In this episode of "The Relationship Maze" podcast, Tom and Angela delve into the complex topic of arguments and conflict in relationships. They discuss the inevitability of disagreements between partners and emphasize the importance of understanding and effectively managing arguments. The hosts provide valuable insights into the different types of arguments and the underlying issues that may lead to conflicts in relationships. They address the significance of recognizing one's conflict style and offer practical tips for handling arguments in a constructive manner. Additionally, they highlight the potential for deeper connection and personal growth that can arise from navigating conflicts with openness and understanding. Tune in to gain valuable insights into how to navigate arguments and conflicts in relationships and discover strategies for fostering healthier and more fulfilling connections with your partner.00:00 Conflicts in relationships are inevitable due to differences.05:11 Peeling away layers to reveal deeper issues.08:09 Relationship issues stem from childhood learned behaviors.11:31 Recognizing stonewalling to improve relationship patterns.15:31 Identify patterns and intentions in partner behavior.18:34 Consider tone to avoid sounding blaming. Create understanding.20:53 Conflict can deepen connection in relationships.23:39 Openness in discussing change is crucial.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast! Today, we're diving into the 10 most annoying habits that partners have, and exploring what it means for your relationship. Tom and Angela discuss common grievances that can become major frustrations and provide insights on how to address these annoyances and create a more harmonious relationship. Stay tuned to learn how to navigate through these common relationship pitfalls and improve your connection with your partner.00:00 Dealing with annoying partner habits for better relationship.03:36 Engage in active listening for effective communication.08:22 Overcoming challenges in perception, noise, and therapy.12:15 Celebrate small tasks to associate good feelings.13:46 Household task imbalance causes relationship dynamic shift.16:50 Limit phone use in important situations.22:23 Controversial BBC show teaches dog training for husbands.24:30 Visit relationshipmaze.com for relationship improvement tips.Life's 3 Things - Author Manny Garcia's Podcast5-minute happiness advice, translated from history's greatest books and wisest sages.Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast where we delve into the complexities of human relationships. In today's episode hosts Tom and Angela explore the intriguing characters and family dynamics in the popular series "Succession." They delve into the complexities of the relationships depicted in the show and draw parallels to real-life experiences. From the desperate need for parental love to the impact of childhood attachment styles on adult behavior, the hosts dissect how the characters' personalities and struggles reflect relatable human experiences. Join us as we unravel the intricacies of the characters and their relationships, offering valuable insights into our own relational behaviors. And if you're interested in understanding and improving your own relationships, head over to our website  therelationshipmaze.com for free resources and our online conflict style quiz. Tune in as we navigate the intriguing world of "Succession" and discover how it relates to our own lives.00:00 Estranged family dynamics in media mogul's empire.05:23 Logan Roy gives breadcrumbs of love.08:08 Eldest of three siblings with addiction problems.10:47 Many UK founders quickly form intense relationships.13:18 Clients struggle with abusive relationships due to self-image.17:31 Shiv is manipulative and toxic in marriage.21:31 Covering unhappiness with fantasy, it's engaging.24:24 Explore family dynamics through constellation shifting therapy.

In this episode of The Relationship Maze, Tom and Angela delve into the topic of healing from emotional wounds. They draw parallels between the physiological process of healing a wound and the emotional healing process. They emphasize the importance of awareness and understanding the cause of emotional wounds as the first step in the healing journey. They also discuss different therapeutic perspectives and methods for processing and healing emotional wounds. Throughout the conversation, they stress the significance of seeking help and acknowledge that healing takes time while highlighting the resilience and flexibility of the human mind and body. Tune in to discover valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the path to emotional healing.00:00 Unconscious childhood experiences impact emotions and healing.04:13 Our body has amazing capacity to heal.08:26 Final stage: wound healing, physical and emotional.10:00 Pain brings uniqueness, meaning, and strength over time.13:12 Physical trauma can lead to delayed awareness.17:09 Grieving for childhood losses is an important phase.21:11 Therapeutic techniques involve present perspective and dialogue.24:30 Seeking help is important for healing.25:51 "Improve relationships, mental health, take quiz, subscribe."

In this episode of "The Relationship Maze," hosts Tom and Angela delve into the topic of setbacks. They explore the different types of setbacks, how they affect us emotionally, and the importance of learning from them. By sharing personal experiences and examples, they discuss the impact of setbacks on various aspects of life, including relationships and career pursuits. They also offer valuable insights on handling setbacks, reframing them as opportunities for self-reflection and growth. The hosts emphasize the need to find realistic and achievable goals within our control while dealing with setbacks. Join Tom and Angela as they explore the dynamics of setbacks and provide practical tips for navigating through life's challenges.00:00 Strategies for overcoming setbacks in life discussed.05:37 Allow yourself time to process emotions fully.08:46 Stoicism can help, but analysis is crucial.10:07 Accepting challenges and taking personal responsibility.15:33 Questioning purpose but determined to complete studies.16:25 Recovering from setbacks and nurturing self-care.19:25 Perspective on failure: only feedback, empowering.22:47 Systemic thinking relevant in relationships and setbacks.25:38 Set outcome based on own actions for success.

In this episode of "The Relationship Maze," Tom and Angela delve into the complexities of Christmas celebrations and the strains it can place on our relationships. From managing family dynamics to handling the chaos of parenting during the festive season, they discuss the various stressors that can lead to arguments and disagreements. The hosts share insightful tips on how to navigate these challenges, including setting boundaries, communicating effectively, and finding time for self-care. Join them as they offer practical advice and share personal experiences to help you have a more enjoyable and fulfilling Christmas, free from unnecessary conflict. Stay tuned for an episode filled with valuable insights and strategies for a harmonious holiday season.00:00 How to avoid Christmas arguments and stress.05:24 Childhood magic of Christmas lingers in memories.07:26 Upbringing led to holiday stress and pressure.10:58 Set spending limits to prevent gift disappointments.14:19 Identify triggers, think about stress factors in advance.20:11 Approach teamwork in handling challenging family situations.20:47 Finding positive narratives can help shift perspective.24:26 Parenting stress during holidays with young children.Lord Of SporeMagic Mushroom Spores

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, where we navigate the complexities of human connection. In today's episode, titled "Being honest in relationship," hosts Tom and Angela delve into the vital role of honesty and open communication in fostering healthy and authentic relationships. They discuss the implications of setting clear boundaries, the potential consequences of withholding information, and the importance of expressing true feelings and experiences to a partner. Tune in as they provide valuable insights on navigating the delicate balance of honesty in different stages of a relationship, and the impact it has on self-awareness and understanding. Join us as we explore the intricacies of being honest in relationships and gain valuable perspectives to navigate the relationship maze.00:00 Importance of honesty in relationships and resources.05:26 Interviewers seek to turn weaknesses into strengths.08:17 Reevaluate feelings, consider expressing, or change mindset.10:56 Negotiating expressions of feelings within a relationship.13:40 Anxious partners need to manage their insecurity.16:43 Promote honesty and openness in relationships.20:56 Early relationship dynamics can lead to deception.24:05 Share relevant things with your partner effectively.27:33 Clear boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast that helps you navigate the twists and turns of love and connection. In today's episode, "Expressing Emotions," hosts Tom and Angela delve into the intricacies of communicating feelings in relationships. Do you frequently express anger but struggle with letting your partner know that you love them? Or do you struggle to let your partner know that you are frustrated for fear of losing them?We discuss the challenges of managing emotions in the heat of the moment, the importance of understanding and reflecting on strong emotional reactions, and the need for safe expression. From the impact of childhood experiences to societal messages on relationship expectations, we explore the complexities of emotional expression in relationships. Join us as we unpack the nuances of love, anger, and the powerful impact of verbalizing emotions in adult relationships. Whether you're navigating the joy of love or the turbulence of negative emotions, this episode will provide insights and strategies for safe, effective emotional expression. So sit back, relax, and let's navigate the maze of expressing emotions in relationships.00:00 Exploring ways to express emotions in relationships.06:02 Adult relationships require verbal clarifications and reciprocity.08:08 Fear of expression and societal expectations discussed.09:51 Suppressing anger leads to emotional suppression in adulthood.14:36 Unaware replication of hurtful family behaviors continues.18:51 Learning to identify and understand nuanced feelings.21:42 Healthy love needs balance and understanding.25:35 Reflect on emotions, repair, and understand triggers.27:13 Expressing emotions can strengthen a relationship.

Welcome to today's episode of The Relationship Maze, where we delve into the intriguing concept of the shadow. Join Tom and Angela as they explore how our hidden, repressed aspects known as the shadow can impact our relationships. Drawing from the teachings of Carl Jung, they discuss how the persona we present to the world hides our shadow, which holds guilt, feelings of inferiority, and even dark desires. Discover how the shadow can manifest in your own relationship dynamics and learn techniques to uncover and integrate these hidden parts of yourself. Tune in and navigate the complexities of the shadow in today's episode.01:26 Persona hides shadow; both define us.03:51 Suppression of natural instincts can cause anger.08:52 Personal shadow, shame, repressed qualities, push down.11:14 Perception is projection, noticing our own projections.15:44 Unwanted qualities in partner reveal inner fears.18:39 "Shadow's connection to the concept of evil."20:45 Exploring shadow aspects, finding useful qualities. Compassion.23:23 Oversimplification of good and evil in media.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to another episode of The Relationship Maze! In today's episode Tom and Angela discuss the ever-popular world of dating apps and how attitudes towards them have evolved over the years. They delve into the reasons why dating apps can be both a blessing and a source of stress, as well as explore alternative ways to find fulfilling relationships. Whether you are a dating app enthusiast or feel overwhelmed by the online dating scene, this episode has insights and advice for everyone. So grab a cup of coffee, sit back, and join us in navigating the maze that is modern dating. Don't forget to visit the relationshipmaze.com for free resources and check out their online course, The Relationship Maze. Enjoy the episode!Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast. In this episode, Tom and Angela explore the importance of acknowledging different perspectives in relationships. We discuss the challenges of taking on someone else's viewpoint and the significance of being able to listen and understand your partner even if there view of the world might be entirely different to yours. In this episode we share exercises and insights from our experience in couples therapy to help you gain a deeper understanding of your partner's perspectives. Tune in for practical tips on improving communication and creating stronger connections with your significant other.00:57 Couples therapy focuses on understanding partner's perspective.05:43 Acknowledging different perspectives fosters personal growth.08:27 Recognizing others' struggles can lead to insight.09:53 Understanding communication and introspection in relationships.13:17 Couples therapy involves exercises to promote listening.19:02 Be mindful of others' reactions and triggers.20:33 Past wounds can create distrust in relationships.22:51 Emphasize empathy to improve communication dynamics.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Welcome to another episode of The Relationship Maze! In today's exploration, we delve into the  concept of interoception and its impact on our lives. Hosted by Tom and Angela, this episode explores our experiences of the world through our internal (biological) sensations and how these can affect us profoundly psychologically, often without conscious awareness. We perceive signals from our bodies that tell us something about our feeling states, our moods, our dispositions or our levels of stress. Interoception refers to our brain’s perception of our bodily state: our ability to sense and interpret what is happening internally, including our hunger levels, emotions, and bodily sensations. Why does interoception matter? Studies have shown that sensitivity to interoceptive signals in our body can determine our capacity to regulate our emotions. If we can regulate emotions better,  we struggle less with mental  health problems such as anxiety and depression.Join us as we discuss the importance of improving our interoception and how higher levels of awareness can contribute to more balance in our life and ultimately to creating more fulfilling relationships. Plus, be sure to visit our website, therelationshipmaze.com, where you will find an abundance of free resources and our online course, The Relationship Maze. Take our free argument style quiz and discover your unique approach to conflict in relationships. So, sit back, listen, and press that subscribe button to embark on another journey into the intricacies of human relationships. Let's get started![00:00:02] The importance of understanding interoception's impact.[00:05:15] Interoception: distorted awareness, usefulness, and problems.[00:09:46] Distinguishing thoughts and bodily sensations is important.[00:11:57] Interoception aids in understanding internal experiences.[00:13:52] Reacting to threats, triggers from past conditioning.[00:17:12] Awareness of sensations helps step back from emotion.[00:21:01] Unconscious tension builds throughout the day, but noticing can release it.[00:23:22] Stress management courses show mind-body connection.Smells Like HumansLike listening to funny friends discuss curious human behavior.Listen on: Apple Podcasts   Spotify

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to a new episode of The Relationship Maze, where we delve into the complexities of human relationships. In this episode, we tackle the intriguing concept of limerence. We explore the intense and obsessive feelings of extreme infatuation that can arise for some people when feelings are not reciprocated by the other person. Limerence is the feeling of having a crush on someone multiplied by 10.Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, describes the phenomenon of falling head over heels for someone in an obsessive and potentially unhealthy way.  Tenov discovered that there are two types of people when it comes to falling in love: those who do so passionately and uncontrollably, the limerents, and those who are less emotionally engaged, the remilents. Characteristics of limerence include for example intrusive thinking about the object of desire,  a constant preoccupation with the desired person, an inability to focus on anybody else as a potential love interest, an over sensibility and over interpretation as to the intentions of the desired person which  affects one’s mood, seeking proximity to the object of desire while simultaneously feeling shy and experiencing an intense fear of rejection or  having intense and soothing fantasies about reciprocal love. Join us as we look at the underlying attachment issues that manifest in the form of limerence. If you've ever experienced unrequited love, infatuation, or obsessive desires, this episode is for you.Welcome to The Relationship Maze: Limerence.[00:00:04] Limerence: Strong, one-sided infatuation [00:05:06] Chemical flooding creates obsessional thoughts of love.[00:09:04] Love and limerence: caring or obsessing?[00:12:24] Interesting perspective on seeking validation and relationships.[00:16:06] Early attachment experiences impact key patterns.[00:17:43] Magical experiences and connections that stay with us.[00:21:00] Awareness of learned self-perception, love, and acceptance.[00:23:35] Inner reflection, relationships, and positive self-perception.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast where we navigate the complexities of relationships. In today's episode, titled "Anxiety and Communication," our hosts, Tom and Angela, delve into the impact of anxiety on effective communication and the potential barriers it can create in building meaningful connections. We discuss the fears and insecurities that often prevent us from expressing our actual thoughts and emotions, exploring how the need for acceptance and the fear of rejection can hinder open and honest communication. Join us as we explore the importance of owning our own reactions and insecurities, and how this can lead to more positive and understanding interactions with others. If you're looking to build fulfilling relationships or enhance your current ones, head over to therelationshipmaze.com, where we offer an array of free resources and our online course, The Relationship Maze. Also, don't forget to take our free online conflict style quiz and discover your argument style in relationships. Get ready to untangle the complexities of anxiety and communication in relationships with Tom and Angela in this episode of The Relationship Maze.[00:00:01] Anxiety hinders communication, affecting relationships. Visit relationshipmaze.com for help.[00:03:20] Struggling with asserting myself in relationships.[00:09:14] Expressing feelings builds relationships, fosters understanding.[00:11:45] Relationship fears may affect expression and safety.[00:13:14] Sorting out our material in relationships.[00:19:12] Anxiety and hurt from perceived rejection explained.[00:22:02] Different ways of thinking about anxiety.[00:22:49] Knowing anxiety is normal, express yourself freely.

Welcome to The Relationship Maze, the podcast that explores the intricacies of navigating relationships. In today's episode your  hosts Tom and Angela discuss the appeal of the popular TV show Couples Therapy. We discuss some of the possible reasons why this show has become a global success and why it has captured the interest of younger generations. We explore the impact of personal development and social media on the popularity of watching relationships unfold on screen. Join us  as we look at the dynamics of couples therapy and how the TV show of the same name can be both informative and entertaining to watch. [00:02:36] Increased interest in personal development and therapy.[00:05:20] Well-edited highlights of therapy sessions with drama.[00:08:13] Interesting program offers general principles for couples.[00:10:22] Couples therapy normalized, important for relationships.[00:15:02] Challenging couples struggle, therapy can bring grief.[00:16:44] Hopelessness and helplessness in failing relationships.[00:20:50] Intensity of emotions can damage relationships dynamics.[00:23:28] Individual therapy alongside couples therapy has benefits.

In this episode of The Relationship Maze, hosts Tom and Angela delve into the topic of parenting styles. They discuss the consequences and effects of overly permissive or rigid parenting, drawing from their own experiences and the challenges faced by couples in therapy. Tom and Angela explore the importance of finding a balance and how our own childhood experiences shape our parenting approaches. They touch on the different parenting styles identified by developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind and explain the potential pitfalls of being overly permissive. Tune in to gain insights into effective parenting and the impact it has on relationships. Plus, don't forget to visit the relationshipmaze.com for a free online conflict style quiz and expert advice on improving your relationships. Welcome to The Relationship Maze podcast![00:02:49] Strict parenting shapes adult and child experiences.[00:03:44] Parenting styles: historical, authoritarian vs. permissive and loving[00:08:12] Boundaries create confidence and security in life.[00:09:45] Interacting with others has rules, uncertainties breed anxiety.[00:15:39] Motivated by love, but blinded by self-interest.[00:17:29] Excessive rules limit growth, hinder decision-making.[00:20:35] Uninvolved parenting resulting from trauma and neglect.[00:24:54] Understanding consequences, teaching healthy social skills.[00:27:07] Improve relationships, take quiz, subscribe next week.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to today's episode of The Relationship Maze, where Tom and Angela dive deep into the concept of trust. In this episode, they discuss the challenges of establishing trust in the early stages of a relationship, especially in the age of online dating. From questions about commitment to the fear of being abandoned, Tom and Angela explore the insecurities and self-doubts that often arise. They also shed light on the different attachment styles that can influence one's level of trust and the need for reassurance. Additionally, they explore the different types of trust, including blind trust and the importance of being cautious in trusting others. Join us as we navigate the intricate path of trust in relationships on this episode of The Relationship Maze.00:00:51 Insecurity in early relationships revolves around trust.00:05:58 Lack of trust related to internal insecurities.00:09:19 Separating anxieties, insecurities in relationships, trust.00:12:24 Questions on honesty, consistency, and trust in friendships; overcoming past pain and anxiety in relationships.00:14:21 New relationships are risky but rewarding.00:17:54 Unclear self-doubt and distrust in relationships.00:23:21 Trust issues emerge in relationships causing conflict.00:24:42 Helping people explore and understand their relationships.00:00:51 In new relationships, trust is often questioned. Can I rely on them? Can they fulfill my expectations? Trust is key.00:05:58 The lack of trust is often related to internal factors and attachment styles, leading to insecurity and seeking reassurance or exhibiting avoidant behavior.00:09:19 Separating personal insecurities from partner's intentions is crucial. Assess behavior objectively to determine trustworthiness and commitment.00:12:24 It's important to know if someone treats their friends well and if they are consistent. Trust can be challenging after past hurts and betrayals, but being open to relationships means accepting the possibility of pain.00:14:21 Starting a new relationship is risky due to the vulnerability and potential for hurt, but not pursuing relationships has its own drawbacks.00:17:54 The text discusses self-doubt, distrust, and the struggle to find resolution in relationships.00:23:21 Lack of trust affects relationships, even in the long term. Couples therapy is often sought out for this issue.00:24:42 The course explores self-exploration and understanding partners in relationships.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to another episode of The Relationship Maze. In today's episode,  Tom and Angela delve into the topic of emotional and psychological health. They explore what it means to be emotionally and psychologically healthy, beyond the traditional focus on physical well-being. Drawing on the work of renowned Gestalt therapist Joseph Zinker, they discuss the importance of embracing the full range of emotions and avoiding the trap of toxic positivity. Tom and Angela also examine Zinker's list of the characteristics of a healthy person, with a special emphasis on self-awareness and the ability to set boundaries. Tune in as they delve deeper into these concepts and provide practical tips for developing emotional and psychological health. Don't forget to visit The Relationship Maze website for additional resources and to take their free online conflict style quiz. Press play now and embark on this journey to enhance your relationships and personal well-being.00:01:45 Importance of experiencing full range of emotions.00:05:20 Importance of awareness in healthy relationships.00:08:52 Developing neural connections in weightlifting promotes self-awareness.00:10:43 Taking ownership of your responses and actions.00:14:11 Embrace all sensations, judgment-free. Find true value.00:19:14 Awareness of relationship dynamics and toxic situations.00:21:55 Healthy person takes responsibility for actions, impact on others.00:24:05 Actions have impact; inaction can be damaging.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to another episode of The Relationship Maze with your hosts, Tom and Angela! We're excited to bring you insights and helpful tips on navigating the complex world of relationships.In this episode, we discuss what you can possibly do to unintentionally undermine successful communication in your relationship.  Partners in relationships often sabotage their efforts to let their partner know what they think and feel. We delve into the ways that our communication patterns can hinder connection and create rifts in our relationships.  Effective communication requires conscious effort. 00:01:30 Communication is key in all relationships.00:05:27 "Beware of excessive self-expression in relationships."00:09:01 Develop awareness of your inner thoughts. Express them honestly to avoid frustration and dissatisfaction.00:11:57 Losing focus and communication hinders relationship progress.00:14:57 Impact of words and actions varies for everyone.00:18:42 Listening is key in effective communication.00:23:57 Verbal abuse: frustration, protests, not effective.00:25:35 Finding the right time for conversation matters.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.In today’s episode we discuss the indicators that show you that you are in a relationship with a partner who you can build a mature and healthy relationship with. Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the challenges you might be presented with if you experience your partner's parents as being too present in your relationship. Conversely you may be frustrated by your partner’s complaints about your own close relationship with your parents. It's not uncommon for parents to be involved in their adult child's life, but what happens when their involvement becomes intrusive or overbearing or if there is disagreement in your relationship about the appropriate amount of time that should be set aside for contact with the parents. We'll explore the reasons why some parents may be overly involved in their child's relationship, and the impact that this can have on the couple. We'll also discuss strategies for setting boundaries and managing the situation in a way that supports the health and well-being of all parties involved. Join us as we delve into the complexities of navigating a relationship when your partner's parents are too present, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate healthy boundaries and autonomy in your connection with your partner. Whether you're struggling with this issue in your own relationship or simply interested in learning more about this common challenge, this episode is packed with valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the ups and downs of modern love.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Today we are speaking with psychotherapist and author Julia Bueno. We will be discussing the important and challenging area of dealing with your inner critic.Julia Bueno is a qualified, experienced, and UKCP registered Integrative Psychotherapist and Counsellor, working in Stoke Newington N16. She is author of 'Everyone's a critic' - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Everyones-Critic-Stories-learning-enough/dp/0349014590You can follow her on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/julia_bueno_therapist/?hl=enWhat is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the topic of getting attracted to the wrong people. Have you ever found yourself drawn to someone who is clearly not a good match for you? Do you find yourself repeating the same patterns in your relationships, despite knowing that they don't serve you well? If so, you're not alone.We'll explore the reasons why we often find ourselves attracted to the wrong people, from childhood experiences to unconscious patterns of behavior. We'll also discuss strategies for breaking free from these patterns and cultivating healthy relationships that support our growth and well-being. Join us as we delve into the complexities of getting attracted to the wrong people, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate healthy relationships that serve us well. Whether you're struggling with this issue in your own relationships or simply interested in learning more about this common challenge, this episode is packed with valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the ups and downs of modern love.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the important topic of dividing chores in your relationship. Sharing household responsibilities is a common challenge for many couples, and can cause tension and conflict if not handled effectively. Join us as we delve into the complexities of dividing chores in your relationship, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate a fair and equitable partnership that supports both partners. Whether you're struggling with dividing chores in your own relationship or simply interested in learning more about this common issue, this episode is packed with valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the challenges of modern relationships.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In this episode of the Relationship Maze podcast, we'll be exploring the topic of enmeshment in relationships. Enmeshment is a common dynamic in relationships where individuals become overly involved in each other's lives, to the point where they lose their individual identities and personal boundaries. This can lead to a range of problematic presentations, including co-dependency, emotional manipulation, and a loss of personal autonomy. Enmeshment can also be present in one partner only, who struggles with separation anxiety in the relationship. While closeness in a relationship is of course important, enmeshment is the unhealthy extreme of emotional intimacy.We'll explore the causes and consequences of enmeshment, as well as strategies for identifying and addressing this dynamic in our own relationships. Join us as we delve into the complexities of enmeshment in relationships, and gain a deeper understanding of how to cultivate healthy boundaries and autonomy in our connection with your partner. Whether you're struggling with enmeshment in your own relationship or simply interested in learning more about this common dynamic, this episode is packed with valuable insights and practical tips for navigating the challenges of modern relationships.

