefits boys!In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:Changing expectations for dadsMaternal gatekeepingCreating “team parent”How dads support one anotherUsing “dad dates” to connect with your kidsSupporting dadsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)The Good Enough Dad — podcast hosted by MaggieDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on How to Motivate Boys — 2022 ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Our Sponsors:* Check out Armoire and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.armoire.style* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jaclyn Greenberg often feels like she’s living a divided life.When her daughter was born, there was music and laughter in the birthing room. When her disabled son was born, there was no music. No laughter. In fact, everyone swept out of the room soon after the baby’s birth, taking him with them. Jacyln hadn’t even had a chance to say hello.Raising a disabled son alongside two typically-developing children (her daughter and youngest son) presents unique challenges and opportunities.“I’ve learned, from my son, how to advocate for and speak up for my son, and it’s taught me how to do that for myself and other people in my family,” says Jaclyn, a writer who’s working on a memoir that’s tentatively titled Keeping Us Together. “There’s something about having children that makes you brave in a way you haven’t been before.”Advocating for inclusionHenry, Jacyln’s disabled son, will likely never walk or talk. The world at large isn’t very accessible to those who don’t walk and talk (or see, hear, speak, sense, and act like most others), so it’s difficult for Jacklyn’s family to do things together.“I don’t want my husband to take my son and I take the other two. I don’t want us to have to divide and conquer,” she says. “I want us to experience life together.”Henry’s siblings have long found ways to include him. “They will go to people’s houses on Halloween and say, ‘My brother can’t come up here because you have stairs. Could you please come downstairs?'” Jacyln says.Others aren’t always accommodating, and too many people don’t make an effort to include people with disabilities. Some people even instruct their young kids to “look away” when they see a person with disabilities. These parents may believe they’re teaching their children not to stare at people who look or act differently, but it’s better, Jacyln says, to model curiosity and kindness.“To me, the worst thing someone can say is, ‘don’t stare; look away,’ because they’re teaching a child to ignore somebody who looks different rather than to learn about them and engage with them,” she says. “It’s okay to stumble. It’s okay to say the wrong thing. Ask what’s the right thing. Ask ‘how can I include you?'”In this episode, Janet & Jaclyn discuss:Parenting typically-developing & disabled childrenInclusion & accessibilityManaging mom guiltPulling together a team of specialistsAdvocating for your disabled childResources for parents of disabled boysAsking for (& receiving) helpLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jaclyngreenbergwriter.com – Jaclyn’s websiteWhat My Children’s Relationship Taught Me About Accessibility & Inclusion — ScaryMommy article by JaclynHow an Adaptive Game Controller Helps My Family Bond – Wired article by JaclynSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.     Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is middle school misunderstood — or magic?For most of us — and many of our kids — middle school is a pretty miserable time. But that’s largely because most educators and parents misunderstand middle schoolers & these critical years.“This is a very pervasive story, that middle school is terrible. But it doesn’t have to be. We make it terrible by working directly against the developmental needs of middle schoolers and designing these buildings and classes in way that make their lives really hard,” says veteran educator Chris Balme, author of Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years.Middle Schoolers Have Unique Developmental NeedsThere are two time periods in our lives when the brain is growing the fastest: the early childhood years (approximately ages 0-5) and early adolescence (approximately ages 11-16). In early adolescence, “the brain reforms itself as a social brain,” Chris says. That’s why middle schoolers are so acutely attuned to their peers (and seem more interested in social situations than academics).Middle schoolers progress through predictable developmental stages:Belonging. A middle schooler “needs to feel as if there’s one group, or at least one person, that they feel safe with, who wants them to be here and is consistent,” Chris says. If they don’t have that sense of belonging, they can’t show up to their full potential.Achievement. During this stage, kids “try to show what they’ve got,” Chris says. They want to show that they can do things of value. Note: Kids can only move into achievement once they feel a solid sense of belonging.Authenticity. This stage involves figuring out what they really like (& don’t like.). Kids eventually learn to express more of their authentic self in their daily lives.Helping Boys Thrive Despite Less-Than-Ideal Middle Schools“If a school doesn’t give at least a third of the day for social and movement time, it is holding our kids back developmentally,” Chris says.Of course, many of our boys attend middle schools that don’t prioritize movement and socialization. So, it’s on parents to help them thrive. One way we can do this, Chris says, is to be weird. Middle schoolers can (& should) see their parents pursue hobbies and interests — and see us resolve conflicts and cope with challenges.If your son is getting into trouble at a school that doens’t respect his needs for movement, socialization, belonging, and achievement, your number one priority should be to “not make it worse,” Chris says. “School has made this child’s life harder than it needs to be.” Instead, work with your child to understand what’s beneath his behavior. Help him figure out other ways to meet his needs.“We can stress a little bit less about academics in middle school,” Chris says. “If we actually help someone finish middle school feeling like they have some sense of who they are authentically, and they’re confident and skillful enough to put that out in the social world, and they’ve got some friendships based on their authentic sense of self, that is such a win.“That is really what I think the goal posts should be for middle school.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:Why modern middle school is a miserable experience for many middle schoolers & their familiesDevelopmental needs of middle schoolers“Twinning” — when tweens copy others’ look or behaviorHow parents & educators can help tweens & teens work toward belonging, achievement, & authenticityWhy you should STRESS LESS ABOUT ACADEMICSGiving middle schoolers more responsibilityLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Finding the Magic in Middle School: Tapping into the Power and Potential of the Middle School Years, by Chris Balmechrisbalme.com — Chris’s websiteGrowing Wiser — Chris’s Substack newsletterWhat Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episodeBraden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episodeMiddle School Matters w Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodePhyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kids. Visit dabbleandollop.com/onboys to get 20% OFF your first order!Sponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: American Blossom LinensGrown, spun, & woven in the USA. Use code ONBOYS to save 20%.  Sponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Most schools today aren’t boy-friendly. That’s one (big!) reason why boys lag behind girls academically. And why so many boys hate going to school. Tyler, a 16-year-old Texas boy, started struggling in middle school. Recess was no more. Classes were 90 minutes long. So, “he found it really hard to sit still in class,” says Julie Jargon, the Wall Street Journal Family & Tech columnist who interviewed Tyler for her series on boys and education. Now a high school student, Tyler suggests that “instead of making guys change the way they behave, maybe schools should change the way they’re structured.”Boy-friendly education practicesMovement helps humans remain alert and engaged. Simply shifting activities every 15 minutes or so can boost boys’ (and girls’) performance in the classroom. Time outside is helpful as well. Visual cues can help keep boys on track too. Boy-friendly schools also prioritize hands-on learning.“A lot of these things that are beneficial for boys are the same for girls. It’s not that girls need something vastly different,” Julie says. “The things that benefit boys also benefit girls. You can adopt boy-friendly practices in your school without being unfriendly to girls.”All students benefit from time to reflect on — and correct — academic, social, and behavioral mistakes. One of the all-boys schools Julie wrote about uses a restorative justice approach, she says.“Instead of just punishing them, they give boys an opportunity to talk about it and apologize,” Julie says. That approach helps boys hone their emotional intelligence and communication skills.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Julie discuss:Why so many boys struggle in middle schoolHow misunderstanding male development contributes to boys’ problems in schoolWorkarounds parents use to help boysBoy-friendly education practicesPushing back against developmentally inappropriate expectationsSingle-sex vs coed schools & classesSupport for parents of boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Boys are Struggling. It Can Take Coaches, Tutors, and Thousands a Month to Fix That — WSJ article by JulieInside the Schools Where Boys Can Be Boys — WSJ article by JulieLosing a Grandparent Hurts Boys at School — Scientific American articleSet Boys Up for School Success — ON BOYS episodeBoys in School Task Force –– ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeBoy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma GaudetteSponsor Spotlight: WinonaMenopause care made easy!Visit bywinona.com/onboys & use code ONBOYS to get 25% your first order.Sponsor Spotlight: Dabble & DollopNatural bath products for kidsSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out Homethreads: HomeThreads.com/ONBOYSAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Modern male puberty starts earlier than you think.It may start as early as age 9 in boys – which means that the mood swings you’re seeing in your 10-year-old son could well be puberty-related. After all, as Cara Natterson & Vanessa Kroll Bennett write in their book This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, “The very first sign of puberty in most kids is a slamming door.” Most parents of boys aren’t prepared for male puberty. (And may be in denial when the first signs start appearing.) The earliest physical symptoms of male puberty aren’t obvious & typically occur around the same time your son starts seeking more privacy. So “you might not actually know when your kid is in puberty,” Vanessa says.Why your 10-year-old son may be acting like a 16-year-oldSex hormones fuel the physical changes that occur during puberty. (Testosterone is the primary male sex hormone.) These hormones also have a tremendous impact on our kids’ moods and well-being. And high levels of testosterone are linked to rage, as well as boys’ “swing to silence” during puberty.“When those hormones rise and fall, they do not do so gracefully,” says Cara, a pediatrician. “They do not do so slowly. It’s high, high, HIGH, rapid surge, and then you’re off the edge of the cliff and you’re pummeling to the floor. Those hormones drop and bottom out.” These swings can happen in a matter of hours. And that, Cara says, “is what you are seeing when your kid behaves like a jerk.”Kids don’t enjoy those sudden shifts and swings either. “Their brain is being bathed in a stew of hormones that is not familiar to them, and they don’t know how to manage how they feel as a result of this cocktail that is saturating all of the neurons in the brain,” Cara says.Boys’ brains are still maturing during puberty too. They don’t yet have fully mature emotional regulation systems. And while they need to learn how to control their behavior, it takes time (and, typically, many mistakes) to develop consistent behavioral control. So, parents, educators, and other adults need to extend grace and compassion to tweens and teens.“We have to give them the benefit of the doubt,” Vanessa says. “And give them a way back. They don’t feel good when they get that angry or emotional or react violently. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed.”Surviving your son’s adolescenceIt is completely normal to feel grief, doubt, anger, and fear as your son moves through puberty. During adolescence, boys (and girls) pull away from their parents. That separation is necessary and normal, but can feel like rejection to parents. It’s okay to grieve and feel sad. Take comfort, though, in the fact that boys typically “come back” to their parents as they reach the far side of puberty.Your son may well be annoying, thoughtless, disrespectful, disorganized, smelly, and messy during puberty. None of that means he’ll end up that way as an adult. And none of it means that you’re doing (or have done) something wrong.“The path to building kind, empathic, loving, thoughtful men is a very windy, bumpy road,” Vanessa says. “And at every step of the way, it can be really tempting to lose faith.”When a boy reacts angrily or violently, stay calm. Give them space. Connect with them after they’ve cooled down. During calmer times, teach & talk about emotions. Navigate puberty along your son, seeking support as needed.In this episode, Jen, Cara, & Vanessa discuss:The #1 question Cara & Vanessa get about male pubertyAcknowledging the grief & sadness you may feel as your son enters pubertyBuilding menHow (& why) hormones affect teen boys’ behaviorPuberty & perimenopauseHelping boys manage their mood swingsWet dreamsTalking about safer sex, contraception, family planning, intimacy, consent, & loving relationshipsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:This is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained, by Cara Natterson, MD & Vanessa Kroll Bennettlessawkward.com — Cara & Vanessa’s website (includes links to their books, newsletter, podcast, & talks)The Puberty Podcast — Cara & Vanessa’s podcast (Don’t miss Jen on their podcast — Building Boys with Jennifer Fink)Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson –– ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — the famous BuildingBoys post about 14-yr-old boys being a**holesPuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episodeGuy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys, by Cara NattersonGuy Stuff Feelings: Everything You Need to Know About Your Emotions, by Cara NattersonSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

There’s a connection between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) & muscle dysmorphia, which is a strong desire to bulk up your body.According to new research by Kyle Ganson, an assistant professor in Canada & a licensed clinical social worker who’s worked with teenagers & young adults, boys who experience abuse, neglect, incarceration or divorce of a parent, poverty, or parental mental illness or substance use, are more likely to develop muscle dysmorphia. That’s important because it a) suggests ways to prevent muscle dysmorphia and b) indicates which boys may benefit from screening and intervention.Many well-meaning adults miss (or ignore) the symptoms of muscle dysmorphia because, on the surface, many of those symptoms appear healthy. A sudden, dedicated interest in fitness is often praised by parents & coaches; so is boys’ desire to “eat healthy.” But muscle dysmorphia is unhealthy and can become physically and emotionally damaging. Boys and men who are obsessed with bulking up may prioritize working out over all else. They may decline social outings and family gatherings that revolve around food.Adults may assume that a boy’s desire to bulk up is rooted in his desire to obtain a specific “look.” But “sometimes for boys, it’s not always about the aesthetic appearance; it’s about the function,” Kyle says. That may be especially true for boys who were bullied or abused.What the research says about ACES & muscle dysmorphiaKyle’s research showed that children who experience 5 or more ACEs are more likely than others to develop symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. That association “was particularly strong for boys & young men,” he says. In fact, 30% of young boys who had 5 or more ACES were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia. (For comparison, only 10% of the girls who had 5 or more ACEs were at clinical risk of muscle dysmorphia.) The researchers also found that boys who experienced multiple ACEs were more likely than others to use performance enhancing drugs and supplements.Please note: Not all children who have ACEs experience adverse outcomes. However, if your son has a history of ACEs, stay alert for possible symptoms of muscle dysmorphia. If he shows a sudden interest in going to the gym or changing his diet, Kyle recommends approaching him with “respectful curiosity.” Ask questions; listen carefully.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kyle discuss:Symptoms of muscle dysmorphiaThe link between ACEs & muscle dysmorphiaWhy ACES may increase the risk of muscle dysmorphia for boysDealing with diet cultureTalking to healthcare professionals about muscle dysmorphiaLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Adverse Childhood Experiences and Muscle Dysmorphia Symptomatology: Findings from a Sample of Canadian Adolescents and Young Adults — Kyle’s research studyBody Image, Eating Disorders, & Boys — ON BOYS episodeHelping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys & Body Image — ON BOYS episodeWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episodePicky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off.Our Sponsors:* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can boys experience school success? Parents and educators frequently ask, “How do we help boys thrive in school?” A question we rarely ask is, What can boys do to set themselves up for school success? What can we do to help boys successfully navigate school?“It’s really essential that we, as parents & educators of boys, are preparing them to navigate the struggles within school,” says Dr. Todd (Jason) Feltman, author of Transforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or 5th Grade Navigator of School Success.  “It’s not just the academic struggles but also the socialization, the physical and emotional struggles.”Equipping boys with strategies they can use to manage these stressors can increase their confidence & school success.Strategies to Help Boys SucceedGenerally speaking, boys have a hard time sitting still in the classroom. Todd recommends addressing this issue head-on with your boy. Talk about this challenge & help him brainstorm ways to incorporate movement. Teach him how to self-advocate with his teacher. (Perhaps they could agree on a non-verbal signal that could mean it’s okay to stand and stretch.)Allowing boys to draw before beginning a writing assignment can also be helpful. (Many boys think visually – and many elementary school-aged boys struggle with handwriting and spelling.)“Every student has strengths,” Todd says. “We need to teach them how to unpack and apply their strength. I know that boys can take charge of their education.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Todd discuss:Why 3rd, 4th, & 5th grade are so challenging for boysHelping boys self-advocateThe link between sleep & learningTeaching boys organization (Note: modeling, mentoring, & regular practice helps!)Why should you ask for boys’ inputWhat to say when a boy says “the teacher doesn’t like me”Setting high expectations for school successDevelopmentally appropriate school expectationsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:toddfeltman.com — Todd’s websiteTransforming into a Powerful Third, Fourth, or Fifth Grade Navigator of School Success, by Dr. Todd (Jason) FeltmanMentoring My Elementary- and Middle-School Students to Become Powerful Navigators of Success, by Dr. Todd FeltmanBuilding Boys’ Reading & Literacy Skills — previous ON BOYS episode w Dr. FeltmanSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsMake your home family friendly. Use this link to get 15% off. Our Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/* Check out HomeThreads.com/ONBOYS to get a code for 15% off your first order!Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Color blindness affects a lot of boys.In fact, 1 in 12 males are color blind. They perceive color differently than most humans. Some see shades of tan instead of vivid reds and greens. Some see life in black, white, and grey. Many don’t realize that they see things differently than their peers, teachers, and parents. And many parents and teachers don’t realize that their boys are colorblind – which can lead to unnecessary learning complications and affect boys’ learning.Signs of Color BlindnessJessica Fleming, a writer & mom of 4 sons (currently age 9, 7, 5, and 5), first realized her 7-year-old son’s vision was different when she asked her boys to sort the books in her office by color. After a few minutes, her oldest son declared, “Everett doesn’t know his colors!” and pointed out a couple out-of-place books, including a pink tome. Further questioning revealed that her second-grade son was as confused by his “mistakes” as the rest of his family.Then Jessica remembered that she had an uncle who was colorblind. She found a color blindness test online, administered it to her son, and learned he has a vision deficiency. A follow up visit to an ophthalmologist revealed that her son has a red/green vision deficiency, the most common kind of color blindness. To him, red and green look virtually the same — almost like a khaki brown.Some kids who are colorblind don’t like art — so pay attention and dig a little deeper if your son avoids (or complains about!) art activities. (P.S. Sam, Jen’s son, is not colorblind!)Unfortunately, color blindness is often not diagnosed until a child is in middle school. Some people are adults when they first realize they are color blind.How Color Blindness Affects Boys’ EducationContrary to popular belief, color blindness can affect quality of life. Early childhood and elementary school education depends heavily on color cues and visual processing, so kids who are colorblind may struggle in school. Many children who are colorblind are in special ed classes – perhaps because they couldn’t see and access information as easily as their peers.If you suspect (or know) that your son is colorblind, tell his teachers ASAP. Simple accommodations, such as printing things in black-and-white instead of color, can help him. Ensuring a high contrast between print and background colors is also helpful. Another: Instead of color-coding maps and graphs, use patterns, such as polka dots and stripes. Be sure art supplies are labeled with the color name. Color vision-correcting glasses are also available.Kids who are color blind are also eligible for a 504 plan.Testing Can Easily Detect Color BlindnessOnly 11 states test for colorblindness during vision screenings at school, even though the test is non-invasive, cheap, and easy to administer. Jessica recommends administering an online screening test to all kids.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jessica discuss:Signs and symptomsTypes of color blindnessTesting for color blindnessGenetics of color blindnessAdaptations to help kids who are color blindAdvocating for color blind kidsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Countless Kids are Colorblind – and Don’t Know About It. Here’s How to Help — Jessica’s Washington Post articleRoanoke City Schools Discover Hundreds of Students May be Color BlindEnchroma online color blindness testMyths & Misconceptions About Boys — previous ON BOYS episode with JessicaBoy Moms as Boys Advocates — ON BOYS episode with Gemma Gaudette Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: HomeThreadsLove where you liveOur Sponsors:* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/* Check out Homethreads and use my code onboys for a great deal: www.homethreads.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2023? Photo by Photo by Engin Akyurt via PexelsYour favorites include:5. Simplicity Parenting with Kim John PayneSimplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment…The antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity. He advises parents to “dial back”…4. Parental Accommodation & ADHD (featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt)“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue….3. Talking to Tween & Teen Boys (featuring Johnathon Reed of NextGenMen)…boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”2. Teen Boys’ Emotional LIves (featuring Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD)…the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”1. Parenting “Spicy” Boys (featuring Mary Van Geffen)“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare…They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent.A few of our other 2023 favorites:Building Boys in a World that Misunderstands MalesWhat Middle School Boys NeedPhyllis Fagell Discuss Middle School SuperpowersNonverbal Communication with BoysBoys, Babies, & BreastfeedingCalm the Chaos: Parenting Challenging KidsEmotional Lives of TeensWhy Now is the Best Time to Raise BoysSponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our January 5 conversation with Mary Van Geffen, Parenting “Spicy” Boys, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2023. (And Jen’s sons’ least favorite! Gen Z defines “spicy” quite differently than we’re using it here.)Sure, this episode, released early in the year, had the benefit of time. But Mary’s message also resonates with frustrated and overwhelmed parents of boys. As she told us,“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare. They “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda.”Mary’s audience continues to grow — she has over 286,000 Instagram followers! — because parents need help supporting their strong, spicy kids. You’ll want to listen to this episode more than once because a) it contains a lot of wisdom and b) because your spicy kids are now likely challenging you in ways they weren’t the first time you listened!In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:Characteristics of a Spicy OneWhy shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boysHow your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your childParenting when you are spicy or highly sensitiveA sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous systemHow changing your voice can help you reach your kidsSetting boundaries & managing others’ expectationsGrocery shopping with boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s websitehttps://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on InstagramHighly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episodeHighly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episodeSensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episodeBrain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episodePositive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)Sponsor Spotlight: ByHeart Get 10% off your first order using code ONBOYS at byheart.comSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

YouTube isn’t all entertainment and education. Misogyny, racism, and porn lurk there too.It can be really difficult to keep up with what our boys are watching online, though. Creators come & go, interests change, one click can lead to, well, anywhere.Boys love YouTubeYouTube is ubiquitous these days. Gaming and challenge videos (think Mr. Beast) are certainly popular with boys, but many also engage in educational content on the site.“It’s Google and YouTube,” says Cindy Marie Jenkins, founder of OutThink Media. “Those are the search engines” people now use to find information. It’s better, safer, and more effective to teach your boys how to navigate YouTube (and other online spaces) than it is to ban them all together. (Especially because motivated kids can get around almost any parental control!)“We have a massive responsibility to give boys the tools they need to be amazing people,” Cindy says. Parents and other adults can (& should) mentor and guide children as they explore online. Here’s how:Build your relationship, so your boys know they can talk to you without judgement. “Let them know that you are interested & want to be involved,” Cindy says. “Not in a dictatorial way, but in a ‘let’s have conversations about this’ way.” Express curiosity.Build boys’ critical thinking skills, both so they’re better able to understand and process what they see and hear online and so they’re prepared to discuss online personalities, ideas, and videos with their friends.YouTube videos can radicalize boysYou can certainly find blatant misogyny, misandry, hate, and racism on YouTube. But most boys don’t watch those videos. Many, however, watch creators who casually “slide in” comments that may appear to jokes but might also consistently point blame at a particular group of people. You might notice, for instance, that five “jokes” in a row singled out Black people as the antagonists, Cindy says.Certain things that may seem relatively harmless on the surface can lead to more extreme videos and ideas. “Trad” content, emphasizes traditional gender roles and female submission to men in marriage. It can celebrate women as homemakers and men as providers — and can convince some boys that males should be dominant in relationships and the females are meant to submit to their leadership.The pathway to extremism is not necessarily obvious. “It can start with something small and then blow up into, ‘This is what’s wrong with everything,'” Cindy says.How to protect your kids onlineLISTEN to what your kids are talking about. And listen to what they say when you ask them about the videos and creators they see online. Pay attention if your kids seem to be obsessing or angry about certain topics or ideas.Ask questions with curiosity. Use, but don’t completely trust, parental controls and filtering software.Talk about trending videos, movies, ideas, and games. Share your perspective and add context. You can also seek out and share YouTube videos about creators’ personal experiences with hate, misogyny, and racism. Cindy “watches YouTube so you don’t have to,” so you can check her site OutThink Media, to learn more about the creators, gamers, and YouTubers your kids are watching.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Cindy discuss:Educational power of YouTubeHow to mentor and guide kids’ YouTube useTrad wivesThe Great Replacement theoryGamergateKids’ parasocial relationships with YouTubersDoxxingDiscussing mediaLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:OutThink Media — Cindy’s websiteWhy I’m Not Worried About Screen Time — Jen’s BuildingBoys post (the one about Sam studding his bike tires)How One Mom Talks to Her Sons About Hate on the Internet — NPR story about Joanna Schroeder‘s viral Tweet threadYouTube Merch Part 1: 7 Reasons Not to Buy Prime Energy Drink — OutThink Media post about energy drink promoted by (former YouTuber) Logan PaulSisters in Hate: American Women & White Extremism, by Seyward Darby — thought-provoking book that details how individuals become extremistsAmy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online –– ON BOYS podcast episodeSocial Media Safety — ON BOYS podcast episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out ByHeart and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://byheart.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

America’s marriage coach, Dr. Jacquie Del Rosario, says nature and nurture affect our relationships.Moms are concerned with a lot of things at once; Dads tend to focus on one thing at a time. Many moms derive a sense of security from planning ahead for all possible contingencies. Dads tend to react to life as it happens. Females generally process information more quickly than males as well because women have more language centers in the brain than men do. These differences can lead to conflict and confusion.Learning to navigate these differences can help us build stronger relationships and families.“If our relationship is strong, our ability to parent is also better,” Dr. Jacquie says. “Our ability to raise strong and whole children is better.”Healthy Relationship StrategiesEffective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. A few strategies she recommends include:Using “I statements.” Don’t start with an accusation. Instead, calmly communicate your current mindset and needs with “I statements”: I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. I need some help getting dinner on the table. Reflective listening. Repeat back what your partner is saying, to give them a chance to clarify. This technique can be especially helpful for busy parents because “when you are sleep-deprived or in a heightened emotional state, you tend to mis-hear or mis-process information,” Dr. Jacquie says.Asking for what you want. Avoiding this conversation because you’re afraid of the result isn’t helpful. You may avoid conflict in the near-term, but over time, resentment can build. Focus instead on what you need to express and then “choose your time and place,” Dr. Jacquie says.Scheduling regular time to connect. Build conversation time into your lifestyle. If you don’t, it’s too easy to get distracted by other priorities (& exhaustion!). Dr. Jacquie and her husband spend the 30 minutes before sleep with each other nightly. “We mostly talk,” she says. “We talk about our day, about our aspirations, about our children, whatever needs to be discussed.” Planning time to sexual connection is also helpful. (Pro tip: Keeping your children on a schedule makes it easier for you and your partner to have regular time together!)Realistic expectations are important too.“Marriage does not make you happy forever,” Dr. Jacquie says. “You will have ebbs and flows in your marriage. Marriage, like all relationships, is messy.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Jacquie discuss:How biology affects our thinking & relationshipsWhy you need to nurture your adult relationshipsMaternal gatekeepingThe impact of fathersIntimacy7 pillars of compatibilityLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drjacquie.com — Dr. Jacquie’s websiteSingle Parenting w Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Neurodiverse kids need comprehensive sex education too.“It’s a fundamental human right to have this information – & so important to their health & safety,” says Amy Lang, creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators.Myths About Neurodiversity & SexualityMany people (including well-meaning parents) believe one (or more) myths about neurodiversity & sexuality, Amy says. Common myths include:Neurodiverse people are either asexual or hypersexual. So, parents and educators may gloss over (or skip) essential education. “There’s this myth that neurodiverse kids don’t need this information, that it’s not going to be relevant to them,” Amy says. But that’s not at all true. All humans have a relationship with sexuality. All humans need to know how bodies work. And all humans need to know how to be in healthy, loving relationships.Neurodiverse people are “innocent” – & so won’t get in any “trouble.” The truth is that neurodiverse people are at high risk of sexual abuse. They may also unintentionally sexually offend or abuse others if they are not properly educated.“Sexuality is a huge part of life,” Amy says. Ignoring this aspect of life increases the likelihood for harm — and decrease the chances of your child experiencing safe, fulfilling relationships. Knowledge empowers kids so they can live full lives.Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Porn Talk Dynamic Duo! A live talk with tons of Q&A! The Porn Talk Info Kit (which has everything you need to talk with your boy like a pro) is included. Sign up here. https://buytickets.at/amylang/1055353Sex Talks with Tweens: What to Say & How to Say It It’s all scripts so you don’t have to figure out what to say! Woot!BirdsAndBeesAndKids.com — Amy’s websiteJust Say This – Amy’s advice-column style podcastBooks for developmentally different kids are here.Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episodeAmy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online — ON BOYS episodeADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episodeDifferently Wired Boys & TiLT Parenting (w Debbie Reber) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%   Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Health education varies greatly from place to place.Some boys receive great, age-appropriate, inclusive health education at school. Others do not. “It’s pretty inconsistent,” says Christopher Pepper, a health educator who currently teaches in the San Francisco Unified School District & is working on a book called TALK TO YOUR BOYS: 27 Crucial Conversations Parents Need to Have with Boys Today – and How to Start Having Them. “What’s covered is pretty different and how the subject is approached is handled very differently.”Young men’s health groups can be particularly helpful, as they give boys a chance to discuss masculinity and relationships as well as health topics. “There’s a real hunger among boys to talk about the real issues in their lives,” Christopher says. “Teenage boys are figuring out their attitudes about sexuality and gender, so having a place to talk about the celebrity that just came out as nonbinary” is helpful, he says.Adults with work with teenage boys should lead with curiosity and give boys space to express their thoughts and opinions. “Coming at someone with criticism, even if they’ve said something offensive” is not as helpful as asking questions, such as What do you mean by that? Adults who listen with genuine curiosity are better positioned to then provide additional context and feedback.Contrary to popular belief, “Boys have a lot of capacity and interest in talking about emotions and relationships,” Christopher says. “Boys are really hungry for those kinds of conversations and interested in exploring their values and ideas.” Unfortunately, many boys don’t get the opportunity to discuss those topics in a deep and rich way with their peers or caring adults. Prioritizing those conversations is one important thing adults can do to support boys’ health and development.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Christopher discuss:The current state of health educationCreating safe spaces for boys to talk and learnModeling healthy communication skillsGetting boys to talk to youTalking to boys about racist or homophobic slursThe need for more males in education & caring careersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teen Health Today — Christopher’s Substack newslettermrhealthteacher.com — Christopher’s websiteTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodecdc.gov/healthyyouth/index.htm — CDC site with links to adolescent and school health resources (including the Health Education Curriculum Analysis Tool (HECAT)amaze.org — health, relationship, and sex education material (great to share w your kids!)The New Drug Talk — website w resources to talk about fentanylSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you make space for a teenage boy to make his own mistakes?Photo by olia danilevich via PexelsEspecially when said teenager is frustrating, annoying, and contributing to family chaos?Sandra said:Teenager years are frustrating — wanting to tell him what do, yet I know he needs to make his own mistakes. Throw in toddler boy hitting/screaming at his brother….She is definitely not the only parent wondering how to deal with a teen boys & balance the needs of siblings! That’s we tackled her question first in this edition of ON BOYS Listener Q & A.“It can be really hard to step back and let things unfold — let your teen be the one that has to navigate,” Janet says. She recommends talking about that with your teen. Say something like, “It is really hard to watch you make mistakes. I am here for you. I trust that you can figure this out on your own. And if need help, I am here.”Other listener questions include:My sons turned 18 yesterday and are in their last year of high school! I understand the natural and necessary pulling away from parents (especially moms) and establishing themselves as men. Is it possible to release them vs. them tearing away? If so, what does that look like?andHow & what do you prioritize? I’m a single mom with 3 sons. I can’t do homework, home cooked meals, sports practice and read with them every night, so what to prioritize, who to prioritize and what to let go?andShould I punish the boys by taking away screen time if they get bad grades? Taking away screens is the only punishment that works.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Parenting teen & toddler boysLaunching teenagers & young adult men“Soiling the nest”Asking for helpHow to create a dinner co-opDealing with “bad grades”Nurturing connectionLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Listener Q & A: Supporting Sibling Relationships, Finding Common Ground, & More — Jan. ’23 ON BOYS episodePuberty, Perimenopause, & Midlife Parenting — ON BOYS episodeThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeMore Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episodeHow to Build Your Village — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Have you heard of autonomy-supportive parenting? Essentially, it’s the opposite of helicopter parenting. It’s a parenting style that allows, supports, and encourages kids to make decisions and take action. And unlike helicopter parenting, which demands near-constant parental activity, autonomy-supportive parenting also supports parental rest (and can reduce burnout).“Intensive parenting is not good for our kids. They need the freedom to explore and experiment, and this is where stepping back and sitting on the couch to read a magazine, instead of playing Legos with your child, is okay,” says says Emily Edlynn, a child psychologist & mom of three who is also the author Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children. Self-Determination Theory is the Foundation for Autonomy-Supportive ParentingAccording to self-determination theory, all humans have 3 fundamental needs:Autonomy, or the ability to make decisions for one’s selfCompetenceRelatednessWhen those needs are met, we feel good about life. And about ourselves. Autonomy-supportive parenting focuses on nurturing those 3 fundamental needs in our children, Emily says. At times, to observers, it may look like autonomy-supportive parents are ignoring their child’s needs. They’re not; they’re observing and giving their children an opportunity to test and develop their skills. To develop competence and confidence, children need room to fail, get upset, process their emotions, and try possible solutions.Autonomy-Supportive Parenting in Action.“This is a flexible framework, not a prescription,” Emily says. Parents can and should tweak their approach according to the unique needs and personality of the family and its individual members.Contrary to what some think, autonomy-supportive parenting does not require parents to tolerate disrespect or rude behavior. It’s not about allowing children full freedom to make all decisions. In fact, parents can (& should) set & enforce family guidelines based upon family values.“We love and accept our children for who they are; we do not have to accept all their behaviors,” Emily says. “it’s not useful to them.”Don’t take your child’s words or behavior personally.“Kids are going to do things we don’t like. That’s part of growing up,” Emily says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Emily discuss:What is autonomy-supportive parenting?The link between control, competence, & confidenceAutonomy & interdependence“Lazy parenting”An autonomy-supportive approach to screen time, gaming, & social mediaSetting boundaries for respectful communicationWhat to do when your child says “I hate you”School strugglesBelieving your son’s value beyond academicsHow cultural expectations affect parentingLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children, by Emily Edlynnwww.emilyedlynnphd.com — Emily’s websiteThe Art & Science of Mom — Emil’s SubstackBuilding Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s bookGemma Gaudette Talks About Raising Boys — ON BOYS episodePositive Parenting Solutions with Amy McReady — ON BOYS episodeletgrow.org – organization founded by Lenore Skenazy (of Free Range Kids fame) that’s “leading the movement for child independence”Psychologists Off the Clock — Emily’s podcastSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.AnneMoss Rogers’ son Charles was “the life of the party.” He loved dogs, people, & games. And he died of suicide at age 20.Statistically, Charles’ story is all too common. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10-24 year olds, with boys and young men representing 80% of all youth suicide deaths. 22% percent of high school students reported seriously considering suicide in 2021, and 10% of youth in grades 9-12 said they’d made at least one suicide attempt. So although everything looked rosy in Charles’ life — he was one of the most popular kids in his high school, elected to Homecoming Court as a sophomore — he was struggling behind the scenes.His family knew he had a sleep disorder and his mom suspected a mental health disorder beyond anxiety, but she didn’t detect any depression — and others brushed off her concerns.Substance Use Can Mask DepressionLike many teens, Charles started using drugs & alcohol. What Anne didn’t realize at the time was that he was using substances to numb his pain and suicidal thoughts. He also participated in risk stunts.“When your child starts taking all these unnecessary, scary risks, it is a sign of depression,” AnneMoss says.Support for Parents of Struggling TeensIf you sense your child is struggling, seek support. Even if you don’t yet have a diagnosis or can’t “name” the problem. Don’t second guess yourself. “Go with your gut,” AnneMoss says. “Don’t let your brain talk you out of what you know if your gut.”She recommends the following resources:NAMI — National Alliance on Mental Illness (has support groups for parents!)Families Anonymous — 12 step support group for family & friends of individuals with drug, alcohol or related behavioral issuesSmart Recovery — includes in-person & virtual meetings for family & friends of addicted individualsCRAFT — Community Reinforcement and Family Training, which helps family members relate to individuals with addiction“These are not groups where you sit around and you hold hands and you sing Kumbaya,” AnneMoss says. They are places where parents can share their fears freely & receive essential support and advice. “When something happens, these are the people who know the best places to take your child — who is taking appointments, who the best therapists are — because they are using those resources too.”She encourages all parents, teachers, and others working with a struggling or troubled teen to “stick with the process.” Don’t give up; listen. Stay engaged. All struggling humans need and want to know that someone cares.In this episode, Janet, & Anne discuss:Warning signs of depression & suicidal ideationWhy you should trust your gutWhere to get help & supportWhy you must practice asking, “Are you thinking of suicide?”Why tough love isn’t the necessarily the right choiceGiving yourself credit as a parentMutual careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:mentalhealthawarenesseducation.com — Anne’s website (jam-packed with resources!)Diary of a Broken Mind: A Mother’s Story, A Son’s Suicide, & the Haunting Lyrics He Left Behind, by Anne Moss Rogers & Charlie RogersEmotionally Naked: A Teacher’s Guide to Preventing Suicide & Recognizing Students at Risk, by Anne Moss Rogers & Kimberly H. McManama O’Brien Loving Someone With Suicidal Thoughts — ON BOYS episodeWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episodeTroubled Boys (w Kenneth Rosen) — ON BOYS episode about wilderness therapyAnother View of Wilderness Therapy — ON BOYS episodeLisa Damour on the Emotional Lives of Teens — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Supporting LGBTQ+ kids helps them become healthy adults.Jo Langford is a father, therapist, and author of The Pride Guide: A Guide to Social and Sexual health for LGBTQ Youth and Spare Me “The Talk!” (for both boy-identified and girl-identified youth). He helps kids and parents navigate sexuality, gender, media, and technology.Supporting LGBTQ+ KidsRule of thumb: Never out someone. The decision to disclose (or not disclose) one’s sexual orientation is an individual one. You should not out anyone without their consent, Jo says.Kids, however, may unintentionally or deliberately reveal private information about friends and acquaintances, and when that happens, the child whose privacy has been violated may feel distress. Sadly, some kids are still bullied for their sexual orientation or gender identity.One of our jobs as parents is “to protect our kids,” Jo says. Unfortunately, we can’t control the behavior of others, so “one way of doing that with a queer kid is letting them know that there are places and times that may be more dangerous to you,” he says. You may need to discuss things such as potential reactions to holding hands in public in particular cities or countries.Jo also says it’s important for parents to queer kids to become part of the queer community — to familiarize yourself with the history, culture, and traditions of the community. “Support the art and companies and jump into that with your kid,” he says.If you’re navigating evolving gender identity, give yourself grace. Even the most accepting, supportive parents, family members, and loved ones struggle with pronouns and language, especially at first. Do your best. Apologize when you get it wrong. Educate yourself. You can even say to your child, “Tell me what words to use. What do you want me to say when I talk to other people about you?”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jo discuss:Supporting LGBTQ+ kids who are being bulliedPersonal pronouns, trans kids, & evolving languageWhen to involve the school or other parentsTalking about marijuana, pot, cannabisWhy Gen Z is so anxious Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:behereos.net — Jo’s website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit)Spare Me ‘The Talk!’: A Guy’s Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo LangfordThe Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford –– ON BOYS episodeWhich Apps are APPropriate? (w Jo Langford) — ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender equity begins at home.Policies matter, of course, but not as much as parenting.Think about that for a moment. Parents need to think & talk about gender stereotypes and expectations because those stereotypes and expectations affect our parenting, says Shelly Vaziri Flais, a pediatrician, mom of four, and author of Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home. Gender also affects our boys’ experiences in the world, so if we don’t consciously consider gender in our parenting — and strive for equity — we may end up intentionally perpetuating the same stereotypes that have historically limited women and men."It's about nurturing the child as a whole human being," Dr. Shelly says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Shelly discuss:Equity vs. equalityGender stereotypes & expectationsAddressing parental differences regarding gender-based expectationsHelping boys manage gender stereotypesParenting 4 kids under age 4Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Nurturing Boys to Be Better Men: Gender Equality Starts at Home, by Shelly Vaziri Flais, MDGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeGender Norms Limit Boys (& Girls) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BabyQuip and use my code ONBOYS for a great deal: http://www.babyquip.com* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys are twice as likely as girls to be friendless in middle school. And by adulthood, 1 in 5 men say they don’t have any close friends.Friendship matters for guys too – but clearly, boys face some unique challenges. “Boys & men have special challenges because of the image of how they’re ‘supposed to be,'” says Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, a psychologist and author who may be better known as Dr. Friendtastic. Some boys, for instance, love rough & tumble play. But 40% of boys don’t like it & may struggle to connect with other boys who like to roughhouse. Additionally, adult women (including moms and teachers) often misinterpret “play fighting” as real fighting and stop it, even though the involved boys may be forging or solidifying friendships.“We have to be careful about being judgemental of boys’ play and boys’ imagination,” Eileen says.Supporting Boys’ FriendshipsOne of our fundamental jobs as parents, Eileen says, is “teaching them how to be in relationships.”Parents of young boys can help them connect with other children who have similar interests.You “have have a lot of influence on their social lives by creating opportunities,” she says. “Use your deep knowledge of your son & try to figure out what he enjoys doing that he can do with other kids.”That step is especially important if your son doesn’t naturally connect with the kids in his school or neighborhood. “I always, always, always recommend multiple groups of friends, if we can manage it,” Eileen says. “The ups & downs of friendship are inevitable, and we want them to have options.”You can also help boys understand how their actions and words contribute to conflicts, by calmly sharing your observations and asking them to share their perspective and imagine their friends’ perspective. If you son has hurt someone physically or emotionally, asking “what can you do to help him feel better?” both underscores the importance of relationship repair and helps him brainstorm ways to ease his friend’s pain.Keep in mind: Negotiation and compromise don’t become the main way kids’ resolve conflict until age 19. That doesn’t mean you can’t work on those skills before then; you should! It means that kids will continue to need our support to navigate friendship challenges for many years.Janet & her grandson w one of Eileen’s booksIn this episode, Jen, Janet, & Eileen (Dr. Friendtastic) discuss:Common friendship challenges for boysRough & tumble playHelping boys connect with friendsManaging “gun play” and “violent play”The importance of friendshipBullyingForgiveness guidelinesOnline friendshipsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drfriendtastic.com — includes links to the Dr. Friendtastic podcasteileenkennedymoore.com — includes free articles, videos, & links to all of Eileen’s booksThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeWeapons Play is Okay — Building Boys blog postCommon Sense Guidelines for “Gun Play” — Building Boys blog postTeaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jen Lumanlan, author of Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family, believes there’s a direct link between parenting and social justice.“The way that we raise our children — the daily interactions that we have with them that seem like they’re about discipline — actually support our children in learning about how power works in families and in our culture,” she says. “That shapes how they go out into the world and treat other people.If we want to move toward a vision of society in which everyone belongs, everyone feels free to be their full, true, whole self, then the work to do that begins at home, in parenting.”Easier Parenting + Powerful ChangeAll behavior is communication. Children’s “behavior that seems mysterious and overwhelming is communicating an unmet need. And when you can understand what that need is, you can support your child in meeting that need,” Jen says. Identifying and meeting your child’s needs can decrease conflict and increase family harmony.Questioning the stories you tell yourself about your child’s behavior is also helpful, as these stories may be inaccurate. It’s more helpful to get curious, as open-minded curiosity can point the way toward solutions that meet both your child’s needs and your own.“This is not just about meeting your child’s needs,” Jen says. “This is about seeing you, as the parent and caregiver, as a person that has needs. And seeing your child as a person with needs. We can hold those with equal thought, care, love, and attention.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss:Parenting & social justiceThe power of accepting our children as they areIdentifying kids’ needsMeeting basic needsTrue respectHomework resistanceSetting boundariesRest & self-careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Parenting Beyond Power: How to Use Connection & Collaboration to Transform Your Family — and the World, by Jen Lumanlanyourparentingmojo.com –– Jen’s website (includes links to her needs quiz & Your Parenting Mojo podcast as well)Parenting, Privilege, & Building A Just World — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out BetterHelp : https://www.betterhelp.com/* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our boys are growing up in public.Between social media, online monitoring, and geo-tracking, our kids’ lives are public in a way ours never were when we were young. Helping kids manage this digital landscape can be a challenge for parents and adults who often worry and frequently ignore the upsides of digital life.“24/7 access to one another is a huge source of stress.”Feeling like you have to be accessible at all times is stressful for our kids. (And us!) But kids also enjoy positive online interactions.“For most kids, there are aspects of their digital lives that are positive, aspects that may be more neutral, and maybe some situations that are causing them anxiety, stress, or sadness,” says Devorah Heitner, author of Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World and Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World. Our job as parents, she says, is to help kids figure out how to navigate their digital lives.It’s best to start by looking and listening. Observe your child’s internet use. Ask questions, with genuine curiosity. That’s how “we can really tune into our kids’ discernment,” Devorah says.“We really need to know what our kids think about the group text,” for instance, she says, noting that simply restricting kids’ access to a group text at the first sign of “inappropriate” language or behavior takes away kids’ opportunity to evaluate and decide which conversations are healthy and which are toxic. “It’s often better if they make their own decisions because we’re not going to be there when they get that workplace Slack that’s a little toxic. We need them to be able to make choices.”One thing we can do to support our kids is to remind them that they always have permission to leave uncomfortable interactions.Mentoring vs. monitoringConstantly monitoring our kids’ online interactions and physical whereabouts is stressful for us. You may be able to improve your mental well-being by letting go of the need to always know where your child is and what he’s doing.“Your own mental health & mental load need to take priority,” Devorah says. “It’s important not to get too involved but be there for the big picture.”It’s almost always a bad idea to digitally surveil your kids’ without their knowledge. It is much more powerful to establish boundaries and expectations together. Discuss concerns. Brainstorm ways to to satisfy your mutual concerns.Responding to mistakesKids (and adults) do dumb things online. Instead of coming down harshly, take a moment to a) remember that kids’ brains are still developing and b) consider the context. Overreacting is almost never helpful, Devorah says.“We have to remember that a lot of things, in the moment, can seem funny to the adolescent brain,” she says. Teens also tend to overestimate the rewards & under-estimate the risks of their actions. They need us to support and empathize with them.Helping our kids navigate the digital world “is not easy,” Devorah admits. It helps to remember that “you’re not alone, and you can talk to other people about it.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Devorah discuss:Coping with our fears of the internet & social mediaWhy eliminating your kid’s access to the social media may not be a good ideaGuiding kids through online interactionsMentoring vs. monitoringThe “Right to Be Forgotten“Kids’ “rules” for social media use & digital sharingKids’ vs. parents’ concerns about growing up in publicRespecting kids’ privacy onlineLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, by Devorah Heitnerdevorahheitner.com — Devorah’s websiteThe Fight for Your Kids’ Brains Has Already Begun — NYT newsletter referenced in this conversationManaging Screen Time –– ON BOYS episodeScreenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World — Devorah’s first bookScreens & Boys — ON BOYS episodeRaising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World w Jordan Shapiro — ON BOYS episodeiGen – ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you calm the chaos in your household?Big emotions, power struggles, and challenging behaviors can create (& feed!) chaos, affecting the entire family. And it’s next to impossible for anyone to operate at their best in a constant state of chaos.“I felt like an absolute failure for the first seven years” of parenting, says Dayna Abraham, author of Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids. “The calls from school were coming daily. My son was kicked out of school more days than he was in school.”Roadmap to CalmThere are 5 steps (or stages) on the roadmap to calm, Dayna says:Ride the storm. In this stage, you hunker down instead of trying to fix or solve. “Instead of ‘doing,’ you are literally just getting to safety.” she says. (Note: What is a Category 3 storm for you may be a Category 1 storm for someone else, and that’s okay. Ride out the storm!)Time & energy reserves. Most people want to skip this stage and move straight to problem-solving. But if you don’t refill your energy reserves, you will not have the energy or stamina required to move forward. This stage is about building small habits that boost your energy – & removing things that drain you.The moment. This is when you start thinking about how you’re going to respond when certain behaviors or situations arise. It’s when you figure out, “How do I show up that diffuses that situation faster and minimizes damage?” Dayna says. “How do I stay connected & curious in the moment?” Resist the urge to catastrophize.Stop storm chasing. Now, you can get ahead of the “chaos causer” — the topic or issue that’s triggering a lot of stress and chaos. Focus on ONE THING, and work collaboratively with your child to address it.Teamwork. Get the whole family together to create an “ecosystem” that supports calm. Discuss each of your unique needs and figure out how you can support one another. During this stage, kids learn how to pay attention to each other’s needs, struggles, likes, and dislikes. “When you can understand and predict each other’s ups and downs, things get a lot easier,” Dayna says.Unfortunately, “a lot of the advice out there starts at what I call Stage 4 or Stage 5,” Dayna says. What happens when you jump to problem-solving — & skip the first three stages — is that you and your kids aren’t ready for change & you all quickly become overwhelmed. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dayna discuss:Unhelpful online parenting adviceParenting challenging boysHow catastrophizing affects our parentingManaging our body language and tone of voiceWhy you should greet your son like a puppyThe 1-1-1 strategy that can help you respond in the heat of the momentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Calm the Chaos: A Fail-Proof Roadmap for Parenting Even the Most Challenging Kids, by Daya Abrahamcalmthechaosbook.com — includes links to Dayna’s bonus materiallemonlimeadventures.com — Dayna’s websiteConstant Chaos Parenting w ADHD — ON BOYS episodeHow to Be an Unflustered Mom — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Lisa Damour is our go-to expert regarding the emotional lives of teens. She is a psychologist & author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents, and although her previous two books were a deep dive into the world of girls, she gets boys. Consider this sentence:If a boy “doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out.”That one sentence – found on page 52 of the hardcover edition of her book – explains so much: Boys’ behavior at school. Door slamming, name calling and rule-breaking at home. Neighborhood fights that escalate into violence.“Gender is such a huge force in how gender is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced,” Lisa says. And when it comes to emotions, boys in our culture “are absolutely cornered and given so little room to work,” she says. Girls enjoy a “wide emotional highway,” with a lot of latitude to feel and express an array of emotions, while “boys are given a two-lane highway.”Parents, teachers, and others who want to expand boys’ emotional expression, however, need to understand and respect the barriers boys face in their lives. Boys (still) pay a social price when they don’t adhere to the cultural script. Crying may be a natural, human emotion, but in most places, a 5th grade boy who cries at school will face uncomfortable social pressure and may be ridiculed. However, understanding the pressures boys face in society doesn’t mean we have to allow or tolerate rude, hateful, or unkind language or behavior. We can (and should) set expectations.Making Space for Boys’ Emotional ExpressionOne thing Lisa realized, while writing her book, is how strongly our cultural seems to prefer verbal expressions of emotion over physical expression. Many boys & men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary folks) use physical activity to express and process their emotions Shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or banging on an old filing cabinet are perfectly acceptable ways to discharging and expressing emotion.“If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy,” Lisa says, noting that many boys also use music to express and regulate emotions.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss:Why we must consider gender when talking about & teaching emotional regulationThe role of men in helping boys express feelingsHow boys police each others’ emotional expressionEstablishing expectations and boundariesBullyingCodeswitchingWhy it “sucks to be a 6th grade boy”Supporting boys’ interestsConstructive conflictSetting the stage for successful conversations w boysExpanding boys’ emotional toolkitLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s websiteThe Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting  – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena NinanTeen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeManaging Emotions — ON BOYS episodeNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Crisis and catastrophe no longer seem so rare.There were 51 school shootings that resulted in injury or death in 2022. Wildfires are destroying communities and affecting air quality. Hurricanes, heat, infectious disease (malaria is back in the U.S & COVID-19 infections are rising), increasing rates of depression and suicide…it’s a lot. And that’s on top of the now-typical anxiety many parents and kids feel about school and sports performance.“We, as parents and caregivers of kids, are constantly confronted by the low to loud crises and catastrophic conditions in our lives,” says Stephanie Malia Krauss, author of Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive. The question we’re faced with is, How do we support kids in challenging times? Whole Child, Whole Life Approach to ThrivingParents & educators can take comfort in the fact that there are core practices that support health, healing, learning, & development, all at the same time. Work on these 5 categories:Safe & supported. Physical and emotional safety are essential to kids’ well-being. How can you help your child feel safe & supported? (The answer may be different for each child.)Rooted & connected. Do your children feel connected to and valued within a community? Do they feel settled?Healthy & healing. How is your child’s physical and emotional health? Is he getting the support he needs for his body & brain? Sleep? Exercise? Nutrition?Learning & growing. Novelty is actually a basic need for children, Stephanie says. Support & encourage kids’ curiosity, imagination, and learning.Living with joy & purpose. Does your child’s life include joy & purpose? How can you include more joy & purpose?“Those five conditions of thriving will protect and support a kid even in catastrophe or crisis,” Stephanie says. She reminds parents that “we have so much power to create conditions that will help our kids weather adversity.”Taking time to meet your own needs is another way you can help your kids thrive. “Thriving begets thriving,” Stephanie says, “and it is even more contagious than anxiety.”In this episode, Jen & Stephanie discuss:Navigating ever-changing, new challengesManaging our anxietyHyper- and hypo-alertness as response to stress“Customizing calm”Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:“Whole Child, Whole Life” w Stephanie Malia Krauss — ON BOYS episodeWhole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Kraussstephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s websiteSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do college students think about masculinity? About fatherhood? About the trauma & violence faced by men in society?Kevin Roy, a family science professor at the University of Maryland (& father of 3 sons), encourages his students to discuss these topics (& more) in his popular class, “Man Up.”“Young women come in saying, ‘what is going on with guys?'” Kevin says. “The young men who take the course are really interested in exploring different ways of thinking about, ‘what is it to be guy?'”Discussing “Toxic Masculinity”A lot of people enter the class with the impression that “masculinity is toxic. That men, by nature, do horrible things,” Kevin says, noting that many students (both male and female) have had negative experiences with men prior to his class.He uses a public health lens to help students explore the idea that, “Men aren’t toxic by nature or nurture. What’s toxic is men’s choices and behaviors that are harmful.” He helps students explore and understand the threats men face to their masculinity, as well as the ways men may respond.One thing many students don’t understand at the beginning of class is that “men never feel safe in their masculinity,” Kevin says. “They’re always challenged; you always have to earn it and you can always be called out.”Helping Boys Consider FatherhoodModeling may be the best way to help boys understand the roles and responsibilities of fatherhood, Kevin says, noting that it’s most helpful if boys see fathers engaged in the gamut of parenting — feelings and all.“If we want our boys to be that way, we have to be that way with them now,” he says. Exposure to men in caregiving roles outside of the house — teacher, childcare provider, nurse — are also helpful.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kevin discuss:Young people’s hunger to discuss masculinityThe diversity of the fatherhood experienceThreats to masculinityBody image pressureBoys’ friendshipsMaking space for dads to connectMarriage and fatherhoodLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Must Expand that Definition of Masculinity for White, Cisgender Men: ‘Ted Lasso’ Offers a Guide – Baltimore Sun op-ed by KevinNurturing Dads: Fatherhood Initiatives Beyond the Wallet, by by William Marsiglio & Kevin Roy Body Image, Eating Disorders, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeGender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode with Richard V. ReevesDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeThe New Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next orderSponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off  Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBoxUse code ONBOYS to save 15%  Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You don’t want to raise an asshole. None of us do!Melinda Wenner Moyer, a science journalist, author, and mom of two, says that science can show us the way. In 2021, she published How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens.Melinda is up front about the fact that raising a non-asshole is a long term project. Kids, she notes, are supposed to be assholes sometimes.“We feel like — and I think that sometimes society tells us — that ‘good parenting’ is kids that are always obedient, never speak unless spoken to, and never break the rules,” she says. “And that is so not true.”Kids’ brains are still developing, so it takes time for them to develop impulse control. Additionally, skills — including social and interpersonal skills — are learned over time.Over-Reacting to Boys’ “Bad” Behavior Doesn’t HelpIn our quest to raise non-assholes, many of us are quick to react when young boys say or do something sexist or racist. And while it’s correct to call out the behavior, a harsh, punitive response is not necessarily the best choice.“Ultimately, in these moments, what we want to be doing is teaching out kids. We want to use this as an opportunity for growth,” Melinda says. “And if we come down really hard — how dare you say that! — that angry sort of reaction can cause boys to shut down. They then go into defensive mode and/or shame; they feel shame for having said it. That makes is really hard for them to be able to engage in a conversation and really be able to learn.”A better approach is to take a deep breath and then start with a question like, What do you mean by that? Then, dig a bit deeper: “I want to hear a little more about that.” Add historical and cultural context as needed, and help your son consider other perspectives.The tendency to harshly punish boys’ mistakes is often counter-productive. Boys need consequences and compassion, not punishment and shame.Supporting Boys’ FriendshipsHumans thrive when they’re part of caring communities. Friendships are an important part of that, but a lot of boys (and men) say they don’t have anyone they can confide in.Boys, like girls, “crave connection,” and young boys typically form close, loving bonds with their friends. But over time, most boys’ friendships become more superficial, less intimate. “The irony,” Melinda says, “is that they’re pulling away from their friends to be accepted as a boy.”It’s important to remember, though, that male friendships may look different than female friendships. Boys & men may express intimacy intimacy and connection differently than most girls and women – and that’s okay.“We really have to trust our own instincts in parenting because we know more than we think we do,” Melinda says.In this episode, Jen & Melinda discuss:The genesis of Melinda’s book, How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t AssholesWhy asshole-y behavior is perfectly normal (and developmentally appropriate) as kids growAllowing kids to see our imperfection & vulnerabilityResponding to offensive, sexist, racist, & misogynistic commentsWhy lying is an important developmental milestoneNatural & logical consequencesMale loneliness & friendshipUsing TV shows & pop culture to discuss values & behaviorLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:How to Raise Kids Who Aren’t Assholes: Science-Based Strategies for Better Parenting – from Tots to Teens, by Melinda Wenner MoyerIs My Kid the Asshole? – Melinda’s Substack newsletterThe Epidemic of Male Loneliness — one of Melinda’s Substack newsletter postsEnding Sexual Violence by Raising Better Boys — Slate article by MelindaSexism Starts in Childhood — Slate article by MelindaHow to Raise a Decent Human Being — BuildingBoys postThe Truth About Raising Teen Boys — BuildingBoys post (first line: “Are all fourteen year old boys assholes?“)Just Don’t Be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) — ON BOYS episodePhyllis Fagell Discusses Middle School Superpowers — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Smart for LifeUse code ONBOYS20 for 20% off your next order Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do boys need to know about birth, babies, and breastfeeding? A lot more than we’re currently teaching them. According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control & Prevention (CDC), 83.2% infants born in 2019 (the last year for which data is available) started out receiving some breast milk, and 78.6% were receiving any breast milk at 1 month. At 6 months, 55.8% of infants received any breast milk and 24.9% received breast milk exclusively. Breastfeeding rates tend to decline over time due to systemc medical and cultural barriers, says Lo Nigrosh, a birth doula and a international board certified lactation consultant.Think about it: Boys who don’t learn about birth, babies, or breastfeeding grow up into men who who don’t understand birth, babies, or breastfeeding. Some will become fathers who unwittingly undercut their partners’ confidence. Some will become employers and legislators who pass policies and laws that don’t consider the realities of birth and infant feeding.“Unless we specifically teach boys about breastfeeding” and birth, then they aren’t going to know about it or be able to provide the physical, logistical, and emotional support their future spouses, partners, and friends may need, says Lo, who also hosts The Milk Making Minutes podcast. Guys “aren’t just going to magically understand milk supply once they become adults, if we don’t start this education early and don’t expose them to all types of baby feeding.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lo discuss:Why boys need to know about birth, babies & breastfeedingHow to talk to & teach boys about breastfeeding and other infant feeding techniquesSupporting boys who play with dolls and mimic breastfeedingTeaching boys about menstruation & female reproductionWhy robotic babies may not be the best way to teach boys (or girls) about families & infant careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Milk Making Minutes podcast — Lo’s podcastwww.quabbinbirthservices.com – Lo’s websiteBuilding Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males — Jen’s bookSecrets of the Elephants — documentary seriesBuffy & Big Bird breasfeeding clipSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Sponsor Spotlight: Factor Use code ONBOYS50 for 50% off Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising Empowered Athletes, by former D1 athlete Kirsten Jones, is the book parents need to navigate today’s youth sports culture.Kids do not need to begin formal sports instruction in preschool, and they don’t need to specialize in a single sport in order to succeed or excel, Kirsten says. In fact, she recommends that kids “try everything” — all kinds of active, physical pursuits, including dance and solo sports – up until age 14 or so. Before that, sports participation should focus on the 3Fs:FriendsFunFundamentalsParents should also resist FOMO, the fear of missing out. Even if other families are opting for elite, travel teams, “you have to do what’s best for your family,” Kirsten says. “It’s a family values discussion. What do you value?”Supporting Boys’ Athletic (& Human) DevelopmentIt can be hard to find coaches and teams that will support your son’s long-term development. Many teams (and coaches) are focused on winning at present, and may not have the time, resources, desire, or skills to nurture the development of boys who are undersized or still developing. You can support your son by finding ways to keep him physically engaged and working toward his long-term goals. Ideally, you’ll find him a coach (or coaches) who will value his determination, dedication, and skills. That, Kirsten admits, can be difficult.Helping your son connect with a mentor — another boy who’s a few years or a level ahead of him, athletically — is one way to support his athletic development. “It’s really powerful,” Kirsten says, “to hear a peer say, I’ve been there, I’ve overcome that injury.'” Mentoring a younger athlete also helps older boys develop their skills and confidence.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kirsten discuss:How youth sports got so out of controlResisting early specialization & FOMOEncouraging physical activityHelping kids advocate for themselvesSupporting late bloomers in sportsHealthy sports parentingHow parents undermine kids’ confidence & skill developmentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Raising Empowered Athletes: A Youth Sports Parenting Guide for Raising Happy, Brave, and Resilient Kids, by Kirsten JonesRaising Athletes podcastkirstenjonesinc.com — Kirsten’s websiteWhole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episodeStephen Curry: Underrated — Apple TV show mentioned in episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wideOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school students are “superheroes in the making,” says Phyllis Fagell, a school counselor, mom, and author of Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times.If that sounds crazy to you, consider this: middle schoolers and superheroes “both get catapulted out of a world they know and sent on a jarring (& occasionally scarring) journey. At the start…they’re strangers to themselves and can feel as if their own bodies have betrayed them,” Phyllis says.Middle School Boys Need Time to MatureRemember: boys’ mature cognitively, physically, and emotionally at a different pace than girls. Generally speaking, boys take longer to mature, so it’s not fair (or helpful) to expect tween boys to consistently think, act, and behave in a mature manner. Many middle school-aged boys have difficulty regulating their emotions, organizing their spaces and time, and communicating with others, but that doesn’t mean those same boys won’t grow up to be amazing humans. They simply need time to grow — and appropriate love and support.“Middle school boys are not the final product,” Phyllis says. “Their skills are still developing, they’re still figuring out who they are, and what they need and can give. Our job is to approach them with curiosity, rather than judgment.”“Super Bounce” & How Boys Can Learn From MistakesAlthough their actions and behavior may suggest otherwise, “every middle school boy wants to do the right thing, wants to be seen as capable and kind and compassionate,” Phyllis says. “They do not want adults [or their peers] to think poorly of them.”Their impulsivity and immaturity sometimes (maybe even often) leads them to behave in ways that hurt others (or themselves). While it’s important to not shield boys from the consequences of their actions, punishment is not the best way to help middle school boys learn from mistakes or poor choices.“If you are too harsh or punitive — especially if the consequence doesn’t match or have any kind of logical connection to whatever the mistake was — that kid is going to get stuck in shame,” Phyllis says. “We want them to learn, not get so stuck or paralyzed that they can’t learn.”Instead of berating boys for their actions, encourage self-reflection and restitution. One question that can help boys self-reflect on their behavior: Were you your best self? In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Phyllis discuss:Tween development – & how today’s tweens are different than their predecessorsSetting tweens up for successSupporting boys’ friendshipsA boys who sneaks out of bed to play video gamesAn app to help tweens develop their superpowersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:PhyllisFagell.com — Fagell’s online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule.Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times, by Phyllis FagellMiddle School Matters: The 10 Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond, by Phyllis FagellMiddle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodeThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episode featuring Jason Ablin (who’s mentioned by Phyllis in this episode)Sponsor Spotlight: Herbal-zzZs Use code ONBOYS25 to save 25% site-wide   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Body image concerns and eating disorders affect boys too. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies. 3% are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, 7% use supplements, and a 2019 study found that 1 in 5 guys aged 18-24 had an eating disorder due to a desire to enhance muscles.Boys, like girls, need help developing a healthy body image and healthy habits.Eating Disorders May Be Missed in BoysTo date, the “vast majority of body image and eating disorder research has focused on thinness and weight loss, particulary in females. Very few people are doing research on or have a great understanding of body image pressures for boys, which often drive young people to be more muscular, bigger, and bulkier,” says Jason Nagata, MD, MSc, associate professor of pediatrics in the division of adolescent and young adult medicine at UC – San Francisco.While still in medical school, Nagata met a 16 year old boy who was a wrestler.“He’d been suffering for years, checking his weight and himself in the mirror several times a day. His parents thought something wasn ‘t right, so they brought him in to his primary care pediatrician, who eventually brought him into the eating disorder clinic,” Nagata said.Two-and-half-years, however, had elapsed before the boy was diagnosed with an eating disoder, and during that time, he “suffered a lot and had some pretty serious medical complications that required hospitalization,” Nagata says.At the time, there was “almost nothing in the literature” about boys & eating disoders, and the guidelines for medical management of eating disorders focused on girls & women.Eating disorders in boys & men may also be missed because many unhealthy behaviors — such as fasting for 24 hours or sweating off water weight — are “completely normalized” in certain sportsHow Eating Disorders Present in Boys“Because the masculine ideal has become increasingly large and muscular, many boys are doing muscle-enhancing behaviors” to try to achieve that, Jason says.Signs of an eating disorder in boys may include:Overconsumption of protein while restricting carbs & fatUsing supplements to increase muscularityExcessive or compulsive exerciseFinding Help for Eating Disorders & Body Image ConcernsIf you suspect your son may struggle with disordered eating or excessive exercise, schedule an appointment with your son’s primary care provider.Unfortunately, “there’s a lack of training on eating disorders in general, and even more so for eating disorders in boys and men,” so you may need to very explicitly share your concerns and suspicions with your provider, and advocate for appropriate assessment.In this episode, Jen & Jason discuss:The 3 biggest influences on boys’ body imageHow eating disorders present in boysConditions that may predispose boys to muscle dysmorphia and eating disordersSeeking help for eating disordersProtein overconsumptionDietary supplementsSupporting healthy habitsLong-time health impact of eating disordersLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:nagatalab.ucsf.edu — Nagata Lab website (includes links to research & news articles about eating disorders in boys & men, screentime in adolescents & young adults, & much more)Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys & Body Image — ON BOYS episodeBoys Get Eating Disorders Too — ON BOYS episodeNational Eating Disorder Association — includes links to help Sponsor Spotlight: TonieBoxUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcareSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, you can be an unflustered mom.Identifying your anxiety style is the first step, says Amber Trueblood, a mom of four boys (currently ages 10, 12, 14, & 15) and author of The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love.“Anxiety is not one-size-fits-all. It doesn’t look the same for everybody,” Amber says. “What you’re trigged by is going to be different for what triggers someone else emotionally.”Five Anxiety StylesAmber says there are 5 primary anxiety styles:The Fighter. Fighters “see themselves as survivors and protectors,” Amber says. They are compelled to act if they perceive a problem, and tend be more comfortable in chaos & challenge than in peace.The Visionary. Visionaries are all about making a deep impact on the world. They feel anxious when others don’t understand (or see) their vision, or when life events prevent progress.The Dynamo. Dynamos want achievement, recognition, and respect. They tend to be do-ers.The Executive. Executives are driven by the need to feel emotionally safe. They are forward-thinking planners and organizers.The Lover. Lovers are driven by relationships. They want and need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued.Each has different emotional triggers and responds best to differing interventions and coping strategies. Each also has superhero traits that you can harness.Learning how to manage your anxiety style can help you be a better, more effective parent.“The more that you can be unflustered, the better you’re going to sleep and take care of your physical health. You’ll be able to think more clearly and respond more thoughtfully, consciously, and purposefully in every area of your life,” Amber says.“You can have all the best parenting tools on the planet, but if you’re walking around like a cyclone of emotional instability, fear, anger, regret, and self-doubt, it’s really hard to be the best parent you can be.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amber discuss:The 5 anxiety stylesCoping strategies tailored to your anxiety styleLife lessons for each anxiety styleJen & Janet’s anxiety stylesHow managing your anxiety can make you a better parentLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Unflustered Mom: How Understanding the Five Anxiety Styles Transforms the Way We Parent, Partner, Live, and Love –– Amber’s bookambertrueblood.com — Amber’s website (includes the quiz to identify your anxiety style)Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS podcastSponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcare Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Baby Foot Get an exclusive offer with code BOYS20Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: ToniesUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Medical expenses are a part of life.  (Particularly if you live in the United States!)Figuring out how to budget and pay for well-child checks, sports physicals, ER and urgent care visits, and recommended screenings is confusing and overwhelming. Health insurance is expensive and difficult to decipher. Independent contractors and entrepreneurs typically don’t have access to group plans, and many available plans simply don’t meet the needs of today’s families.Cost-sharing plans are an alternative for managing medical expenses.How Cost-Sharing Plans Differ From Health InsuranceTraditional health insurance plans transfer the financial risk from individuals to the insurance company. Individuals (or families) pay a monthly premium and are responsible for deductible and co-pays.In contrast, when you sign up for a cost-sharing plan, you become a member of a group that shares the cost of medical needs, says Melissa Blatt, founder & CEO of Indipop. Cost-sharing health plans are also sometimes called “health sharing” plans or “membership” or “subscription” plans. Traditionally, most cost-sharing plans were connected with religious organizations, and many required a statement of faith from members. Today, secular cost-sharing plans are available to individuals and families.With cost-sharing plans, your deductible doesn’t automatically reset each year; physical therapy that’s needed in January due to a surgery or injury that happened in December is not considered separately or subject to a new deductible.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Melissa discuss:Cost-sharing plans vs. traditional health insuranceWhat to consider when choosing a plan to help with medical expensesHow a cost-sharing plan can help you control healthcare costsComparing health plansPre-existing conditionsHealthcare costsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:indipop.co — Indipop websiteHow to Reduce Medical Costs for Your Child — Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: IndipopSubscription-based healthcare Sponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Sponsor Spotlight: Essential LabsUse code ONBOYS to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Now is the best time to raise boys, says psychologist Michael Reichert, founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys’ & Girls’ Lives, author of How to Raise a Boy, and co-author of Equimundo’s recent State of American Men report. It doesn’t feel that way to many parents (or boys), though. Recently, for the first time in recorded history, a majority of expectant American parents expressed a preference for a female child because boys’ lives are “too uncertain.”“There’s such a cloud of pessimism that hangs over raising a boy,” Reichert says. But over the course of his career, Reichert has seen “a revolution in the willingness to apply science to the project of male development.” Researchers, educators, and parents are beginning to seriously think about how to best support boys.Connection is CrucialAt present, 2/3 of American men ages 18-23 says “no one really knows me well.” That’s a problem because humans who are not in relationship with others who know them well are dangerous to themselves and others.Human beings are relational learners, and boys, in particular, need connection to thrive. “Boys will give up trying if they don’t believe that someone really ‘get them’ and cares about how they’re doing,” Reichert says.Boys may appear to resist relationships (especially with teachers), but often, that resistance is grounded in past experience. By late elementary school, many boys have already concluded that most people don’t genuinely care about them — so, they resist adult efforts to connect, in an effort to protect themselves. “Consequently, the boy is misunderstood as someone who is unavailable for relationship,” Reichert says, which “compounds that problem and exacerbates the cycle.”Yet many parents believe that boys’ noisy resistance should be “met by an exercise of force or domination,” such as threat, punishment, scolding, or shaming, he says. But that’s precisely when boys most need connection and compassion.“The long game in parenting a boy who’s having trouble behaving is to help that boy express what’s driving his behavior” and help him develop emotional awareness and self-regulation skills, Reichert says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Parental anxiety re raising boysMale motivationHow teachers & parents misunderstand boysBoys’ developmental precarityHelping boys self-regulateConnecting with young adult malesDeveloping boys’ emotional strengthYour secret parent superpowerLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:michaelcreichert.com — Michael’s website (includes contact information)State of American Men reportIs This the Best Time to Be Raising a Boy? — Building Boys Bulletin 5-29-23I Won’t Learn From You: And Other Thoughts on Creative Maladjustment, by Herbert KohlHere’s What I’ve Learned About Raising Boys in My 30 Years as a Child Psychologist — Self article by MichaelHow to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men — Michael’s bookHow to Raise a Boy (with Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episodeChimp Empire — Netflix seriesSponsor Spotlight: McEvoy RanchUse code ONBOYS15 to save 15%Sponsor Spotlight: June’s JourneyDownload via iOS or AndroidOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sue Atkins encourages parents to slow down, relax, & learn from their children.“We are rushing through life,” says the UK parenting guru.. “We rush everything — we rush our children to eat their breakfast, to do their shoes up, to brush their teeth. And I think children have got something to teach us, because they just don’t worry about those things. They take their time.”Atkins also encourages parents to “exude confidence” — even if they’re not feeling 100% confident — via their voice & body language. She also reminds parents that they’re doing a better job than they probably think.“If you’re kind; if you’re loving; if you have firm, fair, consistent boundaries and the kids know them and know you’ll follow through on consequences, they’ll learn to self-regulate,” she says. “They’ll learn it from you first and then they’ll implement it as they grow and change.”Focus on the big picture and “lighten up a bit,” Atkins says. “Parenting is an adventure.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sue discuss:Sue’s experience of pregnancy & parentingHow to develop patienceWhy self-care isn’t selfishHow to get kids to listenDeveloping parental confidenceTeaching kindnessUnmotivated teenage/young adult malesLetting boys make mistakesManaging disrespectParenting after divorceScreen time (Spoiler alert: Better to balance than ban!)How to avoid overreacting to boys’ behaviorCreating space to connectLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:sueatkinsparentingcoach.com — Sue’s websiteNonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episodeMathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma — ON BOYS episodeLads Need Dads with Sonia Shaljean — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Baby QuipUse code ONBOYS for $20 off your reservation of $100 or more.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Whole Child, Whole Life approach can help kids thrive.Stephanie Malia Krauss, a mom of two boys and an author with a background in education and social work, wrote Whole Child, Whole life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive because she realized that parents, educators, coaches, community leaders (and so many others!) all need to know how to nurture the whole child. Focusing on certain aspects of a child’s development — say, their academic or athletic development — while neglecting other aspects of the child’s identity can inhibit growth and even inflict harm.“Kids bring their whole human selves onto the field and into the school building,” Krauss says. “You might see them as just ‘an athlete’ or ‘a student,’ but that’s not how they’re experiencing every interaction.”Brokenness, shes says, shows up when a child is “persistently and chronically in environments and experiences that ignore, devalue, or demean aspects of themselves. It occurs when kids’ basic needs are not consistently met — when kids spend a lot of time in environments where they feel like they don’t belong.Meeting Boys’ Basic Needs Can Help Them Become WholeAll humans have basic needs that must be met to sustain life. Children have additional basic needs that must be met if they are to thrive.“Children – including tweens and teens — need time for play. They need downtime and they need purpose. They need a sense that they’re in this world for some reason,” Krauss says. Kids, of course, also need sleep, movement, and nutrition, but they need more of some of these things (sleep, for instance) than adults do.Krauss encourages parents and educators to broaden their focus. Instead of aiming for “college and career readiness,” she wants adults to think about “what does this kid need for a long life that they love?” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stephanie discuss:Wholeness vs brokeness10 Whole Life practicesAwe & wonderBrain/body connectionNurturing the whole childLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Whole Child, Whole Life: 10 Ways to Help Kids Live, Learn, & Thrive, by Stephanie Malia Kraussstephaniemaliakrauss.com — Stephanie’s websiteMaking It: What Today’s Kids Need for Tomorrow’s World, by Stephanie Malia KraussOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Want to connect with boys? Pay attention to your nonverbal communication.Tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, and even our breathing influence the perception of our words and messages, says Michael Grinder, who’s known as the “father of nonverbal communication.“If you look at someone and make eye contact, it increases the emotions,” he says. “So if you like the emotions, keep the eye contact. If you do not like the emotions, stop making eye contact.”Females tend to enjoy the eye contact, even if it’s combative, Michael says. Males often do not. The heightened state of physiological arousal that accompanies eye contact can make it more more difficult for them to verbally communicate, so many boys and men prefer side-by-side communication to face-to-face communication, especially when talking about tough subjects.Improving your nonverbal communication skills can help you effectively connect with your sons. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Male vs. female perceptions of eye contactHow to make (& use) a Feelings WheelAccommodating different communication preferences3 variables in any negotiationMale & female differences in communicationHow to enlist the village to help your boys communicateCreating places for communicationLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:michaelgrinder.com — Michael’s websiteWhat Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents — NYT article referenced in this episodeCircles of Humanness –– one of Michael’s YouTube videosMikey – The True Story of Michael GrindrCharisma: Understand the Art of Relationships, by Michael GrinderCircles and Chairs of Negotiation — Michael Grinder YouTube videoThe Nothing Box — YouTube video re the difference between male & female brainsHow to Building Your Village — ON BOYS episodeOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gemma Gaudette says “we don’t give boys enough credit.”Gemma, host of Idaho Matters & a mom of two sons (currently ages 11 & 15), knows (from personal experience!) that boys can be dramatic & sensitive, even though society has coded those traits as “feminine.” Yet many adults continue to insist on & impose so-called “masculine” expectations on boys, without recognizing the breadth of normal variation.Many adults also react to boys’ behavior based on their experiences with harmful adult males. “There’s an automatic assumption that boys are bad,” Gemma says. “There is an automatic assumption that a boy is a predator…I get very frustrated as a boy mom when we label all boys as ‘bad,’ ‘aggressive,’ as ‘having anger issues,’ because I think that when we do that, at some point, our boys believe that.”Helping boys navigate emotions & relationshipsLike most brothers, Gemma’s boys fight & bicker – often, physically. Given the age & size difference between her sons, she told her oldest son not to engage physically with the younger son. Sensing opportunity, the young one began tormenting his older brother. That led to a fascinating, revealing conversation between Gemma and her 15-year-old, which revealed her son’s deep love and concern for his younger brother. She validated his feelings and reiterated his right to self-protection.“We have to give boys room to breathe, and say that it’s okay sometimes feel aggression,” Gemma says. We then need to talk to them about healthy ways to cope with that feeling. We also need to establish boundaries and (reasonable) behavioral expectations, she says..On giving boys more independenceParental fear can inhibit boys’ independence and hinder the development of confidence and competence. Boys need opportunities to assume responsibility and act autonomously in order to develop responsibility.“We’ve got to give them little baby steps toward autonomy,” Gemma says, “so when we release them ‘into the wild,’ they know how to make good choices.”As her boys have become teenagers, Gemma has shifted toward advising them and encouraging them to consider their options (and the likely consequences of each option) instead of simply telling them what to do. “They need me now to coach them,” she says, “because if we continue to tell them what to do, they’ll never know what to do when we’re not there.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss:Helping boys recognize & navigate gender normsAggression nurturance & roughhousingSetting boundariesModeling & teaching conflict resolutionSociety’s fear of teenage boysTeaching boys mannersGiving boys autonomyWhy Gemma doesn’t use an app or tracker to monitor her boys’ whereaboutsThe mental load of parenting teensLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Boy Moms as Boy Advocates — our previous ON BOYS episode w Gemma“Building Boys:” An Author Interview with Jennifer Fink — Gemma interviews Jen on Idaho MattersRaising Boys — CBSN documentary featuring Jen & GemmaMichael Gurian on Raising Boys –– ON BOYS episodeTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) — ON BOYS episodeWhat Middle School Boys Need — ON BOYS episode w Jerome HunterOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Advanced parenting may involve guiding a child through a mental health crisis. Or parenting a child with a chronic medical condition. Or both. It’s what parents must do when a child’s needs go beyond basic feeding, sheltering, loving, and nurturing.As a childhood cancer survivor and complex care pediatrician, Dr. Kelly Fradin knows that it’s difficult for parents to balance kids’ physical and mental challenges with the routine logistics of parenting and family life. Healthcare providers and mental health clinicians often don’t have the time they’d like to support parents navigating these complex challenges, so she write a guidebook to help parents: Advanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges.Parenting Boys Through Health Challenges“Boys struggle just as much as girls with having a challenge that separates them from their friends,” Dr. Kelly says.But while many girls will spontaneously reach out for support and share their emotions with their friends and family, boys will likely need extra parental support to develop their emotional vocabulary.“If they have that emotional literacy of being able to identify and talk about their feelings, they can communicate on a more sophisticated level,” she says, noting that parents (and other adults) must also give boys space and time to experience their emotions. Boys, Dr. Kelly says, need to know that “they don’t have to be strong all the time.” In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kelly discuss:When — and how — to ask questions of healthcare professionals and educatorsEvaluating online sources of health informationTalking to your child about a diagnosisManaging parental anxietyInvolving boys in their medical careManaging medication refusalMaking room for emotionsHelping siblings copePicking your prioritiesLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drkellyfradin.com — Dr. Kelly’s websiteAdvanced Parenting: Advice for Helping Kids Through Diagnoses, Differences, & Mental Health Challenges, by Dr. Kelly FradinAdvanced Parenting podcast seriesYou Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs — ON BOYS episodeParenting Thru Health Challenges — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10% Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Midlife parenting often means navigating puberty and perimenopause at the same time.The average age of first parenthood has increased in recent years, so many moms now find themselves going thru perimenopause around the same time their kids hit puberty, according to a 2021 New York Times Parenting Newsletter article titled, When Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape.And while thinking of your home as a “hormonal hellscape” may not be soothing, it’s refreshing to hear honest talk about midlife parenting.“Sometimes people try to soft pedal the challenges,” says Ann Douglas, author of the best selling MOTHER OF ALL BOOKS series and Parenting Through the Storm, a book about parenting children through psychological problems. “Let’s be real about it.”That’s exactly what Douglas does in her latest book, Navigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women.Similarities Between Puberty & Midlife“When you’re at midlife, you tend to start questioning everything,” Douglas says. “It’s a lot like the identity quest of adolescence.”Understanding that fact may make you more empathetic to the changes (and mood swings!) your child is experiencing. Many midlife adults and teens are asking themselves, How do I fit into the world? Midlife Parents Need Support & Community“I am such a believer in peer support,” Douglas says. “You want to talk to someone who knows just how hard it is – and who won’t judge — and that some from layers and layers of shared experience. We were never meant to go through any life stage on our own.”Support and community can be found online or in person. “You can process a lot of the thinking and learning together,” says Douglas, who believes that her younger self would be surprised to discover what a joyous stage midlife can be. “It literally feels like I was running a marathon for decades – and then suddenly, the race didn’t matter as much and it was more about feeling happy with who I am and my contributions to the world. I feel like I can enjoy and savor.”In this episode, Jen & Ann discuss:Perimenopause as “reverse puberty”How midlife sneaks up on usFeeling invisibleMoney and work at midlifeAddressing perimenopause symptomsReal self-careLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:anndouglas.ca — Ann’s websiteNavigating the Messy Middle: A Fiercely Honest & Wildly Encouraging Guide for Midlife Women, by Ann DouglasWhen Your Home is a Hormonal Hellscape — NYT articleMidlife Reimagined — Ann’s Psychology Today blogParenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems, by Ann DouglasAuthor Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Problems — Building Boys postTrying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss, by Ann DouglasSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school — and ages 11 to 14 — is “a time like no other!”It’s a time when significant biological, neurological and emotional changes are happening simultaneously.Middle school boys can be a confusing mix. They want to be treated like adults AND still do incredibly silly things. Jerome Hunter, co-founder of the Seattle School for Boys, recalls his middle school experience as a rollercoaster. In 6th grade, he was an enthusiastic learner who was interested in art, sports, math, & music. But as his junior high years went on, he felt the pressure to conform to others’ expectations. Drawing and art fell by the wayside; sports and socializing moved into prominence. Like so many boys, he felt he had to choose socially acceptable interests, and even though he didn’t feel entirely comfortable dropping some of his passions, he (like so many boys) “didn’t have the language to communicate that.”Middle School Boys, Explained“The middle school boy, as he’s getting older, is yearning for autonomy, freedom, and independence,” Hunter says.At the same time, boys ages 10 to 14 (or so) have almost an “unfiltered desire to be part of the world,” Hunter says. They’re also more reflective, informed, and introspective than many people think.“I was pleasantly surprised by the amount of thought they put into their conversations,” Hunter says. When tween boys have safe spaces to connect, and are surrounded by people who truly care about their well-being, they can (and will) dig deep. Especially when boys are surrounded by a spectrum of masculinity.Helping Boys Explore MasculinityBoys do best when they are given opportunities to explore and think about masculinity, instead of simply adopting others’ expectations.“If we can educate young people between the ages of 11 and 14, it can really shift the way society views masculinity and boys, as well as the way they define themselves and interact with the world,” Hunter says. The goal is to empower boys to choose how they act (and interact with others).Making sure boys have structured, safe time for communication is another way to help boys explore masculinity — and can decrease the teasing and insults that are so common among pre-teen and adolescent boys.“Giving boys time for healthy communication will often disrupt some of that unhealthy communication,” Hunter says.3 Skills Every Middle School Boys NeedsAll boys need:Healthy and balanced confidenceTo communicate openly and clearlyTo contribute to their communityIn this episode, Janet & Jerome discuss:Characteristics of middle school boysTween developmentSingle-sex educationSkills every boy needsWhy pre-teen & adolescent boys tease & insult each otherConnecting boys to the larger communityShifting your parenting to as your son growsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jeromeleehunter.com — Jerome’s website3 Skills Every Middle School Needs — Jerome’s TED talkSeattle School for BoysMy Brothers’ Keeper AllianceBraden Bell Explains Middle School Boys — ON BOYS episodeMiddle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell — ON BOYS episodeTop 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys — classic BuildingBoys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mother’s Day is a day to honor the sacrifices mothers make for their children. At least, that was the intent of Anna Jarvis, the founder of Mother’s Day in the United StatesThis year, we’re also celebrating the many ways in which mothering has enhanced our lives. (“You can’t stay stagnant as a human being while you’re a parent,” Jen says.)Parenting is a lot more challenging than most of us expected. And yet, raising kids is an awesome, enriching experience.Mothering & Learning to Let GoParenting “by the books” is exhausting — and often ineffective. Our panel of experienced moms have found better luck (and more satisfaction) in tailoring their parenting to their child. And in trusting the process.“Your child is going to grow through whatever stage he is in,” Janet says.Mother’s Day ExpectationsFor many moms, Mother’s Day can be stressful. We want to be appreciated. We might want to relax — alone, or with family. Some moms are grieving the loss of a child, the loss of a parent, or other losses. Sharing your preferences with your family can be helpful.In this episode, Jen, Janet, Katie & Brenda discuss:If we wanted boys or girlsHow parenting matched (or didn’t match!) our preconceived notions of parentingOur evolution as parentsSleep challengesGiving boys time to matureSelf-compassion & self-careLetting others helpLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Honoring Dads on Father’s Day (and Always) — ON BOYS episodeBoy Moms as Boy Advocates — ON BOYS episodeAll Boys? — classic Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Division 51 of the American Psychological Association launched a Task Force on Boys in School in 2020.Finally!Boys do worse in school, on average, than girls. Boys are more likely to be disciplined, suspended, or expelled than girls — even when their behavior is similar. They’re also less likely to graduate or go onto college and graduate from college.These facts aren’t new. Boys have been struggling for decades. “We are very late to the game,” says Christopher Reigeluth, PhD, an assistant professor in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at Oregon Health and Science University and chair of the Boys in School task force. “Lots of people are late to the game in this regard. I can take some pride in the fact that we got this task force going and are trying to build awareness of this decades-long issue.”Why It’s Taken So Long to Address Boys’ Issues in SchoolBecause men still predominate in positions of power, many people assume boys are doing just fine.“The light doesn’t get shined on boys and men for their difficulties and issues and mental health struggles the way that it needs to, and those things can get overlooked. And have been overlooked for a long time,” Chris says. Additionally, he says, “the ‘guy code’ doesn’t want there to be acknowledgment of the fact that boys suffer, or boys feel vulnerability and have weaknesses and insecurities, even though everyone does.”Why Boys Struggle in SchoolEducators’ perceptions (and expectations) of boys affect boys’ educational experiences. “Boys as a group experience implicit biases against them,” Chris says.He also believes that boys’ socialization leads many of them to devalue school and education. “a lot of that comes from messages they get about how they should be as guys, and what society tells them is appropriate versus not appropriate behavior,” he says. Boys’ beliefs about masculinity can exacerbate their issues with school.What the Task Force is Doing – & What You Can DoThe task force has created (and is disseminating) a variety of fact sheets:Exploring Boys’ (Mis)BehaviorLearning DisabilitiesHigh Achieving BoysParents and others concerned about boys can also vote for school board members and legislators who care about boys’ issues and education. We can also communicate the importance of education to our boys.Schools and teachers must also create safe, welcoming spaces for boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Chris discuss:Chris’ experience as a boy in schoolParenting “underperforming” boysWhat teachers (don’t) learn about boysImplicit bias against boysHow race and gender affect boys’ schoolingHow parents and educators can help boys in schoolLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.division51.net/taskforce-on-boys-in-school — Task Force websitechrisreigeluth.com — Chris’ websiteThe Gender Equation in Schools — ON BOYS episodeHow Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison Pipeline — ON BOYS episodeForest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally — ON BOYS episodeHomeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys –– ON BOYS episodeEmails & Phone Calls from Teachers — ON BOYS episodeHow to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episodeThe Masculinity Workbook for Teens: Discover What Being a Guy Means to You — workbook by ChrisOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The New Masculinity: A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex Manley, can help boys create their own unique definition of what it means to be a man.With a last name like Manley, it was impossible for Alex to ignore the societal pressures for boys and men to behave in certain ways. But Manley also noticed that “lots of men struggle with masculinity, with trying to live up to an ideal or standard that doesn’t match their lived experience,” they say.Boys and men, Manley says, are caught between traditional definitions and understandings of masculinity, and a future definition that hasn’t been fully defined.Creating a New MasculinityTraditional masculinity is often passed down via a series of “don’ts”: Don’t cry. Don’t walk away from a fight. Don’t break the “bro code” Don’t get friend zoned. Manley wants boys and men to think about how these limitations may be negatively affecting their well-being. Societal expectations that traditionally limit friendships between males and females, and place social responsibility on females’ shoulders, are one reason why so many boys & men are lonely today. And because interpersonal connections are deeply important to human well-being and health, these socially imposed limitations directly contribute to males’ shorter, less healthy lifespans.Creating a new masculinity makes room for boys and men to reclaim their full humanity and live happier, longer, healthier lives.Of course, it’s not easy to challenge (or change) social and cultural expectations. But “the cost of not doing this is a lot more than the cost of doing this,” Manley says. “The long-term benefits of taking action vastly outweigh the short-term negatives.”It’s time, Manley says, for “a masculinity that is not so brittle.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alex discuss:Changing definitions of masculinityWhy boys & men need female friendsHelping boys expand the “man box”Bro cultureHow to support boysWhat boys learn about pain, injury, health, & self-careBeing a decent human vs. being a “good man” (Alex says, “Being a good man and a good human don’t have to be vastly different concepts.”)Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:alexmanley.com — Alex’s websiteThe New Masculinity. A Roadmap for a 21st Century Definition of Manhood, by Alex ManleyA Silent Crisis in Men’s Health Gets Worse — Washington Post article mentionedThe Fragile Beauty of Male Friendship — Substack post by Richard V. ReevesDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSports & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeJunior Seau, Sports Illustrated, & Playing Thru Pain — classic Building Boys postSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens is the latest book by Dr. Tish Taylor, a child psychologist with more than 25 years of experience.Fostering connection is also key to boys’ social, emotional, and overall well-being. But how do we teach our boys to connect? How can we best connect with them?Through her work, Dr. Tish noticed certain patterns of behavior in kids, teens, and adults. She dubbed some of these patterns Connectors and others, Disconnectors. The Helpful Coach Connector, for instance, sees smarter and more effective ways to handle a situation and is willing to call a time-out to ponder options.In contrast, the Insulator, a Disconnector, doesn’t want help or constructive criticism.The Insulator is emotionally overwhelmed and wants other to go away!“I tried to simplify things and make it more concrete,” Dr. Tish says, nothing that, “You can see all of these behaviors and patterns in anyone.” Some of the disconnecting behaviors, though, are perhaps more frequently seen in people with ADHD or oppositional defiant disorder (ODD).In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Tish discuss:Connecting vs. disconnecting behaviorsAdults as behavior role modelsManaging feelings of failure and inadequacyDisconnecting behaviors common to ADHD and ODDWhat to do when kids don’t want to apologizeInteracting with a kid who’s in “fight” modeFostering flexible thinkingScreentimeDealing w a morning “grumpmeister”Managing your reactions to your boys’ moddsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:tishtaylor.com — Dr. Tish’s website (includes Connectors & Disconnector cards & images)Fostering Connection: Building Social and Emotional Health in Children and Teens, by Dr. Tish TaylorParenting “Spicy” Boys — ON BOYS episodeTeaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode w ADHD Dude Ryan WexelblattSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%       Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% offOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys and dyslexic learners could positively change so many lives.Jason Kantor, a New York-based homeschool tutor who frequently works with boys and dyslexic learners, believes it’s important to identify kids’ strengths and build them up, so they develop true confidence in themselves and their ability. Especially because so many boys and people with dyslexia attend schools that focus on their flaws and shortcomings, rather than their strengths.“A dyslexic who goes to the public school system can feel tormented because they feel dumb,” Kantor says. “They’re sitting there in class and can’t read and think I’m not catching up with my peers, I’m struggling, everyone thinks I’m lazy and unmotivated.” Eventually, these thoughts and feelings leach motivation, and kids lose confidence in their ability.“You can throw the best reading tips and tools at kids, and have the best teachers, but if kids don’t believe in themselves, they’re not going to learn to read,” Kantor says. To effectively help “failing” or “unmotivated” learners, he said, you must first believe in them – and show them that you believe they can do great things.Nurture Kids’ Interests to Help Them Learn“Most kids don’t care about school, so when they fail, they’re like, whatever,” Jason says. But when kids are given the opportunity to do things that matter to them and fall short of their goals, they tend to keep trying.“It’s easier for kids to swallow failure and bounce back when it’s something they want to get better at,” he says. So, when he works with kids, one of the first things he tries to determine is what they’re interested in and passionate about.Jason encouraged one boy, age 15, to start a pizza business. The boy loved to cook, so Jason encouraged him to “take it to the next level.” He’s since developed a recipe, contacted multiple farmers’ markets, and has 11 scheduled bookings.Encouraging and empowering boys and dyslexic learners allows them to develop resilience and confidence.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss:Believing in boysSymptoms of dyslexiaConfidence and exploration for dyslexicsIntrinsic motivation & relationshipsBelief and ambitionBuilding self-belief through encouragementLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:@coachjasonkantor — Jason’s Instgram@thejasonkantor – Jason on TwitterSupporting Boys’ Interests — ON BOYS episodeNovel Education for Boys — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off  Sponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males is Jen’s second book. Janet says it contains “wise words from a mom who has successfully raised four boys,” “wise words from an author who knows how to weave personal stories with scientific research,” and “wise words from the many experts she’s interviewed” — including many here ON BOYS!The book has been years in the making — years of parenting, learning, pitching, and writing. And it’s applicable to all kinds of families: those raising little boys as well as those raising teens; those raising neurodiverse boys; two-parent families, single-parent families, and more. It’s built around 10 broad guidelines that parents can use to guide their parenting choices & daily interactions:Learn the terrainEmphasize emotional intelligenceDiscuss & demonstrated healthy relationshipsLet him struggleHelp him find & develop his talentsGive him timeChallenge him with chores & caregivingKeep him closeConnect him to the real worldAccept him as he is“I can’t tell you the specific of what to do when your 7-year-old is poking his 4-year-old brother, but I can give you some really good guidelines that you can use to figure out what you want to do next,” Jen says. “What I tried to do in this book is share some of the things that I learned the hard way.”In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:How parenting boys influenced Building BoysWhat Jen’s boys think about the bookWhich chapter Jen wrote firstJanet’s favorite “rule”The pace of male developmentSibling relationshipsMale friendshipFacilitating boys’ interestsThe power of connectionHow bias & racism affect boysHow self-doubt hurts parents of boys (& their sons)Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jennifer L.W. FinkBuilding Boys Bulletin — Jen’s newsletterThe First-Time Mom’s Guide to Raising Boys — Jen’s first bookWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering – Building Boys blog postHow to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneMore Wisdom from Teacher Tom — ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneCaste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel WilkersonHow to Build Your Village – ON BOYS episode mentioned during this oneSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off       Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You can build your village, says Florence Ann Romano.Most of us have heard that “it takes a village” to help children and adults thrive. We also want to know where $%@ the village went! Parenting today — often, far from extended family — can be an isolating experience.You don’t have to do it all alone, though. In her new book Build Your Village: Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, Romano, a childcare advocate and former nanny, shows parents how to create and nurture community.Your Village Should Be Unique“Trying to replicate other people’s villages is where we get into a little bit of trouble,” Romano says. We can feel inferior and depleted when we compare our “village” — our support system — to others. But we all have unique needs, skills, and talents, so our villages should look different.“Every family has their own ethos and values,” Romano says.You need to be vulnerable and honest when you begin building (or shoring up) your village. That part can be uncomfortable; it’s hard to admit — even to ourselves — what we need and might be missing. But “asking for help is absolutely imperative,” Romano says.Taking time to identify your passions and personal interests can also help you populate your village. Why not join a local MeetUp group, or volunteer at, say, your local humane society? Interacting with people who share common interests and goals increases the likelihood that you’ll connect with others who “get” you. And that’s a big part of any village.“No matter how old you are, you want to be seen, heard, and understood,” Romano says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Florence discuss:What 15 years of nannying taught Florence Ann about boysHow the COVID-19 pandemic affected about ability to build villageThe 6 villagers you need in your villageHelping your boys build their villageHow nurturing your friendships can help your boys build a healthy villageHow helping others can help you build your villageHow males build a villageLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Build Your Village: A Guide to Finding Joy and Community in Every Stage of Life, by Florence Ann RomanoHow to Have a Kid and a Life — ON BOYS podcastSponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off Sponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jonathon Reed has a lot of experience talking to tween & teen boys. As a program manager with NextGenMen, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity, Reed frequently works with boys in grades 6-8. He says that while boys today are more comfortable wearing pink than they were a generation or so ago, they still face pressure to think and act in certain ways.“There’s a lot of ‘boys don’t cry,'” Reed says. “There’s still pressure to get girls or be in a relationship.”Gender Narratives Are Shifting Societal expectations of boys & men are shifting. Consider Iron Man, the superhero. Traditionally, male superheros are supposed to super strong and invulnerable. Iron Man, of course, is strong, but in the Avengers movies, he’s shown as struggling with some anxiety and PTSD symptoms due to the “scary stuff he had experienced while defending New York City,” Reed says.These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Our interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.School Stress Affects Many BoysTween and teen boys may seem like they don’t care about school, but many are struggling with academic stress and school-related pressure.“The stress related to academics still looms really large in the lives of young people,” Reed says. We can help boys by reassuring them and reminding them, over and over, that grades and school performance are not a mark of a person’s worth.All boys need validation — perhaps, especially, the boys who are in “the middle of the pack” and aren’t getting accolades for academic or athletic performance. Let go of your preconceived expectations, and look for things to value and affirm in the boys you love and work with.Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.”Approach Conversations with CuriosityTeenage boys (and all humans) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. You’ll have better luck discussing difficult subject if you approach conversations with curiosity, Reed says.“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” he says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jonathon discuss:Gender expectations for boysLearning from boysWhat boys talk aboutWhy it’s hard for boys to ask for helpUsing boys interests to talk about deeper topicsTalking to tween & teen about Andrew TateDiscussing consentHow building up boys’ confidence increases their ability to resist peer pressure & handle rejectionHelping boys recognize & respect their boundariesBoy cultureLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:NextGenMen websiteRaising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episodeBreaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episodeTeen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episodeCreating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica ScottBoys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episodeNextGenMen’s Future of Masculinity summit — FREE event Apr. 21 & Apr. 28,2023Sponsor Spotlight: FITAIDClean Energy + Sports Recovery. Go to drinkfitaid.com/ONBOYS and get 40% off Sponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says.A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them."What Parents Need to Know About Male DepressionMale depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says.Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school.How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed"Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says.He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss:Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decadesWhat the Left and Right get wrong about boys & menWhy you may want to consider going organicMale depressionThe need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male developmentImportance of fathers and male mentoringAdvocating for boys at schoolHow tech affects boys' brainsBoys & violenceMale bonding"Toxic masculinity"Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Keeping boys safe is a top-of-mind concern for parents. For good reason. Injury is the leading cause of death for people ages 1-44 – especially for children.For kids ages 1-14 in the U.S., injuries cause more deaths than the next 10 leading causes of death combined.And guess what? At every age, males are more likely than females to die of injury – largely because they’re more likely to experience injury (& more likely to experience serious injury).Choosing Safety Doesn’t Mean Avoiding Risk“It’s fine to have fun. It’s fine to push the limits sometimes,” says David Schwebel, a psychologist & director of the Youth Safety Lab at the University of Alabama, as well as the author of Raising Kids Who Choose Safety. Taking risks is a necessary, healthy part of life, so we can help kids stay safe(r) by teaching them to assess and manage risk.“The only way children can grow is by trying new things,” David says. You can facilitate their growth and protect their safety by acting as a coach and spotter. When your young child is taking physical risks, stay close, so you can intervene if necessary.The TAMS Method for Child Accident ProtectionChildren, even very young ones, can learn safety, David says. He recommends the TAMS method:Teach: “We teach our children basic skills,” he says, such as “feet first” when going down stairs or getting off the couch. T also includes more complex skills such as crossing the street or safely riding a bike.Act: “This is the parents’ actions,” David says, and can be divided into 2 Ss: Supervise and Safeguard, which includes things like covering electrical outlets, securing furniture to the walls or floor, and locking up guns, alcohol, and opioid medication.Model: “We model safety for our kids,” David says. It’s pretty unrealistic to expect kids to wear seatbelts or bike helmet if you don’t. Similarly, if you text and drive, your teen is more likely to as well.Shape: “Shaping is literally like molding a piece of clay,” David says. “Our children are growing and we are shaping and influencing them.” Rules are a crucial part of safety: we use them to outline our expectations and boundaries. Consistent safety rules are important.“The goal is parenting is to teach our children, not to avoid risks, but how to do things safely,” David says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & David discuss:Why boys are especially prone to injuries and accidentsBalancing risk & safetyCreating a safer homeDiscussing your safety rules w childcare providers and other family membersThe effect of peers on boys’ safetyUsing media to discuss risk & safetyLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Raising Kids Who Choose Safety: The TAMS Method for Child Accident Protection — David’s bookUAB Youth Safety LabSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you or someone you know is having suicidal thoughts, you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for help in the United States. Call 988 or 800-273-TALK (8255). The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day, every day. Services are also available en espanol.Suicidal thoughts are common.In the U.S. alone, each year, more than 15 millions adults & teens struggle with serious thoughts of suicide. Knowing how to respond to suicidal thoughts is a crucial skill for all parents & educators. One of the best, most effective things you can do to reduce suicide risk to directly ask those you’re concerned about if they’re having suicidal thoughts. That, of course, is easier said than done. It’s scary to ask about suicide, and scary to admit thoughts of suicide. To make it easier, you can say something like, “A lot of people have suicidal thoughts sometimes. Do you ever have thoughts like that?”“We don’t want to normalize suicide, but we can normalize thinking about suicide,” says Stacey Freedenthal, a licensed psychotherapist and author of Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do. Some people say “no” when the answer is really yes. So it’s a good idea to follow up with, “If you were having thoughts of suicide in the future, do you think you’d tell me?” Listen calmly and bravely, and keep the conversation going if you can.“Be curious, not judgmental,” Freedenthal says.Why Calling 911 or Heading to ER May Not Be a Good IdeaIf someone is not in immediate, acute danger — think firearm in hand or pills ingested — don’t call 911 or head to the hospital. Instead, talk. And listen. Empathetic statements like, “that sounds so hard” are far more useful than comments such as, “What are you talking about? You have a great life!”Emergency help can actually be counterproductive. It may lead to long waits and little help. And the affected individual may become angry and less likely to trust you with suicidal thoughts in the future. So, if the situation is not acutely dangerous, call 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, instead. It’s available 24/7 and trained responders can answer your questions, help you establish a safety plan, and connect you with local resources.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Stacey discuss:How to know if someone has suicidal thoughtsStereotypes and misconceptions about suicideReasons teenagers don’t tell their parents about suicidal thoughtsBrave listeningWhat to do when your son says, “I’m going to kill myself” or “I want to die”SextortionWhen to call 911 — and when not toWhy you should lock up guns & medsSelf-careFostering hopeLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say & Do, by Stacey Freedenthal — every home & school needs a copy of this bookstaceyfreedenthal.com — Stacey’s personal pagespeakingofsuicide.com — Stacy’s web page, packed with tons of free resourcesWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide — ON BOYS episodeSuicide Rates are Rising — Here’s What Parents Can Do — Your Teen magazine article by JenSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: RightStart MathematicsRightStart Math Card Games kit makes math fun! Use coupon code OB23RSMPC at RightStartMath.com to get 10% offSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kids “haven’t changed at all” during the 20+ years Teacher Tom has been working with young children, he says.Parents have, though. And so has society. There’s an increased concern for safety and academic performance, and a lot of anxiety about kids’ futures. “I think there’s more fear, and more fear of their children falling behind,” Tom says.Adult stress and anxiety appears to be trickling down to even the youngest children, as today’s preschoolers are more anxious and stressed than previous generations. But kids’ needs remain the same.“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” Tom says.“Parenting” is Relatively NewBefore the early 1960s, the word “parenting” was rarely used, especially in scholarly articles, literature, or books. The word parent denoted a relationship between people; today, parent is often used a verb. “Parenting” is something we do to other people — and we can judge the quality of parenting, we think, by its outcome.But that’s not how relationships work. Our children are individual humans. We can’t control them; we can cultivate their growth by creating (and maintaining) nurturing environments for them.Nurturing Kids’ Mental HealthThe first five years of a child’s life “shouldn’t be about learning your phoncis. They shouldn’t be about how to do math. They should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-goverance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Tom discuss:Play-based learningCreating space & making time for kids’ learningHow adults unintentionally interfere with kids’ emotional developmentThe emotional arcExploring genderSocial learningLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teacher Tom — Tom’s blogTeacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking eventsTeacher Tom’s Facebook pageTeacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episodeThe Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher TomThe Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys postWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys postSapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher TomSponsor Spotlight: StokkeUse promo code RegisterWithStokke at checkout for a FREE highchair padSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parental accommodation can limit the skill development of kids with (and without) ADHD. Many boys with ADHD or other executive function challenges struggle despite diagnosis, treatment, and well-intended help — in part because they and their family have received less-than-stellar advice and support. And because loving families often unwittingly accommodate (and reinforce) undesirable behavior.“Most families of children with ADHD are unintentionally misled when they receive a diagnosis,” says Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude. “They’re not provided with comprehensive information about what ADHD is, and they’re also directed to treatments with are not recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics.”Parenting training is recommended as a first step for kids ages 6 and younger — and parent training should be delivered in conjunction with medication management and, if necessary, school support for kids older than age 6. Parent/child interactions are foundational to helping a child develop executive functioning skills.Parental Accommodation CycleUnfortunately, parents sometimes unintentionally reinforce the inflexibility and anxiety that’s common in kids with ADHD and executive function challenges.“Parental accommodation is when parents change their behavior to alleviate or avoid their child’s temporary distress,” Ryan says. It’s often done out of love — and fear. Doing so may avoid some conflict, but it allows unhelpful behaviors to continue.Although sparing your child pain and discomfort may seem like a kind, compassionate thing to do, you may be robbing your child of the opportunity to develop self-confidence and resilience. In fact, there’s a relationship between parental accommodation and “failure to launch,” which occurs when young people do not take on adult roles or increasing responsibility.But over-protection and accommodation have almost become societal norms.It’s difficult to push back against cultural pressure and parent differently than others. Many of us are also afraid of harming our kids.“There’s so much fear, from parents, that they’re going to somehow damage their child by putting expectations on them or requiring them to persevere through temporary discomfort,” Ryan says. “Children are not fragile. But when you treat them as if they are fragile, they receive the message that they are fragile.”Breaking the Parental Accommodation CycleYou can break this unhelpful cycle by asking yourself, What am I doing for my child that they could be doing alone? Your child might not yet have the skills to do the task independently, but when you identify what they could be doing, you can begin teaching them the necessary skills and gradually release responsibility.Don’t get sucked into the “negotiation vortex.” Don’t give an audience to negative behavior or maltreatment Reinforce (and praise) positive behaviors. And enlist supportive individuals who can help you and your child.Things may be rough when you first stop accommodating your child. But eventually, home life (and your relationship)will become more peaceful. Your child will also be more capable — and confident.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Ryan discuss:Common misunderstandings about ADHD and executive functionRecommended, evidence-based treatments for ADHDParental accommodationAccommodation vs. supportYoung adults’ “failure to launch”Scaffolding new skillsBreaking the parental accommodation cycleLearning to tolerate your child’s temporary discomfortEnlisting to support to develop your child’s skillsConstructive vs. destructive shameLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD workADHD Dude YouTube channelADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episodeTeaching Boys Social Skills –– our first ON BOYS episode w Ryan!It’s a Confusing Time to Be a Boy — another ON BOYS episode featuring RyanConstant Chaos Parenting with ADHD — ON BOYS episodeHelping Boys with Executive Function Challenges –– ON BOYS episodeNurtured Heart Institute — learn more about the Nurtured Heart approach mentioned by RyanSponsor Spotlight: StokkeSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Whole child sports emphasizes wholesome, safe, and developmentally appropriate athletic experiences for kids. It is the antithesis of the toxic, highly competitive youth sports culture that’s unfortunately become the norm here in the United States.Scott Lancaster, a sports performance coach who worked with the NFL; Luis Fernando Llosa, an investigative reporter who’s worked with Sports Illustrated; and Kim John Payne, founder of Simplicity Parenting, started Whole Child Sports in 2011 to offer parents and coaches guidance, tips, and tools to help raise and develop happier, healthier, more well-rounded athletes who will sustain a lifetime passion for active play and fitness. The three men — all fathers — were distressed by what they saw happening in youth sports: an increased focus on competition (even at young ages), developmentally inappropriate expectations for children, and young athletes who burned out before graduating high school.At their worst, youth sports can be fatal.A Healthy Approach to Youth SportsIn current youth sport culture, the emphasis is on winning, rather than the development of the athlete and team. That focus tends to overlook mental health and individual variations and is damaging to kids and society.“Command-oriented coaching” — the common approach to youth sports — “kills flexibility and self-development and retards creativity and the development of resilience,” Lancaster says. “Ultimately, one of the worst things you can do to a kid developmentally is force them to play a sport like an adult professional athlete does.”A much better, safer, healthier approach to sport is one that allows children to gradually develop skills through play. “Don’t funnel your kid into organized sport at an early age,” Llosa says. “It will curtail their creativity, damage their potential resilience, hamper them in developing social skills, and perhaps create entitlement monsters.”It’s not easy to push back against the dominant sports culture, but doing so can preserve your child’s physical and mental health — and, ultimately, his athletic ability. You can start at home, or at local park.“You are your child’s first coach,” Lancaster says. “You’re the steward of your child’s athletic development and you’re responsible for choosing the appropriate coach, one who is dedicated to helping kids grow and learn.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, Luis Fernando, & Scott discuss:Role of sports in boys’ livesHarms of current youth sports cultureChoosing the right sport for your childHow sports can help boys develop empathyWhat actions sports gets right (and team sports often get wrong)Value of multiple sports vs. sports specializationDevelopmentally appropriate sports educationLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:WholeChildSports.com – includes a Parent/Coach Toolkit with lots of great free resources (such as Choosing a Coach: A Parent’s Checklist)Beyond Winning: Smart Parenting in a Toxic Sports Environment, by Kim John Payne, Luis Fernando Llosa, & Scott LancasterSimplicity Parenting with Kim John Payne — ON BOYS episodeLinda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control — ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting — ON BOYS episodeSins of the Father — Sports Illustrated story by LlosaEmotionally Resilient Tweens & Teens: Empowering Your Kids to Navigate Bullying, Teasing, and Social Exclusion, by Kim John Payne & Luis Fernando LlosaSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Better HelpTherapy to help you live a more empowered life. Go to BetterHelp.com/onboys to save 10%Sponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy Makeup Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Lads need dads, says Sonia Shaljean, director of the UK-based organization Lads Need Dads, one of the only projects in the country working to proactively address the impact of the absent father on boys aged 11-15.Many boys with absent or uninvolved fathers, of course, turn out perfectly okay. But many don’t. Sonia pivoted to this work after noticing, through a long career in criminal justice, domestic abuse, anger management, and homelessness, that males who didn’t grow up with involved fathers (or father figures) are over-represented in each of those areas. Lads Need Dads was created to support young men (and their mothers) “who, through no fault of their own” are experiencing fatherlessness, she says.The success of their program proves that deliberately and intentionally meeting the needs of boys improves outcomes. Boys develop a sense of confidence and competence. Their relationships with their mothers (and others) improve. They contribute to the community.Emphasizing the Importance of Dads“Getting people to recognize that this is a need — that boys can be impacted very negatively without a positive father figure,” is a tough message to sell in a society that’s focused on women’s empowerment and glosses over the need for men, Sonia says. “The thinking is that, ‘we don’t need a man to provide for us anymore.”But dads’ value to their families — to society — goes far beyond economic provision. Boys need male influence in their lives, particularly during the adolescent years. Even if they have an involved, dedicated mom (or moms).Advocating for Boys & MenDespite the fact that boys & men tend to do significantly worse in schools and life than girls and women, there are few organizations focused on boys’ and men’s issues.“There’s an apathy when it comes to men’s issues,” Sonia says. That needs to change. “Boys need to be supported and seen as the vulnerable gender that they actually are because we are currently failing them badly. If we want our boys to treat other people better, they need to know that they’re valued. We need to treat them better. They need to feel cared for and loved for who they are, not just because they’re going to come into contact with girls and therefore they should be better behaved. Let’s help our young men for the sake of themselves – not just because of how they may impact females.”In this episode, Janet, & Sonia discuss:How fatherlessness affects boysHelps moms accept boys’ need to experience riskThe importance of male connection and mentorship for boysProtective factors that can help boys thrive despite father absenceThe Men & Boys CoalitionIncreasing boys’ emotional intelligenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:LadsNeedDads.orgTips for Single Moms Raising Boys — BuildingBoys postHere’s How to Motivate Teenage Boys: Encourage Risk-Taking — Your Teen article by JenMen & Boys CoalitionDads Matter (w Marion Hill) — ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teen boys mystify (and frustrate) their parents. Especially their moms.But there’s a lot going on behind and beneath that sometimes stony exterior. Teen boys are not devoid of emotions; in fact, they devote a lot of time and attention to managing and controlling their emotions. They may not show their emotions as freely as they did when they were younger, but, sadly, that’s often because they’ve learned their emotions aren’t welcome.According to Brendan Kwiatkowski, PhD, a researcher who studies boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, the #1 reason why teen boys restrict emotion (& emotional expression) is because “they don’t want to burden other people.”The #2 reason is “fear of judgment.”Why Teen Boys Retrict EmotionTeen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions,” Brendan says.Stress and trauma can also affect boys’ ability to process and express emotion.Teenage boys’ refusal (or inability) to express their emotions is usually “not selfish,” Brendan says, but rather, an “act of care.”Helping Boys Express EmotionA boy’s ability to express emotion is affected, in part, by his parents’ ability to tolerate his distress.If he knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration upsets your equilibrium, he’s more likely to stifle his emotion. If he knows that you’ll respond with calm compassion, he’s more likely to open up and honeslty share his feelings and experiences.Don’t fret, though, if you don’t always respond calmly or compassionately. According to Dr. Becky, clincical psychologist & founder of Good Inside, parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise great, well-adjusted children, especially if they apologize and make things right when they’ve gone off the rails.Getting Teen Boys to TalkAccording to Brendan’s research, teenage boys are most comfortable opening up to women — typically, their girlfriends or moms — because they believe that females are good listeners and less likely to judge them.Modeling authenticity and vulnerabilty also helps boys (and all humans) open up.“I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” Brendan says. “Being a boy or man is full of contradictions and tensions, and acknowledging those is such as important way to help the dialogue.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Brendan discuss:Teen boys’ emotionFactors that affect boys’ emotional expressionHelping boys open upEmotional safe havensNormalizing emotionsHelping boys understand angerHolding boys responsibleWhat teen boys think about Andrew TateTalking about controversial topicsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s websiteRe: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinityHold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by BrendanWhat You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Damon Brown is a journalist, author, entrepreneur, and primary caregiver for his two young sons, ages 6 and 9. But from his earliest days of parenting, people assumed he was simply “helping” his wife. “I’d put on the Baby Bjorn and walk to the grocery story and hear ‘Oh, is it Daddy day?’ or ‘Are you taking over for Mom while she’s resting?'” Damon says. “And there’s a whole ‘nother layer to to it being African-American.” (Including backhanded compliments about “sticking around” to raise his children.)Modeling Emotional HonestyDamon describes himself as an emotionally honest person; he’ll tell you when he’s overwhelmed, upset, or happy. As a dad, he now realizes that emotional honesty is “one of the biggest gifts that I’m giving my boys.” Simultaneously, he reminds us that we must learn to accept emotional honesty from males.How a Tech-Savvy Dad (who wrote for Playboy) Talks about Screen Time & SexDamon brings some advantages to parenting boys: Unlike many modern parents, he’s tech- and culture-savvy. In 2008, he wrote Porn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, a book that examined the impact of video games and porn on popular culture. He even co-founded an intimacy app, Cuddlr (way back in 2014!).Damon says he’s handling his sons’ exposure to technology “very carefully.” He knows, from personal experience, that simply setting borders and boundaries isn’t effective. “It’s not just a matter of saying, ‘don’t do this,'” Damon says. “It’s more, ‘If you’re going to tread in these territories, these are the mile makers and this is the compass.'”He talks to his boys about intimacy and boundaries — not only “this is what a boundary is” and “respect the boundaries of other people,” but also “respect the boundaries of yourself.” Boys too rarely hear that last part; they need to know that it’s okay to not want sexual or intimate contact (and that they have the right and responsibility to say no. Too often, people who are raising boys forget to emphasize that point.Helping Boys Understand IndependenceBoys (and men) today still feel a lot of pressure to be independent. At age 9, Damon’s oldest son has already unconsciously internalized the idea that guys should be self-reliant — so when he got stuck on his homework, he simply stopped doing it.Damon corrected his son’s mis-interpretation of indepence. “Independence,” he told the boy, “is getting the support you need to create the life that you want.”In the moment, the child was unimpressed. But Damon knows his son will eventually need to ask for help, so he’s talking about independence and help-seeking now. Raising boys is a long game.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Damon discuss:How our family experiences affect our parentingCultural & societal expectations of dadsEmotional honestyGenerational growthScreentime, technology, & intimacyTeaching boys about boundaries, consent, intimacy, & independenceLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:damonbrown.net — Damon’s websitePorn & Pong: How Grand Theft Auto, Tomb Raider, & Other Sexy Games Changed Our Culture, by Damon BrownDads Need Therapy; Black Dads Aren’t Getting It — Yahoo article by DamonWhy You Should Strive for Good Enough — one of Damon’s TED talks#BringYourWorth — Damon’s YouTube TV showSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you support sibling relationships and build brother-sister bonds? Or connect with a tween son?Photo by Beatnik Photos via FlickrThose are just a few of the questions Jen & Janet tackle in 2023’s first listener Q & A.Matthew says:We have 3 boys (15, 17, & 19) and 3 girls (2, 9, & 13)…our boys are incredibly close, practically best friends, and our girls are similar. What can we do to bring the groups closer together? We have tried divide and conquer (mixing who runs errands with us and such), game nights, movie nights, outings…The girls are always more receptive, but the boys act like they’ve been plague-ridden to have to tolerate their sisters for more than a mealtime…Cheslea asks:What suggestions do you have for common interests with your boys? It feels like we have almost nothing in common…Britney wonders:Is it normal for the teen boy to push moms away during this time and cling to dads? while another Britney and Susan ask: Why is he such a butt head? Why do they know everything at the age of 16?!Karon asks:What steps should I take to monitor my 13-year-old’s online gaming?..I’d love tips/advice on keeping his gaming time in check.Kate wants to know:How can a 7 yr old have so much anger and attitude?Our answers to their questions might give you some insight into your own parenting challenges.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss:Supporting sibling relationshipsBuilding brother-sister bondsHow time solves many parenting problemsConnecting w a tween son (whose interests differ from yours)Mother/son (and father/son) relationships during adolescenceSelf-care during your son’s teen yearsMonitoring online gamingBoys & angerTeen boysThe importance of connection, community, and mentors for parents of boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting, & More — ON BOYS episodeWhy You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Are Video Games So Important to Boys? — ON BOYS episodeVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeAnger & Boys — ON BOYS episodeThe Truth About Parenting Teen Boys — BuildingBoys’ most popular postMoms Need Mentors Too — BuildingBoys blog postWhy Boys Moms Need Mentors Too — ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Mommy MakeupClean beauty for busy women.Get a FREE color consultation – & then use promo code ONBOYS for 20% off your first order.Jen wearing Mommy MakeupSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Simplicity parenting, in many ways, is the antithesis of modern parenting. Simplicity parenting prioritizes a balanced schedule, predictable rhythm, and decluttered, information-filtered family environment, while most modern families rush from one activity to the next and live with crammed-full schedules in an information-soaked environment.Kim John Payne, author of Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, was an undergrad psychology student when he first noticed striking similarities in the behavior of PTSD-affected soldiers, teenagers who grew up in abusive homes, and children who lived in warzones. “They were nervous, jumpy, hyperactive, and overstretched,” Payne says. Their nervous systems were hyperactive and hyper-attuned to the environment.In a few years, Payne began noticing similar behavior in children all over and surmised that there must be an “undeclared war on childhood,” as the kids exhibited all the signs of living in a war zone. But there were no battle lines, fronts, or bomb craters. Instead, these kids (and their families) lived quite ordinary lives. However, by that time, “overwhelmed family life had become the new normal.” And that new normal was not at all kid-friendly.“It became more and more obvious that children, and especially boys, were living in a child-hostile environment,” he says. As a result, kids’ nervous systems were “out of whack” and many kids were (and are) in a near-constant state of fight-flight-freeze-or-flock. Kids (and boys especially) often reacted “as if their lives depended on it,” when they were asked to do something as simple as putting a coat on.Simplicity is the Antidote to OverwhelmThe antidote to constant overwhelm is simple, Payne says. It’s simplicity.He advises parents to “dial back” and simplify their lives, and the results have been remarkable.“I can’t tell you how many parents have said, ‘I feel like I’ve gotten my boy back.'” Payne says. Many parents also notice that their boys are back to their “quirky selves.”It’s not easy, however, to push back against the status quo. “The difficulty comes when we look around our neighborhoods,” Payne says. “There are so many parents that have normalized what is not normal for a child’s nervous system.” But deliberately simplifying your lives — cutting out extraneous extracurricular activities, limiting screen time and info exposure, and prioritizing play, family, and connections, can pay dividends.“If we’ve built in time and balance in a boy’s life, and slowly built in time in nature, time with family, time with friends, that morphs into a strong inner loci” for the boy, Payne says. “As young men, they are much stronger and defined in who they are.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kim discuss:The genesis of the simplicity parenting movementWhy simplifying family life can improve boys’ behaviorThe link between “quirks,” disordered behaviors, and giftsHow (& why) dialing back stress helps reveal boys’ giftsBalancing you family’s scheduleWhy delayed gratification and anticipation are good for kidsIncreasing boys’ connection to natureThe importance of playHelping kids connect to “their own true north”How simplifying family life will prepare your son for jobs of the futureBenefits of simplicity parenting for parentsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:SimplicityParenting.com — Kim’s website (includes links to the Simplicity Starter Kit, his podcast, and more)Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and More Secure Kids, by Kim John PayneVideo Game Addiction — ON BOYS episodeRichard Louv on Animals, Nature, and Boys — ON BOYS episodeFinding Ecohappiness –ON BOYS episodeSponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We want to build boys -- AND a just world. It's easy to be overwhelmed by seemingly insurmountable challenges, and tempting to not take action on big societal issues like inequity because, well, what can we do anyway? But while it's true that none of us can individually create the systemic changes that are needed to address thorny social issue, our individual parenting choices have power. Sarah W. Jaffe was working as an attorney for children in foster care in New York City when she became pregnant with her first child, and she was struck by the tremendous gulf between the experiences of the kids she served and the concerns of parents in her personal peer group. She thought, "Something is really wrong here with the level of anxiety that parents in my peer group are feeling versus the overall societal lack of concern about foster kids," says Jaffe, author of Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World.  The truth is that the decisions we make for our kids affect other kids and families too. Take education, for instance: Parents with the economic means to do so often enroll their kids in private schools or "good" public schools with active PTAs that help provide funding for things like playground equipment, arts programs, and teachers. Their kids get a pretty decent education, but children at other schools may not get an equal or commensurate education. Moving Past Fear to Build a Just World "We are encouraged, as parent consumers, [to think that] there's never enough," Jaffe says. More education and experiences, our culture tells us, is always better. Marketers, Jaffe says, "prey on fear" and parents' innate desire to help their children. So affluents parents often invest a lot of time, energy, and resources into programs and services that may give their children a slight boost, while children a few blocks away lack the basics. That's not good for anyone's kids, in the long run. Jaffe suggest parents consider their values when making parenting decisions. When choosing childcare, for instance (if you have a choice!), consider things like the pay and working conditions of childcare workers. If you have the money to spend, it may be better spent at a center that pay its workers fairly than at a prestigious preschool. Jaffe also recommends that affluent and white parents look past their preconceived notions about which schools will or won't work for their children. In our culture, well-off parents are "encouraged to see ourselves as consumers of schools that need to cater to our demands, rather than investors in a crucial systems," she says. It might be best to invest your resources into the public school system. The fear of our children "falling behind" is pervasive, but it doesn't have to drive your parenting decisions. "Being in community with people, feeling invested in creating systems that work for everyone, is a really powerful antidote to that fear," Jaffe says. "Try to step away from the fear and into a sense of community." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sarah discuss: Why we need to care about ALL kids How parents contribute to educational inequity Increasing educational equity Learning to identify "enough" Childcare inequities Questions to ask when choosing childcare How parents can advocate for their sons' needs while still working for a just world Supporting public education Equitable school funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wanting What's Best: Parenting, Privilege, and Building a Just World -- Sarah's book sarahwjaffe.com -- Sarah's website (includes the link to her Parenting Values Journal) Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 15:50) National Domestic Workers Alliance -- includes links & ideas for how you can make your home a good workplace for a nanny, house cleaner or caregiver, as well as advocacy tips Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting inevitably includes health challenges. Kids get sick. Parents get sick. And injuries and accidents happen more often than we'd like. Learning how to manage a medical diagnosis -- and navigate the health system -- is a crucial parenting skill. "Boy mom" and COVID, cancer and heart failure survivor Jen Singer has more medical system experience than most parents. She was diagnosed with lymphoma when her boys were eight and ten years old. "I learned, by doing, how to advocate for myself," says Singer. When her local hospital refused to perform a PET scan that she knew was crucial to the proper diagnosis and treatment of her illness, she signed herself out of that hospital AMA (against medical advice) and sought care in NYC instead. That PET scan was key to her treatment and eventual recovery. (The Right) Information is Empowering Singer, a medical writer who parlayed her experience into a series of books, the Just Diagnosed Guides, says that parents (and others) should not rely on search engines for medical information. When you receive a diagnosis, "Don't Google it," she says, because the results "are unfiltered." The info you find may be incorrect or out-of-date. In case of a serious diagnosis, do not believe the statistics you find online. General survival statistics, she says, "always include the oldest and sickest people" and may not reflect your  experience. Getting Necessary Care Unfortunately, patients and families often have to push to get the care they need (and deserve). Don't assume that "your" doctor (or the first doctor you see) knows best. If a doctor or healthcare professional doesn't listen to you, adequately answer your questions, or take your concerns seriously, you should probably seek another medical opinion. "If you feel like you're not being heard, get a second opinion," Singer says. That's not always easy -- particularly for patients in rural areas and those with restrictive health insurance policies or no health insurance -- but when faced with a serious diagnosis, it's worth the effort to explore all options. In some cases, you may be able to access specialists in other parts of the country via telehealth. Helping Kids Cope with Illness "I used to think I ruined their childhoods by having cancer," Singer says, "because all of their innocence was taken away at one time." Yet she realizes that her sons learned a lot about independence and caring for others through their shared family experience. Still, when she was diagnosed with heart failure in 2020, she "immediately set up support" for her sons, even though they are now young adults, because she knew another serious illness "was going to be a major flashback for them." She looped in caring family and friends and asked them to text and check in on them. Parents (and others) need to allow boys to experience and express their feelings, both physical and emotional. "We do our boys and our men a tremendous disservice by expecting them not to feel their feelings," Singer says, "and it causes them problems, health-wise and in communication" with others in their lives. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jen discuss: Getting a diagnosis Finding reliable medical information When (and how) to switch doctors or seek a second opinion Helping kids cope w a parent illness Determining what information to share (and not share) with others Supporting people who are sick Asking for (and accepting) help Teaching boys to manage health & medical issues Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Just Diagnosed Guides -- includes links to buy Jen's books How to Be Sick and How to Support Someone Who's Sick You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Doing more for boys and men does not require an abandonment of the ideal of gender equality. In fact, it is a natural extension of that. -- Richard V. Reeves Those words are from a new book Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male is Struggling, Why it Matters, and What to Do About It, by Richard V. Reeves, a fellow at the Brookings Institute, a public policy think tank based in D.C., and a father of three grown sons. Boys and men (as a group) now fare worse than girls and women (as a group) in school and in the workplace. (In fact, the gender gap in college education is now wider than it was in the 1970s - but flipped, with far fewer males than females attending or graduating from college.) Males are also generally less healthy and die sooner than females. Yet these gender gaps aren't often discussed and, to date, there's been little action to address these concerning statistics. "The gender inequality that Title IX was intended to tackle [in education] is now larger but completely flipped," Reeves says. Also, many American men now earn less than many American women. White women, in fact, now out earn Black men. Obviously, progress still needs to be made in terms of women's rights. But we can't continue to focus on girls and women and ignore the needs of boys and men. We must also address the issues affecting males. That's how we work toward gender equality. Redshirt the Boys? Given the fact that males typically develop more slowly than similarly-aged females, Reeves proposes redshirting boys, or having boys start kindergarten a year later than their female peers. "The main reason girls are doing better in school than boys is because they mature much earlier than boys," he says. At age 15, in fact, the average boy is developmentally two years behind the average 15-year-old girl. The current educational system is better aligned with girls' development. "The structural advantage in the educational system that treats 15- and 16-year old boys and girls as if they were the same is becoming apparent," Reeves says. "We couldn't see it before because sexism was holding girls down. Now that we've taken those barriers off, you're seeing girls flying." Starting boys in formal education one year later would "level the playing field," Reeve believes, particularly because a policy or proposal to start all boys a year later would extend the benefit of extra time to lower-income boys. (At present, many high income families do redshirt their sons. Private schools often recommend redshirting boys.) Like so many parents of boys, Reeves assumed his sons were being deliberately lazy during their teen years. He's since realized that, "This is neuroscience. These brain synapses need time to develop." Encouraging Boys to Pursue HEAL Jobs HEAL jobs -- those in the health, education, administration, and literacy/communication fields -- are in great demand. Yet despite the fact that males are under-represented in these fields -- and health and education, for instance, are facing critical staff shortages -- there's not yet been a concerted effort to encourage boys and young men to pursue these careers. That's a mistake, Reeves says. "We're trying to solve labor shortages in healthcare and education with half the workforce," he says. "I think we owe it to ourselves, and to our kids, to make a huge investment in helping get men into those growing jobs of the future." Continuing the ignore the struggles of boys and men is not a productive path forward. "A lot of boys and men are really struggling. That's because of structural changes that are happening around them; it's not because there's something wrong with them," Reeves says. "As a responsible society, we should address those challenges because if we don't, they're fester. If we don't address them, it won't end well. We need now to apply the spirit of liberation to boys and men too." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Richard discuss: Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Independence is good for kids.  Helicopter parenting is bad for kids. But figuring out when to step in or step back...well, that's a challenge! When another boy punched her 11 year old son in the face during hockey practice, writer and "boy mom" Caren Chesler acted immediately. "I had one leg over the half-wall and was stepping onto the players’ bench when the coach looked up and our eyes met," Caren wrote in a Washington Post article. " Mine were still saying, 'Are you kidding me?!' while his were saying, 'Lady, I got this.'” Caren backed away and let the coach handle the situation. After practice, her son told her that he and the other boy worked things out. Like so many parents, Caren feels compelled to act "when I see my son in harm's way, whether it's socially or physically," she says. She know there's value in giving her son space and time to navigate challenges, but it's not easy to sit on the sidelines. Yet as our boys grow, they want (and need!) opportunities to manage conflict and challenges. Managing Parental Anxiety Often, parent involvement is driven by parental anxiety. Caren has realized that her tendency to involve herself in her son's social issues is stems from "my own personal feelings, memories, scars, and traumas," she says. "I can tell there's something wrong because when something happens to my son, I feel like it's happening to me," Caren says. That recognition spurred her to work on separating her issues from her son's. Managing our anxiety -- and our desire to step in -- is a constant process. As we recognize and address personal traumas and tendencies, our kids grow and change as well. We must adapt our parenting to the new moment. Rather than rigidly adhering to a set of rules or guidelines, it's best to ground our actions in honesty and integrity. Admit your mistakes to yourself (and your son). Adjust your rules. Experiment, and then readjust again, as necessary. And as many times as necessary. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Caren discuss: "Mom instincts" that compel us to act Dealing with our "stuff" so we can give our boys the chance to deal with their stuff Male vs. female friendships Making yourself available vs. directly intervening Giving kids space on social media Managing video games Adjusting your parenting positions Setting limits Discussing mistakes Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I'm Too Involved as a Parent. For My Son's Sake, I'm Trying to Change. -- Washington Post article by Caren Probing the Complex Influence of Video Games on Young Minds -- Discover article by Caren The Model of a Mother and Son Project -- Next Avenue article by Caren Encouraging Independence -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS podcast BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Middle school boys may seem messy and mysterious, but they're also entertaining, challenging, and inspiring, says Braden Bell. The middle school years are "a wonderful, magical moment," says Bell, an experienced educator, father, and grandfather. "It's important to keep in mind that we are not raising 6th graders, we are not raising 7th graders -- we are raising future adults who currently happen to be in 6th or 7th grade." Keeping that long view in perspective is helpful because if we stop the metaphorical film at any moment, we're likely to feel stress because a lot of change happens during the tween and teenage years. But "if we realize that's a natural part of becoming an adult, that gives us a little more space and freedom to model grace and resilience ourselves," Bell says. A parent's role is to provide love, encouragement, guidance, and empathy. "Our job is not to solve their problems," Bell says. "We don't want our children to face their first problems alone when they're 25 or 30." Giving middle school boys agency to tackle their problems allows them to develop the skills and stamina they'll need to problem-solve as adults. And the beauty of tweendom and adolescence is that boys don't know what they can't yet do! During their tween and teenage years, they're more apt to set and attempt to achieve audacious goals than at most other parts of life. "I think that if we start with the assumption that our child can probably do far more than we think they can, that is almost always going to be true," Bell says. However much you think your child can do, he almost certainly can do more. But, he cautions, it has to be on your son's time. You can't push him, force him, or incentivize him. Bell's (borrowed from a 14-year-old) advice, to both middle school boys & their parents: Choose the kindest possible response in every situation. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Braden discuss: Why middle school boys need struggle Backing off so boys can tackle their problems & set & strive for goals How autonomy builds competence, confidence, and self-respect Boys & tech Collaborative rule-setting Nurturing boys' strengths - while giving them time & space to mature Respecting boys' development Helping boys cope with school Dealing w your sons' teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens — Braden’s newsletter (Don't miss "My Parents Refused to Intervene. It Remains One of Their Most Enduring, Precious Gifts to Me.") Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Braden Managing Screen Time -- ON BOYS episode featuring Devorah Heitner (mentioned at 16:32) Middle School Matters with Phyllis Fagell -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When Michael Gurian published The Wonder of Boys in 1996, there "wasn't any national consciousness about boys' issues," he says. A quarter century later, there are dozens of books about boys, and parents, educators, and politicians alike are realizing that we must address boys' issues if we are to address the current epidemic of violence. Yet despite this progress, "we are still talking about ancillary concepts as to why these boys kill people rather than getting to the root causes of what's going on," Gurian says. We also "still don't systemically understand boys or how to raise them." What Parents Need to Know About Male Depression Male depression, for instance, is often unrecognized (and untreated) because it is covert. A boy who immerses himself in video games, does just enough school work to get by, or uses drugs or alcohol may actually be depressed. As many as 10-20% of males may be experiencing unrecognized depression, and these males are having an outsized impact on our culture and lives, Gurian says. Parents, healthcare providers, and counselors need to learn about male development -- and they need to learn how to recognize and respond to the signs of male depression, which may include anger, irritability, withdrawal, and substance use. Parents and educators must also partner together to figure out how to help boys succeed in school. How Parents Can Partner with Schools to Help Boys Succeed "Parents and schools need to get really well connected around a specific question: How do we make sure the boys can succeed as well as the girls?" Gurian says. He suggests parents of boys connect with other parents of boys (from at least 3 other families) to create teams to share info, gather data, and approach school administration, expressing their concern and willingness to help address gender disparities in academics and discipline referrals. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Progress we've made -- and not made -- regarding boys' issues over the last 2+ decades What the Left and Right get wrong about boys & men Why you may want to consider going organic Male depression The need to train healthcare providers & counselors in male development Importance of fathers and male mentoring Advocating for boys at school How tech affects boys' brains Boys & violence Male bonding "Toxic masculinity" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Gurian Institute -- online home for all things Gurian (includes links to his books, classes, & upcoming events) What We Must Do to Stop the Killing -- blog post by Michael Gurian Helping Boys Thrive virtual summit, sponsored by The Boys Initiative and Gurian Institute -- online event happening October 8, 2022 (register HERE) The Wonder of Boys: What Parents, Educators, and Mentors Can Do to Help Boys Become Exceptional Men, by Michael Gurian The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian and Kathy Stevens Saving Our Sons: A New Path for Raising Healthy & Resilient Boys, by Michael Gurian Anxiety and Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episode Kellen CARES Foundation -- non-profit that helps young men & their families navigate mental health issues My Family Tested 20 Kid-Safe Phones & Devices -- and These Were the Best -- article mentioned at 23:10 BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys to challenge rape culture is one way we can decrease sexual violence, says Gordon Braxton, an anti-violence educator and activist who formerly served as the Director of Men’s Outreach on Sexual Violence Prevention at Harvard University. Currently, most of us "spend little to no time empowering boys to raise their voices against sexual violence,” says Braxton, author of Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture. “That leaves them in the hands of a world that minimizes it & normalizes it.” Parents typically teach girls how to recognize danger signs and avoid potential violence. But parents don't always prepare their boys to recognize or respond to violence, particularly sexual violence. We don't help boys answer the question, "What should I be doing in a violent world?" Braxton says. Contrary to what we may think, boys welcome these converations, Braxton says. They want time and space to unpack their thoughts and observations regarding sex, violence, pornography, masculininty, and so much more. Boys also need education and support. They need to learn how to respond if a friend, acquaintance, or stranger discloses abuse or sexual violence to them. Often, boys' intial reaction is to "adjudicate or jump in," Braxton says, but that's rarely the right response. Instead, he tells boys that "if you are approached as a friend, respond as a friend." They can listen and support -- and we can encourage them to process their thoughts and feelings with a trusted adult. Black boys need support to wrestle with centuries of unfair policing and persistent racial stereotypes that have long (unfairly) painted Black males as dangerous predators. Braxton invites young men "to consider that there is more than one response to historical injustice. We can choose to push back against those myths and stereotypes through our everyday actions." We can also help boys understand that "these fights [against racism and violence] are not mutually exclusive." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gordon discuss: Differences in how we talk to boys & girls about violence What anti-violence is Helping boys recognize how they contribute to a culture where violence is normalized The power of peer education to confront sexual violence Breaking past boys' cliched responses Preparing boys to deal with the complications of stepping outside the man box Why you must teach boys how to respond to disclosures of sexual trauma or violence Helping boys recognize (& embrace!) their role as change agents Inviting boys to consider nuance in conversations about racism and violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Empowering Black Boys to Challenge Rape Culture, by Gordon Braxton StandUpWithBoys.com -- Gordon's website List of state Coaltions against Domestic Violence A Call to Men — organization mentioned at 37:48 Helping Boys Grown Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- ON BOYS episode featuring the Chief Development Officer of A Call to Men RAINN -- the United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization (lots of helpful free info!) BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Deborah Farmer Kris is a child development expert, author, and former educator -- and she still finds raising kids a challenge! "None of us are slot machines," she says. "It's not like you put in this language and out pops a child who says 'yes, mother.'" Parenting, Kris says, is humbling, partly because "there's not one method that works for every child." Every child is different. So is every parent. And yet, helping our children develop their emotional literacy skills is one thing we can do to help them thrive. You can begin by taking a moment to calm yourself when you son's behavior is out of line or upsetting. Then, get curious. Often, another need lurks beneath. When you and your son are calm, try saying something like, "I noticed..." State your observation; allow some space and time for your son to respond. "'I notice' takes the judgement out of it," Kris says. And even if your son chooses not to respond in the moment, your words convey that you see and care about him. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Deborah discuss: Why striving for perfection parenting is wasted effort -- and what you should strive for instead The link between emotional literacy & boys' behavior Letting boys tell their story (vs. making assumptions about their behavior) Tailoring your communication to your boy's temperament (whether he's an introvert or extrovert) The value of the village Communicating with teachers Helping kids understand unconditional love The power of awe and wonder Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: parenthood365 -- Deborah's website I Love You All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Have Feelings All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Are Growing All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris You Wonder All the Time, by Deborah Farmer Kris Permission to Feel: Unlocking the Power of Emotions to Help Our Kids, Ourselves, and Our Society Thrive, by Dr. Marc Brackett (book mentioned at 13:11) Awe Might Be Our Most Undervalued Emotion. Here's How to Help Children Find It. -- Washington Post article by Kris (mentioned at 31:33) Finding Ecohappiness -- ON BOYS episode Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode BACK TO SCHOOL is happening around the globe and that carries it’s own set of challenges. Join Amy McCready for the BACK TO SCHOOL SurTHRIVAL training.  End homework hassles, put the responsibility where it belongs (your kiddo…) and more.  Go to:  https://boysalive.com/school for program details. (this is an affiliate link) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Positive parenting is more pleasant - and more effective than control-oriented parenting styles, says Amy McCready.Amy is a recovering yeller, mom of two grown sons, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, and the author of The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World and If I Have to Tell You One More Time...:The Revolutionary Program that Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding, or Yelling."Nobody wants to yell at their kids," Amy says, "but we kind of fall into this trap where we ask nicely, then repeat ourselves, then remind gently, and that goes on -- repeat, remind, repeat, remind -- until we blow and they finally spring to action."So we think yelling works, but in reality, we're training our kids to become "parent deaf," because they they know they can safely ignore most of what we say. A vicious cycle ensues.Amy was two kids into parenting before began looking for another way. She learned that meeting kids' two basic emotional needs -- belonging and significance-- can go a long way. "All humans have a need for autonomy, agency, and independence," Amy says. And sometimes, well-meaning parents do things for their children that the kids could do (and would like to do) independently, with a bit of training. Doing so robs kids of opportunities to be independent. In contrast, "when kids have a sense of age-appropriate independence, agency, and control, they are less likely to fight you for power," Amy says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Why parents yell -- & why it's not effective How "being in the moment" can help you effectively manage your child's behavior (and your frustration!) Kids' 2 basic emotional needs Age-appropriate control How to empower (vs. enable) your children Chores vs. "contributions" The problem with rewards and stickers -- and why you should use "when/then" routines instead Collaborative problem-solving How your responses (and mental health) affect your child's behaviorOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sexual abuse affects boys and men too. 1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don’t disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). They suffer in silence. Court Stroud was one of those boys. He was 6 years old the first time he was sexually assaulted. He was in third-grade the next time he was assaulted. More assaults occurred in his teenage and young adult years. And yet, he told no one. "This is a story I wasn't comfortable talking about, even with those closest to me, until about four years ago," Court says. He did1 in 6 boys will be a victim of sexual abuse before the age of 18. But, in part due to lingering shame and stigmas, many victims don’t disclose the abuse until years later (if at all). n't tell his mother (and other close relatives) about the abuse until his Newsweek essay, "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice," won a prestigious journalism award in the Spring of 2022. He learned then "that the terror they were going to reject me" was all in his head. Sharing his story, he hopes, will help others. "We're only as sick as our secrets," Court says. "The more transparently that I'm able to live, the healthier I'm able to be. The silence was worse than the incident." Need help or support? Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Court discuss: How sexual abuse harms boys The link between sexual assault and shame -- and how shame keeps people quiet The last-lasting effects of childhood sexual abuse Fight, flight, or freeze stress response "Healthy adults don't ever ask children to keep secrets" Why talking about tough things is so important When to seek mental health assistance Using TV shows & news stories to educate boys about sexual violence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: courtstroud.com -- Court's website (includes link to his podcast, Revolucion!) "After 50 Years of Sexual Assault Shame, I'm Finally Reclaiming My Voice" -- Court's ASJA award-winning essay The Grizzly in the Purple Pants -- Court's NYT article Stop Sexual Abuse with These 6 Steps -- BuildingBoys post Pay Attention to Stop Sexual Abuse -- BuildingBoys post Sexual Abuse & Penn State -- classic BuildingBoys post National Sexual Assault Hotline  1-800-656-4673 RAINN -- United States' largest anti-sexual violence organization Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You might not even realize you have a boy with executive function challenges. Instead, you (or others) might think he's "disorganized," "lazy," "resistant," or "unmotivated." Seth Perler was one of those boys. Now, he's an executive function coach who helps other kids develop the skills they need to thrive. Seth is also the founder of The Online Executive Function Summit (TEFOS). TEFOS 2022 is August 5-7 -- and it's FREE! You can use this link to take advantage of the TEFOS 2022 Early Bird Special, which will give you lifetime access to each of the expert-led sources. This year's TEFOS includes sessions led by previous ON BOYS' guests Tosha Schore, ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt, and Debbie Reber, as well as dozens of other mental health professionals, authors, and neuroscience specialists. Of course, an August summit won't help you today, so we're re-running a previous conversation with Seth Perler, who reminds us that “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher How to deal with resistance Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth’s website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Focus Online Summit (TEFOS 22) -- FREE summit organized by Seth Register for FREE here  Get LIFETIME ACCESS + transcripts + bonus materials with the Early Bird Special (available thru Aug. 4, 2022)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Stress and trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. Counseling, chiropractic care, socio-emotional learning, and other child-focused interventions may help, but only to a certain degree. For real, lasting, sustainable change to occur, adults must manage their own stress. "There's nothing good that's going to come of taking our children to others for help until we have looked at ourselves," says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist based in Texas. The first step to helping our boys thrive, she says, is becoming stress-aware. Chronic, on-going stress can turn into toxic stress and trauma. And trauma can inhibit our ability (and our kids' ability) to become their best selves. Trauma can make it difficult for boys to thrive. "Trauma is not an event," Dr. Sandy clarifies, but an emotional response to a distressing experience. It can be cumulative as well. People who have experience a second or third trauma before they've had the opportunity to heal or recover from the first trauma may struggle more than those who've had time to heal. Trauma doesn't simply "go away" once when a stressor is removed. It can get "stalled" in the body, Dr. Sandy says, and negatively affect our physical and mental functioning. Healing trauma It's possible to heal from trauma. "There are remarkable and simple tools you can use to 'tease' that trauma out" of your nervous system, Dr. Sandy says. Parents can help boys thrive by first healing their own trauma. "As we being to heal, children pick up a different energy from us and they spontaneously heal with us," she says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Sandy discuss: The effect of stress on the body and brain Toxic stress & trauma Early developmental trauma How trauma affects parenting Symptoms of parental trauma Tools to heal trauma and emotional dysregulation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drsandygluckman.com — Dr. Sandy’s website Heal Your Trauma -- Dr. Sandy's program (mentioned at 23:48) www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman — Dr. Sandy’s YouTube channel Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode Helping Boys Become More Resilient w Dr. Sandy Gluckman -- ON BOYS episode Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode Honoring Dads on Father's Day (& Always) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 31:48 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Hank, the 90 lb. dogOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kate Mangino is right: “The last thing any working parent needs is to add ‘solve gender inequality’ to their to-do list.”  But if we don't think about gender inequality in the home, we might end up unintentionally perpetuating it. After all, for most of our lives, females have been assumed to be the primary and "natural" caretakers of home and family, while males have been primarily expected to earn a living. Those roles are shifting, of course, but facts are facts: women still bear the brunt of household chores and do most caretaking.  Creating gender equality "We're talking about a social system that we're all born into," says Kate, a gender expert, mom of two, and author of Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home. "The way we raise boys and the toys that we give them and the values that we instill in them lead them to value income generation more than anything else. "We have to recognize these 'tracks' we're putting our kids on and break that cycle." Men who are equal partners in their homes and families are generally very satisfied with their lives. "I feel good about myself," they told Kate. "and have a great relationship with my spouse. I have a great relationship with my kids." When we don't teach boys the skills they need to be equal partners at home, we are unnecessarily limiting them.  Teaching boys to notice what needs to be done "Noticing time" is a strategy Kate uses to teach her son and daughter the cognitive skills required to effectively manage a home. "When I give my kids a chore list, they're not going cognitive labor; I'm training my kids to be helpers," she says. "Noticing time" is intended to help kids anticipate and plan for necessary tasks. Instead of telling her kids what to do, she instead sets a timer and asks them to figure out what needs to be done. "The first time I tried this, it was a joke," she admits. The family living room was a lived-in mess, complete with empty food containers and scattered silverware. But both kids thought the room looked fine. Over time, though, their ability to notice and act improved. "They started to see what gets messy quickly," Kate says. "They realized that the sink in their bathroom is often gross, so that's a good starting point for them. Now, they know what to do and the house looks better. I'm getting both of them to the point where they're capable of doing the cognitive labor" it takes to run a home and family. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Kate discuss: Ebbs and flows of gender equality at home Traditional "male" and "female" roles in the home How parenting practices affect gender equality Talking about household responsibilities Valuing caregiving How gender equality in the home benefits boys & men The "men's glass ceiling" Maternal gatekeeping "Noticing time" Establishing family standards Giving boys opportunities to contribute Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home, by Kate Mangino The Equal Partner Quiz -- mentioned at 22:35 Mom's Hierarchy of Needs -- mentioned at 19:01 Single Parenting with Wealthy Single Mommy Emma Johnson -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde's Resilience School Online, 8-week program that includes video lessons, a downloadable workbook, and ongoing membership to The Courage Circle, a private Facebook community where families can receive support and celebrate successes.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Highly sensitive people -- boys & parents alike -- are prone to overwhelm.  They're also likely to be misunderstood (and, perhaps, misdirected) by parents, teachers, coaches, and others. "I was told my entire life, 'You're too damn sensitive,'" says Alane Freund, a licensed psychotherapist, highly sensitive person (HSP), & parent a of highly sensitive son. Alane describes 4 characteristics of highly sensitive people, which can be remembered using the acronym "DOES": Deep processing Over-arousal Strong emotional reactions Sensitivity to subtle stimuli In simple terms, a highly sensitive individual has a "more reactive" brain, Alane says, and a "finely tuned nervous system." (Fun fact: 15-20% of the members of all species may be highly sensitive. There are even highly sensitive fruit flies and sun fish!) HSPs benefit from structure and routines in daily life. Be realistic about time, and include your child in planning. You can also teach (and role model) relaxation strategies to help highly sensitive children (and adults!) reset. These strategies can help any child thrive. Unfortunately, highly sensitive boys are sometimes misdiagnosed. Because they tend to withdraw from overstimulation, they may be classified as avoidant or autistic, and highly active HSP boys are often diagnosed with ADHD. Society has yet to "make space" for the 50% of boys and men who are more sensitive and more thoughtful than the norm, Alane says. We can make progress on that front by seeing, recognizing, and appreciating highly sensitive boys. "One of the most important things we can do for children to build resiliency is to give them adults who see them -- who truly see them and are not their parents," Alane says. Parents, of course, are important, but kids need the support, appreciation, and encouragement of coaches, teachers, and others as well. With this support, highly sensitive boys can become "amazing partners, amazing leaders, and world changers," Alane says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Alane discuss: Characteristics of highly sensitive people Differences between sensory processing disorder & high sensitivity Scheduling/time management for HSPs How to prevent over-arousal Managing overwhelm Highly sensitive boys in school Why the world needs HSPs Helping HSP boys navigate masculinity and gender expectations Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: alanefreund.com -- Alane's website Alane Freund's YouTube channel The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 5:08) The Highly Sensitive Parent: Be Brilliant in Your Role, Even When the World Overwhelms You, by Elaine N. Aron (book mentioned at 19:41) Sensitive: The Untold Story -- documentary mentioned at 35:55 (available on Amazon Prime) The Strong, Sensitive Boy: Help Your Son Become a Happy, Confident Man, by Ted Zeff (book mentioned at 38:42) Brain Power Wellness - YouTube channel mentioned at 23:21 Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen -- ON BOYS episode Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias, & Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Puberty happens to every body - and boys need to know how puberty affects bodies and brains. You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes, addresses puberty in a holistic, inclusive manner. That's important because "all kids need this information," Dr. Hutchison says. "All kids need to know what all kids go through. It makes them more supportive and empathetic of each other." Boys need to understand female puberty, and all kids today need to learn about the challenges and experiences of gender non-conforming and non-binary children. Boys typically begin puberty somewhere between ages 9 to 14, but their need for accurate information starts well before that. "The earlier you talk about it, the more receptive and excited they are about these changes," Dr. Hutchison says. And boys, she says, are actually eager to learn more about how female and gender non-conforming bodies work. "Kids who know what's ahead have more confidence and less anxiety," Dr. Hutchison says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Dr. Hutchison discuss: When boys start puberty Why it's so hard to talk about puberty Sexual abuse prevention Seizing teachable moments How to get comfortable talking about puberty & sex Talking about gender identity w kids Social aspects of puberty Satisfying sexual curiosity Talking to boys about masturbation & pornography Supporting gender diverse kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: You-ology: A Puberty Guide for EVERY Body, by Dr. Trish Hutchison, Dr. Kathryn Lowe, & Dr. Melissa Homes Guyology -- online male puberty program Girlology -- online female puberty program Just the Facts: A Guy's Guide to Growing Up (Girology/Guyology), by Dr. Trish Hutchison & Dr. Melissa Homes Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS podcast 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS podcast Turning Red -- Disney/Pixar movie mentioned at 29:52 Period Education Project -- nonprofit mentioned at 36:41 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Boy mom" Claire Zulkey is the only female in her family. (Yes, the family dogs are male too.) She's also a self-described "evil witch" & creator of Evil Witches newsletter, a fantastic community and newsletter for people who happen to be mothers and know that you can love and loathe your kids at the same time. Claire's son are now 7 and nearly 10, and she's learned to let them handle their own disagreements, for the most part. (After teaching them ways to compromise and manage conflict) "I let them be mad at each other," she says. "I let them work it out, and they do work it out." That's not to say life is always pleasant and peaceful at Claire's home. "It has been a wild year. A wild couple of years," she admits. There were lots of calls and emails from her son's school regarding his behavior. "I had a really hard time not taking it personally," Claire says. She worried that the school (& others) would think she was condoning her son's behavior -- or worse: teaching him that he could do whatever he wanted at school. Connecting with other moms (especially other "boy moms") helped her cope. "You have to find your friends," Claire says. "Your friends; not your kids' friends. Someone who takes parenting really seriously but can laugh about it." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Claire discuss: Living with a kid with ADHD Sibling relationships Real life with boys Managing know-it-all boys & mansplaining Dealing with misbehavior at school The value of connecting with other boy moms Shifting our parenting as our boys move into middle school & puberty Younger boys learning from older boys Negative self talk Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Evil Witches newsletter - newsletter for people who happen to be mothers, by Claire Zulkey Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode The First Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years -- Jen's book (mentioned at 24:40) Growing Up Great: The Ultimate Puberty Book for Boys -- book mentioned by Claire (at 29:07) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:50) What You Need to Know about Boys & Suicide -- our ON BOYS conversation w Katey McPherson (mentioned at 39:40) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Father's Day here in America was first celebrated on June 19, 1910. It wasn’t declared an official holiday until 1972—58 years AFTER  Mother's Day was made official. Dads have long been assumed to be secondary parents, at best. But popular and persistent stereotypes of fatherhood -- though perhaps grounded in some truth -- don't accurately depict many fathers. How stereotypes hold back dads These stereotypes, though, affect boys and men. They can feed a mistrust of men and fathers that affects potential dads too. The common "incompetent father" trope (think Homer Simpson) can cause people to unconsciously assume that "you're going to be bumbling, you're going to be dangerous, you're going to make poor decisions," says Andy, a new father (and Janet's son-in-law!), who admits to internalizing those ideas. Although his son is only 3 1/2 months old, Andy has already learned the value of staying focused on the present. "I don't know how to raise my son in 5 years. I don't know what to tell him when he's 15. And I don't know that spending any time predicting is going to help me be responsive to it," he says. "What I'm learning, more and more, is that if I'm just present with him, I can figure out what's happening with him and how to respond." Braden Bell, a father, grandfather, and teacher, applauds that approach. "I'm not sure you could have better parenting advice for any age than that," Braden says. "Be present and engaged, full stop." So much over-parenting, he notes, results from parents acting on their fears, instead of responding to the present moment. Evolving expectations for fathers Like many dads, Braden and Andy are both grappling with society's evolving expectations of dads. Not that long ago, dads were expected to be breadwinners and disciplinarians. Today, fathers are involved, active parents who develop (and treasure) intimate relationships with their children. Societal shifts (such as the increasing prevalence of paternity leave) support these changes -- which research shows is good for kids, dads, moms, and society at large. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Andy & Braden discuss: Cultural stereotypes of fathers Supporting fathers Talking to boys about fatherhood How media depictions of dads have changed Dads' experience of fatherhood How staying present can decrease parental stress & anxiety - & improve parenting Supporting father involvement in schools & education Appreciating father-style parenting Father fears How dads develop intimacy The power of paternity leave Fathers supporting fathers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parent-Teacher Conference: A Teacher-Dad on Parenting Teens -- Braden's newsletter Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Michael Ian Black shares some important and (mostly serious) thoughts about how to be a better man with his son -- and all of us -- in his book, A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son. The question of raising good men seems all too significant as the United States (again) wrestles with the fact that nearly all mass shooters are male. But there is hope. "Boys, in general, for all of our problems -- and we have them, & they are not insignificant -- are okay," Black says, "Boys, like girls, are resilient and strong and creative and adaptable, and need some attention, guidance, and love." With support, he says, boys can move forward in positive and constructive ways. "Boyhood and manhood do not need to be reinvented," Black says. "It doesn't even need to be altered significantly. It needs to be enhanced and expanded." Quien es Mas Macho? To help you understand the limitations and rigidity of currently cultural constructions of masculinity, consider the old Saturday Night Live skit, Quien Es Mas Macho? The 1970s skit featured Bill Murray as a game show host, asking 2 contestants to choose decide which of 2 or more (very attractive, popular, masculine) Latino men were "mas macho," or more macho? Sounds silly -- and it is, because the premise is ridiculous: the contestant are being asked to choose between people who are all stereotypically macho. But what makes it funny, Black explains, is that we can play that game -- what's more macho? -- with any 2 random items or people, and we all nearly instantaneously know the "answer." (Try it: What's more macho? Coffee or tea? A German shepherd or a poodle? Butter or margarine?) Most boys are fluent in our shared cultural vocabulary around masculinity by age 5. And when boys deviate from those expectations, they understand they're running a risk of being portrayed as more girl-ish, Black says. "If we step in the wrong place, we risk being mocked and teased," he says. To help our boys become better men, we need to work on ourselves so we can become the kind of person we want them to. We also need to "listen to them, and treat them with respect," Black says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Michael discuss: Expanding boyhood and the definitions & expectations of masculinity How the day-to-day work of parenting helps shape our boys Achievement gaps between boys and girls Helping boys become their full selves How the death of Michael's dad affected him Role-modeling "Rules" of masculinity Class clowns Listening to our boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Boys Are Not All Right -- Michael's viral NYT article A Better Man: A (Mostly Serious) Letter to My Son, by Michael Ian Black michaleianblack.org -- Michael's website (includes a link to his tour schedule & upcoming shows) Red Flags, Safety Nets, & School Shootings -- BuildingBoys post by Jen (mentioned at 7:29) In Praise of the Class Clown -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 24:54) Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast about how to look at/deal with your own "stuff," so you can be the kind of person you want your kid to be Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Britt Hawthorne, a mom of 2 boys and author Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide, says that raising antiracist kids requires teaching them to identify unfairness. It includes incorporating an anti-bias lens when doing, well, almost anything. Britt's oldest son was about 12 years old when his homework required him to imagine he was a colonist in Jamestown or Plymouth and write a letter to relatives back home in England. The boy completed the work as assigned, but his mom took it a bit farther. "Who do you think this assignment is centering?" she asked. "Who had cousins in England in 1620?" Forced labor and human trafficking was ongoing and common at the time; the lesson contained no mention of either of those things. "I wonder," she said to her, "what information is left out of this story?" We can all help our kids learn to identify unfairness and erasure. And we can show them how to take action and drive change. You can start by challenging and changing your language. Consider using "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color;" after all, at least 80% of the humans on this planet are not white. In this episode, Janet, & Britt discuss: Diversity, justice, & systemic inequities Responding to racist behavior in the classroom (and elsewhere) Educational racism Choosing homeschooling when available education options aren't serving your kids Challenging and expanding lessons, assignments, and narratives that only focus one group Embracing differences Answering kids' tough questions Differentiating between "uncomfortable" and "unsafe" -- & learning to lean into uncomfortable Language shifts that can help decenter white-ness (Example: "people of the global majority" instead of "BIPOC" or "people of color') Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Antiracist Children: A Practical Parenting Guide -- Britt's book britthawthorne.com -- Britt's website (includes links to her blog, antiracism workshops, & lots of free info) Addressing Racism & Racial Disparities with Hilary Beard -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sleep is as important to our teens as our toddlers. But ensuring a teenage boy gets the sleep he needs is even more difficult than convincing a toddler to nap that day after you move him from the crib to a toddler bed. Teen boys are even more strong-willed than toddlers -- and most are bigger and stronger than us too. Add in school schedules that are totally out-of-sync with teens' circadian rhythms and the ever-present pull of screens and social media and it's easy to see why most teens aren't getting nearly enough sleep. And though some teens (and adults) consider "getting by" on little sleep a badge of honor, "There are no benefits to being sleep-deprived. There is nothing you do better when you're sleep-deprived," says Lisa L. Lewis, author of The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why are Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools Can Help Them Thrive. The biological truth is that teens need more sleep than adults. Adults need 7-9 hours of sleep per night for good health; teens, 8-10 hours. Sleeping in on the weekend can help -- but not as a long-term strategy. Much smarter (& healthier) to consistently prioritize sleep. "Carve out and guard time for sleep," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lisa discuss: Shift in circadian rhythm during adolescence How homework contributes to teen sleep loss Sleep & mental health Teen sleep needs Should we let teens sleep in on weekends? Nap during the day? Daylight savings time impact on sleep Working with schools and state to develop healthier school start times Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Sleep-Deprived Teen: Why Our Teens are So Tired, and How Parents and Schools can Help Them Thrive -- Lisa's book lisallewis.com -- Lisa's website Boys & Body Image -- previous ON BOYS episode featuring Lisa Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dads need to help boys understand and shape masculinity. In years past, fathers were often "there, but not there," according to Craig Wilkinson, a dad of two and founder of Father a Nation, a South African nonprofit that addresses gender-based violence, crime and fatherlessness by restoring and equipping  men to be nation-builders, fathers and role models. Dads focused on providing for their families, as that's what they were taught. They didn't engage emotionally because their parents didn't emotionally engage with them -- and because few people recognized fathers' role in the emotional development of children. Now we know that fathers are critically important to their children's well-being -- to the world's well-being. "Boys look to older men to model for them how to be a man," Craig says. The question boys are often asking (whether they verbalize it or not) is Am I man enough? Do I have what it takes? When boys aren't taught to harness their strength and drives, they may behave in ways that harm themselves and others. But "if a boy is seen and validated...and taught to use his drives and his strengths for good, there's no need for him to hurt himself or misuse his strength in any way," Craig says. Consistently "being there" for our boys is key. "If they consistently know you are there and the door's open, they will come," Craig says. "They will come." Parents, he says, need to "Be there. Be present, be engaged, be there." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Craig discuss: The changing role of fathers Finding male mentors What boys and girls need from dads Counteracting mixed messages about masculinity Supporting boys through puberty How moms can facilitate father/son relationships Signaling your availability to your son (even if you don't live with him) Making micro-connections A human-first approach Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: craigwilko.com -- Craig's website; includes links to his books Father a Nation -- includes link to free online course, No Excuse for Abuse: Why Gender-Based Violence Happens and How We Can Stop It The 12 Dad Verbs  Mathew Blades on Healing Generational Trauma -- ON BOYS podcast Love Bridges: Why Moments of Micro-Connection Matter, by Maggie Dent Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 Gender bias affects boys’ experience in schools. It’s most often unconscious and unintentional bias but it affects how our boys see themselves and how they feel about school and learning. And until we admit that fact and grapple with the gender equation in schools, things aren’t going to get much better. Educator Jason Ablin learned that lesson the hard way. Early in his teaching career, he assumed he was doing a great job connecting with students of all genders. An in-depth, in-classroom evaluation, though, helped him see that he disciplined his male students more harshly -- "which, ironically," he says "reinforced the messages they were receiving about manhood, versus providing them with a different paradigm of how to open up and express frustration or vulnerability." The need for gender-aware education has perhaps never been greater, but too many people, Ablin says, forget that gender affects boys as well. "When I go into schools and mention the word 'gender,' there are two assumptions that are made immediately," he says. "One, that we're talking about girls and feminism. Two, that we're talking about LBGTQ kids. That's all extremely important, but it limits our ability to address the concerns of teachers in the classroom who are struggling to connect with and teach kids." Boys, meanwhile, frequently feel like they're "never winning," Ablin says -- which, in some boys, can escalate into reactive behavior. Other boys fall into a depressive spiral. ALL boys need the adults around them to recognize their need to be seen. Without this support, boys often create social hierarchies based on dominance; these hierarchies frequently perpetuate unhealthy forms of masculinity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jason discuss: How gender affects student/teacher interactions Helping boys succeed in school The boy crisis in education The "kept prince" phenomenon Disciplining boys Boys and mental health Boys' social hierarchies How parents can encourage change in schools Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ablineducation.com -- Jason's website (includes preview chapter of his book) The Gender Equation in Schools: How to Create Equity and Fairness for All Students -- Jason's book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Finding ecohappiness can decrease boys' anxiety levels and increase family harmony.  There's a strong -- and direct -- link between time in nature and mental health. Human beings require nature exposure for optimal physical and mental health. Of course, that's easier to say than to achieve in modern life, when many of us live in urban environments and use screens to work, learn, and socialize. But there are fun ways to integrate nature exposure with daily life, says Sandi Schwartz, founder of the Ecohappiness Project and author of Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer.  "A huge study came out a couple years ago that said, all you really need is 120 minutes a week connecting to nature. So that's about 20 minutes a day," Sandi says. "You an build a nature habit by looking at your family's routine and tweaking it. Can you walk somewhere for an errand? Eat outside? Do homework or an art project outside?" Such slight changes can make a big difference in boys' (and parents'!) moods and functioning. Research also shows that nature stimulates human creativity, productivity,  and curiosity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sandi discuss: Definition of ecohappiness Link between nature & mental health How to sneak in nature time -- and bring nature into your home Helping kids (and parents) feel comfortable in nature Adding in free play Making time to experience ecohappiness Teens and nature Citizen science Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Finding Ecohappiness: Fun Nature Activities to Help Your Kids Feel Happier and Calmer, by Sandi Schwartz EcohappinessProject.com -- Sandi's website (includes quiz & link to FREE 30-day Echohappiness Challenge Calendar) Picky Eaters, Family Meals, and Nutrition -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 29:22) Richard Louv on Animals, Nature, & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Sponsor Spotlight: Q for Quinn Sensory-friendly organic cotton socks for kids (and grown-ups!) Use the ONBOYS coupon code  to SAVE 10% off your order  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Mathew Blades was a father and successful radio DJ before he recognized the impact of generational trauma on his life. On his boys' lives. Sure, his childhood included a lot of screaming and some spanking. And sure, his father died abruptly when Mathew was just 23 years old. Stuff happens. Mathew did what most people do: he buried his pain and pushed through. That worked, more or less. Until the back pain and shingles, stress and panic attacks. Until Mathew had to admit that he wasn't doing well. He sought help and healing, and now encourages and supports others as they do the same as the host of the podcast Learn From People Who Lived It. "I'm suggesting we get proactive so we can turn out the best version of ourselves," Mathew says, "and ultimately, raise the best kids." If we don't do that, we may self-sabotage and unintentionally create drama in our lives. We may hurt ourselves and others. You can begin healing by focusing on self-care: real, foundational self-care, like sleep, nutrition, and movement. "Putting yourself first isn't selfish," Mathew says. "It's the only way to ever get the best version of yourself." Counter-intuitively, focusing on yourself is one of the best things you can do for your kids. "I know we all want to work on our kids and do all the things for them," Mathew says, "but the moment that you work on yourself -- that's really when you start working on your kids." Do not underestimate the importance of taking care of yourself. As youth hockey coach, Mathew often tells his teams, "The difference between a great team and a good team is that the great team does the fundamentals perfectly. They don't mess up the fundamentals." We parents, he says, should heed that advice as well. Caring for our foundational, fundamental needs is essential to being the best parent and human we can be. In this episode, Jen & Mathew discuss: How our stories and experiences impact our parenting Finding & understanding your inner child Setting boundaries Why putting yourself first isn't selfish The role of anger Healing from generational trauma Making amends Asking for help Building structure and routine Simple self-care Meditation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Learn From People Who Lived It -- Mathew's podcast How to Have a Kid and a Life -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison's real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Why are video games so important to boys? That's the question a listener sent in response to our recent call for questions. The listener who asked that question just happens to be Jen's brother -- and another one of their brothers happens to be a video game designer, so we got them all together to explore the role of video games in boys' lives. "I remember feeling so ticked when things went wrong when I was playing," says Doc Wondra, a dad of 3 who grew up gaming on the Atari, ColecoVision and Nintendo systems. "I felt cheated by the video game and was just mad at everything in that moment and felt a little bit out of control." He even admits to tossing a controller or two. Of course, now that he's a father, he's annoyed and somewhat baffled by such behavior in his 9-year-old son. "He doesn't just get upset," Doc says. "He gets upset and then shares that 'upsetness' with whoever's nearby." Sound familiar? Greg Wondra (Jen & Doc's brother and a video game designer and dad of 3) says boys' emotional reactions to video games result, in part, from their experience of the flow state. A person is in flow when they are deeply immersed in an activity. "Games are designed to -- and excel at -- keeping you in flow," Greg says. "I think part of the reason boys get very frustrated is that they get busted out of the flow state." Video games also meet a lot of boys' psychological needs: for achievement, creativity, exploration, and socialization. So, if you're worried that your boy is spending too much time gaming, consider his psychological needs. Is your son engaged in other activities that fill some of his needs? Can you give your son more freedom and autonomy in the real world? "There's not many places today where kids feel successful," Doc says. Helping kids find and experience success in other areas of their lives may decrease their reliance on video games. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Doc & Greg discuss: Boys' emotional reactions to video games How boys' developmental level affects their interaction with video games Handling screen time transitions Setting screen time & video game boundaries How to use principles of game design in your parenting Understanding how video game "pain points" are designed to motivate behavior Responding to boys' requests for in-game purchases The link between video gaming & boys' social status Video games as an expression of self Bartle's 4 primary gamer types How video games meet boys' needs Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Video Games & Boys (w special guest Greg Wondra) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design - A Career for Boys (also featuring Greg) -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi -- book mentioned by Greg Bartle's Player Types for Gamification --  International Design Foundation article (discussed at 30:35) The Bartle Test of Gamer Psychology -- online test to determine you (or your son's) gamer "type" Dads Speak on Father's Day -- ON BOYS episode (featuring Doc Wondra) Video game design courses by Greg  -- a great opportunity for boys to learn HOW to build games Unreal Engine:  Intro to Game Design Unreal Engine:  Create an Arcade Classic! Unreal Engine:  Open World Landscapes Unreal Engine:  Character Skill System Unreal Engine:  Character UIOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sex talks with tweens can be...awkward.  Even Amy Lang, ON BOYS' go-to sex ed guru, stumbled through her initial sex talks with her son. "I thought I'd be great at it, but I just wasn't," she says. "I realized I'd rather talk to a 15 year old about their pregnancy than talk to my five year old about his penis." But boys need accurate information about human bodies, sexuality, and relationships. They need our help to recognize and explore cultural messages about sex and sexuality. The tween years can be a great time to explore these subjects. "Between approximately age 9 and 12, their brains are still open; adolescence has not yet happened," Amy says, so tween boys may be more open to these conversations than teens. You can also speak more freely, as most tweens will already have some baseline knowledge. "You can't harm your child by talking to them about sex," Amy says. "If you're giving them the information, it won't hurt them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Amy discuss: Sex talks with tweens When -- and how -- to start talking about sex Helping boys untangle cultural messages about sex and sexuality What to do if your son has been exposed to porn What to do if your son shows porn to other kids Helping boys find safe outlets for natural curiosity Average penis size Polyamory Talking about sexual abuse & "tricky people" Consent Sex for fun & pleasure Should parents tell their kids about their sexual experiences? First time? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Bird & Bees & Kids -- Amy's website (includes a link to her Solutions Center) USE THE COUPON CODE BOYS TO GET $30 OFF LIFETIME ACCESS TO AMY'S SOLUTION CENTER Amy Lang's Just Say This -- Amy's podcast Amy Lang on How to Keep Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex (w Amy Lang) --- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed w Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode The Joy of Sex -- book recommended by Amy (at 22:20) Savage Love - sex Q & A by Dan Savage Savage Lovecast -- Dan Savage's podcast Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Consent w Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions! Kristen asks: Is it normal for a 9-10 year old boy to get into physical altercations with friends at every play date? Juliann asks for help figuring out how to best support a son who is "generally non-ambitious" when he finally identifies and pursues an ambition. She asks: How can I tell when I'm giving enough support without smothering or causing learned helplessness? Leslie finds herself in "constant battles" with her 11-year-old son. An example: If I ask him nicely to put his shoes away (example: Hey bud, will you please put your shoes up?) he’ll take his shoes to his room and throw on the floor. I’ll tell him nicely to put them up in his closet (where they’ve gone since he was 5), and he’ll throw a huge fit about it. Anything that takes time away from him doing what he wants it’s a battle. Some days are better than others, but this is literally every day since he was about 6. Brenda wonders: How to graciously acknowledge the almost daily calls and emails from school regarding behavior.  And then discuss with my 6th grader.  And not feel like a failure on the process. Jennifer wants to know: How do you help them stop complaining about EVERYTHING??? Sarah, a mom of three boys, wants to know how to handle bathroom messes: I’ve told them SO many times - in different tones- to just clean it up, to lift the seat, to sit down instead…etc. My question is: what can I do to encourage them to care about this and to take ownership to make choices to prevent it and in the case of accidental drips they clean it up themselves?!  Petra, a mom in the middle of separating from her son's father, has noticed that... our son is not only being more and more alike his father. But he speaks often to me as his father, as if he wanted to speak for him, to help him to make me down. ...and wonders how to respond. In this episode, Jen & Janet: Playdates & roughhousing Boy friendships The fine learn between "helping" and "smothering" Picking & choosing your battles Feeling like a failure Managing emotions Communicating & collaborating with teachers Trusting our boys Teaching (& modeling) gratitude Bathroom messes Parenting sons through divorce & separation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode Homework and Boys -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Parenting Boys thru Divorce -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can we help boys develop healthy body image?  That's not a question parents of boys asked in previous generations. Girls, parents thought, were the ones at risk for body dissatisfaction, given the constant onslaught of heavily stylized (and often Photoshopped) images of impossibly perfect and thin women featured in magazines, movies, and TV shows. But boys aren't immune to body image pressure. As many as 75% of adolescent boys are dissatisfied with their bodies – and that dissatisfaction leads many of them to TikTok & Instagram, where they encounter unrealistic images of chiseled abs and chests AND workout and nutrition regimens that influencers swear will them help get a “ripped” body. Boys are just as susceptible to body image pressure and bad dietary and fitness advice as girls are -- and the results can be devastating. "We've feminized this issue for so long that boys are afraid to admit that it's a concern for them," says Charlotte Markey, a body image researcher and co-author of Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys. But research shows that many 6-year-old boys think they'd look better with muscles. These young boys' perceptions are likely influenced by the fact that the male bodies featured in movies and media have gotten "more extreme" in recent years, says Ed Frauenheim, co-author of Reinventing Masculinity. Today's action figures, he notes, are "more chiseled" than those created a few decades ago. 3% of boys are now using steroids in an attempt to alter their bodies, and 7% use supplements.  "The message in our culture is that 'if you just work a little harder' or 'try this' or 'buy this product,' then you can make yourself into this superhero action figure in real life," Markey says. "But that's not how this really works." Parents can help boys develop healthy body image by discussing masculinity & what it means to be a man. Together, interrogate & challenge gender norms and expectations. "It's important to question, 'what do you want these muscles for?'" Frauenheim says. Boys' answers to that question can reveal both their state of mine and underlying assumptions about men and masculinity. You can also ask boys to name people they admire -- and then, ask what those people look like. Such conversations can help underscore the fact that our bodies are often the least interesting and important thing about us. "The most important thing for health and happiness is not your level of fitness," Frauenheim says, citing research from Harvard. "It's your relationships. And body image obsession can actually interfere with relationships." Make sure your boys know that it's okay to build muscles, as long as they're more focused on building relationships. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Charlotte & Ed discuss: Why parents & doctors don't know as much about body image and eating disorders in boys as in girls The link between social media & boys' body image issues Talking to boys about actors who transform their bodies for superhero movies Steroid & supplement use Helping boys recalibrate their body image expectations When to worry about exercise & "healthy" eating ("If you won't eat dessert on your birthday, that's a problem," Markey says.) How often boys really need to shower (Spoiler: there's no scientific consensus!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Being You: The Body Image Book for Boys, by Charlotte Markey, Daniel Hart, Douglas Zacher Preparing Boys for the World of Work -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ed Frauenheim Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 22:57) Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode What Is "Bigoerexia?" -- NYT article mentioned at 10:20 Steroids are Rampant Among Fitness Influencers, Trainers & Body Builders Say. Most Use in Secret, Claiming Their Gains Come From Workouts & Diet Plans -- Insider article mentioned at 10:53 Decoding Boys w Dr.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Global Initiative for Boys & Men (GIBM) focuses on research and advocacy to support boys and men, according to Sean Kullman, the group's president. GIBM has established a BAM index, a Boys and Men Well-Being Index, an open-source resource packed with information and statistics the reflect the well-being of boys and men. The BAM Index has data in 6 categories: Education Physical and mental health Job, career and financial health Fatherhood, family and relationships Criminal justice system and court systems Male narrative in the public discourse The data shows that "we as a culture are just meaner -- less understanding -- to boys," Kullman says. And our educational systems really don't address the fact that boys and girls, generally speaking, learn differently. To date, state and federal governments also have been hesitant to allocate funding to boys' & men's issues. Sean encourages parents of boys to run for a seat of their local school boards. "I think we need to see more parents who feel strongly about their boys running for school board," he says. "Until you get members of the community who care about boys on the board, it won't change." In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Sean discuss: the BAM Index (measures of men & boys well-being) Why legislators need information regarding male well-being School suspension rates for males School to prison pipeline Gender differences in drug enforcement Gender differences in educational attainment Gender discrepancies in educational funding Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Global Initiative for Boys & Men -- includes links to state reports on the Status of Boys & Men (currently, CA, CO, & MO only) Invitation to a Dialogue: Helping Boys Succeed -- Sean's NYT article (mentioned at 4:30) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- mentioned at 4:36 (you'll see Jen listed under Prominent Women Supporters) Male Advocacy Group Files Legal Complaint Against Pacific Science Center for Girl-Specific Programs -- article about GIBM's activity While Biden's $2.6 Billion Policy Targets Gender Equity Abroad, Americans are Dying at Home -- Sean's article (mentioned at 14:40) The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell -- ON BOYS episode Is Shared Parenting the Best for Boys After Divorce? -- Building Boys post In His Words -- Sean's Substack newsletter, mentioned at 37:35 A Generation of Men Give Up on College -- WSJ article mentioned at 37:58 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When they realized that schools wouldn't change quickly enough to meet their kids' needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline. Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” say Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc. She recalls getting frequent calls from school (for minor issues) when her now-adult son was young, active boy. The sit-still-and-be-quiet method of learning that's still employed by many schools simply doesn't work for many kids. "We forget our children are human beings," Janelle says. They need to move. They want opportunities to apply what they've learned. And each child has distinct strengths and preferences. Sadly, those preferences -- and children's questions -- aren't always respected in the school system. "We've had parents come to us frustrated because their child has been sent to the office for an 'attitude' or their child has been considered 'disruptive' or 'disrespectful,'" Janelle says, "because the child's asked a question. Or the child was being racially bullied and seeking some assistance from the teacher," who didn't have (or take) time to respond. Black Mothers Forum initially tried to work with schools to improve the learning environment, but quickly realized that what was on the agenda at board meetings often didn't line up with the concerns expressed by parents and children. And eventually, "we came to the realization that while they were hearing us, they weren't really listening," Janelle says. "They were just nodding their heads. When we got up to share what was going on in the classroom and our concerns about how our children were being treated and how they were being disproportionately disciplined -- and those disciplinary practices were punitive, frequent, and very long-standing and had long-term impacts on our children's ability to learn -- I would have board members look at the wall," Janelle says. So, the Black Mothers Forum investigated alternative educational options and ultimately opened a series of microschools: mixed-age groups of 5-10 kids facilitated by adult learning guides. The children work on individualized learning goals via online programs, self-directed learning, and group projects. (One microschool wrote and staged their own play!) They gather in morning to discuss their personal goals  -- and how they're doing. The microschools are a school-to-purpose pipeline, Janelle says, that give kids ownership in the learning process. In this episode, Jen, Janelle, & Christina Foster discuss: Black boys' experiences in traditional schools How parents' jobs & past experiences w education affect their relationship with their kids' schools Boys' fight, flight, or fear response How traditional learning environments make it difficult for educators to support kids Advocating for educational change What a microschool is Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Black Mother's Forum -- includes contact info & links to more info about their microschools As COVID Closed Arizona's Classrooms, Black Mothers Launched Their Own Microschools with Focus on Personalized Learning, Ending the School to Prison Pipeline Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Four years of ON BOYS podcast! 214 episodes, more than 900,000 downloads, and countless deep, moving moments. We've talked about vaping, sex, boys & body image, consent, connection, and misconceptions about boys. We wrestle with gender stereotypes, education, and the real-life struggles of living with boys. Janet and Jen collectively devote up to 10 hours per week to ON BOYS podcast -- 10 hours spent finding and connecting with top experts; preparing for our interviews; researching topics; engaging with listeners, educators, and boys parents; and promoting and sharing our episodes because we firmly believe that helping adults understand boys' needs is one way we can change the world for the better. You can help us help you  -- & help make the world a better place -- by subscribing to Building Boys Bulletin, Jen's weekly newsletter, and participating in Janet's Decoding Boys workshop. Here's to another years of ON BOYS! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: What we remember about the start of ON BOYS How our lives have changed since we started podcasting The growth of ON BOYS How boys learn Managing school expectations Gender stereotypes & bias How listeners can support ON BOYS The arc of parenting GRANDCHILD REVEAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Husband and I Lived Apart for 10 Years. It Made Our Relationship Stronger -- Jen's essay, mentioned at 6:30 Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 7:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with JanetOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise LBGTQ allies? We know boys are (still) subject to a lot of homophobia and transphobia. Our culture is full of messages that tell boys it's best to be straight and stereotypically masculine. And though many of us think we're raising our boys to tolerant, inclusive, and accepting, they may be getting a different message from what we don't say. Chris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him -- an openly gay man -- if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn't know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn't "old enough to understand." Others said they didn't know how to discuss homosexuality and heterosexuality with their children. The reality, Chris says, is that there may be LGBTQ kids in our families right now. And when we don't acknowledge that -- by, for instance, not talking about homosexuality -- "we're contributing to the continuation of the closet, which is a hot bed for shame," Chris says. Most of us didn't have these conversations with our parents. We can do better for our kids. In this episode, Jen & Chris discuss: Heteronormativity How adults' lack of conversation about homosexuality perpetuates stigma and shame Talking to about sex & sexuality at  developmentally appropriate levels How seemingly innocuous questions & comments -- "Do you have a girlfriend yet?" "Wow, I bet all the girls are after you!" -- can contribute to shame and silence Subconscious beliefs we (and our kids) pick up from the dominant culture Repair & reconnection Validating kids' perceptions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent's Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, by Chris Tompkins What Children Learn from the Things They Aren't Told -- Chris's TedX talk ARoadTripToLove.com -- Chris's website Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How many of these myths & misconceptions about boys have you heard? How many do you believe? "Boys are easier than girls." "Boys are less emotional than girls." "Boys leave their families when they grow up." "With boys, you don't have to fight over clothing choices." "There's less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they're teenagers and dating." "Boy mom" & writer Jessica Wozinsky Fleming, a mom of 4 sons (ages 7, 5, 3 & 3) has heard all of these before. (As has Jen, our resident "boy mom!") "When people found out that our last pregnancy was two boys, we heard a lot of comments like, 'oh, should I congratulations or I'm sorry?' and 'Oh! You'll have to keep going!'" Jessica says. "And these comments were often in front of my other boys, who were old enough to understand what's being asked." Such comments are difficult to explain to young boys - who may assume that those statements imply girls are more desirable than boys -- and can bring up complicated feelings of sadness in parents who initially dreamed of parenting boys and girls. Parenting boys has taught Jessica that many things people believe about boys simply aren't true. (Or, at least, not true for all boys.) "So many people have told me that boys are less emotional," she says. "But there are a lot of big emotions at my house!" Jessica Fleming & Jen (not Janet!) In this episode, Jen & Jessica discuss: Myths & misconceptions about boys Public reactions to all-boy families Helping boys recognize myths & misconceptions about boys Teaching boys about consent & talking about sexual violence Making space for boys Roughhousing Potty training boys Adapting your parenting to your kids' individual personalities Brother relationships How gender stereotypes still limit boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jessica-fleming.com -- Jessica's website All Boys? -- classic Building Boys post To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned around 16:00) Why Roughhousing is Good for Kids, & How to Keep It Safe -- Jessica's Washington Post article The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS podcast Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Empowering boys is one powerful way to address the boy crisis. Some people -- often, people who don't have or work with boys -- wonder why boys need to be empowered. After all, they say, men still control most businesses and countries. But boys struggle in the classroom and in our communities. "Dangerous double standards" exist regarding sexual abuse, depending on whether the victim is male or female, says Laurie A. Couture, a mental health specialist, mother, and author of Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended. There's a tendency, she says, to focus on male pathology rather than male needs and strengths. Couture says one of the most effective things parents can do to empower boys is to "get them out of the public school system" and explore alternative educational options such as homeschool or forest schools. "Boys should be spending the majority of their days moving," Couture says. "If boys are sitting sedentary, there is something wrong. That's not what nature intends for their development. Children learn through play. That is the vehicle by which a child's brain develops." What adults commonly view as acting-out behavior is actually nature's alert system. "It's saying 'Alert, alert! This environment is toxic for this child,'" Couture says. "it is nature's way of saying, 'Something in this environment is going against life. It's not meeting the child's needs. The child is not at homeostasis." Though it's virtually impossible to meet a child's needs 100% of the time, our efforts to respond sensitively to our boys can empower them. When a child's needs are met consistently, they develop confidence in those around them and in their own abilities. Empowering and supporting each other is another way to empower boys. "We can create spaces that welcome our boys and noise, chaos, and activity," Jen says. "We can work together, empower each other, empower our boys, and make this world better for all of us." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Laurie discuss: Gender stereotypes Homeschooling Sexual abuse and violence The importance of movement for boys The human attachment cycle Screen time & video game addiction Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: laurieacouture.com -- Laurie's website Instead of Medicating and Punishing: Healing the Causes of Our Children's Acting-Out Behavior by Parenting and Educating the Way Nature Intended, by Laurie A. Couture Homeschool Hacks & How to Homeschool Boys -- ON BOYS episode Forest Schools Get Boys Learning Naturally -- ON BOYS episode Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke  -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 21:47) Video Game Addiction -- ON BOYS episode 4 Ways to Make Your Home Movement Friendly -- article by Jen Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-courseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Brain-body parenting can help you raise joyful, resilient boys, says Dr. Mona Delahooke. Boys' behavior offers clues as to what's going on inside the child -- and deciphering what's happening internally can help us tailor our response to the unique human individual before us. It's time to  "move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world," says Dr. Delahooke,  a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges. The autonomic nervous system is our "automatic nervous system," she explains. It controls our bodies' unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different. So, while some people aren't bothered by noisy environments or tags on their clothing, other people who experience those same triggers may feel "threatened," even though they are objectively safe. Their bodies may move into the "red zone," which is characterized by increased alertness and reactivity, an increased heart rate, and a desire or need to move. Chronic stress can lead to the "blue zone," a state in which humans often withdraw to conserve energy. The green, red, and blue zones are adaptive. "You are witnessing the power of human resilience," Dr. Delahooke says. "Those states are there to protect us." Learning to recognize these states of being can help parents determine an appropriate challenge zone for their kids -- and may reveal expectation gaps. You can use that information to more effectively and compassionately support your boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss: What is brain-body parenting? The link between the nervous system and behavior Green, red, and blue zones -- an easy way to recognize a person's current level of functioning Checks-ins vs. time-outs Getting curious about kids' behaviors Body budgets Parental self-care The challenge zone Expectation gaps Co-regulation Parallels between toddlerhood & adolescence How unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in school Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, by Dr. Mona Delahooke Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children's Behavioral Challenges, by Dr. Mona Delahooke monadelahooke.com -- Dr. Delahooke's website Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Picky eaters... are incredibly common. Nearly all kids go through food jags. ALL humans have food preferences. Navigating all of this around the dinner table, though, can feel frustrating and overwhelming. Even for experts. "I felt confident going into parenting!" says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. "I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we'd sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals." That, she learned, "is just not how it works." Despite the fact that eating is a basic, natural human drive, "it takes a lot of effort and practice to really help children have a healthy relationship with food," Rebecca says. She suggests letting go of a lot of our preconceived notions and focusing on developing "confident, competent eaters." Think of eating and nutrition as an experience. Food and meals include colors, textures, sensations, and emotions. Children are naturally "neo-phobic," or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That's a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we're interacting with and reacting to food -- & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it. Rebecca recommends following Ellyn Satter's Division of Responsibility in Feeding: PARENTS are responsible for WHAT food is offered, WHERE food is offered, and WHEN Food is offered CHILDREN are responsible for HOW MUCH (or whether) they eat In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rebecca discuss: What it means to have a healthy relationship with food Identifying & deconstructing our "shoulds" regarding food and eating Introducing new foods Division of Responsibility in Feeding Why you shouldn't bribe your child to try new foods or clean their plate Picky eating vs. problem feeding vs ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) When to seek professional assistance for eating challenges Should you let your child eat a separate meal? Helping kids decipher "moral" food messages (Spoiler: No food is "good" or "bad") Dinner at a dietician's home How Jen & Rebecca know each other :) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Nourishing Bits & Bites -- Rebecca's website (follow her on FB and Instagram too!) Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith -- newsletter mentioned at 34:31 Celiac Disease Cookbook for the Newly Diagnosed: Guidance and Recipes for an Easy Transition to the Gluten-Free Diet, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:15) Meal Prep Cookbook for Runners: Healthy Meals to Prepare, Grab and Go, by Rebecca Toutant (mentioned at 41:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Gender norms still (and unnecessarily!) limit boys, says journalist Lisa Selin Davis, author of Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to be Different. Which may not be an accident, since gender norms (as we know them today) were essentially created to ensure that male children grew into straight, non-homosexual men. "The way we conceive of boys' stuff and girls' stuff in this country is really only about 100 years old," she says. "It's important for us to understand that what we think of as 'normal' for boys and 'normal' for girls is culturally and temporally dependent." Up until the end of the 19th century, sex, gender, and sexuality were all kind of blurred together. When the general public began to recognize homosexuality, parents quickly learned "that it was not a desirable outcome to have your child grow up to be gay, so the way to prevent that from happening was to emphasize masculinity," Lisa says. Gender norms for females have loosened considerably in recent years. (There's a nearly 100% chance that you've seen a woman or girl wearing pants today, for instance.) But there's not yet been in equivalent expansion of the "man box" for boys and men. Many well-meaning adults still say things that reinforce gender norms and send harmful messages. "I think parents don't realize that when they say, 'oh, honey, no; don't buy that because that's a pink ball,'" Lisa says, "that they're sending a message that it's not okay to be feminine. And a message that it's not okay to be gay." Of course, no matter what we parent do, children face pressure to conform to gender norms - often, from their peers. Parents (and others) can help be supporting a child's interests, no matter what they are. "The more a child is immune to gender stereotypes, the better it is for them in life," Lisa says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lisa discuss: The history of gender norms in the United States Generational reactions to gender roles Gender & marketing Helping boys be themselves in a hyper-gendered culture Working in communities to shift gender norms Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why a Pink Tutu Can Be a Gender-Neutral Christmas Gift -- Washington Post article by Lisa (referenced in intro) Tomboy: The Surprising History and Future of Girls Who Dare to Be Different, by Lisa Selin Davis BROADVIEW with Lisa Selin Davis -- Lisa's subscription newsletter Women 32% More Likely to Die After Operation by Male Surgeon, Study Reveals -- The Guardian article about the study mentioned at 13:12 How to Raise a Boy (w Michael C. Reichert) -- ON BOYS conversation To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS conversation Raising Them: Our Adventures in Gender Creative Parenting, by Kyl Myers -- book mentioned at 40:01 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Nefertiti Austin’s son was 6 yrs old when she realized he’d “have to learn that his race and gender could get him killed," she writes in Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America. That's not a lesson white boys have to learn, and that's one consequence of living in a country where motherhood is so white. As Nefertiti points out in her 2019 book, the default “parent” in American culture is a married white person with white children. Her 15 year old son is now 5'10 and wears a size 10 shoe. He's not an adult, but Nefertiti knows that many people are far more likely to look at her son and see a threat than a child deserving protection and nourishment. "He is seen as a Black man in America, so the protections that your sons have, he does not have," Nefertiti told Jen. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Nefertiti discuss: The "talk" parents have with Black boys Becoming a parent via adoption & the foster care system Helping boys navigate gender norms The parenthood stories we don't tell The wisdom, burdens & challenges of Black motherhood Making space for & including parents of all cultures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: nefertitiaustion.com -- Nefertiti's website Motherhood So White: A Memoir of Race, Gender, and Parenting in America, by Nefertiti Austin Supporting Black Boys' Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 16:30 How I'm Teaching My Black Children to Thrive in a World That Isn't Fair -- Nefertiti's Washington Post article (mentioned at 26:38) Critical Race Theory -- article by Nefertiti (mentioned at 27:45) Becoming -- Michelle Obama's memoir (mentioned at 32:14) The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (mentioned at 36:13) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: NextGenMen Use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% on their Raising Next Gen Men e-course Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sports and masculinity have long been intertwined. For a long time, boys and men were the only ones who were allowed to play sports. Athletic fields and locker rooms were seen as places where boys became men. We’ve seen where that can lead. We’ve seen little boys & teenagers told to “man up!”, “rub some dirt on it” and play past the pain. We’ve heard “locker room talk” and know all about horrific hazing that has happened in some high school locker rooms. Each of us can probably name multiple top athletes who’ve been accused of sexual assault, domestic violence or murder. And yet, in recent years, we’ve seen some pretty amazing examples of male athletes pushing back against stereotypical gender norms.  "There's a long narrative around boys dominating the field and boys being trained to be men. And sport and athleticism was yet another arena in which boys and men could publicly demonstrate strength, domination, and power over other men," says Michael Kehler, PhD, Werklund Research Professor, Masculinities Studies at the University of Calgary. Sports, he says, has become another "bastion of the male elite" where boys and men "establish themselves within the hierarchy of masculinity." Before signing your son up for a sport, you should "think carefully about why," Michael says. Why are you choosing sport over, say, other physical activities? And why are you choosing that particular sport? It is because your son has expressed an interest in the activity? Because you or his father played it? Because you want him to toughen up? "We need to be award of the intentional ways in which we contribute to our children's understanding of gender through certain activities," he says. It is most helpful to encourage our kids to try a wide variety of activities. "The more that our children have opportunities to try things and express themselves in different ways, then the healthier they're going to be in terms of their own well-being," Michael says, "because they see that they don't need to adhere to those fairly rigid (and what can be very damaging) scripts of masculinity." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michael discuss: Why (& how) sports & masculinity are linked How adult ideas about sport & masculinity influence the sports offer to little boys Hierarchy of sports in the male world Other physical activities for boys Sports, popularity, & social currency Helping boys understand that there are many ways to be a boy or man How coaches affect boys' understanding of masculinity Why male affection seems more welcome in sport than elsewhere Body image and bodyshaming How to tell if it's time to quit a sport Masculinity and mental health Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Rule of Being a Man: If We Know Them, Why Don't We Change Them? -- Dr. Kehler's TEDx talk Men & Boys Cry Too -- Building Boys post about incident mentioned at 4:39 How (Not) to Talk to Boys -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 21:32) Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or more Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ONBOYS22 discount code to SAVE 22% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, it's possible to have a kid and a life. A life beyond babies, boys, and ballgames. A life that includes your hopes, dreams, and passions. It's normal (and healthy) for your career, marriage, and friendships to shift and evolve when you become a parent. But you don't have to give your all to parenting. It's okay (and healthy!) to reserve some time and energy for yourself. "As my son got older, all of my activities centered around what he did," says Ericka Souter, a journalist and author of How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide. "I realized that I was drowning in kid activities and I was unhappy about that. I felt like I needed to do something for myself." That urge led her to interview other moms and begin writing her book. Reporting, researching, traveling and talking to others helped Erika feel whole again. Of course, it's not easy to make time for yourself amidst the demands of family life. So, you'll have to let go of things that don't serve you. "You have to give yourself permission to let go of people and activities that don't make you feel good," Ericka says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ericka discuss: The "mom gene" Making time for personal passions How to make mom friends Advocating for yourself Why taking time for yourself is good for your kids Taking back ownership of your body Prioritizing time with your partner Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Have a Kid and a Life: A Survival Guide -- Ericka's book erikasouter.com -- Ericka's website Discovery of the "Mom Gene" May Explain Why Some of Us Don't Crave Having Kids -- article by Ericka (mentioned at 6:45) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Sambucol Use the BOYS15 discount code to SAVE 15% off your next order of $9.99 or moreOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2021?  Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels The answers may surprise you! 5. Highly Sensitive Boys with William Allen By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to “man up” and that he “needed to be tougher.” Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts.. If you liked this episode, you may like Sensitive Boys (w Sandy Gluckman) 4. The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys Jen & Janet talk about Jen's first book, The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys! “If you don’t express an openness or willingness to listen to your son’s viewpoint, he’s not going to listen to yours. Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don’t know what his daily experience is like. You don’t fully understand what’s happening in schools, what it’s like to be a kid today." If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Tween & Teenage Boys 3. Dr. Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive Many boys are stressed but don’t tell their parents because “they don’t want to hurt us,” Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren’t getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they’re really worried about “flunking life.” It’s time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. If you liked this episode, you may like You Can Thrive with Chronic Illness and Special Needs 2. How to NOT Raise an A-Hole Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. “It is definitely one of my big fears,” she says. “I don’t want to raise a kid that’s an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  – I’m trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn’t be part of their lives.” If you liked this episode, you may like Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright)  1. Keeping Boys Safe Online (w Amy Lang) Boys today don’t even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for “sex” or “boobs” can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making,” Amy says. “If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” If you liked this episode, you may like Parenting Sexually Active Boys Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order    Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS listeners really want to know how to keep boys safe online. Which makes sense, given that the internet is a portal to all kinds of free and easily accessible porn -- as well as conspiracy theories, disinformation, and peer pressure. In January 2021, we asked our friend Amy Lang to help us address this question, and she did not disappoint. The resulting episode was so well-received that it became our most popular episode of 2021. Keeping Boys Safe Online has been downloaded more than 8,000 times! (For context: That's 1,000 more downloads than our next most popular episode.) A few highlights: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Next Gen Men Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 15% off their Raising Next Gen Men course, designed for parents, educators, coaches, and youth workers who work with boys and believe in better possibilities for the next generation of men. Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we raise next gen men -- men who can thrive in the 21st century? "When you're on a playground, you can't yell, 'Hey, Tommy, cut that hegemonic masculinity out!'" says Jake Stika, co-founder of Next Gen Men, a Canadian organization dedicated to changing how the world sees, acts and thinks about masculinity. Parents, educators and boys need concrete, practical suggestions and assistance. Talking to boys about consent, for example, is not enough. Today's tweens and teens understand the concept of consent and understand why it's important, but they need help figuring out how to apply consent in their personal relationships. "They want to know, 'What do I actually say, that's not too awkward?'" says Jonathon Reed, youth program manager for Next Gen Men. Boys also need and want to understand their role in the #MeToo era. Many have heard that they should listen to women and girls and want to know if they're allowed to talk as well. "It's really benevolent sexism that we're perpetuating when we don't empower boys to be stakeholders, beneficiaries, and co-conspirators in conversations" about equality, the gender wage gap, childcare, and parenting, Stika says. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Jake & Jonathon discuss: Helping boys understand consent (and giving them words to use in real-life situations) Creating space for boys to find solutions How boys use humor Gendered expectations Gender equity Benevolent sexism Male-on-male violence Why boys (all boys!) need people who see them, value them, & KNOW them The difference between harm & abuse Boys & anger (Did you know that trauma can manifest as anger?) Metabolizing shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: NextGenMen website Breaking the Boy Code -- our previous ON BOYS conversation with Jonathon Raising Next Gen Men course -- use the ON BOYS coupon code to save 15% ON BOYS episodes featuring ADHD Dude Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 14:17) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode We Will Not Cancel Us -- essay by Adrienne Brown (mentioned at 34:22) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Jon Lasser believes we all have a role to play in expanding boys' opportunities. The Man Box and Boy Code still limit and shape boys' behavior. And although there are plenty of books and TV shows that encourage girls to step past gendered boundaries, there are far fewer resources for boys and their parents. "As a feminist dad, I found a lot of great resources for girls that showed them that they could be anyone they wanted to be. They could be strong and capable and powerful. But I didn't see a lot of resources for boys," says Dr. Jon, a school psychologist, psychology professor and dad of two adult daughters. He decided to address the issue by authoring a children's picture book entitled What Boys Do. Our boys absorb so many unconscious messages about gender. As a child, Dr. Jon noticed the males and females of his family sorting themselves into separate rooms and activities after Thanksgiving dinner. The men went into the living room to watch football; the women talked while working together in the kitchen. Young Jon was more interested in the kitchen conversations. "I wish I had had someone pulled me aside and say, 'It's okay to go where you're comfortable. It's okay to go where you can be you. You don't have to go where the Y chromosomes go,'" he says. Parents, teachers, and caregivers also must make an effort to move past "our own preconceived notions of 'what boys like,'" Dr. Jon says, and to "celebrate what they like." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jon discuss: Unconscious gender divisions in family gatherings Supporting boys' interests How children understand and learn about gender Why some boys welcome therapy - and others resist it The importance of FREEDOM and FUN Discussing gender role stereotypes with boys Gender role strain The problem with "problematizing" teen's tendency to question authority Books for boys Using imaginative play to learn about & understand your son Unconditional positive regard for boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What Boys Do, by Dr. Jon Lasser -- Dr. Jon's picture book My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 3:58) "My Boy Can" Parenting -- earlier ON BOYS conversation with Sassy Are You My Mother? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:35) Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? -- classic children's book (mentioned at 24:40) The Paper Bag Princess -- book mentioned at 27:30 Tech Generation: Raising Balanced Kids in a Hyper-Connected World, by Mike Brooks & Dr. Jon Lasser (mentioned at 41:00) Magination Press -- includes links to Dr. Jon's other picture books Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jack Kammer says boys are affected by sexism too.  Boys and girls who engage in the same exact behavior may be treated very differently. And yet, when we fail to acknowledge that fact, we contribute to the gaslighting of our boys. Because the truth is that males and females both experience advantages AND disadvantages related to their sex and gender. But while a lot of societal effort has been directed toward decreasing gender-related disadvantages that hold back females, little attention has been directed toward eliminating barriers commonly encountered by boys and men. "For the past 60 years, we've done a pretty good job of making sure that girls have a lot of fluidity in the choices that they can make and the options they can pursue," says Kammer, author of Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World. "We don't do that so much for boys." In fact, he says, when it comes to love, relationships, nurturing, and expression, today's prevailing narrative posits female superiority and male inferiority. As a result, too many boys and men (and girls & women) believe that males can't multi-task or competently care for young children. "It was a very bad thing for our nation to waste all of the talent that women had to be good business people, lawyers, and scientists. It's really a bad thing for us to waste all of the love and nurturance, the desire to be fully human and helpful, that men feel," Kammer says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jack discuss: Helping boys grapple with sexism Advocating for boys in the classroom and on the playground Recess and its importance for boys (& girls) Fluidity for boys How gender stereotypes harm boys & men Shame's impact on boys Empowering boys to delay sexual activity Encouraging father involvement Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: jackkammer.com -- Jack's website (includes links to his male-friendly podcasts) Heroes of the Blue Sky Rebellion: How You and Other Young Men Can Claim All the Happiness in the World -- Jack's book Boy Moms as Boy Advocates -- ON BOYS episode featuring Gemma Gaudette (mentioned at 6:10) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families   Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your orderOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Did you know that boys may be more susceptible to respiratory viruses than girls? Society tells us that boys are strong and tough, but the truth is that males are biologically fragile -- from before birth all the way through to death. Male fetuses are more likely to be miscarried than female fetuses, especially during stressful times. Men tend to have weaker immune systems than women, and males are more susceptible to all kinds of viral respiratory illnesses, including the common cold, influenza respiratory syncytial virus (RSV), and COVID-19. Males who contract COVID-19 are more likely than females with the same illness to land in the hospital and develop complications. Handwashing, plenty of sleep, fresh diet and a healthy diet can all bolster boys' immune systems. Given the amount of "crud" out there this time of year, you may want to take some extra steps to protect your son's respiratory health -- and minimize the number of sick days your family has this year! Most respiratory viruses spread through the air. Infected people exhale the virus, which can linger in the air. Others in the area unknowingly inhale the virus -- and often become sick a few days later. Wearing a well-fitting mask in public places can dramatically decrease the chances of your son (and your family) contracting a respiratory illness. "Nobody wants to wear a mask," says Jim Rathburn, CEO of of LCP Medical and a dad & grandfather of boys. "But societally, I think we have reached a new normal where wearing a mask is important in some situations." Consider wearing masks: At the grocery store On public transportation In school settings At airports "Those are high risk areas where you don't know if other people are infected or there's something floating around in the atmosphere," Jim says. "There's at least 100 different viruses out there that want to join your cells. Some of them are relatively benign and some of them are a huge threat to life. "It doesn't take much just to wear a protective mask that can prevent you from getting something." This episode is sponsored by LCP Medical. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jim discuss: Boys' vulnerability to respiratory viruses How respiratory viruses spread How masks decrease transmission of respiratory viruses Characteristics of effective masks Why we're all increasingly susceptible to the common cold Truth about parenting boys! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Don't Want Your Kids to Wear a Mask in School? Do This. -- Building Boys post Sick Day Survival -- classic Building Boys post Why Are Americans Still -- Still! - Wearing Cloth Masks? -- Atlantic article (mentioned at 11:27) Healthcare Providers Need Better than N95 -- Modern Healthcare article authored by Jim (mentioned at 15:05) Flu Has Disappeared for More Than a Year -- Scientific American article discussed at 23:15 Sponsor Spotlight: LCP Medical  Comfortable face masks that capture, disable & discard infectious germs Use the ON BOYS discount code to SAVE 10% off your order  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Video game addiction Google that term and you'll get 95 million results -- and the first one is for an addiction treatment center. But is video game addiction really "a thing?" More importantly -- what can parents do if they think their kid's gaming is out of control? Step one, says Chris Ferguson, a psychology professor and co-author of Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, is to figure out if technology & gaming "is really the culprit." Often, video games aren't the cause of obsessive behavior; rather, excessive or obsessive gaming can be a symptom of an underlying issue. Depression, for instance, may be the root cause of obsessive gaming. And if that's the case, taking away a child's phone or video game system is unlikely to lead to positive changes. Instead, the child will become angry and resentful and his depression -- the thing that's fueling his desire for comfort and escape -- remains. To most effectively parent tweens & teens, you have to first identify -- and then question -- your own fears and biases. Are you afraid that playing video video games will turn your son into a school shooter? Take heart -- research to date does not support a link between video game violence & real-world violence. (In fact, school shooters are less likely than their peers to play video games.) It also helps to remember moral panics of the past. (Did the rock music you listened to as a teen turn you into a Satanist? Probably not...) In most cases, parents and children can work together to address problematic gaming. If you need professional help, look for a psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in working with teenagers. Your child does not need  -- and probably won't benefit from -- working with an addiction specialist. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chris discuss: Why calling excessive gaming an "addiction" isn't helpful How kids use gaming as a coping mechanism Typical teen development (& how that may influence your son's use of games, and your perception of your son) The link between parenting style, school stress & gaming Why boys choose video gaming over homework & chores Setting rules & boundaries for video games, screen time, homework & household chores Moral panics, music & video games Do video games negatively affect boys' perceptions of women? Realistic expectations for parenting tween & teenage boys Male development (note: guys tend to mature more slowly than their female counterparts) Warning signs of video game "addiction" What to do if you see technology overuse Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Moral Combat: Why the War on Video Video Games is Wrong, by Patrick Markey & Chris Ferguson christopherjferguson.com -- Chris' website How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- Building Boys post The Link Between Freedom and Video Games -- Building Boys post The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: Practical Advice for Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink -- Jen's book, mentioned at 17:24 How Madness Shaped History: An Eccentric Array of Maniacal Rulers, Raving Narcissists, and Psychotic Visionaries -- Chris' latest book Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Opt-in at Boys Alive! for your free guide: Boys & Big Emotions with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Before he started The Tyler Merritt Project or created his viral video, Before You Call the Cops, Tyler Merritt was a confused, young black boy trying to make sense of all the expectations and stereotypes swirling around him. "I wish somebody had really sat down with me as a young person and simply said, 'Hey, Tyler, you're going to make a lot of mistakes. A lot of mistakes. And those mistakes are going to go on for a very long time. But listen young man: do not let those mistakes ruin you; do not let those mistakes define you. Let those mistakes become your fuel, your fire to burn stronger and become the man that can help change the world." That's a message our boys need to hear.  It's one we all need to hear. Mistakes are survivable. And hiding due to shame, regret, or fear of another mistake is, well, a mistake. "What and who are we missing because we have convinced individuals that they no longer have worth because of the mistakes that they have made?" Tyler says. "How many great leaders have we missed? How many great faith leaders, political leaders, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers have decided that they no longer want to do that thing that is significantly just them, that only they can do, because they have decided that those one or two mistakes are things that they can never come back from?" Tyler speaks from experience. He withdrew from social media (and many real-world interactions) after intimate photos he privately sent to another individual, um, were discovered by her husband. Who threatened to share the photos with the entire world. Loneliness set in. But eventually, Tyler realized that mistakes are universal. "I remember thinking to myself: I don't need to just come back through this for myself; I need to come back through this for every young man, young woman, everyone that I've hurt, to let them know that we can still do great things," he says. Now, "finding are finding hope in themselves because of my stories," Tyler says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tyler discuss: Expectations placed on boys How history affects black boys in school even today Recovering from mistakes Letting people see your full self How loving yourself helps you love others Finding hope in spite of anger How accepting our mistakes allows us to connect with others Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: I Take My Coffee Black: Reflections on Tupac, Musical Theatre, Faith, and Being Black in America -- Tyler's book Before You Call the Cops -- Tyler's viral video The Tyler Merritt Project on Facebook How to be an Antiracist, by Ibram X. Kendi -- books mentioned at 14:36 Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen's newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Schedule a Breakthrough Session with Janet Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is wilderness therapy a good choice for troubled boys?  For boys who are self-harming, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, or in trouble with the law? Is wilderness therapy the solution for families who have tried everything and are desperate to help their sons? It can be, says Jane (name changed at her request, to protect her family's privacy) and Tami, two parents who made the decision to place their sons in wilderness therapy programs, and TJ, Tami's 21-year-old son who was enrolled in an outdoor behavioral healthcare program four years ago. "Our son started spiraling years ago, and we tried everything we could. Therapists. Coaches. Talking to him. More severe consequences," Jane says. "We were dealing with school avoidance, experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and defiance, and it got to the point where my husband and I just didn't feel like we had control. It was this cycle of dysfunction, and it got so bad that our family started to normalize it." Things deteriorated to the point that their son's therapist told them their son would either end up "in an orange jumpsuit, or with an addiction problem." Their son was 14. The final straw, Jane says, came when her son's school said they may have to report the family to social services due to their son's continued truancy. Four years after his therapy experience, TJ says the discomfort was worth it. "It is honestly miserable a good amount of the time. It's hard; it's not an easy experience. But no experience worth having is easy," he says. "If I hadn't done those 3 months in the wilderness, I don't know where I'd be today. It really did teach me a lot about myself and how to live in a positive way." Photo by Justin Burger via Flickr In this episode, Jen, Jane, Tami Ann & TJ discuss: Why families choose wilderness therapy Prioritizing mental health What to do when therapy doesn't seem to work Family dysregulation Why tweens/teens drink alcohol/use drugs The wilderness therapy experience How to find (and vet) an educational consultant Parents' role in wilderness therapy Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: A Wilderness Story: A Teen's Road to Healing, by Tami Ann -- FB page for Tami Ann's book Troubled Boys (w Kenneth R Rosen) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 2:51 Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) -- resource mentioned by TJ; help for people who drinking and substance use problems Wilderness Therapy w Paul Cumbo -- ON BOYS episode discussing a novel about wilderness therapy ICEA (International Association of Educational Consultants) -- resource mentioned at 50:45 Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Need some practical parenting strategies to help you manage hitting, backtalk and disobedience?  Amy Williams has solutions. Amy is a school counselor who also helps overwhelmed and stuck parents. And let's be real: we all feel overwhelmed, stuck, and unsure at various points during our parenting journey. Giving ourselves grace is step one to moving forward, Amy says. Pause. Take some deep breaths. Step away from the situation, if you can. "If the tantrum is happening over there, but there are no blood, brains or bones, you can take a minute to take care of yourself," she says, "so you can come back and be the parent you want to be vs. the parent who is at that high stress, dysregulated state. "Our children need us to be regulated, and when we don't take our own self into consideration and have respect for ourselves as a person -- and know how to regulate ourselves -- then our children won't see that happen. We are role models." Despite our best intentions, many of us unconsciously sabotage our parenting efforts. The most common forms of parental self-sabotage include: Talking too much Procrastination "Forgetting to pant" Negative scripting Ignoring your own unmet needs Identifying your typical patterns can help you figure out which changes to make to quickly yield better results. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why self-care is essential for effective parenting How role-modeling can teach emotional regulation 4 ways parents sabotage their parenting efforts Adult talking speed vs. kids' processing speed (we talk too fast for kids to process!) Connecting with your child during "neutral" time Breaking family patterns Narrating interactions with your kids What to say when your child says, "I'm stupid!" or "I hate you!" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Amy Williams Academy -- Amy's website Caring Discipline: Practical Tools for Nurturing Happy Families and Classrooms, by Joanne Nordling -- book mentioned at 20:51 Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 42:00 janetlansbury.com -- website of parenting educator mentioned by Amy Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Hunt, Gather, Parent, by Michaeleen Doucleff, shares ancient wisdom that's still relevant today: the key to raising healthy, happy, helpful humans is to engage them in work of the family and community.  That's a truth we seem to have forgotten in our collective desire to optimize our kids. Our intentions are good, but our actions -- signing our kids up for multiple extracurricular activities; spending our weekends shuffling them around to tournaments and birthday parties -- may actually be harming our kids' development. Michaeleen's investigation of parenting practices began when her daughter was two and hitting, biting, and experiencing frequent tantrums. "Everything in my heart wanted to help her, to teach her how to calm down," Michaeleen says. So, like a good modern parent, Michaeleen read parenting books and blogs. But nothing she tried seemed to help. "We'd get in these big cycles: I'd eventually get angry and she would get louder," Michaeleen says. "To be honest, I really started to dread my time with her." Then Michaeleen, a science correspondent for NPR, was sent to the Yucatan to follow up on a research paper that found that Mayan kids are better at paying attention than American kids. The experience was life-changing. "What those parents showed me in the week we were there really shifted my whole thinking about parenting," she says. "I started to realize there's a different way to do this that's not only easier but more effective." Learn more in Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Michaeleen discuss: How a trip to the Yucatan shifted Michaeleen's approach to parenting Why letting children explore is more effective than telling kids what to do Going against the parenting grain Benefits of family-focused (vs. kid-focused) parenting Involving kids in the work of the family Why you should get rid of some of your kids' toys Creating opportunities to share How kids develop initiative Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Hunt, Gather, Parent: What Ancient Cultures Can Teach Us About the Lost Art of Raising Happy, Helpful Little Humans -- Michaeleen's book A Global Guide for Parents: How Your Kids Can Have Fun Without Stressing You Out -- NPR article by Michaeleen michaeleendoucleff.com -- Michaeleen's website Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for familiesOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Teaching boys to drive can be exciting, scary. and intimidating. Boys are more likely than girls to speed, drink while driving, and take chances when they have passengers in the car. "I think he thought driving was going to be super intuitive," says Carole, mom of Lucas, a newly-licensed driver. "When we started, he was like, 'Whoa, this is not at all what I thought it was going to be!' It's not Forza." No matter how many hours your son has logged Forza and other popular driving video games, it's a good idea to start his real-world driving adventure in a parking lot or other wide-open space where he can gain experience without worrying about other drivers. But even after your son has mastered the basics of driving, it can be unnerving for parents to hand over control of car. "It was definitely hard to see him drive off the very first time," Carole says. "It immediately brought me back to when he was in 5th grade and wanted to ride his bike to school. We don't live on a super bike-able road, so we talked about it and we biked it together and the day he rode off by himself, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, I just have to trust that everything I've done up to this point is going to be enough.'" In this episode, Jen, Janet, Carole & Lucas discuss: Parental involvement in teaching boys to drive Driver's ed State requirements to obtain a driver's license Real-world driving vs. by-the-books driving Managing parental fears & grief Safety concerns Effectively communicating risk to teenage boys What to do if your son doesn't want to learn to drive Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Age 16 & Learning to Let Go -- Building Boys post Safety Tips for Parents Teaching Their Boys How to Drive -- Building Boys post Here's How You Keep Your Teen Safe on the Road -- Building Boys post 6 Things Every Father Should Teach His Son About Cars -- Building Boys post How to Help Kids with ADHD Drive Safely -- Child Mind Institute article Teens with ADHD and Driving -- article from Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder Sponsor Spotlight: Cozi #1 organizing app for families    Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Let legendary parenting author Steve Biddulph teach you how to be a fully human parent. His book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, came out a few months ago and Janet talked to him about it then. Later this month, he's releasing a brand new online talk about being a fully human parent, so we're re-running Janet's conversation with Steve and encourage you all to check out his talk. We'll let Steve tell you about it: For months now I have been hard at work writing and filming a BRAND NEW TALK- It is called The Fully Human Parent, and is all about how to protect and strengthen your mental health, and that of your children. It is a lot of fun, and as you will know with my talks, has a remarkable emotional impact.  The editors working on it said they were crying as they worked on the stories.   This talk is direct from my living room, with beautiful graphics and teaching segments to make it visually full of life. It teaches how to help your kids master their own minds, and know how to release anxiety, move through strong feelings safely, and grow their feeling of love and connection.   And be strong and know what is right for them, so they aren’t pushed or pulled by others around them.    It also teaches a strong spirituality that is applicable within or without religious traditions. So we invite you to the World Premiere of this talk,  on Thursday October 21st.  And as another world first, it is viewable in ANY TIME ZONE at the convenient time of 8 p.m.  regardless of where you live in the world. Teenagers might even enjoy it.  (It’s a bit intense for primary children) but MAINLY ITS FOR YOU, SO YOU CAN HAVE BETTER MENTAL HEALTH AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN HOW TO DO THAT TOO. The Fully Human Parent  -  Thursday 21st October 8.00 pm    Just $16.00 per family ticket.  Please tell your friends too! https://www.trybooking.com/BTQVT Sincerely, Steve and the teamOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting boys thru divorce is...challenging. Hard. Not fun. And also, important and worthy of your best effort. Unfortunately, most people going through divorce are not exactly in peak condition. Divorce and separation is all kinds of stressful, and it's near-impossible to be your best self when so much of your time and energy is focused on survival and figuring out what the &#*(^ happened to your relationship. Start by dialing back some the guilt. Reports that divorce is uniformly terrible for kids -- and especially so for boys -- have been greatly exaggerated, says Patrick Markey, PhD, co-author of F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes.  "For most children and adults, divorce is not going to be a thing that defines their lives," he says. "It's part of their lives and it's going to affect them forever, but it's not going to set them on a path of doom." 5 factors affect boys' response to divorce or separation: Financial situation Peer relationships Self-blame The parents' relationships with one another Parents' parenting styles "It's kind of like allergies: for most people, peanut butter is totally fine. But for some people with certain pre-existing conditions, they could have some troubling outcomes." Patrick says. "Divorce is the same way. For most kids, it's not going to be great, but they're going to get through it. But for some children with certain environmental circumstances, they might be more at risk for experiencing some problems." Your efforts to manage your emotions and build and maintain a functional relationship with your co-parent will go a long way to increasing your son's chances of thriving despite divorce. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Patrick discuss: Parenting boys thru divorce What research says regarding the impact of divorce on kids 5 factors that affect boys' response to divorce Interacting with your ex How to productively communicate with you ex Facilitating boys' connections with their fathers Dads who aren't great role models Helping kids deal with self-blame Teaching kids about healthy relationships Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: F*ck Divorce: A Science-Based Guide to Piecing Yourself Together After Your Life Implodes, by Patrick Markey & Erica Slotter -- Patrick's book Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- BuildingBoys blog post Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys - BuildingBoys blog post What About Less-Than-Ideal Role Models? -- BuildingBoys blog post (relevant to conversation at 22:54) Kate & Jon Gosselin Missed this Memo -- BuildingBoys blog post How the War on Violent Video Games is Hurting Your Son -- BuildingBoys blog post featuring an interview with Patrick, about his book, Moral Combat: Why the War on Violent Video Game is Wrong Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is healthy sports parenting possible? At elite levels of competition? If you watched the 2020 summer Olympics (held summer 2021), you know that the stress & strain of elite competition was a big focus this year. Simone Biles had the “twisties.” Michael Phelps talked about his bouts with depression. A few months after the Olympics, Biles and other former Olympians testified (again) about the abuse they suffered at the hands of former team doctor Larry Nassar.  We  wondered, Is it possible for a child to attain athletic greatness without suffering? Can parents' protect young athletes' physical and mental health when so many value "wins" over well-being? It is, says Jeanette Hurt, a Milwaukee-based writer and parent of a young gymnast and diver. From a young age, her son had "an intense need to move," she says. His early forays into sports -- baseball, swimming, gymnastics -- were positive. But when he started showing talent in gymnastics and moved up to working out with older gymnasts, Jeanette noticed some disturbing signs. "Quinn started developing some tics; he was having a really rough time," Jeanette says. After her son told her that an older athlete on the team assigned physical punishment to her son for "not paying attention," Jeanette talked to a sports psychologist who pointed her toward safesport.org, which outlines abusive vs. healthy coaching practices. Red flags that may indicate abusive coaching include: Coaches insulting youth athletes A child who is crying or doesn't want to go to practice Coaches who insist the child focuses on a single sport, despite other interests Jeanette pulled her son out of that program and encourages other sports parents to "trust your gut." Today, her son is thriving. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Jeanette discuss: Recognizing - & responding to -- abusive coaching Supporting young athletes' physical and mental health When to let an athlete quit The role of sports parents Recognizing signs of athleticism in young boys Should you reward kids of athletic achievements? Discovering your son's superpowers Preventing & managing sports injuries Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Healthy Sports Parenting Starts with These Tips -- Chicago Health article by Jeanette (mentioned at 5:04) safesport.org -- website mentioned at 6:28 jeanettehurt.com -- Jeanette's website, featuring links to her books Coaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episode The Vein of Gold: A Journey to Your Creative Heart, by Julia Cameron -- book mentioned at 16:32 #HeySportsParents: An Essential Guide for Any Parent with a Child in Sports, by Sharkie Zartman and Dr. Robert Weil -- book mentioned at 18:09Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boy moms make the most effective boy advocates.  That's a lesson Gemma Gaudette learned early on. Gaudette, the host of Idaho Matters on Boise State Public Radio and the mom of 2 sons, ages 13 and 9, didn’t really understand the challenges boys face in the world until she had sons. Now, she believes that moms of boys need to advocate on their behalf. "If we don't stand up for our boys, no one else will," Gaudette says.  When her boys started elementary school, Gaudette realized that many adults misunderstood boys' physicality. "My one son missed a week of recess in the first grade -- in the first grade! -- for playing Tag too rough," she says. "Yet the girls who were involved did not miss recess." By second grade, her younger son -- who has ADHD -- was labeled by teachers and educators as "a bad kid," she says. That was when she realized that "boys are being put into these boxes of how they're supposed to be and how they're supposed to behave," Gaudette says, while girls are allowed more fluidity. "I'm so happy that girls are allowed this fluidity, to be rough and tumble, to be sweet, to be all of these things, and I think we're still struggling with that with our boys," she says. "We have to do a better job of allowing boys as much fluidity as girls." Boys moms are perfectly positioned to advocate for true gender equity. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Gemma discuss: How adult misunderstanding of boys creates problems Boys' experiences in elementary school Implicit bias and gender stereotypes Double standards that harm boys & girls The societal narrative that paints boys as potential predators Why moms must speak out against implicit bias against boys Male development vs. female development Working towards gender equity for all Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Boys -- CBSN documentary featuring Jen & Gemma (mentioned at 2:15) Is There a "Right" Way to Talk to Your Kids About Coronavirus? -- Janet on Gemma's show, Idaho Matters ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude - ON BOYS episode mentioned by Gemma at 2:45 Dr, Michele Borba Knows How to Help Boys Thrive -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 37:01 Gorilla of Pain -- Gemma's son's YouTube channel. Here's one of our favorite videos: Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Like it or not, your son will probably become sexually active at some point.  Do you... a) buy him condoms? b) let his romantic interest stay over? c) say ABSOLUTELY NOT to sleep over requests? d) freak out? Or....???? Note: there are no "right" answers to these questions. Each family has their own values regarding sex, and each of our sons is a unique human being.  -- which means that we each have to grapple with these questions. Today's guests are Dick and Dennie, a brother and sister who are each parenting young adults. They helped steer their teens through crushes, dating and relationships. They made some different choices along the way, but the children of each are doing well and their parent/child relationships remain strong. "Our parting gift to all of our kids, as we're leaving their college room, is the value-pack of condoms," Dennie says. "Whether it was our daughter or our 3 boys. We would say, "listen, even if you're not using them, if your friend needs it, hand 'em out." Dick admits to thinking about male and female sexuality differently. "I am aware, and have been for a long time, that I have 2 different perspectives on the way I think about sex for my boys and they way I think about sex for my daughter," he says. "It's not really a double standard; it's just a distinctly different perspective." He shared stories of his teenage experiences with his sons. "I think the most important and most valuable thing that I've done with my boys in particular, that I think was really a service to them -- they didn't like it, but I think it really was very good -- is I talked with them about what it's like to be a high school boy and what I was like as a high school boy and what happened to me." He admitted to his sons that he had "no idea what was going on" during his first consensual sexual experience. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Dick & Dennie discuss: Unpacking family values regarding sex The role of your child's pediatrician in sex ed Setting family rules re dating and relationships First sexual relationships Tackling our own fears and hang-ups re talking about sex Helping teenage boys understand the power of sexual urges Discussing consent -- & ensuring boys' understand their legal vulnerability Teaching respect for others Supporting kids' evolving relationships as they mature Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang -- ON BOYS episode Boundaries & Consent (w Sarah Casper) -- ON BOYS episode Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic Building Boys postOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is your son musical?  Yes, he is -- even if hates singing, doesn't play an instrument, and acts up in music class. Human beings are inherently musical creatures, according to Joan Koenig, author of The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole. In her book, Joan says that music: Helps develop vital physical coordination Fine-tunes our speech & hearing Reinforces memory Builds a practice of creative things Creates pleasure & connection Unfortunately, many of us adults, particularly in the Western world, have learned that music is for "musicians," when, in reality, we're all musical. Children naturally move to music. Cultures worldwide, across space and time, have used music to teach, connect, and express. "Music engages more than words," Joan says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Joan discuss: Why kids need to make music How music helps kids develop essential skills When (and how) to make music with your child Why music should be part of school curriculum (spoiler alert: kids learn best via music & movement!) How stereotypes affect boys' involvement in music Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Musical Child: Using the Power of Music to Raise Children Who Are Happy, Healthy, and Whole, by Joan Koenig joankoenig.com -- Joan's website How to Deal with a Troublemaker -- BuildingBoys blog post (mentioned at 18:45)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