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we are talking with Dr Steven C. Hayes, the originator of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT).Frequently we get caught up in the trap of our own minds. The struggle with trying to manage our thoughts and feelings can stop us from fully engaging with our lives and our relationships. ACT presents a ground breaking approach to help you discover a different way to relate to your thoughts and feelings so that you can find more peace and fulfilment in your life and relationships.Dr. Steven C. Hayes is an Emeritus Professor of Psychology at the University of Nevada, Reno and President of the Institute for Better Health, a 45-year old charitable organization dedicated to better mental and behavioral health.His work has been celebrated with several awards, such as the Lifetime Achievement Award from the Association for Behavioural and Cognitive Therapies and the Impact of Science on Application Award from the Society for the Advancement of Behaviour Analysis.With 47 books and nearly 700 scientific articles published, Dr. Hayes is one of the most cited psychologists in the world as he continues to innovate in the field of psychology.More about Dr. Hayes's work:His work has been focused on developing a new behavioral science approach called Contextual Behavioral Science. He originated its underlying philosophical of science (Functional Contextualism), its basic science of human higher cognition (Relational Frame Theory or "RFT"), its application to individual psychological change (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy or Training, "ACT" in either case), and co-developed its application to the development of more cooperative groups (Prosocial). He has helped develop a model of human suffering and human prosperity (the Psychological Flexibility Model), a new method of analyzing processes of change (idionomic analysis), a new vision of what evidence-based intervention should be (Process-Based Therapy), and he has extended multidimensional and multilevel evolutionary thinking to human problems of all kinds. In this fascinating interview, we'll be exploring many areas regarding ourselves and our relationships and how increasing our psychological flexibility can be so important in our lives.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of the human experience.In today's episode we talk about the advantages and disadvantages of having a mental health diagnosis. In daily language many people refer to themselves or others as having a personality disorder - often very serious presentations are bandied about quite flippantly. Presentations can also be weaponised by one partner over the other, i.e. 'The only problem here is your Borderline Personality Disorder'. Personality Disorders as described in the DSM-5 are wide ranging and include Generalised Anxiety Disorder or Depression, for example. The DSM-5 is the standard classification manual for all mental health disorders for adults and children in the US. The other manual that health care professionals refer to, in particular in Europe, is the ICD-10.It can be very helpful to finally find out that the challenges that you face fall within cluster of presentations that are recognised as creating difficulties in your life; by the same token a diagnosis can also mean that you feel stuck  - and often helpless - in a particular identity.We discuss -who can diagnose a personality disorder or schizophrenia -what an assessment might look like -the challenges with diagnosing a mental health condition -the advantages of getting a diagnosis -the disadvantages of getting a diagnosis -the DSM V vs other models such as The Power Threat Meaning Framework -What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of the human experience. In today's episode, we'll be discussing the topic of loneliness, a universal human experience that affects millions of people around the world. Loneliness is one of the hardest experiences one can have; as human beings we are hard wired to connect with others. At the extreme end, not experiencing any connection at all, is therefore a dehumanising experience for people who are profoundly lonely. Loneliness is not just about being alone, but rather a feeling of disconnection and isolation, even when surrounded by others. It can have a profound impact on our mental and physical health, and can lead to a range of negative outcomes, from depression and anxiety to increased risk of illness and  earlier mortality rates. But what causes loneliness, and how can we combat it?Join us as we explore the root causes of loneliness and isolation.  Learn strategies for building deeper connections and combating loneliness in our own lives.

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing seven signs that your relationship is working. Relationships can be challenging, but when things are going well, they can be a source of joy, support, and fulfilment. By paying attention to certain indicators, we can identify when our relationship is on the right track. From feeling secure and supported to having a shared vision for the future, we'll be exploring the common signs that indicate a relationship is healthy and fulfilling. Join us as we discuss these seven signs in depth, and offer insights for cultivating a happy and successful relationship. Whether you're in a long-term partnership or just starting out, this episode is packed with valuable insights for navigating the ups and downs of modern love.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we navigate the twists and turns of modern relationships. In today's episode, we'll be discussing seven signs that your relationship may be in difficulty. Relationships are at times complex and challenging, and it's not always easy to notice when troublesome patterns set in and become a persistent problem over the years. By the time partners know that there are issues that need addressing, the relationship might be in deep water already. By paying attention to certain warning signs, we can identify potential problems early on and take steps to address them. From loss of connection to communication breakdowns or loss of intimacy, we'll be exploring the common signs that indicate a relationship may be in trouble. Not paying attention to these red flags can jeopardise your relationship in the long run.Join us as we discuss these warning signs in depth, and offer strategies for addressing them and strengthening your relationship. Whether you're in a long-term partnership or just starting out, this episode is packed with valuable insights for navigating the ups and downs of modern love.

Find out about our comprehensive course to help you create fulfilling relationships on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the many facets of human emotion. In today's episode, we'll be exploring the elusive concept of happiness. Everyone wants it but what does it mean to be happy?In this episode we discuss what happiness might look like and how we can achieve this state of being. Is happiness a fleeting emotion or can it be sustained over time? Is happiness something outside of ourselves (e.g. an object or a goal) or is it something that we generate internally?We'll be briefly delving into some of the thinking about happiness, as well as exploring how the continued search can sometimes get in the way of having the experience of being happy.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we delve into the complexities of the human experience. In today's episode, we'll be exploring the topic of social anxiety, a condition that affects millions of people around the world. Social anxiety is characterized by an intense fear of social situations and interactions, often leading to avoidance or distress. It can manifest in a variety of ways, from difficulty speaking in public to avoiding social events altogether. But what causes social anxiety, and how does it impact those who experience it? Join us as we dive deep into the world of social anxiety, and gain a greater understanding of this common yet often misunderstood condition.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Welcome to the Relationship Maze podcast, where we explore the complexities of human relationships. In today's episode, we'll be diving into the topic of jealousy and how it affects relationships. Jealousy is a common emotion that can arise in any type of relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, or professional. Jealousy is usually a fear of loosing someone you care for to someone else.  It can stem from a variety of sources, such as self-esteem, past experiences, or even a lack of trust. But how does jealousy impact relationships? Jealousy can present on a spectrum ranging from normal (reactive) jealousy to more troublesome presentations where a partner becomes increasingly controlling because their fear of loss becomes unbearable. At the extreme end, jealousy can lead to stalking or violence. Pathological forms of jealousy are often more related to forms of narcissism and self love rather than to loving a partner. Join us as we explore these questions and more, and gain a deeper understanding of how jealousy can shape our connections with others.What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In today's episode we talk about shame. Shame can be one of the most difficult feelings we can experience as it goes to the core of our notion of self. Talking about something that we experience as shameful makes us feel intensely vulnerable and exposed. We can experience shame as an attack on our core self.  We distinguish between healthy feelings of shame and unhealthy, chronic and toxic shame which is often the underlying emotion of a wide range of disturbing experiences: low self-worth, anxiety, depression, isolation, addiction, self-harm, issues with uncontrollable anger and many more.Shame has a prosocial function; it is important for facilitating social bonds and norms and enables us to notice when we have  transgressed a social norm,  have made a  mistake or have crossed a boundary. We can make amends and our feeling of shame will dissipate very soon. Milder versions of shame are feeling embarrassed or guilty. With guilt we are more likely to focus on our wrong behaviour which is different from a stronger version of shame where we focus on our self as being flawed. With chronic shame we feel bad about who we are, rather than what we did. Chronic shame can get us into a cycle of shame where we an association evokes a previous experience of shame, which activates negative thoughts and feelings. This then get our defenses going (e.g. avoiding or attacking) and will lead to inappropriate  behaviour such as self harming, drinking or isolating for too long. These behaviour in turn will make us feel more shame and the cycle starts anew. Chronic, toxic shame can develop in response to painful childhood experiences, for example always being negatively compared to a sibling, being bullied at home or school, guarding a family secret like alcoholism, being poor or being constantly being disproved of.In the podcast we talk about what you can do to develop more shame resilience, getting less triggered or not at all triggered by earlier associations that evoke shame. In order to manage shame more effectively, it will need to be recognised and understood first. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In today's episode we talk about feelings and emotions. As therapists we always encourage our clients to express their feelings and emotions. We discuss why it matters to get in touch with your feelings and emotions. Our emotions represent our lived experience and they are personal to us. Getting in touch with our feelings and emotional reactions will provide us with information about how we relate to the world and interact with others. We often distinguish between 'positive' and 'negative' emotions and often struggle to express the former. Our emotional responses are learned and therefore they can also be reviewed and changed if necessary.We talk about interoception: our ability to consciously or unconsciously sense, access and identify physiological and emotional signals that come from within us. The more awareness we have about our internal state, the more able we are to emotionally regulate effectively. With a strong sense of interoception we can more readily identify our emotions and respond appropriately to signals for example of (perceived) danger.We discuss approaches to managing challenging feeling and emotions more effectively so that you don't get overrun or controlled by your internal sensations.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In today's episode we are in conversation with dating and relationship expert Dr Kathrine Bejanyan.According to research, nearly half of US adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last 10 years. This has caused more than half of young people in America not to have a romantic partner, and the majority of those dating to express dissatisfaction with their romantic lives due to several negative experiences.Katherine talks about the challenges of today's dating world, common mistakes that people make and the frequent phenomenon of 'ghosting'. Dr. Kathrine Bejanyan  runs a private therapy practice focusing on relationships, which has helped thousands of people develop a healthier and happier love life. Through individual or couple counselling, which usually takes 8 to 16 weeks, she shows her clients how dating and relationships really work and how they can use this newfound knowledge to create long-term romantic relationships they draw strength and love from, not pain and confusion. Previously,   she worked as a Relationship Consultant at The Executive Club of St. James's, a high-end matchmaking agency where she helped clients gain a better understanding of themselves, their partner(s) and learn how to form true intimacy within their romantic relationships. She has a Master’s in Counselling Psychology and a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, concentrating on romantic relationships. She is also an accredited member of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy with a license as a Marriage Family Therapist from the US. Dr. Kathrine is also a highly sought-after speaker on relationships, and she has written for several magazines, including Huffington Post, as an expert on relationships.

If you have ever experienced bullying, at school, in your workplace or in your relationship(s), you know how devastating it can be. Bulling is often defined as one person intentionally and consistently causing emotional or physical harm to another person. We would like to expand this definition by also including behaviour that causes serious harm whether it is intended or not. We look at the the make-up of bullies. What makes somebody bully another person?We then discuss the impact of being at the receiving end of bullying. Having been bullied at school for example can cause serious harm for the rest of a person's adult life.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Do you generally tend to put things off in your life? We are all familiar with undertaking some tasks that we are not too keen on. Procrastinating doesn't mean that you are lazy, in fact often the opposite is true. Many people's houses are the tidiest when an uncomfortable task has to be avoided at all costs, e.g. having to study for exams or having to have a conversation with friend, colleague or partner about their troubling behaviour.  Rather than being a question of laziness, procrastination is often more about avoiding the engagement with troublesome emotions. Procrastination is frequently driven by an an underlying anxiety:  that you cannot do something well enough or that the person you need to talk to might not react well. Procrastination is a form of avoidance: we avoid what we don't enjoy or that we fear. Procrastination is often linked to perfectionism. The underlying fear is that the task cannot be done well enough.  With procrastination the only way forward is to acknowledge the underlying emotions and to get going. This involves being able to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. How to break the pattern of procrastination? We discuss some strategies like the time management technique Pomodoro, that you might employ to break your habit of procrastination. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

How open are you to finding out more about others or about the world in general? In today's episode we discuss the importance of being curious. Curiosity is a drive to want to find out more, to learn and to understand. Curiosity keeps us open rather than to get stuck in our assumptions that we know already everything there is to know. In relationships curiosity keeps you open to your partner and their perception of the world. Having a stance of curiosity enables you to gain a deeper insight into other people and to possibly avoid some of your confirmation bias as well as your underlying assumptions. Your curiosity can lead to new insights and deeper learning.Couples can benefit from setting time aside where they openly engage in a process of inquiry. For example they may discover answers to the following questions: what is my partner experiencing? Why are they getting upset? How do I actively contribute to difficulties in our relationship?  What change is needed here to improve our relationship? You can also engage in an appreciative inquiry where the focus is on what works well in your relationship.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In this episode we discuss your inner critic, a negative voice that tells you for example that you are not doing well enough, are not likable enough or you will never be able to do this. This voice usually questions your actions or your sense of self  in a way that is not helpful. Your inner critic tends to usually have been around for quite a long time. Much like taking in food, we we would have taken in messages by our parents, teachers or other people in authority who teach us who we are as a person and what is possible or impossible in life. We learn patterns of thinking about ourselves and the world. We internalise other people's voices. These earlier templates of learning about the world run in the background all of the time and will need to be brought into awareness if we want to change our thinking. We look at ways of challenging your inner critic, bringing your internalised messages into awareness and questioning whether your thinking still serves you well in the present day.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In this episode we talk about patterns in your relationships which tend to keep you firmly entrenched in roles which can be very disempowering.  You might often find yourself coming to the rescue of others, always making sure that you look out for others.  Or you may find that you frequently end up in a victim role where you feel put upon or disregarded by others. We discuss the drama triangle, a model of problematic interactions and conflict in relationships. This model was developed by Stephen Karpman, over 40 years ago and it is still very relevant to developing an understanding of relationship dynamics today.In today's episode we focus in particular on two roles of the drama triangle: that of the rescuer and the victim. If you are interested in finding out more about the drama triangle and Transactional Analysis you might want to listen to  our earlier episodesAre you always the victim, persecutor or rescuer in conflict situations? - Understanding the drama triangle How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate betterThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In today's episode we talk about the experience of feeling disappointed.  Disappointment is the roll call of feelings that you have when something did not happen or wasn't as good as hoped for. We all had experiences in life where our hopes were dashed and expectation that we had were not met. These expectations might relate to other people, situations or an idea about our own capacities.  The ensuing feeling of not having our expectations met can be one of sadness, anger, loss, betrayal and frustrated hopes.  Your expectations might either be more realistic or they might be more in the realm of fantasy (e.g. winning the lottery).Your partner is likely to disappoint you at some point in the relationship by not meeting your expectations. This is particularly likely to happen once you have left the initial honeymoon stage behind: you are now likely to see your partner warts and all rather than just a projection of a prince or princess.  We look at how you can minimise disappointments with each other in the relationship.Related podcast episode:Expectations - How You Create Your Own Relationship DisappointmentThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

What might a relationship with two partners who are avoidant-dismissive look like? Or two people who are anxious-preoccupied?  In today's episode we look at the combinations of (insecure) attachment styles in relationships.We discuss the dynamics of relationships where one partner is secure and the other isn't and look in more detail at the impact of having the same or opposite insecure attachment than your partner. While there is no clear prediction whether a relationship with two insecurely attached partner will last or not, there is more likelihood that some insecure combination of attachment are going to run into trouble. In couples therapy the most common presentation is one where one partner is avoidant-dismissive and the other is anxious-preoccupied. Both partners have similar wounding but opposite defenses. Related Relationship Maze podcast episodes:7 Signs You Might Have an Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style7 Signs You Might Have an Avoidant Attachment StyleThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Following on from our podcast last week where we discussed the anxious-preoccupied attachment style, we are now focusing on the the avoidant-dismissive attachment style and how people with this attachment style adapt to relationships.According to estimates circa 50% of the population is secure and 50 % is insecure: 20 percent is anxious-preoccupied, 25 percent is avoidant-dismissive and 5 percent is fearful (a combination of insecure attachment styles).People with an avoidant-dismissive attachment style may have difficulty trusting and forming intimate bonds with others, and often avoid close relationships. They may be in long term relationships but struggle with vulnerability, closeness and connection. They may also have difficulty with self-expression, in particular expressing their emotions.People with an avoidant attachment style often focus on being independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient. They may also be uncomfortable with physical or emotional closeness and prefer to keep their distance from others.  A person with this attachment style avoids intimacy, which is experienced as threatening. They therefore find it difficult to be vulnerable and open up to other people.In this episode we’ll discuss some of the indicators of an avoidant-dismissive attachment style and how to improve your relationships.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Today we will be looking at some of the common presentations of an anxious-preoccupied/ambivalent attachment style. A person with this insecure attachment style is generally very concerned with wanting to be completely emotionally intimate with others and finding that others are never quite as willing to get as close as desired.  There is a very strong expectation as well as a fear of rejection or abandonment by others. With this attachment style there is often a lot of protest behaviour with a ready expression of feelings. Anxious-preoccupied people tend to be in the maximiser and pursuer role. The focus is on the other person as source of soothing and a safe haven to regulate oneself.  However, this desire is frequently not quite satisfied, leaving the anxious-preoccupied person chronically disappointed, angry or frustrated.  A person with this attachment frequently worries that others don't value them as much as they value others. The seven signs that we will be looking at in our podcast episode include a tendency to- exaggerate emotions,- be 'other' focused,- be highly dependent on others,- have porous self-boundaries,- act submissively and at times manipulatively,- move between aggressiveness and passivity.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Do you sometimes feel that your partner oversteps boundaries in your relationship or that you struggle to set boundaries yourself? Do you have a healthy sense of boundaries or are your boundaries either too rigid or too porous?Boundaries are the invisible lines that demarcate your personal (physical) space, your limits, your values and rules that guide your life.  We know when someone displays behaviour that is not acceptable to us; we might notice a sense of discomfort for example. If we never experience any sense of boundary violation, this may be a sign that you had to shut down your sense of self very early on in life. Boundaries tells us when demands are being made that might transgress your sense of what feels right.  Often we are not that clear where our boundaries are; they will need to be brought into awareness and clearly defined. This is particularly true in relationships as both you and your partner are likely to have different boundaries.Boundaries can be too rigid or too porous. We discuss what rigid and porous boundaries look like, why someone might have these types of boundaries and what healthy boundaries you should set yourself. Rigid boundaries are often a defense and may go hand in hand with an avoidance of emotional intimacy. Porous boundaries are usually driven by the desire to please and by an underlying fear of loss. Healthy boundaries are important - they bring a sense of comfort and safety. Partners often assume that they know each other's boundaries. The truth is that these boundaries will often have to be explicitly stated and at times negotiated. Your partner cannot read your mind and will need to know where your line is. Conversely, you will need to know where your partner's boundaries lie.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In episode 118 we are delighted to be in conversation with Dr Julia Carter about current dating trends in society. Are we all as free, unrestrained and equal as we would like to think? Do you know what factors contribute to your choice of partner? Find out more dating patterns and what dating tells us about wider society in general. Julia is a Senior Lecturer in Sociology at the University of the West of England. Her research interests include marriage and relationships, families and personal life, and gender and sexuality. She is particularly interested in intimate relationships and the roles these play in an ever-changing social context. Her academic publications focus on marriage and narratives of love, sexuality and commitment; living apart together relationships, policy and social change; weddings and gender; and love and relationships. Julia has also recently collaborated with eHarmony to produce a 'Bristol Love Report' based on research on the dating lives of Bristolians.If you would like to contact Julia for research purposes, please email Julia.Carter@uwe.ac.uk. Her twitter handle is @juliajcarter.Julia's publications:Carter, J., & Arocha, L. (Eds.). (2020). Romantic Relationships in a Time of 'Cold Intimacies'. Palgrave Macmillan (part of Springer Nature). https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-29256-0 Carter, J., & Duncan, S. (2018). Reinventing Couples: Tradition, Agency and Bricolage. London, UK: Palgrave Macmillan. https://doi.org/10.1057/978-1-137-58961-3

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.In today's episode we talk about the low feelings that many people get in the winter period. The lack of light can affect your mood to the extent that you might struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). SAD is a form of depression that is usually experienced during the autumn and winter months. Everybody gets affected by the changing season, however, with SAD you are hit much harder than others, e.g. struggling to get out of bed, meeting friends or feeling very tearful. Unlike clinical, long term depression, SAD usually lifts with the arrival of spring or summer. We emotionally regulate through connection with others. In the dark and cold winter months, these interactions often get reduced. It's dark and cold and therefore cosier to stay indoors. This in turn can affect your mood adversely if you are already feeling low and lonely. We discuss what you might want to do if you experience low mood in the winter months. Related Relationship Maze podcast:Approaches to Addressing and Treating Depression

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Today we are talking about generalised anxiety - how you might experience it, how it impacts on you and your relationships and what to do about this unpleasant sensation. Anxiety is a normal response. It is part of our inbuilt biological defense system. It activates our autonomic nervous system and makes us experience a number of physiological symptoms such as a pounding heart, racing thoughts, tension in our stomach clammy hands. Anxiety presents as a feeling in our body as well as a series of thoughts. Unlike fear which is associated with an immediate fight/flight response to a real situation that is threatening, anxiety is the anticipatory apprehension of an event that brings uncertainty or imagined unpleasantness. Fear is what you feel during a battle, anxiety is the anticipation of the battle the night before. Anxiety alerts us to the fact that trouble may lie ahead. Anxiety can be grounded in adverse experience and it can lead to anticipatory anxiety. You might develop a fear of the fear.In today's discourse there is a lot talk about anxiety as a dis-ease. The underlying assumption is that anxiety is bad for you, you shouldn't feel it and might have to medicate against it. While anxiety is often experienced as highly unpleasant, it can serve a helpful function. It tells us that we need to spring into action and it can act as a motivational system. At other times, high levels of anxiety in response to a perceived, imagined threat can get us into an avoidant response. The avoidance in turn reinforces the idea that there really is something threatening about this situation. The more you avoid the situation, the more you are telling yourself that there really is something scary about this situation. A feedback loop is created that gets us stuck.We talk about early attachment wounds and how they foster anxiety which then plays out in your relationships, either through an excessive need to be reassured by your partner or through high levels of avoidance of emotional intimacy. We also discuss what you might do to develop a different relationship with your anxiety. Related episodes:Why Anxiety Is Good For You - In Conversation With Dr Tracy Dennis-TiwaryAnxiety and how to manage it

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.In today's episode we talk about gaslighting, a term that has become increasingly popular in current discourse.  Gaslighting is a term that derives from a 1938 play and subsequent film where a devious husband intentionally attempts to drive his wife into insanity by dimming their gas lights and then denying that the lights had been tempered with. Gaslighting describes a phenomenon where your perception is being questioned to the point of questioning your sanity. In gaslighting one person is using psychological manipulation in order to deliberately make the other person question their own thoughts, feelings, experiences or sensations. Gaslighting is an extreme form of emotional abuse. We explore how gaslighting presents in (abusive) relationships, for example or through denial or obfuscation, and what needs to happen if you find yourself being gaslighted.Related podcasts:How to deal with a toxic partner? - Breaking away from narcissistic abuseWhy it is so hard to leave an abusive relationship