If you attended Seth Perler's TEFOS summit -- The Executive Function Online Summit -- and want more info, you're in the right place. (And if you missed the summit, no worries! You can still access recordings, and you'll get a lot from this podcast episode as well.) We first talked to Seth Perler about executive function in April 2021, and what he said was so foundational, so important for parents of boys with ADHD and other executive function challenges that we've decided to share it again. Some gems: “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing – and one thing only – and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION.” and “You have to understand the experience these boys are having. They’ve been asked to do these things so many time and they’ve failed or it’s been ‘not good enough;’ they’ve been told to re-do it, or ‘you didn’t put your name on it” or ‘it’s late so you’re getting a zero’ so many times.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don’t struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren’t effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) “catch up” When (& how) to reach out to your son’s teacher How to deal with resistance Why it’s OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com — Seth’s website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude — ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys – ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck — TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function — Seth’s video/blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Amy Lang is our go-to sex ed expert. She's a mom of a son and she's not afraid to talk frankly about sex, pornography, relationships and consent. Our January 2021 conversation with Amy -- all about how keep boys safe online -- was so enlightening and informative that we've decided to run it again. Some gems: “All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making. If we don’t get in the door early, our impact is less. It’s really important to establish yourself as their go-to person.” and “I think it’s way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) – ON BOYS episode http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents — use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% Just Say This! – Amy’s podcast Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang BREAKTHROUGH session w JanetOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Meghan Leahy is one of our favorite parenting experts. Her advice is grounded in experience (she's got 3 kids and is a parenting columnist for the Washington Post), understanding (again: she's got 3 kids!), and compassion (like the rest of us, she's exhausted and overwhelmed). She's honest, engaging and an absolute hoot. Her latest book, Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child, was published just over a year ago -- so we thought this would be a good time to re-visit our conversation with her, which we originally released in September 2020. (You know, just as most of us were freaking out over the beginning of a very unconventional school year.) Some gems: “I haven’t yet found a parent who’s really changed their parenting based on ‘studies say,' I’ve never told a parent, ‘Well, studies say if you don’t yell, your kid will be happier,’ and had the parent say, ‘oh my god, I didn’t know that! Now I’ll stop yelling.'” and  “Strategies are neither here nor there. One may work; one may not. But if the underpinning of compassionate, boundaried connection isn’t there, it doesn’t matter.” In this episode, Jen, Janet & Meghan Leahy discuss: The importance of connection Learning to trust yourself How modern culture has made parenting more difficult Why it’s OK to not know what to do What to do when your son doesn’t want to do an activity he once loved Parenting during the pandemic The link between kindness and resilience Screen time (and why you need to look at your screen habits before tackling your kids’ screen time) How to enjoy parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child — Meghan’s book Meghan’s Washington Post On Parenting columns mlparentcoach.com — Meghan’s website How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert — ON BOYS episode mentioned at 07:11 The Neufield Institute — courses, events and resources from Gordon Neufield, PhD (mentioned at 8:47) Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne and Kim Ross — book mentioned at 16:07 My Suddenly Sedentary Teen Seems Stuck. How Much Should I Push Him to Move? — Meghan’s column about the soccer player (mentioned at 17:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.    will you check the beginning to make sure it lines up okay?  thank you!!  and we should let her know it's going live, too...  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Yes, you can thrive with chronic illness and special needs. In fact, you can create a Very Happy Story no matter what challenges you're dealing with on the home front. Liza Blas, a mom of two, created the Very Happy Stories podcast and blog after realizing that her overwhelm was overwhelming her family. She also realized that not talking about her family's challenges -- ADHD, depression, chronic illness, anxiety, suicidal ideation -- was not helpful. "As a mom, you have a tendency to put up a protective barrier and isolate," Blas says, often due to shame, embarrassment and fear of judgment. "But when you share your story, even with just one person, you're helping other people bring down walls. You provide validation and community. Nothing can connect you with another person better than storytelling." She urges overwhelmed parents to practice self-care, which she describes as essential to gaining clarity. "You can't tap into your intuition when you've got your head in the sand," Liza says. "Trusting your gut requires you to be in the present moment." Also important: breaks! Navigating the unknown -- an uncertain diagnosis or treatment plan or worldwide pandemic -- requires mental endurance. You simply cannot sustain focus, concentration and patience indefinitely. Take breaks, and then jump back in. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Liza discuss: The power of storytelling to create connections and decreases stress Parenting kids with special needs, including ADHD, depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorder and chronic illness Discovering/realizing your child has special needs Moving past shame, fear & denial Self-care to gain clarity Adapting your parenting playbook to your child Finding your happiness Managing grief Developing mental endurance Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Very Happy Stories -- Liza's podcast & website Let's Talk about Our Boys: Are Your Raising a Disrupter? -- Very Happy Stories episode featuring Janet & Jen Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son! ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder with Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Depression and Anxiety in Boys -- ON BOYS episodeOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do you with troubled boys? With boys who are failing school, sneaking off, and using substances? Boys who have resisted disciplinary efforts and redirection? That's the question at the heart of Kenneth R. Rosen's latest book, Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs. There are no easy answers to that question but Ken's book makes one thing abundantly clear: sending your son away to a camp or program for troubled children probably won't help. In fact, sending troubled boys away may make things worse. "I remember feeling so different, so lost, and so tossed aside by all the people that were supposed to mentor me and guide me through a very difficult time," Ken says, a former "troubled teen" who spent years in residential treatment programs. By the time a boy's behavior is so disruptive that his parents and others are considering "sending him away," the family unit has likely been "broken for many, many years," says Ken. Lack of communication and lack of trust in parents and family are often the root causes that drive children toward alcohol, drugs and disruptive behavior. Kids who aren't thriving (or, frankly, even meeting basic expectations) in traditional educational environments may require a different approach  -- but "different" doesn't have to mean boarding school or wilderness camp. Meeting kids' needs within their communities, while helping them (re)connect with family can be life-changing. That kind of support, however, is rarely available. More available are educational consultants who funnel families toward (pricey) residential treatment centers, "camps," and "spas" that are presented as a "one-stop fix" for troubled children. That, Ken says, should be parents' first warning sign, as complex problems cannot be solved with a single solution. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ken discuss: How gender stereotypes can negatively affect our parenting Family dynamics' influence on kids' behavior The need for community support of families and children How too many boundaries can hinder kids Why alternative education options are necessary The power of listening The problems with many wilderness and residential treatment programs (spoiler: many are not actually accredited) Legislative efforts to regulate programs aimed at troubled kids and families What to look for when considering behavior modification programs (and red-flags to watch for!) The power of committed, non-judgmental love Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Troubled: The Failed Promise of America's Behavioral Treatment Programs -- Ken's book kennethrrosen.com -- Ken's website Traditional School Isn't Always the Way to Go, and I Wish My Parents Would Have Seen That Earlier -- Washington Post article by Ken Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When we become parents, someone really should hand us a book that details, exactly, how to NOT raise an a-hole.  Karen Alpert (of the blog Baby Sideburns), a mom of two and author of Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids, recognizes that parents are terrified of inadvertently raising assholes. "It is definitely one of my big fears," she says. "I don't want to raise a kid that's an a-hole. All the sexting and scary stuff and  male chauvinism and racism  - I'm trying to hard to teach my kids that stuff shouldn't be part of their lives." But she knows there are no guarantees. And she starts her book by stating that babies are, almost by definition, a-holes. (Think about it: They scream when they need something. They don't care about your sleep or your needs or anything but their own comfort.) "It is our job as parents to get the a-hole-y-ness out of them," Karen says. "We have 18 years. It is our job to send them out into the world in the best way possible." We can do that by seizing random and ordinary moments. "Kids are like clay," Karen says. "Everything we do contributes to shaping them." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Karen discuss: Parents' secret fear Bullying How parenting approaches evolve as kids grow Teaching kids to be considerate Seizing opportunities to teach values Revisiting conversations Teaching kids to be anti-racist How to teach kids important lessons while being creative and fun "Boys will be boys" Resisting gender stereotypes & expectations 20 ways to make your kids more creative Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mamas, Don't Let Your Kids Grow Up to be A-Holes: Unfiltered Advice on How to Raise Awesome Kids -- Karen's latest book I Heart My Little A-Holes: A Bunch of Holy Crap Moments No One Ever Told You About Parenting -- Karen's first book babysideburns.com -- Karen's blog Just Don't be an Asshole (w Kara Kinney Cartwright) -- ON BOYS episode How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic BuildingBoys postOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Michele Borba knows how to help boys thrive. She's a "boy mom" -- a mother of 3 grown sons, educational psychologist, and the author of Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine. Many boys are stressed but don't tell their parents because "they don't want to hurt us," Dr. Borba says. They want and need coping skills, and aren't getting what they need from school social-emotional learning (SEL) programs. And they're really worried about "flunking life." It's time for parents to pivot and refocus their parenting efforts. The first step, Dr. Borba says, is to prioritize mental health. The second step is to convince ourselves that it's possible to teach resilience. Then we can turn our attention to... 7 Character Strengths That Will Help Boys Thrive These 7 teachable character strengths can help children thrive, Dr. Borba says  -- and inoculate them against peer pressure and bullying and allow them become peak performers in the classroom: Confidence. You can build your son's confidence by focusing more on his strengths than his weaknesses. Empathy. Boys may exhibit empathy differently than girls. They may take a more cognitive than emotional approach, and that's OK, Dr. Borba says. Self-control. "Every boy I interviewed said, 'That's what we need!'" Dr. Borba says. But boys don't want only touchy-feeling stuff. They want to learn a repertoire of self-regulation techniques so they can choose what works for them in the moment. Integrity. A boy needs a strong moral code so that "when peer pressure comes, he doesn't have to waver," Dr. Borba says. Curiosity. "Thrivers are  open to ideas and possibilities, so when a problem comes -- and it will -- they don't quit; they brainstorm," Dr. Borba says. Perseverance, or the ability to keep going, even without external rewards. Optimism. Boys need to be solidly grounded in reality, but they also need to know how to find the silver lining. Adding two or more of these skills together amplifies their impact, Dr. Borba says. (In other words: your son doesn't need all 7 character strengths to thrive!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Borba discuss: What kids think parents should focus on The disconnect between many parenting book & what science has discovered about raising resilient, capable humans 3 things that help kids thrive in spite of adversity 7 characters strengths that help boys thrive How hobbies help boys Identifying your son's interests How to tell if your son's video game use if problematic or healthy How to NOT hinder your son's interests Redirecting pessimistic thoughts Instilling hope Empowering boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: micheleborba.com -- Dr. Borba's website Thrivers: The Surprising Reasons Why Some Kids Struggle and Others Shine  -- Dr. Borba's latest book What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide -- ON BOYS episode featuring Katey McPherson (mentioned at 11:26) Dr. Phil episode featuring Dr. Borba & Thrivers Addiction Inoculation w Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 22:32 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ever wished you had a guide to raising boys? A manual you can consult when your tween son confuses and frustrates you? Now, one exists -- and it's Jen's first book! The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys: A Practical Guide to Your Son's Formative Years, by Jennifer L.W. Fink, was released on July 6, 2021. It's a handbook that's intended to help moms navigating the tween years (approximately ages 8-12) for the very first time. Janet says Jen "interprets a complex subject in a way that's wise, fun & reassuring." This book helps moms (& dads) understand male development and the challenges boys face in the world, and then teaches them skills and strategies they can use as they parent their tween sons. Listening, Jen says, is key. "If you don't express an openness or willingness to listen to your son's viewpoint, he's not going to listen to yours," she says. "Remember that you have different perspectives. When it comes to social issues, your son does not know what happened 20, 30, 50, 100 years before he was born. So you have important perspective that you can share with him. But at the same time, you don't know what his daily experience is like. You don't fully understand what's happening in schools, what it's like to be a kid today. If you can remain open and curious to each other's perspective, you can learn from each other." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The unique skillset required to parent boys Why the tween years are so challenging for moms "Unlearning" parenting How our childhood experiences affect our parenting Talking about tough subjects with your son, including divorce, relationship conflict, addiction, mental illness, racism & violence The importance of intergenerational relationships Prioritizing mental health When to worry Boys' experience of shame & embarrassment Helping a boy expressing self-hatred Preparing boys to handle sexual pressure Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The First-Time Mom's Guide to Raising Boys -- Jen's first book Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post The Inside Scoop on Parenting Tween Boys -- a very early conversation between Jen & Janet Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- Building Boys post that includes the deodorant-in-freezer pic mentioned at 7:08 Addiction Inoculation with Jessica Lahey -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 15:42 How to Raise a Feminist Son with Sonora Jha -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 17:23 Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting a child with ADHD or neurodivergence can be challenging. Especially if you're also neurodivergent. "When my youngest son was about 3 weeks old, he started crying and it really never stopped," says Rachel Blatt, co-host of the podcast Constant Chaos. At first, they thought it was colic, but visits to multiple gastrointestinal specialists didn't help. When he wasn't yet talking (at all) at age 2, "a wonderful teacher" suggested having the child evaluated. The family schedule an appointment -- and felt a "huge sense of relief" when the evaluator told them, "there something going on here." At age 4, Rachel's son was diagnosed with ADHD. Soon after, Rachel realized her older son exhibited ADHD symptoms as well. And eventually, she was diagnosed with ADHD as well. Parenting books did not prepare her for the experience of parenting her children. "You're supposed to stay calm," Rachel says -- but that's not easy to do when your boys are on the roof! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Rachel discuss: ADHD symptoms -- & how they can look different even in people within the same family The value of friends with kids just a little older than yours Figuring out what to worry about When to "drop the rope" in the tug-o-war with your kids ADHD & video game addiction Adjusting expectations The value of structure for individuals with ADHD Self-care Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Constant Chaos podcast The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children, by Dr. Ross Greene -- book mentioned at 30:36 ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode The Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's proven system to help you communicate with your sonOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

You may wonder, how do you raise a feminist son? Or you might be wondering, WHY would you raise a feminist son?  What if we phrased it this way: How do you raise boys who respect and value all humans? "The word feminist, all over the world, has taken on so many definitions and meanings," says Sonora Jha, author of How to Raise a Feminist Son. "To me, the best definition is still Gloria Steinem's: Feminism is the radical idea that women are people too." It is the idea that all humans are worthy of respect, coupled with recognition of the fact that not all humans are afforded respect yet. Welcome Media into Your Home - and "Gossip" Over It "Feminism for a boy growing into a man means recognizing those things and committing to changing them," Sonora says. It does not mean restricting his access to media or telling him what to think. Quite the contrary: Sonora, a media professor, invited all kinds of media into her family's home, treating media like a "cool aunt or uncle," and "gossiping" over it. She allowed her son to play Grand Theft Auto, a videogame some decry as overly violent and misogynistic, because her son talked about the game with her and recognized sexist tropes, largely because the mother/son duo had already spent years discussing media portrayals of men and women. Facilitate Family Connections Similarly, you can facilitate family connections without endorsing sexist or racist comments, actions, or beliefs. "You can say something like, 'I love Grandpa, but I don't love all the things he says,'" Sonora says, noting that family relationships (and humans!) are complex. Our boys are complex & growing humans too, so less-than-ideal behavior is assured. Your son will occasionally behave in hurtful or harmful ways, and he will not always appreciate your redirection. As Sonora wrote in her book, "Trying to insert the notion of error, or wrongness, of failure into the cocksureness demanded from young men is like asking a bull to sit down at a tea party after waiving a red cape in its face.”  Give your boys grace. Give some to yourself as well. And remember that teaching your son to recognize and dismantle sexist structures is beneficial for all. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sonora discuss: The definition of feminism Raising boys who recognize privilege Using stories & fairytales to expand kids' understanding of gender How to welcome media into your family -- & then use it to connect with and teach your son Creating family connections despite differing family & cultural beliefs Talking to sons about your own #MeToo moments Discussing consent with boys How feminism helps boys & men Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Raise a Feminist Son: Motherhood, Masculinity, and the Making of My Family -- Sonora's book sonorajha.com -- Sonora's website Know My Name: A Memoir by Chanel Miller, mentioned at 35:21 The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post (with additional info re 14-year-old boys)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you have a highly sensitive boy? Perhaps your son has been called "too sensitive” or “too emotional.” Maybe he is easily overwhelmed, especially when he's surrounded by a lot of sensory stimuli.  Approximately 10% of all males are thought to be highly sensitive -- and often, others imply that they aren't "man enough." In a culture that's long valued stoicism in males, sensitivity is seen as a a liability. Except...emotional intelligence -- the ability to identify and process emotions -- is now recognized as key to human happiness, healthy relationships and even exemplary performance in the workplace. By age 5, William Allen understood very clearly that he was different. People told him to "man up" and that he "needed to be tougher." Their words and reactions to his emotions told him, in no uncertain terms, that he was not living up to the masculine ideal. And, like many highly sensitive people (HSP), William reacted strongly to criticism. He internalized it and assumed that people were laughing at him, for instance, rather than his ridiculous costume when he took the stage in a school play. William says parents can help their highly sensitive sons learn how to verbalize and test their internal thoughts. "As a parent, you're a trusted figure," he says. "You really don't know if an internal belief is true unless you're able to test it in the real world," William says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & William discuss: Characteristics of highly sensitive people The effect of criticism only highly sensitive boys Helping sensitive boys externalize thoughts and test ideas Positive attributes associated with high sensitivity Why highly sensitive boys are prone to overwhelm, temper tantrums and meltdowns The link between sensitivity & empathy Creating a calm environment for your sensitive child Expanding the definition of masculinity to make space for sensitive boys & men Highly sensitive heroes Helping sensitive boys deal w peer pressure Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Highly Sensitive Person -- website recommended at 12:07 Confessions of a Sensitive Man: An Unconventional Defense of Sensitive Men, by William Allen The Sensitive Man -- William's blog Sensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) -- ON BOYS episode You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias & Sensitive Boys  -- ON BOYS listener Q & A Shameless -- TV show mentioned by Jen at 17:17 Outlander - TV show mentioned by William at 28:00 Why I Want My Boys to be Just Like Pa -- classic Building Boys post referencing Pa Ingalls, a highly sensitive man (at least as portrayed by Michael Landon!) Sponsor Spotlight: Prisma Prisma is an innovative online school for 4-8th graders who want an education tailored to their interests, abilities, and goals for the future. Fall registration is going on NOW.  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Having sons forced Tosha Schore to reevaluate everything she knew about boys. Schore, the daughter of a single mom, grew up stepped in the women's movement. As a  child, she attended marches and rallies for women's rights and, in college, she majored in Women's Studies. She was pregnant with her first child and sidelined with a bout of nausea when a startling thought popped into her head: What if I have a boy? The thought was "terrifying," Tosha said, noting that "it never even occurred" to her, before that moment, that she might have a son. After her son was born, Tosha was determined to be a strong advocate for him. And that, she knew, would require some learning. "I realized I was going to have to revisit some of the feminist ideology I was coming from because as much as I believe in it -- and still believe in it -- the ideology that I internalized painted boys and men as the 'other' and 'the bad guy,'" Tosha says. She soon realized that "boys get treated a certain way because of their perceived gender," just a girls do. "it's not fair to ignore that just because males, as they grow, still tend to hold more positions of power," Tosha says, noting that boys struggle in school. "I'm excited that we women have gained ground, but we're losing the boys along the way, and we're losing the men along the way. I think of feminism as bringing some equality to family systems. But that has not been what's happened in recent years. We get to raise boys differently." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tosha discuss: How feminism fuels Tosha's advocacy for boys Male gender expectations and stereotypes Boys' struggles in education Finding balance in family systems Making room for dad Cultural influences on gender expectations and experiences Why your son needs female friends Boys & aggression Raising boys who can feel & express emotions Separating behavior from personality Getting to the root of your fear regarding your son's behavior Listening as a powerful tool for healing Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: toshaschore.com -- Tosha's website Boy Talk Blueprint — Janet’s guide to better conversations w your son! Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, by Patty Whipfler & Tosha Schore (book mentioned at 27:43)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Steve Biddulph is a legendary parenting educator. He's the author of  The Secrets of Happy Children, Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men, and The New Manhood, among others. His latest book, Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind, isn't about child-rearing, though. It's a simple, working manual for being  human. "I wanted to write something that was a culmination of a lifetime of working with people," Steve says, noting that he also learned a lot while writing the book. He uses the metaphor of a 4-story mansion to explain the human experience: "Most people just live on a couple of floors," he says, "and they might complain about the accommodations. But there might be a really great ground floor that you haven't checked out -- that's your intuitive sense in your body -- and a fantastic roof garden that's open to the sky and stars, and that's our spirituality." Our bodies are intimately connected to our brains, and our bodies, like those of other wild creatures, can sense and respond to all kinds of stimuli. "There's a wild creature that lives inside you," Steve says. "We haven't lost any of the abilities of the eagle or the brown bear or salmon swimming upstream." We need to learn to heed and act on our supersense and intuition. A wise mama who was aware of this connection told her teenage that "sometimes our body sends us messages when our brain and our heart are in a complete spin, and our body knows what is right or wrong for us." Those words helped her teen make a wise choice, and they can help you as you confront the challenges of parenting as well. In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss: What is a human being? The brain and body's ability to take in lots of info & process it -- and how learning to listen to our bodies will help us live fuller lives Our "supersense" Learning to listen to your body The root of self-esteem The power of emotions Why conversations with your kids are so important How wonder, awe & nature help us modulate our emotions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home Fully Human: A New Way of Using Your Mind by Steve Biddulph -- Steve's new book Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's subscription newsletter Boy Talk Blueprint -- Janet's guide to better conversations w your son!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

 Is future-focused parenting the key to raising adults? Yes, says Deana Thayer and Kira Dorrian, parent coaches and co-hosts of the Raising Adults podcast. "It's not about raising boys; it's about raising men," Kira says. "Who are these men we want our boys to become? How do we want them to walk through the world, and what do we have to be doing right now to foster that?" Future-focused parenting, Deana says, helps parents "make the decision that's best, rather than the one that's easy." It's a thoughtful, deliberate approach to parenting vs the all-too-common reactive approach utilized by many parents. The 3 pillars of future focused parenting are: Parent from a strong "why." Boil your "why" down to a word or short phrase, if you can. (Deana is working to "raise adults who are people of character and integrity." Kira is aiming for "mentally healthy and happy" adults.) Get clear on your family's personal set of values. There's no right or wrong here; every family's list will be different. Aim to identify 5-10 values that will really matter in your home. (Kira's list includes "empathy.") Post the list in a public place and parent toward them. Take a proactive approach. Understanding child development & the milestones ahead helps you prepare. You can also "rehearse" challenging situations to help them develop the skills they'll need to navigate those situations. ("When we give our kids a chance to practice, they are so much more likely to meet our expectations," Kira says.) In this episode, Jen, Janet, Deana & Kira discuss: Leading with your vocabulary (how what you say impacts what you do) Why you might not want to call your son your "little man" Breaking free of harmful family patterns The 3 pillars of future focused parenting Blended families & co-parenting (yes, you can be a future-focused parent, even if your ex isn't) Adapting future-focused parenting to older kids Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Future Focused Parenting -- Deana & Kira's website Raising Adults podcast bit.ly/raisingadults -- link to get the FREE video & 12 months of character building support How to Raise a Decent Human Being -- classic Building Boys post Putting Your Boys on Their Best Path for Success in Adulthood -- Building Boys post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

School + nature = forest schools Image: Laine Photos and Film "A forest school is holistic education outdoors in nature," says Nicki Farrell, co-founder of Wildings Forest School in Queensland, Australia. Learning doesn't typically follow set curriculum; rather, it's child-led. Education is individualized and play-based and includes plenty of movement. The kids who struggle the most in traditional schools -- wiggly, can't sit still, can't focus -- are often those who thrive in nature. "Children are meant to be experimenting and testing their bodies, learning how far they can push their bodies," Nicki says. "They can't do that, frankly, without free play." Unfortunately, ours is a risk-adverse culture. Many children spend 95% of their time supervised, and adults often quash kids' initiative. "There's too many adults in our cultures now that say, 'be careful, don't do that, that's too risky, stop that' because they are putting their own concerns on the risky play, rather than letting a child experiment," Nicki says. And that can negatively impact child development. "We know that boys, in particular, that self-worth is what brings out self-confidence, and they're constantly seeking self-worth -- and that can be in minute tasks," Nicki says. "But those really basic life skills, if you've got those -- if you know how to light a fire and you know how to build shelter and find water -- then they know they can survive anywhere, and that is a deep, deep sense of self-worth." In this episode, Janet & Nicki discuss: What is a forest school? Why & how kids of all ages can benefit from this approach to education The value of risk Building self-worth & self-confidence via survival skills confidence How having her own boys caused Nicki to question everything she knew about education The benefits of forest school for kids with ADHD, autism and sensory disorders Why behavior issues at forest school are almost non-existent (Hint: it has NOTHING to do with self-selection!) The history of forest schools Getting comfortable in nature if you don't have much nature experience Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wildings Forest School Richard Louv on Animals, Nature & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Camping with Kids -- classic BuildingBoys blog post FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet -- parenting help!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Males represent 25-40% of individuals with eating disorders. That’s not something people tell us when our boys are babies, and it’s not something most pediatricians mention at well-child checks -- despite the fact that males are at a higher risk of dying from an eating disorder than females. "We have this notion that only a certain type of a person gets an eating disorder," says Oona Hanson, a parent coach and Family Mentor at Equip, an eating disorder program. But that's simply not true. People of all ages, races, backgrounds and genders can develop disordered eating or exercise habits. Unfortunately, because anorexia and bulimia have been stereotypes as "white girl diseases," boys who develop an eating disorder "are even less likely to speak up about it," Oona says. Like girls and women, boys and men face a lot of pressure to look a certain way. They are assaulted daily with images and messaging which implies that "real guys" are buff, strong, lean and muscular. Some turn to supplements, excessive exercise and disordered eating in an attempt to reshape their body. Symptoms of an eating disorder may include: Turning away once-favorite foods Obsessively reading food labels Attempts to manipulate body size, weight or muscle mass via food restriction or obsessive exercise "Sneaky" eating or eating in secret If you see possible signs of an eating disorder, "get curious," Oona says. Talk to your son about what you see. Listen to his answers. If needed, reach out to his pediatrician, family doctor or an eating disorders professional. Oona Hanson, Family Mentor with Equip eating disorder program In this episode, Jen & Oona discuss: Diet culture Boys & body image Weight stigma & anti-fat bias Helping boys decipher information about nutrition, diets and supplements How building boys' media literacy can improve their health as well Bigorexia What to do if you think your son might have an eating disorder How parents can unwittingly set their kids up for unhealthy eating habits - & what to do instead Boys' appetite & body development during puberty How ADHD meds interfere with hunger cues and eating Intuitive eating Why you should not restrict your son's access to Halloween candy Finding a healthcare provider who can help your son Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: OonaHanson.com -- Oona's website Boys & Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Teen Boys Eat A Lot - classic Building Boys post Male Eating Disorders are Often Underdiagnosed - and Dangerous -- Tulsa Kids article Need Help? Check out these sites: National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) Multi-Service Eating Disorders Association (MEDA) National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can you prevent addiction? Or alcoholism?  After all, no one dreams of taking their son to rehab. Or arguing with him, repeatedly, about his use of pot, alcohol or meth. When our babies are little, we tell ourselves that if we do everything right, our sons can avoid alcoholism and addiction. But that’s simply not true.  24% of 8th graders have had at least 1 drink by 8th grade. -- and about 50% of those drink heavily. Boys may be particularly at risk: according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse, children who struggle in school when they are between ages 7-9 are more likely to be using addictive substances by age 14 or 15.   Genetics account for approximately 50-60% of an individual's risk of developing a substance use disorder. But no matter your sons' genetic legacy, the positive parenting strategies you use to help your son thrive can also protect him from substance use disorder. "Genetics is not destiny," says Jessica Lahey, author of The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence . "What I want people to understand is that if we know the risks, and are really clear-eyed about the risks, we can more specifically target our prevention." Inoculation theory, Jessica says, tells us that teaching our kids, empowering them, and building their self-efficacy skills can effectively decrease their chances of succumbing to peer pressure -- especially if we also teach them "scripts" they can use to gracefully decline substances. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jessica discuss: Risk for factors of addiction and substance use disorders Balancing a child's risk of developing substance use disorder with protective factor The role of silence and dishonestly is perpetuating substance use disorders How (or IF) to talk about your use drug or substance use The link between trauma, adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and addiction How to talk about substance use with kids of all ages Helping your child resist peer pressure & say no Explaining the difference between adult alcohol and substance use and child/adolescent use How teens weigh risk (Spoiler: they weigh the possible positive consequences of substance use more heavily than the possible negative consequences) How puberty, drugs, & alcohol affect kids' brain chemistry Why saying "yes" to novel or risky activities may decrease the chances of your boys using substances Should you let kids drink with the family? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence, by Jessica Lahey The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Can Learn to Let Go So Their Children Success -- Jessica's 2016 New York Times best-selling book jessicaleahy.com -- Jessica's website; includes links to to her upcoming (virtual) speaking gigs CDC info on ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) -- discussed at 9:40 The Deepest Well: Healing the Long-Term Effects of Childhood Adversity, by Nadine Burke Harris (mentioned at 10:40) To Raise a Boy (w Emma Brown) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 12:35) Boys & Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:23)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Does your son have a problem with executive function? Let's put it another way.... Does he struggle with homework, procrastination, time management, or lack of motivation? Does he have ADHD? If so, he probably needs help developing his executive functioning. “If you want to help a kid who is struggling with homework, grades, procrastination, under acheivement, time management, and motivation, you have to understand ONE thing - and one thing only - and that’s EXECUTIVE FUNCTION," says Seth Perler, a former struggling student who now helps others as an executive function, ADHD, and 2e coach.  Boys who have executive function challenges typically struggle in two areas: Schoolwork and responsibilities, Seth says. And parents who are distressed at their sons' lack of achievement aren't necessarily helicopter parents. Intuitively, parents realize that if boys can't figure out how to get stuff done, their future options dwindle. But simply nagging these boys won't help. In fact, nagging often makes things worse. "You have to understand the experience these boys are having," Seth says. "They've been asked to do these things so many time and they've failed or it's been 'not good enough;' they've been told to re-do it, or 'you didn't put your name on it'' or 'it's late so you're getting a zero' so many times." Unfortunately, there are no quick fixes for these challenges. But you CAN build your son's skills. Pay attention to these 3 things: Systems. Children with executive function problems need direct instruction to develop a system of planning, of organization, a homework system, etc. Mindset. You can help your son move past his resistance mindset and help him develop a "can do" attitude. Habits and routines. After you've helped your son develop systems and adjust his mindset, you can help him establish systems and routines to get stuff done. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Seth discuss: What is executive function? Why boys with executive function challenges don't struggle with Legos, video games or other activities they enjoy Why punishments & rewards aren't effective motivation strategies Establishing reasonable expectations Helping kids who are behind (on turning in assignments, etc) "catch up" When (& how) to reach out to your son's teacher How to deal with resistance Why it's OK for your son to aim for a D (vs. a B) Exploring other educational options Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sethperler.com -- Seth's website ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt, the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Twice Exceptional (2e) Boys - ON BOYS episode Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck -- TED talk The Shame of ADHD and Executive Function -- Seth's video/blog post, mentioned at 33:10 The Executive Function Online Summit -- summit mentioned  at 39:19 (scheduled for Aug. 20-22, 2021)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How DO you homeschool boys? Trying to recreate school-at-home doesn’t work for most boys -- as so many families found out during the pandemic. And placing your life and career on hold while you educate your kids isn't exactly practical either.  Linsey Knerl, a freelance writer and mother of six (including 5 boys!), says it's possible to homeschool boys without losing your mind or your career.  "The secret is to not pretend that you aren't still doing life while you're homeschooling. Embrace the fact that letting your messy life be part of the education actually helps equip your child to be a more healthy, productive, and functional adult," says Linsey, author of the recently-released book Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job or Your Mind. If you're just getting started homeschooling, Lindsey recommends starting with one subject -- and it doesn't even have to be an academic one, like Math or Science or Reading. To start, you can simply dive into one of your son's interests. Honesty is crucial to successful homeschooling, Linsey says. "You have to be really honest. You have to look at your flaws and see what's not working and look at your children and see what they need help with," she says. That kind of introspection and self-reflection can be overwhelming, but also so beneficial for our boys and families. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lindsey discuss: The secret to happy homeschooling How homeschooling builds family bonds Discovering (and developing) your son's strengths The socialization question Homeschooling in a small house Getting started homeschooling De-schooling Dealing with fears of falling behind Helping boys learn to read A "typical" homeschool day Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Homeschool Hacks: How to Give Your Kids a Great Education Without Losing Your Job (or Your Mind) -- Lindsey's book Overwhelmed by Homeschooling? I Was Too -- Building Boys blog post Homeschooling Boys -- Building Boys blog post How to Work from Home & Homeschool -- 2012 interview w Jen (back when she was a single parent homeschooling boys!) Novel Education for Boys - ON BOYS podcastOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What would happen if we based our education for boys on their interests?  The idea of crafting an education around a student's interests is a bit novel in today's world of standardized curriculum and tests. But the concept is sound. As parents (and educators) know, trying to force a child to learn something they don't find interesting or useful is an exercise in futility and frustration -- and trying to keep a child from doing something they're determined to do is equally frustrating. Some schools, in fact, have introduced personalized learning and Genius Hour  because educational leaders have recognized that students learn best when they're allowed to follow their own interests. "The number one problem with education for boys continues to be intrinsic motivation," says Tiffany Soyra, founder of the Novel Education Group (and the "personal educator" of Kylie and Kendall Jenner). Most students simply aren't motivated to learn what schools, teachers and parents think they should learn. So, Tiffany recommends supporting student's interests. A boy who's rebuilding an engine or tinkering with a snowmobile shouldn't be told, "put away that snowmobile and come inside and do 3 more hours of schoolwork," she says, as doing so will only discourage his passion and fuel his hatred for school, education and learning. Instead, parents (and educators) should embrace boys' interests. "Education and passion are one and the same," Tiffany says, and giving students more control over what they're learning can pay dividends. In practice, you may need to loosen up your academic expectations and broaden your definition of "learning.". If your son is consistently getting low scores on tests at school because he has text anxiety, and the school refuses to consider alternative methods for him to demonstrate his learning -- and you don't have the resources or ability to choose another school -- stop stressing about your son's test scores. Don't tell him to put aside his interests and buckle down with the books; instead, support his extracurricular interests. "Whatever activities he's doing outside of school will likely matter much more to his future than his test scores," Tiffany says. "Five years from now, that test won't matter," Janet agrees. "What matters is how he feels about himself, how he feels about the system that told him, 'you're not good enough; you're not capable.'" Positive reinforcement can counter many of the negative messages boys receive in school. "Continue to put the focus on the things they're doing right," Tiffany advises. And guess what? Colleges (even elite colleges) care more about kids' extracurricular activities, interests and passions than their GPA. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tiffany discuss: How interests and passions can fuel learning and education for boys Distance learning & homeschooling Out-of-the-box educational options for kids who don't fit the traditional school system Using video games for learning & coping How anxiety can interfere with school Advocating for your son's educational needs Developmentally appropriate (and inappropriate) education expectations Why you should let your son take snow days (even the school plans to hold school virtually) What to do about boys who are "behind" Why it's time to stop stressing about your son's GPA How to identify your son's interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Novel Education Group -- Tiffany's business Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- BuildingBoys blog post Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time -- BuildingBoys blog post Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.   Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can the K'Bro app help boys develop emotional resiliency? Yes, says K'Bro founder Patrina Mack, a mother of a son who was inspired by her son's school-inflicted emotional challenges. Importantly, she says, K'Bro is a boy-friendly, science-based support system that kids can use independently to cope with life's challenges. We've all heard the stats regarding childhood and teenage anxiety, depression, substance use and suicide. Anxiety, depression and suicide are up; substance use is down, somewhat, but still higher than we'd like. We parents want to help our sons avoid pain and trouble, if possible - and if that's not possible, we want to support them as we navigate through the tough times. But how can we help boys who won't talk with us? Who spend most of their time in their rooms and answer our queries with a single word or a grunt? And, who can boys turn to for support when, developmentally, they're turning away from their parents? Recognizing these challenges, Mack used her expertise in product development to create app to help boys (and girls) manage their emotional health. The resulting K'Bro app is "an emotional resiliency app that is addictingly fun to play while developing skills to manage difficulties in a child's life." It's "part game/part anonymous sharing/part knowledgebase" and it offers kids "a safe place to share... thoughts and emotions and get advice on how to deal with life's challenges." Downloading an app might seem like a counterintuitive approach to emotional development. After all, most parents (and teachers) complain that kids today spent too much time online, and many argue that kids need more in-person interactions rather than additional screen time. But think about it: most boys are already comfortable online. They'd rather disclose and discuss their emotions with a machine than with a human. And, they love video games, so an app that gamifies emotional development makes a whole lot of sense. Kids ages 14-16 were the most likely to download K'Bro when the app was advertised online, Patrina says. "If you think about it, it's not that surprising the app appeals to this age group. Puberty has hit, they're transitioning from middle school to high school -- it's a big period of upheaval, a point in time when kids are starting to think more and more for themselves as they separate and prepare for adulthood," she says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Patrina discuss: How learning challenges and school struggles can lead to anxiety and depression Why therapy isn't always the best choice to help boys navigate their emotions How K'Bro helps boys identify and process emotions and challenges Creating cultures of support How to get boys to use the K'Bro app Unschooling Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: YouROK - website all about K'Bro New App Helps Boys Develop Emotional Resiliency -- BuildingBoys blog postOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

ON BOYS podcast is now officially three years old. Our episodes have been downloaded more than 465,000 times -- with almost 314,000 of those downloads coming over the past year. Join us in this very "unplugged" episode, as we acknowledge the suffering and hardship of the past year, while also noting and celebrating our progress. "The fact that any us of us are still making progress toward our overall goals -- whether professional goals or personal goals, like raising a decent human -- speaks powerfully to how much we care, and how resilient we can be," Jen says. "Take a moment to acknowledge all of those things and the progress you've made." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Our origin story -- how ON BOYS podcast came to be Behind the scenes How podcasting is like parenting The exponential growth of ON BOYS How the coronavirus pandemic changed our lives The importance of community Our predictions for life after the pandemic Prioritizing self-care Jen's upcoming books Our future plans Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Introducing Co-hosts Janet & Jen -- our very first ON BOYS episode Building Boys FB group Boys Alive FB group A Revolution for Men & Boys -- ON BOYS episode featuring Charles Corprew (mentioned at 15:57) Building Boys Bulletin - Jen's weekly subscription newsletter Breakthrough Session -- FREE session with Janet Happy SECOND Anniversary to ON BOYS - episode mentioned at 28:34 (click for picture of Jen's pixie cut) Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead -- Brene Brown's podcasts (mentioned at about 37:15) Untamed, by Glennon Doyle -- book mentioned at 37:21Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