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.In today's episode Tom and Angela discuss some of their top indicators that your relationship might be in trouble. We talk about lack of time together, poor communication, constant arguments, restraints in the relationship, a lack of commitment, abusive patterns, a lack of flourishing, dishonesty and constant criticism. If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

In episode 111 we have the pleasure of talking to Marc Sholes, who shares his wisdom with us when it comes to making the best partner choice for you. Marc explains attachment styles and why you should 'privilege character over chemistry'.Marc is a highly experienced New York City psychotherapist and psychoanalyst with 35+ years of experience helping people get healthy, tidy up their world, and straighten out their lives. In this episode Marc talks about the following:-What is an attachment style and why is it the biggest hindrance to people attaining their goals and finding happiness?- How to change your attachment style so you can stop pairing up with the wrong romantic partners, stop wasting time and emotional energy on toxic relationships, and get busy living the life you should be living.- Why are you attracted to your opposite - Uncovering your more authentic self so that you may regain authorship over your lifeMarc is also the author of the popular book 'Reset Your Romantic GPS: Why You Steer Toward the Wrong Partners and How to Change for the Better', which explains the idea of attachment style, a psychological force we develop in early childhood, and how it influences every emotional choice and decision we make.The book has sold thousands of copies internationally.Marc's areas of expertise include couples therapy, marital challenges, anxiety, depression, employment difficulties, sexual dysfunction, and eating disorders.He is also a board member, faculty, and supervisor at the National Institute for the Psychotherapies, a leading training institute for psychotherapists, and a former associate editor of Psychoanalytic Perspectives: A Journal of Integration and Innovation.Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships, https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Everyone experiences emotional ups and downs, but how we respond to our emotions is what matters most. Emotional regulation skills are key to managing our emotions and leading a healthy life. Developing emotional regulation skills can be difficult but with the right exercises and determination, it can be done. In this podcast I'll take you through a couple of exercises to help you improve your emotional regulation skills and become better at controlling your emotions. With practice and commitment, you can learn to recognize and respond to your emotions in healthy ways.Breathing exercisesBreathing exercises are a great place to start when you’re looking to improve your emotional regulation skills. When we’re under stress, our breathing can become shallow and erratic. This can lead to increased feelings of anxiety and stress. When we’re stressed, it’s important to take the time to focus on slow, controlled breathing. This helps to calm the nervous system and reduce feelings of anxiety. There are a few different breathing techniques you can use to help improve your emotional regulation skills. The 4-7-8 breathing technique involves inhaling for a four-second count, holding your breath for a seven-second count, and exhaling for an eight-second count. The 10-10-10 breathing technique involves inhaling for a 10-second count, holding your breath for a 10-second count, and exhaling for a 10-second count. In this podcast you'll go through box breathing.Progressive muscle relaxationProgressive muscle relaxation is a relaxation technique that involves tensing and relaxing different muscle groups. When you’re feeling stressed or anxious, you may notice that you’re tensing certain muscles. Progressive muscle relaxation helps to release these tension spots and can reduce feelings of anxiety and stress. If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Would you like to discover your conflict style in relationships? Discover how it can help you in your relationships.Erik Erikson was a renowned psychoanalyst and psychosocial theorist who proposed eight stages of life as a way to understand the development of the human personality. His theory of life stages, which takes into account the different developmental tasks that must be achieved at each stage of life, has been widely accepted and applied to a variety of settings. By understanding Erikson's life stages, you can use them to improve your life and help you to reach your full potential. By looking at the different stages, you can identify where you are in your development and use that knowledge to make choices that will have a positive impact on your life. You can also utilize the life stages to help you to understand the development of others and to better support and guide them on their journey.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Is there a particular behaviour by your partner that you find intensely and frequently  irritating, frustrating, dismissive or irksome? Do you know how to effectively let your partner how you feel and what change you want to see?  In today's episode we talk about an effective way of  communicating that can enable a behaviour change in your partner. We discuss the  4 step Feedback Wheel structure as suggested by Terrence Real in his book 'The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work'.1.  Describe (as neutrally as a recording video camera) what you saw or heard2. Describe what you made up about this situation (your interpretation of events)3. Let your partner know how you feel about this situation 4. Make a request for a change: what you would like to see happen (your request has to be viable and measurable)If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

When you get very caught up in your emotions you may struggle to express your needs appropriately. You might feel very angry or highly anxious for example your reasoning may go out of the window.When agitated, we often react automatically without any reflections. When we cannot regulate our emotions, we get overwhelmed - we are controlled by the emotion rather than the other way round. In the situation where we get triggered emotionally, we often lose the capacity to utilise that part of our brain that helps us to cognitively process, instead our emotional "monkey brain" takes over.If you experienced adverse experiences in your life and trauma, you are more likely to unconsciously scan for danger and feel more readily threatened. Trauma studies have shown that people with high levels of trauma struggle to read another person's face: another person's sad face may be experienced as angry. Arguments with the partner may get more readily out of control if there is perceived danger.Other people can help us to 'co-regulate': if you have a very calm partner, this can help you to feel calmer and reassured. Conversely, if both of you are highly emotionally agitated, you are more likely to further increase each other's distress. You can learn to increase your window of tolerance for difficult emotions and thereby get less easily triggered and distressed by other people's interactions with you.If you struggle to identify your emotions the Feelings Wheel may provide some help.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.In this podcast I mentioned a device I use for breathing practice which can be found at https://www.airofit.com/Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcast episode:What happens when you 'lose your mind'? - How understanding the structure of your brain helps in conflict situationsTrauma - how it affects you and your relationship

Do you often complain to others about your partner? Or do you constantly tell your partner that their behaviours are dissatisfying to you? Do these complaints help your relationship and get you what you want?Complaining can be satisfying but is not likely to achieve anything, in particular if you talk to a person who is not the source of the complaint and cannot do anything about this, i.e. a friend.Complaints are usually caused by the behaviour of the other person that troubles you. Often the complaint is about a behaviour that is seemingly innocuous to the person who is at the receiving end of the complaint.  However, frequent complaints about the same set of behaviours in the partner, often have long roots. They tend to relate to a deeper underlying fear: for example, a fear that your partner does not care about you or not love you enough.Complaining to others is often a proxy way of addressing your frustration: you raise your frustration in a 'safe' way by talking to a friend rather than to the person who caused you the frustration. This way you avoid a 'confrontation' or conflict with your partner that you perceive as dangerous.  Conversely, you might be someone who readily raises all their frustrations with the partner in a continuous litany of wrong doing. Both scenarios  help us to vent our frustrations but in the long run do not facilitate the desired change you crave for. The person you need to talk to, is the person whose behaviour is troubling you. How you go about doing this, is crucial. In this podcast we talk about ways of addressing frustrations with your partner, that actually get you the change in behaviour that you want to achieve.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Do you always know what your partner is thinking? Well, you may find that you are completely wrong with your underlying assumptions. Mind reading mostly does not work very well. Assumptions are generalisations, inferences and predictions about the world and about other people's intentions. They offer us a sense of predictability and safety. Mostly we are not aware of our assumptions, they run on auto pilot in the background without us putting them to the test and questioning them. For example, in dating you may automatically assume that another person is not interested in you, if they have not responded to a text message within a certain time frame. In your relationship you may come to the conclusion that your partner does not care about you because they didn't like the meal you cooked for them. The problem with assumptions is that they often entail jumping to a conclusion about our partner's intention. We may be right, sometimes, but not always. Assumptions make us less open to possibilities. Particularly when we are getting into regular arguments with repetitive themes, it can help to closely examine your underlying assumptions. They may connect to some core fears that you have about your partner and the relationship. If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Today we discuss the importance of rituals in life and in your relationships. A ritual is a predefined sequence of symbolic actions which are often characterised by formality and repetition.  Weddings, birthday celebrations or funerals, for example, are rituals. Particularly, of course, in the sphere of religions there are strong associations with rituals that provide symbolic value.Why are rituals important?Because rituals are highly structured they help us to have some sense of predictability about the future and possibly create more certainty. They can contribute to lessening anxiety. Rituals create meaning and they can bind us to a particular group or person; they may contribute to group cohesion and unity.Rituals can help to process a loss. For example, a ritual may help you to let go when there has been a painful break up. Rituals are also important to celebrate important moments and mile stones in your relationship. This may be celebrating the end of the working week, anniversaries or any moments in your relationship that you want to mark. Engaging in a ritual helps you to connect. Rituals can also help us when it comes to emotional regulation; they can be soothing, exhilarating or motivating.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcasts:What happens when you 'lose your mind'? - How understanding the structure of your brain helps in conflict situations (Podcast about emotional regulation)

In today's episode we consider what happens when you think too much about yourself and what others might think about you. You may have a constant,  internal dialogue running where you are very focused on other people's - perceived - critical perception.  You may worry that other people notice everything about you that you don't quite like about yourself. There is a constant monitoring for harm that others may do to you. Being on the lookout for harm creates particular, defensive behaviour patterns that may inadvertently further feed into the idea that other people may not like you.Often too much thinking entails having repetitive, obsessive thoughts. In this episode we talk about ways of engaging differently with unhelpful and unpleasant thoughts and recognising that you do have choices when it comes to your own interpretations of a situation. First of all, your choices need to be recognised.If you enjoy our podcast, please leave us a review. For Apple Podcast this is most easily done via your iPhone. If you have an android phone, please leave a review on Amazon, Spotify, iTunes or any  other platform that you are using.Suggestions for a podcast? We'd love to hear from you. Please email us at info@therelationshipmaze.comThe Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcasts:How to Deal With Obsessive Thoughts In Your Relationship? - In Conversation With Kimberly MorrowRumination - When You Are Thinking Too Much

In episode 102 we discuss what co-dependency looks like and what the likely causes for this presentation might have been. Co-dependency is a term that describes a relationship where one partner needs the other, who in turn needs to be needed. A person who is co-dependent works extremely hard at pleasing their partner; they generally only feel worthy if they are making strong sacrifices for their partner. Behaviour patterns and attitudes that play out in co-dependent relationships can touch on a wide range of psychological presentations and abusive relationship patterns: low self-esteem, lack of identify, insecure attachment style, trauma or domestic abuse. A person who is co-dependent will often struggle to identify their own needs or feelings, often minimising their own emotional experiences. They tend to be outer, rather than inner directed, seeking validation and approval from others. Their self esteem tends to be very low. Co-dependents often comprise their own thoughts or values and tend to avoid any form of perceived conflict. Often they may find themselves in relationships where they stay far too long, even if the relationship proves to be harmful to them. In terms of their attachment style co-dependents tend to be insecure. If anxious-preoccupied they either attempt to control the relationship or they tend toward avoidant-dismissive behaviour suppress emotional expression.If you enjoy our podcast, could we kindly invite you to leave us a review. For Apple Podcast, it's easiest to do if you have from your iPhone; for android phones it's easiest to leave a review on Amazon, Spotify or any other podcast platform you may use.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

You may find that you often chose partners that are not necessarily the best choice for you. Why is it, for example that children of alcoholics or children of abusive parents often find themselves in similar relationships as adults? The child of an alcoholic find a partner who drinks too much, the child of emotionally unavailable parents choses a partner who is not emotionally present, children of narcissists make sure they find a narcissistic partner. As children we learn everything there is to learn about relationships from our primary care takers and other influential people. Early experiences of love, no matter how loving the parents, always comes with some aspects of pain or frustration: for example a sense of not being quite good enough, not getting the attention you crave, having to care for a vulnerable or depressed parent or mediating between quarrelling parents.  In adulthood, we are replicating familiar relational patterns with our partners.  We often turn down partners who don't display those qualities that we associate with love, however dysfunctional they may be. The qualities may be 'positive' or 'negative'. Above all, they need to be familiar to us and offer us the possibility of a reparative experience.Our unconscious search for the familiar means that we are often drawn to partners who are similar enough to our primary care takers. Seemingly they offer us the potential of re-creating and healing old childhood dramas. On the other hand, these objects of our desires are also dissimilar enough to offer us the potential for a more healing experience.  Frequently, a nice' partner who doesn't offer an adverse experience is often seen as a less valuable partner: only a partner who is won over with hard work and eventually convinced that you are worthy is a worthy partner for you.Understanding your relational template will help you not only to chose wisely when finding a partner, it will also help you to identify what your needs are and how you can address some of these needs yourself.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Do you struggle with compromising in your relationship? Making compromises can be very challenging; it's not always easy to establish a middle ground between you and your partner's wishes and to create a win/win situation for both of you.Regardless of how close you and your partner are you, are bound to experience differences of opinion which will lead to disagreements. Your mutual ability to compromise is a crucial factor in being able to bridge these differences.For many couples compromising relates to a perceived power struggle in the relationship; partners often think of compromising as giving in to their partner's demands and giving up on their own wishes.  You may want to reflect on how you witnessed your parents' ability to compromise and what you have learned about compromising as a concept. Frequently, knowing how to compromise has not been learned.Compromising entails trying to understand why your partner's position is so important.  Thinking your way into your partner's shoes and having an empathic stance helps you to go some way into meeting your partner's needs while not necessarily giving up on your own. Compromising does not entail giving up on your values.Ideally both partners need to step into the direction of the other; you are not giving in or giving up but are open to finding a way forward that is acceptable or even pleasurable to both of you.Conflict resolution often demands finding compromises where the solution may entail finding a 'third way': not 'your way' or 'my way' but 'our way', a co-created way forward. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.

Do you struggle with decision making and often worry about making the right or wrong decision? In today's episode we talk about the challenge of being 'condemned to freedom' (Jean-Paul Sartre): because we world is not well structured, predictable and sometime groundless our existence is fundamentally not secure. We try to mitigate this lack of security through making  the 'right' kind of choices. However, every 'yes' that we make in one situation is always an automatic 'no' to another choice. Freedom can be overwhelming, on a micro level this may mean struggling to chose the right kind of pasta on a shelf with 30 different offerings or on a bigger level, choosing the right partner when dating. Unless there is a clear structure in place that tells you what to do, you will have to make your own choices.The decision making process for many people is very difficult because they often worry about the 'what ifs': 'what if I get this wrong and lose everything' or 'what if there is another potential partner who has more to offer?' Every action requires a decision and if you are chronically worried about making the 'right' decision this can be an agonising experience. At the more extreme end it can lead to compulsions which are a more rigid attempts to avoid imagined catastrophes. Compulsiveness can be an avoidance of the responsibilities for choices.Freedom comes with responsibility: we take responsibility for our choices. This includes taking responsibilities for our actions and choices in relationships. And it also includes the acceptance that we have power to make our own best choices and need to learn to trust our own will.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcasts:It's Got to be Perfect - Dealing with the fallout of perfectionism

In today's episode we discuss the underlying reasons for and challenges with keeping secrets. You may keep a secret for a number reasons: you feel that it's not the right time to talk about something, you want to surprise someone, you don't want to burden someone, you feel ashamed about an action or event in the past or you want to protect yourself from the potential responses of others.Your secret may be a 'delicious' one, e.g. you are pregnant and delighted but want to wait three months with your announcement until you know the pregnancy is viable. Or your secret may be a shameful one, e.g. one of your earlier sexual experiences left you feel bad about yourself, a part of you may feel disgusting, unworthy or reprehensible.'Shame is a soul eating emotion' (Carl Gustav Jung).  Keeping a secret means hiding away information. Often secrets are kept because a person is carrying a sense of shame about something that they (or a family member) has done in the past. They worry that this action reflects badly on them and that they won't be liked if the secret is revealed. Frequently, the very shameful thing that needs to be hidden away or concealed is significant, momentous and meaningful to the person who keeps the secret. When revealed it may not seem so momentous to another person. When there is shame involved, secrets have to be treated with care.Have any suggestion for podcast topics? Get in touch with us at info@therelationshipmaze.com.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcasts:Unfinished business - when you haven't said what needs saying

Is this you:  there are too many demands made on you, you have to juggle too many tasks, you don't know where to start? Is it all simply too much at times?In today's episode we discuss what happens when you are overwhelmed and what you can do to address this situation.When you are overwhelmed your body and mind are in state of threat. Your fight/flight/freeze responses kick in manifesting either in anger (fight), procrastination (freeze) or avoidance (flight). The challenge in this situation is that your thinking is short circuited: your body mobilises for survival. Your sympathetic nervous systems is activated and your brain's main function is to enable you to survive through instinctual behaviour. When we are overwhelmed the threat is perceived rather than real. It feels real to us, of course, and it may well entail real consequences if tasks at work are not completed, however, we are not at risk of dying. In the grip of overwhelm we have to learn to ride the tidal wave that washes over us rather than getting drowned by it. The task is to develop a new attitude towards our stressors: accepting that we experience them and learning to respond differently to them.We discuss some ways in which you may address feelings of overwhelm more effectively.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively and addressing common relationship problems in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.We look at common causes of relationship problems and offer solutions. Learn how to address relationship problems and questions without breaking up.Related podcasts:What happens when you 'lose your mind'? - How understanding the structure of your brain helps in conflict situations

In today's episode we look at some of the signs or indicators that your partner or the person you are dating has a secure attachment style. Why does it matter that your partner has a secure attachment? Research shows that it only takes one secure partner in the relationship to make the relationship overall stable. We discuss what a secure or insecure attachment looks like. A person with a secure attachment style is likely to have had previous experiences of relationships, primarily in their family of origin, where they were loved and cared for as well being encouraged to stand on their own two feet and explore the world independently.Indicators that someone has a secure attachment include for example that they are able to be trusting of others, they can express themselves emotionally,  they are open to others and can make adjustments based on their experiences, they can assess whether a relationship 'feels' right and whether another person is trustworthy.In a secure relationship there is closeness and connection as well as the capacity to be separate from each other and to remain two individuals. If you are with a secure partner they are more likely to tolerate and cherish your differences.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.Related podcasts:Mentalization and attachment- how to create a secure relationshipHow does your attachment style influence your mindset? - Security, insecurity and rigidity in relationships and datingHow learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship

In today's episode we discuss how feelings of low self worth and self esteem may influence your partner choice and your relationships. Often people are attracted to partners who seem confident or have high levels of self esteem as a way of compensation for your own feelings of not being worthy. You may choose a confident partner in order to have higher self esteem by proxy. When your self esteem is low you are likely to experience deep seated feelings of shame. Often these feeling stop people from looking for a partner in the first place.While relationships can offer a healing experience where you learn that you are loveable, feelings of low self worth or self esteem are usually deep rooted and may resurface again and again. Thinking and feeling  that you are not good enough is usually learned through earlier experiences. These beliefs need to be brought into awareness, reviewed and can then be challenged and changed.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.Related podcast:Social Anxiety - what you experience and how to address it

Today we are talking about boredom in your relationship, a sense of sameness, predictability, dullness and flatness. You may ask yourself: is it normal to be bored in a relationship or marriage? Boredom as a symptom can have different root causes: it may be a sign that feelings are suppressed in the relationship or it may simply be down to having completely different interests. You may want to ask how you bore yourself. If you feel bored or that the relationship is not bringing enough excitement, you may want to reflect on your contribution to this situation. How can you bring more life into your relationship?Do you have an expectation that relationships are exciting all the time? Do you crave the drama of conflict? For some people, having a relatively stable relationship can be experienced as boring. If you are dating and think of lots people as boring you may reflect on your expectations of relationships and partners. Boredom can be an anxious response; you may feel stuck and struggle to generate new impulses in your life. Often we numb our senses in order to avoid dealing with the very things that we find challenging.We discuss some ways in which you can get out of boredom in your relationship. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.

In today's episode we talk about dissatisfaction. What causes low or high level frustration in your relationship? Do you often think that your partner does not quite offer you what you want? Chronic dissatisfaction that does not get addressed can lead to resentment, constant bickering and possibly to the end of the relationship. We discuss where the dissatisfaction comes from. Causes can be manifold and are not often pinpointed. It's helpful to identify whether this feeling is something that originates in us, our partners or in the dynamic of the relationship. Dissatisfaction can be a manifestation of an insecure attachment style; we discuss how either an avoidant-dismissive or anxious-preoccupied can lead to dissatisfaction in the relationship. There is an underlying anxiety that your partner is not quite giving you what you need or that your partner is not trustworthy.When both partners are frequently dissatisfied they might have got into a particular pattern and cycle together. This is true especially if one partner is anxious and the other avoidant. Often dissatisfaction does not get addressed appropriately. One or both partners blame each other rather than looking at the underlying issues and at the relational patterns that have been established together. We discuss what action needs to be taken to voice your frustrations in a way that your partner can engage and hear what you have to say.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.Related podcasts:Conflict - Do you argue effectively with others?How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship

In today's episode we discuss anger in relationships: how it affects you and your partner. Anger can of course be a significant problem in your relationship if it is out of control. Anger can take many forms; it can be outer or inner directed. Unexpressed anger that is always held in can manifest as depression or self harm. In relationships where partner A is always angry it may also be the case that their role is to hold the anger in the relationship; they may express their partner B's anger on their behalf.Anger is a threat response in the wider sense; you are in fight mode and are responding to a perceived threat. You will anger in your body: your heart rate increases, you breathing may become more shallow, you may have sweaty palms, you have tunnel vision and many other symptoms.  If you can find the triggers for your anger you can address it more effectively: e.g. it might be your partner's tone of voice that sets you off. Our memories are emotional state dependent. A situation in the present can trigger memories of past situations where you felt slighted or undermined. We discuss how you may manage your anger more effectively, for example by learning to control your breathing or by practicing visualisations.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.Related podcasts:How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better.

In today's episode we talk about the difficulty of not being able to express 'negative' feelings, behaviour or experiences in your relationship as one of the main relationship problems. This lack of expression is often driven by a fear of upsetting your partner or and ultimately losing your partner, in particular if you regard conflict as dangerous. Sitting on your frustrations can lead to resentment. Often frustrations find expressions in low level attacks which may be described as bickering, as passive aggressive attacks or sulking.  This can be particularly hard for children who frequently get triangulated to take pressure out of the system. People come to couples counselling often when these patterns are very set in. Ideally it would be a good idea to learn to communicate your frustrations early on in the relationship. This can be learned. Expressing frustrations in your relationship in a way that enables your partner to listen will create more closeness and intimacy in your relationship. If you are currently single and looking for a relationship this is a good time to start thinking about your communication style. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. You can find a link on our website: https://therelationshipmaze.com.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course:  https://therelationshipmaze.com/relationshipconflictvsl2.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.Related Relationship Maze podcasts:Conflict - Do you argue effectively with others?Do you get drawn into other people’s relationship struggles? Or do you draw someone in to yours?