In her new book To Raise a Boy, author Emma Brown writes, "This is what I want for my son as he grows up: the ability to be himself without paying a social penalty."  [NOTE: This episode contains graphic descriptions of sexual violence from 16:30-21:30] That's what we want too. And we get frustrated sometimes because so many people don't even realize (or aren't willing to acknowledge) that boys and men face gender-specific issues too. We're hopeful that Brown's book will help move the needle because Brown, the investigative journalist who broke the Christine Blasey Ford/Brett Kavanaugh story, is brutally honest throughout the book. She not only shares heartbreaking detail about the reality of boys' lives today; she readily admits that she was previously unaware of the challenges faced by boys. She writes: Deep down, somewhere under my skin, I was holding onto some seriously wrongheaded assumptions -- ideas so ingrained that I did not even notice that, and that rendered boy as something less than human. "The path to this book really started when my son was 6 weeks old," Emma says. "I was home on maternity leave and the first Harvey Weinstein stories broke and MeToo stories were coming out, and I thought, 'Wow. How am I going to raise my son to be different than this?'" Her oldest child was a girl, and Emma realized she had all sorts of ideas about how to raise a girl who resists and challenges gender stereotypes and expectations. But as she pondered her son's future and researched the book, she realized that she "had never grappled with the idea that boys dealt with pressures, stresses and struggles in the same way that girls do around gender expectation," she says. "I wasn't familiar with a lot of the disparate outcomes between men and women or boys and girls before I started working on this book," Emma says, referring to the fact that males are 4 times more likely to die of suicide than females and more likely to experience poor physical health. "Learning about them sort of bowled me over. We do need to do better for boys." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Emma discuss: Gender expectations How shame harms & hinders boys How parents can help boys survive gender stereotyping Sexual violence against boys Helping boys navigate shifting gender norms Preparing boys for healthy relationships Why talking about boys' challenges should not be political Why Emma is hopeful for boys' future Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: To Raise a Boy: Classrooms, Locker Rooms, Bedrooms, and the Hidden Struggles of American Boyhood, by Emma Brown toraiseaboy.com -- includes links to Emma's book-related events & appearances. Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- Building Boys post (mentioned at 24:51) Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo -- ON BOYS episode Coaching Boys into Men -- violence prevention/healthy masculinity program discussed at 30:32 Gender Policy Council -- new council established by President Biden (mentioned at 32:35) Becoming a Man -- program referenced at 40:45Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Book of Dares: 100 Way for Boys to be Kind, Bold and Brave turns "dare culture" on its head.  As you likely know, boys live in a world in which status is never fixed; it’s dependent upon their ability to rise to the challenge, to dominate others and not back down from fights. That’s one reason why boys are so susceptible to challenges and dares  And that’s one reason why so many boys do stupid things. Remember the movie “A Christmas Story?” Flick’s tongue got stuck to the pole because he was double-dog- and then triple-dog dared. via GIPHY Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men (an organization that promotes healthy, respectful manhood), and Anna Marie Johnson Teague, chief communications officer of the organization, decided to use boys' susceptibility to dares to encourage important emotional growth. "When we set out to write this book, we spoke with thousands of boys around the world," Anna Marie says. "Boys unanimously agreed that dares are equally frightening and fascinating. So we decided to present 100 positive challenges that all promote healthy manhood, authenticity and gender equity." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Ted & Anna Marie discuss: Why boys tackle dares - including harmful ones The collective socialization of manhood The "man box" Helping boys navigate evolving gender expectations Encouraging empathy Talking about male privilege and white privilege (without boys feeling like they're part of the problem!) Developing emotional literacy How healthy manhood promotes mental health Introducing The Book of Dares to your son All done! Day 100 of Jen's 100-Day Dress Challenge Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Book of Dares: 100 Ways for Boys to be Kind, Bold and Brave -- Ted & Anna Marie's book Book of Dares Discussion Guide -- FREE resource to help you introduce and work though the book with your son Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Ted A Call to Men — includes helpful information & data, as well as links to their programs The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents — use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% How (& Why) to Start a Boys' Book Club -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 25:32Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Social media has been a lifeline during the pandemic. It can also destroy lives. In 2016, Ed Peisner's then-16-year-old son was viciously attacked in a social-media motivated assault -- which was filmed and uploaded to social media before his father even arrived on the scene. "It was just a typical Friday," Peisner says. "He was walking home from school and he'd called me and said he was going to stop at the local fast food restaurant and pick up some French fries." And then, life changed. "I got a phone call from one of Jordan's friends. He said, 'somebody punched Jordan'" says Peisner, who grabbed an ice pack and headed to the restaurant, expecting a bloody nose. Instead, he saw emergency vehicles - a fire truck, a police car, an ambulance. His son was in the back of the ambulance, with blood gushing out of his ear. Jordan spent the next 6 days in an ICU with a brain bleed. Meanwhile, the video of his attack went viral. "December 22, 2016 was the turning point in my life," Peinser says. "My life and my family's life changed forever that day." Jordan, thankfully, survived. His father channeled his anger, frustration and pain into educating families and legislators about social media. He founded the Organization for Social Media Safety, a consumer protection association, and worked with California legislators to pass the first law aimed at preventing social media-motivated violence. In this episode, Jen, Janet, Ed & Marc Berkman discuss: Social media-fueled violence Jordan's law - CA law that recognizes and penalizes social media-related violence Kids' thoughts re social media (Spoiler: They want limits) How parents can advocate for laws to protect children online Keeping kids safe online Why you should teach your kids to "block and report" inappropriate content   Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Organization for Social Media Safety -- organization founded by Ed Buckling the  Social Media Seatbelt -- FREE course offered by the Organization for Social Media Safety Which Apps are APPropriate? - ON BOYS episode Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World -- ON BOYS episode Keeping Boys Safe Online -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Heather Chauvin was dying to be a good mother. Her determination to get it *just right* was fueled by a sense of failure - and societal norms that define "good moms" as self-sacrificing. . 18 years old and single when her first child was born, Heather launched herself into parenting with gusto. She was determined to prove to herself (and others) that she was not a failure. Plus, mothering gave her a sense of purpose. Until it almost killed her. The run-down feeling she had wasn't simply due to parenting exhaustion; it was cancer. The budding entrepreneur and mom of three young boys realized she had to refocus her priorities. It was literally a matter of life and death. "I had to face everything," Heather says. "I felt like I was backed into a corner and there was nowhere to run. Then I realized: I have to run towards my fear, towards my guilt, towards my shame -- everything I'd been saying I didn't have time to look at,." Heather learned she had a lot more power and magic than she was giving herself credit for. She learned to take care of herself - and that everything else was easier when she respected herself and her needs. She began asking herself, "how do you want to feel?" and taking action toward her desired emotions. Now, she tells other moms how they can do the same. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Heather discuss: Societal expectations of "good mothers" How following "good mother" scripts can harm us Why the easy way is often the best way Prioritizing  your needs and passions Giving yourself permission to feel Energetic time management Learning from our kids Screentime management strategies How to not yell Emotional regulation Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin -- ON BOYS episode heatherchauvin.com –– Heather’s online home Mom is in Control — Heather’s podcast dyingtobeagoodmother.com -- website mentioned at 43:25; go here for Heather's FREE 20-page workbook Sponsor Spotlight:  Dr. Mary’s “Overcoming Childhood Anxiety” course — SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listenersOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Humans are hard-wired to connect with other species, says Richard Louv, author of Our Wild Calling: How Connecting with Animals Can Transform Our Lives -- and Save Theirs and Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder. The loneliness that so many of us (& our boys) are feeling right due is certainly due to pandemic-related restrictions and lockdowns, but also due to our increasing disconnection from the natural world. "The farther we get from the natural world, the lonelier we get," Louv says. The solution: engage with nature. "There's this great conversation going on around us all the time -- of birds, of the coyote that walks through your backyard, the animals that we run into on our hikes, and also our pets," Louv says. "We can hear or sense or be in that conversation if we pay attention. When we do, we are less lonely." Animal encounters also inspire "a sense of wonder and awe," Louv says, that directly benefits our physical and mental health. "Safety in nature is over-rated," he says. "One of the reasons we need nature is because we're often not the top dog in nature. Nature excites all our senses, including the sense of humility." (Jen and her husband got a puppy soon after this episode was recorded. This is not a coincidence.) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Richard discuss: Animals' impact on human lives Species loneliness Why humans search for Bigfoot Why people are tuning into animals during the pandemic How nature and animals help humans heal Nature, risk, safety and humility How pets help develop boys' empathy and responsibility The link between animals and human mental health Human-animal relationships The importance of animal encounters - & why you should tell your animal stories Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: richardlouv.com -- Richard's website Our Wild Calling: How Connecting with Animals Can Transform Our Lives -- and Save Theirs -- Richard's latest book Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder -- Richard's classic book Why We Hunger for a Connection to the Wild During Quarantine -- LA Times op-ed mentioned at 15:06 Children Nature Network -- the nonprofit mentioned by Richard at 17:38 Viral Video Shows Cougar Stalking Utah Hiker - video mentioned at 21:07 Fly-Fishing for Sharks: An Angler's Journey Across America -- another book my Richard, mentioned at 24:33 conwaybowman.com -- the guy who fly-fishes for sharks, as mentioned at 25:25 My Octopus Teacher -- Netflix documentary mentioned at 38:06 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The "man box" doesn't leave much room for sensitive boys. Photo by Debra Brown via Flickr Society prefers rough-and-tumble boys and men -- the strong, stoic types who lift heavy loads and "buck up," rather than cry, when injured or down. So how do we help our sensitive boys navigate a world that doesn't value their sensitivity? "Sensitive boys are very, very special human beings," says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist based in Texas. "The problem is that society, parents and teachers tend to see their sensitivity as a weakness." The truth, though, is that the ability to sense and respond to others' feelings is a gift, as is the ability to experience art, music and life on a deep, emotional level. "They need to learn to own their own feelings, but not the feelings of others," Sandy says. Because sensitive children absorb the feelings of others', you may need to help your son untangle his emotions from others. You can explain that "the sadness you're feeling from David is not yours, so you don't need to pick it up," Dr. Sandy says. Tell you son,  "you can have  empathy or compassion for David, but it should not change your energy or the way you feel about yourself or what you're doing." Sensitive parents can help their sons by narrating their own experiences with sensitivity. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sandy discuss: Characteristics of sensitive children Parenting sensitive boys Why sensitivity can feel like a burden Helping boys appreciate & embrace the gifts of sensitivity Social challenges for sensitive boys How to strengthen your son's self-concept Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Helping Boys Become Resilient w Dr. Sandy Gluckman -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Sandy You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder (w Nancy Peske) -- ON BOYS episodeOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

About 1 in 54 children has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The key word in that sentence is "spectrum." Some people with ASD are nonverbal; some are highly verbal. Some avoid physical contact; some enjoy it. As one popular saying puts it,  "Once you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism." Meet Sam Mitchell, a teenager with autism. Sam is created and hosts the podcast Autism Rocks and Rolls; he's also an author and motivational speaker. Diagnosed at age 4, Sam describes autism as a neurodevelopmental disorder that causes people with ASD to "struggle with certain stuff -- social behaviors, social cues, morals of society." Sam Mitchell, host of Autism Rocks & Rolls Some people with ASD are perceived as others as being rude. What looks like rudeness to others, Sam says, is often just honesty and bluntness. "The truth is, I have a big mouth. I have no filter," he says. That means Sam's not afraid to say what he thinks, and in this episode, he tells us we should talk to people with autism "like you'd talk to anyone else." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sam & Gina (Sam's mom) discuss: Living with autism Parenting a child with autism Signs and symptoms of ASD Friendship and socialization challenges with ASD How to communicate with someone with autism Coming to grips with an autism diagnosis How preconceived notions about autism lead to exclusion Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Autism Rocks and Rolls - Sam's podcast templegrandin.com -- website of Dr. Temple Grandin, who  is well known to many for her trailblazing work as a spokesperson for people with autism Into Simon Majumdmr's Cookhouse -- Autism Rocks and Rolls episode mentioned at 41:27 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What's your family personality?  Don't know? You're not alone. Most people don't think of families as having personalities, but when you understand your personality, your partner's personality and your kids' personalities, life gets easier. Sandra Etherington, a family personality practitioner, uses the Myers-Briggs assessment to help families improve communication and collaboration. "The assessment measures tendencies that reveal how we prefer to get information about the world and make decisions," Sandra says. Understanding family members' personalities shows you "their most comfortable way of being," which makes it easier for you to figure out how to meet them there. Allowing kids to spend most of their time operating in their zone of comfort can actually aid their development. The parental tendency push kids out of their comfort zone may inhibit growth and development. Similarly, when parents spend a lot of time operating outside of their comfort zone, emotional exhaustion soon follows. Learning to respect family personality differences can strengthen your family bonds. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sandra discuss: Myers-Briggs personality types Why you should focus on & build up your child's strengths Supporting an introverted child How outside influences (anxiety, depression, social pressure) affect personality expression Parenting a child whose personality is the same -- or completely different -- than yours Gender & personality How your personality affects your perception of your child's behavior Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: familypersonalities.com -- Sandra's website Introversion vs. Extroversion - the free download Sandra mentions at 17:47, to help you identify your child's tendency Family Personalities -- Sandra's podcast 16 Personalities - free online personality test mentioned at 18:41 What Makes Him Tick? — ON BOYS Interactive event Affiliate Spotlight: Parenting for the Brave New World mini-summit Use coupon code BOYS25 to save 25% on your registration!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our favorite musicals is Les Miserables, which is a story about the French revolution. It's also the story of love and transformation. What does that have to do with raising boys? Today's guest is Dr. Charles Corprew, a psychologist and host of the podcast "What's Your Revolution?" Charles is passionate about revolution --  not the bloody riots that mar cities and countries, but the opportunities we all have for personal and global transformation. "I think I've always known that revolution was necessary for our boys," Charles says, noting his stable upbringing and experiences with racism. "I wanted to make sure the boys had abundant opportunities for a successful life. I wanted to make sure I was creating successful pathways for our young men, regardless of what they look like. That they have the ability to be young boys -- to have fun, to play and find who they want to be." The work has to begin with adults, he says. We adults need to examine our beliefs and systems, and tackle questions such as, "What does it mean to be equitable?" Boys needs space, freedom and role models to figure out who they are and who they want to be. "We need to give our boys more models, more expansive opportunities to try out," Charles says. "This is the hard work that we need to do as adults so that our children can actually grow up and be whoever they want to be." Viva la revolucion!  In this episode, Jen, Janet & Charles discuss: How racism inhibits boys' opportunities to play, to experiment and grow The importance of role modeling Helping boys discover their true selves Empower boys to advocate for change Talking to (and listening to!) boys regarding their educational needs Encouraging outdoor play Male friendships Teaching boys the value of service to others Promoting healthy masculinity Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What's Your Revolution? - Charles' podcast What Makes Him Tick? -- ON BOYS Interactive event Playing with Anger: Teaching Coping Skills to African American Boys Through Athletics and Culture -- book edited by Dr. Howard Stevenson, psychologist mentioned at 17:05 Camelback Ventures -- Charles' employer; "an accelerator that identifies, develops, and promotes early-stage underrepresented entrepreneurs with the aim to increase individual and community education, and generational wealth" Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 34:24 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you worry about keeping your boys safe online?  Thanks to the pandemic, we're all spending more time online. And unlike in years past, porn is now ubiquitous and easily accessible. Boys today don't even have to go looking for porn; it finds them. A simple, developmentally appropriate search for "sex" or "boobs" can lead to some pretty disturbing content in just a click or two, which means we have to talk to our boys about sex, likely at lot earlier than you may think. "All the research shows that parents are the most important influence when it comes to sexual decision-making," Amy says. "If we don't get in the door early, our impact is less. It's really important to establish yourself as their go-to person." Teaching your boys about sex early on will help you contextualize porn. And parental controls and internet filters can help you manage your son's internet access, decreasing the chances that he and his friends will access porn while at your home. Consider redirecting some of the energy you're currently expending worrying about your son's academic achievement. After all, "being in relationships and being sexual is fundamental to being human," Amy says. "I think it's way more important to be sexually savvy and to understand healthy relationships than to score a 9000 on the PSAT." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: Why you need to talk to your boys about sex a lot sooner than you think How boys accidently encounter porn Setting the stage to talk about sex Does talking to boys about porn encourage them to seek it out? Establishing family guidelines re internet usage The difference between parental controls and monitoring (and how to use each) How porn affects boys Preparing boys for porn exposure Helping boys resist peer pressure to look at porn Keeping boys safe online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) - ON BOYS episode http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  — Amy’s website The Birds & Bees Solution Center for Parents -- use coupon code ONBOYS to save 15% Just Say This! - Amy's podcast Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy LangOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We don't always like our boys.  It's a bit taboo to admit that. We parents -- moms especially! -- are somehow expected to always have lovey feelings for our children. And we do love them. But sometimes, we don't want to be around them. Sometimes, we want them to go away. Parents who admit they don't like their kids, though, are often judged. That's not helpful, in our opinions. Here are ON BOYS, we're all about keeping it real, so we're going to talk about the unspeakable: What to do and how to cope when you don't like your boys. (As if to prove our point, THESE are the pics an online picture repository brought up when we searched for "boys fighting frustrated mom": Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels Photo by Olya Kobruseva from Pexels REALLY??? Real life is much messier than these photos suggest, and it is perfectly OK if most of your moments with your boys don't look like this. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Unreasonable parenting expectations How to learn and grow from uncomfortable parenting moments Coping when your kids' behavior reminds you of your ex Handling political differences Jen's yard in Oct. '20 Knowing when to step away Using physical touch to connect When to seek outside help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Family Meetings & the 9-Year Change -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 11:55 The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Dr. Mary Wilde Dr. Mary’s “Overcoming Childhood Anxiety” course — SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listenersOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The phrase "best of 2020" is a bit laughable.  Using the term "best" to describe a year that's included a global pandemic, remote schooling and massive disruptions to work and socialization seems almost...inappropriate. And yet, even 2020 had some bright spots. Photo by cottonbro from Pexels ON BOYS audience continued to grow. Our downloads increased by 207%. (We had nearly 281,000 downloads in 2020 vs. 88,000 in 2019). We interviewed 36 different experts, including New York Times best-selling authors (hello, Peggy Orenstein!) and the Washington Post's On Parenting columnist (Meaghan Leahy!). We had our first three-time guest (Mr. Ryan Wexelblatt, aka ADHD Dude) and we conducted conversations across time and space. (Maggie Dent was in Australia when we spoke; Baro Hyun, Japan.) We also hosted our first ON BOYS Interactive, a live web-based event in which we brainstormed solutions to the challenges of remote learning. We've got more ON BOYS Interactive sessions planned for 2021, as well as podcast episodes featuring Amy Lang (the Queen of the birds & bees!) and Richard Louv, author of The Last Child in the Woods and Our Wild Calling. But first, ON BOYS year in review. Here's the best of 2020: 5. Helping Boys Grow Into Healthy Men (w Ted Bunch) “I think the biggest challenge for us is really allowing our boys to show us, say to us and demonstrate to us who they really are,” Bunch says, without us excessively trying to mold them. Our job isn’t to make boys conform; our job is “to allow them to blossom, to really show who they are.” 4. Boys and Sex (w Peggy Orenstein) Contrary to her expectations when she began reporting the book, Peggy found that boys were “insightful narrators” of their lives and experiences. Boys are acutely aware of the issues that affect them, of the “rules” that govern their behavior and social success and of society’s evolving definition of masculinity. 3. Managing Emotions (w Ellen Dodge) Try “tell me the story.” When you see your guys doing something — positive or negative — ask them to tell you the story behind their actions. If you see a feeling on your son’s face, ask him to tell you the story behind the feeling. 2. ADHD w Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude ...a lot of people still misunderstand ADHD. Making matter worse is the fact that “school is not designed with the male brain in mind,” as Ryan says. On top of that, many people consider ADHD a mental health issue, not a learning disorder. That conceptualization makes things harder for our boys, who face social stigma and internal shame. Often, their parents are judged as well; too often, educators and others consider ADHD a “character flaw” or the result of poor parenting. 1. Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson According to Dr. Natterson — a pediatrician, mom of two and author of Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — the first changes of puberty can begin as early as age 9. But because those early changes are largely invisible to parents’ eyes, we may misunderstand our boys’ mood swings and behavior. And because our culture has long ignored male puberty, many of us simply allow our boys to self-isolate behind closed doors, instead of talking to them about the changes they’re experiencing. You'll have to listen to hear Jen & Janet's personal favorites! STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Cara Natterson’s book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, came out in February 2020 & made a big splash. Kirkus Reviews calls it, "A common-sensical, gently humorous exploration of male puberty’s many trials" and a New York Times article declared, "...for rational, evidence-based advice on how to talk to your son about every internal and external force he’ll experience from fourth grade through college, Cara Natterson’s zippy, bighearted 'Decoding Boys' is the guide you need.'" Our ON BOYS listeners clearly agree: Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson is our most-downloaded episode of 2020. Some gems: Not talking to your son about his evolving physical, emotional and social self is the biggest parent trap of them all. and Boys will take good information and run with it. If we just tell them no and don’t give them the why, they don’t listen. This conversation was originally recorded in April 2020. Note the bookmarks.... In this episode, Jen, Janet & Cara discuss: Why it’s OK to let your teen boys sleep late What the coronavirus crisis and shutdowns are teaching us about kids’ physical and emotional needs The difference between making kids do something vs. educating them Why boys go quiet around puberty Getting boys to talk Late-blooming boys Brain development during adolescence (a.k.a, why boys can be so smart and so dumb, at the same time!) Why boys take more risks when surrounded by friends Boys, body image & eating disorders How to tell if your son’s fixation on fitness is healthy or harmful Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons — Cara’s book worryproofmd.com — Dr. Natterson’s online home; includes a link to her newsletter Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys — one of Cara’s puberty book for boys STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dr. Adam Cox helped Janet crack the boy code, way back when she was a first grade teacher who didn't know what to do with a class full of boys. His book, Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, is a seminal text that contains valuable insights for parents and teachers of boys. More than 25 years ago, Dr. Cox, a psychologist, recognized that boys in his community were looking for a place where they'd be accepted and welcomed. His boy-friendly approach developed over the years as he learned how boys communicate. His understanding of boys grew further as he studied boys worldwide. "The highest priority of boys is their happiness," Dr. Cox says. Happiness even trumps popularity and success, as far as boys are concerned -- which goes a long way toward explaining why you spend so much time fighting with your son over homework. Boys also crave a sense of purpose. Even young boys want to make a tangible difference in the world. "Boys want to feel as though they are needed to do some kind of important work," Dr. Cox says. He recommends a "counter-intuitive" approach to boys' misbehavior. "The way that we deal with misbehaving boys the world over is to ratchet down on their freedoms. We take away freedom and privileges. I think instead that we should try to get them to ally themselves with us by giving them an important job," Dr. Cox says. If, instead, "we get into a moral conflict with that child -- 'I'm going to prove to you that I'm the boss here!' -- it just backfires on us. It's much better to invite their leadership in a way that suits them." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Adam discuss: Boy "constants" that persist across cultures Boys' priorities Why boys need a sense of purpose Effective discipline for boys Finding appropriate jobs for boys The difference between "purposeful work" and "chores" Why you must monitor & control your vocal tone when talking to boys How to talk so boys will listen Picking the right place and time to talk with your son Respecting boys' privacy Why you shouldn't dismiss or denigrate your son's interest in video games Talking to boys about love and imagination Helping boys live a life that's in line with their values and interests Adolescent inertia The link between teenage depression and lack of motivation How to get unmotivated boys moving forward Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: DrAdamCox.com -- Dr. Adam's website Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Dr. Adam Cox On Purpose Before Twenty, by Dr. Adam Cox Why Boys Need Chores - ON BOYS episode The Evolution of Esports -- ON BOYS episode Video Game Design: A Career for Boys -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you help boys become resilient?  It's easy enough to say that resiliency is important, and we know that the ability to bounce back in spite of obstacles is essential for success and happiness in life. But how exactly does one build resilience? Contrary to popular belief, you can't teach a child resilience, says Dr. Sandy Gluckman, a psychologist. Rather, you create a climate that allows a child to develop self-knowledge and self-confidence. Most of our boys spend a lot of times in environments that don't help them feel good. School, for instance, is not a good fit, developmentally speaking, for most boys, and it's easy for boys to assume that something is wrong with them when they can't read or write as well as their female classmates. Pushing your child to do things that he's not ready or willing to do is NOT the answer. Your intentions may be good, but you'll actually increase the levels of stress hormones coursing through your son's body, and a stressed brain and body is not ready or able to learn. One of the quickest, most effective ways to ease your son's stress is to take care of yourself. You cannot effectively parent your son while you're in a state of stress because your son will sense the anger, fear, and concern behind your carefully chosen words. Taking time for yourself -- both in moments of high stress and on a regular basis -- allows you to parent from a place of peace, which, in turn, allows your son's nervous system to relax. Then, you can turn your attention toward helping your son recognize his inherent worth. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Dr. Sandy discuss: The link between resilience and brain chemistry Interpersonal neurobiology -- or, how parents' emotional state affects their children How feeling "not good enough" affects our brains and bodies The fight, flight or freeze stress response Inflammatory vs. non-inflammatory parenting How deep breathing can help you be a better parent How to build your son's self-esteem Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drsandygluckman.com -- Dr. Sandy's website www.youtube.com/user/sandygluckman -- Dr. Sandy's YouTube channel Parents, Take Charge! Healing Learning, Behavior and Mood Challenges Without Medication, by Dr. Sandy Gluckman Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering -- Building Boys blog post How Confidence and Joy Spark Success -- ON BOYS episode Self-Esteem and Boys -- ON BOYS episode STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Most of us know what consent means. But knowing what it MEANS doesn’t necessarily guarantee that we - or our BOYS - will actually be prepared in the moment…. Acroyoga, or partnered yoga, helped Sarah Casper understand boundaries & consent. "In this practice, instead of using an apparatus like trapeze or aerial silks, we're using our bodies. So there has to be a lot of conversation about our comfort levels, what we want to explore, where our limits are, what we maybe want to work towards and bowing out if a trick doesn't work," Sarah says. "I started to realize the conversations I was having in my acroyoga classes were more or less the same conversations that happen in the bedroom." With a background in psychology and previous experience teaching socio-emotional skills to children, Sarah started teaching kids how to navigate boundaries & consent. "We want kids to make mistakes and learn from them when they're hanging out with friends," Sarah says, emphasizing the importance of building interpersonal skills from early on. "You get them to work through things like rejection and coercion and how to ask and respond to questions when they're young, when they have the support of teachers, parents and coaches, because if the first time a boy has to deal with this is when he's 18 and at Prom, he's not going to be good at it." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sarah discuss: How acrobatics helped Sarah understand consent How roughhousing can teach boys about boundaries Teaching boys to check in w friends and partners Helping boys handle rejection How to say no without shaming or unintentionally coercing the person who asked Creating a "consent culture" How respecting your child's autonomy can decrease parent/child conflict What to do if you walk in on your son masturbating 5 factors to consider in consent: Who, What, When, Where, How Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ON BOYS Interactive -- Distance Learning -- Register now for our Dec. 8 or Dec. 9 session! Comprehensive Consent -- Sarah's website; includes lots of free resources & a link to Sarah's Boundary Setting Bootcamp The Art of Roughhousing -- ON BOYS episode Your Son's Ability to Tolerate Frustration & Rejection is More Important Than You Know -- Building Boys post Consent with Mike Domitrz -- ON BOYS episode Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How much do you know about boys & anxiety? According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, approximately 7% of American children between ages 3-17 have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. Likely, the actual prevalence of anxiety is significantly higher, because many kids -- especially boys -- are undiagnosed. What looks like anger, opposition or teenage angst may actually be an anxiety disorder. Sometimes, anxiety is expressed physically; boys with anxiety may have headaches, stomachaches or other maladies that interfere with their ability to participate fully in every day life. Of course, we're all feeling a bit anxious these days. Living through a pandemic will do that. But "the commonness of anxiety doesn't mean it shouldn't be addressed," says Dr. Mary Wilde, an integrative pediatrician and mom of 8 boys. "Anxiety, untreated or unaddressed, can lead to depression." Statistically, girls are more likely than boys to be diagnosed with anxiety and seek help for anxiety. Boys, in part due to social conditioning, are more likely to hide their anxiety or attempt to "power through." Boys' anxiety may show up as difficulty sleeping, anger or acting out. Teaching boys how to recognize and manage their anxiety can change their lives -- and yours. Yoga, deep breathing and tapping are just a few of the non-medication modalities Dr. Mary uses to help boys with anxiety. It's a good idea, she says, to teach boys a variety of techniques, so they can choose the ones that work best for them. Parents need to be conscious of the way they respond to their anxious boys as well. "The tricky thing about anxiety is that parents need to parent in a way that's counterintuitive," Dr. Mary says. "They feel like their job is to bring comfort, ease and happiness, so of course they try to create this ideal context, but they don't realize that in creating this ideal context, they're sending a message to their kids that says, 'I don't believe you can handle it, and therefore I'm going to custom make your environment.'" Dr. Mary -- mom to 8 boys -- also shares her Top 4 Tips for Parenting Boys:  Insist on respectful behavior from your boys. Stuff is stuff. People are more important than things. Provide opportunities for service. Your job is to give your kids opportunities for apprenticeship, to learn alongside you. (Role modeling is key!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mary discuss: Integrative medicine Identifying "normal" anxiety vs. problematic anxiety Symptoms of anxiety in boys Why to seek help for anxiety The 4 components of emotional intelligence Talking to boys about anxiety How physical movement helps boys with anxiety Non-medication treatment options for anxiety A family approach to anxiety Dealing with your anxiety Using stories to teach emotional intelligence How your boys can benefit from an imperfect life Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Dr. Mary's "Overcoming Childhood Anxiety" course -- SPECIAL OFFER available to ON BOYS listeners drmarywilde.com - Dr. Mary's website Imagine Pediatrics Behavioral Health & Wellness -- Dr. Mary's clinical practice Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, by Dr. John Ratey -- book mentioned at 13:45 If You Want to Write: A Book about Art, Independence and Spirit, by Brenda Ueland -- book mentioned at 45:45 Faithful Nurturing: Mothering from the Heart, to the Heart, by Mary Wilde -- Mary's book Dealing with Change, Anxiety & Energy (Listener Q&A) -- ON BOYS episode Helping Teens Cope with Anxiety, Depression and More -- ON BOYS episode Anxiety & Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episodeOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Esports -- competitive videogaming -- is quickly becoming a very big deal. In 2017, 106.2 million people watched the League of Legend esports championship.  In 2020, 99.9 million watched the Super Bowl on TV, according to Reuters. Today's parents, teachers and grandparents often find themselves annoyed at the hours boys spend in front of screens, gaming. They find it absolutely absurd that boys (and girls) watch other people play video games on You Tube and Twitch. But is watching a top video gamer in peak form really any different than parking yourself in an overstuffed chair on Sunday to watch young athletes throw, catch and carry a football? Baro Hyun grew up in Korea; his generation was part of the video game revolution, and he participated in video games' evolution from household amusement to public pastime. To him, his young sons' obsession with video games doesn't seem particularly alarming or surprising. His boys' grandmother, though, had another perspective altogether. As Baro writes in the introduction to his book, Demystifying Esports: A Personal Guide to the History and Future of Competitive Gaming: [the boys'] otherwise peaceful grandmother...couldn't stand the sight of her grandchild giving all his attention to the tiny screen of Switch for hours at a time, and none to her... Stress in the house gradually build up until the clouds broke in dramatic fashion. My sons' granny had a bad day. When she saw the younger one in gaming mode, she flipped out. With a speed that belied her age, she brought a pair of scissors from the kitchen and mercilessly cut the charging cable of the Switch... Adults' misunderstanding and misconceptions about esports and video gaming contributes to the generational divide (and household conflict!). Baro encourages adults to learn about esports role in kids' lives - and in the modern economy. "Esports isn't just about playing fun games," Baro says. "It's about dedication and commitment." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Baro discuss: Generational perspectives on video gaming Recognizing emotional reactions to video gaming History of esports & competitive gaming Why people love esports (Spoiler alert: It's stories & strategy) Collegiate esports Gaming scholarships Esports as a business and industry What it takes to be a professional gamer Career opportunities in esports What kids learn via video games Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Demystifying Esports: A Personal Guide to the History and Future of Competitive Gaming -- Baro's book All About Esports -- ON BOYS episode Video Games are the New Competitive Sport in Schools —  article by Jen Fortnite is Not a Waste of Time -- Building Boys post Collegiate Star League -- largest esports platform (mentioned at 17:10) Esports in the Pac-Man Era -- share this video (about a 1982 Pac-Man tournament held at Milwaukee's County Stadium) w your boys! Biathlon -- the winter ski & gun sport we couldn't name right away! STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What words come to mind when you hear the phrase "teenage boys"? Messy? Stinky? Frustrating? Lazy? Moody? Dangerous? Teen boys can be all of those things. (So can teen girls!) But there's also a lot more beneath the surface, and if we're to effectively parent and educate our teen boys, we have to go deep. We need to remind ourselves -- and each other -- that teenage boys are complex human beings who deserve our respect and support. "Inside every teenage boy is a 4-year-old who is confused about life and desperate to know that you will love him unconditionally -- especially when he cannot love himself," says Maggie Dent, Australia's "boy champion" and author of From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Happy, Healthy Men. Though our first instinct is often to come down hard on our boys when they fail to follow our rules or meet expectations, Maggie suggests trying kindness instead. Most boys feel terrible when they mess up, whether they show us that or not; our lectures and punishments further add to their self-loathing -- and cause them to distrust our love for them. Going against the grain and offering your son kindness and compassion in lieu of punishment may strengthen your connection and help your son feel safe enough to share what's really going on. "We don't think teenage boys are sensitive, but they are," Maggie reminds us. "What we see on the outside is not necessarily what's going on inside." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Maggie discuss: Why teenage boys seem so confused, scattered and disorganized Teen boys' fear and anxiety How shame shapes (& limits) boys Kindness vs. harsh discipline How to get teenage boys to listen How roughhousing teaches boundaries Helping boys connect during the pandemic Why you don't necessarily need to worry if your son lose his temper while gaming online with friends Surrounding boys with stories of good men Talking to boys about tough stuff Moms' role in boys' lives Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Happy, Healthy Men -- Maggie's latest book https://www.youtube.com/user/MaggieDentAuthor -- Maggie's YouTube channel Parental as Anything - Maggie's podcast Maggie Dent on Mothering Our Boys (Part 1) -- ON BOYS episode 139 Maggie Dent on Mothering Our Boys (Part 2) -- ON BOYS episode 140 7 Tips for Parenting Teenage Boys: "Nagging Them is Like Shouting Into a Void" -- Maggie's Guardian article (mentioned at 7:20) The Decline of Play -- TED talk by Peter Gray, who Maggie mentions at 9:20 The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Orange Sky Australia--  organization providing free showers and laundry for the homeless; founded by 2 teen boys (mentioned by Maggie at 16:21) A Fiver for a Farmer - charity started by a young boy from Sydney that has raised over $1.6m for Australian farmers since 2018 (mentioned by Maggie at 17:00) STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How’s school going?  That’s a fraught question even when there’s NOT a pandemic going on. Now, it seems almost crazy to ask, given that most of us are dealing w less-than-ideal educational situations.  But that doesn’t mean you have to settle for miserable. If virtual school or online learning isn't working for you, homeschool may be a good option. (And it doesn't have to be as overwhelming or time-consuming as you may think!). If in-person instruction has been canceled and your son simply doesn't learn well via online instruction, you can find fun, easy ways to build natural learning into your days. (Yes, really.) And when the situation changes -- when your school district changes its education plan due to COVID-19 or your job responsibilities and personal tolerance change -- you can switch to a new form of learning.  It's not easy, though. "What's really hard is when you try to gear yourself up for one option and then you have to switch to another," says Sarah Mendonca, founder of Learning Together Coaching & Consulting and a homeschool mom of three. "Every time, it requires so much emotional and mental energy."  You -- and your boys -- might be best served, in fact, by turning your focus away from academics. Learning, after all, "really boils down to relationships and conversations," Mendonca says. It's scary to consider other educational options. But as Sarah says, "none of us are getting out of 2020 without coping with change." So, take a deep breath and ask yourself (and your son) this question: How can we relieve stress and tension right now, and do things that will be good for our family?  In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sarah discuss: Finding the educational options that work best for your family Dealing with disruptions to education The emotional toll of educational uncertainty Letting go of academic expectations Stealth homeschooling How COVID-19 may exacerbate the learning gap Kids' emotional response to the pandemic School refusal Helping boys envision career options in the COVID-19 era Synchronous vs asynchronous learning Coping with online learning Natural learning Finding educational options for your son Real-world volunteer and learning options Building on boys' interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Learning Together Coaching & Consulting -- Sarah's FB page Back to School 2020 -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Family meetings can you help adapt your parenting to fit the changing needs of your family.  Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels One of the most challenging (and demoralizing) aspects of parenting is realizing that you must constantly revise your parenting strategies. The tips, techniques and discipline strategies that worked so well when your little boy was 2 don't work at all when he's 6 -- and whatever you do when he's 6 won't work when he's 16. It can be hard for parents to adapt to their kids' development changes. The very fact that we have to change our approach often comes as a surprise. "Nobody tells us, 'Oh yeah, you figured it out all these years, but now you gotta do something different," Janet says. Children often experience significant intellectual and emotional growth around age 9, a phenomenon Waldorf educators call the "9 year change." It's a time when children begin to realize that others have different thoughts, when they begin to question the world -- and their parents. "Their opinions might be one way on Monday and completely different by Thursday. But that's all part of the growth process," Janet says. "That's all part of them expressing their thoughts, expressing their opinions." As boys grow, parents must shift their role from Director to Collaborator. Family meetings can be helpful as parents and sons navigate this shift, as the meetings create opportunities for everyone in the family to share their ideas and concerns. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The 9 Year Change Disrespect vs. developmentally appropriate questioning Coping with kids who "know it all" Moving toward a collaborative form of parenting How to start and plan family meetings Benefits of family meetings Tips for successful family meetings In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The Simple but Critical Purpose of Family Meetings: To Listen -- Washington Post article by our friend Meghan Leahy (if you haven't listened to our podcast episode w her, do so now!) Parenting Teenage Boys with Joshua Wayne -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at about 24:00 BoysAlive.as.me -- Schedule a FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How are you managing screen time during the pandemic?  According to at least one survey, kids' time online has more than doubled since the pandemic began, and many kids now spend more than 6 hours per day online, in front of screens. And no wonder -- screens are now our portal to school, work, socialization and extended family. Which means that now is great time to examine our response to screens. Seriously. Many adults have a visceral, negative reaction to the sight of kids-on-screens, but the truth is that screen time itself is neither good nor bad. Digital devices are tools that can be used in a variety of ways. "Screens are not a monolith," says Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise and founder of Raising Digital Natives. Instead of lumping all things digital into "screen time," she says, parents really should look at what their kids are doing. As much as possible, parents should adopt an observant (vs. judgmental) stance to their sons' technology use. Adults can also role model responsible tech usage. Our kids should see us "using technology in an ethical, thoughtful, mindful way," Devorah says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Devorah discuss: Why all screen time isn't equal Dealing w parental guilt Role modeling responsible internet usage Tech "addiction" Helping kids gain control of their screen time When to seek professional help Managing online, in-game purchases Financial literacy in the digital age Helping boys recognize and respond to racism, sexism and extreme ideologies in memes Mentoring vs. monitoring Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Digital Natives -- Devorah's website Screenwise: Helping Kids Survive (& Thrive) in Their Digital World -- Devorah's book Screens & Boys -- ON BOYS episode Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World w Jordan Shapiro -- ON BOYS episode iGen - ON BOYS episode Decoding Boys w Dr. Cara Natterson -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 18:50 The Role of Memes in Teen Culture -- NYT article by Jen   STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting teen boys is not easy. They're bigger than us. Stronger than us. They speak in a language we don't necessarily understand -- if they choose to speak at all. Their focus is turning outward, just as we parents realize how little time we have left to teach them all the things they need to know before they leave home. Miriam asks: How do you find balance between keeping the bond strong and giving them freedom? Teri also asks about letting go: How do other parents find the balance between holding your son accountable and staying involved vs letting him make mistakes? At age 14, do I need to let go completely? I want him to be independent but not miss opportunities to help him grow and develop. Brooklyn wonders how she should handle teenage "attitude": I have a son who's always been a bit attitudinal. Now the bar is raised and I want to find the balance of tolerance (knowing some of this is "normal") and also holding a line around how to treat others. Stephanie asks: How do I get my reserved and very quiet teen boy to talk to me...about anything?? Mary wants to know: How to help boys through obsessions with their phones and social media...especially when they are ages 16 and over Jeen worries about easy access to highly sexualized images: How do we deal with the constant attempts to search up "girls in bikinis?" If the results were somewhat tasteful, I'd be OK with it, but wow! One step from porn in most cases... Alicia asks: How do I discuss the imminent arrival of wet dreams? How do I explain what to expect? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Teen boy lingo The pressure felt by parents of teen boys Staying close to teen boys Giving teenage boys freedom & guidance Releasing control over homework, grades and school Dealing w teenage attitude & disrespect Setting boundaries Screens, social media and porn Wet dreams and nocturnal emission (Note: wet dreams typically start between ages 13 and 17, according to the Milton S. Hershey Medical Center. Average age is about 14.5) Self-care for parents of teens Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- classic Building Boys post Parenting Teenage Boys w Joshua Wayne -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 10:53 Talk to Boys about Sex -- ON BOYS episode featuring Amy Lang, mentioned at 29:13 Which Apps are APPropriate? -- ON BOYS episode w Jo Langford, mentioned at 30:24 High Speed Internet Porn and the Experiment Generation -- film mentioned at 33:13 STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our most important jobs as parents is preparing our boys for the world of work. The work world, though, has changed dramatically over the last few decades. "There's been a shift from the competitive dog-eat-dog/rat race to a flatter, faster and fairness-focused world of work," says Ed Frauenheim, co-author of Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection. Increasingly, organizations want (and need!) employees and leaders who are flexible and eager to learn and collaborate. They need (and want) employees who can admit their own vulnerabilities, who respect the contributions of others. The work world of today is not particularly friendly to what Ed calls "confined masculinity," or the traditional norms that governed male behavior for millennia. "In confined masculinity, there are limited roles you can play as a guy: provider and protector," Ed says. Males are expected to be stoic, self-reliant and competitive. Those traits aren't bad, but restricting boys and men to those roles and responses is quite limiting and unhealthy. Liberating masculinity does not throw away those traits but rather adds to them. The "5 Cs" of liberating masculinity are: Curiosity Courage Compassion Communication Connection Helping our boys realize that we are in community with others and that it's okay to follow your heart is one way we can prepare boys for work. "In the work world that's emerging, what we're seeing is that the most successful people are givers; they are not takers," Ed says. "They are the ones that are empathetic and willing to share." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ed discuss: Shifting masculine norms Masculinity & work Liberating masculinity vs. confined masculinity How professional male athletes are modeling liberating masculinity Equipping boys to deal with sexism and racism in the work world Moving beyond stereotypical masculinity in the trades What boys & men should look for a in a place of employment Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection -- Ed's new book Great Place to Work -- "the global authority on workplace culture"; includes lists to "best workplaces" Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do you teach boys money management? 34% of American teenagers don't have bank accounts and rely predominantly on cash, according to a 2019 Junior Achievement USA survey. In fact, 1 in 5 teens have never been into a physical bank and nearly a third of teens surveyed don’t have a bank account.  Like many parents, Benny Nachman initially started paying his boys' allowance in cash. But -- like many of us -- Benny doesn't often use cash and occasionally found he didn't have enough cash on hand to cover allowances. His boys were less disturbed by this fact than Benny thought they'd be. He soon learned that cash isn't all that exciting to kids who live in an increasingly digital world. In their lives, digital money, including iTunes and Amazon gift cards and Vbucks, are a lot more valuable. That's one reason why he founded Jassby, a mobile wallet and chore app for families. The other reason is because he thinks it's absolutely critical to teach boys money management and financial literacy. Most states do not include financial literacy or personal budgeting in the public school curriculum -- and, as a result, 70% of college students can't answer basic questions about money, interests, loans and investments. Talking to our kids about finances is not the solution. "I talk to my kids about money all the time -- about what a bank does, what a credit card is," Benny says.  "But I can see their eyes glaze over when I lecture them. After about 15 seconds, it's OK, dad, whatever." Practical experiences with money management is much more effective. So, in lieu of buying football cleats for his sons, Benny gave them each $90 (the most he was willing to spend on a pair of cleats) and allowed them to shop. He told them they could keep whatever money they didn't spend on cleats and use it however they liked. "The guys spent the weekend researching cleats," Benny said, and ultimately bought a pair that was $55. In the process, the boys learned more than there would from dozens of hours of lectures. Giving your boys the space and freedom to make financial choices can be difficult, especially if you see your son about to make what you're sure will be a costly mistake. But allowing them to make financial mistakes in their youth may spare them from making ever bigger mistakes in adulthood. "You never learn any better than by making your own mistakes," Benny says. "The failures are important." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Benny discuss: Allowance policies -- to tie to chores, or not? Why cash isn't as valuable to kids today as digital money How to teach boys the value of money Why you must give boys the opportunity to manage money How not to raise entitled jerks Allowing boys to make financial mistakes Talking about family finances Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Jassby.com -- Benny's chore & mobile allowance app The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous and Smart About Money, by Ron Lieber -- book mentioned at 19:40 Just Don't Be an Asshole -- ON BOYS episode featuring Kara Kinney Cartwright Age 16 & Learning to Let Go -- Building Boys post mentioned at 24:30 STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting outside the lines frees us up to connect with our children in an authentic way. It allows us to skip over the "must do's" and simply, instead, do the next right thing in any given moment. And if the "right thing" ultimately takes us a direction we don't want to go, it gives us the opportunity to apologize and course correct. It encourages us to trust the wisdom deep within. "I haven't yet found a parent who's really changed their parenting based on 'studies say,'" says Meghan Leahy, a mom of three, parenting coach and author of Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child. "I've never told a parent, 'Well, studies say if you don't yell, your kid will be happier,' and had the parent say, 'oh my god, I didn't know that! Now I'll stop yelling.'" Early in her career as a parenting coach, Meghan taught parents strategies they could use to manage their kids' behavior. But only some parents were successful with those strategies. Other parents used the same exact techniques and did not see the positive changes they were expecting. She learned that "strategies are neither here nor there. One may work; one may not. But if the underpinning of compassionate, boundaried connection isn't there, it doesn't matter." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Meghan discuss: The importance of connection Learning to trust yourself How modern culture has made parenting more difficult Why it's OK to not know what to do What to do when your son doesn't want to do an activity he once loved Parenting during the pandemic The link between kindness and resilience Screen time (and why you need to look at your screen habits before tackling your kids' screen time) How to enjoy parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap Into Your Wisdom and Connect with Your Child -- Meghan's book Meghan's Washington Post On Parenting columns mlparentcoach.com -- Meghan's website How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 07:11 The Neufield Institute -- courses, events and resources from Gordon Neufield, PhD (mentioned at 8:47) Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids, by Kim John Payne and Kim Ross -- book mentioned at 16:07 My Suddenly Sedentary Teen Seems Stuck. How Much Should I Push Him to Move? -- Meghan's column about the soccer player (mentioned at 17:24) Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Are your boys close to their grandparents?  Not physically close -- physical distance is often more a matter of necessity or practicality than choice -- but emotionally close. Studies have found that close grandparent/grandchildren relationships protect against depression in both groups, and at least one study out of England found that kids who are close to their grandparents have fewer emotional and behavioral problems and fewer difficulties with peers. Facilitating the grandparent/grandchild relationship can be tricky. There's a generation gap. A digital divide. Evolving cultural norms and ever-changing expectations. "The expectation for grandparents today is way different" than a generation ago, says Emilly Morgan, host of The Grand Life podcast and grandmother to nine (4 boys & 5 girls.). "We still think of grandparents as sitting in rocking chairs, but now they're running marathons and doing all sorts of creative things, including working." It takes some creativity and grace to build relationships between your boys and their grandparents, but effort is worthwhile. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Emily discuss: Bridging the generation gap How parents can facilitate the grandparent/grandchild relationship Helping grandmas understand grandsons Multi-generation households Changing expectations of grandparents Respecting grandparents' lives and limitations Resolving conflicts re screens, sugar, bedtime, etc. Tapping into grandparents' wisdom and experience Family estrangements Helping boys understand grandparents' physical and emotional limitations Handling grandparents' sexism and racism Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Grand Life podcast -- Emily's podcast (Jen will be a guest on on upcoming episode!) The Long Distance Grandparent -- blog mentioned at 28:39 STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

This is a really confusing time to be a boy in the United States. That's one of (the many!) insights Ryan Wexelblatt -- aka ADHD Dude -- gained while working with 14 and 15 year old boys during his ADHD Dude Summer Camp this year. In a Facebook post, he wrote: These guys see their female classmates (if they fit the narrow standards of beauty) who post the most sexually provocative pictures on Instagram/Snapchat get the most attention on social media. >They are living in a period of "cancel culture" where men whose words or behaviors are inappropriate are expected to go away forever, never to be heard from again. There is no option to see what being accountable for one's inappropriate behavior or making amends sounds like, thus denying boys the opportunity to see what it looks like when a man acknowledges he has treated people in a way that was hurtful. How do we help boys navigate the mixed and confusing messages they receive?  We asked Ryan -- our first 3-time ON BOYS guest! -- to share his thoughts. "If we're going to teach kids social competency, we need to teach them everything. We can't leave out the things that make us uncomfortable," Ryan says. You have to talk about things like ogling and unwanted attention; you have to give boys strategies they can use to mange their innate curiosity without inadvertently harming others. Simply telling a boy 'that's inappropriate'" when he stares too long or uses potentially offensive language isn't helpful, Ryan says. "That's not teaching them anything," he says. "That's not teaching the context and why the behavior or language is inappropriate." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ryan discuss: Giving boys specific, concrete instructions to successfully navigate social situations How teenage boys talk to each other (sexual innuendo is common!) Helping boys learn what kind of humor is OK to use with friends vs what's OK when adults and kids are around Talking to boys about cancel culture, #MeToo and people like Jeffrey Epstein Why we must teach media literacy Dick pics -- helping boys understand why it's always a bad idea to send unsolicited nudes Teaching boys to see and recognize their value (in a culture that so often paints boys & men as the bad guys) Online learning & boys Navigating evolving gender norms Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ADHD Dude — the online home of Ryan’s ADHD work. Includes a link to his ADHD Dude Facebook group  Dude Talk playlist — Ryan’s series of YouTube videos aimed directly at boys Teaching Boys Social Skills — our 1st ON BOYS episode w Ryan ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude - our 2nd ON BOYS episode w Ryan Executive Function Crash Course for Parents -- Ryan's webinar   Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children's vitamins -- no sugar or "gummy junk" included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%.  STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How do we help boys listen & learn?  Image by Andrew Steele via Flickr In month whatever of the pandemic, we're all grappling with a lot of tough questions, including what to do about school and injustice and inequality. We can't give you any easy answers regarding schooling during  the cornonavirus pandemic or the fight for equality and justice. There aren't any easy answers to those complex situations. However, we CAN equip you with some information and strategies that will help boys listen and learn. In this Listener Q & A, we discuss male communication and learning during a pandemic. Jacquie asks: How are these new [pandemic-related] policies going to make school even harder for our boys? Talking about social distancing, less chance to play with others... Ashley asks: Why don't males listen? What am I doing wrong? Leah asks: What does "use 80% less words" look like in practice? Leah says: I find it fascinating watching how my older son (age 23) is 'cutting the apron strings' and gravitating toward his dad.So my questions are: When can we expect this to happen? How do we make that process as pain-free as possible (or, in reverse, make it angst-ridden)? What is the science behind them needed to do that? Why is it important? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How parents can support schools and learning during the pandemic Meeting boys' need for movement and connection in an era of social distancing When to opt-out of school Accepting your kids' "normal" What's really going on when boys "don't listen" How to get your son to listen (Spoiler alert: Connect before you direct.) Improving communication with your son Managing feelings of disrespect Boys' relationship w their dads When boys start to pull away from mom Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: From Boys to Men: Helping Our Tween and Teen Boys Grow Into Good Men -- Maggie Dent's latest book (mentioned at 18:46) Parenting Boys w Maggie Dent - Part 1 -- ON BOYS episode Parenting Boys w Maggie Dent -- Part 2 -- ON BOYS episode FREE Breakthrough Session w Janet -- link to her schedule (mentioned at 27:10) Personal Hygiene for Tween & Teen Boys -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 35:44 Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's subscription newsletter STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We all want to raise good men. But how? It's one thing to WANT To raise good men, and another to figure out what that means on a daily basis. Exactly HOW do we raise good men? Aaron Gouveia is the author of Raising Boys to be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing Up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity. He's also the founder of the Daddy Files and dad to 3 boys, currently ages 12, 7 and 4. "When I first heard the term 'toxic masculinity,' I did what most men do: I rolled my eyes and thought, 'Stop trying to vilify masculinity.'" Aaron says. "It took years for me to really understand what it is  -- and it's a million different things. It's death by a thousand paper cuts." Stereotypical expectations of masculinity are so embedded in our culture that they're everywhere -- and most of us unwittingly contribute to the perpetuation of these not-very-helpful stereotypes. Parenting 3 boys (& writing the book) forced Aaron to reflect on his actions in the past and it "wasn't pretty," he said. "This book is a laundry list of thing I did that contributed to a problem I thought I was fighting against," Aaron says. Listening -- really listening -- to others, including stay-at-home dads, black fathers and feminist moms,helped Aaron see the ways in which he was unconsciously supporting inequality and harmful, limiting stereotypes. That was not fun; it was painful. But Aaron encourages others to seek out and listen to diverse viewpoints. "Listen to them. Sit with what they say. Have the courage to uncomfortable," Aaron says. "You might find out that you're part of the problem.But it's what you do after you know better that matters." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Aaron discuss: "Toxic masculinity" -- public perceptions of the term & Aaron's definition The connection between masculinity and mask-wearing Fatherhood & stay-at-home dads How stereotypes hold back boys & men How moms unintentionally interfere w dads' parenting Discussing consent with boys Preparing boys to be "upstanders" What happened when Aaron's 5-yr-old wore nail polish to school How to encourage boys in the face of opposition Single moms raising boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Daddy Files -- Aaron's online home Raising Boys to be Good Men: A Parent's Guide to Bringing Up Happy Sons in a World Filled with Toxic Masculinity -- Aaron's book Raising Boys to Be Good Men: Book Review -- Building Boys blog post Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo -- ON BOYS episode Meet Aaron Gouveia, the Dad Who Defended Son's Nail Polish in Viral Twitter Thread -- article about the incident that ultimately led to Aaron's book In Defense of Single Moms Raising Boys -- Building Boys blog post Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys -- Building Boys blog post STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sassy Harvey believes "my boy can." The mother of a young son who loves dance, Barbie and princesses. Sassy started a social movement after her then 4-year-old son quit dance because he'd been told that only girls and gay people dance. Now, My Boy Can is supporting boys and their parents as they challenge gender stereotypes that so often hold boys back. "I didn't want my son to feel he couldn't do something because he was a boy, because society deems certain activities 'for girls," Sassy says. She wants all children (and adults) to be able to freely participate in activities they enjoy, without being subject to stigma or shaming. One of her first projects was organizing a photo shoot of boy dancers in her hometown, Portsmouth, England, to help the boys realize they are not alone. "Initially, I thought there were about 20," she says. 140 boys, ranging in age from 3-21, responded to her call. On the day of the photo shoot, boys connected, shared stories and realized they had much in common. "A community spirit naturally grew, and we realized the power of coming together," Sassy says. And this, Janet says, is how change happens. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sassy discuss: The power of parents to challenge stereotypes Supporting boys' interests Online dance classes & makeup classes for boys Why (& how) to make space for boys to talk about what they care about Building boys' resilience & mental health Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: "My Boy Can" Parenting -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Sassy My Boy Can web page -- includes links to virtual dance classes and the My Boy Can dance contest My Boy Can - FB group (check here for info about dance workshops) Yes, Boys Can Dance -- Building Boys blog post referencing the Prince-George-dancing situation referenced at 4:58 Kids From Wisconsin - Wisconsin-based organization that gives young performers (singer/dancers and musicians) training and performance opportunities (mentioned at 17:54.) Fun Fact: the photo accompanying Yes, Boys Can Dance (blog post listed above) is Jen's oldest son performing w Kids From Wisconsin My Boy Can chat featuring Janet Allison Supporting Boys' Interests -- our ON BOYS conversation w Jeremy Neves, which includes his story of navigating his son's Barbie & princess obsession. Fun Fact: we connected Jeremy & Sassy after this conversation. STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Can a book club help boys enjoy reading?  Yes, says Erin O'Donnell, a mom of two boys and author of How to Start a Kids Book Club. She and a bunch of other moms started a mother/son book club when their sons were in 3rd grade, on the cusp of the transition from learning to read to reading to learn. Some of the boys were already avid readers. Others were not. "We were really hoping that peer pressure would be a powerful force in getting them to collectively enjoy books," Erin says. Of course, the boys' club looks a little different than many typical book clubs. "Our meetings have often been chaotic, to be honest," Erin notes. The boys considered naming their club "The Barfing Book Boys" before settling on "The Lakeside Book Boys." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Erin discuss: How a book club can inspire reading and build relationships Why boys must have a voice in the formation and functioning of their club How to find discussion questions The important role of food How MOMS benefit from a mother/son book club How BOYS benefit from book club Using books to stimulate discussion about real issues and emotions Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Start a Kids Book Club -- Erin's Parents article Common Sense Media -- mentioned at 33:50; great place for parents to check out a book's themes and topics 15 Great Book Group Picks (Recommended by the Lakeside Book Boys) Booked by Kwame Alexander Endling: The Last by Katherine Applegate The Terrible Two by Mac Barnet and Jory John Wonder by RJ Palacio The Girl Who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill Out of My Mind by Sharon Draper Because of Mr. Terupt by Rob Boyea The Explorer by Katherine Rundell The Lifters by Dave Eggers The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin Posted by John David Anderson The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins Dread Nation by Justina Ireland The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Back to School 2020 will go down in the annals of history. Image via PixaBay The United States (and world) is still wrestling with the coronavirus pandemic. Schools are slated to "open" -- whether virtually or literally or some combination thereof -- in a few weeks. Some, in fact, have already opened. There's so much we don't yet know about this school year -- if in-person school will be possible, feasible or safe; if students' mental health will suffer more if schools open or close; if schools will become significant hot spots within communities -- but there's one thing that's abundantly clear: This year will be different. And challenging. As Jenny Albers wrote in a post published by TODAY, “Everything about the upcoming school year feels wrong."  Back to school prep in 2020 will be like no other. In years past, you shopped for backpacks; now, you're looking for masks, hand sanitizer and (maybe) homeschool curriculum. In years past, you worried about separation anxiety, about how to deal with your son's tears (and your own) when you drop him off at preschool, kindergarten or college. This year, you worry he won't have the opportunity to leave. Our normal rhythms and routines have been completely upended; there's nothing familiar about back to school 2020. As this pandemic has taught us again and again (and again), NOTHING is CERTAIN. We must be ready to PIVOT at a moment’s notice. Keep your child’s mental and physical health (as well as the health and well-being of your family) top-of-mind as you ponder your next steps. Remember: you can change your mind at any time. This is a time to put aside judgments and support each family in making the decision that is right for them. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Making the best educational choice for your family Why you should ignore others' opinions All the terms -- Homeschool. Unschool. Outdoor school. Hybrid learning. Remote learning. Learning pods. Managing remote learning Helping boys learn via Zoom When (& why) to stop fighting about school Working from home while homeschooling Creating a schedule Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Everything About the Upcoming School Year Feels Wrong -- TODAY post by Jenny Albers Why One School is Turning to Outdoor Classrooms Amid Coronavirus  -- What About School? -- Building Boys post Parenting Teenage Boys w Joshua Wayne -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 18:50 STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting teenage boys is HARD.  Their brains aren't yet fully mature yet they're bigger and stronger than most parents. They have more energy than their parents -- and when they are bound and determined to do what they want to do (regardless of what you or anyone else says), the energy can seem more like a curse than a blessing. Joshua Wayne is a parenting coach, speaker and dad-to-a-son. He's also a formerly troubled teenage boy. Joshua knows what's going through many boys' heads -- and he knows how to help parents reach their sons. Joshua Wayne and his family Just as nearly all businesses and non-profit organizations have a board of directors to guide them, "every kid as their own board of directors," Joshua says, "a virtual round table" of influential individuals, including his friends, the celebrities he follows on Instagram, the musicians he listens to, sports figures he admires and maybe a teacher, coach or other trusted adult. "Your #1 objective as a parent is to be on your kid's board of directors," Joshua says. "You don't need to be chairman of the board, but you want a seat at that table." The key to earning your seat: creating and maintaining a strong relationship with your son.  "There is no more surefire way to get yourself kicked off your son's board of directors than fighting the wrong battles with him," Joshua says. The #1 battle that gets parents kicked out of their sons circle of influence is SCHOOL AND GRADES. So, stop. Stop stressing out about your son's grades and stop nagging him. Let him take ownership of that part of his life. "School is important; it's just not the most important thing," Joshua says. A battle worth fighting, in Joshua's opinion: tech time. Set (and enforce) reasonable limits so screens don't become your son's whole life. Moms parenting teenage boys need to learn to let go, while maintaining connection with their sons. "Let the boy go, and make room for the man," Joshua says. "if you do this successfully -- give him space and room to become a man -- he will come back to you, and it will be a different relationship than the one he had with you when he was a little boy. It will be a rich, wonderful, adult relationship." In this episode, Janet & Joshua discuss: How to connect with teenage boys Creating a strong relationship w your son Picking your battles Why you MUST stop fighting w your son about school What to do if your son doesn't care about school Why you should let your son fail a class 5 characteristics of healthy boys Boys & tech -- why boys need clear screen limits and guidelines Teenage boys & anger What teenage boys need from their moms and dads Addressing conflict with your son Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: joshuawayne.com -- Joshua's online home The Simple Parenting Guide to Technology: Practical Advice on Smartphone, Gaming and Social Media in Just 40 Pages, by Joshua Wayne -- book mentioned at 21:00 Screens and Boys -- ON BOYS episode Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connection World -- ON BOYS episode featuring Jordan Shapiro Anger & Boys -- ON BOYS episode STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter filled w boy-specific info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Almost 1/3 of boys are trying to gain weight or bulk up.  For years, body image concerns were thought to be a female issue. But superhero costumes for toddler boys  now come equipped with built-in muscles, and popular teen shows such as Outer Banks cast 20-something actors with chiseled faces and abs as 16-year-olds, creating unrealistic expectations for teenage boys (and girls). This is NOT a 16 year old. This is Chase Stokes, age 27, as John B, 16 yr old lead character in Outer Banks. Perhaps it's no wonder that a 2019 study found that 22% of young men ages 18-24 had an eating disorder due to a desire to enhance muscles. Lisa L. Lewis, a journalist who's also the mother of a teen boy, got curious when her college-aged son told her he was "cutting" (drastically reducing calories to reduce body weight) and using supplements to bulk up. Her son, like so many others, started using supplements when he was in high school. "He played football," Lewis says. "So that was really where this whole process started for him." After high school, he became interested in body building and started using supplement and calorie control to reshape his body. That's when Lewis became concerned and reached out to the experts to learn more about supplements, boys and body image. Although nearly 40% of surveyed high school boys report using protein powder or shakes within the last year, and nearly 20% have used creatine (a supplement purported to increase muscle mass), most supplements have not been proven to be safe for teenage boys. Studies to date show that the products are generally safe for adults; there is little to no research on their safety and effectiveness for teenage males. "Part of the issue is that these products are classified as dietary supplements, and the FDA does not actually test those before they go out and hit the shelves," Lewis says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lisa discuss: Why teen boys are drawn to supplements How to differentiate between a healthy interest in fitness and an unhealthy focus on body image Commonly used supplements, including protein powder, creatine, caffeine, testosterone Why you should steer your son away from blends Finding "safer" supplements (Note: look for ones that have been tested by a 3rd party such as NSF for Sport) Helping boys understand the risks of supplements Better approaches to bulking up: good nutrition, training & sleep Sleep -- Lisa has extensively researched teens' sleep habits and school start times as well When to worry about boys and body image Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why Teen Boys Use Supplements -- NYT article by Lisa "Anyone Popular at School Has Muscles": The Rise of the Ripped Teen - Guardian article Sports Nutrition Guide from the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (mentioned at 35:10) Supplement 411 -- a great resource to share w your boysOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Supporting boys' interests is essential, especially in a world that so often tells them their interests are unwelcome. Wanna wrestle? Don't; you might hurt someone. Wanna dance? Don't; that's for girls. Restrained by stereotypes, gender expectations and parents and teachers who prefer boys who sit down and take direction without comment or complaint, too may boys give up their interests. They disengage from school and life and disappear into their rooms and online spaces. It's easier, for many boys, to let go of what they love than to fight for the right to follow their dreams and passions. But when boys let go of their passion, a part of them dies as well. Their interior spark fades; they become dull and listless. Their gifts remain locked inside As boys divorce themselves for their inner lights, the world risks losing out on the special gifts that child was meant to manifest in the world. Today's guest, Jeremy Neves, understands the importance of supporting boys' interests. When he heard about 5-year-old Adrian's efforts to buy a Lamborghinii -- efforts that included an attempted drive to California in the family vehicle -- he reached out to the family. At a time when many were focused on the danger that could have befallen young Adrian, Neves focused on the boys' grit and determination. "Let's not miss the gift and genius of this little boys," Neves told The Washington Post. "He was determined, willing to do whatever it took to go after his dream. You don't want that dreaming to stop." He reminds us that "where focus goes, energy flows" -- which suggests that acknowledging our boys' good intentions is more useful than focusing on their flaws. Of course, it's not always easy to accept boys' interests. Neves struggled when his son gravitated toward Elsa, Barbie and princess dresses. "I had all these insecurities and fears," Neves says. "Number one, what do other parents think about me? What do they think about my kid? What's going to happen when kids start making fun of him?" Frustrated with his son's behavior, Neves tossed the boy's dolls and dresses -- and his relationship with his son suffered. The boy became distant and hostile. After a mentor helped Neves confront his fears, he took his son shopping. For a dress. "Our relationship went a whole other level that day,"  Neves says. "Kids, they sense energy. They understand and they read energy. The last thing I want is for my son to think he's wrong or he's bad or that I don't love him. I want my son to know that, no matter what, I love him." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jeremy discuss: Learning to look for the good Why supporting boys' interests is so important Rewarding bad behavior? The power of encouragement Parenting strong-willed boys Directing boys' energy Learning to accept boys' interests What to do when your son gravitates toward "girl" things Facing your fears Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Building Boys Bulletin 5-18-20 -- all about Adrian's Lamborghini adventure (& why it matters) My Boys Can Parenting -- another ON BOYS episode about supporting boys' interests STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

He couldn’t sleep. Mike’s face stung from the gash and the stitches and a pulsing ache radiated from the back of his skull. His knuckles were shredded, and his arm throbbed under the thick bandages. Whether he closed or opened his eyes -- even his EYES hurt -- the images were there. Like grainy documentary footage. Some of it in motion, some of it still... That’s the start of chapter 2 of Wilderness Therapy, a new book by Paul Cumbo,a long-time teacher and coach. We don’t ordinarily talk about fiction here on ON BOYS, but this book is exceptional. It’s written for boys and tackles issues that are familiar to every boy -- loss, failure, grief, family and rage. "Teenage boys are complex creatures," Paul says, and his novel tells the story of one such boy, Mike, a teenager who's lost his father, his brother and his way. "I hoped that in telling Mike's story, there'd be a window for boys -- and people who love boys -- to help them see that, even in the most rugged terrain, there is a path to be found or made," Paul says. That message is extremely important for teenage boys and their parents & teachers, who too often tend to assume the worst when a boy makes a poor choice. As a teacher, coach and parent, Paul functions from a "presupposition of the good;" he assumes that those he encounters are functioning from a position of good intentions. "There's great value in looking at a messy situation, acknowledging the mess and then noticing that it's not all mess," he says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Paul discuss: How teenage boys are like the Grand Canyon Why you should assume the best about boys How to use movement to help boys process emotions and problems The value of purposeful work, travel and service Getting boys to read and write The difference between passion and obsession Boys and anger Intrinsic motivation Honoring boys' interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wilderness Therapy -- Paul's book on Amazon PaulCumbo.com -- Paul's online home; includes links to his other books Somos Amigos -- service organization mentioned at about 16:30 Will you share? Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin:  Use this linkOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Summer slide (noun): The loss of academic skills and knowledge over the course of summer vacation Photo by bcrumpler via Flicker Parents (& educators) have long worried about the things kids "forget" over the summer. This year, on the tail of a pandemic-interrupted school year that launched valiant attempts at unplanned remote learning, parents (& educators) are more concerned than ever before. According to a recent New York Times article, 3/4 of parents of children under 12 and 64% of parents of teens feel that it's more important to do parent-led educational activities with their children this summer than in previous summers.  Just 17% of surveyed parents said they do not feel this pressure. We're here to tell you that you can take a break. There are a lot of ways to combat summer slide and help boys learn -- and none of them have to be painful. "Relax!" Janet says. "Lower your expectations, give yourself some grace, play and get outside." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The truth about summer slide (Spoiler: summer learning losses aren't as large as many people think) Why you should focus on your son's mental health instead of academic achievement Decreasing screen-dependency Nature deficit disorder How to get your boy OUTSIDE Natural learning How to keep kids busy in the summer Teaching boys to play independently Helping kids self-entertain Encouraging self-relianceCommon Sense Skills camp How to reinforce math & reading skills Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: "Nature Deficit Disorder" is Really a Thing -- NYT article discussed at 8:05 School's Out. Parental Burnout Isn't Going Away -- NYT article mentioned at 11:04 Pandemic Parenting Was Already Relentless. Then Came Summer -- NYT article How to Prevent Your Kids From Losing What They Learned in School During Summer Vacation -- Scholastic article We're Running a Common Sense Camp for Our Kids This Summer -- article mentioned at about 19:00 Dad, How Do I? -- YouTube channel mentioned at 22:35 Summer Survive & Thrive Tips -- ON BOYS episode Garth Brooks: The Road I'm On -- documentary mentioned at 24:30Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Roughhousing can teach boys about healthy touch. Photo by SnarkleMotion via Flickr Society teaches boys that there are two kinds of "acceptable" touch for males: sex, and aggression. No wonder so many boys and men turn to sex and aggression to meet their very human need for touch! Physical play -- including play wrestling, "chase" games and roughhousing -- give boys multiple opportunities to experience healthy touch while learning about boundaries and consent. "Roughhousing is really more like dancing than fighting," Dr. Cohen says. "It can look like fighting, but the participants have to be really tuned in to each other." Building in frequent stops and starts can prevent physical play from getting out of control, Dr. Cohen says. Make it fun: "Freeze!" "OK, go!" Not sure if the kids are having fun or legitimately trying to hurt one another? Ask. A question that's not asked nearly enough, Dr. Cohen says, is "Are you enjoying this?" Also: tears don't necessarily mean the session was a disaster or ill-advised. "Tears are fine as long as there's comforting and a pause and connection," Dr. Cohen says. "If it's tears and then humiliation, it's the humiliation that's the problem, not the tears." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lawrence discuss: The importance of healthy touch Difference between fighting & roughhousing Why moms should roughhouse with their boys The "sock game" Ground rules: yay or nay? How to keep roughhousing from getting out of control When to intervene in rough play NOTE: The sound quality on this episode is still less-than-ideal. Jen was experiencing technical difficulties. The good news is that those episodes are now resolved. :)  Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Art of Roughhousing: Good, Old-Fashioned Horseplay and Why Every Kid Needs It, by Dr. Lawrence Cohen & Dr. Anthony T. DeBenedet Playful Parenting: An Exciting New Approach to Raising Children that Will Help You Nurture Close Connections, Solve Behavior Problems and Encourage Confidence, by Dr. Lawrence Cohen PlayfulParenting.com — Lawrence’s website 6 Reasons Why You Should Roughhouse with Your Kids - the article that led us to Dr. Cohen Rough and Tumble Games to Play with Boys This Summer -- BuildingBoys blog post Sexual Abuse Affects Boys Too -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Dr. Cohen LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dads are so important! We can't talk about raising boys without also talking about the men who help create and parent them. Dad were boys long before they were fathers, and they understand boyhood and the path to manhood in a way we never will. So, this Father's Day, we turned the mic over to 5 dads: Doc, a Wisconsin-based father of 3 Doc & his 3 kids Doc's advice for moms of boys: "It's going to be OK. It takes boys a long time to fully develop." Luis, a NY-based dad of 2 boys.... Louis, dad of 2 ....who says, "I didn't realize I'd be afraid for my children so often." Chris, a New Hamsphire resident and father of 2 Chris, Dad of 2 Chris reminds us that "your boys don't need you to a superhero. They need you to be kind. They need you to be model of how to manage strong emotions and strong feelings. They need you to be YOU." Phillip, a Portland, OR-based father and grandfather Phillip, Dad & Papa Boys, Phillip says, have a lot of energy and good intentions. Casey, an Idaho-based dad of 2 young boys Casey, Dad of 2 "The father/son relationship is so challenging," Chris says, noting that his view of his dad has changed over the years. Now, Chris says he's "inspired to be just like." THANK YOU TO ALL THE MEN WHO ARE HELPING RAISE THE NEXT GENERATION! In this episode, the dads discuss:Fatherhood How mothers can support fathers What dads are trying to teach their sons What moms need to know about boys The mother/son relationship The father/son relationship Parenting boys Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Charlie Capen on Fatherhood & Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Being a Stay-at-Home Dad -- ON BOYS episode LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

At least 1 in 5 people are differently wired, says Debbie Reber, founder of TiLT Parenting. Differently wired kids are neurologically atypical. They perceive the world differently than their peers and express themselves differently as well. These differences can be subtle or glaring, and as a parent or teacher, it can be hard to know how to respond to these quirks. Debbie and her husband noticed their son Asher's differences early on. He was "more intense, more precocious, more challenging" than similarly aged children and was "moving through the world in a different way" than his peers. By elementary school, his differences were creating challenges. Eventually, the family learned that Asher is "twice exceptional;" he's gifted and has some learning challenges, including ADHD and executive functioning and sensory issues. The diagnoses confirmed Debbie's gut instinct: Asher moves through the world differently than most boys his age. But the diagnoses didn't unveil any magic solutions. The family still had to learn how to help Asher thrive. "It's tricky to figure out a path and a plan when your child doesn't fit the box," Debbie says. "It's important to realize that there is no handbook for these kids. It's really about trying to identify your child's areas of weakness, learning what kind of support might help them right now and then taking one step at a time." Identifying and supporting your son's strengths is also essential. After all, differences aren't necessarily a bad thing. "We value disruptors as the innovators, the people creating new products and solving the problems of the world. Disruption is a buzzword!" Debbie says. "Our kids are disruptors because they're non-conformists, they see the world differently, they're going to challenge authority and question everything. Isn't that what we want?" In this episode, Jen, Janet & Debbie discuss: Identifying differently wired children What to do if people dismiss your concerns about your son's behavior The link between lagging skill development and "bad behavior" Respectful transparency (or, how to talk to your son about his challenges) How to find help for your differently wired kid Why you need to challenge your beliefs about what you (and your child) "should" do Homeschooling as an option for differently wired boys Why non-conformity and disruption are good things Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: tiltparenting.com -- TiLT Parenting online (includes links to TiLT Parenting Podcast too) TiLT Together FB Group Differently Wired: A Parent's Guide to Raising an Atypical Child with Confidence and Hope, by Debbie Reber Twice Exceptional Boys (w Ramsey Hootman) -- ON BOYS episode ADHD with Ryan Wexelblatt the ADHD Dude -- ON BOYS episode Sensory Processing Disorder w Nancy Peske -- ON BOYS episode Snoop Dogg listening to Let It Go (Video mentioned at 29:02. Trust us & watch this video if you haven't seen it yet!) Why the Future Will be Differently Wired -- Debbie's 2018 TEDx Talk The "New Normal" Kids and Why We Need to Embrace Them -- Debbie's 2019 TEDx Talk "My Boy Can" Parenting -- our first ON BOYS conversation w Sassy Harvey (mentioned at 36:33) LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Black boys matter. Such a simple statement. And yet... George Floyd is dead. His name joins the long list of others (Trayvon Martin, Philando Castile, Tamir Rice, Michael Brown, etc., etc., etc...) whose lives have been cut short by racism, bias and brutality. Photo via Pixabay We here at ON BOYS are NOT OK with the status quo. We are committed to equity and opportunity, to listening and learning. We will not be silent.  This week -- and as often as possible -- we are amplifying black voices. Today’s guest is Chandra White-Cummings, a freelance writer and lawyer who’s served as a policy fellow for Moms of Black Boys United. We also encourage you to check out Chandra's recent Washington Post article, "We Need More White Parents to Talk to Their Kids About Race. Especially Now," and her new Race@Home multimedia series, featuring conversations about race, socialization and parenting. “There is a lot of discussion going on about suicide, mental health, emotional wellness and stigma, much of it centered around what’s going on in the African-American and other communities of color,” Chandra says. “However, often, it is the sad unfortunate case that African-American women — moms — don’t get invited into these conversations.” Let's listen, and then act. #BlackLivesMatter #podcastblackout In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chandra discuss: Factors affecting mental health in the African-American community Implicit, unconscious bias How racism causes parents to “over-pathologize” black boys’ behavior The loss of protective factors — tight-knit communities, nearby family — that once helped support mental health The need for connection How society often misinterprets anxiety and depression in boys — which may manifest as rage and irritability — as “danger” rather than symptomatic of a mental health concern Racial disparities in schools How to begin dismantling implicit bias How trauma impacts mental health —  & how the legacy of slavery impacts mental health today Why it’s time to listen to (rather than study) the black community Engaging in conversations about racism Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: We Need More White Parents to Talk to Their Children About Race. Especially Now. -- Washington Post article by Chandra Race@Home conversation between Chandra & Jen www.cwcmediagroup.com — Chandra’s website. Includes links to many of her articles Addressing Racism & Racial Disparities with Hilary Beard — ON BOYS episode The 1619 Project — NYT multi-media examination of the impact of slavery on the United States Teen Football Star Bryce Gowdy Faced Struggles Before His Suicide — news story mentioned by Chandra at 32:14 Writing My Wrongs: Life, Death, and Redemption in an American Prison, by Shaka Senghor — book mentioned by Chandra at 48:08 Chokehold: Policing Black Men, by Paul Butler — book mentioned by Chandra at 48:03 Survival Math: Notes on an All-American Family, by Mitchell Jackson — memoir about growing up black in Portland, OR What Set Me Free: A True Story of Wrongful Conviction, a Dream Deferred, and a Man Redeemed, by Brian Banks We Speak for Ourselves: A Word from Forgotten Black America, by D. Watkins LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Lee Carson via Flickr  1 in 5 boys experience sexual abuse before their 18th birthday.  More than one-quarter of male victims of a completed rape (27.8%) experienced their first rape when they were 10 years of age or younger. And 43% of men report experiencing some form of sexual harassment and/or assault in their lifetime.   Today's guest, psychologist Lawrence Cohen, founded one of the first therapy groups for male survivors of sexual abuse. As recently as the 1980s and '90s, there was little public awareness that males could be victims of sexual abuse. Indeed, even today, parents and teachers spend much more time talking to girls than boys about the possibility of sexual abuse or harassment. Girls are taught how to stay safe & how to call for help; boys are mostly told to not sexually abuse or harass females. "The lack of awareness, education and understanding leaves boys very vulnerable," Dr. Cohen says. Societal expectations also contribute to boys' vulnerability to sexual abuse. Consider: Boys are socialized to believe that males should want sex at any time, anywhere, with anybody Boys aren't encouraged to feel or express their emotions Boys are not cuddled, loved and nurtured in the same way girls are "Boys walk around hungry for that kind of nurturing, touch and gentleness, and unfortunately, there are people who will exploit that and take advantage of that," Dr. Cohen says. The #MeToo movement has brought the issue of sexual assault and harassment into public conversation, but the "dominant [public] view is that men are the perpetrators and women are the victims," Dr. Cohen says. Which means that it is absolutely essential for parents and teachers of boys to counter that prevailing narrative. Boys need to know that they (or their friends) can be victims of sexual assault or harassment. They need to be taught red flags that indicate questionable behavior, and they need to know how to safely reach out for help. NOTE: We know our sound quality is less-than-ideal on this episode. Jen's desktop computer AND laptop crashed right before we were scheduled to record, which meant she had to use her phone to join the conversation. Please forgive the poor sound quality; we had Larry on the line and thought his message was important enough to power through our technical challenges. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Lawrence discuss: Why so many men & boys don't disclose sexual abuse How sexist stereotypes and unhealthy expectations of masculinity increase boys' vulnerability to abuse Why you must teach young boys about emotions Educating boys about consent and boundaries The importance of acknowledging sexual pleasure -- & the fact that bodies may respond, whether or not the touch was wanted or welcome Violent vs seductive sexual abuse Grooming leading to sexual abuse The emotional impact of abuse How to support a boy or man who discloses abuse What to do if you have a "gut feeling" that something is wrong How roughhousing teaches boys about healthy touch Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: PlayfulParenting.com -- Lawrence's website Stop Sexual Abuse with These 6 Steps -- classic BuildingBoys post Pay attention to Stop Sexual Abuse -- another BuildingBoys post Sexual Abuse & Penn State -- 2011 BuildingBoys post Managing Emotions - ON BOYS episode Consent with Mike Domitrz - ON BOYS episode How to Teach Consent to Boys -- Without Shaming Them -- award-winning Your Teen article by Jen LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Chores, Victoria Prooday says, are the most efficient way to build our boys' emotional muscle. Prooday, a psychotherapist, occupational therapist and speaker, is convinced that self-regulation is the key to success -- and science backs up her assertion. As early as 1998, psychologists were publishing papers and chapters stating that, "Self-regulation has major, important implications for success in life...People who are good at self-regulation show a multitude of advantages over other people, in both task performance and interpersonal relations." Meanwhile, our best parenting intentions led us astray. "Even thought we know the the key to success in life is self-regulation, what we offer our children is a lifestyle that promotes the exact opposite," Prooday says. "They are constantly entertained. There is not a moment of boredom. No responsibilities, no chores." The answer, she says, is to "educate our children about what will actually make them successful," Grades and popularity don't guarantee success or satisfaction. Instead, our children need to develop the ability to work hard and persist despite challenges and boredom. Chores can help our children develop self-regulation, but (as you've likely already learned), simply telling your child (OK, yelling at your child) "You need to help me around the house!" is not effective. That's why Prooday explains the why to children. "Your brain is just like a muscle," she says. "You train it the same way you train a physical muscle; you train your emotional muscle." Prooday emphasizes that fact that regular chores -- which must be done even though they're boring and regardless of whether or not one feels like doing them -- help the brain develop persistence and the ability to delay gratification. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Victoria discuss: How good intentions can lead us astray Regulation vs. dysregulation How chores build self-discipline Why parents should talk to children about the effects of technology on the brain Balancing physical activity with screen time during the pandemic The 20-20-20 rule -- when using screens, look away every 20 minutes, for 20 seconds, to a distance of 20 feet Setting kids up for success How frequent breaks can fuel productivity (& decrease fighting about online school!) The importance of handwriting Benefits of handwritten assignments vs. screen-based assignments Tapping into boys' desire to contribute to the greater good Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: yourot.com -- Victoria's website The Silent Tragedy Affecting Today's Children -- Victoria's 35 million download blog post Screens and Boys -- ON BOYS episode LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

There are 10 million single moms in the United States. Many are raising boys. And despite the naysayers, many are doing a great job! Is single parenting difficult, especially during a pandemic? Absolutely. But single moms have more power and potential than they realize, says Emma Johnson, aka Wealthy Single Mommy. Johnson, a single mom of two (a boy and a girl), is the author of The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self and Raise Fabulous, Healthy Children. She's also the founder of Wealthy Single Mommy and a strong advocate for shared parenting.   In this episode, Jen, Janet & Emma discuss: Parenting during the pandemic Single parent stressors How single moms can give to others Building systems of support Co-parenting -- & how to navigate co-parenting during a pandemic How (& why) moms need to to include fathers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Wealthy Single Mommy -- Emma's website The Kickass Single Mom: Be Financially Independent, Discover Your Sexiest Self, and Raise Fabulous, Happy Children, by Emma Johnson Single Mom Stimulus Grant - Emma is currently giving away $500 each week to a single mom, no strings attached. Apply here Moms for Shared Parenting --  an activist organization promoting equally shared parenting Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- BuildingBoys blog post Millionaire Single Moms -- Emma's FB group Being a Single Mom During This Pandemic is No Small Feat -- Your Teen article In Defense of Single Moms Raising Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post Tips for Single Moms Raising Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is mom in control at your house?  We don't mean "in control" in the dictator sense, or in the mom-is-storming-around-the-house-yelling-at-everyone way. We don't even mean "in control" to mean "your house is neat and orderly and your children do exactly as you say." We mean in control of YOURSELF. After all, the only thing you can really control are your thoughts and actions. "The first thing I always say is, if you want to feel in control in your life, you have to give up control," says Heather Chauvin , a strategic parenting expert and mom of 3 boys, currently ages 7, 10 and 15. "Because when you're trying to control you children's behavior, when you're trying to control and plan with no flexibility and then this happens and your routine is blown up, you will feel out of control." So, let go. Figure out where you want to focus your time and energy. Figure out how you want to feel. Then, make choices that reflect those priorities. It's OK to insert a pair of ear plugs when you need some peace and quiet. (In fact, Heather recommends investing in a pair of noise-canceling headphones!) You do not need to be available to your children, your partner, your work or your friends 24/7. You too deserve down time and time to work on personal projects -- and you will be a better mom if you give yourself that time. "When you're able to figure out how to protect yourself -- your space, your energy -- you're literally teaching your children how to respect themselves," Heather says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Heather discuss: Coping with increased screen time Why you should invest in a pair of noise-canceling headphones Boundary setting Motivating boys How you can change the energy in your home -- & get your boy to come out of his room Dealing with online school Letting go of other people's expectations Helping our kids handle anxiety and uncertainty Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: heatherchauvin.com -- Heather's online home Mom is in Control -- Heather's podcast Mom is in Control Business podcast -- Heather's business-oriented podcast LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And subscribe to Building Boys Bulletin, a weekly email newsletter jam-packed with info & inspiration. Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

A generation ago, few people thought much about understanding gender. Then, gender seemed simple and straightforward: boy or girl, male or female. Things are different today. Merriam-Webster declared they the 2019 word of the year, and there's increasing recognition of the fact that gender is not strictly binary. What does this have to do with boys? Well, our boys are living in a time when it's okay to openly discuss and think about gender. Many of our boys have peers who self-identify as gender-fluid or genderqueer -- and even if they don't have personal friends or acquaintances who are navigating the gender continuum, our sons are growing up in the world in which they (and we) can't assume a person's gender based on physical appearance or anything else. Also: some of us are learning that children we pegged as our daughters might actually be our sons. For many parents (and teachers) -- who grew up in times and places where gender wasn't discussed or pondered but assumed -- this "new" reality can be a bit confusing. But as Alex Iantaffi tells us, gender fluidity has been a part of human experience for millennia. "Gender creativity has always existed across time and space," says Dr. Iantaffi, a licensed marriage and family therapist, parent and author of numerous books about gender. "But at some point in modern science, we have developed this idea of a gender binary and now we think that's 'normal' and 'natural.'" This is a must-listen episode for modern parents who are interested in understanding gender. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Alex discuss: Real-life pandemic parenting All the terms: LGBTQ+, LGBTQIA, LGBTQ2S, cisgender, trans, non-binary, pansexual, gender fluid, intersex, heteronormative The difference between gender & sexuality Is the internet responsible for gender curiosity? Gender creativity throughout history How to support a child who is questioning gender What to do if your boy tells you he's a girl Inclusive language Protecting a gender-nonconforming child in the larger world Harassment of trans, nonbinary and LGBTQ childre Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: alexiantaffi.com -- Alex's online home Gender Stories -- Alex's podcast Gender Reveal -- another podcast, recommended by Alex Life Isn't Binary: On Being Both, Beyond and In-Between, by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker How to Understand Your Gender: A Practical Guide to Exploring Who You Are, by Alex Iantaffi and Meg-John Barker Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by Jen Additional Resources Recommended by Alex: Sorted: A Memoir of Growing Up, Coming Out, and Finding My Place (A Transgender Memoir), by Jackson Bird Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of An American Family, by Amy Ellis Nutt Transforming Families Minnesota - a a community for transgender, gender non-conforming and questioning youth and their families PFLAG - America's first and largest organization for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer (LGBTQ+) people, their parents and families LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The phrase "adult children" is an oxymoron: the words adult and children clearly describe very different things, and it's impossible to be an adult and a child at the same time. Except it's not. Most of us are adult children; Jen is 47 and a bona fide adult, but she's also still the child of Al & Pat Wondra. She's also the parent of at least one adult child, a 22 year old who's been living independently for 4 years. Of course, the parent/child relationship changes as children grow into adults -- and that transition can be fraught and confusing for both parents and children. Jen & her 2 oldest boys "Our kids grow and change, and so do we as parents," Janet says. Supporting our emerging adults' ambitions isn't always easy. Sometimes, their goals -- to move far away, for instance -- conflict with our personal preferences. Sometimes, we're genuinely concerned for our grown kids' well-being because our years of living have alerted us to dangers our children haven't yet encountered. It's not easy to thread the needle between support and protection. "I've had to step aside and quietly support the choices my children have made," Janet says -- including her daughter's decision to spend 6 months in Europe as a high school junior and, later, 2 years as a Peace Corps volunteer in western Africa. "The adjustment I've had to make in myself and my children have been huge. It's gut-wrenching sometimes." It all comes down to love "We love our kids so much," Janet says. "We want the best for them, and meanwhile we have to nurture that little crack in our hearts." In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Acknowledging the many emotions we experience as our children grow Adjusting to reality Navigating our aging process alongside our kids' (Menopause + puberty!) The lack of support for parents of adult children Finding friendship with your children Handling our feelings of grief and loss The importance of staying connected to your own interests Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- the BuildingBoys  blog post Jen mentions at 13:13 On Graduation & Growing -- BuildingBoys blog post LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Nik Anderson via Flickr COVID-19 (the disease caused by the novel coronavirus) has changed everything. Our daily lives now look nothing like we imagined at the beginning of the year. We're hunkered down in our homes, and wondering how to get toilet paper and flour -- basics we once took for granted. Some of us are working from home and trying to figure out how the $*#( to juggle full-time work with with full-time family. Others have to go to work in spite of the virus, often fearing for their safety. Many have lost work, and our kids have lost the rhythm and routines associated with school. Given the challenges, we thought now might be a good time for another Listener Q & A. You asked: How do we help our boys step up to the self-motivation and self-discipline necessary to do online school? Jen says, "Our kids likely are not going to be better with online learning, in the middle of a pandemic, than they were going before. If your son struggled with self-discipline,organization and motivation before, it's not going to be better now. It will probably be worse." Fighting with or badgering your son isn't likely to help. Instead, reorient your expectations: It's OK (for all of us!) to not be super motivated at the moment. Then, communicate with your son's teachers.  Parents of high schoolers asked us how to motivate boys to take action toward their futures. Christine said: My son is a junior and has huge aspirations for Air Force Academy/fighter pilot, but is REALLY struggling with the big self motivation/dedication required to take the steps for that process. We encourage a pause and some deep breaths. We're all having trouble planning for the future right now, as none of us know what the future holds. Anger & irritability are common right now. You asked: Why is every single thing I say so annoying to my son? and What do we do with angry boys? Jen reminds us that "many people -- especially boys -- are reacting with anger because they haven't learned to identify fear." In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Managing the many demands on our time (work, school, family, cooking, disinfecting...!) Why it's okay to NOT do all the assignments school is sending home Using nature and humor to relieve stress Learning from life Navigating online schooling Planning for the future when the future is uncertain Getting comfortable with the unknown Managing fear and discomfort Why you should share your feelings with your son The importance of physical activity (to release energy and anger) Teaching boys to pay attention to their bodies and minds Vaping & drinking -- some teens may be experiencing withdrawal When to reach out for professional support Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Coping with Coronavirus - ON BOYS episode Managing Emotions -- ON BOYS episode featuring Ellen Dodge's advice on dealing with feelings during the coronavirus crisis Anger & Boys -- ON BOYS episode 104 Decoding Boys with Dr. Cara Natterson -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 24:40 Mental Health & COVID-19: Information and Resources -- includes links to financial assistance, tools to cope with anxiety and MULTIPLE hotlines, text lines & online supports LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Baby boys' testosterone levels are nearly the same as teenage boys'. But for the first few weeks after conception, well, there's no discernible difference between a male embryo and a female embryo. The testosterone surge that occurs in the 2nd and 3rd trimesters of pregnancy is responsible for the cascade of developmental changes that what differentiates a boy baby from a girl baby, and from then on, "testosterone drive the bus," Janet says. Photo by roxie_jc via Flickr Understanding male development will help you understand your boys and what they need. It may help you relax and enjoy your child as well. "When parents understand male development and what is developmentally appropriate, they feel less anxious if their son can't do the same things as their neighbor's daughter," Jen says. Join us as we discuss the development and growth of baby boys, toddlers and preschoolers. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Prenatal development of baby boys How testosterone influences the development of male infants Male vulnerability to health problems How lack of father involvement affects boys Nature vs. nurture Bonding with baby boys Why boys may "take longer" to hit developmental milestones What to look for in a daycare, preschool and elementary school setting Nature & forest preschools The link between movement and learning Why we can't expect our little ones to live on our adult timeline Using empathy when kids struggle with transitions How screen time affects language development Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why Men Die Younger Than Women: The "Guys Are Fragile" Thesis -- NPR story Study Finds Moms Talk More to Babies, Especially Baby Girls Nature Preschools American Forest Kindergarten Association (We love this quote from their founder, Erin Kenny: "Children cannot bounce off the walls if we take the walls away.") Toddlers' Screen Time Linked to Slower Speech Development, Study Finds - PBS story Story Time, Not Screen Time: Why E-Books Aren't Better for Toddlers LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How can we help our boys grow into healthy men? Ted Bunch, chief development officer of A Call to Men, says he thinks that the key is to support our boys as they become their authentic selves. Ted Bunch "I think the biggest challenge for us is really allowing our boys to show us, say to us and demonstrate to us who they really are," Bunch says, without us excessively trying to mold them. Our job isn't to make boys conform; our job is "to allow them to blossom, to really show who they are." For centuries, boys have been expected to conform to the "Man Box," a rigid set of rules that describe how a boy or man should behave. The problem is that those rigid rules often keep boys from living full, authentic lives. It keeps them from speaking out when they see another male harming an individual or group. It keeps them from expressing, acknowledging and dealing with their physical and emotional pain. All of which harms our boys and those they interact with. Because the "Man Box" -- and our culture -- continues to equate masculinity with sexual conquest, the vast majority of our boys are confused. We tell them that consent is important and that they should treat all people with respect, but they see and hear very different behavior in movies, in music and in the real world. No wonder 8 out of 10 boys can't accurately define "consent."  Notes: these are well-meaning, good boys. But despite their best intentions (and their parents' best intentions) are boys are growing up in a culture that still suggests (in so many ways!) that the proper male response to "no," in a sexual situation, is to "try harder." In our for our boys to grow into healthy men, we must provide accurate, detailed information. We must show them our respect and support. And we need to talk with our boys. This episode is a must-listen for dads of boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ted discuss: The biggest challenges boys face on the road to becoming healthy men How to help boys find (and express) their "authentic self" The "Man Box" Pornography's effect on boys Conversations dads need to have with their sons Teaching boys consent Empower boys to say "no" to unwanted sexual activity How sexual abuse harms boys and men Grappling with Kobe Bryant's legacy, which includes a history of sexual assault ("More than one thing can be true at the same time," Ted says.) Why it's imperative to help boys consider how their behavior impacts other people Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: A Call to Men -- includes helpful information & data, as well as links to their programs LIVERESPECT curriculum -- FREE resource from A Call To Men, ideal for middle and high school aged boys Tony Porter's TED Talk about the Man Box   What I've Learned Since My Son Came Out -- article by Ted, mentioned at 38:37 "My Boy Can" Parenting -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Is honesty the best policy?  Not necessarily, says Judi Ketteler, author of Would I Lie to You? The Amazing Power of Being Honest in a World That Lies. If Judi's name (and voice) sound familiar to you, it's because she's been on the podcast before: in Oct. 2018, she talked to us about parenting risk-taking boys. (Her son, Maxx, is into Gtramp, an extreme trampoline sport.) We all want our boys to be decent, honest human beings, but the truth is, honesty isn't a black-and-white issue. As Judi learned, there are a whole host of reasons why people lie: We want others to like us. We don't want to hurt someone's feelings. We want to avoid a conflict. We're protecting someone (or something). In some cases, lying is healthy -- so telling our kids to be honest all the time is actually a bit hypocritical because our kids see and hear us lying. Believe it or not, a big part of maturity is figuring out when and how to lie. "We think that our kids grow out of lying, but actually they grow into lying," Judi says. If you really want to raise honest, moral children, begin by investigating your own relationship with honesty. "There's such power in saying, 'I'll start with me,'" Judi says. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Judi discuss: Why kids -- and adults -- lie How lying  behavior changes as humans grow Prosocial lying, or lying for the benefit of others Helping kids be honest and moral online Why you should "engage at the level of reality they're looking for" How to handle Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny What to do when you know your child is lying to you The connection between shame, lying and honesty Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Would I Lie to You? The Amazing Power of Being Honest in a World That Lies -- Judi's book Risk-Taking Boys with Mom Judi Ketteler -- ON BOYS episode 132 Should You Be Lying to Your Kids About Santa? -- Judi's TIME magazine article I Didn't Do It! -- Scholastic Parent & Child article by Jen Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Suicide rates among black boys ages 13-19 rose 60% from 2001 to 2017. And for children ages 5-12, black males are committing suicide at higher rates than any other racial or ethnic group. Significant numbers of black boys are ending their lives before puberty. This is not OK. "There is a lot of discussion going on about suicide, mental health, emotional wellness and stigma, much of it centered around what's going on in the African-American and other communities of color," says today's guest, Chandra White-Cummings is a lawyer who's served as a policy fellow for Moms of Black Boys United. "However, often, it is the sad unfortunate case that African-American women -- moms -- don't get invited into these conversations." That's not OK either. Together, Chandra, Janet and Jen attempt to untangle the intertwining threads that affect black boys' mental health (and their parents' mental health) and figure out how parents, teachers and communities can effectively support black boys. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Chandra discuss: Factors affecting mental health in the African-American community Implicit, unconscious bias How racism causes parents to "over-pathologize" black boys' behavior The loss of protective factors -- tight-knit communities, nearby family -- that once helped support mental health The need for connection How society often misinterprets anxiety and depression in boys -- which may manifest as rage and irritability -- as "danger" rather than symptomatic of a mental health concern Racial disparities in schools How to begin dismantling implicit bias How trauma impacts mental health --  & how the legacy of slavery impacts mental health today Why it's time to listen to (rather than study) the black community Engaging in conversations about racism Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: www.cwcmediagroup.com -- Chandra's website. Includes links to many of her articles Addressing Racism & Racial Disparities with Hilary Beard -- ON BOYS episode The 1619 Project -- NYT multi-media examination of the impact of slavery on the United States Teen Football Star Bryce Gowdy Faced Struggles Before His Suicide -- news story mentioned by Chandra at 32:14 Writing My Wrongs: Life, Death, and Redemption in an American Prison, by Shaka Senghor -- book mentioned by Chandra at 48:08 Chokehold: Policing Black Men, by Paul Butler -- book mentioned by Chandra at 48:03 Survival Math: Notes on an All-American Family, by Mitchell Jackson -- memoir about growing up black in Portland, OR What Set Me Free: A True Story of Wrongful Conviction, a Dream Deferred, and a Man Redeemed, by Brian Banks We Speak for Ourselves: A Word from Forgotten Black America, by D. Watkins LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Kevin Dooley via Flickr How do you help boys deal with change and anxiety? And how can parents deal with boys' incessant energy?  Those are just a few of the questions we tackle in our first listener Q & A of 2020! Jacquie asked: How do you help boys adjust to change and uncomfortable situations (new school, daycare, meeting new kids...)? Eden and Katie also wanted advice on helping boys (and themselves) cope with anxiety, albeit at different ends of the age spectrum. Eden asked: How do you help your teen boy with anxiety? while Katie said My 3.5 year old boy strongly dislikes going to preschool. He started 3 months ago. The teachers reassure me that after I leave, he adjusts and is fine. However, it feels awful to force him through the front door, with the teacher grabbing him on the other side, and him saying he doesn't want to go? Any tips? Ashley -- an introvert -- asked how to cope with her energetic boys: I have 3 boys who love to roughhouse ALL the time. I'm an introvert and thrive in quiet environments. I'm struggling to adjust to the natural rambunctious behavior of little boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Helping boys adjust to change and uncomfortable situations How age and personality affect boys' response to change Working with your son to increase his comfort level Using playacting & anticipatory guidance to prepare boys for new situations Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anxiety and depression Affordable at-home treatment for anxiety Differentiating anxiety from nervousness and excitement Separation anxiety Tips for dealing with overwhelm The importance of self-care for introverted boy parents How you can make your house more movement-friendly Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Helping Teens Cope with Anxiety, Depression & More -- ON BOYS episode Anxiety & Depression in Boys -- ON BOYS episode COPE (Creating Opportunities for Personal Empowerment) -- evidence-based program proven to help kids with anxiety & depression (mentioned at 7:14) Age of Anxiety: Are We "Pathologizing" Normal Emotion? -- article mentioned at 10:18 The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn -- book mentioned at 15:35 (great for those dealing with separation anxiety!) Meagan Francis of The Mom Hour: Parenting in the Digital Age -- ON BOYS episode 4 Ways to Make Your Home Movement-Friendly -- Understanding Boys article by Jen Learning to Live with Boys (w Katy Rank Lev) -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 23:44 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Meagan Francis has been writing, blogging and podcasting about parenting for the better part of 20 years. You might not know her name, but odds are good you've seen a photo of her: That's Meagan, in the hot pink dress. And that's one of her (four) boys under her arm. (Meagan also has a daughter.) If you have kids -- and you probably do, if you're listening to this podcast -- you know that look on her face. You've felt that combination of frustration and determination. And that, likely, is why the photo went viral and remains wildly popular. What you may not know is that the "surfboard kid" photo is 16 years ago. The boy under Meagan's arm is now a 20 year old man she calls "mellow," "sweet, and "reserved." The moral(s) of the story: Whatever you are experiencing today will not last forever. At age three, Meagan's son was a "holy terror." (Her words.) He would hide under clothes racks when they went shopping and was. uh, difficult to control at times. It's easy to assume, when that's your daily reality, that that's how your kid is -- and how he will BE. It's easy to assume that unless you crack down (a.k.a, figure out the "right" way to handle this behavior), your kid will turn into an out-of-control juvenile delinquent. But that is not necessarily the case. What is true: Your child will grow. You will grow. Life in 15 years -- or even next week! -- might look very different than the current moment. Photos (and stories) on the Internet do last forever. Meagan discovered the photo about 6 years ago while going through a box of photographs. She posted it on her Facebook page with an encouraging story -- and then, it took on a life of its own. The photo went viral and has surged in popularity at least 3 separate times, often in slightly different forms. Meagan has noticed that "people's reactions to the photo tend to vary based on what caption is on there." Some moms see it and are supportive. Some -- especially those who see it in the iteration posted above, think, "I'd never!" In this episode, Jen, Janet & Meagan discuss: How a photo from a family wedding turned into the viral "surfboard kid" meme Raising lots of boys -- and coping with silly questions, like, "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?" Life as a #momofboys How family dynamics change over time Responding to internal (and external) parenting pressure Parenting as a single mom Why you might want to get a cat (Meagan's son says getting a cat was the "best thing she ever did for the family") Learning to communicate via sarcasm & joking (Also: What to do when your kids' "joking" hurts your feelings) Navigating screen time & social media Encouraging character, civility & safety online Why you DON'T need to constantly monitor your child's whereabouts and grades Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Mom Hour -- Meagan & Sarah Power's popular parenting podcast Helicopter Parenting & Bulldozer Parenting are Bad for Everyone -- Including Parents -- NBC News article by Meagan (mentioned at 33:20) Surfboard Kid Backstory -- Meagan explains the story behind the viral photo (& what's happened since) What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- NYT article mentioned at 20:34 Dolly Parton's America -- excellent podcast recommended by Janet at about 38:00 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook:  Use this Link Linkedin:  Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jo LangfordSex educator & author How much do you know about the apps KIK, WeChat and My LOL? If you're like most parents, the answer is "not much" (if anything!). You know that cell phones and social media are an important part of tween and teen culture -- in fact, digital communication is the primary source of social connection for many kids today -- but you don't really understand what they do online. As an adult, you're well aware of the potential risks of digital communication, but are unsure which apps and activities are safe. Enter Jo Langford. We last talked to Jo, a therapist, author and sex educator, about sex education in the 21st century. Since then, he's started a podcast to help today's parents understand the apps used by today's kids: APPropriate. Freaking out about your sons' social media activity is never helpful. Jo encourages parents to stop, breathe and be aware. "You don't have to understand every single app out there," Jo says. "There are dozens of them and they're changing all the time; it's just exhausting. What you want to do is get clear about what your values are and communicate that to your kids. Tell your kids what you're OK with them doing, what kind of pictures you're OK with them having, who you're OK with them following and friending and how they behave when they do that." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss: How to tame your fear regarding kids' online activities Tweens' favorite apps: Instagram & Tik Tok Teens' favorite apps: SnapChat and Instagram Why kids may have more than one Instagram account (It's not necessarily nefarious) Whether or not it's OK to kids to have a private space online How you can connect with your child via Tik Tok and Instagram Why young kids (especially) should keep their social circles small How to establish behavioral expectations for social networking and online activities What to do if you find an app on your son's phone that you don't approve of (Hint: Don't yell. Ask questions!) How to use parental controls How to help your kids be conscious of the content they are consuming online Red flag behaviors to watch for -- and what to do if you notice them Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: APPropriate -- Jo's podcast BeHeroes.net -- Jo's online home 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford -- ON BOYS episode The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford Racists are Recruiting. Watch your White Sons. -- NYT op-ed by Joanna Schroeder (discussed at 25:50) How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 33:00 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

340%. The ON BOYS audience grew by 340% this year. We now have listeners in more than 110 countries, including the United States, Canada, Australia, the UK, India, South Africa, Sri Lanka, Botswana and Bolivia -- which means that our message of support for boys is resonating and empowering parents worldwide. This year, we hosted 33 guests, ranging of Phyllis Fagell of Middle School Matters fame to Katy Rank Lev, an ON BOYS listener who shared with us the reality of parenting three young sons. We tackled a wide variety of topics, including esports, vaping, racism, mental health and suicide. We shared, we laughed and sometimes, we cried. Next year, we'll tackle more timely topics and introduce you to more guests. (Already slated for the new year: an episode about the apps your kids use on a daily basis, and a conversation with Meagan Francis of The Mom Hour.) But first, we review 2019. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss our favorite episodes of 2019: Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- our most popular episode of the year! A basic knowledge of boy development, coupled with general familiarity with the many challenges boys face, will help you parent your son. (“There are risk factors to being a boy,” Steve says, pointing out that males are 3 times more likely to die by age 25 than females.) Learning more about the “Full-On 4s” and the “Emotional 8s” will increase your understanding of your son, so you can respond more effectively to his mood changes and growth. How to Raise a Boy with Michael C. Reichert Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  “If we violate boys’ basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue,” he says, “If we meet their basic needs, they’re likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness.” Breaking the Boy Code While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others. "My Boy Can" Parenting At age 4, Sassy Harvey’s son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay.  Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that. Parent From Love, Not Fear (w Bryan Post) The best part about love- vs. fear-based parenting is that you don’t have to understand and even know the details of your child’s trauma. Often, Post says, adoptive parents feel frustrated because they are overwhelmed by their child’s behavior and don’t even know the details of the child’s life pre-adoption. No matter, he says. The parent is likely overwhelmed and frustrated because the “energy of the child triggers something that is already there.” Identifying and dealing with that energy (aka unresolved issue) will lead to dramatic improvement in the parents’ ability to connect with their child. Charlie Capen on Fatherhood and Raising Boys A generation ago, there were few — if any — spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today’s dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children’s lives but they’re still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Building Boys Bulletin -- Jen's newsletter (You can also sign-up via BuildingBoys) Boys Alive Clubhouse -- Janet's new membership site How to Have a Perfectly Imperfect Christmas -- video mentioned at 5:00. Features 2 of our favorite guests, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe & Maggie Dent! STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

CBSN recently released a new documentary, Raising Boys. Among those featured in the documentary: our very own Jennifer L.W. Fink. The intent of the documentary, says producer Kayla Ruble, was to examine "what issues lead to the headlines" that so often announce stories of men behaving badly. The intent was to search for answers to the question that is on the mind of every parent of boys: How do we raise good men?  The documentary features 6  families -- David French, a dad who discusses the difference between raising boys today vs. when he was growing up Gemma Gaudette, the mom of a son who got in trouble for punching a kid who picked on him Mike & Katy Anderson, parents of three active boys who love to wrestle and brawl Roe Anderson, a single mom of a boy who prefers art to sports Ruth Whippman, a mom of three boys who discusses the messages boys receive about masculinity from books and movies Roberto and Tenysa Santiago, parents of three children including a boy who like to paint his nails and wear his hair in a pontail -- as well as expert commentary from Ted Bunch, co-founder of A Call to Men (Tim Bell, a Call to Men mentor and basketball coach also shares his experience) Michael C. Reichert, author of How to Raise a Boy (and a previous ON BOYS guest) Dr. Lise Eliot, author of Pink Brain, Blue Brain Jen! What did you think about the documentary? Are there topics you wish they would have covered? Something you think deserved a deeper dive? Let us know in the comments below! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Kayla discuss: Why CBS felt the time was right to focus on boys What Kayla learned about boys while working on the documentary Parents' attitudes toward the #MeToo and girl empowerment movements Response to the documentary (Spoiler: Many people love it. Others say the FBI and Child Protective Services should be called on the parents.) The pressure and fears felt by parents of boys Evolving gender norms and roles How dads are coping with changing expectations for boys and men Progress toward gender equality Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Raising Boys -- CBSN documentary Raising Boys as Society Redefines Masculinity -- CBS Morning Show segment about the documentary Grown Men Are the Solution, Not the Problem -- article by David French, one of the dads in the documentary Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo -- ON BOYS episode #105 Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

We initially ran this episode in July 2018. But we've gained a lot of followers since then and tween & teen boys have not suddenly gotten better at personal hygiene in the interim. If you're sick of fighting with your boy about hygiene, this episode is a must-listen. Photo by Kasey Eriksen via Flickr Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, “Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?” she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy. Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys. Lots of moms said they’re dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair. Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention? Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits? Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively “Man soap” vs. “girly soap” Axe bombs (Don’t know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!) When — and how — to have the hygiene talk When boys should start using deodorant – & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen’s pro tips!) The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene How to get the stench out of your boys’ gym clothes and sports uniforms Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!) Hair care How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!) BEING NEUTRAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik — A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys. Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent — report of Danish research ON BOYS on YouTube -- watch uncut versions of our conversations Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Middle school," Phyillis Fagell says, "is a stew of simmering hormones, shifting relationships and increased expectations." It's also a time of massive confusion and overwhelm -- for middle school boys and their parents. Phyllis Fagell is a school counselor and the author of Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in Middle School & Beyond and How Parents Can Help. She's also a mom of three; her youngest son is currently in 6th grade. While many of us view the middle school years with terror, Fagell sees them as a time of great opportunity. The question all middle schoolers wrestle with is, "Am I good enough?" Now is the time we can build their self-confidence, competence and coping skills. To do so, though, we need to increase our understanding and compassion. Boys often behave in ways that can be baffling to "boy moms." Case in point: a 7th grade boy might think sharing pictures of his privates via Snapchat is a great way to bond with the guys. (Seriously. Listen in at about 8:45) When we don't take the time to consider our boys' perspective, we often over-react -- & alienate the very children we're trying to help. Middle school boys, Fagell says, love hard, care hard and mean well. They want to be funny and well-liked, but they may not yet have the socioemotional skills and experience to avoid unintentionally harming or even humiliating others. When you understand that fact, parenting middle school boys becomes a whole lot easier. (And more fun!) In this episode, Janet, Jen & Phyllis discuss: What's on the minds of middle school boys Gender stereotypes Boys' friendships Common misconceptions about middle school boys Boys & body image Sensitively supporting boys by validating their feelings Why middle school boys are sometimes obnoxious What to do if you spot inappropriate photos on your son's phone Giving boys space to discuss masculinity Encouraging tween boys autonomy When (& how) to involve the school in your son's academic struggles Handling students/teacher conflicts Helping boys deconstruct the "man box" How to use inoculation therapy to decrease the chances that your son will vape, gossip or try drugs or alcohol Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: PhyllisFagell.com -- Fagell's online home. Includes blog posts and links to her speaking schedule. How Shame Harms Boys -- ON BOYS episode Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode Vaping & E-Cigarette Use: What Parents Need to Know -- ON BOYS episode Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of “boy moms,” including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Image by Kate Ware via Flickr How do you teach boys gratitude? So many parents today are frustrated by their boys' apparent lack of gratitude. All too often, our boys come off as ungrateful, entitled jerks -- and it bugs the bejeezus out of us! We're embarrassed, we're annoyed and we secretly feel like failures, because surely good parents would raise grateful, gracious children, right? Well, the truth is that all children are self-centered; that's part of being a child! As children grow, they gradually learn that they are not the center of the universe, and they gradually -- very gradually -- learn that they must consider others' feelings, desires, and needs as well. Science has shown a strong link between kids' developmental stages and gratitude. Put simply, older teenagers are much more capable of feeling and expressing gratitude than younger younger. In fact, according to an on Harvard Health, "gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity." In other words, your 7-year-old son is not supposed to be great at gratitude. He's still developing the socioemotional skills that will allow him to perceive and appreciate all that others do for him. That said, there's a lot you can do to nurture the development of gratitude in your sons. Happy Thanksgiving! In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The limits of role-modeling in teaching gratitude How emotional development affects gratitude Why boys w ADHD may struggle with gratitude Developmentally appropriate expectations Gratitude's benefits Creating a culture of service and volunteering Drawing kids' attention to the many ways others hep them How wonder & awe create appreciation Concrete steps you can take to teach boys gratitude How keeping a gratitude journal can help combat anxiety and depression Sponsor Spotlight: Stryke Club Skin care specifically made for boys! Created by a group of "boy moms," including a pediatric dermatologist, Stryke Club products are simple, safe and non-drying. Jen's boys have been using Everywhere Wash and Face First for the past month, and their faces are clear. Best of all, they actually use these products (unlike some other products I've brought home). Use discount code ONBOYS to save 10%. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys Social Skills -- ON BOYS episode featuring ADHD expert Ryan Wexelblatt (mentioned at 5:06) Parenting Boys with Maggie Dent (Part 1) -- ON BOYS episode featuring Australia's "boy champion" (mentioned at 22:55) In Praise of Gratitude -- Harvard Health article Seven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids -- Greater Good magazine article LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for Jennifer  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How important is college? That's a fraught question for many families, particularly in an age of rapid technological change and occupational insecurity. We've been told that education is the key to success, but post-secondary education is priced like a luxury item, at least here in the U.S. In his new book, The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us, author Paul Tough writes, "for many young Americans, [the U.S. system of higher education] functions as...an obstacle to mobility, an instrument that reinforces a rigid social hierarchy and prevents them from moving beyond the circumstances of their birth." Ouch. And yet, many of us shy away from that reality. "We're not being honest with ourselves and with our young people about how complex it is to get from high school to the kind of education you need to succeed," Paul says. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Paul discuss: The intense pressure kids feel to achieve academically and go to college A healthier approach to education & learning The value of liberal arts studies Helping boys navigate high-stakes academic decisions Other post-high school options Vocational education  (& why the skilled trades aren't exactly a "no college" option) The truth about welding as a career Supporting boys as they figure out a career and life plan Encouraging resilience, optimism & self-discipline to help boys overcome obstacles Helping boys transition to college (for more, check out this previous episode) Navigating socioeconomic and cultural challenges at college Advocating for systemic changes to higher education Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: www.paultough.com -- Paul's online home. Includes his speaking schedule and links to his online articles. The Years That Matter Most: How College Makes or Breaks Us -- Paul's latest book How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity & the Hidden Power of Character -- 2013 classic by Paul Helping Children Succeed: What Works and Why -- the follow-up book to How Children Succeed Managing the Transition to College -- On Boys episode featuring Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go    LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"You will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting." -- Dr. Vanessa Lapointe Parenting boys is not an easy gig! So often, we are confronted with situations that we simply don't know how to handle. What does one do when your two-year-old insists on pooping in the corner? How should you respond when your tween calls you a "bitch?" What's an appropriate consequence for a boy who's failing all his classes because he refuses to do any of the work? Vanessa Lapointe, a child psychologist and parent of two boys, says those are the wrong questions. Instead of worrying over, "What do I DO when X happens?" she encourages parents to consider "How do I need to BE when X happens?" Her books, Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years and Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, urge parents to take a step back. Despite our best intentions, many of us parent as we were parented. That can be a good thing, but it's also frustrating for many of us who find ourselves yelling more often than connecting. To truly move forward, we need to wrestle with the ways our growing-up experiences affected us -- and that's not easy. "Everyone wants the magic steps. We all want tips and techniques, but that just isn't the way humans go," Dr. Vanessa says. "The truth is, you will be brought to your knees in the act of parenting. As you tumble to your knees and realize that there's this massive shift occurring inside of you, you have a choice: You can choose to stay in the status quo and carry on as-is and come what may, and that may seem like the easier route, but I promise you: down the road, that's not going to be the easier route." Alternately, she says, "you can choose to accept this as what it actually is: an invitation for you to step into your own growth." In this episode, Janet, Jen & Dr. Vanessa discuss: The 2 most powerful influences on how we parent Why you should never accept parenting advice from someone who's not been in the trenches How to effectively parent with a partner when you're on different pages (Spoiler: Your partner's job is to "trigger the beejeebies out of you!" Dr. Vanessa says) Dealing with toddler biting How your emotions affect your parenting Letting go of guilt Dandelion & orchid children What raising 2 boys taught Dr. Vanessa about parenting Why one-size-fits-all parenting will never work Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: drvanessalapointe.com -- Dr. Vanessa's online home Discipline Without Damage: How to Get Your Kids to Behave Without Messing Them Up, by Vanessa Lapointe Parenting Right From the Start: Laying a Healthy Foundation in the Baby and Toddler Years, by Vanessa Lapointe The Work of Byron Katie -- mentioned by Dr. Vanessa at 16:50. Includes tools you can use to question and reframe stressful thoughts LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

November is Military Family Month. We Americans pause on November 11 to recognize the sacrifices of our veterans. This month, let's also remember the sacrifices of their families. If you think it's hard to raise boys, try raising boys in a military environment. Frequent moves and deployments challenge the whole family! Lauren Tamm, creator of The Military Wife and Mom, is a mom of two (a boy and a girl); she's also married to an active-duty Marine. She's passionate about helping parents, teachers, care givers and military spouses discover simple tools that minimize stress, create peace and build connection. Whether or not you're a military family, you're likely to take away a few tips that will help you in everyday life. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Lauren discuss: The challenges -- and unpredictability -- of military life How citizens can support military families Parenting under stress Masculinity in the military Making space for difficult feelings Building resilience & coping skills Managing your emotions so you can effectively help your children Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Military Wife and Mom -- Lauren's blog How to Handle Backtalk and Disrespect Like a Parenting Warrior -- great post by Lauren What No One Tells You About Parenting Toddler Boys -- blog post by Lauren Raising Boys to be Men: 3 Crucial Steps That You're Missing -- a must-read by Lauren (mentioned at 20:02) Multi-State Licenses Help Military Spouse & Other Nurses Start Working Right Away -- article by Jen that highlights how legislation can affect military spouses' employability LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook: Use this Link Linkedin: Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Charlie Capen Humor, says Charlie Capen, is one of the most important tools in parenting. But this actor/musician/writer/dad-of-two-boys isn't afraid to get serious either. Capen is one of the founders of HowToBeADad.com, which he freely admits uses humor as a way to get guys to talk and think about parenting. A generation ago, there were few -- if any -- spaces for dads to discuss the challenges of parenthood. Today's dads often grew up with career-focused fathers who spent little time on day-to-day childcare. Now, fathers are increasingly involved in their children's lives but they're still stymied by stereotypes. Capen is one of the many dads who are blazing a new trail. He encourages all parents to reject stereotypical expectations and instead use their natural gifts and talents to connect with their children. "Every time I tried to be what I thought was a 'good dad,' I removed my creativity and my ability from parenting" Capen says. "I started to do things that we out of character and I left out whole parts of myself, and as soon as I started accepting, 'this is my parenting style & how I choose to live,' more power and ability arose." That's not to say he has parenting figured out. He doesn't. "Parenting is the process of unlearning the things you absolutely thought you knew," Capen says. But "not knowing" is a powerful agent for change. When you accept the fact that you don't have all the answer, you're free to explore and experiment. Wondering why Jen has a blanket on her head? Blame California's Pacific Gas & Electric. We like to snap a photo with our guests, but Charlie was reluctant; he lives in CA and his power was off due to the threat of wildfire -- which meant that he hadn't been able to shower or style his hair prior to our conversation. We reassured him & told him we've recorded LOTS of episodes like that! (Pictorial evidence below).  Charlie gamely pulled up his hood and Janet did too, in solidarity, and Jen didn't have a hood, so...Silly photo brought to you by PG&E. :) Remember: humor is one of the most important tools in parenting (and life)!  In this episode, Janet, Jen & Charlie discuss: Using humor to survive parenting Dad stereotypes How moms subsconsciously interfere with dads' relationships with their kids Breaking down gender stereotypes to empower children & adults Why you should embrace your unique skills, talents & interests (& stop worrying about the "shoulds!") The benefits of striving for harmony, vs. striving for balance Identifying and meeting the needs of each unique child Surviving parenting challenges Gaming for social good Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: HowToBeADad.com -- the website Charlie founded GISH.com -- online home of the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt Reality is Broken: Why Games Make Us Better and How They Can Change the World, by Jane McGonigal -- book mentioned at 32:38   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Grey World via Flickr What do you do if a teacher shames your son in front of the class?  For many parents, this is not an abstract question. Teachers, coaches, bus drivers and yes, even parents still use shame to shape kids' behavior. Adults yell at children in front of their peers, berate them for a lack of effort, criticize their attempts...and children's spirits shrivel. Shame is a universal human experience. According to the Oxford dictionary, shame is "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior." In and of itself, the emotion isn't particularly harmful; it can even positively mold behavior. However, when human beings are humiliated by others, they tend to assume that there is something wrong with them. People who are repetitively shamed do not feel an innate sense of worth; instead, they feel unworthy and unlovable. If your grew up with shame (and many of us did), you may be hard-pressed to recognize it or its harm. Breathe. Listen. Think. We can do better for our boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The difference between SHAME and SHAMING How the "boy code" feeds shame and guilt Harmful effects of shame Breaking the generational cycles of shame Classroom management practices that fuel shame & cause harm (Clip charts, we're looking at you!) The link between school shaming and boys' negative attitudes toward school Respectful discipline Healing from shame Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys Respect -- ON BOYS episode Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode How Children Develop Toxic Shame -- Aha! Parenting blog post How to Break the Cycle of Shame with Your Child -- Aha! Parenting blog post Moving Into the Red: Boys & Education -- Jen's post about her son's experience with school behavior charts (mentioned at 15:40) Why Classroom Clip Charts Do More Harm Than Good -- Parents article by psychologist Emily King Is There a Place for Shame in Your Parenting Toolbox? -- Washington Post article 5 Ways Shame Can Shape Your Life -- article mentioned by Janet at 22:30 How to Teach Consent to Boys -- Without Shaming Them -- Your Teen article by Jen   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Facebook: Linkedin: STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's not easy to talk to boys about anxiety, depression and mental health. And yet, in a world in which 1 in 8 kids has an anxiety disorder and 2-3% of children ages 6-12 have serious depression and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, not talking about these topics is irresponsible. You wouldn't skip the sex talk, would you? (If so, click over to this episode right now!) As adults, it's our job to equip our children with the skills they need to deal with whatever life sends their way. Our job to help them develop problem-solving and coping skills, and our responsibility to make sure they know the facts about mental health. Kristi Hugstad, a health educator-turned-author, speaker and grief recovery specialist, learned about mental illness the hard way. Her husband battled depression; in 2012, he died by suicide. Today, Kristi shares her knowledge and message of hope with others. Her book, Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend Is in Crisis, is designed to help parents, teens and educators dig into tough subjects. The overarching message is that you are not alone;  mental illness is very treatable and manageable with support. "Depression is an illness, and there is help and there is hope," Kristi says. "Once you understand that it is an illness just like cancer, just like diabetes, and you need treatment, it takes away some of its power. It's a little less scary." And, she says, "if you had cancer, you wouldn't just sit and hope it goes away. You would immediately seek treatment and do what you need to do to conquer that disease." If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kristi discuss: HOW to start discussing mental health with teens What most people misunderstand about suicide Why so many men & boys are so reluctant to admit problems or reach out for help (Spoiler: they've been taught that it's a sign of weakness -- and the opposite of how a male should behave) Age-appropriate conversations about mental health Physical symptoms of anxiety and depression How to respond to a headache or stomachache that you think might be related to anxiety The pros and cons of taking away your son's phone when he gets in trouble Technology guidelines for mental health How lack of sleep negatively affects mental health Working together in community to support kids' mental health Talking to your kids about your own mental health struggles Warning signs and risk factors of suicide and depression - & how to respond Supporting our sons when there's been a suicide in the community Teaching tweens and teens to care for their mental health (Note: Lead by example! Get outside, exercise, get enough sleep) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Beneath the Surface: A Teen's Guide to Reaching Out When You or Your Friend is in Crisis -- Kristi's book The Grief Girl -- Kristi's website & podcast What You Need to Know about Boys and Suicide (w Katey McPherson) -- ON BOYS episode 46 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook:  Use this Link Linkedin:  Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Australian author and psychologist Steve Biddulph was one of the first to highlight the unique needs of boys. In the mid-1990s, "Steve went out on a limb to stand up for boys and men in a time when, culturally, the focus was really on girls and women," Janet says. His books, including The Secrets of Happy Children and Manhood, have been translated into more than 30 languages. The 1997 classic Raising Boys: Why Boys are So Different - and How to Help Them Become Happy and Well-Balance Men changed the way Janet taught and influenced a generation of parents and teachers. Steve completed updated the book in 2018; Raising Boys in the 21st Century: How to Help Our Boys Become Open-Hearted, Kind and Strong Men addresses the concerns and challenges facing today's parents of boys. Now, we know that boys' brains develop on a different trajectory than girls'. The part of the brain that handles language, for instance, matures more slowly in males than in females, which is one reason why boys aren't as verbal as girls (generally speaking), especially when it comes to emotions. But a tendency isn't destiny; with that knowledge in hand, parents can make a concerted effort to stimulate their son's language development by reading to him, singing to him and talking with him often. A basic knowledge of boy development, coupled with general familiarity with the many challenges boys face, will help you parent your son. ("There are risk factors to being a boy," Steve says, pointing out that males are 3 times more likely to die by age 25 than females.) Learning more about the "Full-On 4s" and the "Emotional 8s" will increase your understanding of your son, so you can respond more effectively to his mood changes and growth. However, it's absolutely essential for you to get to know -- and support -- your son as a unique individual. There is no boy quite like your boy. (Jen missed this conversation after realizing that Fri. in Tasmania is Thursday in the U.S -- and her son's biggest soccer game of the season thus far was at the exact same time as this conversation. Good news: They won, and Jen didn't miss her son's first varsity start!) In this episode, Janet & Steve discuss: How cultural changes have affected dads and boys What modern dads get right How parents can stimulate boys' communication skills The link between testosterone levels and reading difficulties The problem with early formal education -- and the benefits of delaying school entry How shame harms boys Adrenarche and the "emotional 8s" (Spoiler: there's a biological reason 8 & 9 yr old boys are often easily upset!) How to talk to boys about pornography Why you MUST point out the differences between lovemaking and porn Talking to boys about sexually aggressive girls Setting expectations with your teen (Hint: you have to listen to them too) How Steve's love of children fuels his humanitarian work Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: stevebiddulph.com -- Steve's online home Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys -- Steve's FB community Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- classic BuildingBoys post Talk to Boys about Sex (w Amy Lang) -- ON BOYS episode 110 21st Century Sex Ed (w Jo Langford) -- ON BOYS episode 128 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this Link Facebook:  Use this Link Linkedin:  Use this Link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Are all teenage boys jerks? That's the question we tackle in this episode, albeit with some more colorful language. (Heads up: If you're opposed to the word "asshole," you might want to skip this episode. If you've ever thought to yourself, "When did my kid become such an asshole?!?" you're definitely going to want to listen!) Raising tween & teen boys is hard. That's why so many parents of teens are desperate for information, help & support. And that's why Sue Borison & Stephanie Silverman started Your Teen media. Sue & Steph also co-host the podcast Your Teen with Sue & Steph. "Not only has it been a journey of joy to build something together, but for me, it changed my parenting completely," Sue says. In creating the magazine and talking with other parents, she learned to let go of perfection, to let go of the idea that there's a "right" way to parent teens. Good parents of good kids struggle. The fact that you or your son is struggling is not an indication that you are a terrible or ineffective parent, or that he's bad kid. Of course, that's easier to say than remember in the moment. "I never got great at not catastrophizing," Sue says. "I got really good at recognizing that today didn't have to be perfect, but it doesn't mean I didn't lose sleep at night." Teenage boys, Steph reminds us, have "a hard time getting out of their own way." Like puppies, they are growing and awkward -- mature one minute, immature the next. It's this unpredictability that makes parenting tweens and teens so challenging. Like Forrest Gump's box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. "If I could do it over, I would show more love and kindness," Sue says.  "Most importantly, treasure them & love them." In this episode, Jen, Janet, Sue & Steph discuss: The loneliness & isolation of parenting teens Perfectionism in parenting Why talking about the "hard parts" of parenting is so helpful How teenage boys are like puppies Why you must lower your expectations The social jungle of middle school & high school - & how it affects our kids' emotions & behavior How the #MeToo movement and online porn have affected boys How social media has changed parenting Modern dating Promposals & heightened Homecoming expectations Teen boys' need for physical touch (Hug your boys!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Your Teen magazine -- online home of Your Teen. Features lots of great articles, including some by Jen Your Teen with Sue & Steph -- the Your Teen podcast featuring (you guessed it!) Sue & Steph The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- BuildingBoys post that tackles the "are all 14 yr old boys assholes?" question Have You Hugged Your Teen? The Importance of Parental Affection -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:38 Getting Asked to Homecoming: A Boy Mom's Advice for Girls -- Your Teen article mentioned at 20:50 Popularity and Bullying: An Interview with Dr. Robert Faris -- Your Teen article mentioned at 13:30 All Boys? -- Jen's blog post about being constantly asked if she's "going to keep trying for a girl" (mentioned at 20:40) LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The secret to parenting success  -- & satisfaction -- is simple: Parent from love, not fear.  Bryan Post So says Bryan Post, founder of The Post Institute for Family Centered Therapy. Adopted as a child, Post experienced the difficulties that can arise when a child's needs conflict with a parent's experience. His adopted sister was born prematurely due to fetal alcohol syndrome and spent the first months of her life in an incubator, which stunted her emotional development. His well-meaning parents had both been raised in alcoholic families, which caused them to become hyper-responsive. The combination was volatile. Post has devoted his professional life to helping parents understand how stress, fear and trauma play out in the lives of children -- and adults. "Trauma is any stressful event which is prolonged, overwhelming or unpredictable," Post says. "If it remains unexpressed, unprocessed, and misunderstood, that forms the difference between a short-term stressful experience and a long-term, potentially life-altering traumatic event." A major problem with our society, Post says, "is that we discount everything...we're always discounting experiences because we don't like to think about things that make us uncomfortable." But we --- and our children -- would be better served if we acknowledge and work through experiences, rather than pushing them aside. Unfortunately, parents are prone to blame themselves for their children's struggles. Our brains are wired in such a way that we take personal responsibility for their behavioral challenges, for instance. We perceive their behavior as a threat that must be dealt with immediately. It all happens in an instant. "We've got to slow down and look at own internal reactions," Post says. Blame, shame and guilt plague parents on a daily basis, but the true problem is that we beat ourselves up for feeling these emotions. "Judgement of the feeling becomes the problem," Post says. "When you observe the feeling, the feeling can change. When you judge the feeling, you increase the intensity of it." The best part about love- vs. fear-based parenting is that you don't have to understand and even know the details of your child's trauma. Often, Post says, adoptive parents feel frustrated because they are overwhelmed by their child's behavior and don't even know the details of the child's life pre-adoption. No matter, he says. The parent is likely overwhelmed and frustrated because the "energy of the child triggers something that is already there." Identifying and dealing with that energy (aka unresolved issue) will lead to dramatic improvement in the parents' ability to connect with their child. "We have to realize that parenting, whether biological, adoptive, foster or grandparenting, is more than just raising kids," Post says. "We have to train up the children in the way they should go, but before we can can train up the child, we have to be effective disciples." (The word disciple, by the way, means "to teach.") A stressed out parent will never be able to force behavioral change on a stressed-out child. Instead, both become more stressed. Post challenges parents to jot down 3 things you do that are creating the most stress in your relationship with your child & 3 things you can do to reduce stress. Then, do more of the 3 things that reduce stress & less of the 3 things that increase stress. Your parenting will change, for the better. So will your relationship with your child. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Bryan discuss: The definition of trauma How trauma affects children Why we must be trauma-responsive, not simply trauma-informed How trauma can affect children even before birth Why taking your child's behavior personally leads to damaged relationships Parental guilt Why pausing to ask yourself, "How does that behavior make me feel?" can change your parenting (for the better!) The importance of surrounding yourself with a network of p...Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Martin Abegglen via Flickr What is respect? We tell our boys all the time to "show some respect!" and to "respect your teachers," and worry about whether or not our boys know how to respect girls and women. But what does that mean? Defining respect, we've learned, is trickier than it seems at first glance, and if you and your son (or you and your parenting partner) are working with different definitions of "respect," you're likely to find yourself frustrated. According to the dictionary, respect has two definitions: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements due regard for the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of others Do you see the difference? According to Definition One, respect is something that is earned; someone must be or do something special to elicit admiration. Definition Two, on the other hand, implies regard for another, regardless of what the feelings, wishes, rights or traditions of that person may be. What does this have to do with raising boys? Well, we're living in a culture in which people say things like, "I will never teach my son to respect women. I'd rather have him respect a rock. I teach him to respect people who earn it...Only toxic feminists demand respect when none is earned." A culture in which an online commenter responded to this sentence, "...It was important to us that our boys understand the incredible worth and dignity of women and that they grew up to be men who treated women with the respect they deserve" with this sentence: "The fact is that some women are deserving of no more commitment and respect than a urinal at a truck stop." It's time to talk seriously about respect: what it is, why it matters and what exactly we mean when we ask our boys to "show respect." In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The definition of respect Why simply telling your kids to respect someone is meaningless How to handle tricky situations (Example: you want your son to respect his teacher, but the teacher belittles another child in the class) How to help a child handle feelings of disrespect Teaching respect in a disrespectful world Why you must explicitly describe the kind of you behavior you want from your child Helping boys navigate respect, justice and injustice The importance of role-modeling The difference between "dissing" and "disrespect" Disrespectful language How to disagree without showing disrespect Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teaching Boys to Respect Women -- BuildingBoys post (learn more about the "some women are no more deserving of respect than a truck stop urinal" comment) 21 Completely Subjective Rules for Raising Teenage Boys -- rule 1 is the one that inspired one man to write "I will never teach my son to respect" women - & inspired this podcast episode! Finding Balance & Handling Disrespect -- ON BOYS episode that can help you deal with disrespectful behavior How to Show Respect to Others (& Why It's Important in Life) -- includes 6 concrete suggestions LiveRespect Curriculum -- FREE curriculum to help boys become healthy men The Center for Respect -- Mike Domitrz's business; includes links to his parent & school programs (Wanna get to know Mike? Here he is on ON BOYS) Cultures of Dignity -- Rosalind Wiseman's website; includes links to her blog and a plethora of resources (Listen to Rosalind on ON BOYS)   LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook: Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