In today's episode we are talking with therapist and author Kimberly Morrow, who wrote Face It and Feel It: 10 Simple (But Not Easy) Ways to Live Well with Anxiety and CBT for Anxiety: A Step-By-Step Training Manual for the Treatment of Fear, Panic, Worry and OCD.Kimberly specialises in working with anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD); in today's episode she discusses  how anxious, compulsive thoughts can impact on relationships. OCD means that the very thing you worry excessively about is something that is really important to you and that you value. It is not your actual truth. For example, an obsessive thought in a relationship might be 'what if I don't love him'. The compulsion then becomes to doubt all the time. OCD is often called the 'doubting disease'. OCD always wants to get to certainty; it needs to make sure. However, this certainly may never be reached and you will need to accept a level of uncertainty and acceptance. OCD can be treated well; one of the most helpful treatment is Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP). In this therapeutic approach you are encouraged to face your fears and address your obsessive thoughts without getting overwhelmed.  Kimberly explains how this approach works.  She talks us through the steps of working with somebody who experiences OCD. If you are in a relationship with a partner who struggles with OCD you  need to learn to respond to your partner's OCD in a helpful way.Other helpful approaches to treat OCD are Acceptance and Committment Therapy or Inference Based Therapy.For further information check out the website that Kimberly mentions in this episode: NOCD. If you are in the US, you can find therapists here who are trained specifically work to with OCD.Kimberly Morrow, LCSW helps people live well with anxiety using compassionate, evidenced-based treatment. She has been in private practice in Erie, PA for 30 years. Kimberly earned the Clinician Outreach Award and the Member of Distinction Award from the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. She is a graduate of the International Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation’s Behavior Therapy Institute. She serves on the board for OCD Pennsylvania.  Kimberly is co-owner of Anxiety Training, which provides online training for therapists and schools to provide evidenced based treatments for anxiety and OCD.  She authored Face It and Feel It: 10 Simple (But Not Easy) Ways to Live Well with Anxiety and co-authored CBT for Anxiety: A Step-By-Step Training Manual for the Treatment of Fear, Panic, Worry and OCD.Books can be found on Amazon.Website: www.AnxietyTraining.com

When was the last time you experienced excitement - a sense of being thrilled or feeling very enthusiastic? Particularly in the early stages of the relationship you are likely to frequently have a sense of excitement. Excitement often feeds on novelty, eagerness, the unknown  and  anticipation.  Excitement is also associated with feeling good. When we are excited we feel mobilised in our body: the heart might be beating faster, we might have butterflies in the stomach or sweaty palms. We are in a state of physical arousal, that is not too dissimilar from feelings associated with anxiety. In the context of dating often excitement can be experienced as anxiety.We can create a feeling of excitement by using visualisation: for example imagine what it feels like to surprise your partner with a gift.Excitement often emerges when you do something that takes you away from your routine. You can consider situations or activities that are different from what you normally do. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. Related podcasts: Expectations - how you create your own relationship disappointmentI just called to say I love you - How to speak your partner's love language

Do you always try get everything right and strive to meet very high standards? Perfectionists tend to judge their self worth in relation to achieving these standards. They always worry that they are good enough. Perfectionists struggle with the impact of trying to meet unrelentingly high standards but they can't stop pursuing them anyway. Because there is always the fear or getting it wrong, perfectionists frequently struggle with procrastination: rather than starting somewhere to get a task going, they worry that they won't be doing it well enough and therefore stall.In a dating scenario perfectionists might look for a partner who meets a checklist of criteria to find an ideal partner.Perfectionists have an internalised driver somewhere along the lines that they need to try harder. They needed to prove that  they are lovable or deserving of positive attention by the parents through always getting it right, being the 'good girl' or 'good boy'.  Usually perfectionist struggle with low self esteem; there is an underlying belief that achievement equals love.Perfectionists are very outcome driven and they want to meet the outcome as soon as possible. A more helpful approach might be to follow the principles of the Japanese concept of 'Kaizen', a focus on continuous improvement and on the process of doing a task rather than a focus on outcome only.Perfectionists tend to be quite risk averse; they usually try to minimise any factors that might impair the outcome and therefore may miss out on opportunities. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. Related podcasts:How not to take your partner for granted - gratitude and appreciationIncrease your self-esteemI'm ok, You're ok - the foundation of healthy relationships

In today's episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Tracy Dennis-Tiwary, author of 'Future Tense.: Why Anxiety is Good For You (Even Though it Feels Bad). Tracy A. Dennis-Tiwary, Ph.D. is a researcher, entrepreneur, and author of the book Future Tense: Why Anxiety is Good for You (Even Though it Feels Bad), Harper Wave, 2022. She is a professor of psychology and neuroscience, Director of the Emotion Regulation Lab, and Co-Executive Director of the Center for Health Technology at The City University of New York, where the mission is to connect researchers, community stakeholders, and technology innovators to bridge the healthcare gap.  Tracy highlights that anxiety has got an (undeserved) bad press: because it feels uncomfortable, we should get rid of it. 'Anxiety as disease' - an idea that has been propagated by the mental health profession for years, is setting us up to failure and stops us from engaging with the useful aspects and gifts that anxiety has to offer us. There is evidence now that the  disease model of mental illness does not work. In the past everyone talked about stress; now we talk about anxiety.Tracy talks about parenting children effectively. Often parents assume that their children are fragile. The opposite is true: children have antifragility.  If you don't strain muscles they will atrophy. The same is true for emotions. Children need to learn the skills to sit with their anxiety and other emotions that they may struggle with.Tracy also discusses the difference between being a perfectionist and a pursuer of excellencism. Excellencism involves setting yourself high standards but not getting overly frustrated if these standards are not met. The conversation ends with Tracy describing the three key principles that you can take away from making anxiety your ally.As PAs Founder and CSO of Wise Therapeutics,  Tracy A. Dennis-Tiwary translates neuroscience and cognitive therapy techniques into gamified, clinically validated digital therapeutics for mental health. She has published over 100 scientific articles and delivered over 400 presentations at academic conferences and for corporate clients. She has been featured throughout the media, including the New York Times, The Guardian, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, NPR, ABC, ryBS, CNN, The Today Show, and Bloomberg Television.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

In today's episode we talk about feeling jealous and being in a relationship with a partner who is excessively jealous. Jealousy to some extent is quite normal, however, if it becomes excessive it can seriously undermine your relationship.Jealousy is driven be a perceived or real threat to the relationship. The jealous partner resents a third person for taking away their partner from the relationship. The ensuing feelings are often anger, resentment, mistrust,  hostility, restlessness or bitterness.  If it becomes excessive jealousy can lead to controlling and coercive behaviour in a relationship. Jealousy can be a sign that there is an underlying problem with differentiation. A jealous partner often desires an emotionally fused relationship and struggles to maintain a strong sense of self. Jealousy is often driven by low self esteem. Your partner can't really love you because you yourself believe that you are not lovable.Jealousy can of course also be driven by previous, negative experiences.The starting point to manage jealousy, is to notice your feelings first and to understand where they are coming from.  You can then assess whether there really is a threat to the relationship or not.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz. Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course. Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship.  Related podcasts: How differentiated are you? The key signs that indicate your level of success in a relationshipExpectations - how you create your own relationship disappointment

Do you find yourself stuck in repetitive, usually negative, thinking about a particular situation, experience or behaviour? Rumination is the unpleasant experiencing of obsessively going over the same old thoughts again and again. Too much rumination stops us from being present.Rumination keeps you stuck - you worry about an issue but don't actually help to address it.Often rumination relates to habitual underlying, negative thoughts or core beliefs that reinforce an idea of us not being 'good enough'.Frequent, repetitive, obsessive thoughts are mostly rooted in earlier, often traumatic or troublesome events.  On the continuum of rigidity and chaos in life, a person who ruminates a lot tends to be very rigid: it's a defensive, frozen position to protect themselves from perceived threats.In this podcast we talk about the potential root causes of rumination and how to address these troublesome thoughts.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

How do you feel about arguments in your life? Do you tend to find them deeply uncomfortable, terrifying or do you enjoy a good argument and consider arguing a good way of clarifying your mutual expectations? Are you aware of your argument style? You can take our short Argument Style quiz to find out more about your style of arguing. In today's session we talk about conflict in relationships. Depending on your own experiences in the past you are likely to relate to conflict as deeply troubling or more neutrally as a natural experience in any relationship.  If you have children, the way that you manage conflict in your relationship is absolutely crucial. Get it wrong over a long period of time and you can cause a lot of long lasting harm.Often you argue about something on the surface, e.g. your partner coming home late, but you may actually experience a frustration that goes much deeper than the situation would call for.  You might be very good at bringing up frustrations in your relationship and communicating them clearly to your partner or you may struggle with this. You may experience your partner's communication as deeply difficult. There is much to explore about arguing and communicating effectively. We have developed a short course - Stop Arguing, Start Loving - where we talk about the underlying causes of arguments, reasons why you argue and ways of managing arguments more effectively.  We aimed it at parents but the course is relevant to anyone. Find out more about the reasons for your argumentsLearn to manage strong feelingsUnderstand the patterns of communication in your relationshipLearn strategies to resolve conflict more effectivelyThe course has lots of activities where you can explore challenges in your relationship that lead to arguments and also find better ways of communicating with each other. We believe that learning to manage conflict well in relationship is particularly important if you have children.

Do you often find that your relationships don't live up to your expectations? Expectations are predictions about the future.  You are likely to have an idea in your mind about what your relationship should look like, how your partner should behave and how you would feel in a relationship that is going well. Some of these ideas are part of your awareness, others aren't. A lot of your ideas relate to the wishes and dreams that you have. Expectations are born out of the gap between dream and reality.Disappointment requires careful pre-planning. The more you visualise and expect things to turn out in a particular way, the more likely you are to be disappointed. On the other hand if you never visualise and hope for great things you would not feel motivated at all.We discuss the balance between having expectations that you should have, that are realistic and those that set you up for likely failure. Expectations tie in to your attachment style.Expectations in relationships need to be brought out in the open and communicated. If you can clarify what you both want and need from your partner and the relationship overall you are more likely to head off a lot of disappointment. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

In today's episode we talk about the importance of being fully present with your partner and how you might be working on achieving this. We spend a lot of time thinking about the future or the past. Worries about future uncertainties or troublesome past experiences often take us away from being in the present moment. Often we overreact to a certain experience because we are conflating past and present. We attach old meanings to our current experiences.  Often these meanings or interpretations don't actually fit what is going on right now. Being present entails the capacity to think about our thinking, to be able to reflect on our feelings and reactions.With awareness of the present moment you respond more appropriately to situations.In this episode we talk you through some activities you can try out to bring yourself more into the present moment and to develop more self awareness. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

Many people wonder whether their relationship is worth persisting with. They might not be entirely happy with their partner's view points, their mannerisms or some of their behaviours.  They may not feel attracted enough. In today's episodes we consider whether you may be leaving your relationships too soon, not giving them enough time to fully explore whether you might be on to a good thing here.Relationships go through different stages and the question about staying or going often emerges either very early on, after a few dates, or after the initial honey moon phase. Often, the question of leaving arises when there is a big gap between your idealised version of a partner and the actual reality of the person in front of you. In particular, if your attachment style tends to be on the avoidant-dismissive side you are more likely to leave relationships sooner rather than later. In this podcast episode we consider the factors that matter in relationships and also some of those that may indicate that your relationship is in trouble.You might also want to listen to our podcast episode on Red flags in relationships- 23 signs that you are in trouble.And you can find out more about our comprehensive course the Relationship Maze here.  We cover all aspects of relationships and help you to develop a satisfying, fulfilling relationship.  the course is for you if you are single and dating or if you are already in an established relationship.The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

Do you feel completely exhausted a lot of the time and do you struggle with low motivation and a sense of hopelessness? In today's episode we are looking at the symptoms of burnout, a term that was coined  by the psychologist Herbert Freudenberger in the 1970s. Burnout is not a medical term but describes a cluster of symptoms that are experienced on a physical, emotional and behavioural level. Burnout is not the same as stress; it is usually the end result of too much stress. While stress usually involves having too much of something (work, tasks, demands), burnt out often presents as  having too little: too little motivation, hope, energy or care.You may well be experiencing burnout when you display any of the following physical symptoms: feeling exhausted and drained, getting ill a lot - having a compromised immune system, struggling to sleep, over- or under- eating or you are getting frequent headaches, stomach pain or muscle ache.Emotional signs that you are in the grip of burnout may include: experiencing low self esteem and high self doubt, feeling lonely in the world, feeling helpless and hopeless, having a negative view point most of the time and experiencing little joy or feeling quite detached from the world.In terms of behaviour you may be withdrawing from people, start to use alcohol or drugs to cope, having lower tolerance for others, getting irritable or skipping work. The first step to manage burnout is to notice the lead up to it. You need to recognise it, reverse it by learning to manage stress more effectively and to build more resilience to stress by taking care of yourself. Burnout will inevitably affect your relationship. When burnt out you struggle with connection. The Relationship Maze courses:What is your argument style? Find out in our short quiz.Struggling with a lot of conflict and arguments in your relationship? Learn about communicating effectively in our Stop Arguing, Start Loving mini course.Learn everything you always wanted to know about building and maintaining  loving relationships in our comprehensive course The Relationship Maze, starting with understanding yourself in relationships to understanding your partner and understanding what makes for a successful relationship. 

In episode 79 of The Relationship Maze we talk about the importance of gratitude and appreciation. How often do you actively stop and notice the things in life that make you feel good - a friendly exchange with the postwoman, fresh green leaves on the trees outside your house or a hug by your partner? How often do you let others, including your partner, know that you like what they said or did for you? Feeling gratitude and expressing appreciation are important in relationships as well as other walks of live. Research shows that focusing on those aspects of life that fill you with gratitude improves your overall wellbeing as well as your mental health. We are hard wired with a bias towards negative experiences.  Therefore focusing on positive experiences or those that we consider to be pleasurable requires some practice. People who regularly and continuously count their blessings are shown to lead happier lives and are less likely to experience depression.While we do not want to diminish or belittle the challenges that you might face in your present life or that still echo from your past, we would like to highlight that in parallel to addressing these difficulties (e.g. through counselling), there is room to focus specifically on the little things in life that provide you with pleasurable experiences.Equally, if you have had pleasurable experiences with your partner do you let them know? How often do you tell your partner or other people in your life that you appreciate their presence, support, love or kindness?Both, gratitude and appreciation, contribute significantly to building and maintaining a health relationship where both partners feel noticed, appreciated and valued. 

In today's episode we discuss the concept of mentalising: our ability to understand what goes on in our own and another person's state of mind. Mentalising is something that we learn when growing up. The better our primary caretakers are at tuning in and paying attention to our physical and emotional needs as a child, the better we are as adults to reflect on our own thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as those of others. Mentalising means that we can step outside of our self and look in: what am I feeling/thinking/doing and why? And why is my partner responding in this way? What's going on for them?Mentalising is a skill we learned as well as an attitude. Those who are good at mentalising are good at emphathising and in this process they also learn something about themselves. Good mentalisers are interested and curious in other people and what makes them tick.Couples in distress usually struggle with their mentalising capacities. They are often not in tune with their own states of mind and they struggle to engage with their partner's inner landscape. Stress is the enemy of mentalisation. Our brain goes offline and we are simply acting in survival mode losing connection to others.

Today we discuss the top relationship problems that affect couples the most. We look at ways in which these problems manifest and at possible ways of addressing them. We discuss 10 items plus one bonus one. 1. Arguments: disagreements in any relationship are entirely to be expected. However, if the relationship is dominated by endless and repetitive arguments, then you may want to stop and consider what the typical contentious issues are in your relationship and to also think about the underlying causes. We are currently developing a mini course on effective arguing. Watch this space. -2. Lack of connection: When you never find time to sit down and find out about your partner's experiences, then there is little engagement with your partner, the relationship will be suffering in the long run. Connections needs to be paid attention to and actively nurtured. -3. Stress: Too much stress is the enemy of connection. When we are stressed we are too wrapped up in our own 'survival' and therefore cannot connect well with others. If chronically stressed then there won't be much room to empathise and understand your partner. -4. Boredom: Many couples struggle to move on from the exciting hay days of the honeymoon period in their relationship. You start to see your partner in a more realistic light and might find it difficult to adjust to the more mundane daily routine of your life together. -5. Children: As lovely as they are, children are frequently a stressor in relationships because of different views that partner's have of parenting and the competing demands of childcare, work and time for your partner. Couples with children often play out old relationship and family patterns from their family of origin which need to be brought into awareness. -6. The wider family: You may struggle to get on with your partner's parents or siblings, finding them too interfering for example and/or your partner may not be keen on yours. The relationship with partners' wider family can frequently cause very serious difficulties in relationships. - 7. Trauma: When one or both partner's have experienced relational or developmental trauma in their lives, this is likely to impact the current relationship (unless the trauma has largely been worked through). - 8. Fidelity: If one or both partners have cheated and the understanding is that you are in a relationship where this is not acceptable, you will need to make a decision whether your relationship can survive this breach of trust or whether it's unforgivable. Affairs cause serious hurt and may take a long time to get over. Most affairs don't just happen spontaneously; if you decide to stay together there will need to be understanding on both sides whether there were any underlying issues that need addressing in order to move forward. -9. Communication: Without the ability to talk effectively to each other, you are likely to struggle in your relationship in addressing challenges you face. A key to successful communication is the capacity to listen. -10. Sex: A frequent difficulty for couples is the disparate desires for sexual contact in couples; one partner may want more contact, the other less. Many couples have relationships where sex died a long time ago. Often it is too painful and scary to address this topic openly and the couple remain silent for year. Desire and sexual contact can be re-established with exercises such as Sensate Focus. -11. Money: Couples get into difficulties over money if they money has a very different symbolic value for each partner. Money may stand for security or control for example, depending on your associations with it. - To build a strong, long lasting and satisfying relationship, sign up for our course The Relationship Maze, where we explore all of the above topics in much more detail.

In today's episode we discuss the ending of a relationship and the heart ache that follows. We are all familiar with the metaphor of the broken heart.  Many songs have been sung about the experience of being left by a loved one. There actually is such a thing as broken heart syndrome at the extreme end of the emotional and physiological pain that relationship breakups can cause. Breaking up in a relationship is a life event that we have all experienced. It is a ‘common’ experience like moving house, leaving school, growing up and yet it can be one of the most devastating and destructive experiences one has. In particular, the breakup of a long term relationship can be traumatic and give rise to a range of very strong (conflicting) feelings including rage, despair, resentment, relief, pain and an overwhelming sense of sadness. Each partner’s future feels very delicate and uncertain.The end of a relationship has frequently been described in similar terms to those losing a loved person to death. When losing a partner – particularly a long term partner - you go through various stages of grief and through a cycle of very intense emotions. In her ground breaking book on Death and Dying (1969), Elizabeth Kübler-Ross describes the stages a grieving partner goes through in their experience of losing a person they loved. Kübler-Ross’ description closely matches the emotions experienced when losing a partner:1. Denial - there is a sense of disbelief that the breakup is actually happening. You are still postponing your grief as you still hold out hope that things will work out eventually.2. Anger - the reality of what is happening has now set in. You may ask yourself why this terrible thing is happening to you. You are angry with your ex-partner for having ruined the relationship and you are angry with yourself for letting this pain happen to you. You may also be angry with others for not helping enough.3. Bargaining - at this point you may negotiate a different kind of relationship with your ex-partner, e.g. being friends from now on. Bargaining in the grief model referred to negotiating with a higher power for the situation to be different.4. Depression - you have now begun to acknowledge the reality of the situation. Feelings of sadness, regret or fear of the future may arise.5. Acceptance - at this stage there is more of an emotional detachment from the initial rawness; there is less of a sense of shock. You may slowly start to move forward in your life.The length of each these stages varies as does the order of each. Grief is not a linear process. Acceptance may be the predominant feeling, but there can still be days filled with anger or depressive feelings.

Today Tom is talking about the importance of setting goals in your relationship, or if you are single just how important it is to set goals if you want to find a fulfilling relationship.Setting goals helps you become proactive in your life rather than reactive. Taking time to reflect on what you want and taking small regular actions is crucial in order to find and create more fulfilling relationships.One model that can help with taking positive action in your life and relationships is the GROW model. The GROW model was created by Sir John Whitmore and his colleagues in the late 1980s.GROW stands for:G - Goal Here you want to consider what it is you want to work on and what you would like as a result of taking action. It is useful to create specific goals, that can also be measured, so that you can monitor your progress towards achieving them.R - RealityConsider where you are now. In order to monitor progress and use feedback effectively, it is crucial to know where you are starting from. You may consider many different elements in your current situation, including what actions you have taken so far, what your current motivation is and also any things holding you back from getting the results you want.O - OptionsHere you want to brainstorm lots of different options regarding how to achieve your goal.It can really help to make sure when you come up with options to avoid judging them, just write them down.After you've created lots of options, then you can start to consider the advantages and disadvantages of the different options.W - WillHere you basically commit to action. Choose the options that you will act on and decide when you will start. You can rate the different options according to your level of commitment.Taking action as soon as possible is always best and making sure that the steps you take action on are not too big. Small steps that are achievable lead to huge results over time.After this podcast, take time to reflect on what goals you want to set and take action on in the area of relationships.If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'If you want more information related to a specific podcast episode check out The Relationship Maze podcast page. 

In today's episode we talk about blaming others and being at the receiving end of blame. Do you often blame our partner or other people you go on a date with?Couples often blame their partner for things that go wrong in their life. Often one partner criticises the other aggressively and the other partner defends or withdraws. The more one defends or withdraws, the more the other protests and continues blaming. This cycle can go on for some time. Research by John Gottman shows that couples who get into a toxic blaming/defence pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of getting divorced within the first 5 years of their relationship.Do you notice that you tend to point the finger at your partner or the other person when you feel frustrated, irritated, anxious or distressed? Or do you notice that you always defend? Constant defensiveness can be an underhand way of blaming the other person too.When we blame the other, we usually discharge some form of pain. Often the blaming partner does not feel heard, understood or cared for. Sometimes we pass on unpleasant feelings that we cannot tolerate ourselves to our partner. For the person who is always at the receiving end of blame by their partner managing this can be extremely hard if their self esteem or confidence is low to begin with. Being constantly blamed is undermining and contributes to a lack of trust in oneself as well as the relationship. Frequent blame in the relationship is a sign of disconnection. The opposite of blaming is taking responsibility of your own actions and being accountable. You can let your partner know how their actions impact on you. Rather than attacking, you can say "I feel..." or "when ......, I don't feel connected to you", or "I would love it if...."

In today's episode Angela is in conversation with Dr Marni Feuerman. Dr. Marni Feuerman is a licensed psychotherapist in private practice in South Florida. She is a nationally recognized relationship and marriage expert with specialized training in couples therapy. Dr. Marni is a frequently quoted expert in the media and content contributor. She has written for HuffPo, VeryWell.com, Dr. Oz’s ShareCare and The Gottman Institute among others. Her popular self-help book for women who struggle with repeated unhealthy relationship patterns is titled, Ghosted & Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart about Healthy Relationships.In this episode Dr Marni looks in more detail at underlying work that needs to be done when couples say they need to improve their communication.Dr Marni highlights what a healthy relationship looks like. For example, in a healthy relationships couples are able to be emotionally open and vulnerable with each other. Partners are curious about their own as well as their partner's experiences. They want to learn what's going on for their partner. The starting point in any relationship is knowing yourself. When you are self aware, you have the capacity to notice your triggers points: what makes you feel angry, disappointed, sad or frustrated? How does your partner elicit this response from you? What do you need to feel better? What can you do for yourself/what can your partner do for you?Dr Marni highlights ways of responding that enable you to get the support that you need from your partner and to learn to tune into your partner's needs. What kind of checklist should you have when looking for a partner? Dr Marni highlights the four As that can serve as red flags in a new relationship: Agenda, alignment of values, addiction, abuse.Do you want to explore the issues discussed in today's episode in more detail? Do you want to gain a better understanding of your way of being in relationships? Do you want to learn  how to build an emotionally fulfilling relationship? All of these questions get addressed in great detail in our self paced online course, The Relationship Maze. Find lots of instructional videos and plenty of activities that help you gain more understanding of your needs and those of your partner.