More Maggie Dent! (If you haven't yet listened to Part 1 of our conversation, go listen to that one first. Then come back for more Maggie!) In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys’ inclination toward protecting others How to support boys’ interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the “man code” and help boys’ live authentically How to talk so boys will listen The importance of social-emotional development and learning Boys’ friendships — & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills “Rooster” boys & “lamb” boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book “This is the book I’m on the earth to write.” — Maggie Dent maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! Let Grow —  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys — one of Maggie’s best blog posts Maggie Dent on YouTube –– Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads! Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden How to Listen to Him -- So He Will Want to Talk to You IF YOU LIKE THIS EPISODE - Please share it with a friend! (and thanks!) TEXT them the link:  http://on-boys-podcast.com And share on your social media: Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Maggie Dent Our friend Maggie Dent  will be in British Columbia later this month, so we thought this would be a great time to re-share her wisdom & encouragement! Maggie the mom of four now-grown boys, a parenting educator & author of numerous books, including Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Moms of Sons. This conversation was originally recorded in December 2018 but the advice here is timeless. Enjoy! Some gems: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys’ dreams or fantastic plans with your words. It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened. That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys’ behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart. In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: Why shaming is so harmful to boys Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play) The importance of PLAY Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections) The link between movement and learning How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view — and treat — boys What to do when boys muck up IF YOU LIKE THIS EPISODE - Will you share it with a friend? (and thanks!) TEXT them the link:  http://on-boys-podcast.com Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Google "boy mentors" and you'll get more than 20,000,000 results. Search for "mentors for boy moms" and you'll get just over 900,000 results -- and most are resources to help single moms find male mentors for their sons.You'll find next-to-nothing about how to find a mentor for yourself. But moms need mentors too. When Jen & Janet met recently (for the first time! at a podcast conference), they heard a talk about the importance of female mentors. The presenter, Robyn Sayles, pointed out the dearth of female mentors in movies, books and real life. Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi & Yoda to guide him and encourage him; they shared with him crucial information and skills that helped him complete his mission. Without their help, would Luke have managed to inspire and lead the Rebels? Here at ON BOYS, we talk a lot about boys. But we know that many (if not most) of our listeners are women. We know that many of you are facing challenges in your parenting and that you'd love an Obi Wan to help you through this parenting journey. We realized that boy moms, in particular, need mentors. According to the dictionary, a mentor is an experienced and trusted advisor. We hope we've earned your trust and we want to continue serving you as experienced advisors. But we also encourage you to reach out to other "boy moms," both locally and globally. Connect with a mom whose boys are just a bit older than yours; she can help you put your current challenges in perspective and share tips and tricks that have (and have not!) worked for her. Reach out to a mom with younger boys too; no matter how young your boys are, there's another mom out there with younger boys who feels even more inexperienced and lost than you do. When we parent alone & in isolation, we all hurt. When we share our knowledge & strength, we all win. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How a lack of mentorship harms moms & families The benefits of mentoring -- to both the mentee & mentor How to find an effective mentor Why it's hard for moms to accept (and ask for) help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Mommy Mentor: Why Every Mom Needs One -- 2013 article from Today's Parent LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

At age 4, Sassy Harvey's son was told that if he dances, he must be a girl. Or gay.  Not surprisingly, he quit dance class soon after that. It's 2019. Girls, we know can become astronauts and scientists and ministers and presidents. But boys who dance are STILL routinely perceived as gay and effeminate. In fact, according to a recent study of male ballet dancers: 93% of boys involved in ballet report "teasing and name calling" 68% experience "verbal or physical harassment" 11% were victims of physical harm - at the hands of people who targeted them because they study dance Shortly after her son quit formal dance classes, Sassy launched MY BOY CAN, an organization that would like to see a social shift in attitudes towards boys and challenges the constraints placed on boys. Often, Sassy says, "when a boy expresses interest that in things that are perceived as 'for girls,' they are told they shouldn't or can't." MY BOY CAN's first campaign was #MyBoyCanDance. Sassy reached out to dance studios and others in Portsmouth, England (her home base) and encouraged people to share photos of boys and men dancing, with the hashtag #MyBoyCanDance. Thanks to the power of the Internet, "it went crazy," Sassy said. "It's now worldwide." Of course, there's much work yet to be done. But as Sassy explains, "It all starts with us stopping the 'My boy won’t, can’t, shouldn’t because he is a boy' and starting instead to say, 'My Boy Can.'" Top L: Sassy Harvey. Top R: Janet Allison. Bottom: Jennifer Fink In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sassy discuss: The pressure boys face to conform to gender stereotypes How parents can support boys (and each other) as they challenge stereotypes The power of community (working together, parents of boys have more power than we do individually) How boy parents can create societal change How to help boys reframe public perceptions of dance How dance instructors and studios can create boy-friendly dance classes The importance (and value) of empowering boys to pursue their interests What to do if your boy's dad is the one discouraging dance (or any other activity) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: My Boy Can -- Sassy's Facebook community Boys Can Dance Too -- Building Boys post Tight, Tutus & "Relentless" Teasing: Inside Ballet's Bullying Epidemic -- excellent HuffPo article Danseur -- documentary film (mentioned at about 19:20) about male dancers The Heart of a Boy: Celebrating the Strength and Spirit of Boyhood, by Kate T. Parker -- BEAUTIFUL books w tons of photos of boys engaged in all kinds of activities. Includes thought-provoking quotes from the featured boys Let Toys Be Toys -- UK-based campaign that asks the toy & publishing industries to stop limiting children's interests by promoting some toys & books as only suitable for girls, and others only for boys (Website includes lots of great articles and links to their social media) Let Clothes Be Clothes -- campaign calling on retailers to stop limiting children via outdated gender stereotypes in the design & marketing of kids' clothes LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's time for another listener Q & A! A Boys Alive! FB group member asks: How can I interest a teen boy in becoming a good world citizen? A Twitter follower asks: What do you say to boys who say they're the best at...whatever the conversation is about. I've heard this from multiple 7/8/9 yo boys. So much bragging. Jacquie asks: How do we help people understand that there are differences between boys and girls and that it's OK to recognize that fact? So often, we are focused on saying, 'girls can do anything boys can do' that we forget there are things girls may not want to do or boys tend to do more naturally. Greg asks: Why won't they listen? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why you'll have better luck following your son's lead than trying to plot his direction How to enlarge your son's world and expand his point-of-view, no matter where you live (or the size of your budget) How to reign in your own anxiety (Note: your son's behavior is not a judgement of your parenting!) How to handle boys' boasting Why boys brag Talking about gender differences between boys and girls Respecting individual differences How parents can advocate for boys The Handmaid's Tale (trust us: it's relevant) How to help boys listen Biological factors that affect boys' ability to listen Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Boys Overestimate Their School Skills, Girls Underestimate Theirs -- study mentioned at 9:09 Girls Underestimate Their STEM Aptitude, Boys Overestimate -- similar study Gender Hearing Differences -- blog post that explores why boys  may not listen as well as you think they should LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link LinkedIn:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The beginning of the school year stirs up a lot of emotions for boys -- and their parents. The number of boys who don't like school has been increasing in recent years. In 1980, just 14% of boys told researchers they "didn't like" school. By 2001, 24% -- nearly one-quarter of all boys -- said they didn't like school. Today, that number is likely even higher. Pay attention to your son's signals. His reactions to back-to-school ads and events can tell you a lot about his general attitude toward school. Look. Listen. Then, help him address his concerns. Remember: school is just ONE PART of your son's life. Sure, you'll want to encourage him to do his best, but please leave room for family time and personal interests as well. Overemphasizing academics does not help boys. In this episode, Janet & Jen  discuss: Why so many boys dislike school Physical and emotional symptoms of school anxiety Transitioning from summer to school How to help your son set goals for the school year Establishing a sane schedule Prioritizing family time How unstructured time helps boys learn Teacher-parent relationships How to get on his teacher's "good side" Why you shouldn't "overshare" with your son's teacher, especially at the beginning of the academic year The kindergarten/1st grade conundrum -- how to know when it's time to send your son to first grade & why you might want to wait Why it's crucial to build activity into your son's day Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Back to School: Start Getting Ready Now -- Boys Alive! blog post How to Help Your Boys Have a Great School Year -- On Boys episode 124 5 Back to School Resolutions -- Building Boys blog post Homework and Boys -- On Boys episode 101 Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- On Boys episode 131 Back to School Tips for Boys -- Building Boys blog post New Research Shows Link Between Kindergarten Cutoff Dates & ADHD Diagnosis -- study mentioned at 24:30 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:  use this link Facebook:   use this link LinkedIn:   use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report “3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy.”  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Youth sports are a BIG DEAL.  According to ESPN, 28.7 million American kids between the ages of 6 and 17 played youth sports in 2013. That number is likely low; many kids start well before age 6. Gone are the days when boys started Little League at age 10 or 11. Today, T-ball begins at age 3 or 4, and many kids are on travel teams by the time they're 6. Today's families are investing a lot of time and money into sports. (According to one estimate, travel team parents spent on average $2266 annually on youth sports; at the elite level, that number can jump to more than $20,000.) Whether your son is into sports or not, your family will surely face pressure to sign him up for one (or more) sports teams and then steadily escalate his involvement. If your son is into it, he can reap a lot of benefits; it's well-known that sports are a great way to learn teamwork and persistence. But sports aren't all positive. We've all heard stories about athletes behaving badly and parents berating small children and umpires from the bleachers. We know that locker room antics aren't always positive and we wonder how to balance youth sports with family life. (20 years into parenting boys, Jen still hasn't satisfactorily solved the problem of supper on sports nights.) Geoff and Jacob are that rare breed - VOLUNTEER youth sport coaches - and THEY LOVE IT! It's a way for them to be involved with their own children's sports but they also like guiding other youth to E.A.T.  Yep, EAT - that's E for Effort, A for attitude, and T for teamwork.  Those are their guiding principles and consequently, their players are learning life skills along with their sports skills. A dynamic conversation with these two amazing dads, coaches, and gentlemen. LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: Use this link Facebook: Use this link LinkedIn: Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy."  And opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net, too! Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  use this link for Janet and use this link for JenniferOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Black boys fare worse than white boys in 99% of America. Here to help us untangle the many factors that affect black boys' experience in America is Hilary Beard, author of Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life and creator of Rise & Thrive Online Parenting Program. Hilary Beard "We thought we were raising the Obama generation, a generation of young people who would live in a world that was very diverse, with racial harmony and a greater level of equity. We thought our children would finally be able to walk through the doors of opportunity and assume their rightful seat at the table," Hilary says. But in late 2019, Black and brown boys continue to be pulled over and prosecuted for actions that often net white boys a warning. The President of the United States recently told four black and brown congresswomen to "go back....[to] the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came." And hate crimes targeting individuals' race and ethnicity are on the rise, according to statistics from the U.S. Department of Justice. So, even as Americans cry over the injustices illustrated in When They See Us, the Netflix mini-series portraying the experiences of five boys once known as the Central Park Five, inequality and racism remain. Black and brown children are frequently disciplined in school for developmentally appropriate behavior -- which affects children's perceptions of themselves and of school, as well as academic outcomes. (Kids who are suspended and expelled from school spend less time in class, so their academic performance tends to fall off and they are less likely to graduate high school and attend college.) Talking about race isn't easy, but it's absolutely necessary. In this episode, we discuss: How parents of Black & brown boys can help them survive & thrive in the face of racism The racial wealth gap (& how it was created by public policies) Mass incarceration & the school-to-prison pipeline Unconscious and implicit bias How zero tolerance policies have had an out-sized effect on boys, especially Black and brown boys How parents & concerned citizens can address racial disparities in education How white people can effectively ally with Black and brown people Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Promises Kept: Raising Black Boys to Succeed in School and Life, by Hilary Beard (companion book to the documentary American Promise) HilaryBeard.com -- Hilary's website. Includes links to her books, articles & classes Extensive Data Shows Punishing Reach of Racism for Black Men -- New York Times article that graphically illustrates differences in outcomes between white & black males of similar backgrounds How to Build Up Black Boys -- U.S. News & World Report article by Jen ocrdata.ed.gov -- database you can use to see your school's or district's disciplinary data Zero Tolerance: An Idea Whose Time Had Passed? -- Scholastic article by Jen Behavioral Referrals Plummeted While Attendance Skyrocketed in this District -- Jen's article about alternative discipline approaches Building a Positive School Culture: How One School Transformed from Violence to Haven -- 2014 School Leaders Now article by Jen White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism, by Robin DiAngelo -- book mentioned at 39:20 MTV's Look Different -- includes an implicit bias quiz, 7-day bias cleanse and tips about language LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter - use this link Facebook - use this link LinkedIn - use this link   STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report "3 Simple Tips to CONNECT with Your Boy." and opt-in at  BuildingBoys.net Follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our boys often wear metaphorical masks. We all do, in fact. At work, we typically wear our confident, professional faces. At home, we aim for warm, nurturing and competent. But underneath, we may be feeling anger, frustration, sadness or shame. Our "masks" allow us to go about our days and meet our responsibilities without ruffling too many feathers or attracting too much attention. Boys don masks for the same reason. Our boys are swimming in a soup of messages that tell them exactly how boys should look and behave. So, to meet expectations and find social acceptance, boys often adopt personas and attitudes that conceal their true personalities and feelings. Ashanti Branch, founder and executive director of Ever Forward Club, helps boys (and girls) identify and remove their masks. He helps them get in touch with their inner selves and emotions, so they can connect authentically with themselves and others. He also helps educators understand and connect with students.   In this episode, Janet, Jen & Ashanti discuss: Social pressures that affect boys Why telling a boy he's "the man of the house" is harmful The #100K Mask Challenge Why it may take boys a long time to remove their masks Why treating boys as if they're giving their best is often a better option than nagging or negatively engaging How to create space for boys to be human Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Ever Forward Club -- Ashanti's non-profit The Mask You Live In -- 2015 documentary about boys' struggles with masculinity; features Ashanti. The film is currently available on Amazon Prime. #100K Masks Challenge --  Ashanti & Ever Forward's effort to engage 100,000 people from all over the world in self-reflection The Masks We All Wear -- TEDx talk by Ashanti LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends: Twitter:  Use this link Facebook:  Use this link LinkedIn: Use this link Pinterest: Use this link STAY CONNECTED: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on “Understanding Boys Better – and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever” and  BuildingBoys.net Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you know what sensory processing disorder (SPD) is?  Many parents (and teachers) don't, but 5-15% of all children exhibit symptoms of SPD, which affects how they learn, socialize and interact with the world. It's possible that your child has a sensory processing problem that you haven't yet recognized as an issue with available & effective interventions. Nancy Peske, aka The Sensory Smart Parent, is a co-author of Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues. She's also the mother of a son who has SPD. Nancy Peske According to Nancy, children who have sensory processing issues may: Have problems eating (particular textures may bother them, for instance) Be overly sensitive to stimulation -- or under-sensitive to stimulation Struggle with body awareness and control Exhibit language delays Constantly seek movement Be easily overwhelmed and distracted Have difficulty with reading and fine motor control For some reason, the bodies and brains of people with sensory  issues process sensory stimuli differently than most people. Their experience of the world is very different, and that can lead to misunderstanding. The more you know about sensory processing challenges, the better prepared you'll be to recognize and respond to the symptoms. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Nancy discuss: What sensory processing is Signs & symptoms of sensory processing disorder Why you should always trust your instincts (Got concerns about your child's development? Talk to your pediatrician. Keep pushing. Ask for an evaluation.) How to find help for children with sensory challenges Sensory diets Interventions to help children with sensory processing issues How movement helps boys with sensory issues The role of "heavy work" in manage sensory processing disorder How the changing expectations of childhood may be contributing to a rise in SPD diagnoses Screen time and sensory processing disorder (Spoiler: "Kids with sensory issues often have a different relationship with technology than you might expect," Nancy says. "It's often helping them learn.") How teachers can accommodate sensory processing issues Why recess should NEVER be taken away from children with sensory challenges Classic children's games that can help kids with sensory issues Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: sensorysmartparent.com -- Nancy's website (includes links to all her social channels) Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues, by Nancy Peske & Lindsey Biel Helping Boys with Sensory Issues -- 2016 Building Boys interview with Nancy Sensory Processing Disorder Symptoms Checklist Balancing Screen Time for Boys & Kids with Sensory Issues -- YouTube video featuring Nancy & Jen Creating an Inclusive Classroom -- Scholastic Teacher article by Jen; mentioned at 28:17 STAY CONNECTED: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on “Understanding Boys Better – and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever” and  BuildingBoys.net Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

As we in the United States celebrate our nation's independence, we reflect on our boys' drive for independence.  Toddlers cry, "I do it!" when we attempt to put on their clothes. Our teens scowl when we tell them what time to be home. Their frustration -- toddlers' & teens' alike -- is driven by their desire for mastery and control. Children are wired to learn. They're wired to gradually take on more and more responsibility. "Kids," Jen reminds us, "have an innate drive for independence. You can use that to your advantage." Of course, it's not always easy for adults to release control. Our boys' judgement seems questionable at times (often, in some cases!). We worry for their safety. And sometimes, we simply don't recognize that our little ones are capable of more. We don't see the ways in which our well intentioned actions may be handicapping our boys' development. It's never too late to begin giving your boys more independence. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Age-appropriate responsibilities Why ages 0-7 is the perfect time to introduce skills & healthy habits (Spoiler: O-7 is the Age of Imitation) Why investing in right-sized tools is a great investment in your child's development How to make time to allow your child to develop his skills How building a child's independence prevents entitlement and apathy Why it's so hard to give our boys autonomy How to get buy-in from older boys who aren't used to managing their own affairs How to deal with resistance Dealing with the heartache & pain of letting go Independence vs interdependence Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Why Boys Need More Independence -- Building Boys post Parenting: Raise Independent Children -- excelled Psychology Today post 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting - Janet's online course; mentioned at 12:20 How to Deal with an Unmotivated Boy -- one of Building Boys' most popular posts Hygiene Help for Tween & Teen Boys -- On Boys episode 120; mentioned at 15:30 The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, by William Stixrud PhD & Ned Johnson  Waldorf Education turns 100 this year.  Find out more about Waldorf Education here:  https://www.waldorfeducation.org/ STAY CONNECTED: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on “Understanding Boys Better – and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever” and  BuildingBoys.net Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Ahhhh, summer! Relaxed lazy days....oh, who are we kidding?!? For most parents in the Northern hemisphere, summer is a time of stress. The kids are home from school and the parents have to somehow juggle their regular work schedule while also trying to keep their kids engaged, active and on screens for less than 12 hours a day. Navigating summer responsibilities and expectations is a challenge for the whole family. If we can give you one piece of advice, it's this: Relax your standards. You don't have to take the kids to the pool weekly. Your kids can stay up later; strict bedtimes really aren't as important if the kids don't have to be anywhere in the morning. PJs are perfectly acceptable summer attire, at least sometimes. And no one -- seriously: no one -- is expecting a gourmet meal every night. Focus your attention on what's important to you and your children instead. Our summer tips will help you do just that. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Common summer challenges Why boredom is perfectly OK (in fact, it's important!) Balancing scheduled vs unscheduled activity How to prevent "summer slide" (loss of academic skills) Fun FREE activities Summer jobs for kids (even kids younger than 16) Summer schedules Recording summer memories Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Surviving Summer -- classic Building Boys post Kids Bowl Free -- 2 free games of bowling daily for registered children at participating centers Planet Fitness Teen Challenge -- high school teens ages 15 - 18 can work out at any of  1,800 locations throughout the United States and Canada for FREE all summer long Free Meals -- No Kid Hungry runs a summer meals texting service. Text ‘FOOD’ to 877-877 to find free summer meals sites in your neighborhood. On Boys Episode 117: Summer Jobs On Boys Episode 114: Sleepovers, Camp & Separation Anxiety On Boys Episode 118: Business Tips for a 12-Year-Old Entrepreneur Keeping Bored Boys Occupied During the Summer Holidays -- Building Boys post Summer Safety: Preventing Injuries -- Building Boys post   STAY CONNECTED: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! FB group Be sure to opt-in at  Boys Alive! .com for your free report on "Understanding Boys Better - and Why He Needs You Now More Than Ever" and  BuildingBoys.net Also, follow us on Instagram:  @on.boys.podcast and @boys.alive Twitter:  @ParentAdvisor and @BuildingBoys  LinkedIn:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/janetallison/ and https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenniferlwfink/Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do you get when you mix two fitness- and outdoors-minded dads with two moms who are staunch advocates for boys? A freewheeling discussion that touches on everything from fatherhood to weapons play and the current lack of movement in schools. Janet met Jaremy Day, co-host of the podcast Backcountry & Barbells, when she spoke at an event in Washington state. As a former boy and current dad of 2 boys & a girl, he's all too familiar with the challenges facing boys today. His co-host, Joe Szymanek (pronounced Sh-mon-ek), is also a father. He has three young children (one is a boy) and also teaches middle school. Despite the fact that they are both former boys & current parents of boys, neither Joe nor Jaremy were really aware of the obstacles and challenges that make life difficult for boys -- until Joe discovered Christina Hoff Sommers & The War on Boys via Joe Rogan and Jaremy heard Janet speak. Think about that: we are a culture that pins so much blame on individual boys that even men and boys aren't aware of all of the ways school and society work against boys' interests. All too often, boys, parents & teachers think the problem lies within the boy, without recognizing the many ways we've all contributed to the problem. For instance, in many schools, students who do not have PE that particular day stand or move for less than one hour a day. (Joe actually calculated this out with his students.) Growing children who NEED movement to develop their bodies and minds are denied the opportunity to move and often punished if they do so out of turn. (Raise your hand if your son has ever gotten in trouble for wiggling or squiggling or refusing to stay on the rug in the classroom.) via GIPHY In this episode, Janet, Jen, Jaremy & Joe discuss: The value of outdoors time & play The war on boys How schools contribute to boys' struggles Corporal punishment The influence of coaches Creating a culture of movement (including specific ideas parents & teachers can use at home or in the classroom) Screen time (because a group of parents cannot come together today without touching on screen time!) The plight of high-energy boys Hunting and guns Weapons play Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Backcountry & Barbells -- Jaremy & Joe's podcast StandUpKids.org -- website mentioned at 13:58 NASP -- National Archery in Schools Program Joe Rogan Experience #724: Christina Sommers -- podcast episode mentioned at 5:03 The War Against Boys: How Misguided Policies Are Harming Our Young Men, by Christina Hoff Sommers -- book mentioned at 5:43 Hudson Highlands Nature Museum -- includes the Grasshopper Grove natural playground mentioned around 37:45Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The Boy Code. The Man Box. Whatever you want to call it, our boys are constrained by a largely unspoken set of expectations that exert pressure on them to behave and act in certain ways. Jonathon Reed helps boys -- and others -- understand and question these expectations. His podcast, Breaking the Boy Code, features real boys talking about their real, lived experiences. Reed adds the voices and insights of experts to each episode, and it's impossible to listen to even one episode and not be moved by the plight of boys and men. It's impossible to listen and not learn something. Jonathon Reed, creator of Breaking the Boy Code podcast, & friend While many people talk about boys, Jonathon talks with boys. He gives them a safe space to explore their thoughts and experiences of masculinity, and he gives them a venue to share their insights with others. For instance, after reports of sexual assault and hazing at St. Michael's College in Toronto made international news, Jonathan asked boys about their experience. Was the episode at St. Michael's an aberration, or something boys commonly experience? Why does hazing persist? How does it affect boys? The resulting episode, In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing, is a must-listen. Seriously: if you are raising boys, teaching boys or coaching boys, you need to go listen to it. Right now. (We'll wait.) As a child, Jonathon says, "I got told everyday, 'The way you're being a boy is not okay.'" Today, he helps boys understand that it's perfectly okay to be themselves. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jonathon discuss: Hazing Building relationships with boys The Boy Code How to help boys handle social stereotypes and peer pressure Why you need to know what's going on in your son's life How to talk to boys about social expectations -- & how to support them when they want to step beyond the norm The search for safety How boys' experience & express emotion How to equip boys to handle spaces with no supervision (such as locker rooms) Why you shouldn't take your boy's moods personally Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Breaking the Boy Code podcast In That Moment You're Scared: Boys & Hazing -- Episode 1 of Breaking the Boy Code Cracking the Boy Code: How to Understand and Talk with Boys, by Adam Cox -- book mentioned at 24:21 Next Gen Men -- a Canadian-based nonprofit organization engaging, educating, and empowering men and boys around gender in schools, communities, and workplaces Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons From the Myths of Boyhood, by William Pollack -- the first book by the author mentioned at 14:50Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Do you have a son heading off to college or university this fall? How about in the future? The more you know about the college search and admission process, the easier this transition will be -- for your son, for you and for your entire family. Dr. Pamela Ellis, author of What to Know Before they Go and founder of Compass College Advisory, has helped many families navigate college preparation and the transition from high school to university. She says that lack of knowledge -- the "unknown" -- complicates the process, causing unnecessary anxiety and stress. She also reminds us that one of the most important questions we can ask our college-bound kids is "Why?" -- as in, Why are you going to college? What do you hope to get from the experience? That question might seem extremely simplistic, but it's crucial. Your child's answer will help him focus his energies and find the path that's most appropriate for him. It may also highlight a disconnect. If your expectations, hopes and dreams for your child's college experience are radically different than your child's, one (or both of you) is bound to be disappointed. Better to have these conversations in advance! Pamela also encourage us to take a holistic view of college preparation. When your child is in middle school, developing social skills and taking some tentative steps toward independence (by gradually assuming more responsibility, for instance) IS college prep. Children also need to learn how to spend time alone. High school students should develop self-advocacy skills and increasing self-awareness. Teenagers must be in charge of college planning, Pamela says. Your child may benefit from your guidance and experience, but ultimately, your child should lead. If you're having a hard time letting go or are concerned about some of your child's choices, Pamela suggests involving a third party, such as a teacher, coach or guidance counselor who's already a part of your child's life. "Kids hear things differently from their parents than they do from a third party," she says. "They could say the same thing that you're saying but somehow it just sounds totally different when they say it than when you say it as a parent." In this episode, Janet, Jen & Pamela discuss: Why the summer between high school and college is particularly challenging for teens & their parents -- and how to make it easier Why YOU need to be confident when your son is leaving home What parents of middle-schoolers need to know about college How an interest inventory can help your child create a realistic post-high school plan How reading for pleasure prepares kids for college and beyond How to minimize stress in the college preparation process Why visiting colleges too soon is a very bad idea Managing college costs 4 key features to ensure that a college is the right fit Gap years (and why a gap year may be a particularly good idea for boys!) How working with an independent college counselor can save you time & money How to find a trustworthy, ethical college consultant Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: What to Know Before They Go: College Edition -- Pamela's book Compass College Advisory -- Pamela's website. Includes lots of FREE, helpful information about college preparation Want Your Son to Succeed in College (& Life)? Do This -- classic BuildingBoys blog post Will He Ever Grow Up?! - OnBoys episode mentioned at 26:45 AmeriCorps - gap year option mentioned at 27:30 (AmeriCorps programs are community service oriented and include a living stipend) How to Find the Right College: 5 Key Steps to Helping Your Teen Find the Right College Without Stressing Through the Process -- Pamela's webinar, mentioned at 30:45 IECA (Independent Educational Consultants Association)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Boys interact differently than girls do. Sure, some of that is socialization. (A lot of that is probably socialization.) But the fact remains: boys' interactions on the playground, in school and at home are different than girls'. The way boys greet and play with one another is different than the way girls do so -- and if you're a mom or teacher of boys, odds are good that you've never been a boy yourself and don't understand the nuances of male interaction. Most boys naturally pick up these nuances. But some kids, particularly children with ADHD or autism, do not. These kids need extra assistance and support as they learn social skills. Unfortunately for our boys, many of people who do that work are middle-aged females who don't "speak" tween or teenage boy. Ryan Wexelblatt does. Ryan Wexelblatt Ryan is a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in working with boys. He's also the father of a 21 year old son. Raising a son ignited Ryan's interest in teaching social skills to boys -- and highlighted the need to teach social skills from a male perspective. (Did you know that the vast majority of people who teach social skills are women, while the vast majority of kids who require help with social skills are boys?) "These boys were learning social communication skills that weren't organic to the way boys their age spoke to each other," Ryan says. "It was overly formal, it was a lot of scripted behavior." Essentially, he says, many boys who were receiving formal social skills training "were being taught to speak like middle-aged women" -- which wasn't doing them any favors on the playground. Ryan helps boys navigate friendships and social situations. Listen & learn how you can support your boys' social development. In this episode, Jen & Ryan discuss: Male/male social communication How to differentiate disrespect from "roasting" & sarcasm The importance of perspective-taking skills (& how to teach them) Appropriate vs. needs-some-support social behavior Signs of social problems The difference between social anxiety and social learning challenges Signs and symptoms of social anxiety How to help boys with social anxiety Why accommodating social anxiety is the absolute wrong thing to do (& what to do instead) How to talk to your child about learning differences Techniques you can use to reinforce and teach social skills How to develop boys' social problem solving skills -- so they can solve playground and friendship disputes on their own! Why trusting your instincts is a better option than soliciting parenting advice online Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Ride The Wave Counseling -- Ryan's counseling service (includes info about online coaching and his summer camp) ADHD Dude -- the online home of Ryan's ADHD work. Includes a link to his ADHD Dude Facebook group, and will soon feature an Executive Function class for parents as well as a Social Skills class for boys socialthinking.com -- includes lots of free articles about social, emotional & mental health Dudes Learn Social -- Ryan's series of YouTube videos aimed directly at boysOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Daniel Hooker via Flickr   When do boys grow up? That question tends to elicit a chuckle; ask it in a group of middle-aged women, and you're likely to hear someone joke about their not-yet-grown husband. Ask it in a group of men, and well, you'll hear much the same thing. But to anxious parents, the when do they grow up? question is anything but funny. Parents of teenage boys wonder if their won't-listen, leaves-his-clothes-all-around-the-house-and-never-wants-to-do-anything-but-play-video-games boys will ever turn into responsible young men who can hold down a job. Parents of toddlers wonder if they'll ever be potty-trained, and parents of preschool boys wonder if their guys are prepared for kindergarten. Moms, in particular, are often anxious about their sons' futures. That's because females, in general, worry into the future, Janet says. We look at what's right in front of us and wonder how that will affect situations we see looming in the future. Which is reasonable, right? When you anticipate what's coming, you can prepare for it. But only to a certain extent. The future is always uncertain, and sometimes our worry about what might happen in the future keeps us from enjoying and appreciating the present. Of course, our worries aren't unfounded. There's plenty of reasons to worry about boys' preparation for the future. Consider these stats: Boys are less likely to succeed in school than girls Boys are more likely to get in trouble at school Boys are less likely to graduate from high school & less likely to attend college Boys are less likely to work in high school and college Men ages 18-24 are more likely to live with their parents than their female counterparts Males Develop at a Different Pace Boys' and girls' brains and bodies develop according to unique timetables. At birth, newborn boys are developmentally about 2 weeks behind newborn girls. Girls typically develop fine-motor control and verbal skills before boys do, and boys' gross-motor skills tend to develop before their fine-motor skills. By school age, girls generally are able to sit and listen for a longer period of time than boys. Females' brain tend to mature years before males' brains. The prefrontal cortex -- the part of the brain that controls impulsivity and organization -- doesn't fully develop until age 25 in men, compared to age 21 for women. Unfortunately, our expectations don't always match our boys' development. If parents and teachers expect a 6-year-old boy to sit and read quietly for 20 minutes, they're likely to be disappointed; the part of the brain that handles language matures much later in boys than in girls, so many 6-year-old boys are not yet independent readers, and most struggle to sit still for longer than a few minutes. Boys who don't meet developmentally inappropriate expectations aren't "bad;" they've simply been asked to do something they're not yet ready to do. It's much easier to work with boys' natural timetable. It's a LOT easier -- and a lot less frustrating -- to teach reading to a boy who is ready to read. In the meantime, you can  read aloud to your son, for instance, while his brain continues to grow and mature. You can point out letters and squiggle them in the sand during play. And you can educate others about boys' developmental timetable. How to Support Boys' Development Don't compare your son to others Recognize that he can do more than you may be allowing him to do Let your son take risks Wait before "rescuing" your son Involve boys in household work Teach/role model interpersonal and communication skills Connect them to the adult world Discuss opportunities Relax Delight in your son In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: How worry can steal happiness in the present, and affect our relationship with our boys Male development Why it's important to understand the difference between expectations and reality Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Veronique Debord-Lazaro via Flickr We recently put out a call for listener questions, and boy, did you send 'em to us! Deanna asked: about the struggle of trying to find the perfect balance of keeping your boys busy enough to stay out of trouble, yet not overscheduled Erin asked us how to handle a "chatty" son who insists he's the one being unfairly targeted at school: Our son is almost 10, and in 4th grade. We've always heard report card feedback of "we know that he can talk and get his work done at the same time, but he needs to respect the fact that other students are disrupted by his talking." Ok, I get it -- I heard the exact same feedback on my report cards. We're chatty people! But now we're getting negative reports that are more serious because when he is asked to stop talking or joking around in class/after care, he is defiant, keeps doing what he's doing, and then tries to talk back when he gets a consequence. And when we talk to him about it, he acts like a victim who is unfairly persecuted...He'll argue with his teachers that his behavior isn't that bad, and that they're just being hard on him.  We're not sure how to handle this. He has certainly talked back to us at home before many times, and we feel like we know what to do about it. But he has NEVER been disrespectful to his teachers...Any advice would be lovely! Penny asked a related question: When is "disrespect" really DISRESPECT? How much attention, energy and punishment should we devote to it? Is it that they really need to be listened to and understood without judgement? In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The myth of "perfect balance" Balancing your sons' need for activity with your family schedule The culture of busyness How to help a son who doesn't accept responsibility for his behavior and blames others instead Emotional development of 9- and 10-year old boys How to effectively collaborate your son's teacher to solve behavioral challenges (Hint: Involve your son!) How to differentiate between "disrespect," thoughtless behavior and sarcasm Dealing with disrespect How to discuss respect and disrespect with your son (Note: You need to be very, very concrete! What does respect look like? What is disrespect?) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: You Asked About Age 14, Implicit Bias and Sensitive Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 144 Help! My Son Has a Girlfriend (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode  127 Lying, Risk & How to Advocate for Boys (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 113 Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A) -- On Boys Episode 112 Emails and Phone Calls From Teachers -- On Boys Episode 131 (includes the story about Sam's struggle w his art teacher, as mentioned at 8:56) Helping Boys Deal with Negative Stereotypes -- On Boys episode mentioned at 10:59 How to Advocate for Your Son - The live webinar with Janet has aired but you'll get the replay when you register. Boys Alive FB Group BuildingBoys FB GroupOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

  How do you raise boys to become great men? That's the big question we tackle here at On Boys. It's the question Jen grapples with in her own home and on BuildingBoys, and the question Janet helps parents and teachers explore and answer through her coaching and online courses. Michael C. Reichert has spent a lot of time studying this question as well. He's a psychologist, dad & grandfather of boys and the founding director of the Center for the Study of Boys' and Girls' Lives. He's also the author of the recently released book, How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men. The key, he says, is to make sure your boys feel known and loved. Many people today blame "toxic masculinity" for violent, entitled and racist behavior in men and boys. But blaming "masculinity" for these behaviors draws attention away from the ways the current method of raising and socializing boys leads to all kinds of harms, including loss of virtue, loss of connection and loss of humanity, Reichert says. Unfortunately, stereotypes about boys & masculinity cause many of us to forget or neglect boys' basic need for connection. Pushing a boy out of the nest too early -- insisting he go it alone with minimal support -- does not lead to strength, resilience and grit. Boys who lack a solid relational anchor (usually, a strong relationship with a parent or other adult) are adrift -- and these the boys who harm themselves and others. Of course, boys don't make connection easy. Thanks in part of stereotypes and societal expectations, boys are likely to resist, reject and avoid your efforts to connect. Try anyway. Keep trying. Reichert recommends these three strategies to build connection:  1 Deep listening 2. Special time 3. The listen-limit-listen model of discipline It's possible to reach your son, no matter how disconnected he may be, Reichert says. It is never too late to develop and deepen your relationship with your son. Raising good boys, Reichert says, is really quite simple.  "If we violate boys' basic natures, bad outcomes will ensue," he says, "If we meet their basic needs, they're likely to wind up connected to their hearts, connected to their virtue and connected to their goodness." Memorial to the victims of the Portland MAX train shooting In this episode, Janet, Jen & Michael discuss: The importance of connection to boys How relationships help boys become good men The "Man Box" & how it restricts & harms boys The 2017 MAX train attack in Portland & what it teaches us about masculinity Toxic masculinity The mama's boy myth (Spoiler alert: It is NOT TRUE that only men can teach boys how to be good men) Dads' role in raising boys (Spoiler: It's NOT to teach him the secrets of masculinity) 3 strategies to build connection with boys Why boys won't work for teachers they don't believe care about them How stereotypes affect boys' behavior Why you need to create space & time to simply be delighted by your boys How to control your emotions so you can become emotionally available to your son Why it's perfectly OK to not be perfect Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- Michael's book michaelcreichert.com -- Michael's website (includes contact information) The Mama's Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger -- book by Kate Stone Lombardi When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity -- book by Judy Chu, mentioned at 19:58 The Truth About Parenting Teen Boys -- BuildingBoys post that addresses the "asshole" question mentioned at 28:00Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Pat Knight via Flickr Boys are subject to negative stereotypes too. If you've been parenting boys for awhile, that fact probably isn't news to you. You've probably heard your son complain about teachers who treat boys differently than girls. Maybe you've seen the way other moms watch your son -- and you -- at the park, as if they expect your son to cause trouble at any moment. If you're new to parenting boys, it might surprise you to learn that a lot people assume (consciously and subconsciously) that boys are troublemakers. Worse yet, these assumptions color the way people talk about and interact with our boys -- which affects our boys, socially and emotionally. A 2018 study, The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom, found that kindergarten teachers regard active, playful boys as "rebellious" and "intrusive." These attitudes transferred to the children. By the time the children were in 3rd grade, both the boys and their classmates had internalized the teachers' negative perceptions of the "class clowns." Is is any wonder that boys, on a whole, are less interested in school than girls? Or that boys are far more likely than girls to be suspended and expelled? Despite its prevalence, anti-boy/anti-male bias is not often discussed. Socially, we've made a lot of progress in addressing racial stereotypes and sexist behavior toward women, but negative assumptions about males are rarely acknowledged. One of the things we can do, as boy parents and advocates, is draw attention to persistent negative stereotypes. We can point them out. We can share our experiences with other families and insist on equitable treatment of our boys. And we can talk honestly about negative stereotypes. Our boys already know that many people are quick to assume the worst about boys. They need us to acknowledge that fact. They need us to help them untangle stereotype from reality. We also have to equip our boys with the tools they need to stand strong in the face of anti-boy messages. You can begin by loving your son unconditionally, as is. In this episode, Janet & Jen: The "feel good" news story about middle school boys befriending a boy with autism at a local skate park -- and the negative stereotypes embedded in that story How to respond when your son reports stereotyping or misunderstandings at school How to help your son process negative stereotypes The link between fear and implicit bias Connection as a cure for implicit bias and negative stereotypes How to effectively teach self-advocacy skills Why moms of boys might be boys' best advocates Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Stop Assuming Boys Are Bad -- BuildingBoys blog post The Education of Playful Boys: Class Clowns in the Classroom -- research study mentioned at about 7:00 Don't Assume the Worst About Boys -- U.S News article by Jen How My Son, and a Pleather Jacket, Schooled Me on Being a 10-Year-Old Boy Today -- Washington Post article mentioned at 9:40 The Guide for White Women Who Teach Black Boys -- book mentioned by Janet at 15:18 Boys Will Be Boys? How Schools Can Be Guilty of Gender Bias -- Guardian articleOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kelly Goodwin is boy mom extraordinaire. Kelly Goodwin w her husband & 5 boys She's got 5 boys (currently ages 8-16), a degree in child development and a slew of nieces and nephews. If parenting boys has taught her anything, it's the power of trusting your instincts. That's why she launched Trust Yourself Mama, a YouTube channel that encourages parents of young children to trust themselves. Kelly's videos are short & sweet, so they're perfect for time-swamped parents who need a bit of encouragement and insight. Thanks to the internet (and podcasts!), parents today have instantaneous access to more parenting information than our grandparents could have ever envisioned. But all of that information can be a bit overwhelming. Kelly reminds us that we parents know our kids better than anyone. The parenting tips we find online might sound great, but only we can decide if those tips will be effective or helpful in our families. Kelly's videos are designed to be conversation-starters. You can watch them with your spouse or parenting partner, and then discuss your reactions. Her videos give you the chance to think carefully about your parenting goals and choose strategies aligned with your family values and goals. Kelly is quick to tell you that she doesn't have all the answer. Five boys and 16 years into parenting, she's still not sure when her boys need a dose of reality and when it would be better to simply encourage their dreams.   In this episode, Janet, Jen & Kelly discuss: How to decide when to send your son to school (especially if he has a late summer birthday) Making tough parenting decisions Learning to "adjust on the fly" Why it's important to understand what motivates each of your children The value of intuition in parenting How a family mission statement can help you make effective parenting decisions The importance of consistency in parenting How our emotions can hijack our parenting Boys' desire for a cheerleader Self-care for busy moms -- & why it's not selfish The stupid questions people ask parents of all boys, including the ever-popular "So, you gonna keep trying for a girl?" Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Trust Yourself Mama -- Kelly's YouTube channel  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"He just won't talk to me." If you've ever uttered those words, you are not alone. Nearly every parent of boys has complained and/or worried about their sons' silence. We know that there's a lot going on in our boys' lives and we want to help -- but how can we help if they won't even tell us what's going on? Psychogeography, Janet says, might be the answer. (Don't know what that is? Don't worry! Jen didn't either.) The term psychogeography refers to the influence of geographical environment on the mind or on behavior. In other words, WHERE you are can influence communication. Think about it: hollering through a door sets an entirely different tone than sitting side-by-side in the car. As a parent, you can't make your son talk -- but there's a lot you can do to set the stage. Your actions, body language and behavior tell your son a lot about whether or not it's "safe" to talk to you. Phrases such as "My door is always open" and "You can tell me anything" are empty words to most boys. If you want your son to talk, you must first prove to your son -- through you words and behavior -- that you won't make things worse and are physically and emotionally available. Here's an acronym you can use to set yourself up for success: :  T.A.L.K. T -  The timing of your conversation. Be sensitive to your son's signals. A -  Incorporate action. Boys o best when they can do something physical during conversation. L - Love. Boys need to know that they're okay whatever is happening with them. K - Keep it kid-friendly. Choose developmentally appropriate words, and engage in your boy's world and interests. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: The importance of listening Phrases that don't work How to set aside time for communication Why side-by-side conversations are often the most productive The T.A.L.K. approach to conversation How to fix things if the conversation goes badly (Note: It is ALWAYS the adult's responsibility to repair the relationship. Don't expect your son to take the first step) Why you must be vulnerable in conversation How to set realistic expectations Males' tendency to process feelings via action & females' tendency to process via words Timing conversation (a.k.a, why it's important to make yourself available when they want to talk) Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: How to Listen so Boys Will Talk -- BuildingBoys blog post by Rob Brown What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- New York Times article mentioned at 6:14 How to Raise a Boy: The Power of Connection to Build Good Men -- book by Michael C. Reichert, mentioned at about 10:30 Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden -- podcast episode mentioned at 16:41Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Katy Rank Lev has 3 feral sons. (Her words, not ours!) And up until her first son was born nine years ago, Katy had zero experience living with boys. She recently sent us this message :  I just had to write in and tell you all how meaningful your podcast is for me. I have all sisters and 12 female cousins...I never spent time w boys until I had 3! Your podcast is both validating and practical for me. Today, my oldest son asked if he could dismantle the dresser he broke before we hauled it out to the trash. I paused. And then said yes. All of my sons spent several peaceful hours dismantling the broken dresser, categorizing the metal bits they pulled out, splintering the paperboard into evenly sized stakes to hunt vampires. It was the most imaginative and wonderful morning we’ve had in weeks. Thank you for teaching me it’s ok to say yes to that!! As a "boy mom," Katy is not alone. It's so hard for moms of boys to figure out what's OK. We desperately want to raise boys who become decent, respectful men, but we aren't exactly sure if allowing fart jokes at the table will hinder that process. We want our boys to be active, strong and creative, but when they want to take apart furniture or wrestle at the playground, we're not sure if our job is to encourage them or rein them in. And through it all, we feel the weight of other parents' expectations. Learning to live with (and parent) boys is a skill. As Katy discovered, the more you know about boys, the better you can meet their needs -- and the more peaceful and joyful your home will be. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Katy discuss: The value of free play The benefits of saying YES Why you should let your kids use real tools Parenting "firecracker boys" How letting go of your expectations can create a happier home The stupid comments people make when they see an all-boy family Dealing with judgments from moms of girls The importance of connecting with other parents of boys Learning to listen to your instincts Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 156: katyranklev.com -- Katy's website (includes lots of links to her articles!) Comments From Strangers Upon Seeing My 3 Sons Out in Public This Week: An Annotated List -- Katy's Brain,Child article Step Lively: When Baby's Cries Are Cries for Help -- Katy's article about discovering her oldest son has autism Episode 102: Disappointments and Helping Boys Deal with Them -- all about Sam getting his 4-wheel license Savage Park - BuildingBoys blog post about a free-range playground in Japan 11 Tips for Surviving -- & Thriving -- With Boys in the House -- Parade article by Jen 4 Ways to Make Your House Movement-Friendly -- article by JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by John Mackie via Flickr Nearly 1 in 3 high school seniors tried vaping in the last year.  Middle schoolers are vaping too. According to the Centers for Disease Control, e-cigarette use among middle school students increased by 48% between 2017 and 2018. Now, nearly 5% of middle school students in the United States vape on a regular basis. Kids and teachers alike say that middle and high school students are vaping in the bathroom, in the halls and even in class. Vaping is so prevalent among tweens and teens that the U.S. Surgeon General declared youth vaping an epidemic in late 2018. The makers of e-cigarettes say that their products are intended to help adult smokers quit smoking tobacco cigarettes. Some have questioned the sincerity of that claim, noting that vape pens and juice come in shapes and flavors that appeal to children. The Juul, a common vape device, looks like a USB drive and is so popular among youth that the word "Juuling" is often used to mean "vaping." Juul e-cigarette and vape juice pods The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is preparing to release new rules designed to limit kids' access to vaping products. Among the rules under consideration: A ban on the sale of flavored e-cigarettes (except menthol and mint flavors) in stores that don't have areas prohibiting children under the age of 18 New age-verification standards for online stores selling e-cigarettes Increased enforcement of rules banning e-cigarette marketing toward minors Such rules may limit kids' access to e-cigarettes in the future, but right now, there are a whole lot of teens, tweens and families grappling with the issue of vaping. In this episode, we talk with Renee, a mom of twin teenage boys who vape. As she learned firsthand, it's not easy to help a son who's hooked on vaping. If your child vapes or smokes, visit teen.smokefree.gov for resources to help them quit including the quitSTART app and a text messaging program (Text “Quit” to 47848). In this episode,  Jen, Janet & Renee discuss: Signs and symptoms of vaping How to talk to your kids about vaping Why kids who would never dream of smoking a cigarette are comfortable with e-cigarettes How to help your kids resist peer pressure, including phrases you can teach your child to use when someone offers an e-cigarette A possible link between anxiety and vaping Health risks of vaping What it's like to help a teen quit vaping What to do if your son is vaping Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 155: Teens and Vaping: 9 Things Parents Need to Know -- article by Jen How to Talk with Your Kids About Vaping -- guide from the Partnership for Drug-Free Kids Electronic Cigarettes (E-Cigarettes) -- basic intro by the National Institute on Drug Abuse A Harm Reduction Guide for Parents of Teens Who Vape -- great resource for parents whose teens are already vaping Additional Resources: Smokefree Teen teen.smokefree.gov Helpful resources, including Smokefree TXT: Quitting on your phone, on your terms Free mobile service, if you have an unlimited text plan, for teens (starting at age 13) Provides 24/7 encouragement, advice and tips No parent permission required Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids  800-803-7178 tobaccofreekids.org Advocate for public policies to help teens quit smoking and protect people from secondhand smoke Truth (a campaign developed by teens) thetruth.com Teen videos, apparel and games   photo credit: https://vaping360.com/best-vape-starter-kits/pod-mini-vapes/  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Russ Allison Loar via Flickr Sweet 16. Here in the United States, age 16 has long been an eagerly anticipated milestone, largely because teens are eligible to get a driver's license at age 16. In the minds of many teens, age 16 = driver's license = increased independence. In the minds of many parents, age 16 = increased insurance costs and anxiety regarding their child's safety. In fact, fewer teens are getting drivers' licenses at age 16. According to an article published on Wired.com, just 71% of high school seniors have a driver's license; that's the lowest percentage in decades. Societal changes account for the decline: the prevalence of ride-sharing services such as Lyft & Uber means that many teens don't need to drive to get from one place to another, and social media now allows teens to socialize without leaving home. Economic challenges are a factor as well: 36% of non-driving teens cite "overall cost" as a contributing issue. Whether your teen gets a driver's license or not age 16 is a big deal. It's a step toward independence, and time to talk about responsible decision making. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss: Learning to drive as a rite of passage The importance of following your son's lead (Some are ready to drive at age 16; some have no desire) How to tell if your son is ready to drive How to set limits and guidelines that fit your son Why parents may not be the best driving instructors for their children How to talk to kids about the risks & responsibilities of driving (Hint: sharing scary stats does not work.) How graduated driver's licenses help teens build experience The role of role-modeling (Don't want your teen to text & drive? Don't text and drive!) The cost of driving -- how parents & kids can share the expense Things to consider when purchasing/helping your son purchase a car Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 154: How to Intervene When Life Gives Your Grown Son a Lemon -- article mentioned by Jen at about 20:00 Parent-Teen Driving Contract -- template created by the American Academy of Pediatrics and Centers for Disease Control Street Survival driving school -- driving school mentioned by Janet at 10:02 Age 16 & Learning to Let Go - blog post about what happened after Jen's son got his licenseOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Janet & Jen had very different reactions to The New Childhood: Raising Children to Thrive in a Connected World, by author and educator Jordan Shapiro. Jen loved it. Janet has some, uh, questions. And concerns. So, we decided to talk to the author. Jordan was happy to talk with us. He's an assistant professor at Temple University who specializes in game-based learning, digital play and screens. As a senior fellow for the Joan Ganz Cooney Center at Sesame Workshop,  he coordinates research and advocacy around digital technology and playful education. He's also a dad of two boys, ages 11 and 13, so his knowledge of screens and digital play is more than academic. Like all 21st century parents, he grapples with technology and parenting every single day. Our society, he says, is changing. The digital age is here, and interconnected technology is changing everything -- how we work, relate, socialize, play, learn and plan. The pace of change has been fast and furious, and as a result, a lot of adults are feeling overwhelmed and somewhat fearful. But fear of technological and societal shifts won't help us teach our children to use the tools of the digital age in intentional, ethical and moral ways. To effectively parent today's kids -- and prepare them for the future -- we must open our minds, get clear about our values and talk to our kids about their digital engagement. In this episode, Janet, Jen & Jordan discuss: How parents' fear of screens can disrupt the parent/child relationship & inhibit child development How our ideas of "healthy behaviors" are based on and influenced by when and where we live What's really going on when kids are staring at separate screens Parallel digital play How screens can lead to connection (vs. disconnection) How non-techy parents can guide kids through the digital age (hint: it's all about values) Screens in schools Reading on screens vs reading text -- pros and cons Digital note taking vs. hand-written notes -- what does the evidence say? Whether or not screens and apps are "manipulating" us How our children internalize our voices and values Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 153: https://www.jordanshapiro.org/ -- Jordan's website (includes links to his articles and videos of his talks) The New Childhood: Raising Kids to Thrive in a Connected World -- Jordan's latest book 'The New Childhood' and How Games, Social Media are Good for Kids -- Variety article that brought Jordan's book to Jen's attention Screens and Boys -- On Boys episode 106 iGen - On Boys episode 137 Video Games & Boys (with special guest Greg Wondra) - On Boys episode 108 Tap, Click, Read: Growing Readers in a World of Screens by Lisa Guernsey & Michael H. Levine -- book mentioned by Jordan at about 21:30Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Happy Anniversary....Happy Birthday .... Any way you slice it - we're thrilled to bring you this special edition of ON BOYS. After a year of conversations - that's well over 50+ hours of talking, laughing, lamenting, and inspiring each other - and hopefully, our listeners - Jen and Janet learn some new and surprising things about each other in this episode ... and daydream about the day when they will FINALLY meet in person! Thank you, dear listeners, for supporting ON BOYS this year -- and for being boy champions! Much love, Janet & JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Rosalind Wiseman's work is based on the belief that young people's experiences are important, but often discounted. Adults, she says, frequently give young people advice without listening to them first. Boys often tune out adult's well-meaning messages because we fail to recognize that they are the subject matter experts of their own lives. However, if you respect their experiences and listen to their concerns, boys will work with you. Wiseman says that parents and teachers who want to communicate more effectively with boys should: Stop freaking out. Don't let anxiety drive your interactions with boys. Stop making assumptions about boys. Ask, don't lecture. In this episode, Wiseman answers some tough questions from parents, and drops wisdom that's sure to change your approach to (and relationship with) the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Rosalind discuss: Why most social-emotional learning experiences alienate boys -- and why it's so important to consider boys' needs as we create programs to teach them character development, empathy & kindness How parents can more effectively listen to boys Why overwhelming boys with questions is exactly the wrong thing to do The importance of simply showing affection to your boys (vs. showering them with questions) How moms' intensity can cause boys to shut up or lash out The hypocrisy of adults (Boys aren't wrong when they call out adults as hypocritical and unfair!) The tightrope boys walk: On some level and in some instances, males have privilege and power that amplifies their voices. But in other cases, boys' voices aren't respected. Why there are no clear-cut answers to parenting dilemmas The importance of acknowledging the fact that adults sometimes make things worse How parents and teachers can partner with boys to help them solve tough problems Why it's so important to listen to and honor teen boys' fear of being falsely accused of sexual assault How to role-model apologies and healthy conflict resolution How to cope with boys' anger (Pro tip: Ask him what he needs, and let him walk away) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 151: CulturesofDignity.com - organization founded by Rosalind Wiseman. Works with communities to shift the way we think about young people's physical and emotional well-being Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman Masterminds & Wingmen -- BuildingBoys' review of Wiseman's book Q & A w Rosalind Wiseman, Author of Masterminds & Wingmen -- 2013 BuildingBoys post Owning Up curriculum -- Wiseman-developed curriculum created in collaboration with children and teens. Designed to help kids deal with bullying, harassment, racism, gossip, media and self-image Creating Culture's of Dignity - Wiseman's speech discussing adult & child/teen perceptions of "respect"Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Meet Stay-at-Home Dad, Homeschooling Dad, and Mankind Project participant and advocate, Mark. Dad of Sam, age 8, husband of Corissa, living in Portland, Oregon, Mark retraces his journey as a boy who didn't feel listened to by his mom and dad, struggling with his identity as a stay-at-home dad, and his striving to be an emotionally available, strong role model for his family. Mark's story may feel familiar to many men. A dad who was distant and detached. A mom who seemed to ignore his attempts to share his deeper feelings. Mark was left wondering what was wrong with him and wishing for more connection to himself and his family. When Mark discovered The Mankind Project, he discovered a brotherhood of men who are committed to bringing The Mankind Project states, "We believe that emotionally mature, powerful, compassionate, and purpose-driven men will help heal some of our society’s deepest wounds. We support the powerful brilliance of men and we are willing to look at, and take full responsibility for, the pain we are also capable of creating – and suffering. We care deeply about men, our families, communities, and the planet." Mark's conversation with Janet is touching, inspiring, and thoughtful. Listen until the end to hear Mark's heart-warming conversation with his dad - one that he wished had happened years earlier. Article of interest, too: https://goodmenproject.com/parenting/the-stigma-surrounding-stay-at-home-fathers/  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Ye Fang Kuang via Flickr Competitive video gaming may be coming soon to a school near you. E-sports  (short for "electronic sports") is a $900 million dollar global industry. In South Korea, top video game players are household names, and matches are televised. Here in the United States, more than 80 colleges and universities, including Kent State and the University of California - Berkeley, now offer esports scholarships. High schools are getting in on the action too. In October 2018, the National Federation of State High School Associations -- the same organization that promotes interscholastic sports and performing arts activities -- launches its first-ever eSports season; six different states hosted their first-ever state video game championships in January 2019. In February, another season of high school esports kicks off, with three additional states joining in on the fun. To many parents and grandparents, the idea of video games as a sport sounds, well, ridiculous. But coaches and players say that esports have a lot more in common with football, basketball and soccer than you may think. The real benefit of school sports, most people know, is that they teach teamwork, discipline and camaraderie. Few high school football players will go on to play football after high school, but the lessons learned on the field linger. So do the relationships players develop with their coaches and teammates. The same holds true for competitive video gamers. Like other athletes, they must learn how to communicate effectively and how to best use the strengths of each person on the team. They must learn how to control their emotions and assess and respond to an ever-changing environment. They gain a sense of pride and connection. In fact, there a lot of good reasons to say yes to esports: Kids thrive when they connect with other kids who share their passions Esports teams are under the supervision of a coach during practices and meets (rather than spending dozens of unsupervised hours playing video games) Esports fall under school athletic policies, so competitors must meet academic eligibility requirements and adhere to behavioral standards Anyone can compete in eSports. Size and strength aren't a plus or a minus, and mixed gender teams are common. (Check out this awesome Microsoft commercial, which illustrates how adaptive controllers break down barriers by allowing kids of all abilities to play together.) Most schools already have the equipment necessary to participate in eSports There's almost no travel involved (especially when compared to other sports!) In this episode,  Janet & Jen discuss: What esports are How -- and why -- esports can benefit video game-loving boys, especially non-athletic boys who don't feel connected to school What parents & teachers need to know about esports & competitive video gaming The similarities between esports & traditional sports What kids can learn from esports Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 149: Video Games are the New Competitive Sport in Schools -- Jen's article about esports Griffin's Chovy on His Ridiculous KDA of 104 & The Strength of His Team -- ESPN article (yes, an ESPN article!) about a competitive League of Legends player Which Schools Offer eSports Scholarships How to Start a High School Esports League & Benefit Your Got a competitive gamer in your life? Leave us a message! We'd love to interview him on in upcoming episode.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Love really is what makes the world go around.  At least, it's what makes the world a better place! Photo by photosavvy via Flickr On Valentine's Day, our thoughts typically turn to romantic love (thanks to a hefty assist by Hallmark, restaurants and jewelry companies.) In this special Valentine's Day episode, we're focusing on another kind of love: The love between parents and children, between grandparents and grandchildren, between teachers and the kids they teach. We're talking about transformative love -- the kind of love that tells a kid he's all right, and that the world needs him. We all love our children, but do our kids feel that love in their lives in a very real way? Many moms of boys struggle with how to best connect with their male children, especially when their boys seem more interested in playing video games online with their friends than having a heart-to-heart talk. So, we asked boys: How can the adults in your lives show you their love? Their answers may surprise you -- and give you some ideas you can use to build your relationship with the boys in your life. In this episode,  Janet & Jen: Why investing time in having fun with your boys is SO worthwhile! The importance of engaging with boys on their level, of accepting them as they are right this moment The important of physical affection, even for tween & teen boys Why you might want to be careful about packing "love notes" in your son's lunch box Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 148: How to Tell Your Son "I Love You" -- BuildingBoys post that inspired this episode Hug Your Boys -- classic BuildingBoys post Where the Red Fern Grows -- YA book mentioned by Janet at about 16:00 (and yes, she sent Jen a copy immediately after recording this episode!) McElligot's Pool -- classic Dr. Seuss book mentioned at about 19:00 Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie Dent's latest book (Don't know who Maggie Dent is? Pop over & listen to our conversation with her!) Episode 120: Hygiene Help for Tween and Teen Boys The 5 Love Languages of Children -- book by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers -- book by Gary ChapmanOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Over the last year or so, as story after story of men's misconduct hit the headlines, one question rang out in the hearts, minds and souls of parents: How do we raise boys to become good men?  Boys, we know, are not born evil or prejudiced. We've seen their sweetness. We tousle their hair and tuck them in bed. We step over plastic dinosaurs and sit on the sidelines in all kinds of weather because we care about our boys. Because we love them. Because we want them to share their gifts and talents with the world. None of us wants to raise a sexual abuser, serial predator or school shooter. But none of us are quite sure how to insure against those awful possibilities. We don't know the exact recipe for a good man. Sure, we have some ideas, but in real time, most of us are just doing the best we can, minute to minute. Raising boys in a culture that's rapidly changing brings some real challenges, and those of us born before the turn of the century aren't sure how to parent the digital natives who share our homes. Washington Post writer and editor Amy Joyce is intimately familiar with the challenges of raising boys; she has two sons, ages 9 and 11. In 2018, motivated in part by national discussions about masculinity and how to raise good men, she and a team of journalists talked to boys, parents and experts about what it's like to be a boy today. The resulting three articles, published in late 2018, captured the essence of American boys at this critical juncture in time. The articles focus on boys at three discrete stages: Age 8, Age 11 and Age 17. Jen calls this series "the most real and compassionate portrayal of boys and their families in the media in a long time." We talked to Amy about this ground-breaking series and her experience raising boys. Amy Joyce, Washington Post On Parenting editor, top L. Janet, upper R; Jen bottom. In this episode,  Janet, Jen, & Amy discuss: Why the Washington Post produced this series, and how they found the boys and families they featured Possible plans for a follow up series Real-life challenges of boys and their parents Generational changes and challenges The "how do I not raise a jerk?" question How our stereotypical beliefs about boys can limit our boys, our parenting and our teaching Implicit biases against boys How working on this series changed Amy's approach to parenting her sons Male friendships during the tween and teen years Changing expectations for boys and men The public response to the WaPo series Why listening to -- and not underestimating -- boys is key to raising great men Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145: Being a Boy: Age 8 -- Washington Post article Being a Boy: Ages 11 & 12 -- Washington Post article Being a Boy: Age 17 -- Washington Post articleOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Young men are 4X more likely to die of suicide than young women The suicide rate for boys ages 15 to 19 grew by 30 percent from 2007 to 2015 Suicide is now the second leading cause of death for ages 10-24 No one wants to think or talk about suicide, but as people who care deeply about the well-being of boys, we'd be remiss to stay silent. This episode is a tough, but vitally important, one. Trigger warning: This episode includes frank conversations about suicide and includes non-graphic descriptions of the circumstances surrounding some suicides Katey McPherson Our guest, Katey McPherson, is a boy advocate, educator and consultant who turned her attention to suicide prevention after a slew of teenage boys in Arizona committed suicide. "Just in my 20 mile radius, we've lost 32 boys in 20 months," says McPherson. Most, she said, had experienced a "significant life crisis" in the weeks previous such as a breakup, academic or athletic failure or altercation with the law.  To many adults, these incidents may seem relatively minor. But in the life of tween or teen, these are major events. "The reality is, some of these children have never failed. And so when they have a failure, it is epic," McPherson explains. Social networking can further amplify kids' feeling of failure, as news of kids' achievements and failures quickly spread. Unfortunately, adults sometimes unwittingly make things worse by taking away their child's phone or keeping their child apart from friends. Teens rely on one another for social support, and use their phones to connect. Without their phones and friends, they feel alone and isolated. Trapped in their thoughts, it's all too easy to move from depression to suicidal ideation to suicide. Teenage boys' brains are immature. They don't process the world the same way we do. They're impulsive. We have to remember those facts when interacting with our teen boys. We have to listen, learn and love. Above all, pay attention to your gut instincts. "If your mom or dad radar is going off, there's something wrong," McPherson says. "Don't dismiss your mom or dad radar. That's where we go wrong."  Don't dismiss your concerns; act instead. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, there are resources for you by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visiting suicidepreventionlifeline.org. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katey discuss: Parenting strategies that can decrease the risk of suicide and build resiliency The importance of discussing socio-emotional wellness Why it's CRUCIAL to discuss suicide, depression and mental health with your boys Why asking about suicide WILL NOT trigger suicide -- but may save a life How to tell the difference between teenage angst & depression Red flags, including disrupted sleep patterns and changes in behavior, hygiene, nonverbal communication and device usage Why you should be on alert after breakups, academic and athletic failures How a growth mindset can build coping skills and resilience How kids signal their despair on social media The importance of family media rules and a central charging station How to help your kids recognize -- and respond to -- friends' cries for help The importance of the village -- why parents must work together to keep kids safe What to do if your son is suicidal (Go immediately to a hospital with an adolescent behavioral center, or call 911) Comments shared with us after podcast went live: "Janet and Jennifer - I listen to your podcast every week in the car on the way to or from work and I am a big fan. Last Thursday, I called in sick to work, so didn't get to listen to this incredible episode. Hours later, my own teen boy was moving from ideation toward taking his own life, and we were alerted thanks to a friend who preferred to reach out for help for him rather than to "keep his trust" as a confidant.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

By now, you've probably seen this picture... ...and heard about Gillette's new ad, The Best Men Can Be Maybe you've even heard about the American Psychological Association's Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men, which some applaud and some condemn. (Two recent headlines: "Toxic Masculinity is Under Attack. And That's Fine," from a left-leaning website, and "The American Psychological Association Has Made Choosing a Therapist Easy," from a right-leaning site.) Discussion of these videos, pictures and guidelines have dominated social media recently -- for better and for worse. For better: People are publicly discussing masculinity and the expectations placed on boys and men. For worse: Many people are jumping to conclusions without looking at the actual source material. In many corners, "discussion" has devolved into shouting. In this episode, Jen & Janet dive in & discuss: The APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men The Gillette ad, The Best Men Can Be The encounter between the boys of Covington High School, tribal elder Nathan Phillips and the Black Hebrew Israelites Note: On 1/21/19, Twitter suspended an account which spread the initial 1-minute video of the encounter in DC after realizing that the account was likely part of a network of anonymous accounts that were working to amplify the video. Soon after that initial, short video sparked outrage, a longer, nearly 2-hour video of the encounter was posted on YouTube to an account called "John Duncan." As of 1/23/19, no one seems to know who recorded or posted the video. One journalist Jen spoke with said, "We all have serious questions about the origins of the vids and related content and the fact that finding a human attached to any of it proves elusive." Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 145: APA Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men We Believe: The Best Men Can Be -- the Gillette ad Gillette Responds to Controversial Advert Challenging Toxic Masculinity -- Forbes.com article MAGA Losers Bothering a Native American -- short 1 minute video that ignited controversy Full video of what transpired regarding Catholic High students -- "John Duncan" video Episode 143: How Confidence & Joy Spark Success Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo Let's Stop Assuming the Worst About Boys -- Jen's U.S. News & World Report article    After listening, a Texas mom commented, "Thank you for addressing this issue straight on, Janet and Jen. You have a unique position in today’s world."  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