Social anxiety affects large numbers in society. Judging by current trends it is on the rise and affects in particular but not exclusively people in  their 20s.  Social anxiety is the persistent and troublesome fear that other people will judge you (negatively), that you won't be able to engage with others or that you will say or do something that will leave you humiliated or ashamed.Social anxiety is much more than just feelings of shyness; it is 'shyness on steroids'.  Also, people who are introverted don't necessarily struggle with social anxiety. Introversion is a personality trait but not a mental health condition.Because of the intensity of the fear those struggling with social anxiety will often attempt to avoid the very situation that causes the fear in the first place. This creates difficulties if you are looking to meet a partner and are highly fearful of being exposed in a dating situation.We briefly talk about the brain science behind anxiety, in particular the role of the amygdala, the small almond shaped region in your brain that controls fear responses. In people with social anxiety there is a significant  increase in amygdala responses.The only way to address social anxiety is to create experiences that show you that your underlying assumptions about a social situation may not be true. The more you lean into situations that are scary for you, the more you will eventually lose the fear of these situations.  In therapy, anxieties are usually addressed through gradual 'exposure' to the very situation that you invest with so many negative associations. Often socially anxious people are fearful of not having anything to talk about when going on a date. As a conversation starter you may want to look at the New York Times The 36 Questions that Lead to Love - some of the questions are quite intimate, others are great for exploration and to initiate a discussion that may be quite interesting.If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship.Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze'If you want more information related to a specific podcast episode check out The Relationship Maze podcast page. 

Are you or your partner affected by trauma in your life? Trauma has a profound effect on our overall wellbeing and in this episode we explore some of the ways in which trauma may impact you. The term 'trauma' often gets used in colloquial language to indicate high levels of stress. While it is true that all traumatic events are stressful, we cannot say that all stressful events are to do with trauma.  The impact of trauma can often manifest many years later. We distinguish between single event trauma, e.g. a car accident, an operation, war, loss in the family, witnessing a horrific crime, a natural disaster and developmental/complex trauma which happens over a period of time and is recurring, e.g. abuse, abandonment or neglect.Early symptoms of trauma can include flashbacks, hypervigilance, intrusive images, nightmares, shame and lack of self worth, mood swings, high sensitivity to sounds and light, hyperactivity, abrupt mood swings or feeling stressed most of the time.Later presentations of trauma may include panic attacks, avoidant behaviour, addiction, being attracted to dangerous situations, hyper sexual activity, self harm, struggle with memory and often a difficulty to connect with other people. In this episode we briefly talk about ways of enabling you to stay within your 'Window of Tolerance' (Daniel Siegel), i.e. the mental and physical state where you are feeling calm, relaxed and well. Trauma is experienced in your body.  The body holds our memories of trauma. It often manifests in a number of physical symptoms like chronic pain, stomach problems, fatigue, lowered immune system, skin disorders and many other presentations. Trauma affects the way that you relate to other people. With early developmental trauma you may not remember exactly what happened to you but you may have learned for example that the people close to you are not trustworthy or reliable. This implicit memory will then  still play out in your current relationship.  Paradoxically, we are often drawn to situations that replicate the original trauma.If you or your partner have experienced trauma, we recommend that you find a trauma focused therapist. Effective trauma therapy works with body and mind. If you would like to create greater connection with your partner or would like to create a strong and solid relationship, we invite you to our comprehensive online relationship course. The course draws on our years of experience as therapists working with individual clients and couples. 

In today's episode we are in conversation with Dr Ilene Strauss Cohen  - https://doctorilene.com - psychotherapist, author of five award winning self-help books and above all mother to two lively daughters.  Ilene's publications   include her most famous book, 'When It’s Never About You', and her new book, 'Anxious for Answers'. She’s a regular contributor to Psychology Today, with dedicated readers numbering in the millions. In the discussion with Ilene we talk about life transitions and family as systems. How does a big change in a couple's or family's life impact on everyone?  We discuss how the arrival of the child impacts on a couple. Having a first child is one of the biggest changes that happens to the couple relationship, yet many couples are often very unprepared for this big life change.Another big life event that has a huge and often transformational impact on a family is the death of a family member.  This is particularly true if this family member was very influential. Ilene explores some of the idea of Bowen's Family Systems Theory. Couples and families are emotional units where each member impacts the other and is interdependent. If there is change at one end of the system, it will affect everyone else. Ilene also highlights how to manage anxiety in the couple system. Couples in conflict are often in a high state of anxiety and need to regulate this first before they can resolve the conflict.

The questions 'Do I really love the person I am with?' or 'Do I still love my partner?' are often asked in therapy.  In the early stages of the relationship one or both partners might be unsure whether they have made the right choice. In a more established relationship where there is a lot of conflict, partners may start to question whether there is still love in the relationship.There is no one definitive definition of what love is; love can be defined from a biological, sociological or psychological perspective. In our earlier podcast What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love we discuss the many forms that love can take. We are often presented with ideas about love that present us with an unattainable ideal. Love in romantic films is often portrayed as the end goal of an arduous journey; once we are at the end point we will live happily ever after. When loving another person we make an active choice; we decide that we are deeply interested in the other person and that we continue to be open to the process of engagement with the other.  Love is not a finished product but a continual process. When loving someone we opting in; we have to want to love someone.In this episode we discuss how your drivers and attachment style also come into play when feeling unsure about loving another person.If you want to explore in more detail how you function in relationships, head over to our comprehensive course, The Relationship Maze. We help you understand yourself and your partner, improve your communication skills  and work on building a long lasting, loving relationship. Here's what one of our subscribers had to say about the course: 'I found the strategies suggested enabled me to see myself differently and explain why repeated approaches to relationships always had the same outcome. A real “light bulb” moment for me. There is a great wealth of material available on this site - such great value for money. I highly recommend The Relationship Maze' If you want more information related to a specific podcast episode check out The Relationship Maze podcast page. 

In today's episode we discuss common fears that come up when it comes to making a decision about your partner. We also talk about the challenges that arise if one or both partners opt out of or question their commitment to the relationship and their partner.What does the term 'commitment' conjure up for you? For many people the idea of committing to another person brings up a lot of fear. Frequently there may be an association with being trapped or stuck. Difficulties with committing to a relationship may be down to a fear of being tied down to a relationship and partner that does not feel safe. If your earlier relationship templates in life have primed you to expect trouble in intimate relationships or if you have learned that relying on another person can be risky, you are likely to be very cautious at the idea of making yourself vulnerable and having dependency needs. In particular an avoidant-dismissing attachment style is often associated with partners who are masters at defending against intimacy.Committing to another person and a relationship with this person means saying 'yes'. That does not mean that you have to agree to everything that your partner brings and that you cannot disagree. In fact, you frequently will. Fundamentally, committing to the relationship is a stance of openness to the other person.The process of committing to another person can happen relatively quickly for some people, however, for others it may take a while, in particular if they have been badly hurt before. Commitment issues often arise because there is an underlying lack of trust: the trust that the other person can really be there for you. Rather than staying in the relationship which feels risky, it might feel less painful potentially for the insecure person to exit before they get hurt.Even if you have made a firm commitment to your relationship by getting married, committing to your partner is an ongoing process that doesn't just stop after the wedding vows have been exchanged. Relationships go through different stages and in any relationship there will be two people with different view points, opinions, expectations and desires. These difference will cause the occasional, or frequent, conflict. Being committed to your partner and the relationship entails an openness to engage with your partner's perspective, even if you disagree with it or if it clashes with your own needs and wishes. For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, you may wonder why they are putting up with the abuse and just don't leave. You may also ask yourself this question if you are currently in a relationship that is abusive.Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour in relationships where one partner maintains power and control over the other. The abuse consists of physical, emotional, sexual, economic, psychological or spiritual acts that threaten the partner. The partner who is at the receiving end of abuse is put down, belittled, intimidated, frightened, manipulated, hurt, shamed, blamed or injured.  Domestic abuse occurs across gender, socioeconomic, ethnic, sexual, religious or cultural boundaries. Man can abuse women and women can abuse man. The same goes for anybody who identifies as non-binary. In today's episode we look at two aspects of domestic abuse: the abuse cycle and the trauma bond. We also look at the connection between an insecure attachment style and being in an abusive relationship. We use the term 'victim' or 'survivor' (this term emphasises the capacity of people who are the receiving end of domestic abuse to develop strategies that help them manage the abuse).Abuse in relationships usually unfolds gradually. The perpetrator is mostly experienced as charming, caring and loving in the early stages of the relationship.In the abuse cycle we identify four typical phases: the tension building phase, the crisis point/assault, reconciliation/honeymoon phase and the return to 'normality'/calm phase. The glue that binds together perpetrator and victim is the trauma bond (also called Stockholm Syndrome). When in a situation that is experienced as dangerous our natural instinct is to turn towards the person closest to us for soothing. In abusive relationships that very person is also the source of the threat and fear. In the emotional confusion this causes for victims/survivors, they become increasingly anxious and more and more dependent. In particular in the reconciliation phase of the abuse cycle when the victim experiences 'love bombing' by the perpetrator the victim feels soothed and reaffirmed again by their partner. There is the perpetual hope that everything will be alright again eventually.Survivors of domestic abuse tend to be in a 'freeze' state of the fight/flight/freeze response of the automatic nervous system. The safest way to survive the abuse is to 'play dead': to shut down, dissociate , deny or appease.  A nervous system that is in a chronic freeze response often leads to a number of physiological manifestations: chronic headaches, stomach pain, high blood pressure, fatigue, depression and anxiety and many other PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) symptoms.Survivors of domestic abuse are often isolated by their abusive partner. They often doubt that they are at receiving end of abuse. If you have any sense of regularly being put down, controlled, threatened, physically assaulted or made to engage in any sexual contact against your will, it helps to talk to somebody else. It is likely that you are in an abusive relationship. There are a number of organisations available that help you plan for safety as well as for housing or financial support. For further information about domestic violence and abuse and links to organisations in the UK that help please find the NHS link here.  Please check the help that is available in your country. There are many non-profit organisations available across the globe. The United Nations also has information and number of links.For further information about The Relationship Maze check out our website and

In today's episode we talk about the kind of behaviours that indicate that your relationship is in trouble. Some of these red flags require more urgent action, others may require attention further down the line. All of the flags listed below should not be ignored in the long run as they are likely to erode or undermine you and/or the relationship. Pay close attention if your partner or the person you just met displays any of the following characteristics or behaviours:They are physically or verbally violent. -They express anger or other extreme emotional reactions (prolonged, silent treatment) in a way that makes you feel unsafe. -You are concerned about their excessive alcohol and/or substance abuse. -They exceed your physical boundaries even in small ways making you feel uncomfortable. - They put you down regularly - even if done in a joking way. -They hold views that are abhorrent to you, e.g. racist, misogynistic, homophobic. - They are excessively  jealous and can’t manage to control it - e.g. they tell you what to wear, who you can see or where you can go. -They love bomb you, i.e. they make grandiose, over-the- top, expressions of love too early on. This is common with narcissists and often goes together with other toxic traits including gaslighting and emotional abuse. -They are at a very different life stage, e.g. you want kids, they want to party. -They describe all their exes in a very negative light, always blaming the other and not taking on any responsibility for their own, contributing actions. -They are highly inconsistency or noncommittal. -You experience a lack of emotional intimacy in the relationship. You can't really be open with each other. -They rely on you as the only person for emotional support for their serious mental health issues. -They don’t like it when you take time for yourself.  They require constant attention. -They ghost you frequently, early on in the relationship, disappearing and then popping up again. -They gaslight you, making you question your own judgements. -Your friends express an unusual dislike for your partner. -They are rude to other people who they perceive to have less power, e.g. people  in the service industry. -You feel unusually hesitant to introduce them to your friends. -Their dating profile differs significantly from the actual person in front of you. -They don’t listen to you. -They constantly require reassurance from you. -They are glued to social media all the time not paying much attention to you. -For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Today we discuss different aspects of trust: the trust you place in yourself and in other people.  We have to trust other people implicitly all the time. For example, when driving a car we trust the other drivers not to crash into us. We make predictions about what is going to happen based on our previous experiences. If these experiences have been largely positive, we are likely to have to have similar expectations of other people in subsequent situations. The same is true of negative experiences. Our experiences shape our beliefs.When dating or in the early stages of a relationship you are in a situation of vulnerability. You cannot predict yet whether the other person is going to stick around. Dating comes with a certain amount of risk.Whether you are more or less trusting in your relationships depends on your earlier experiences. If you have learned in childhood or adulthood that other people are not reliably there for you, you are likely to predict that the same will happen in your present relationships. If you have an insecure attachment style (anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive or fearful-disorganised), you will be less trusting of other people because your earlier experiences have taught you that the important people in your life are not always available to you. If you have little trust in yourself, you may frequently self-sabotage by unconsciously choosing partners who are not trustworthy. They confirm what you already think about yourself. The more trust you have in yourself, the more trust you think yourself as lovable and desirable, the more likely you are to project this out to other people. How can more trust be created in relationships? We discuss some of the ways in which you can show each other your trust.To find out more about attachment styles check out our quiz on The Relationship Maze website or listen to our earlier episode How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship.

Attending to romance in your relationship is important for at least two reasons: to keep the relationship alive, exciting and fun and to continue deepening the connection between you. Ideally you pay attention to romance not just one day in the year but throughout your relationship.Romance has different connotations for everybody; we all like to be romanced in different ways.  For some people romance is more closely associated with the idea of excitement, mystery and passion; for others it is about the deep, steady and safe bond of love.Our way of thinking about romance is influenced by the Romantic period in the 18th/19th century. As an antidote to the previous period of rationalism key features of the Romantic period where a celebration of the emotional, spontaneous, imaginative, the irrational and the mysterious often set in wild natural locations that mirrored the hero's emotional state. Think of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Height with the doomed lovers compelled to continue falling into each other's arms in the blustery winds of the Yorkshire Moors.Romantic gestures make ordinary life extraordinary. They emphasise what is special about the person you love and what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Being romantic means being attentive to your partner, showing them your care and love and noticing their love in return. Romance often takes you back to the early stages of the relationship where you were  falling in love as opposed to staying in love. These intensely pleasurable feelings of love can be conjured up when you decide to focus on them. Visual cues such as photos from this period may help you recall the honeymoon period. In this episode we talk you through an exercise in Imago Therapy by Harville Hendrix that helps you to re-romanticise your relationship to create greater and more loving connection with your partner. And finally... we love seeing our audience grow across the globe. The top cities where most of our listeners live are currently Alpharetta (US), Los Angeles (US), New York (US), Brisbane (Australia), Melbourne (Australia), Calgary (Canada), Gabarone (Botswana), Frankfurt (Germany) and the small town of  Dyserth (UK).  Big shout out to all of you! We really appreciate your support. Email us to let us know if there are any particular topics you would like to see us talk about: info@therelationshipmaze.com.For more information on each podcast go to The Relationship Maze podcast website. And to find out more about our online course on relationships go to The Relationship Maze.

Most people would regard communication as the key element of a strong relationship. Couples who start with couples therapy often say in their first session that they think they need to improve their communication skills. They believe that more talking or different ways of talking will address and improve the difficulties in their relationship.And they are right, of course. However, before any communication can take place both partners will need to have a certain willingness to talk to each other. They need to want to connect. Listen to today's episode to find out how to create more connection. <p>< <ul><li>Learn to understand what goes on for you internally.  <ul><li>- <ul><li>Learn to gain insight into your partner's state of mind.  <ul><li>- <ul><li>Know what to do when you don't feel connected at all, e.g. when you are angry. <ul><li> - <ul><li>Learn how your parent's ability to read your mind influenced your attachment style.  <ul><li>- <ul><li>Learn why openness and curiosity toward your partner are crucial.  <ul><li> <p>Connection can take place in many ways, for example by doing fun activities together or by giving each other a hug. Another key component that creates connection in our relationships is our capacity to 'mentalise'. Mentalising is the ability to 'read' or understand the state of mind of another person as well as your own.  If you can reflect on the reasons why you or the other person may be thinking or feeling in a particular way you have a better understanding of certain behaviours and may be more accepting, forgiving and ultimately understanding. Our parents' capacity to mentalise will influence our adult attachment style. If you can mentalise well you can create more connection with your partner. You can think about your thinking. You have more capacity to regulate strong 'negative'  emotional reactions and you can come to a better understanding of what makes your partner the react the way that they do.Connection requires a certain amount of willingness, openness and curiosity. I need to want to understand what my partner is experiencing and why.  This is the point where communication is key: I need to check whether my understanding of what my partner thinks or feels is right. I may think that I know but my mentalising may have been on the wrong track and may require clarification. For more information on improving your relationship or starting a new relationship head over to The Relationship Maze website.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Do you often get drawn into other people's conflict? Do you bring in a third person to alleviate stress? In today's episode we discuss an important concept from family therapy: the notion of triangulation.When we are in a situation of intense relational pressure, be it at work, with friends or our partner, we often bring in a third person to release some of this pressure. For example, if you are very frustrated with some of the demands or behaviours of your boss at work you may complain to a colleague about the unreasonable demands made on you. This temporarily releases the pressure and makes the situation more bearable. The same is true in your relationship with your partner. Triangulation can be functional or positive where it resolves the problem or it can be dysfunctional when it perpetuates the  problem. If the conflict with your partner continues over a long period of time and you always need a third person involved in your difficulties (a friend, a family member or your child) the situation can become quite pathological and unhelpful.The most important triangle in our life is our relationship with our parents. It determines our future relationships. If your parents always struggled to resolve their conflict they may have triangulated you or a sibling. You become the mediator or rescuer in the family who always tries to fix other people's problems. You become the parentified child, stepping into the role of the parent. This dynamic then get carried forward into adult relationships.In conflict situations with your partner you may unwittingly be triangulating your children or you may bring in your parents.  Your child or mum for example may then step into the stress situation to mediate and sort out the problem.In dating situations a third person may be brought into the dynamic to make you feel jealous, often destabilising your self confidence.In couples therapy the therapist gets triangulated with both partners wanting the therapist on their side.Triangulation happens all the time, however, if unchecked, it can have a devastating impact on the person who is brought into the dysfunctional relationship, for example children who get drawn into the war zone between their arguing or divorcing parents.

Have you been looking for a partner for some time now? Do you struggle with finding the right person for you - either you are not keen or the other person isn't smitten by you?Or are you in a relationship and unsure whether your partner is right for you?When dating you may find that you are often attracted to a similar kind of person, frequently someone who may not be the best match for you. In today episode we discuss whether there needs to be an initial spark when meeting someone; what might make you feel attracted to another person; why your understanding of yourself is key in relationships; how your attachment style influences your dating behaviour; your unconscious choices in selecting a partner; factors that contribute to building a long term relationship; whether you may need to develop different strategies when looking for a partner; questions you may ask yourself to determine whether your partner is right for you.If you want to find out more about projections listen to our episode from January 2021 How projection can make or break your relationship. And if you haven't listened yet to our earlier episode on attachment styles tune in to out more about how you and your date's or partner's attachment style may interact in  How learning about your attachment style can help you understand your relationship.We discuss all of these topics and much more in our online course The Relationship Maze, a comprehensive and easy to follow course that is informed by our many years of working as therapists with individuals and couples. We discuss all aspects to do with dating and relationships. 

In conflict situations we tend to step into familiar roles and often endlessly repeat the same unhelpful behaviour patterns. Karpman's Drama Triangle offers a useful model to understand the three roles that play out in these situations and what needs to be done to find a way out of these repetitive conflict scenarios.The three roles we can step into are that of The Victim, The Persecutor and The Rescuer.The person in the role of the victim feels oppressed, helpless and powerless and inferior. The stance in life is 'Poor Me'.The person in the role of the persecutor is blaming, oppressive, critical and superior. Their stance is 'It's all your fault'.The person in the rescuer role needs to help, find solutions, be supportive and allows the victim to fail. Their stance is "Let me help you'.We tend to have a preferred role that we play in conflict situations. This role was usually formed in our family of origin and is therefore very familiar. However, in the drama triangle we also switch roles from time to time when one position becomes untenable. A victim can become a rescuer or persecutor; a persecutor can become a rescuer or victim. Depending on the nature of your relationship you may be stuck in a particular familiar dance: one of you is always the victim, the other always the rescuer. One of you is always hard done by or helpless and the other needs to always support the other and enable your partner's difficulties.When stepping out of the drama triangle the aim is to act in a more adult way, rather than from the perspective of child or parent. For more background info on the adult/child/parent model listen to our podcast of 7 March 2021, How to use Transactional Analysis to communicate better.Nobody wins in being stuck in the Drama Triangle.  To step out of it you will need to develop more awareness of the role that you play and to take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviours.  Persecutors will need to learn to be more assertive rather than aggressive,  victims will need to learn to recognise their vulnerabilities and learn how to address them and rescuers will need to set more boundaries, allowing the other person to make their own decisions.We explore ways of communicating more effectively and dealing with conflict in much more detail in our online course The Relationship Maze. Check out our website to find out more and to access other resources.You can also get additional show notes on our podcast website.

Now that Christmas and New Year is behind you do you struggle with feeling sluggish, more pessimistic and less motivated than usual?  The beginning of the year is often a time when many people experience very low mood. The month of January is often associated with high levels of depressive episodes. While the idea of 'Blue Monday' is reportedly a marketing invention by a travel company many mental health organisations report a 25% in the incidence of client depression. In today's episode we discuss the difference between clinical depression and short term low mood episodes.  Our moods fluctuate all the time and a short period of low mood does not mean that we are depressed. We look at the reasons for the high number of people feeling low after Christmas. We also look at the impact of depression on individual partners as well as the couple system.For more info on approaches to addressing and treating depression please listen to our podcast of the same title on 3 May 2021.The PHQ9 is a short questionnaire which measures the severity of depression. (Depression Severity: 0-4 none, 5-9 mild, 10-14 moderate, 15-19 moderately severe, 20-27 severe). Please be advised to contact a mental health professional if your depression severity is high.We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

In this episode we talk about new year's resolutions for the incoming year. We start off by discussing the relative merits of new year's resolutions and setting yourself goals in general. You may always start the year with lots of new plans or you may not.  Is now the time to consider what matters to you in your life and in your relationships? How do your values inform the goals that you are setting for yourself, either in your relationship or in aiming to find the right relationship for you?We set goals explicitly or implicitly all the time. Goals give us a sense of direction in life. However, before setting off in trying to reach a particular goal it is helpful to consider first of all why  you might want to achieve a certain goal. What informs your desire to have a specific relationship goal?  For example, if your value is to have a close connection with your partner then you your goals should be related to this overarching value.  One of your goals could be to learn to manage conflict more effectively. Disagreements with your partner that can be addressed and resolved build more connection and intimacy in the relationship. Another goal may be to go to dance classes or to undertake other activities that bring enjoyment to the relationship and help you build connection. If you are single it would be helpful to have a clear understanding of the values that matter to you in a relationship. These values will clarify the goals that you can set yourself in going about on your partner search. We briefly discuss different goal setting models such as SMART and GROW that can be helpful in breaking down your goals and keeping you focused on getting the result that you would like to see. We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

In today's episode Angela talks about the concept of differentiation. Differentiation refers to our ability to develop and evolve psychologically, on our own and in relationships with others. In relationships we need to maintain our sense of self while also getting close to another person without losing our identity. Differentiation means we are neither emotionally fused nor are we completely separate from each either; we know who we are and we can tolerate our partner being different from us. We can be our self within the structure of an intimate relationship. The higher the level of differentiation in the couple, the more mature and successful the relationship. Angela discusses the signs that show that you are in a relationship where one or both partners are poorly differentiated. Or maybe you are in a relationship that shows  high levels of differentiation?Being locked up and thrown more closely together as a couple has been quite challenging for lots of couples during the pandemic. One indicator of a relationship that is mature and able to survive a lot of strain and stress in the relationship is the level of differentiation. Arguably a high level of differentiation in both partners is the number one indicator of a successful relationship. In a nutshell differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love. There are two forces that pull us in a different direction in every relationship:Our need for togetherness. The pull to be loved and belong, to be part of a group. In this polarity, we might choose to minimize our personal preferences or dull our traits in order to be loved by our partner.Autonomy/individuality. The pull to be myself and to follow my own directives. The need to create our own unique identify. Differentiation is higher order to togetherness and autonomy. In relationships we need both. In today’s society independence is prized above all. It is seen as as strength. Therefore there is often confusion about this in relationships. Surely, if I am more independent that’s a good thing? Independence is a very valuable but relationships also require interdependence. We all have a need to be cared for and loved.Signs that there are low levels of differentiation in the relationship includeAn excessive need for harmony and the complete avoidance of conflict.Constant fighting as both partners can only see their own position as valid. Distancing yourself from your partner based on the belief that nothing can be resolved.Leading separate lives.Spilling over into each other. One or both partners feel responsible for the feelings of the other.Signs of high levels of differentiation in a couplesHaving a strong sense of self.Being able to distinguish between feeling and thought.Knowing your own position while tolerating that of others.Solid self but permeable to others. You can take on different perspectives without ‘losing yourself’.Being able to connect with your partner without fear of being taken over by their emotion.Being able to have mutuality in the relationship: following your own path for growth as well as being concerned about your partner’s wellbeing and growth.We are adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

If you celebrate Christmas you may have all sorts of expectations of the festive days. Based on your earlier experiences of Christmas you are likely to have a number of associations with Christmas - some positive, some negative. Many couples experience Christmas as stressful for a number of reasons: giving and receiving gifts that are appropriate, concerns about spending a lot of money,  spending time with your partner's family and managing the various chores on the day(s). If you are single and spending Christmas without family, the holiday period can be experienced as intensely lonely. In this episode we discuss these potential stressors and consider ways of preparing for Christmas as best as possible.ExpectationsYou are likely to have a particular script about the way you would ideally like to spend Christmas; this may either be a wish for a corrective experience, now wanting Christmas to be the way you always wanted it to be but never quite got or a wish for the Christmas that you always had as a child and that you want to replicate as best as possible. Check with your partner what they want to avoid possible disappointments. Agree ahead of the Christmas days what you both wish for.Gifts You may have a very clear idea in your head about the kind of present you want to get for your partner. Your partner may have the same thoughts. You may find that your ideas about Christmas presents vary wildly. One of you may be used to getting very extravagant presents; the other may buy a 'small' present. There can easily be disappointments about the presents that are received. It helps to clarify from the outset what your expectations (and means) are and to agree whether you want to surprise each other or indicate what you would like to receive.MoneyMoney has a transactional value that goes beyond monetary value. Money has symbolic significance; it can stand in for love, power, success, autonomy, dependence or sexiness. Each of us has grown up with a specific concept of money depending on how it (or the lack of it) was experienced when you are growing up. Partners in relationships need to have conversations about money and how it gets managed in the relationship, in particular when living together. At Christmas disparities and different ideas about money often come to the fore. Be clear what and how you want to spend your money over the festive period if you often experience challenges in this area.The wider family - your partner's parentsYou may enjoy your partner's family/parents in which case there is no stress around spending extended time together. You may, however, find your partner's family challenging. There will need to be acceptance up to a point that your partner would like to spend Christmas with their family, however, you can also make prior agreements to have time out if and when needed. Domestic choresOften stress arises as one partner perceives to do more work in preparing for the day or hosting the event. Develop a plan with your partner agreeing who does what: who does the shopping, cooking, wrapping of presents or looking after the guests on the day.  Make a list of the various tasks ahead of time and agree who manages which taskWe would really love to hear from you. Email us to share your ideas about addressing the issues that we mention in this episode: info@therelationshipmaze.com.We are proud to be celebrating our first year of The Relationship Maze podcast. You have the one off opportunity to win FREE access to our detailed online course The Relationship Maze by joining this promotion. Click here to enter.Get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Are you aware of your attachment style in relationships? Do you know what activates you into feeling insecure in a relationship? Knowing your attachment style will be hugely beneficial in understanding how you relate to other people. In this episode we consider whether your mindset is determined by your attachment style. We ask whether an insecure attachment style is more likely to lead to a fixed mindset and conversely whether a growth mindset can contribute to changing your attachment style. We briefly discuss the four attachment styles and how they manifest in relationships: secure, anxious-preoccupied, avoidant-dismissive and fearful-disorganised. Neither attachment styles nor mindsets are set in stone - a growth mindset can contribute to developing security in relationships.Your attachment style is your specific way of relating to other people. Attachment Theory was originally developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. As a child you create an internal working model or template of relationships  based on your experiences with your primary care giver(s). As adults we carry forward these templates; they will inform what we expect of relationships and our partners and how we respond to their behaviour. While these templates are not set in stone, they originate in our childhood experiences and get confirmed or amended with subsequent experiences in adult life.The following are a very brief summary of the different attachment styles:Secure attachment You find it easy to establish strong, intimate relationships. You can share how you feel - the good, the bad and the ugly. You trust other people and are happy to both give and receive love. You can depend on your partner but also be independent. Insecure attachmentAnxious-preoccupied: you are very concerned about being abandoned by your partner - ultimately you cannot trust anybody to stick around for long. You need quite a lot of validation and reassurance by your partner and will often be experienced as 'needy' in the relationship. You spend a lot of time thinking about the relationship, constantly analysing what has been said and what this may mean.Avoidant-dismissive: you are highly independent and struggle with too much closeness to your partner. You easily feel suffocated and trapped. You cannot really trust anyone to be there for you in the long run so you may as well best rely only on yourself. You tend to keep your feelings to yourself.Fearful-disorganised: you want closeness but are also highly worried about being too dependent on anybody else. You want affection but are also highly suspicious of anybody who offers it to you. You may engage in a lot of risky behaviour and may be more likely to end up in a relationship that is violent. You struggle to regulate your emotions.Roughly 50% of adults have a secure attachment style with the remainder of the population displaying an insecure attachment, that is either anxious (20%), avoidant (25%) or fearful (5%).A relationship is secure if one partner is secure. The most common presentation in couples therapy is one where one partner is anxious and the other is avoidant. With an insecure attachment there is arguably a higher likelihood for a fixed mindset where a partner is either idealised or the relationship is experienced as threatened if any conflict arises. Conversely, a secure partner is more likely to have a growth mindset: relationships are seen as evolving, a partner's imperfection are acknowledged and not seen as threatening to the relationship overall and conflict is seen as inevitable and a possibility for learning about each other's differences.  Having a growth mindset enables the development of a secure attachment and vice versa. Both are intrinsically linked.To find out more about your attachment style and how partners with secure or insecure attachment styles interact with each other listen

Do you believe in the idea that love is either there or it isn't? Do you think that your partner is either meant to be for you or not? Do you worry that a partner who is not always as perfect as you want them to be may not be the right partner for you? In today's episode we discuss how your mindset influences your thinking about relationships and dating. The notion of mindsets was developed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck (2006). She suggested that people can take up two extreme positions in life: they either have a fixed mindset or a growth mindset. If you have a fixed mindset you believe that your own qualities or that of others cannot change; if you have a growth mindset you strongly believe in stretching yourself through learning and trying. Your mindset will determine your attitude to all aspects of life including your thinking about relationships.You can read more about mindsets in Angela's article The 2 Life Positions that Determine Whether You Are More Open to Possibilities - Are you in control of your intelligence?Carol Dweck developed the idea of mindsets originally when observing children's behaviour. She noticed that some children gave up immediately when they were faced with a challenge or a setback telling themselves that they could not do the task. Other children, however, were not troubled by setbacks but simply tried again. Dweck's coined the terms fixed and growth mindsets to describe underlying beliefs about learning and about intelligence. Her findings found particular application in the realm of parenting and education. However, fixed and growth mindsets are equally useful concepts when considering romantic relationships.Fixed mindset in relationshipsA fixed mindset means that you are more likely to think of relationships as static; you are either in the right relationship or you are not. If problems come your way, you are more prone to worry about the relationship in terms of whether it is right or not. This attitude starts at the point of dating. With a fixed mindset you weigh up whether the person in front of you is right or not. There may be a strong underlying belief in destiny. If your date is not ticking all the boxes you consider them to be the wrong partner for you. Ultimately with a fixed mindset you are more likely to be anxious about challenges. The idea of one true, ideal lover and love as a constant is of course drummed into us through fairy tale stories and romantic Hollywood movies.Growth mindset in relationshipsWith a growth mindset you accept that relationships like other aspects of life are ever changing. You view relationships as an unfolding process of development. You don't view your partner as perfect but as flawed and you work at accepting these flaws. If there are 'set backs', e.g. you have a disagreement or an argument, you consider ways to address these difficulties and you are open to learning from them. With a growth mindset you think of yourself as constantly evolving and you apply the same principle to your partner. Relationships change and they require effort.For relationships to flourish they require survival beyond the early stage of relationship (see also our podcast on Relationship Stages). Growth mindsets can be cultivated. You can learn to view relationships as challenging and joyous. As a reflection on your relationship consider the following questions:1. What in your relationship do you think is unchangeable/ what hasn't worked?2. How would you like your relationship to be/what would you like to be doing with your partner?3. What effort do you put into your relationship on a regular basis?

Understanding the structure of your brain helps you and your partner to understand what happens when you are in a state of high emotional expression, e.g. when angry or feeling under attack. We briefly discuss the three main regions of the brain: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex by using Daniel Siegel's highly visual hand model of the brain. When we feel threatened we react - that's the way our brain works. Being reactive and mobilising for fight, flight or freeze responses means we are in survival mode. In this mode we are reactive rather than receptive to our partner. In order to be open to others we need to be able to employ the thinking part of our brain, the cortex which enables us to reflect, think and connect with others. We discuss how to be able to switch from a highly reactive survival response to having the capacity again for social engagement: listening, understanding why we responded the way we did and being able to generate understanding for the other person.Our brain had three main areas: the brainstem, the limbic area and the cortex (sometimes also called neocortex). In order of visualise these three areas Daniel Siegel suggested using our hand as a model. Put your thumb in the middle of your palm and close your four fingers over your thumb. The front of your knuckles would represent the front of your face; the wrist represents your spinal cord. Lift your fingers and move your thumb away from the palm of your hand you can see your inner brainstem. When you put your thumb back and curl your fingers over it, it means that your cortex is in place and working. Most of the time when you are arguing with your partner you do so because you want to be connected, to be really understood and listened to. In order to be able to talk to each other effectively, i.e. to listen to the other and to be listened to, both partners need to be in a receptive rather than a reactive state.The bit about the human brainWhen our nervous system goes into a reactive mode our fight/flight/freeze responses get activated which make it neurologically impossible for us to be able to positively connect with another person. The parts of the brain that get activated in this state are older in evolutionary terms, the brain stem and limbic system. The old brain is hardwired for automatic reactions that don’t require thinking therefore allowing us to react very quickly when we perceive to be in danger. The sensory data from our brain gets the body into motion; it requires us to run, to fight back or to play dead depending on what seems to be the best strategy for survival at the time. We share this part of our anatomy, the “reptilian brain” (brain stem) and the “old mammalian brain” (limbic system) with all other mammals and reptiles. The new part of the brain, also called the “new mammalian brain” developed later in evolutionary terms with the appearance of primates, the cerebral cortex. In particular the frontal part of the cortex allows us to assess a situation cognitively and to moderate some of our instinctual reactions in our old brain. Our prefrontal cortex is what distinguishes humans from the rest of the animal world. The prefrontal cortex does not only enable us to think, analyse and evaluate it also allows to reflect, i.e. to have an awareness of our thoughts and feeling states.Reactive mode: Fight/flight/freezeWhile we are consciously aware to some extent of the workings of your cerebral cortex, most of the functioning of our old brain happens on an unconscious level. Our reptilian brain evaluates external stimuli in terms of whether we need to run away from someone, have sex with them, look after them, submit to them, attack them or whether we are able to be nurtured by them. These assessments are made within milliseconds.

Do you suspect that you or someone you know may be in a relationship with a partner who is narcissistic? Narcissism is a personality disorder. A narcissist has an excessive need for admiration, a distorted view of their own importance and a complete lack of empathy. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist your relationship will be toxic. In today's episode Angela talks to Dr Mariette Jansen, author of 'From Victim to Victor – Narcissism Survival Guide' and the more recent 'Rulebook of a Narcissist – Narcissism Self-help Guide’. Mariette herself was at the receiving end narcissistic abuse; she is passionate about bringing more awareness to the experience of being in this type of toxic relationship. Mariette highlights how to spot the red flags that tell you that your partner might be narcissistic and what to do if you find yourself at the receiving end of narcissistic abuse. Mariette offers practical tips on how to respond adequately to the demands of a narcissist and how to break the narcissist's rules effectively.Dr Mariette Jansen suffered for many years at the hand of narcissist abuse by her mother. She is now specialising in coaching clients who have a experienced narcissistic abuse by their partner or other people who are close.Being in a relationship with a partner who is a narcissist gradually and painfully erodes a partner's self esteem and self worth. Often this process is not noticeable to the partner who may increasingly experience a number of feelings and thoughts that tend to be very self critical. A narcissist will shower you with attention and interest in the early stages of the relationship. This 'love bombing' is very seductive and exciting. In the course of the relationship the narcissist will change their tone. They will be become critical, complaining, attacking and may also frequently engage in 'gaslighting' their partner.In this podcast we discuss how a person who is experiencing narcissistic abuse by their partner may invariably contribute and feed into the abuse. Mariette offers some practical tips on how to respond to your narcissistic partner when they are making unrealistic demands, put you down, make you question your judgement or belittle you.Not sure whether your partner is a narcissist? Mariette's checklist will give you an idea of the types of behaviour that indicate that you partner may be narcissistic.Head over to our website now where you can findFREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensive Relationship Course fornew or established couplescouples in conflictcouples preparing for marriagecouples who want to strengthen their relationshipsingles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partnerAlso, get additional show notes on our podcast website here.

Do you frequently feel that you are the only person around who is constantly giving? Do you struggle with actually taking in compliments when they are given to you? Or do you find yourself feeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention coming your way?In today's episode we discuss the importance of giving and and receiving love in a balanced way.We look at the complexities around giving: often the need to constantly give can be driven by an underlying issue with low self worth or a number of anxieties. Often there is also a correlation between giving a lot and not being able to fully receive other people's attention and care. Conversely, you may find yourself struggling with giving your partner or other people close to you the attention that they desire from you. You may also find too much attention overwhelming.Do you often find yourself in a relationship where you feel that you are the one who is constantly making all the effort? There are usually underlying reasons for finding yourself in this position. These reasons may be related toan insecure, anxious-preoccupied attachment stylea 'Please others' driverlow self esteemanxiety about losing friends or a partnerFrequently, when finding yourself giving too much to others, you take up the position of the victim in the relationship with others and make others the perpetrator.Conversely, do you find that you struggle to be very giving? Do you tend to be more withholding in relationships?The underlying reasons for your behaviour may be related to an insecure, avoidant-dismissive attachment stylefeeling overwhelmed when there is too much attention and focus on youanxiety about becoming trapped in a relationshipThere are many facets to giving and receiving love. The underlying reasons for giving too much/too little or receiving too much/too little tend to go back to earlier experiences that we had, either in childhood or in our subsequent adult relationships. In today's episode we look at some of the possible scenarios that you may frequently find yourself in.In Transactional Analysis we talk about drivers, ways in which we learned to behave to feel ok. If your driver is to 'Please others' (please see also our related podcasts Being a People Pleaser and 'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships) you are likely to have a life script that tells you that you need to always be nice to other people and do your best,  otherwise others may abandon you. You are therefore likely to overcompensate by doing and giving all you can to make sure that the other person will still be there for you. At the core there is an underlying concern that you are not really lovable enough and therefore need to work extra hard at relationships.If you learned repeatedly, usually starting in childhood,  that no matter how hard you try you won't get the attention that you desire, you may have given up on having any expectation that the love that you give will be received. You may therefore not try quite as hard anymore and you may also be quite cautious when another person is showing you a lot of attention of love.Head over to our website now where you can findFREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensive Relationship Course fornew or established couplescouples in conflictcouples preparing for marriagecouples who want to strengthen their relationshipsingl

How self aware are you? Do you know what makes you tick? Self awareness is key to building successful relationships: it helps you to distinguish between yourself and others, to understand why you might have certain perspectives and beliefs and most importantly it is the springboard to making changes in your life if necessary.In today's episodes we explore why knowing yourself is so important and how you might go about getting yourself a little better. We offer some suggestions that can get you started on your journey to self awareness and self knowledge.The ancient Greek philosopher Socrates famously stated that the unexamined life is not worth living.  Socrates was referring to the idea of living a life where you are ruled by others, have no questions about your life and its purpose and where you don't know who you are.  Not knowing yourself means that you are more likely to repeat the same old behaviours again and again - even if they don't necessarily serve you well. In a life examined you search for reasons, know who you are and what you want. And you work at improving yourself and your choices in life.In this podcast we are referring to the kind of self knowledge that allows you to gain more insight into your internal life, for example into your beliefs, your values or your needs and wants. You are likely to chose a partner based on your particular ideas of the other person. You follow (often unhelpful) relationship templates that were acquired over a long period of time. Some of your ways of thinking and behaving in relationships you may be aware of, others may take much longer to uncover. Knowing yourself is, of course, a complex and ongoing process and there is always an element of unchartered territory when it comes to your unconscious motivations.Not knowing yourself very well may at times lead to the puzzling question of why you encounter a problem again and again. For example, you may avoid conflict at all costs. Enquiring into the underlying causes of this avoidance may not resolve the issue immediately but will make a good starting point for gaining more understanding and trying out new ways of dealing with people that will make you feel less frustrated in the long run.You can only really get to know the other person in front of you if you have an understanding of yourself first.  Once you can gain an understanding of  how you map the world, and how your partner maps the world you can work on creating a joint map of the world with some overlapping territory.Getting to know yourself allows you to identify your ways of thinking, feeling and behaving and to assess whether some of these ways may need to be modified.The good news is that our brains are rather flexible. We can always learn something new and establish new neural pathways. The snowy mountain metaphor by Harvard Neurology Professor Alvaro Pascual-Leone demonstrates why our habits are so hard to change but that they can change after all.Getting to know yourself is an ongoing process and may require some help, either from a trusted friend or a professional like a therapist. We make some suggestions for your looking and listening inside yourself. Some are activities you can do on your own; others involve the help of a friend.In our online Relationship Maze course we explore all of the topics that we touch on in this podcast in much more detail. You will have an opportunity to truly get to know yourself and to practice behavioural changes if necessary.https://therelationshipmaze.com.We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.FREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensiv

Are you aware of the way that you give and receive love? Are you confident in your way of loving? And do you notice your emotions, thoughts and behaviours when loving someone else?In today's episode we consider where our notions of love come from. We all tell ourselves stories about love which inform our expectations, hopes and desires. These stories are told by our parents, friends, teachers, writers, singers or actors in romantic films. We have lofty ideas and ideals about romantic love. Often there is a big gap between our ideals and our reality. Coming to terms with the reality of how we are being loved can be painful.The way that we love is influenced by our experiences - we learn templates of how to go about loving someone else and being loved. Our attachment style informs our love template: if we have an insecure attachment style we often struggle to form trusting relationships.The way that we love changes in the course of a relationship as projections give way to seeing the real person in front of us. And the way that we learned to love is changeable. We can choose to think and behave differently if our way of loving does not serve us well.There is no one single definition of what love is. There have been many different attempts to define love, for example from an evolutionary, cultural, sociological or spiritual perspective. For the purposes of our discussion today we consider love to be a set of feelings and emotionsa number of physiological reactions in the bodya number of cognitive processesa set of behavioursWe learn about love through a number of experiences and narratives. We witness expressions of love (or lack thereof) when growing up, either through being at the receiving end of love or through watching those closest to us interact in a loving way. Ideas about love also come about through stories that we hear - mostly through fairy tales or myths that introduce us to ways of finding ever lasting love. We watch romantic films or listen to songs that tell us what love should look or feel like.There are many different forms of love - romantic love is just one form of love. (see also our podcast on the ancient Greeks definition of love: What the Greeks can teach us about relationships - seven types of love)We have ideals about an experience of love that we strive for. Love should be all encompassing, passionate or should make us happy. We have an idea about how we give love or want to receive it. Often our experience of receiving love may not match our ideal. We may have to reflect on our expectations of love and whether there is room for some adjustments.The way that we love is determined by our attachment style. Those with an insecure attachment style, either anxious-preoccupied or avoidant-dismissive, will be very cautious in the way that they love. The underlying assumption is that the other person may not be entirely trustworthy or that we are not loveable. (see podcast episode no 2: How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship).Love in a relationship changes over time. In the early stages of our relationships we are more likely to love an idea of our partner - we see and hear what we want to see rather than the real person in front of us. Our projections of desires and wishes cloud our judgement and determine the way that we love our partner.The hopeful message to take away from this podcast is that you learn to love that the way that you do. If it serves you well: great, continuing loving the way that you do. However, if you experience significant difficulties in the way that you go about loving others, you can reconsider your behaviour, emotional responses and thoughts and develop different ways of loving that bring you more fulfilment.In our online Relationship Maze course we explore all of the topics that we touch on in this pod

Do you ever wonder why you behave the way you do in different situations? Do you get into stuck patterns - repeating the same behaviour even if it doesn't serve you well?Whether we realise it or not, we are all influenced by our past experiences. Our early memories influence how we show up, how we interact with other people and what triggers the way we react.Exploring these childhood stories that underpin our behaviour can help us develop greater understanding about ourselves. Regaining command of these stories can be a major act of transformation.In this episode I'm talking with Dr Sarah Hill, Managing Partner at Dialogix and author of 'Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide For Working With Leaders'. Sarah explores how behavioural changes can be made and how you expand your repertoire and range of behaviour.Dr. Sarah Hill, PhD is Co-owner of Dialogix and is based in the UK. Her early career in a range of different sectors formed the basis for the work she does today as a Dialogue Facilitator and Behavioural Dynamics Interventionist. The focus of this work is on tackling some of the toughest and most demanding behavioural challenges. She has also led the design and development of training in this field that is accredited by the International Coaching Federation. Through her experience as a supervisor of coaches and practitioners she has been described as the “consultant’s consultant“.Sarah is Author of ‘Where Did You Learn To Behave Like That? A Coaching Guide for Working With Leaders’  and ‘Dare to….’, which is a companion journal to the book. Working globally, she is an internationally recognised expert in childhood story work with leaders providing a way for them to do deeper work on the Self. She is also co-Author of ‘The Tao of Dialogue’, which was published in 2019, has taught at the Said Business School, Henley Business School, Harvard Business School and Hult-Ashridge.In this podcast episode Sarah discusses various ways in which we behave in particular situations, e.g. someone who is not at the centre of group discussions, watching from the outside but not participating - a bystander. You can become a stuck bystander and become silent. A deeper exploration looks at  where this behaviour comes from. What's the story behind this behaviour? For example where you told only to speak when spoken to? What is your internal narrative and is this still serving you well now?A lot of old stories are quite harsh- you might be telling yourself for example that you should never challenge other people even if they do you harm.We can rewrite our internal narrative(s) and we can live a new narrative, for example we can change the old narrative of 'I am not good enough' to 'I have value, I am good at this'.Love is a theme in Sarah's work. Allowing your Self to be loved is vital.Find out more about Sarah and her work at www.dialogix.co.ukWe are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.FREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensive Relationship Course fornew or established couplescouples in conflictcouples preparing for marriagecouples who want to strengthen their relationshipsingles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partnerAlso, get additional show notes on our podcast website here

In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.In this episode we discuss the underlying reasons for getting into arguments, how you may experience the argument, your conflict style and what can be done to argue more effectively with your partner or others.What do you you consider to be an argument? Is is when someone shout at you or do you think you are in conflict if the other person has a different opinion? The way we view and interact in arguments is down to our previous learning about conflict, either in our family of origin, with friends or at school. We learn how to argue and how not to argue. Sometimes our strategies serve us well, often there are better ways of going about resolving differences.In this episode we talk about factors that contribute to one or the other partner initiating an argument and your different conflict styles. For example did you learn to appease others or to strike first pre-emptively?There are useful rules to bear in mind when wanting to resolve your differences in a way that makes both of you feel heard and understood.

Do you or your partner often worry about lots of things to the extent that it significantly impacts your life? Does anxiety affect your relationships? In today's episode we talk about generalised anxiety: what it is, how it manifests, what might have caused it, how different therapeutic approaches think of and address anxiety and what might be done about it.We briefly consider the impact of anxiety on your relationship system and we end the session with a breathing and visualisation exercise that you can practice to bring your anxiety down.We all feel anxious some of the time. Anxiety is our inbuilt warning system that helps us to look out for danger and to keep as safe.Often the threat is a perceived one rather than a real threat. We talk about anxiety in the clinical sense if the anxiety is long, enduring and significantly impacts on a person's life.Anxiety can take many forms and can focus on a specific area of concern for example in the case of of (social) phobia or obsessive-compulsive disorder. Panic disorders are a condition where anxiety manifests in a sudden and unexpected panic attack followed by a month or more of persistent concern about another attack.While there are many different forms and manifestations of anxiety, the clinical definition of Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) stipulates that a person has excessive and persistent worry about a number of different events and difficulty in controlling these worries. Events are often over evaluated in relation to their likely impact and the intensity of worry is out of proportion compared to the likely impact of the feared event.Because our body tricks us into thinking that we are under threat, it starts to mobilise for running away. Therefore physical symptoms of anxiety may include the following:heart palpitationsdizziness or light-headednessfaster breathingsweating or hot flusheschurning in your stomach and/or a need to go to the toilet  (emptying our bladder or stomach helps us run faster!)feeling restless and unable to sit stillpins and needlesAnxiety is not just felt in the body is is also is accompanied by thoughts that impact on your mind and your mood:thinking that the worst is going to happen to youfeeling that the world is speeding up or slowing downhaving a sense of dreadthinking that other people will notice your anxietythinking that you cannot relaxworrying about the anxiety itself, 'I know, I am going to be anxious' - the fear or the fearfeeling low and depressedonly being able to think about bad things and situationsnot being able to stop thinking about all aspects of what can do wrongDifferent therapeutic approaches will work differently with anxiety.In psychodynamic approaches the focus will be on looking at the root causes of anxiety. Where and why does it originate? Were there earlier relationships that cause the client to feel less safe in the world?In Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT) the focus is on understanding the link between thoughts, feelings and behaviours and learning to modify safety seeking thoughts and behaviours.In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) the emphasis is on learning to accept and tolerate difficult sensations, feelings and thoughts.In Existential Therapy you can explore anxiety within the context of more universal themes and their personal meaning for you, for example how your fear of dying may play out in your daily life without you realising.In Person-Centred Therapy the focus is on supporting you in your struggles through being by your side. There are different techniques of working with anxiety. Many approaches would e

In today's episode we consider how you know whether you are dating the right kind of partner for you. Dating can be a very challenging. You might have dated for quite some time already, met a number of people or are still waiting for the 'the one'. We consider how you might want to go about dating and what signs to look out for that tell you that you have met someone who you can potentially build a relationship with. We ask you to consider your current strategies and whether you regard them as successful. If they are not successful, what do you think needs changing in your approach?Choosing the right partner can be challenging. Are you always aware of the kind of qualities that you are looking for in a partner? Love and care are expressed in many different way; it's helpful to know what qualities you need in a partner that make you feel looked after and loved.Many people hold the strong belief, fed by Hollywood romances, that there is one right person out there for them. If they meet this person, they will be happy. The challenge with this concept is that it turns dating into a needle of haystack kind of experience. You will need to endlessly sift through hundreds of people until you meet the person destined for you. The truth is that there are many people who are right for you. It helps to be open to the possibility that the person in front of you may be the right person. You will need to decide to frame your encounters as such and you will need to work at creating the relationship that you want. You can grow to become each other's soulmates. You choose who you want to be 'the one'.There does need to be some form of attraction, however, it helps not to make the idea of immediate fireworks your main criterion. Get to know the other person first to get some sense of who you have in front of you. This may ignite a spark at a later stage too.In the world of online dating you have endless choices which may get too overwhelming. Focus on dating 5-7 people and get to know them better. Getting too fixated on just one person limits your options; conversely, endlessly dating, always looking for a better option, stops opportunities in their tracks.Understanding relationships starts with you. Consider what you actually need from a relationship and whether the person you are dating is meeting these needs. Are they making you feel good about yourself? If the answer is 'no' and you feel insecure and unsure in the presence of this person than consider whether they are actually right for you. Ultimately you want to be in a relationship where you are respected, listened to, cared for and where you are having fun too.Knowing your attachment style is hugely helpful to understand your responses to other people. Do you need lots of reassurance? Do you always worry that the other person may not be interest in you? Do you idealise other people? It helps of course to know what kind of attachment style your dating partner has. Can you both create a secure relationship? If your dating partner is highly avoidant your relationship may never really take off. The dating scene is full of avoidant-dismissive people who struggle with commitment. To learn more about attachment styles you may want to listen to our podcast from 6 December 2020, How learning about attachment styles can help you understand your relationship.Consider what values are important to you and check whether your date shares these values. Values are more important in the long run than having the same taste in music or in movies.We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.

How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time and acts of service.All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.How do you know that you are loved? Do you need your partner to tell you that you are loved or do you prefer to receive a box of finely crafted chocolates? Are you aware of your partner's preferred way of receiving your love?Today we talk about the 5 love languages described by Dr Chapman in his bestselling book of the same title: words of affirmation, receiving gifts, physical touch, quality time  and acts of service.All of these 'languages' are means of expressing our love. You and your partner may not speak the same language and therefore may miscommunicate. What you experience as an act of love may not be in the same way by your partner.

In today's episode we discuss the some of the underlying relationship dynamics that contribute to making it very difficult for an abused partner to leave the relationship. The reasons for someone to stay in an abusive relationship are complex and manifold. In this episode we explore how an understanding of attachment theory can help to understand why an abused partner struggles to leave their abuser behind. Insecurely attached adults have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow responsible for the lack of love and fair treatment from their partner. They don't consciously choose to be abused but they enable the abusive partner, who is also insecurely attached. Abused partners often have attachment wounds that makes it more difficult for them to set boundaries or to assert themselves.In addition to looking at the impact of insecure attachment we also discuss another important factor that explains why people stay in abusive relationships: the traumatic bond that acts as the 'superglue' between abuser and abused partner. When we are feeling threatened we all have a natural tendency to run towards the person who is closest to us- even if that person is responsible for the very threat in the first place.There is often surprise and lack of understanding for individuals who are staying in relationships where they are at the receiving end of abuse. Abuse in this context can take many forms, for example being controlled by the partner, belittled, shouted down or physically assaulted. Friends may repeatedly suggest to the abused partner to leave the relationship; they may then get frustrated with the abused friend if the advice is not acted on.Attachment theory offers a useful explanation for the dynamics in abusive relationships. Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby to describe human beings’ strong need to develop close relationships and to attach to particular others in their life. Bowlby described attachment as an innate behavioural system that promotes the survival of human beings. He observed different behaviour patterns in babies when they were under threat as well as the responses by the babies’ primary caregivers. Infants whose caregivers respond to their distress are soothed and develop an understanding of the world that others are there to make them feel safe and secure in the world. Infants whose caregivers regularly ignore their distress will either crank up their crying until there finally is a response or they will give up. In both instances, these infants will develop a very insecure sense of themselves in the world. Insecure attachment finds expression either through an anxious preoccupation with getting attention from the caregiver or an avoidant dismissive stance of not needing any attention at all.In 1987 Hazan and Shaver applied the principles of attachment theory to adult relationships. They observed that both partners in a relationship regard the other as the principle source for providing security and safety. If their partner is consistently responsive to their needs the other partner will feel largely secure and reassured. A partner who has had consistent experiences of insecure attachments as a child and young adult is likely to form very strong attachment bonds with others even if the quality of these relationships is very poor. Perversely anxiety and fear can lead to an even stronger attachment even if the source of the threat is the very person the partner seeks refuge in. Insecurely attached adults usually have an internalised notion of themselves as being somehow to blame for the lack of love from their partner. They are therefore likely to try very hard to gain approval. This sense of unworthiness leads to a deep-seated sense of shame. In a young child the threat of abandonment by a parent evokes terror; in the insecure adult, this sense of dependency and vulnerability gets fused into shame. As insecurely adults lack a sense of self-worth the

In today's episode we are talking about effective, verbal communication in relationships. While there are many ways of expressing love and care most relationship experts would agree that talking effectively to each other is crucial in any form of relationship. We discuss how to set the scene for effective communication, how not to communicate and what you will need to address when communicating effectively. Learning to listen to your partner and expressing what you are experiencing are the key blocks of any form of communication.Get additional podcast information on our podcast website by clicking hereWe are always communicating with our partner - be it through words or gestures. Even when we are purposefully not communicating, we are sending a message across that we are frustrated, angry, punishing etc.Talking to your partner is important. It's not the only way of building a good relationship; doing things together that you enjoy are also important. There are many ways of staying connected. In this episode our focus is on verbal communication.How to communicateMake time for each other to listen and express regularly. Establish clear rules for talking to each other if there is conflict. If there is a difficulty you want to address make sure that you bring up the concern as soon as possibleyour partner is ready to receive you, i.e. not distracted by sending off another work emailyou bring up one concern at a time - don't overwhelm your partner with a shopping list of complaintsdon't bring up the past by saying 'you always', 'you never', '5 years ago...' - stick with the presentyou don't use blaming language. Start by letting your partner know what you are experiencing. Use 'I feel...' statements.How not to communicateAvoid the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse - attitudes and behaviours that research of the John Gottman Institute found particularly undermining in relationships:Criticism - attacking your partner regularly. Not critiquing or expressing your frustration but having a go with at your partner with all round attacks such as 'why are you always so...', 'you're the type of person..., 'you never...'Contempt - putting your partner down and being mean with the intention to insult and hurt. Feeling morally superior. This is the single most predictor of relationships heading for separation.Defensiveness - usually happens in response to criticism. Seeing yourself as the victim who is under attack. Denying any form of responsibility.Stonewalling - often in response to contempt. Withdrawing completely from the conversation by changing the subject, being monosyllabic or leaving the room.What to talk about In order to understand where your partner is coming from or indeed gaining insight into your own ways of feeling and thinking, having a conversation with your partner helps to addressexpectations what are your underlying assumptions about relationships, what do you want your partner to do or not dowhat are your boundaries and when do they get crossedwhat values you both holdclarificationswhat did you or your partner mean when they said or did a certain thing - what was their intentionfrustrationsletting your partner know how a certain behaviour, statement or action impacts on you. love affirmationstelling your partner how you feel about them. Not taking it for granted that your partner knows how much you love them.Remember that communication is always about connection. Even when you argue you do so because you are seeking connection. We are constantly adding more and mo

In this episode, we're exploring nine of the most commonly rated relationship issues that people experience and the steps you can take to address these issues. You may experience one or more of these issues at different times in your relationship. We'll explore these issues and also strategies to help you overcome them.The biggest challenges people tend to face in relationships that we discuss in this episode are:1. Lack of effort/Taking the partner for granted: your enthusiasm for your partner has faded over a period of time, other demands take over and you have become more distant from each other. You don't regularly check in with each other and there is a lack of communication.2. Emotional Fusion: You are too enmeshed with each other and struggle to have a sense of separateness and independence in your relationship.3. Stress: one or both of you are struggling with the demands of work, childcare or other chores that need doing. You are each wrapped up in trying to manage this stress and lack capacity to focus on the needs of your partner and/or the relationship.4. Overwhelmed by partner's demands: you may struggle to meet your partner's demands and experience them as too critical. You feel that your partner is constantly nagging and/or requiring too much attention.5. Parenting related issues: you may struggle to adjust to the new reality of becoming first time parents and the associated tasks. Or you may have different ideas to do with parenting, e.g. with regards to discipline or education.6. Sexual desire/physical contact: you may have different ideas about the frequency or nature of your sexual and physical intimacy. One of you may want more, the other less sexual/physical contact.7. Wider family relationships: you may struggle with your partner's relationship with parents or siblings. There may be a sense that their influence is not a positive one and you may not like them very much. Conversely you may find it difficult that your partner does not like your family. There may be too much or too little contact.8. Addiction problems:  one or both partners struggle with addictions issues, e.g. alcohol, drugs or porn addiction. In addition to the dependency of the partner with the addiction issue, there is often a need to consider co-dependency related issues of the other partner.9. Infidelity: one or both partners is having an affair. Unless there is an agreement by both partners that it's ok to not be monogamous, infidelity seriously shakes up a relationship and often leads to separation. It is considered a serious boundary violation. Infidelity can be survived by the couple but requires careful consideration.We've recently been told we are one of the top relationship podcasts in the UK! Check out https://blog.feedspot.com/uk_relationship_podcasts/

Social anxiety can be a problem for most people at some point in their lives.When it comes to dating, social anxiety can be the biggest hurdle to overcome when you are trying to find a relationship. Social anxiety makes even creating a dating profile, let alone meeting someone nerve wracking.In relationships, social anxiety can cause problems when one person finds social situations awkward and can disrupt an otherwise good relationship. So in this episode we are exploring social anxiety and some ways to help solve it.Social anxiety can be one of the biggest problems for anyone wanting to find or develop a fulfilling relationship. Dating and relationships involve interacting with other people, so feeling more comfortable in social situations is crucial.In this episode I am talking about 2 different ways that anxiety is created - via the cortex or via the amygdala, and what this means to dealing with anxiety.Some ways discussed to help with social anxiety include ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and mindfulness.We are constantly adding more and more resources on our website The Relationship Maze - head over there now and find new ways to help you improve your relationships.FREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensive Relationship Course fornew or established couplescouples in conflictcouples preparing for marriagecouples who want to strengthen their relationshipsingles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner

In this episode, we are exploring the seven different concepts of love described by the ancient Greeks. We often think about love in the context of romance, but there are many types of love including the love you have for a friend or family member, love in the sense of loyalty, passionate love and self love.The seven terms for love used by the ancient Greeks can help us gain deeper insight into love and relationships and explore areas to develop to experience richer love and relationships in our lives.The 7 concepts the ancient Greeks used for love can give us a fascinating insight into our own relationships and how to develop more love in our lives. They are:Eros: romantic, passionate love.Philia: intimate, authentic friendship. Ludus: playful, flirtatious love.Storge: unconditional, familial love. Philautia: self-love.Pragma: committed, companionate love.Agápe: empathetic, universal love.We explore relationships in more detail in our comprehensive, online course The Relationship Maze, where you learn all there is to learn about relationships.We regularly add new resources including the following:FREE 10 day Relationship ChallengeAttachment Style quizArticles on relationshipsOur comprehensive Relationship Course fornew or established couplescouples in conflictcouples preparing for marriagecouples who want to strengthen their relationshipsingles who want to prepare for a long lasting relationship and find the right partner

In this episode, I'm talking with Lowri Turner. If you have ever tried to lose weight, or been on crash diets and ended up putting on more weight than before, then this episode will help you understand about effective and long lasting ways to sustain weight loss.Weight loss is difficult or impossible to maintain purely through restrictive dieting. Having a balanced approach combining proper nutrition and also working with the mind to find strategies and approaches to change our relationship with food is essential for long term results.Lowri turner is a nutritionist and hypnotherapist who specialises in weight loss. Tune in for a fascinating exploration about achieving the weight loss you want.

In today's episode Angela talks about the different stages that romantic relationships go through. Relationships change over time and each stage of the relationship offers developmental opportunities. Can you identify where you currently are? Or can you work out which stage you usually get to in your relationships? While each relationship is different there are usually distinct stages that couple relationships go through. This process is not necessarily linear and frequently one partner may be in a different stage of the relationship than the other.In this episode Angela explains what each stage of the relationship looks like, the challenges that you may be presented with and the developmental tasks of each stage. In summary the four stages discussed are1. The Spark - the honey moon phase. At this stage partners usually think of each other as wonderful, gorgeous and delightful.  You two are one and the rest of the world is seen through rose tinted glasses.2. The Chasm - reality check sets in. You notice that your partner may not be quite so perfect as previously thought. After all they don't wash the dishes as often as you want to...3. The Power Struggle- trouble in paradise. Your individual difference are more pronounced and you realise that you may have different expectations of each other and the relationship. This is the make-or-break stage of the relationship and the stage at which most couples present in couples therapy.4. The Union - maturity in the relationship. At this stage you feel safe and secure with your partner. There is interdependence as well as independence in the relationship.

In this episode our guest is Dr Nash Popovic, who will be discussing love and relationships.Dr Nash Popovic is a Senior Lecturer in the School of Psychology at the University of East London. He is also the author of Personal Synthesis, arguably the most comprehensive personal development source on the web. You can find there how to deal with emotions, how to make sound decisions and motivate yourself and others, the best ways of increasing resilience and, of course, how to have good close relationships. In today's talk on this topic, Nash will be drawing from the Personal Synthesis materials as well as from decades of research and experience as a Personal Consultant and Couples Therapist.

There is often confusion in people's mind about what it means to be assertive; often there is an underlying assumption that assertiveness equals aggressiveness. In today's episode we define what we mean by being assertive: expressing your rights, feelings and thoughts without violating the rights of others.We can all be assertive in some situations and less so in others. Our ability to disagree openly depends on our sense of safety. If I feel safe, I can express myself more readily. In this episode we look at your underlying concerns and assumptions about saying what you need to say: where did these come from and how do these impact on your life today?We discuss how you can slowly work on becoming more assertive. This practice involves developing different ways of thinking as well as using your body to experience yourself as safer and more secure in situations that you experience as challenging.

In today's episode we consider the skills that are needed to develop long lasting, fulfilling relationships. When people are asked about their wishes for a good relationship they usually talk about being supported, loved and feeling content and happy. However, often it is not clear what skills are required to create these fulfilling relationships. We are not taught in school how to go about creating strong relationships. We are taught in fairy tales that a prince or princess arrives and everything is hunky dory. But what happens next once you've got your prince or princess?In this episode we talk about the skills that we have identified as crucial for successful relationships: - Self-awareness: generating insight into understanding what makes you think, feel and behave in a particular way and why- Empathy: understanding your partner and their way of thinking, feeling and behaving. What makes your partner tick and why?-Mutuality: understanding how you impact on each other and why. Learning how to communicate more effectively with each other and to be present for each other- Sustainability: developing more capacity for intimacy and vulnerability. Learning to grow and develop together as a couple

Are you always concerned about getting it right for other people, frequently to the detriment of yourself? In today's episode we look at the signs that show you that your driver in life and in relationships might be to please others.We discuss the underlying thinking of a people-pleaser and the root causes that get people into the idea that they need to please all the time. People-pleasers are usually parent-pleasers; we learn how to interact with others initially when growing up in our family of origin. In this episode we briefly talk about the the link between an anxious attachment style and the need to be 'good' with others at all times. While it may be pleasant for people around you that you always try to please them, there are also some draw backs that are experienced by the people at the receiving end of being pleased and appeased. Your people pleasing may affect your friends and partners in ways that were unintentional.How can you change your behaviour? How can you move from the idea of 'having to' please others to 'wanting to' please? We discuss how you can move in the direction of building more authentic and balanced relationships with others.

In today's episode Tom explains what insights we can gain from Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT), in particular when it comes to stress and anxiety. Unlike other therapies where the focus is on regulating difficult emotions, ACT is not concerned with telling us how we can manage these feelings better but with allowing for these feelings to be present. Rather than trying to get rid of the feeling as soon as possible, we learn to allow to be with it. Many people spend a lot of time trying to 'deal' with stress and anxiety. We might get caught up in a cycle of trying to avoid difficult situations, or trying to 'lessen' feelings of anxiety. As a result, we spend our time and energy trying to regulate difficult emotions and get distracted from the things that are really important to us.Positive and negative emotions are a part of life, and with ACT we learn how to experience the full spectrum of emotions whilst heading towards the things that are most important to us.

Following our last podcast episode which has been exceedingly popular, we decided to delve further into stress and the polyvagal system. The focus of our session today in on connection with other people. When we are feeling stressed we struggle with being close to other people. Being connected to others on the other hand can help us with managing stress. Polyvagal Theory offers us a good overview of the three different states that our nervous system can be in: we can feel connected others and feel safe; we can feel threatened and fight back or avoid a situation by running away from it or we can be completely overwhelmed and shut down, playing dead so to speak.Other people can help us to co-regulate our emotions, in other words, if I am feeling stressed a friend, partner or colleague can help me to manage my feelings around being stressed better. People who are very isolated often struggle with regulating their emotions because they can't co-regulate with others. Often this goes hand in hand with being in a state of frozenness, helplessness and low self-esteem. The signals that are sent out to others often sadly indicate that this person does not seek connection.Some people manage stress much better than others. What is their secret? We explore how you can manage stress in a way that helps you to calm your nervous system and to be able to build connection with others.

In this episode we explore what happens to you when you are feeling stressed, how stress impacts on your life and what needs to be done to managing stress. When we are stressed our sympathetic autonomic nervous system gets activated. We go into fight or flight responses. Polyvagal Theory, developed by Stephen Porges, has expanded the understanding of the nervous system offering useful insights into the processing of situations that we experience as stressful. In addition to fight and flight responses Polyvagal Theory identifies a third type of nervous system response that Stephen Porges calls the social engagement system. This is the part that is relevant in particular to our capacity get on well with other people.Stress or burnout are not medical terms- they describe a series of emotional and bodily experiences. We talk about positive (eustress) and negative (stress); stress that mobilises and motivates us and stress that is chronic and causes all sorts of questions in the long run.Stress is a cluster of responses to feeling threatened. Understanding our autonomic nervous systems helps us in understanding what happens when we are feeling threatened. Polyvagal Theory talks about what happens in our nervous system when we are in a situation that we experience as threatening. The focus is on the vagus nerve - the largest cranial nerve that connects the brain stem with our gut. We discuss the three different states we can get into and how we process stress. Chronic stress affects relationships. When we feel safe and in a good state of mind generally we are able to connect with other people; we can be empathic and ascribe good intentions to other people. When we are not feeling safe but either mobilising for fight or flight we are in an anxious, hyperactive frenzied state that takes up all of our energy. The third state we can be in is further down the ladder when we are getting into shutdown - we are playing dead. In this state we may feel hopeless, ashamed, stuck or immobilised. Frequently this state is described as 'burn out'.Chronic stress often gets unnoticed - we may not even realise that we are constantly in a state of hyperactivity and mobilisation as we have become so used to it. The result are often a series of physical or emotional responses of dis stress. Chronic stress needs to be recognised first and then regulated. Once it can be managed, for example through breathing exercises that tell your autonomous nervous system that you are safe, we can look at the underlying causes of stress. Reflection on the reasons for chronic stress can only help to regulate stress once we dealt with our bodies first.

We all feel angry at times, frequently because we feel an injustice has been done or another person is being hurtful to us. Anger itself is a completely normal human emotion. As a fleeting feeling it is relatively harmless and unproblematic. However, if anger starts to control your life and affect relationships with others it might be good to examine what the underlying causes are and how to manage your anger better. Anger has been a necessary feeling that helped our survival. In its biological function anger is a response to a perceived threat. The instinctive way to express anger is through aggression. This would allow us to fight and to defend ourselves when under attack. Physically the body responds by showing an increased heart rate and blood pressure.In this episode we discus what to do if your anger remains unrestrained, very intense and frequent. We talk about anger as serving useful function in terms of propelling you to take action and stand up for values that are important to you.Anger can be expressed outwardly through shouting for example or it can go inward. When anger does not find expression and goes inward it can create a range of problems - it can turn into depression or self harm. Often anger is simply the tip of the iceberg and there are many underlying emotions beneath it, for example sadness, loneliness or shame. Many people struggle to express their feelings - the resultAnger that cannot be safely expressed is often coming out in a passive aggressive comments where the frustration is not quite openly voiced but the person is under attack.How was anger managed in your family when you were growing up? In relationships there are often difficulties if one partner is used to expressing anger while the other learned to suppress it.In addition to the underlying causes of anger, we talk about strategies to manage it better, specifically in your relationships with others. We also discuss how to respond to your partner's anger in a helpful way.

In this episode we talk about self-esteem and building more confidence in yourself. The terms self-esteem and self-confidence are often used interchangeably but are slightly different. Low self-esteem manifest as having a generally negative opinion of yourself , talking negatively to yourself and judging or evaluating yourself negatively. Overall you struggle to see yourself in a positive light. We discuss how self-esteem manifests and impacts on a person who struggles with having a healthy self image. Generally speaking, if you have low self-esteem you tend to have a very strong inner critic, telling yourself that you are not doing well, not likeable or not doing as well as other people. The impact can be mild to quite devastating. It can lead to withdrawal, isolation, depression and anxiety or to excessive drug and alcohol use.We discuss the causes of low self-esteem, for example negative messaging in your family home, bullying at school or experiencing an abusive relationship as an adult. There are often a number of factors that contribute to developing low self-esteem.We briefly discuss ways of addressing low self-esteem, developing more compassion for yourself and having a healthier belief in yourself.

Trouble with falling asleep or waking up in the middle of the night affects most of us at some point in our life. We talk about insomnia if you regularly have problems sleeping. In today's podcast we talk about the importance of sleep and how problems with sleeping impact on your life. For example chronic sleep problems can lead to weight gain, memory performance decrease, depression or anxiety. Sleep problems are caused by a number of different factors such as stress, excessive worry, bad habits, environmental factors or shift work.Want to sleep better and more regularly? Find out more about what you can do to develop healthy sleep patterns and to improve your sleep if you struggle with insomnia.We talk you through sleep hygiene and developing more sleep efficiency, that is improving the percentage of time asleep in bed. Ideally you would want to spend roughly 85% of your time in bed asleep rather than awake. Following the guidance on behaviour around sleep can really make a big difference. Are you aware for example that what you eat or drink can have a big impact on the quality of your sleep? There are drinks and food that can contribute to you sleeping better, and drinks that do the opposite.We also address some of the common myths about sleep such as needing eight hours of sleep at night.

'Know Thyself', this ancient saying encourages us to go in search of a deeper level of self-understanding - In today's episode we explore why knowing yourself matters in the context of relationships. Couples are often surprised that their partner 'changed' over time. One or two years down the line you may think that your partner is not the person you thought they would be. You may notice that they are not as patient, cuddly, understanding or present as you want them to be. The ideal partner from the honeymoon days seems to have disappeared. The disappointment with the partner frequently results in a mutual blame game. What many couples fail to acknowledge is their own perspective and their own expectations. It helps to know your own starting point. What are your thoughts about relationships? What do you expect from your partner? And how do you respond to disappointments?Your ideas about relationships have been formed over a long period of time, starting in your childhood. You would have learned how relationships work (or don't work) and you would have developed all sorts of ideas about other people and the world in general. There would have been some disappointments along the way and an unconscious desire to find the one person who can make everything alright for you. For example, if you struggle with low confidence you may wish for a partner who reassures you and makes you feel good about yourself. If you partner struggles to do this all the time, you may feel disappointed and over a long period of time you may get very frustrated.We often choose our partners (unconsciously) to heal old wounds from the past. We have expectations of our partner that may be realistic or may be completely impossible to meet. Bringing our wishes and expectations into our awareness can help us to articulate what it is that we need and enables us to review our expectations. Can your partner really over everything to you? Are there some expectations that may need reviewing?So, ask yourself, what you want and need from a relationship? How would you know that you are in the relationship that you need?

In this episode we explore the connection between thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviour.Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) has been useful at helping us identify how our interpretations of a particular event, rather than the event itself, determines how we feel about it. It is our reaction to situations that make them problematic, not the situation itself. Most of the time something happens to us and we assume that the thing that happens to us makes us feel sad, upset, angry etc. What we often fail to pay attention to is that we have an underlying belief or belief system that assesses a situation and comes up with an interpretation. These interpretations frequently don't serve us well. This is true in relationships where our partners says or does something that we interpret as disrespectful, annoying or hurtful. Subsequently we may fight back or sulk and lick our wounds. It is also true in dating scenarios where you may chose to interpret another person's lack of response as a lack of interest. Understanding our underlying beliefs gives us more control over the outcome of a situation that we find frustrating. We have a choice in being offended for example. Thoughts, feelings, physical sensations and behaviours are in constant interaction with each other. For example, I might think that nobody likes me. I then feel sad or angry. I notice a sinking feeling in my stomach. As a result, I may decide to stay at home in order to avoid feeling bad about myself. This is in turn will generate thoughts that I am not worthy of liking and so on and so forth. In a CBT model the idea is to break this cycle. You can start for example to change the behaviour by going out more often. This might make you feel a bit better about yourself and can positively influence thoughts and feelings.

In this episode we explore your inner strengths that get you through difficult times in life. Are you aware of the strategies that you employ to manage challenges? Most of the time you go through life managing obstacles without even thinking about it. Bringing these strategies into your awareness will enable you to creatively employ them in situations which are more demanding and stretching for you. These situations may include challenges at work, in your relationship or in other areas of your life. Developing more resilience will also enable you to cope better with your partner's distress or frustrations. In this podcast we discuss Padesky and Mooney's Four Step Strengths-Based cognitive behavioural model. The focus is on helping you discover the positive qualities you already have and to consciously apply your strengths in all areas of difficulty in your life.

In this episode we're talking about depression. According to Word Health Organisation, depression is the most common illness worldwide: in 2017 264 million people were affected. In the UK 10% of the population will have had an experience of depression in their life time.Depression is characterised by persistent low mood, lack of motivation and a loss of interest in activities that are usually experienced as pleasurable. Depressive symptoms vary in their intensity depending on the severity of the depressive episode. Symptoms may include a lack of appetite, insomnia, morbid thoughts, feelings of hopelessness, restlessness, decreased energy, feelings of guilt or lack of concentration. We are talking about clinical depression if more than one of these symptoms are ticked and a person's life is impacted to such an extent that it interferes with their daily life.In the field of therapy there are different ways of thinking of depression and how best to work with it. Psychodynamic approaches focus more on understanding and addressing the underlying causes of depression due to adverse life experience whereas cognitive behavioural approaches are mainly concerned with addressing faulty thinking and behavioural changes necessary to bring about change. Humanistic approaches are mainly concerned with offering emotional support and looking at the obstacles that get in the way for lifting the depression.In this episode we discuss the different approaches to depression. Depending on how you think about depression - as a cause or as a symptom of more complex underlying difficulties - will depend what therapeutic approach may suit you best. If you are unsure you may want to consider a more integrative approach which would consider root causes of the depressive symptoms as well as look at cognitive and behavioural changes.

In this episode we talk about moments when you get annoyed or irritated with your partner. You may get irritated by a number of small behaviours that can over time build up to a more serious frustration with your partner. These irritations tend to arise at a later stage in the relationship, once the honeymoon is over.We talk about bringing these behaviours to your partner's attention in a way that feels ok for both of you and that can lead to behavioural change.

You might be familiar with ghosting, but how about Kondo-ing?There's a bizarre world of terms used in dating now including dog-fish & being zombied! Today we're exploring some of these terms in a fun and lively episode.We're also looking a little deeper and exploring what drives people who are 'guilty' of these behaviours and how to cope if you are the innocent victim.

This week I'm talking with Reb Veale about mBraining - which is all about how to use your multiple brains to do cool stuff!Reb is an mBIT Trainer and Master Coach and NLP Master Trainer. She is also a coach supervisor, occupational psychologist and is psychotherapeutically-trained. Reb is also a Yiayia (which is Greek for Grandma), a gardener and maker of chutney. She has always been passionate about what makes people tick, what makes us different and what we share in common. This fascination is what led her down a wormhole in the internet back in early 2013 and how she came across the field of mBraining. Reb has so far trained and certified almost 300 mBIT coaches in nine countries in four continents and her personal mission is to bring mBraining to as many people as possible during her lifetime.

In this episode we're talking about some of the factors that influence the quality of your time in your bedroom (or wherever takes your fancy!) with your partner.In most relationships partners experience their level of sexual drive in different ways from each other. Relationships change over time; this includes the sexual dimension of your relationship. What starts off amazing can fade away and be an often unspoken source of dissatisfaction in relationships. Learning about the dual drives that determine arousal can help you improve your relationship in and out of the bedroom. Many couples struggle to have a dialogue about sexual issues in the relationship. Often this is related to feelings of shame, of low confidence, worries about not being 'good enough' or simply not knowing what language to use. Gaining an understanding of you 'turn ons' and 'turn offs' can help you gain more confidence in your own sexuality, help you communicate better with your partner which in turn creates closeness and mutuality. Do you know what gets you in the mood and receptive towards having sex with your partner? And do you know what gets in the way of your desire for sex?

In this episode we will be talking about unfinished business. Is there something that you wish you had said to a friend/family member/partner or colleague? We will be talking about.......communication that has been left hanging. Frequently, we don't tell another person what we think or feel because of an underlying fear that the other person may not like what we say. Our unexpressed feelings or thoughts may stay with us for hours, days or sometimes even years. Why is it to difficult to say certain things to our partner? In relationships some partner struggle to say what needs saying. They may prefer to sulk. We explore the challenges that people face in expressing what they need to express and the impact it has on us in the short and long term.

Following on from episode 15 we explore further ideas from Transactional Analysis. In this episode you'll learn:- how to be more empowered in your relationship- how to help your partner feel more empowered- the drivers behind our behaviour- to understand why your partner behaves and communicates in the way they doDiscover how transactional analysis can help you and your relationships in this episode.

In today's episode I will talk to Judith Plastow, counsellor, psychotherapist and coach. Judith had worked at as a senior manager at Sky and Yahoo in her previous career. In addition to working as a lecturer on the MSc Integrative Counselling and Coaching at the University of East London, Judith runs women's groups in companies where mothers returning to work can discuss the challenges that they face. Women frequently struggle with issues like low confidence and impostor syndrome. Returning to work after maternity leave brings up additional concerns for many mothers: guilt about leaving the baby behind, worries about being deskilled at work or juggling the demands of home and work. Judith discusses what it means to be 'good enough' in both roles and how to manage these multi-faceted demands. We start off the episode by looking at the recent challenges faced by parents whose children were at home during the Covid-19 pandemic lockdown and we are also discussing the impact of having a child has on fathers.

In this episode we will look at one of the most commonly used models of Transactional Analysis, the Parent/Adult/Child model. Transactional Analysis is a form of therapy that looks at the way that we talk to each other. At any given point in time we are in either in a Parent, Child or Adult state of mind that determines how we receive and respond to other people. When we are in a Parent state of mind our thoughts, feelings and behaviours are those that we learned from parental figures in our life, e.g. telling someone else what to do or not or looking after someone else. When we are in a Child state of mind we may be playful, compliant or throw a temper tantrum. In an Adult state we mediate between Parent and Child. Transactional Analysis helps us to examine which state we are in and to understand what happens when your partner is in a Parent state and you are in a Child state or vice versa. The insights that can be gained from these interactions are hugely helpful in understanding difficulties in our communication and how to address these.

In this podcast I'm talking with Dr Henrie Lidiard, where we are talking about how the Eneagram can help you have deeper insight into your relationships.Henrie began her career as a research scientist, and has spent the last 20 years helping people improve their relationships at work through self-awareness and communication skills. She is a master trainer of NLP, an Enneagram trainer and is based in West Yorkshire where she lives with her partner of 26 years and a cat who adopted them during lockdown.In this podcast she is talking about the Enneagram, which is a powerful and profound model for understanding archetypal patterns in human nature. It is sometimes described as “A map of the human soul”.

Everyone faces challenges at some point in their life. Recently with the pandemic, there have been more challenging times than ever.In this podcast are talking about permanence and pervasiveness: the idea that a challenging situation feels like it will never end and the idea that it colours all of your life. Often we may feel that we are helpless in the face of a challenge, we may feel that we have no control over our life. In the podcast we are also talking about projection: feeling worried or stressed with challenges often leads to passing on that stress and frustration to the person who is closest to us. Many relationships in the last year have been affected in this way; partners struggled with taking on the other's stress on top of their own. We explore how anger with the current situation plays out in relationships with our partners, colleagues and the public at large. There are times when it can feel like we don't have the strength we need to get through the current situation we face. However, everyone has resources within them that they often don't realise exist. Learning how to deal with challenges can help build your strength and resilience. In this podcast, we explore all of the above challenges and consider what you might be able to do to address them.

In today's episode I will be talking with Dr Mariette Jansen, author of 'From Victim to Victor - Narcissism Survival Guide'.Mariette trained as a psychotherapist and later on as a life coach focusing in particular on issues related to stress at the workplace or personal life. Mariette has had her own experience of having narcissists in her life: her mother is a narcissist and Mariette was in a relationship with a narcissist. She has written 'From Victim to Victor' from the perspective of surviving these relationships. If you have a narcissist in your life - be it a partner, parent, friend, work colleague - this podcast will help you to learn how they operate, how they impact on you and what strategies you can develop to move away from the narcissist. If you aren't sure whether a certain person in your life is a narcissist, stay tuned to find out whether they show signs of narcissism like grandiosity or not being able to handle criticism.Her best selling and award winning book 'From Victim to Victor' is available on Amazon.

Loneliness can affect almost anyone.During the pandemic the experience of feeling lonely has become an even greater issue. More and more people report that they are struggling with feeling isolated. Loneliness has become a major source of emotional and mental health concern.We can experience loneliness when single and when we are in a relationship. You can have a large family but still find yourself feeling alone and disconnected from everybody. There are different degrees of loneliness. Some people feel lonely some of the time; others have a more profound and continuous experience of loneliness. If you experience profound loneliness there are good reasons for this. It helps to understand the underlying reasons for this experience and to consider how to overcome associated challenges.In this episode, we are going to explore loneliness and isolation. We will explore the experience of feeling lonely and explore some strategies that may help you on your way towards more connection.

In this episode I'm talking with Sarah K Ramsey. Sarah K Ramsey is a Toxic Relationship Specialist, Life Coach and NLP Master Practitioner who helps amazing women remember how amazing they are after enduring the pain of a toxic partner or parent. She works with women who have experienced toxic relationships and who remain stuck in a cycle of pain and confusion transform their minds and lives by taking back their power, recreating a life they are excited about living and bringing renewed energy, clarity, and excellence into establishing careers and relationships they love. Her podcast Toxic Person Proof has been ranked in the top 5% of podcasts globally and was rated the best podcast for getting over your ex. Her work has been featured in the Emotional Abuse Recovery and Resilience Summit, Healing Narcissistic Trauma Conference, Medium, Thrive Global, The Elephant Journal and The Courageous Woman Summit. Contact Sarah at sarah@sarahkramsey.com or www.sarahkramsey.com/contact.

We all experience anxiety at times for a number of reasons, for example because of stress at work, concerns about our health or worries about our friendships or relationships. Currently, anxiety levels generally are very high because of COVID-19 concerns. We experience anxiety when we feel that we are under threat and when we are dealing with uncertainty. Anxiety leads to challenges in relationships and vice versa. If you feel worried about your partner this will impact the relationship; if the relationship throws up difficulties, you may start to feel anxious. Generally speaking, you are more likely to experience anxiety if you have an insecure attachment style and interpret other people’s intentions or behaviour in a way that is not favourable towards you.In this podcast we talk about the biological reasons for feeling anxious sometimes as well as the different forms that anxiety can take. When anxiety gets out of hand it can manifest as Generalised Anxiety, Health Anxiety, Social Anxiety, Panic Attacks, OCD or PTSD. We experience anxiety in our bodies and in our thoughts, feelings and behaviours. Managing anxiety is crucial: we will talk you through one exercise that you can do to calm your body and your mind. Working effectively with anxiety entails a focus on relaxing your body, challenging your thoughts and addressing the underlying causes to change your behaviour.

In this podcast I'm talking to Thomas Kampe, Professor of Somatic Performance and Education. Thomas was born in Germany and moved to the UK in his twenties. Thomas has worked as a performing artist, researcher and educator across the globe. He has worked with a number of well known choreographers, dancers, play writers and artists. In this interview you will witness Thomas' passion for and commitment to his work: he loves witnessing change in the participants he works with. For example, students learn how a focus on small movements helps us to tune in better to what we are experiencing internally. Thomas is a qualified teacher of the Feldenkrais method which informs his work greatly. Students learn to go through a sequence of movements that they repeat and explore, gaining insight into internal sensations. Shifts can be achieved by moving differently. Moving differently in turn will impact not only on physical sensations but also on a person's thinking and feeling. In this work Thomas has witnessed his students becoming more self-aware and confident, moving differently through the world.This podcast will help you learn more about the body and mind connection. There is room for all of us to pay more attention to our bodies and the kind of repetitive movements that are not serving us well.

Have you ever felt blamed for something you didn't do? Maybe even when you know the person blaming you is the one who behaves in that way?Or have you ever been attracted to the 'wrong' type of people?If so, it could be influenced by projection.Projection is where we attribute our unwanted thoughts, feelings, motives and desires onto other people. Some signs we may be projecting are when we feel overly hurt or defensive about something someone has said or done.Or when we allow someone to push our buttons in ways that don't happen with other people. We can also project positive qualities onto other people that may not be there, and lead us getting into relationships that aren't good for us.In this episode, we're going to talk about projection and some of the things you can do to become aware of it and positively influence your relationships.

Have you ever dreamed of things you'd like to achieve in life, but never took action on them? We all are full of potential and capable of so much more than most of us ever fulfil. So what stops so many of us from achieving that potential?In this episode I am talking with Floyd Woodrow. Floyd has spent his career achieving at the highest possible level and has developed a unique approach to helping people achieve their potential.Having served in the SAS for more than 20 years, Floyd Woodrow MBE DCM has achieved at the very highest levels. Inspiring his men in the most demanding of situations, he drove his team to success, ultimately being awarded the UK's second-highest award for gallantry, the Distinguished Conduct Medal.Floyd Woodrow is Managing Director and founder of Chrysalis Worldwide, a world leading values-based organisation, and owner of Quantum Group, recently winning an innovation award for 2018 in the Fintech sector.Floyd has an excellent track record of success as a Military Leader, Director, Non-Executive Director, Consultant and Negotiator. Floyd is challenging, supportive and totally committed to developing elite teams and individuals as well as offering practical and commercial value in strategic planning and execution.Floyd has established an international reputation for designing and running leadership and elite performance training in sports, business, government, police, not for profit organisations and education.

Have you ever felt like you've tried everything and nothing seems to work?Maybe if you are single, you've been on dozens of dates or spent years looking for the relationship you know you deserve, but still haven't found it.Or maybe you've been arguing with your partner for months and it feels like it is never going to get better?In this episode we're talking about hope. Hope is essential to help motivate you and give you energy to keep going at those times when things are challenging. In the darkest hours, hope gives us the mindset and emotional resources to keep going until we find a solution. Hope provides us with agency and pathways: it enables us to have the will and determination to achieve a goal and to find ways to get there.Over years of working with clients, one of the most important factors that prevents someone from falling into helplessness is hope. So in this episode, we're going to explore what hope is and how to find it.

In this episode we're going to be talking about how to deal with arguments and conflict in relationships. In particular, over the last few months there have been even more strains on relationships. The majority of relationships don't last and a huge part of this is because people don't know how to deal with conflict.Learning how to deal with conflict is crucial to build long term and fulfilling relationships.

In this episode I'm talking to Derek Clark, one of the founders of the Holistic Equitation Centre and creator of the Schooling Made Simple online coaching programme. In this fascinating discussion, you'll learn about how change and amazing relationships really come from developing a deep level of understanding and empathy. Derek Clark has been helping people achieve their dreams in sport and in business for nearly 40 years. After enjoying success in rowing at school and university, he became one of the first professional rowing coaches in the UK and helped his athletes achieve success at all levels - from complete beginners to world champions. In 1996 he was a coach of the Swiss Rowing Team that won 2 gold medals at the Olympic Games in Atlanta. Then, as ‘Technical Consultant' to the Oxford University Boat Club he helped them turn a 7-year losing streak into 7 wins from the next 10 years in the annual Boat Race against Cambridge.Derek also has a strong entrepreneurial and business background. He has run his own businesses for over 20 years and delivered coaching and training in leadership and communication skills to managers and directors of some of the UK’s best known companies.Just over 20 years ago, Derek discovered a whole new angle on life when his wife Jo (who was also a rowing finalist at the Olympic Games in Seoul in 1988) bought her own horse for the very first time. But the dream quickly turned into a nightmare when they discovered her new ‘dream’ horse, Perry, was actually a very unhappy, frightened and dangerous creature who hated anything at all to do with humans. Convinced that he must have been drugged when she had tried him out, Jo was unwilling to resell Perry or have him put to sleep and so, while Derek was learning all about horses for the first time, she had to let go of everything she thought she 'knew’ from a lifetime of riding because her own horse told her it all stank and there was no way he was going to put up with it! Fortunately, Derek and Jo’s search for a better way uncovered some almost forgotten, centuries-old knowledge and wisdom that has been kept alive in the modern day only by a handful of teachers. After immersing themselves in years of study, they learned how a different approach can enable any caring rider to develop a deep relationship of trust with even very sensitive or ‘difficult' horses, while at the same time being able to train and educate them to a high level.Since Perry’s turnaround, they've been inundated with requests for help from people who care what their horses think about life. They’ve spent the last 15 years showing other people how to make riding and training their own horses more productive, more effective and more fun for both parties.

In this episode we're going to be talking about attachment styles. Your attachment style can have a huge impact in your finding and creating a great relationship. It also determines whether you're going to be happy in your long term relationship. Understanding your relationship style and another person's style will help you find better relationships and also help you improve your existing relationships. So tune in to find out about this really important topic.

In this episode we're talking about how to improve relationships during the pandemic, both for people in relationships and also for single people wanting to date. If you're stuck at home with your partner for weeks, it often leads to conflict. We're talking about ways to help you deal with that conflict and save your relationship.We also talk about how social restrictions could actually be a way that could help you find a fulfilling long term relationship if you are currently single.