  Photo by duncan c via Flickr Our listeners ask the big, important questions! When we put out our most recent call for listener questions, we got some heart-felt, thought-provoking, difficult-to-answer questions. Allison asked how to effectively love and support a young teen: We have a 14 year old boy, and I'm on shifting sands. I'm trying to find balance supporting and loving him while holding boundaries for battles that feel worthy of fighting. I know you all have talked young teens before, but this is all new for me, and I'm really struggling to find my new normal now that he's growing into a young man. We are strongly attached and have lots of love, so I'm grateful we get to start from there, but he can be combative and moody and I'm often taken aback by what new terrain this is. Margaret wants to know more about sensitive boys. She wrote: How about some conversation about the highly sensitive tween and tween boy? How to protect and honor and care for that gift and sensitivity, and integrate, be resilient and grow into their full masculine self in a way that honors and keeps the sensitive piece safe and ideally shares and appreciates it in helpful, meaningful, contributing ways? Linda asks about implicit bias: How do you help boys dealing with implicit bias, such as lower expectations from the teacher, benefit of doubt going to girls in conflict, etc.   In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Normal behavior for a 14 yr old boy Parenting teens as a marathon (on shifting sands) How learning & talking about the brain changes of adolescence can help parents & boys Why deliberate boundaries can decrease conflict between parents & children (and co-parents!) Shifting definitions of masculinity, and how to help your boy navigate them How to help your boy find his tribe Implicit bias against boys in schools - & how to keep it from damaging your son's self-esteem Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 144: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis American Psychological Association Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men Episode 103: Sports and Boys Who Don't Like Them Episode 131: Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers Love this Listener Q & A? Plan to join us for an Open Mic! Upcoming Open Mic dates & times: January 31st – EVENING (6 pm pacific/ 9 pm eastern) March 9th – WEEKEND (11 am pacific/ 2 pm eastern) May 14th – DAYTIME (9 am pacific/ 1 pm eastern) Click here to learn more & registerOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

"Confidence and joy are to the development of a child as oxygen is to life."   -- from Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Differences If your son struggles -- academically, socially, or emotionally -- you know how quickly simple struggles can dissolve into despair. A child who feels unsuccessful at school or in social settings tends to withdraw and give up; after all, what's the point of trying when more effort doesn't lead to more success? Repeated failure breeds apathy -- and given how many boys struggle in school, it's no wonder we're facing an epidemic of unmotivated teenage boys. It doesn't have to be this way. In their 2018 book Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider outline the toll learning differences take on kids' (and families') spirits, emotional health and overall well-being. Most importantly, they point the way toward change. Parents and educators, they say, can make a massive, positive difference in a child's life by finding and encouraging their strengths. Building confidence and joy in a child will give the child the will and fortitude necessary to thrive in the world Deb and Elaine are veteran speech-language pathologists; between them, they have more than 70 years combined experience working with children and families. Join Jen, Janet, Deb & Elaine for a lively conversation about the importance of confidence & joy, and how we can work together to spark change. Top L - Elaine Fogel Schneider; Top R - Janet Allison; Bottom L - Deborah Ross-Swain; Bottom R - Jennifer Fink In this episode,  Janet, Jen, Elaine & Deb discuss: "Red flags" parents & educators should watch for The importance of early intervention How to get help for a child who doesn't qualify for special education services How to build advocacy skills, so you can get your child the help he needs The importance of self-care How to build a support team How -- and why -- it's so important to offset negative feelings and angst Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 143: Confidence & Joy: Success Strategies for Kids with Learning Difference: A Step-by-Step Guidebook for Parents & Professionals, by Dr. Deborah Ross-Swain and Elaine Fogel Schneider 7 Strategies for Raising Calm, Successful, Inspired Children, by Elaine Fogel Schneider How to Deal with an Unmotivated Boy -- BuildingBoys blog post by Jen The Swain Center - Dr. Swain's clinical practice. Ask Dr. Elaine -- Dr. Fogel-Schneider's website. (She's also a leading authority on touch & infant massage!)Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The word resolution means "a firm decision to do or not to do something." It also means "the action of solving a problem, dispute, or contentious matter." As we head into 2019, let's consider both definitions of the word. Let's make some firm decisions to improve our relationships with our boys. Let's take steps to address and solve the contentious matters facing us. And let's work together to create a climate that encourages and supports boys and their families and teachers. Need some inspiration? Here are a few of Janet & Jen's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys: 1. Read a book about boys Our recommendations include The Minds of Boys:Saving Our Sons From Falling Behind in School and Life, by Michael Gurian; Masterminds & Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker-Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman; and Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions, by Mary Polce-Lynch. 2. Investigate your school's discipline and recess policies. Compared to girls, boys are far more likely to be disciplined, suspended and expelled. They're also more likely to lose recess time (in many schools, keeping a child inside for recess is still an acceptable, oft-used disciplinary tactic). Unfortunately, harsh discipline and recess policies rarely lead boys to greater academic success and engagement. To the contrary: harsh discipline and lack of recess time is correlated with decreased engagement in school. If you have time, recess advocacy is a great way to help boys (and girls!). 3. Add activity Most boys -- most people! -- would do better with more movement in their lives. So, think about how you can add activity to your family life. 4. Say 'yes' as often as possible In our zeal to keep our boys safe, we often say no to activities that we consider "risky" or "stupid." This year, stop and think; don't let "no" be your reflexive answer. Whenever possible, say "yes" to your boys. You can mitigate risk without crushing your boys' hopes, dreams and ambitions. 5. Focus on what's right In her book You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life, Jen Sincero writes, "What you focus on, you create more of, and if you keep expecting people to annoy you, they will not let you down." This year, make it a point to see, acknowledge and remember all of the things your boys are doing right -- and all of the good you're doing as well. 6. Share what you know about boys with other people. The world is in the midst of a current and ongoing conversation about how to raise boys. Increasingly, we're realizing that the way we treat our boys today influences the way they treat others when they become men. Collectively, there seems to be a strong desire to do better. As someone who cares about boys, you already know a lot about what boys think, feel and need. Share your knowledge with others, and discuss the things you're learning with them. Together, we can build a better world for boys. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 142: New Year's Resolutions for People Who Care About Boys - BuildingBoys post On Boys OPEN MIC -- Your chance to ask us anything. Come to discuss your problems with other people who care about boys. Why Boys NEED Recess and How to Become a Recess Advocate - class BuildingBoys post Peaceful Playgrounds -- click here for the link to their free Right to Recess campaign toolbox Episode 131: Emails and Phone Calls from Teachers Why January is the Perfect Time for a Mid-Year School Check-In - BuildingBoys post Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post inspired by the quote in resolution #5Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

As 2018 draws to a close, we reflect back on our first year.  This podcast launched on March 12, 2018. Since then, we've recorded 40+ episodes, on everything from tween boy hygiene to how to talk to boys about sex, consent and masculinity in the #MeToo era. We hosted 11 guests, including Warren Farrell (author of The Boy Crisis), Maggie Dent (Australia's "Boy Champion") and Jen's 12 year old son, Sam Fink. We tried hard to bring you information and inspiration, and look forward to tackling all kinds of topics in 2019. In this episode, Janet & Jen discuss the 5 most popular episodes of 2018: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis This book is taking America by storm, and she is changing the way we are parenting. Episode 101: Homework and Boys As parents, we feel we have to conform to the school and the teacher, but that means we're battling with our sons every night because they don't want to do another ridiculous math sheet. Episode 125: Anxiety and Depression in Boys Anxiety and depression can show up so differently in boys and men than it does in girls and women. Episode 121: Sibling Stress: How to Handle Bickering, Fighting & More Part of what we did in this episode was talk about what's normal, and when bickering and fighting cross the line into a very harmful pattern of behavior. Episode 104: Anger & Boys Developmentally, there are really good reasons why your boys are quick to anger. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 141: 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting -- Janet's course to help parents Down with Homework, Say U.S. School Districts - Wall Street Journal article We Spent a Year Reporting on Teen Anxiety. Here's What We Learned - and Why You're Part of the Solution -- Deseret News article. Includes links to many other articles about anxiety. Minivan Musings: How Parents Should Handle Their Angry Tween, Teen -- article referenced by Jen during the discussion of Anger & Boys Learning Lab: Boys and Anger -- 90-minute online workshop led by Janet Learning Lab: Homework -- 90-minute online workshop led by JanetOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by cotaro70s via Flickr   Want your boys to develop gentleness and empathy? Get a guinea pig. So says Maggie Dent, Australia's BOY CHAMPION, mother of four grown boys and author of Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons.  If you haven't yet heard Part 1 of our conversation, toggle over and listen to that episode first. Then dig into Part 2. Some highlights: "It's really annoying that we still speak more harshly to little boys." "'Boys will be boys' is not acceptable without boundaries. However, you can't punish a little boy for something he did unintentionally." "The #1 biological calling for males, still, is to be the defender and protector." "Natural consequences are the best teacher. Sometimes, we have to celebrate the owies and ouchies and not see them as a sign of bad parenting." In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: How to help elementary school boys handle their frustration when they get in trouble at school Boys' inclination toward protecting others How to support boys' interest in superhero boy & play fighting How to deconstruct the "man code" and help boys' live authentically How to talk so boys will listen The importance of social-emotional development and learning Boys' friendships -- & how moms can help their sons develop important relationship skills "Rooster" boys & "lamb" boys, & what they need from their parents & teachers How (& why) natural consequences help boys learn Why stepping back -- and allowing your son to make his own choices -- may be the best gift you can give your son   Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 140: Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons — Maggie’s latest book "This is the book I'm on the earth to write." -- Maggie Dent maggiedent.com — Maggie’s website. Jam-packed with resources! Let Grow --  The new website of Lenore Skenazy, of Free-Range Kids fame Dear mums of smelly, unmotivated, lazy, moody and confused 14 year old boys -- one of Maggie's best blog posts Maggie Dent on YouTube -- Pro Tip: These short videos are great to share with dads! Episode 129: Grief with Tom Golden  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Maggie Dent   Please meet the marvelous Maggie Dent! Known in Australia as "the queen of common sense," Maggie is a teacher, counselor and dedicated BOY CHAMPION. She's a popular speaker, parenting educator and the author of 11 books, including the recently-released Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons.  She's also a whole lotta fun! (Maggie's "Bear Pit" story is not-to-be-missed!) You'll laugh -- learn a lot about what boys really need from their parents. Some wisdom from Maggie: Moms, be careful not to shatter your boys' dreams or fantastic plans with your words. It is helpful to explore why there is often a mismatch between what a mom thinks has happened, and what a boy thinks has happened. That whole perception that there is an inevitability to boys' behavior being bad is just the biggest fallacy out there that we must pull apart. This special episode is the first-ever gathering of Maggie, Jen & Janet, but it definitely won't be the last. In this episode, Maggie, Janet & Jen discuss: Why boys are struggling in the Western world How the male code stifles boys Why shaming is so harmful to boys Societal changes within the past 30 years that have made life tougher for boys & their families (including increased academic expectations & the demise of free play) The importance of PLAY Male loneliness (and how to help boys build connections) How moms can nurture their boys The link between movement and learning How negative stereotypes about boys & boy behavior affect how people view -- and treat -- boys What to do when boys muck up Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 139: maggiedent.com -- Maggie's website. Jam-packed with resources! Mothering Our Boys: A Guide for Mums of Sons -- Maggie's latest book Stuart Brown: Play is More Than Fun - TED talk We hope you also enjoy Part 2 of our conversation with Maggie Dent! Don't miss it!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Tis the season for gift-giving, overspending & guilt. In today's consumer culture, there's intense pressure to show love and care for your family via material things. We give you permission to recognize that pressure and set it aside, whether you celebrate Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, or something else. An abundance of gifts to open can actually be overwhelming for a child. (Never mind the parent who's stressed about paying off the credit card bill, and who will likely spend the next 12 months reminding the child to pick up the *&%* toys!) So this year, we encourage you to stop and think. Don't buy gifts reflexively, or because that's "what's expected" this time of year. Instead, think about the true essence of your holiday celebration. Think about your family values, and what you really want to teach your family. Think about your time, budget and energy levels, and then plan a holiday that's grounded in reality. The average American child already has 70-100 toys -- and toys are a leading cause of sibling fights and disagreements. If your holiday celebration will include gift giving, think out-of-the-box.In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How to introduce a less-is-more approach to gift-giving; Strategies to minimize gift fatigue; Why babies and toddlers don't need holiday gifts; How too many toys fuel sibling fights, and a lack of focus; Why you should steer clear of "one-trick" toys; Cheap, creative gifts for boys of all ages, including a do-it-yourself marble run, "creation kits," and experience presents, such as museum memberships or tickets to a show Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Janet Allison   Baby Boomers. Gen X. Millennials. And now, iGen. According to psychology professor Jean Twenge, the members of iGen include the children and young adults born between 1995 and 2012. And what sets these kids apart from previous generations, she says, is their near-constant connection to the Internet. Theirs is a generation shaped by the smartphone and concomitant rise of social media...members of this generation are growing up with smartphones, have an Instagram account before they start high school, and do not remember a time before the internet. Compared to previous generations, Twenge says, members of iGen are: Less independent Less eager to drive Less likely to socialize in person Less likely to work Less likely to get seven hours of sleep per night More likely to report anxiety and depression That list is enough to give any parent or teacher palpitations! But is it a fair depiction of today's youth? Are "kids today" really that different from their parents and grandparents -- and that unprepared for adult life? And if so, are smartphones really the culprit? And if so, what do we do about it? If you're parenting or teaching iGen, you're gonna want to listen to this episode! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Intra-generational gaps within iGen The 10 important trends shaping iGen How constant connectivity can increase anxiety The "Wait 'til 8th" movement How parents can give their kids a break from tech Why technology might not be to blame for all of these problems The power of board games and playing cards How to encourage free play and tactile exploration in the digital age Why we should expect the best Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 137: iGen: Why Today's Super-Connected Kids Are Growing Up Less Rebellious, More Tolerant, Less Happy -- and Completely Unprepared for Adulthood -- and What That Means for the Rest of Us -- Twenge's latest book Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation? - Atlantic article by Jean Twenge, adapted from iGen What the Times Got Wrong About Kids and Phones -- Columbia Journalism Review article Episode 106: Screens & Boys The Big Myth of Teenage Anxiety: Relax - The Digital Age is Not Wrecking Your Kid's Brain -- NYT article by psychiatrist Richard A. Friedman Is Screen Time Really All That Bad? – Building Boys post by JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Cindi Albright via Flickr   We talk a lot about what's hard about parenting. About all of the important things you need to and should do with your boys. This Thanksgiving, we talk about why we're thankful for boys.  Let us count the ways: They expand our worldview and experience. The boys in our lives introduce us to hobbies, interests and events we didn't even know existed! (Did you know that that there's a Green Industry & Equipment Expo? Jen didn't -- until her 12-year-old entrepreneur asked if they can go.) Their "ginormous" hearts. As one Mom told Janet, "My boys will always tell me they love me." Boys may express their love differently than girls, but they have huge hearts and give so much love. The privilege of shaping future men. Boys Alive member Luis told us he's grateful for the privilege of shaping "future honorable men." We are too. And we're so grateful for all the dads, grandpas, uncles and others who are also helping us build great men. They inspire us be better people. Joseph, another Boys Alive member,  says he's thankful for his son's "admiration for me -- which is motivation for me to be what he should look up to." They show us how to relax & have fun. Building Boys member Laura says, "I love that my little boys have taught me to loosen up and have fun wrestling and just being silly. I love that they're so comfortable dressing up to play 'Let's Pretend.' I love that they itch to get outside and run around and play all day...They are teaching me patience, courage and that fine balance between keeping them safe and letting them take those important risks." (If that doesn't sum up the experience of raising boys, I don't know what does!) They stretch our comfort zone. When we see our boys doing something out of our comfort zone -- or when we're called upon to do something beyond our comfort zone -- it's easy to panic and say no. But often, our love for our boys inspires us to wait, to watch, and to say yes. We see our boys (or ourselves) accomplish something we'd previously thought "too hard" or "too risky," and gain confidence. We realize that we're more capable than we ever thought. They help us better understand half the world. We've learned so much about men by watching, listening to and learning from our boys! As Carma, a BuildingBoys member, told us, "I learned to see life from a male perspective and was shocked to learn there are stereotypes and expectations on males too." Males and females approach the world differently, and that's OK. They increase our tolerance. Boys have taught us to enjoy and appreciate mess, chaos and physical energy. They teach us that fighting is OK. As women, we often get the message the fighting is "bad." Parenting and teaching boys has shown us that it's OK -- and even healthy -- to disagree and stand your ground. People can fight, and still be friends. They challenge our beliefs. Before boys, Jen was sure she'd have a "no gun" household. Four boys later, her house contains a virtual arsenal of Nerf weapons and Airsoft guns, and she's learned that there's no evidence to link "violent" play with real-life violence. Tell us: Why are you thankful for your boys? We'd love to hear your thoughts! There are a few slight audio glitches in this episode. We apologize for any inconvenience. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 136: 7 Reasons I'm Thankful for My BoysOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Whitney H via Flickr Some call the tween years a "second toddlerhood." Like toddlers, tweens are striving for independence and determined to do things on their own. Except when they'd rather not. Some days, they want nothing more than to be little kids again, cuddled in your lap. The mood swings of tween boys catch many parents off guard, especially parents who mistakenly bought into the idea that "boys are easier." Truth is, the tween years are a challenge: for you, and for your kids. That's because a lot of physical, neurological and emotional growth happens between the ages of 10 and 14. Your boys are changing -- so quickly, in fact, that it is literally difficult to keep up. Whether this is your first or third (or seventh!) time through the tween years, you likely need support, information and humor.  We're here to give it to you. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Common reactions to the tween years Why your kids need reassurance during their tweens How the physical changes of tween-dom lead to common behavioral changes (Hint: increased testosterone leads to increased body odor and increased risk-taking) The 10-year gap between experience emotions, and learning to control them Why the tween years can be emotionally triggering for parents The importance of self-care during the tween years "Potted plant" parenting  -- and why it may be the best way to parent tweens and teens Sam's 24 Hour Garage Challenge The value of playfulness (for tweens and their parents!) Mental health concerns in the tween years (the peak onset age for most mental health disorders is 14) Why you must make sure your son is connected with adult males Jen's 3 Tips for Surviving the Tween Years Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 135: Top 6 Tips for Parenting Tween Boys 120: Hygiene Help for Tween & Teen Boys Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, by Daniel J Siegel, MD What Do Teenagers Want? Potted Plant Parents -- NYT article by Lisa Damour 123: The Good News about Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang 128: 21st Century Sex Ed with Jo Langford Author Ann Douglas on How to Health Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- Q & A with the author of Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems 132: Risk-Taking Boys with Mom Judi Ketteler Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School, by John Medina.  Also:  Attack of the Teenage BrainOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Linda Severson via Flickr   Traditional societies had many (often elaborate) rites of passage for boys and girls. On the South Pacific island of Vanuatu, boys become men after diving off rickety 40 foot platforms -- toward the ground. (You may have seen or heard about this tradition on National Geographic.) In the Sioux culture, young boys were raised predominantly by their mothers; as they became men, their fathers took over their training. And in some traditional African tribes, a boy's passage to manhood is marked by time alone in nature and circumcision. Here in the United States (and in most developed countries), there aren't really any well-recognized rites of passage to adulthood. Sure, many Jewish boys still have a Bar Mitzvah at age 13 and many Christians become full adult members in their churches after undergoing Confirmation, but neither ritual is well-recognized in the larger world as a marker of adulthood. Instead, the line between childhood, adolescence and adulthood remains blurry. According to The Art of Manliness, "At the heart of the modern crisis of manhood is the extension of adolescence, a boyhood which is stretching on for a longer and longer period of time. Once thought to end in a man’s 20s at the latest, men are extending their adolescence into their 30’s and in some especially sad cases, their 40’s. But in some ways it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of a culture in which rites of passage have all but disappeared, leaving men adrift and lost, never sure when and if they’ve become men. Today’s men lack a community of males to initiate them into manhood and to recognize their new status. Across time and place, cultures have inherently understood that without clear markers on the journey to manhood, males have a difficult time making the transition and can drift along indefinitely." In this episode, Janet discusses: Why men -- not women -- must lead rites of passage for boys How rites of passage affirm the value (and role) of men in society Common components of traditional rites of passage The risks (& harms) that can occur when boys initiate themselves into manhood Barriers to rites of passage in the modern world (a culture of individualism, mistrust of religion and 'strangers') How (& why) to create your own rites of passage Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 134: Inner Guide ExpeditionsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Enjoy this episode from our archives - it's too good to miss! AND if you're intrigued by what you hear, consider joining co-host Janet Allison for her upcoming online class: "5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting."  All the deets are here:  http://boysalive.com/untangle   If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode. If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes: If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation. Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss: The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?" Progress, not perfection How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!) 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.") Why you should watch out for the word "should" How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123: katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs. Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16 Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00) Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion. Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed. Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Would you let your 10-year-old son hang out with a bunch of teenagers you haven’t met? Would you let him attempt a double or triple flip in the trampoline in the backyard – or manage his own Instagram account? Writer and mom Judi Ketteler has. In a society that spends so much time telling boys to sit down and shut up, Judi has found a way to facilitate her son’s interests and personal growth, even though her son’s preferred sport, Gtramp, is risky and unregulated.  She’s found ways to say yes, rather than no, and her son is thriving as a result. If you’re not familiar with Gtramp, your son might be. Backyard “flippers” are extremely popular on YouTube and Instagram, particularly among tween boys. They’ve created a whole subculture, which Judi documented for the New York Times and explores with her son Maxx. Judi Ketteler w her husband, son Maxx & daughter Georgia Judi describes the experience of watching her son try new tricks on the trampoline as a “balance of absolute terror with absolute awe” – which, when you think about it, is also a pretty good description of parenting. In this episode, Jen & Judi discuss: Balancing safety concerns against the risk of inhibiting our boys’ motivation Making space for your kids to pursue their passions The sport of GTramp How kids can use YouTube to teach themselves the things they want to learn Learning to trust your son’s judgement The power of peer influence Helping tweens navigate social media “Digital training wheels” How self-directed learning helps kids find community Dealing with judgmental parents Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 132: Kaboom! Cody! Rudi! Young Flippers Embrace Gtramp, a New Sport for the Instagram Set -- Judi's NYT article about Gramp When is a Child Instagram-Ready?  -- Judi's NYT article about helping her son join Instagram @maxx_flippz -- Maxx on Instagram Maxx on his bike judiketteler.com -- Judi's websiteOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Pascal Maramis via Flickr How do you respond to phone calls and emails from teachers about your son's misbehavior? Excerpts of actual emails I've received from my son's teachers: On Tuesday, Sam was sitting in a chair with his legs on a stool, he was flipping it and turning the stool with his legs and feet. I made eye contact with him and shook my head. He smiled and then slithered around on the floor... ... Subject line: Bathroom Issue It was reported to me by another teacher that Sam *came up to a student and flipped him off and then was using his fingers to poke the student in the stomach *jumped up on the urinal ledge *sat on the wall *pulling down of pants in front of a student and then walked over to go to the urinal to pee and with his pants down went back to the student and started to poke his stomach again. ... ....Today, Sam, along with many others, was very disruptive by talking, laughing, blurting out, and trying to gain peer attention...The whole class was given a reminder on my expectations and Sam was given a personal reminder in addition to that. The disruption continues. Then, Sam took his scissors out of his box and began to open and close them.... Even after 20 years of parenting boys, I'm still not quite sure how to respond to emails like this -- how to best support my son and his teacher while trying to preserve my son's love of learning. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How teachers can adapt instruction to be more boy-friendly (Hint: Front-load the lesson with tactile, kinesthetic activities instead of starting with a lot of verbal instruction) How to talk to boys about behavior without shaming them The importance of mutual respect -- between teachers and students, parents and kids, teachers and parents How parents, teachers and students can work together toward mutually satisfactory solutions Teaching kids what "respect" looks like in a classroom The benefit of focusing on what's right How to help kids develop self-regulation skills The 3 things you absolutely must do when you receive a phone call or email from your son's teacher (#1: Breathe!) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 131: Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis Want Your Son To Succeed in School? Don't Fixate on Academics -- U.S. News & World Report article by JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

HOMEWORK can bring out the worst in us...and our kids. We wonder if we should force them to do it (again) or if we can just stop having them do it all together because the conflict is too great. Is it really important?  How do you manage - and help your son manage? In this re-broadcast of Episode 101, you'll find information and courage to choose the homework path that is right for your family. Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK. In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys struggle with homework The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement What to do about "meaningless" homework How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101 How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 By Jennifer LW Fink How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2 By Jennifer LW Fink Homework Tip #3: Let Your Kids Figure Out When & Where to Work by Jennifer LW Fink Homework at My House by Jennifer LW Fink Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction by Devorah Heitner, Phd ==================== Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ==================== What great solutions have you found that work with your boys?  Please share!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

One of our jobs, as parents and educators of boys, is to help them learn how to deal with tough emotions -- including grief. As much as we want to, we can't protect our boys from hurt. Loved ones die. Parents divorce Friends move. Boys fail to achieve important goals, and experience rejection from peers. Grief hurts. It comes and goes. Or it just stays and never seems to go away... Everyone handles grief differently. Boys tend to handle grief MUCH differently - we may be surprised AND concerned when we don't see our boys cry after a major loss. . Tom Golden, a therapist has worked with hundreds of boys and their families, has some great tips for helping boys him navigate grief. Speaking of grief: Janet is taking some time as she has just helped her dad wind down his life (only weeks after an epic trip to England). He died with a dream realized and we are celebrating that! In this episode, Jen & Tom discuss: What cross-cultural research tells us about how males & females grieve How action helps boys heal The link between safety & storytelling -- and how both are necessary to help boys who are grieving How to identify your son's "safe place" The physiological reason your boy might not cry Precarious manhood How parallel, shoulder-to-shoulder activities can help you connect with your boy What NOT to say to a grieving boy -- & what to say instead Why honoring the deceased via action is so important & meaningful to boys & men Red flags that might indicate a need for professional help Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 129: Getting Closer to Boys -- Tom's website that helps moms better understand boys TGolden.com -- Tom's professional website (and a great place to explore ALL of his work) Helping Mothers Be Closer to Their Sons: Understanding the Unique World of Boys, by Tom Golden If you are grieving, we send you hugs.  Know that you are not alone. <3Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Jo LangfordSex educator & author The standard "birds and bees" sex talk doesn't work any more. (If it ever really did!) Today, parents have to address pornography, homosexuality, gender and consent. If you feel nervous tackling those topics, don't worry. You're not alone. Sex educator and therapist Jo Langford routinely helps parents navigate these tricky conversations. Langford is the author of Spare Me the Talk!: A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationships and Growing Up and The Pride Guide: The Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, the first book about sex and sexuality written specifically for LGBTQ tweens and teens. Langford is also the father of a teenage boy and tween girl. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Jo discuss: How to support 21st century kids, even if you don't yet know what cisgender means Inclusive language - & why it's important (Hint: when you start talking about sex, you probably won't know if your child is gay, straight or trans, and the words you use can lead to alienation or signal acceptance.) How to help boys understand gender fluidity The influence of culture on boys' attitudes towards sex and gender How to respond when boys use the word "gay" as an insult or putdown What teens want their parents to discuss with them (Spoiler: technology!) How teens use screens to explore their sexuality and develop relationships - & how parents can help their kids navigate the digital world How to protect kids from accidental porn exposure (Hint: blocking software is your friend) Age-appropriate language you can use to discuss porn with your boys Jo's "50% rule" for porn Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126: behereos.net -- Jo's website, featuring his talks, speaking schedule & free downloads (including Porn: The Guide to a Healthy Grab-It Habit) Spare Me 'The Talk!': A Guy's Guide to Sex, Relationship, and Growing Up, by Jo Langford The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth, by Jo Langford When Children Say They're Trans -- The Atlantic article Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang Why Inclusive Sex Ed is So Important -- article by JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

  "My son just turned 14 & his girlfriend is 13, and he doesn't understand why I won't leave them alone in my house. Am I being over protective of BOTH of them? I feel a duty of care to his girlfriend. I know how easily things can turn from innocent to not-so-innocent. They are both physically mature. Help!" -- Kathleen   Photo by Robyn Gallant via Flickr Helping boys (and girls) navigate the ins-and-outs of relationships isn't easy. It's also one of our most important jobs. The groundwork and guidelines we establish will set the tone for our kids' behavior and relationship expectations for years to come. It's not enough to simply say, "Stay safe." And it's not practical (or even advisable) to say, "No dating!" Somehow, we need to give our children room to explore and experiment with emotional and physical intimacy, while also teaching them respect and boundaries. While dealing with teenagers. Who are sure they know everything. Not easy. We're here to help you muddle through.   In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The changing definition of "girlfriend" -- & why it's important to ask your son what the term means to him How family rules & values can help you (& your teen) navigate relationships Why it's so important to discuss relationships, consent & sex with your boys, beginning when they're young How to connect with the family of your son's GF (& why you might want to) Why it's more beneficial to talk about what to do in a relationship than what not to do How relationships can help your son expand his emotional vocabulary Why you might want to invest in a box of condoms. Even if your son is only 10. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 127: Episode 110: Talk to Boys about Sex with Amy Lang Episode 119: Consent with Mike Domritz Talking to Boys about Sexually Aggressive Girls -- BuildingBoys post about how to help your son handle sexual pressureOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo via PixaBay A listener asked us, "How do you gently encourage/educate your boy's teacher on what boys need and how to help them, rather than shame them, when they have gone into anger?" The short answer: It ain't easy, but it's so, so worth it! Many teachers know very little about the specific developmental trajectory and needs of boys; teacher training often does not include a course that delves into gender-related differences in learning and communication. Some teachers naturally "get" boys; others are easily overwhelmed by boys' energy. Most teachers, however, sincerely want to help children. They're eager to learn, and usually quite open to partnering with students' parents. After all, parents have had years to figure out their child's trigger points and preferred calming strategies; teachers only get a few months. Also: the research has consistently shown that what's good for boys is good for learning. Increasing recess time actually improves student focus, decreases off-task behavior (by as much as 25%, according to at least one study!) and increases academic achievement. But how do you share information about boys' needs with your sons' teachers? Very carefully. According to Janet & Jen, timing is everything; don't approach a teacher at the end of a busy day or during morning drop-off, and definitely DO NOT fire off an email or text to your son's teacher when you are angry. Share specific information about your boy before gently segueing to a more general discussion of boys' needs. Try framing your comments in a way that shows empathy. Saying something like, "Before I had Caleb, I didn't realize..." is one way to acknowledge the fact that you yourself had a lot to learn about boys-- and may inspire your son's teacher to reflect on her own knowledge of boys. If your son's teacher is interested in learning more, consider sharing a book or articles with her. (Some of our favorites are listed in the show notes below.) A school or community-wide book study is a great way to increase awareness of boys' needs too -- and may be the way to increase boys' engagement and academic achievement. Janet and Jen are available to speak at your school and bring a wealth of wisdom, humor, and empathy to both parents and teachers. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The right time to talk "boy" with your son's teacher When -- and how -- to involve administration How to use the school's discipline referral data to identify opportunities for improvement How parents can work together to make a school more boy-friendly Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 126: BOKS Kids-- Reebok-sponsored, parent-inspired before & after school activity program 7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post BuildingBoys Resource List Writing the Playbook: A Practitioner's Guide to Creating a Boy-Friendly School, by Kelley King Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys, by Stephen James & David S. Thomas The Minds of Boys: Saving Our Sons from Falling Behind in School & in Life, by Michael Gurian US! We can come to your school, library or community & educate parents & teachers about boys. Click on the picture below to send us a message. We'll be in touch as soon as possible!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Brent Gambrell via Flickr   1 in 2 children will develop a mood or behavioral disorder or substance addiction by age 18.  We parents like to think that if we "do everything right," our kids will be mentally and physically healthy with nary a care in the world. But that's not the case. The truth is that mental health challenges, including depression and anxiety, affect people of all ages from every segment of society -- including Jen, who was diagnosed with double depression in her mid-30s. Sadly, boys & men are far less likely to seek help for a mental health condition than girls and women. Fear of looking "weak" or "unmanly" causes many guys to bottle up their feelings, with potentially disastrous results. (In 2016, white males accounted for 7 of 10 suicides in the United States.) Anxiety and depression, the two most common mental health disorders, are highly treatable, but too many children and families suffer alone. Only about 40% of children and teens with anxiety or depression receive treatment. Intervening when your son exhibits symptoms of anxiety or depression can change the trajectory of his life, for the better. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How persistent stigma keeps families from acknowledging and seeking help for anxiety & depression (4:05) Symptoms of anxiety and depression in boys & men (4:56; 10:59;16:49) The link between anxiety & depression and risk-taking behavior, including drug use and promiscuous sex (7:40) Breaking through denial (11:53) How to help your child, even if no one else thinks there's a problem (13:45) or you have a hard time accessing mental health services (14:01) The difference between "worry" and "anxiety" (17:46) The link between anxiety & depression (20:44) How to find professional help, including online counseling (24:42) How to identify a boy-friendly therapist or counselor (27:53) The importance of self-care when dealing with a family member's mental health issues (29:30) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 125: The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever and What to Do About It -- book by Katherine Reynolds Lewis Episode 123: The Good News About Bad Behavior with Katherine Reynolds Lewis Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell Author Ann Douglas on How to Help Boys with Mental Health Challenges -- BuildingBoys blog post Parenting Through the Storm: Find Help, Hope, and Strength When Your Child Has Psychological Problems -- book by Ann Douglas Episode 114: Sleepover, Summer Camp & Separation Anxiety National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: 1-800-662-HELP (4357) K'Bro -- emotional resiliency app/game that helps boys identify and manage emotions ManTherapy -- interactive website that just might appeal to older teen boys who are otherwise resistant to seeking help TalkSpace -- offers anonymous, online counseling with licensed therapistsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by ThoseGuys 199 via Flickr It's back to school time!  But despite the smiley faces pictured in many back-to-school ads, the start of a new academic year doesn't exactly generate feelings of enthusiasm and excitement in many boys (or their parents). For many families, back-to-school time is synonymous with dread, fear and anxiety. In fact, the number of boys who don't like school has increased over the past generation. In 1980, 14% of boys said they didn't like school. By 2001, 24% of boys -- nearly one-quarter -- said they disliked school. Today, the number is likely even higher. We get it: school isn't always a boy-friendly place. Boys who have experienced failure and shame in school aren't likely to suddenly develop an optimistic attitude toward school. That's where you come in. There's a lot parents and teachers can do to preserve boys' love of learning, and set them up for a successful school year, including introducing them to new rules and teachers well before the first day and creating morning and after-school routines that respect boys' need for movement. Also important: learning about boys' natural development, so you can better understand why so many boys struggle in school. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: The unique challenges boys face in modern classrooms, including early academic pressure and expectations that aren't aligned with boy development  (3:25 & 9:15)) Why it's important to tackle your own unresolved issues and values regarding learning and education (4:00) How to help boys starting preschool (6:30) Why you need to explicitly outline behavior expectations for school and home (12:04) How unscheduled downtime helps boys learn (14:05) Why you should focus on developing boys' social-emotional skills (14:58) Setting screen time limits (15:50) Why (& when) it's OK to prioritize life over homework (16:40) The "potted plant" method of parenting -- & how to use it to support teen boys (18:00) How to help your boys get organized (19:23) Why letting our boys fail will ultimately allow them to succeed (20:36) How to get teenage boys to talk about school (22:00) Helps boys transition to high school (22:50) How teachers can connect with boys (25:42) How humor can help you deal with setbacks (29:23) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 124: Episode 101: Homework & Boys Episode 106: Screens & Boys 7 Ways Teachers Can Make School Better for Boys -- BuildingBoys blog post Boys & School -- classic BuildingBoys post about the challenges Jen's son Sam encountered when he started school 5 Back-to-School ResolutionsOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

  If your kids always do what they're told, consistently treat others with kindness and never over-react to unintended slights, you can skip this episode. If not -- WELCOME! Your child is 100% normal, and you're going to love this conversation with Jen, Janet and Katherine Reynolds Lewis, author of The Good News About Bad Behavior. In her book, Lewis writes: If you look around and see misbehaving, undisciplined children everywhere, it's not just imagination. Children today are fundamentally different from past generations. They truly have less self-control. Simply put, we face a crisis of self-regulation. Lewis's observations of her own children, and comments from other parents, led her on a six-year exploration of behavior, parenting and neurobiology -- and points the way toward parenting techniques we can begin adapting right now to improve our children's behavior. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Katherine discuss: The dramatic increase in mental health problems in today's youth What self-regulation is, why it's important, and how to develop it in our kids How to shift your mindset from "How do I control my children?" to "How do I teach them to control themselves?" Progress, not perfection How to shift from a reactive model of parenting to thoughtful, deliberate parenting The "mumble and walk away technique" (Trust us: this can change your parenting for the better!) 3 common characteristics of research-backed models of discipline: connection, communication & capability How to use physical touch to help your child self-regulate Why kids need to do hard stuff -- & the link between failure & self-esteem The relationship between risk & capability ("Early risky experiences seem to inoculate kids from later phobias & anxiety," Lewis says. She also says, "Kids should do something a little bit risky every day.") Why you should watch out for the word "should" How to find support as you practice a new model of parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 123: katherinereynoldslewis.com -- Katherine's author website. Contains a lot of info about her book and a complete list of her speaking gigs. Teaching Consent to a 12-Year-Old Boy -- the backstory behind the "bathroom email" referenced at about 7:16 Why Boys Do What They Do -- blog post about Jen's son pulling himself around the bases (referenced at 8:00) Episode 111: Self-Esteem & Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys BuildingBoys private FB group -- Jen's online parenting community. We welcome parents of boys of all ages, but seem to specialize in helping each other navigate the tween and teen years. A consistently supportive community, filled with tenderness, honesty and compassion. Boys Alive! Supporting Parents and Teachers of Boys at Home and in School FB group -- Janet's online community. This supportive community stands ready to answer your questions, share their hard-won wisdom, and commiserate and send virtual hugs when needed. Janet invites you to explore these - and other - parenting concepts in her 6 week class: The 5 Steps to Untangle Your Parenting.  Click here for more details and registration.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

photo by J.K. Califf via Flickr The word co-parenting is typically associated with divorce, but maybe it's time to change that association. After all, the term refers to shared responsibility for parenting. In the world of divorce, it means that both parents share responsibility for big decisions (like healthcare and education), and both parents share the mundane, day-to-day responsibilities of parenting, like feeding the children and getting them to and from activities. Shared parenting is another term that's often used interchangeably with co-parenting, and we think all parents -- married, divorced, or single -- would do well to think of parenting as a cooperative venture. As divorced parents, we know that co-parenting often means coming to terms with the fact that you cannot control how your ex parents. After divorce, it is impossible for one parent to dictate what the children eat or when they go to bed. Often, the parents will arrive at a general consensus, but each is free to parent as he or she sees fit during his or her time with the children. And that, we think, is a model worth embracing, especially because the research has shown that: Moms tend to "take over" parenting and push dads out of the way Father involvement is crucially important to the healthy development of children, particularly boys Learning to co-parent effectively can make your life easier, and improve your son's overall well-being. Our special guest this episode is Brandie Weikle, editor and publisher of The New Family and host of The New Family podcast. Brandie is also a divorced mom of two boys. Brandie Weikle   In this episode, Jen, Janet & Brandie discuss: What married parents can learn from divorced & single parents Warren Farrell's four "must-dos" for divorced parents (& how married parents can adapt them to improve their-parenting relationship) The challenges of co-parenting How co-parenting benefits kids -- and parents Tips for effective shared parenting Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 122: Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? - BuildingBoys post about how Jen discovered the value of co-parenting The New Family -- Brandie Weikle's website. Includes links to the New Family podcast. How to Co-Parent Well Through Separation, Divorce & Beyond -- webinar featuring Brandie & family mediator Rosanna Breitman Episode 115: The Boy Crisis with Warren Farrell An Open Letter to Drake About Co-Parenting - New Family post by Brandie Weikle and Heather FeldsteinOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Anna Mayer via Flickr If you have more than one child, you have sibling stress. Bickering! Fighting! Maybe even bullying. Seeing -- and hearing -- our children torment each other is major source of stress and family conflict. We wonder, Have I failed? Are my children doomed to become jerks? Will they EVER get along? Should I intervene? Or let them work it out on their own?  Jen and Janet are here to tell you that sibling stress is NORMAL. Your kids' arguing and bickering does not mean that they hate one another -- though it can certainly seem that way in the moment. But the reality is that sibling fights help children discover and learn limits, empathy and social behavior. Between brothers, fights can even promote bonding. You don't have to stand idly by, though, while your children scream, shout and throw things at one another. If someone is in immediate emotional or physical danger, intervene ASAP. And during periods of calm, there's a lot you can do to encourage healthy sibling relationships. You can: Explicitly discuss the importance of siblings Outline your expectations, i.e., You must always ask before touching or using anything that belongs to your sibling Avoid unnecessary meddling Teach negotiation and compromise Limit the amount of "stuff" in your home (the more material possessions kids have, the more they fight) In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why moms, in particular, struggle with sibling fights How sibling relationships change over the years (Yes, there is hope!) Red-flag behavior (or, how to tell when you have to intervene) How parents can encourage healthy sibling relationships What to do about name-calling "Family hate" Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 121: Fight! -- classic BuildingBoys blog post (includes a super-cute picture of Jen's two oldest boys when they were much younger) Help! My Son Hates His Siblings! -- Micro-course led by Janet. Work at your own pace in this self contained course. Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys' Bickering - BuildingBoys post Do Your Boys Bicker? -- YouTube video featuring JenOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The shower at Jen's house Have a boy who hates to shower? You are not alone! When a mom recently asked the Building Boys Facebook group, "Anyone else have a teenage boy who hates to shower?" she was quickly inundated with support and sympathy. Personal hygiene, it seems, is not a priority for most tween and teen boys. Lots of moms said they're dealing with the exact same issue. Others said that their boys spend a lot of time in the shower, but come out with unwashed, still-dirty hair. Is this lack of interest in appearance and, um, smell, merely a stage that will resolve without intervention? Or should parents and teachers take a more active role in teaching and reinforcing hygiene habits? Turns out, the best approach is actually a combination of those two strategies. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: WHY some boys seems oblivious to their own stench The essential role of 5th grade teachers in the hygiene battle How colored liquid soap can help boys shower effectively "Man soap" vs. "girly soap" Axe bombs (Don't know what that is? Listen in at 12:41!) When -- and how -- to have the hygiene talk When boys should start using deodorant - & how to make sure your boys use it regularly (Listen carefully for Jen's pro tips!) The role of role-modeling in personal hygiene How to get the stench out of your boys' gym clothes and sports uniforms Tooth brushing (Spoiler: Instill good tooth brushing habits when you boys are young!) Hair care How to combine male bonding and hygiene rituals (not as weird as it sounds!) BEING NEUTRAL! Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 120: Boying Up: How to be Brave, Bold and Brilliant. by Mayim Bialik -- A great book to leave laying around the house. Includes detailed hygiene instructions for boys. Parenting Teen Boys Is... -- BuildingBoys post by Jen. Includes this pic: Why Do Teenagers Smell Bad? Study Suggests They May Be Unable to Detect Own Scent -- report of Danish researchOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kids want the skill set to empower them to make the right choices. -- Mike Domitrz, founder of The Date Safe Project & father of 4 boys Talking to boys about consent is a must. It's also incredibly challenging and a bit intimidating. Let's face it: if adults were consistently good at consent, there wouldn't be a constant slew of headlines alleging sexual assault and misconduct. The good news about the #MeToo movement is that it's moved the issue of consent into the national conversation. Increasingly, parents and educators are realizing that talking about the mechanics of sex is not enough; we have to talk about the messy realities of relationships. We need to teach our children how to treat others with respect, and how to set and maintain boundaries. We need to equip them with the skills to navigate a culture that's rife with stereotypes and sexual imagery. Mike Domitrz has been working in this space for years. As the founder The Date Safe Project, Mike regularly talks to school children, college students, the military and parents about safe, healthy relationships.   In a world where people are constantly being told “What Not To Do,” The DATE SAFE Project believes the best approach is to give people positive how-to skills and helpful insights for addressing verbal consent (asking first), respecting boundaries, sexual decision-making, bystander intervention, and supporting survivors (opening the door for family and friends). In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mike discuss:  How dating today is different -- and similar -- to "back in the day" (Spoiler: It's 95% similar!) How parents inadvertently cause kids to mistrust their advice -- & how you can build connection instead Porn (Heads up: There's no way to avoid porn in today's culture, so it's your job to equip your son with information and values he can use to process what he may see.) How to make sure you -- not your boys' friends -- are their primary, most-valued source of information regarding sexuality and relationships Why you should blow up a condom when discussing safe sex and contraception (Really!) Specific language you can teach your boys so they can say no (or yes) to sexual activity Whether or not to discuss your teenage sexual experiences with your kids Helping boys understand the #MeToo movement How to use TV, current events & music to discuss consent and relationships with your boys Teenage slang for sex (Do you know what "smash" means?) Why you always, always need to ask first  Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 119: Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang The Date Safe Project -- Mike's website. Includes links to lots of resources, and info about how you can hire him to come talk to your school or community. Talking to Boys About Sexually Aggressive Girls -- 2014 BuildingBoys post. Includes tips boys can use to say "no." Episode 105: Masculinity in the Age of #MeToo Katy Perry, Benjamin Glaze, American Idol and the Unwanted Kiss -- Mike breaks down exactly why what happened was so wrong Special Offer for On Boys subscribers: FREE 48 hour access to Mike's video, "Help! My Teen is Dating." Click DSPbonus.com to access the video.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Sam Fink, age 12 Boys can learn a lot by starting and running a business. Jen's youngest son, Sam, bought his older brother's lawn business two years ago, when the older brother moved to Tennessee (where he has since started another lawn care service). At age 12, Sam has a roster of 18 clients. He cuts and trims lawns and performs most of the necessary maintenance on his machines. In this very special episode, Sam shares the story of his business, as well as some tips for would-be entrepreneurs and their parents. This episode is a great one to share with your boys! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Sam discuss: The value of paid employment How parents can encourage and support boys who are interested in starting a business How to manage risk The entrepreneurial mindset Money management Balancing school, work, and sports Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 118: Sam's Lawn Service on Instagram Episode 117: Summer Jobs Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Austin Kirk via Flickr Does your son have a summer job? Most boys don't. In 1978, 60% of teens had summer jobs; today, that number hovers between 35 and 40%. Boys today are more likely to spend their days playing sports, brushing up on academics and traveling with family or as part of mission teams. (And playing Fortnite.) Years ago, getting a job was an expected rite of passage for teens. In today's hyper-competitive world, more and more parents focus time, attention and energy on "enrichment" activities designed to help children become attractive college applicants. But summer jobs are a great way to help boys confront RISK and develop RESPONSIBILITY, RESPECT and REVENUE. Thanks to a tight labor market in many parts of the country, there are still plenty of jobs available for teens and tweens. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss how to support your son's entry into the world of work. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Their first jobs The unique benefits of paid employment, including feedback from others Great, high-paying jobs for tweens and teens How parents can help their boys turn unique interests & passions into a paying job Coming NEXT WEEK: We talk to 12-year-old Sam about his lawn care business. Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 117: What Your Teens Learn When They Get a Summer Job - blog post by The Money Couple, Scott & Bethany Palmer Teens Should Have Summer Jobs - The Less Glamorous, The Better -- Quartz article 7 High-Paying Summer Jobs for Teens - Forbes article On Boys Episode 116: Why Risk is Important for Boys Gangnam Style, Lifeguards & Work Ethics - 2012 BuildingBoys post (Excerpt: "Our kids need to understand that employee handbooks still apply in the Age of the Internet.") Orienting Your Boy's Priorities During His Teenage Years -  2018 Building Boys post (Spoiler: "A Job" is on the list) And, as always, enjoy the uncut version of Janet and Jen - sometimes trying to figure out what to say - here on Youtube.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How comfortable are you with risk? Do you respond with fear or encouragement when your son wants to try something new? How about when you find him climbing atop your tree house? Or doing flips off a public staircase? Adults' desire to keep boys safe often interferes with boys' ability to take chances and try new things. But "protecting" boys from risky activity can actually cause harm. Boys (and girls) need to try scary, challenging things that are just beyond their current skill set in order to grow and thrive. When we eliminate risk from our children's lives, we hamper their emotional and physical development. It's not easy to confront our own fears and societal pressure in order to give our boys ample opportunities to experiment and explore. But that's exactly what our boys need. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys need risk Societal challenges that make it harder than ever for boys to find & face risk Boys' ability to manage risk How risk fuels confidence & competence What parents, grandparents & teacher can do to encourage kids to step out of their comfort zones Why it's especially important for Moms to take risks The link between curiosity and risk-taking 5 tips to encourage healthy risk-taking: Reject arbitrary rules & limits Follow his lead Adjust your focus It's OK to look away Let him see you trying new things How risk can make life more fun Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 116: My Horrible Mom Moment -- 2009 blog post by Jen, telling the story of her youngest son's bike crash Youngest Son Sets Ambitious Goal and Ends Up With Lollipop - A reframing of the above story Let Them Take Risks -- US News article by Jen, inspired by her then 14-year-old son when he said, "I wish I lived back in Dad's childhood." The Walk -- 2015 film about tightrope walker Philippe Petit's walk between the Twin Towers Freerangekids.com -- Lenore Skenzay's website, all about empowering kids The Good News About Bad Behavior – Katherine Reynolds Lewis’ book. Includes study that says exposure to risk at young ages decreases phobias. Summer Safety: Preventing Injuries -- BuildingBoys blog post by Jen You can watch the uncut version of this podcast episode on Youtube.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Your son is not the only one struggling. According to Dr. Warren Farrell -- and a slew of research -- boys in 63 of the largest developed nations are faring worse than girls. They're doing worse academically. They're falling behind in the workplace. And their physical and mental health is failing as well. In his new book, The Boy Crisis: Why Our Boys Are Struggling and What We Can Do About It, Farrell (and his co-author, John Gray) examine the many factors contributing to the boy crisis. They also point toward possible solutions. Solving the boy crisis will take a lot of effort on the part of parents, teachers and politicians, but it's a cause that's well worth our attention, because when our boys suffer, society suffers. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Warren discuss: How (and why) father absence hurts boys & society How moms (married or single) can encourage & support father involvement Why so many boys suffer a "purpose void" The importance of postponed gratification The link between recess, vocational education and the boy crisis How to find male mentors for your son The 4 "must-do's" for divorced parents of boys How dad deprivation may contribute to social violence -- including school shootings Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 115: boycrisis.org -- Dr. Farrell's website, jam-packed with info about the book and lots of links to other resources & organizations (including BuildingBoys & Boys Alive!) Coalition to Create a White House Council on Boys & Men -- multi-partisan effort working to create, well, a White House Council on Boys & Men, to research and implement initiatives to support the well-being of males, in the same way the White House Council on Women & Girls has since its establishment in 2009. Are Single Parents Bad for Boys? -- BuildingBoys post by Jen (Spoiler alert: The short answer is "not necessarily.") Is Shared Parenting Best for Boys After Divorce? -- personal blog post by Jen The Boy Crisis is Real - BuildingBoys' review of the book And, just for fun, watch the uncut version on Youtube!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Matthew Ingram via Flickr 'Tis the season for sleepaway camp and summer sleepovers! For some parents and kids, though, the prospect of a night away from home is scary. There are so many ‘what-if’s' that could happen: what if they’re cold? what if they get homesick? what if...what if...what if... But what if you let your kid go anyway? What if you work together to tackle any fear and uncertainty, and give your son the opportunity to test his skills and stamina? Time away from home is an opportunity for boys to: Discover new parts of themselves Build their resilience & self-esteem Be in charge of their own growth Learn how to struggle, suffer and navigate feelings of boredom Connect and collaborate with others Sleepovers and sleepaway camp are a great opportunity for parental growth and development too. When you send your son away (temporarily!), you learn to.. Let go. Trust your kids Allow other adults to mentor and influence your child. Still nervous? Listen to the podcast. :) In this episode, Jen & Janet dig in and discuss: The right age for sleepovers and slumber parties How to deal with separation anxiety Why time apart is good for parents and kids How to create sleepaway experiences on a budget Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 114: Homesick & Happy: How Time Away From Parents Can Help a Child Grow, by Michael Thompson Kidsickness: Help for First Time Parents from the Sunshine Parenting blog Homesickness Do's and Don'ts from the Sunshine Parenting blog To SEE Janet and Jen discussing their own summer adventures AND the benefits of letting your kids go... see us on youtube ... uncut! What have your experiences been with sleep-aways? Comment below!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Welcome to Part 2 of our first Listener Q & A! This week, Jen & Janet tackle 3 more questions: "What strategies do you use to deal with a sudden increase in lying in pre-teen boys?" "What's the best way to allow young boys to be adventurous/risky physically while maintaining a clear, safe boundary and being a responsible parent?" "How do you talk about the needs of boys and the help they need without sounding dismissive of girls or anti-feminist? For example, as the mother of a boy, I'm not entirely sure I agree with making scouting gender-neutral. I think boys benefit from boys-only time. But how do I make that point without sounding sexist or anti-progressive?" Have we mentioned that you ask GREAT questions? In this episode, Jen & Janet dig in and discuss: Why tweens are likely to lie (Hint: the tween -- & teen -- years are all about separating from your parents). How your response to your son's lies will influence his future behavior (Not-so-fun fact: If you consistently come down hard on your kids, they're more likely to lie.) When -- and which -- consequences are appropriate for boys caught in a lie? The role of risk in boys' development. How parental hovering can interfere with boys' development -- and inadvertently increase the risk of injury or inactivity. Why moms and female teachers may be boys' most effective advocates! How to advocate for boys without sounding sexist or anti-progressive. Jen & Janet have a lot of fun recording these podcasts -- as you can see in this fully uncut Youtube video. (Go to 3:30 if you want to see Jen & Janet crack up over a poop joke.) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 113: Episode 112: Potty Talk, Vaping & School (Listener Q & A, Part 1)  "I Didn't Do It!" -- Jen's Scholastic Parent & Child article about why kids lie and how to foster truthfulness Let Them Take Risks -  U.S. News article inspired by Jen's 14 -year-old son Encouraging Your Son to Take Healthy Risks -- article by Jen For Our Boys - BuildingBoys' call for moms to advocate for boys Got a question you’d like us to answer in a future episode? Leave it in the comments below.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

When we put out a call for listener questions, you sent us some doozies! In this, our first-ever Listener Q & A (Part 1), we tackle three of your questions: "I just finished listening to the podcast episode with Amy Lang. I know she says we should begin talking to boys about bodies at 5 but wonder if this still applies to boys who are always using potty words and have horrible filters? My son unfortunately goes to school and talks to his friends about poop and butts." "At what age is 'experimenting' with vaping developmentally acceptable and when is it a red flag?" "When do you need to back the school and their approach and when do you challenge it?" We also laugh A LOT. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Potty talk (young boys LOVE talking about poop & butts & pee) Fecal transplants (trust us: it was related to the topic at hand!) Vaping  -- and what to do if you discover your son has been experimenting School conflicts -- when to back the school, and when to back your boy (and how to effectively do both) Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 112: Everybody Poops, by Taro Gomi Fecal Transplantation, by Johns Hopkins Medicine Episode 110: Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang Boys, Porn & Masturbation - great info from Amy Lang E-Cigarettes -- information on vaping from the Nemours Foundation, a credible, reliable source of health information Episode 101: Homework and Boys Enjoy our zany recording day in the fully uncut version on Youtube - you'll hear both part 1 and 2. Got a question you'd like us to answer in a future episode? Leave it in the comments below.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by ASDA NRCS Montana According to the Oxford Living Dictionaries, self-esteem is "confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect." That's something we want for our kids. We're not talking about participation trophies simply for showing up; we're talking about a true sense of pride that comes for knowledge of your capabilities. Nurturing that kind of self-confidence is a crucial part of helping boys grow into healthy men. But how do we do that? It's not as hard as we adults often think. In this episode, Jen shares some "little things" that actually turned out to be big things, including her youngest son's base-crawling adventure at a local 4th of July celebration, and her oldest son's dandelion sale, which sparked a lifelong interest in entrepreneurism. The key, Janet says, is to start early, and give boys multiple opportunities to contribute in a meaningful manner. And boys give us plenty of clues as to how we can help them. As the proverb says, "It is easiest to ride a horse in the direction that it is already going." The best part is that building boys' self-esteem is a win-win-win situation: Boys develop a strong sense of self-worth; develop skills they can use to help their families, schools and communities; and gain the experience and skills they need to care for themselves and others in adulthood. BTW, Jen talks with her hands A LOT. Check out the uncut, video version of this episode at  https://youtu.be/pl8euUNcz5E.  In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How "little things" are actually important opportunities to build -- or squelch -- boys' self-esteem The link between responsibility & self-esteem Boys' drive to contribute to their families, schools and communities The role of failure in developing self-esteem (and how you can help boys productively handle failure) The link between risk & self-esteem -- and why it's so important to let our boys try things beyond their current capability How to preserve boys' self-esteem in school The right (and wrong) way to praise Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 111: Why Boys Do What They Do -- Jen's blog post about her son's adventure crawling around the bases 5 Ways to Boost Your Child's Self-Confidence  -- Motherlist post by Vicki Little Let Them Take Risks -- U.S. News article by Jen Let Him Fail - blog post by Janet Creating High Self-Esteem in Your Boys - BuildingBoys blog postOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Amy Lang is a sex educator -- and the mom of a teenage boy who is utterly mortified by his mom's career. If anyone understands just how awkward talking about sex with your son can be -- and how important it is to push through despite your the discomfort -- it's Amy.   Amy is the creator of Birds + Bees + Kids, a fantastic resource for parents, childcare providers and educators. She speaks frequently about sex education and has written two books about sexuality and dating. She's down to earth and a whole lot of fun. We laughed a lot while recording this episode! In this episode, Jen, Janet & Amy discuss: When to have “The Talk” with your son How to initiate the conversation – and what to say Why you gotta explain oral and anal sex How to convey sexual values and talk about consent Links we mentioned (or should have) in Episode 110: http://birdsandbeesandkids.com/  -- Amy’s website It’s Not the Stork: A Book about Girls, Boys, Babies, Bodies, Families and Friends, by Robie H. Harris Birds + Bees + YOUR Kids: A Guide to Sharing Your Beliefs about Sexuality, Love and Relationships, by Amy Lang Tea Consent – YouTube video using a cup of tea as an analogy to help you and your boys understand consent My Unfortunate Erection – song from The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee https://buildingboys.net/health/sex/ -- Jen’s series of informational blog posts ======================================================================= And YES, you can watch the UNCUT version of our conversation on YouTube!  Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Craig Marren via Flickr  Is Gun Play Really Okay? A generation ago, gun play was an acceptable part of childhood. Parents gave their kids toy guns as gifts -- yes, even Red Ryder BB guns! (and yes, that's A Christmas Story reference) -- and boys regularly played Cops and Robbers and War both at school and in the neighborhood. Today, we're a little more leery of gun play. And no wonder. Mass shootings seem to happen with alarming regularity, and without exception, the shooters so far have been male. No one wants their son to grow up to be the next school shooter. No one wants their son to kill another human being in anger. So, yeah -- we're understandably nervous when our boys nibble their toast into a gun shape and say, "bang!" But what's the best way to respond to boys' fascination with guns and weapons? Note ~ Girls play with guns, too.  This is my friend's daughter playing at the beach with some conveniently shaped sticks just recently: In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys are so attracted to gun play The benefits of gun play (Yes -- there ARE benefits!) The risks of gun play, especially for African-American boys (12 year old Tamir Rice was playing with a toy gun when he was shot by police.) Common sense guidelines for gun play How teachers and childcare professionals can uphold school rules that ban pretend violence without shaming boys Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 111: Gun Play -- American Journal of Play article by professor emeritus Jay Mechling Voices on Gun Play - round-up of parents' thoughts, feelings and concerns regarding gun play, by Janet Is Gun Play OK? -- article by Jen Weapons Play is OK -- blog post by Jen (apparently answering the question she posed in the above article!) When it Comes to Toy Guns, Little Black Boys Don't Have the Luxury of Play -- BoysAlive! post by Karlie Johnson Common Sense Guidelines for Gun Play -- blog post by Jen Guidelines for Gun Play -- blog post by Janet Gun Play at School: What's a Teacher to Do? - blog post by Janet ============================== Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ==============================Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Isengardt via Flickr Why do boys spend so many hours playing videogames?  And how worried should we be about the hours they spend gaming? To get some answers, we turned to a true expert: Greg Wondra, a former boy & current parent who also happens to be video game designer who worked on the MLB 2K series, Wizard 101, Lost Planet 3, and Monkeyquest, Greg Wondra, video game designer & dad In this episode, Jen, Janet & Greg discuss: Why boys are so attracted to video games How to help boys balance video games and other activities Red flags that might signal a problem with gaming What you need to know about social games and online gaming (such as Fortnite) How video games help boys develop 21st century job skills How games are designed to "suck you in" -- & how you can counter their call Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 108: How the War on Video Games is Hurting Your Son, by Jennifer L.W. Fink Are Video Games Bad for Boys? (YouTube video featuring Greg Wondra) Gamasutra.com -- gaming industry website What’s your experience with boys & video games?  Share in the comments below…Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Ryan Quick via Flickr Can your video game-loving boy turn his passion into a career? Perhaps, says our special guest, Greg Wondra. Greg is a veteran game designer who worked on the MLB 2K series, Wizard 101, Lost Planet 3, and Monkeyquest, and currently teaches video game design to high school students at Kern County Regional Occupational Center in California.   Greg directing a motion capture session with Derek Jeter for the MLB 2K baseball game.     Jen & Greg. Notice some resemblance? (They're brother & sister!) In this episode, Jen, Janet & Greg discuss: Why video games aren't a waste of time How a "grand curiosity" can lead to a lucrative career Viable career opportunities for gamers The educational background necessary to work in the gaming industry Low-cost ways to nurture boys' interest in game design Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 107: USC Games Program Entertainment Arts & Engineering at the University of Utah Intro to Game Design -- Greg's Udemy course Unreal Engine 4: Create an Arcade Classic -- another Udemy course by GregOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Paul Inkles via Flickr How many hours per week do your boys spend in front of a screen? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, children ages 6-10 now spend 6 hours per day using screens as entertainment. That figure doesn't count time spent learning via screens at school, or videochatting with grandma and grandpa. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Expert recommendations for screen time vs. reality Whether or not screen addiction is a "thing" Signs that your son might be spending too much time with screens How to help boys establish a balance between screentime and other activities The upside of screens Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 106: Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction is Hijacking Our Kids - And How to Break the Trance  -- book by Nicholas Kardaras, PhD Family Media Use Plan – interactive tool from the American Academy of Pediatrics Screenwise: Helping Kids Thrive (& Survive) In Their Digital World – book by Devorah Heitner Is Screen Time Really All That Bad? – blog post by Jennifer L.W. Fink The Link Between Freedom & Video Games – blog post by Jennifer L.W. Fink Moral Combat: Why the War of Violent Video Games is Wrong -- book by Patrick Markey and Christopher FergusonOur Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Independentman via Flickr What is masculinity? It's a question that's not easy to answer. But it's an important one for parents and educators of boys to tackle because the primary question for all boys, is "What is it to be a man?" In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: So-called "toxic masculinity" & the idea that boys are "broken" Healthy masculinity Changing expectations of boys and men How to help boys wrestle with dueling definitions of masculinity Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 105 Teenage Brothers on Sex, Social Media, and What Their Parents Don’t Understand, part of The Cut's series, How to Raise a Boy Michael Kimmel and Lisa Wade Discuss Toxic Masculinity The Boys Are Not All Right, by Michael Ian Black #DownWithManUp & #YesAll, by Jennifer L.W. Fink Joe Ehrmann on “Be a Man” (TEDx talk) The Art of Manliness (podcast) What does masculinity mean to you? How do you help boys wrestle with the concept of masculinity? Leave a comment below.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Stewart Baird via Flickr "By age 9, the default emotion for most boys is anger." -- Michael Gurian It's easy to feel overwhelmed and helpless in the face of a boy's anger, whether you've got a toddler throwing a temper tantrum or a teenager on a rampage. But learning to respond to boys' anger with love and patience is one of the best gifts we can give to our guys. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: How the "boy code" subtly encourages anger The biology of anger Techniques parents & teachers can use to manage boys' angry outburts The link between anger, aggression and violence (SPOILER ALERT: anger doesn't inevitably lead to violence) Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 104: Masterminds and Wingmen: Helping Our Boys Cope with Schoolyard Power, Locker Room Tests, Girlfriends, and the New Rules of Boy World, by Rosalind Wiseman Boy Talk: How You Can Help Your Son Express His Emotions by Mary Polce-Lynch Tips on Dealing with Anger -- From a 7-Year-Old Boy by Jennifer LW Fink He Is So Angry! by Janet Allison Teenage Angst, or Something More Serious? by Jennifer LW Fink SPECIAL NOTE: CLICK HERE for free access to Janet's 75-minute audio file - Learning Lab: Boys and Anger with a bonus pdf on "The Boy Code and Anger." Because you asked...you can WATCH the uncut version of this podcast on YouTube.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by woodleywonderworks via Flickr Sports are a HUGE part of boy world -- and that's a problem for boys who aren't interested in or don't particularly enjoy athletics. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why it's so important for parents to separate their athletic ambitions from their sons' How families can resist social pressure to sign up for sports Alternative ways to encourage activity, build teamwork and socialize How to identify and support your sons' true interests Strategies parents and teachers can use to make recess and PE class more tolerable for (and inclusive of!) non-athletic kids Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 103: The Last Boys Picked: Helping Boys Who Don't Play Sports Survive Bullies and Boyhood, by Janet Sasson Edgette Helping "The Last Boys Picked" Survive in Sports-Obsessed Schools by Janet Sasson Edgette Signs at School of Troubled Non-Athletic Boys by Jennifer LW Fink Being a Non-Sporty Boy in a Sports-Driven Culture by Janet Sasson Edgette ======================= Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ======================= What's your experience?  Share in the comments below...Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Runar Pederson Hokestad via Flickr Sam had high hopes for this 12th birthday. But things didn’t go as planned. Instead of a day of adventure and independence, Sam’s had an encounter with a cop and learned he must wait another four years to ride his ATV independently on the trails. Dealing with disappointments is a key life skill. In this episode, Jen and Janet discuss how the “man box” stifles boys’ emotional expression and share strategies parents and teachers can use to help boys cope with disappointments big and small. Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 102: Teach Your Boys To Comfort Others in a Crisis by Kim Hamer How Do I Cope with Grief? by Eric Alper Tapping Into Grief with Self-Empathy by Carole Downing Helping Boys Develop Emotional Intelligence by Ian Thomas Encouraging Emotional Intelligence in Boys by Jennifer LW Fink Your Son’s Ability to Tolerate Frustration and Rejection is More Important Than You Know by Jennifer LW Fink Parenting Through Disappointment, Loss and Grief by Carole Downing ========================= Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube. ========================= How have you helped your boys navigate disappointment, loss, and grief? Please share in the comments below.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Photo by Lars Plougmann via Flickr Few things cause boys (and their families) as much stress as HOMEWORK. In many cases, homework battles turn into outright power struggles -- with no winners. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: Why boys struggle with homework The impact of homework on boys' academic achievement What to do about "meaningless" homework How a "too cool for school" attitude can interfere with learning Why arguing about homework might not be the best use of your time and energy Links we mentioned (and more!) in Episode 101 How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 1 By Jennifer LW Fink How to Get Boys to Do Homework, Part 2 By Jennifer LW Fink Homework Tip #3: Let Your Kids Figure Out When & Where to Work by Jennifer LW Fink Homework at My House by Jennifer LW Fink Homework Solutions in the Age of Distraction by Devorah Heitner, Phd ==================== Watch the UNCUT version on Youtube here. ==================== What great solutions have you found that work with your boys?  Please share!Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

What do you get when you combine a former educator/family coach with a writer/mom of 4 boys? A podcast that's all about parenting, teaching and reaching tomorrow's men! In this episode, you'll meet your co-hosts, Janet Allison and Jennifer L.W. Fink. Learn how they connected -- and why they believe it's so important for parents and teachers of boys to learn about the Boy Code.   Jen (left) & Janet (right) Links we mentioned (or should have!) in Episode 100: BoysAlive! (Janet's website) and consider joining the Boys Alive! Facebook group, too! BuildingBoys (Jen's website) and consider joining the Building Boys Facebook group, too! ======================== Oh goodness, watch the UNCUT version on Youtube! ======================== Got a question, challenge or concern you'd like Janet & Jen to tackle on a future episode of On Boys?  Please share in the comments below.Our Sponsors:* Check out Factor: http://factor75.com* Check out Factor: http://factor75.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy