79% of our community members want their partners to be more romantic. Romance seems to come so easy at the beginning of a relationship, but feels so much harder to sustain long-term! In this episode, we’ll walk you through specific steps to get your partner to be more romantic. You’ll discover your toxic beliefs about romance, the ways you’re actually missing romantic gestures, and tons of specific romantic suggestions. We also asked men to tell us why they’re not more romantic, and what their partners could do to encourage more romance. You’re definitely going to want to tune in for the answers! Links & Resources: Challenge: Sweet or Spicy If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

You might already know that you’re a 3 on the Enneagram, a generator in human design, or an ENTJ in Myers–Briggs. But do you know your personality type in the bedroom?  Today we’re breaking down our Sex Personality Types model. Our 11 types help you understand what great sex means to you, and what you’re really looking to experience. We’ll help you figure out your type - and your partner’s! We’ll also tell you what to do if your types are different, because - spoiler alert - you probably are!  Links & Resources: Instagram: @vanessaandxander If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Snip snap! We’re back with part 2 of Xander’s vasectomy journey. (Start with part 1 if you want to hear his story.) This time we’re answering all your questions about the process from start to finish (literally, all 30 “finishes”). Did Xander have any pain during sex after the procedure? Did his sex drive change? Do his balls hang lower? Is his semen a different color, texture, or volume, and does it smell funny now? Did his vasectomy make him feel less masculine? Plus, we share tons of advice about how to talk to your male partner about getting a vasectomy! Links & Resources: Check out our homepage If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had! Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Thanks EarthBreeze!  EarthBreeze.com/pillow to subscribe to Earth Breeze and save 40%!

We asked you to share your funniest foreplay fails, and you REALLY delivered! Today we’re sharing the dangers of jalapeños, why you shouldn’t chew gum during oral, and some bad Cosmo advice about armpits! But we couldn’t leave it at just your stories; we had to include some of our funniest fails as well. Trust us, you definitely want to hear what happened the very first time Vanessa ever gave someone a blowjob, and the time Xander didn’t really make it to foreplay… If you want to avoid your own foreplay fail, we’re also sharing our #1 resource for having the best foreplay experience of your life! Links & Resources: Guide: The Foreplay Guides If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Xander got a vasectomy! By popular demand, we’re walking you through the entire process - how and why we decided to go this route, finding the right doctor, the procedure itself (including the truth about how painful it really was…), aftercare, and so much more. We also share some hilarious details about preparing for the procedure (including some truly bizarre pictures), Xander’s rant for the haters, and the post-procedure test that had Xander PANICKING! If you’ve ever wanted the inside scoop on vasectomies, this is an episode you won't want to miss. And stay tuned for part 2, where we’ll answer all of your burning questions about the procedure. Links & Resources: Check out our homepage If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had! Thanks, Green Chef! Go to GreenChef.com/60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off, plus 20% off your next 2 months

2023 has been one wild ride! This podcast - all 136 episodes so far - has been a major part of our year, so what better way to celebrate than counting down our top 10 moments from Pillow Talks in 2023? Take a stroll down memory lane to the moments when we couldn't stop laughing or could barely believe the words coming out of our mouths. Your support means the world to us and we can’t wait to keep growing this community. Happy New Year from all of us to all of you! Links & Resources: Check out our podcast page here! vmtherapy.com/podcast If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

The first time we did Am I The Asshole it was a major success, so we knew we had to bring it back for a part two! In this special holiday edition, we’ve got more fiery takes on your craziest seasonal stories. We’re talking about in-laws, gift exchanges gone wrong, and a workplace Christmas party with a very important side note. Plus, a special guest joins us to weigh in on whether or not Vanessa is actually the holiday asshole… This is an episode you’ll definitely want to put on in the car on the way to your family dinner. Or play at your family celebration and start some conversations! Once you’ve listened to the episode, come back and let us know which story was your favorite and whether or not you agree with our opinions. Links & Resources: Podcast episodes: Episode 37: The Truth About Why We’re Child Free If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

We all feel like we’re supposed to just be naturally good at intercourse, but there are so many dynamics that can trip us up! What positions are best? How do you MOVE during it? What do you do if one of you can easily orgasm from intercourse, but the other can’t?! We asked our audience what their biggest frustrations are when it comes to intercourse, and we got back some surprising, and some not-so-surprising, answers. We struggled with intercourse early in our own relationship, so we related to a lot of responses. In this episode, we’re sharing exactly what to do to fix these common challenges. And Xander even gives us the inside scoop on the male perspective when it comes to the challenges and pressures of intercourse. Links & Resources: Guide: Next Level Intercourse If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

“We’re just not having sex anymore...” If you’ve found yourself uttering (or even just thinking) this line, you’re not alone. So many couples will experience a loss of not just their sex life but intimacy altogether. When we released Dead Bedrooms Part One earlier this year, it instantly became one of our top episodes of all time. So we decided to bring it back for a Part Two with a brand new couple.   In this episode, you get to take a peek into another couple’s bedroom as we help them navigate how to resuscitate their sex life. We’re giving our top pointers for reconnecting inside the bedroom and out, tips on how to move through the difficult conversations, and a few suggestions for resources that can help the process along. A dead bedroom can feel draining and never-ending but we promise you there is a light at the end of the tunnel if you’re willing to keep going!   Links & Resources: Book: Sex Talks: The 5 Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Course: Art Of Initiation Course: Rediscovering Us Website: Home Page If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

This episode is all about the most viral piece of content we’ve ever made - why we make out every single night before bed. Our two-minute video has amassed almost 20 million views on social, was talked about on daytime TV shows, and even landed us an interview with the New York Times. We had no idea that this topic would be so popular, but it clearly struck a nerve! So we decided to break our nightly ritual down for you in more detail and answer the most common questions we get asked. We’re spilling the beans on: Why we decided to do it in the first place If it’s awkward getting it started every night If we still do it even when we’re angry with each other If it makes intimacy feel like an obligation or a chore   Links & Resources: Book: Sex Talks: The 5 Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Guide: Art Of Initiation Instagram: @vanessaandxander   Thanks Babbel. Visit Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription. Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow Thanks Je Joue!  Go to JeJoue.com for their Black Friday sale Nov 10 - Nov 30!

“What? I was just being honest!” This is one of the most common phrases that gets uttered during conflicts between couples. We’ve all been taught to believe that honesty is a virtue, but let's be real, some of us are crossing the line between honesty into cruelty. In this episode, we asked you to tell us about the situations where your partner said something that felt cruel to you, or you said something to your partner that felt cruel to them. We’re giving you our hot takes on if it was honest or just plain mean. We’re even sharing some of our very personal (and very embarrassing) moments when we were way too honest with each other! Links & Resources: Our email list: vmtherapy.com/subscribe Instagram: @vanessaandxander If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had! Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Thanks Uncommon Goods! Get 15% off your next gift at uncommongoods.com/PILLOW Thanks Je Joue!  Go to JeJoue.com for their Black Friday sale Nov 10 - Nov 30! Products we love from Je Joue: The Couples Collection Gift Set

In February, we released our book, Sex Talks: The 5 Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. It was an instant New York Times bestseller! Now that the book has been out for close to a year, we thought it was about time to sit down and share the feedback we’ve gotten from thousands of readers. In this episode, we’re giving you the five biggest takeaways from the book, including the shocking assumptions that you don’t realize are impacting your sex life, the dynamics that are ruining emotional intimacy, and the topic that got us almost 20 million views on social media and an interview with the New York Times. Links & Resources: Book: Sex Talks: The 5 Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Course: Art Of Initiation Workbook: Mental Load Workbook If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had! Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Thanks Babbel. Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription. Thanks Je Joue!  Go to JeJoue.com for their Black Friday sale Nov 10 - Nov 30!

Today we’re talking about something we’ve never heard talked about openly… silent sex. Did you know that more than 50% of people regularly have sex where at least one partner is completely silent? This might not initially seem like a huge deal, but there are actually a number of drawbacks to having totally quiet sex. In today’s episode, we’re breaking down for you why you’re having silent sex, the benefits of making some noise in the bedroom, and some simple steps to help you get more comfortable with it! You’ll also learn the surprising truth about which gender in a male/female relationship is the quiet one… Links & Resources: Guide: Dirty Talk 101 Guide: Modern Man’s Guide   Go to GreenChef.com/60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS

Do you wish your partner was more invested in your relationship? Do you find yourself wishing they would plan more date nights, spend less time on their phone and more time with you, or show you that they’re actively working on being a better partner? If so, you’re not alone. 70% of people are longing for a more involved partnership. We know — from personal experience — that getting your partner to be more active can feel challenging. Maybe you just don’t know how to start the conversation or how to phrase your request. Or maybe you asked, but your partner never followed through. Or maybe they even said “no”. Whatever the case may be, we’ll give you some sneaky yet effective ways to get your partner more invested in your relationship. Links & Resources: Challenge: The Connection Challenge Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor.

This week we’re bringing back one of your favorite series - Ask Us Anything. This time we’re doing the sex therapy business secrets edition! Let’s be real… business can sometimes be boring. So we asked our community to send in their nosiest questions. The questions they didn’t think we’d have the nerve to answer. We're pushing out of our comfort zone and answering questions like, do we ever get turned on while working? Have we ever regretted talking about something publicly? And do we ever have imposter syndrome? Tune in to hear us spill all our secrets! Links & Resources: Book: Sex Talks Guide: Next Level Intercourse Subscribe to our email list at vmtherapy.com/subscribe Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Thanks Babbel. Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription.

Is it normal to notice a bad odor after intercourse? What about queefing? How the heck does everyone else manage clean-up after sex? In this episode, we’re talking about all the unexpected things we experience during sex, but that no one ever talks about openly! We’re giving you the run-down on the most embarrassing bodily functions, how to avoid them, what to do in the moment when they happen, and reassurance that these things are perfectly normal. And we even round it out with some hilarious stories from our listeners, so we can all stop feeling so embarrassed and alone! Links & Resources: Previous Episode: Episode 99: The Bristle Reaction: What It Is, How It Happens, And What You Can Do To Fix It Previous Episode: Episode 49: The Truth About Squirting (And Why Men Are Obsessed With It) Previous Episode: Episode 68: The Ultimate Butt Stuff Episode   Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS

Today’s episode is inspired by the popular Reddit thread, Am I The Asshole? We’re giving you our hot takes on some of the trickiest situations submitted by our audience. Tune in for stories about faking orgasms for 24 years, forgetting your partner's birthday, and even unknowingly being someone's first time! Grab your partner and join us for this entertaining episode that’s sure to get you debating right alongside us. Once you’re done listening, let us know your favorite story and whether or not you agree with our stance! Links & Resources: Guide: Next Level Intercourse Guide: Ultimate Foreplay Guides Guide: Butt Stuff   Go to GreenChef.com/60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode125

Did you know that 86% of people worry that their sex life is too boring? It’s so easy to get caught up in anxiety about your sex life. You can’t help but wonder if everyone else is doing it more often than you are, or if they’re enjoying it more. And let’s be honest - it’s hard to get excited about doing the same thing, in the same place, at the same time, every time… In today’s episode, we’re sharing 5 secrets to shift sex with your partner from ho-hum to mind-blowing! Get ready for some simple but powerful changes you can implement tonight. Links & Resources: Course: The Sex Challenge   Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode124

Whenever we ask parents what gets in the way of intimacy after kids, the most frequent answer we hear is time. As a parent, everything becomes about the kids, and it feels like there’s no space or energy for intimacy. But your partner and the love you share are special, and deserve your time. So let’s talk about how to create that. We asked the parents in our audience to share their best advice for other parents, and we've prepared a buffet of tips to support you on your journey to reconnect! Tune in and get ready to reignite the spark in your relationship, even amidst the beautiful chaos of parenthood. Links & Resources: Course:  The Sex Challenge   Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode123

Links & Resources: Guide: Art Of Initiation Guide: Survivor’s Guide Does your partner ever touch you in ways, times, or places that you don't feel comfortable with? A staggering 78% of people have experienced unwanted touch in their relationships. We’re talking things like boob honks, humping from behind, and ass smacks. So what are you supposed to do when the person you love and trust is touching your body in ways that you don’t like? There’s one thing we’re clear on: it’s your body, and you get to decide how it gets touched. That being said, there can be nuances in these kinds of situations. What if you’ve never told your partner you don’t like that kind of touch? What if you know your partner has good intentions, but just isn’t understanding your boundaries? In this episode, we're not just highlighting the problem; we're providing solutions. We'll walk you through the three most common scenarios when it comes to unwanted touch in relationships, and provide practical guidance on how to tackle them. Whether you're seeking advice on communication, setting boundaries, or understanding consent, we've got you covered. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Thanks Babbel. Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode122

Links & Resources: Guide: Art Of Initiation Are you a woman who wants sex more than your male partner? All we see on TV, movies, and social media is men wanting it more, so if that’s not the case in your relationship, you may feel like something is horribly wrong. But after polling our community, we found that almost half of male-female relationships have this dynamic! That has even been the case for us in seasons of our relationship. We’re here to remove the shame, show you how normal it is for the woman to want sex more often, and tell you what to do to balance your libidos. Because mismatched sex drives - regardless of who has the higher drive - don’t need to be a dealbreaker. In this episode you’ll learn: Real life responses from men and women about how higher female libido affects them The 4 ways couples accidentally make things worse The single most overlooked step that could make a world of difference Go to GreenChef.com/60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode121

Links & Resources: Course: Art Of Initiation Today we’re putting Xander in the hot seat and making him answer all your burning questions about male behavior. Why do they hook boobs? Why are they such big babies when they’re sick? And of course, the age-old question: what's the deal with their marathon bathroom visits? Get ready for lots of laughter and some eye-opening insights. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode120

Links & Resources: Challenge: The Sex Challenge Challenge: The Connection Challenge Course: Art Of Initiation Jealousy is one of the most difficult emotions to face, and it feels even trickier when it comes up in your romantic relationship. It’s such a common feeling to have, but it’s also so challenging to even acknowledge. We asked our community to share what stirs up jealousy in their relationship. Four core themes emerged: work, friendships, sex, and attraction to others. We work through these real-life examples and give you a powerful toolkit for grappling with jealousy in your relationship. Most importantly, you’ll learn to pay attention to what jealousy is really trying to tell you. After listening to this episode, you’ll feel empowered to face your feelings head on. And you might be surprised by what you learn when you do... Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Go to GreenChef.com/60pillow and use code 60pillow to get 60% off plus free shipping! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode119

Links & Resources: Guide: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides Foreplay? More like the BEST way! Today we’re talking about the part of sex that never gets the credit it deserves - foreplay! Foreplay is the number one way to get your partner to orgasm, and one of the best ways to create more intimacy, connection, and excitement. With all those benefits, why aren’t we doing it more often? 88% of men and 59% of women say they want more! But 67% of women feel like they’re “too needy” for wanting foreplay, 56% say they struggle to receive it, and 62% say foreplay feels boring or awkward. With numbers like that, we know you can relate! In today’s episode, we lay out the 5 things we’re all getting wrong about foreplay, how to have more, and how to make it better than ever. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode118

Links & Resources: Our NYT Bestselling Book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life What do you assume or secretly suspect about us? Or what have you simply been curious about? In this episode, we’re diving headfirst into the assumptions you sent our way after we posted those questions on Instagram. From light-hearted and sexy to profoundly personal, your submissions held nothing back, and we’re sharing our vulnerable and honest truths! Our goal? To make you chuckle, perhaps catch you off guard (like we were when reading some of these), and give you a peek behind the curtain. Join us for a hilarious episode that will challenge your assumptions and have you shouting, "I did not see that coming!” Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode117

Links & Resources: Guide: The Connection Challenge Do you ever find yourself mid-sentence with your partner and realize that they’re not even remotely paying attention to you? No one wants to feel like they’re competing with a device for their partner's attention, but it’s not like you can just toss the damn thing out. If you’re frustrated with your partner’s phone usage, tune in to learn practical ways to establish better phone routines and deepen your connection irl with your partner. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode116

Links & Resources: Course: Art Of Initiation How do you maintain intimacy while grieving? We’ve had many requests to create this podcast episode, and to be honest, we resisted because the topic felt so heavy. But then we experienced our own loss - our beloved companion, Winston the pug. Suddenly, we were trying to figure out how to navigate sex and grief in our own relationship. In this incredibly vulnerable episode, we share our experience of mourning. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but we hope our story can help others on the same path. With insights from our community, we explore various approaches to intimacy, recognizing the complexities and intensity of this experience. Tune in to discover how to honor individual grieving processes while finding solace and connection amidst the sorrow. We may be tearful and still in the healing process, but there is still joy to be had, and we’re here to help you find it. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode115

Has your partner ever done or said something painful, leaving you wondering, “Can we come back from this?” Sometimes you need an outside party to either guide you and your partner through moving past the hurt, or to validate that the relationship can’t survive the blow. Prepare yourself to hear some pretty spicy takes as we examine each situation and get real about when to talk it out, when to just plain walk, and how to know the difference. Because while we fully support communication and forgiveness, we also advocate the enforcement of boundaries, intention, and respect. Tune in to the episode, then meet us over on IG and let us know if you agree with our advice or have your own hot take! Babbel.com/pillow for 55% off your subscription. Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode114

Links & Resources: Challenge: The Sex Challenge Course: Art Of initiation Course: Next level Intercourse Guide: Ultimate Foreplay Guides Masterclass: Bring Your Sex Life Back To Life Want to unlock the secrets to great pregnancy sex? We know, your body feels alien to you, your hormones are all over the place, and somehow all the things that used to work in the bedroom just don’t feel the same anymore. But don’t worry, it’s still possible to keep the fires burning while pregnant. We’re here to guide you through the most common challenges couples face during this extraordinary journey. We’re talking about things like body image issues, fears of hurting the baby, and libido changes. Grab your partner and tune in together, because this episode will leave you feeling ready to reconnect! Go to drinkAG1.com/PILLOW to get a FREE 1-year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode113

Links & Resources: Course: The Connection Challenge Compliments. They sound like such a small act but they can make such a huge difference in the intimacy of your relationship. But for most couples, compliments are surprisingly hard to come by! Maybe you’ve never been good at receiving them, so now your partner doesn’t feel it’s worth the effort. Maybe your family never gave compliments when you were growing up, so you’re uncomfortable with them. Or maybe you’ve simply forgotten how sweet they can be! We’re here to help you figure out what your partner wants to hear, and how to move past the blockages that leave you tongue tied. Our tips will create little moments of happiness and gratitude in your relationship, and remind you what you love about each other. This compliment roadmap is also the perfect soundtrack to play in the background, allowing your partner to "accidentally" overhear our tips. Warning: this episode can cause butterflies, excessive kisses, and possible trips to the nearest bedroom. Go to GreenChef.com/pillow50 and use code pillow50 to get 50% off plus free shipping. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode112

Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Free Guide: The Survivor’s Guide Why is it so hard to talk to your partner about sex? You talk about everything else, but the minute it becomes about your sex life, they shut down. It’s not just you! In our recent Instagram poll, 52% of people reported having this issue with a partner. In this episode, we dissect the four most common reasons why partners refuse to talk about sex, and help you understand the reasons your partner may behave this way. We give you specific examples of what to say (and not say) so you can get past the stonewalling and dismissal and have open and real conversations about your sex life. So if you’re ready to break down some walls and create the intimacy you desire, then tune in! Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Go to drinkAG1.com/PILLOW to get a FREE 1-year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode111

Want to hear some of the craziest things that have ever happened to our community in the middle of sex? We asked you guys to share your most hysterical and mortifying stories, and wow did you deliver! We may be serious about sex education, but we also think there’s a lot of humor to find in all the awkward mishaps! We choose not to shrink in shame, especially if it makes for a great story! So if you’re looking for a good belly laugh or just want to delight in some cautionary tales, buckle up, because these are the cream of the crop. If you love these as much as we do, let us know. And maybe you’ve got one good enough to make the cut for part 2? Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode110

Links & Resources: Guide: The Art Of Initiation Are you frustrated by how sex gets initiated in your relationship? Does the way your partner initiates feel boring, frustrating, or annoying? Do you find yourself feeling too self-conscious or awkward to initiate? If so, you’re not alone! We polled our audience, and only 17% of people were happy with the state of initiation with their partners. Shocked by those initial findings, we decided to dig even deeper with an in-depth survey. Over 10,000 people responded! In this episode, we break down the fascinating results. Who initiates most often? Who gets turned down most often? Does having kids affect initiation? Bad initiation sucks in the moment, but it goes even deeper than that. You might find yourself asking, “Is it me? Does my partner still find me attractive? Do they not think I’m worth the effort anymore?” You may find yourself losing attraction for your partner, or desiring sex less. You might wind up arguing, going cold, or questioning your compatibility. This is a big issue in relationships, and it’s crucial that we solve it! Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode109.

Links & Resources: Guide: Ultimate Foreplay Guides Guide: Next Level Intercourse Guide: Sexual Mastery Package Real talk - are you faking orgasms? There are so many understandable reasons why you may have started faking. Maybe you were trying to protect your partner’s ego, or trying to make it seem like there was good chemistry between the two of you. Maybe you were worried about taking too long to orgasm, or maybe you‘d never had one so you didn’t even know how you were supposed to get there with your partner. But what do you do if you’re now in the situation where you’ve been faking for so long that you don’t know how to get yourself out of the hole? We have good news and better news. First, you’re not broken and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. And we have three options for how to stop faking and start having the orgasms that you deserve! Because life’s too short to fake your way through sex. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode108. Thanks Athletic Greens. Go to athleticgreens.com/pillow to get a FREE 1-year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase.

This week, we’re dedicating an entire episode to our queer community! Inclusivity is one of our core company values, and while we try to make all of our content as inclusive as possible, we wanted to highlight and celebrate our queer community in this special episode. It was important to us to center the queer experience, so we asked our queer community members to share questions they would love to ask to other queer people. We got questions like: Best tips for navigating the coming out process? How do I honor my bisexuality in a straight-facing relationship? How do I navigate being queer but not feeling "queer enough"? It was beautiful to witness our audience spread love and compassion to one another. (And to be honest, most of it’s good advice for ANY relationship, because love is love, no matter the gender or orientation.) So this episode is really a love letter from us, giving a voice to a group of people so often overlooked when it comes to content about love and relationships. We see you, we honor you, and we hope you leave this episode knowing you deserve happiness, you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, and you are enough. Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode107

In over 100 episodes of Pillow Talks, we’ve never had a guest. But we broke the mold to bring on Tracy O’Malley, and after hearing this episode, we think you’ll understand why. Tracy is a phenomenal Enneagram expert who helps you understand how your personality type affects how you show up in life and love. We thought it would be fun to do a couples session with Tracy, and we gave her full permission to share our strengths and challenges with you. We were absolutely blown away - like jaws on the floor - by how accurately she described our relationship. She explained how our Enneagram types (5 and 7) work in a relationship, the ways we’re accidentally driving each other nuts, and how we can show each other more grace. And she even provided tons of guidance for how people of any type can use the Enneagram to improve their relationships. (Just wait until you hear her tip about our younger selves...) Whether you’re an Enneagram newbie or pro, or if you just want an intimate peek into the inner workings of our relationship, this episode is a must-listen! Click here and use code PILLOW to access Tracy O’Malley’s Enneagram Type Blueprint for 5% off! Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode106

Get ready for the highly anticipated sequel to one of our most popular episodes yet! Back in Episode 91 we asked the age-old question, “Is This Normal?” We're back to deliver another round of jaw-dropping, mind-boggling, and side-splitting revelations in our second installment. You’ll get answers to questions like: Is it normal to resent my husband after having a baby? Is it normal that I started masturbating at age five? Is it normal for a man to need assistance to get hard? Is it normal being bored AF with partnered sex? And so much more! Prepare to laugh, cringe, and nod your head in recognition as we address your questions head-on! Links & Resources: Guide: Next Level Intercourse Guide: Rediscovering Desire Guide: Mental Load Workbook Guide: Ultimate Foreplay Guides Our Book: Sex Talks Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/PILLOW. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode105

Friends, followers, and first-time listeners, gather 'round for a podcast episode like no other! Get ready to dive into our New York Times instant best-selling book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life. With special permission from our publisher Simon & Schuster, we’re able to share the entire first chapter of the audiobook with you! The first chapter is a special one. After listening, you’ll understand why sex starts to feel so complicated in long-term relationships. You’ll no longer feel alone or scared about the future of your relationship. (So many people have told us they were in tears in the first few pages.) And you’ll feel inspired and excited to have these five Sex Talks with your partner! Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Thanks Athletic Greens. Go to athleticgreens.com/pillow to get a FREE 1-year supply of immune-supporting Vitamin D AND 5 FREE travel packs with your first purchase. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode104

Our “What Do Men Really Think About” episodes were so popular that we knew we just had to do an episode about what women are really thinking! So we asked our Instagram community to give us topics they’ve always been curious about, and we turned those questions into polls that we asked women to answer. This week, we’re sharing what women really think about topics like penis performance issues, masturbation, penis size, period sex (wait until you hear Xander’s story about his college girlfriend), and so much more! Links & Resources: Guide: Modern Man’s Guide Guide: Foreplay Guides Guide: Butt Stuff Bundle: Sexual Mastery Package (Foreplay Guides — Vulva and Penis Editions, Next Level Intercourse, Butt Stuff, Dirty Talk 101) Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode103.

You wanna go another round? Because we DEFINITELY do! It’s time for part 2 of Smash Or Pass, our series where we try out the internet’s weirdest sex tips. This time it’s all about intercourse. If you haven’t listened to the first one (episode 97), make sure you head over there after this episode. We thought we went as far out of the box as we’d ever go in that first episode, but we were wrong. Let’s just say that in this episode, we go to new heights of what we’re willing to do on air for you! Tune in to hear our hot takes on these intercourse tips, the most disastrous tip we’ve ever heard, and which ones were actually Pillow Talks Approved. Links & Resources: Guide: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides Guide: Next Level Intercourse Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get up to 35% off when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode102

Have you ever looked at your partner and thought to yourself, “I love you, but I don’t like you right now”? Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us! We’ve been dying to do an episode about the topic, but when we polled our audience on IG, it quickly became obvious that this needed to be a series, not just a single episode. So this week, we’re focusing on one of the most frequent complaints - gaming. 40% of our Instagram community said gaming is hurting their relationship. The gamers are feeling dismissed and misunderstood, and the partners are feeling lonely and unprioritized. In this episode, we’ll teach you how to both be accountable for your wants and needs, how to avoid common pitfalls, and even reveal the 3 things that gamers wish you knew as a non-gamer. Whether you’re listening together or solo, we hope you take some notes to help you get on the same page, because no hobby should come in between you and your partner. Head on over to our Instagram afterwards and tell us what you found most helpful, and also, let us know what you’d like to see as the next topic in the series! Links & Resources: Guide: Mental Load Workbook Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/PILLOW Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode101

Can you believe this is our 100th episode??? We knew we had to do something super special to commemorate the occasion, so we decided to play “Know Ya Boo” (bonus points if you get the Parks and Rec reference). You guys gave us 50 questions, and our job was to guess each other’s answers. The results had us in stitches from start to finish. There’s even one answer that we had to censor. Make sure you listen all the way through to get the scoop on which one of us comes out on top. (Let’s just say Vanessa got a little too excited to turn it into a competition!) Afterwards, you can play our version of Know Ya Boo with your partner. DM us with how it went, and if you beat our scores! In all seriousness though, doing 100 episode of Pillow Talks has been an honor and a joy. Thank you for coming along for the ride with us! Links & Resources: Guide: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides Guide: Next Level Intercourse Guide: Sexual Bucket List Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode100

Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? We recently made a TikTok about this term that Vanessa created, and 8 million people watched! The Bristle Reaction is when your partner comes in for a hug or a kiss, and you feel yourself recoil. No matter how much you love your partner, there are times when their touch can immediately create a sense of tension. We polled our Instagram audience and found out 84% of people have experienced The Bristle Reaction. Even though it’s so common, most people have no idea what to do about it. In fact, that’s been the main comment on our viral TikTok: “How do we fix it?” So strap in, because we’ve got what you need! We go through the 3 major reasons why The Bristle Reaction happens, and 6 ways to overcome it. If you’re ready to start enjoying your partner’s touch again, this episode is a must-listen! Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Guide: Initiation 101 Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode99

It’s time to talk about Dead Bedrooms. Does your sex life feel like a ghost of what it used to be? Has it felt that way so long that you don’t know if it will ever recover? Are you grappling with feelings of isolation, loneliness, shame, and/or hopeless? First of all, please know that you’re not alone. When we reached out to our Instagram audience asking people to share their stories of Dead Bedrooms, we were completely overwhelmed by the number of responses. There are so many couples feeling weighed down by not just the loss of their sex life, but their intimacy altogether. Their stories were so layered that “it’s complicated” doesn’t even begin to describe what’s been going on. So let’s talk about what it’s like to live with a Dead Bedroom and what you can do about it. We sifted through all the stories our community members sent in, and picked one to dissect live in this episode. You’ll get an intimate peek at what’s really going on in another couple’s bedroom. We’ll give you plenty of resources for navigating the pain and frustration, tips for getting the conversation going, and advice on navigating common pitfalls. A Dead Bedroom only stays that way if you let it; we’re here to help you resuscitate it! Links & Resources: Guide: Milfs, Dilfs, Pilfs Guide: Foreplay Guides Guide: Next Level Intercourse Our Book: Sex Talks Go to zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode98

We’ve all seen the articles from cheesy women’s magazines (and TikTok)…“10 foolproof ways to drive your man wild in bed!” But so many of the tips just sound weird. (Slipping a donut over his penis? Really?) There’s a never-ending supply of suggestions to supposedly turn up the heat in the bedroom, but do any of them actually work?? We asked our Instagram audience to share the sex tips they’ve always been curious about, and decided to be the guinea pigs for you! Along with some hilarious sex mishaps and admitting which ones made us run screaming, you’re gonna get the scoop on which sex tips are worth a try and which ones were truly just doomed from the start. You’ll even get to hear our actual voice memos from our experiments. Gulp. It was truly a wild ride, but since we’re doing this in the name of science, we also give you a cheat code or two on how to turn what sounds like a click-bait nightmare into a little trick to keep up your sleeve when you’re feeling like mixing it up. Links & Resources: Guide: The Foreplay Guides Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

Do you and your partner go to bed at the same time? In the same bed? In the same ROOM? It’s easy to get stuck in the stereotypes of what a couple “should” be doing, and what it means if you and your partner have unconventional sleep habits. After polling our Instagram audience, we found that many of you are worried that “different” is spelled t-r-o-u-b-l-e, so in this grab bag episode, we address a collection of sleep-related topics that we hope will put your minds at ease. We’ll tell you all about the choices we’ve made about bed times, bed arrangements, to cuddle or not to cuddle, and what to do with the dogs when it’s time for lights out. Now, we couldn’t talk about sleep habits without talking about the ever-popular subject of sex dreams, so don’t miss out on the hilarious revelations of what really gets our subconscious motors running and how we feel about not always co-starring in each other’s fantasies. (Heads up: At the very end of the episode, we define sexsomnia, how it can be a game-changer, and how it can bring up tricky issues around consent.) Links & Resources: YouTube Video: What Does It Mean If I Have A Sex Dream? Our Instagram: Vanessa + Xander Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode96

Mental Load sucks. But are you accidentally making it even harder? We originally talked about Mental Load way back in episode 4, and in today’s episode, we’re going to zone in on two nuances that can make or break your attempts to balance your partnership: perfectionism and male Mental Load. Do you have a specific way that you like tasks to be done around the house? Maybe you find yourself feeling frustrated at your partner because they never do things the way you would do them. Or you get upset when they try to “help” because they bombard you with so many questions that you end up just doing it yourself? Perfectionism is hard enough to deal with on its own, but when you combine it with Mental Load, it’s a recipe for disaster and resentment. Or maybe you’ve tried to talk to your partner about your Mental Load, but now you find yourselves in a competition about who is carrying more. You could list all the things you do for the house, for him, for the kids, but what would he have on his list? We asked the men in our community to talk about their Mental Load, and some of their answers may surprise you! (One answer was shocking enough that you’ll get to hear first-hand how to navigate a Mental Load conversation when your male partner carries a Load that’s invisible to you.) Men may not always know how to put into words what they carry, but the weight is still there, and it’s throwing off the scales of your partnership. Let us guide you through the minefield of gender roles, socialization, and the burden of perfectionism in this second edition of Mental Load. Grab your partner or play it loud enough for them to hear it in the other room, because this is the one episode your relationship can’t afford to miss! Links & Resources: Guide: Mental Load Workbook Podcast Episode Callback: Mental Load: What It Is and How to Stop It from Destroying Your Relationship Podcast Episode Callback: Fine, I’ll Just Do It Myself: The Danger of Weaponized Incompetence Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode95

Welcome to Pillow Talks! Is this your first time listening to our podcast? Maybe you bought our book Sex Talks and you’re just starting to dig into our episodes. Or maybe you’ve been listening for a while, but still don’t really know our story. Whatever the case may be, we’re so glad to have you and can’t wait to tell you a little more about who we are and what we do! It seems like a good time for a reintroduction into our backstory and all the content we have to offer. Ever wonder how a sex therapist and a regular dude partnered up to change to world one orgasm at a time? We’ll go into all of that and more in this episode, as we talk about building our brand on IG, spilling our secrets on the podcast, and changing as many relationships as possible with our classes and guides. So whether it’s your first time or your 50th, take a listen as we stroll down memory lane and share some great advice from the OG’s that have been here with us from the beginning. We promise, it’s gonna get weird! Links & Resources: Our #1 recommended guide : The Foreplay Guides Our most comprehensive course: Better, Hotter, More All our courses: The Courses Page Our book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode94

Ready for the most epic game of Would You Rather? We’ve done Would You Rather on Instagram a few times, and it was such a hit that we decided to bring it to the podcast. We asked you for your best Would You Rather questions, and sat down to play without discussing our answers beforehand. You’ll get to hear our genuine reactions and honest responses as we giggle our way through the submissions you’ve sent in. Stay tuned to the end to hear our immediate buyer’s remorse that sent us over the edge. Spoiler alert: Would You Rather is a silly game, but it’s also a sneaky and effective way to start genuinely useful conversations with your partner! Would you rather listen to a sex therapist and a regular dude dig into some thought (and laughter) provoking questions, OR miss out on the funniest hour of your life? Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks Guide: Next Level Intercourse Past Episode: Episode 83 How To Fight Fair In A Relationship: Breaking Down A Listener Argument Thanks RocketMoney.com/pillow. Rocket Money could save you hundreds a year! Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode93

It’s official… Sex Talks is a New York Times INSTANT Bestseller! But to be totally up front with you, the process of getting here has been pretty wild. There have been SO many surprises, frustrations, and downright heartbreaks. So we decided to pull back the curtain and get brutally honest about this journey has really been like. We’ve been keeping a secret journal of all of the ups and downs of the last few months. Stories we couldn’t tell you here or on Instagram. Stories we’re finally able and ready to reveal. So pull up a seat and sip your tea while we spill all of ours! Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode92

Have you ever had a question that you were too embarrassed to even Google? You know, the kinda stuff that you don’t even talk about with your best friend. The stuff that makes you ask, “Is this normal?” Well we have, and that’s why we decided to make an episode covering all the topics you can’t ask anywhere else. We asked you for your most embarrassing questions, then polled them all on Instagram. We collected enough evidence to prove, definitively, that no matter how you feel about any of these topics, you are certainly not alone! Tune in to hear us reveal some surprising outcomes, some hysterical hot takes, and the truth about what it means to be “normal”. Links & Resources: Guide: Butt Stuff Guide Guide: A Year of Creative Dates Masterclass: How To Know What You Want In the Bedroom YouTube: Is Your Vulva Normal Podcast Episode 48: How To Get Out Of (And Prevent) Dry Spells Podcast Episode 49: The Truth About Squirting (And Why Men Are Obsessed With It) Podcast Episode 43: How to STOP Getting Distracted During Sex! Podcast Episode 44: How To Get Your Partner To Open Up Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode91

Is it OK if you and your partner keep finding yourselves coming back to the missionary position during sex? Does that make your relationship - gasp! - vanilla? Missionary often gets judged as being boring, predictable, or beginner, and a lot of us feel embarrassed to admit that we like it. Well, take it from a sex therapist… vanilla is popular for a reason. Missionary can be wildly intimate, erotic, and even kinky when it’s done right. In this episode, we show you all the different ways to spice up Missionary. You don’t have to step outside of the box every night to have a smoking hot sex life; just a few tweaks can majorly turn up the heat! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode90 Links & Resources: Next Level Intercourse Dirty Talk Episode 53: How To Spice It Up In the Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks RocketMoney.com/pillow. RocketMoney could save you hundreds a year!

Do you want more intimacy in relationship? If your answer was, “Yes, but HOW?”, then you’re in the right place! We’ve been together for 15 years and know from personal experience how a relationship can ebb and flow right into a rut. You’re too tired, too overwhelmed, too embarrassed by how stale things have gotten, and you find yourself in the land of stagnation. Good thing we’ve come up with the cheat code! Whether you’re looking for more emotional or physical intimacy, or BOTH, we have you covered. This episode is jam packed with tips for rekindling the connection, how to get your partner on board with creating more intimacy, and even some real-life feedback from couples who have used our advice to find their way back to each other. Links & Resources: Our Book: Sex Talks (available for preorder until Feb 7th) Challenge: Intimate or Nasty (Preorders get $30 off this challenge) Free Guide: How To Get Your Partner On Board For Intimate Or Nasty Thanks ZocDoc. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode89  

When we revealed in Episode 37 that we’re child free by choice, it became the most popular episode in Pillow Talks’ history, hands down. Talking about it publicly was challenging, emotional, and the most intimate we’ve ever been with our audience… until now. After listening to the episode, so many of you reached out to share that you’re struggling with whether or not to have kids. You’re having a hard time identifying your own desires under all the layers of pressure and expectation. In this episode, you’ll find a roadmap to guide you through this weighty, personal decision process, along with some great advice from those in our audience who have been on either side of the fence. Whichever way you go, we’re here to help make sure it’s the right choice for YOU. Links & Resources: Sex Talks Episode 37 - The Truth About Why We’re Child Free Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get 35% off site wide when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode88

If you’ve been following us for a bit, you probably know that we have a book, Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, coming out February 7th with Simon & Schuster. We’re so excited for you to get your hands on this book, and bring more connection, pleasure, and fun into the bedroom! But do you want to know the real story behind the book? In this episode, we’re pulling back the curtains on what it really means to write a book, get it published, and then get it to your audience. There were moments that shocked us, some that terrified us, and some that completely changed the way we see our business. Join us as we break down the numbers, lay out the timeline, and explain just how much of a village it truly takes to publish a book. By the time you finish with this episode, there won’t be anything left to do but click the link to preorder! Links & Resources: Sex Talks Thanks RocketMoney.com/pillow. RocketMoney could save you hundreds a year! Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get 35% off sitewide when you use the code PILLOWTALKS Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode87

It’s time for another one of your favorite episodes - Ask Us Anything! This time, let’s skip the business questions and keep it personal. We asked you to send in the questions you’ve been dying to know, and you delivered! Religion? Sex position burnout? The ways we still embarrass ourselves with each other? You bet! We cover it all and more, so make yourself comfortable and feel free to giggle along as we reveal all sorts of things for the sake of the podcast. We hope these topics (and our sometimes controversial answers) start some conversations that you never knew you needed to have! Links & Resources: Sex Talks Dirty Talk Initiation 101 Thanks RocketMoney.com/pillow. RocketMoney could save you hundreds a year! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode86

What makes a person sexy? We all want to be sexy, but most of us don’t feel that way very often (or at all). It can be hard to see yourself as sexy after long hours at work, taking care of kids, or watching your body change over the years. Even worse, we don’t know how to change that, because we don’t know what “sexy” even means! Google certainly isn’t helpful. What the heck are we supposed to do? Listen to this episode, that’s what! We want you to feel sexy and confident on a regular basis. In this episode, we teach you how to identify and create your own definition of sexy, so you can make 2023 your sexiest year yet. Links & Resources: Sex Talks The Foreplay Guides Next Level Intercourse Episode 4: Mental Load: What It Is and How to Stop It from Destroying Your Relationship Episode 12: How To Let Your Partner Love Your Body – Even If You Don’t Episode 65: How To Overcome Sexual Shame With Our 7-Step Process Go to GreenChef.com/pillow60 and use code pillow60 to get 60% off plus free shipping. Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode85

What a year 2022 has been!!! In 52 episodes, we’ve gotten more vulnerable than we’ve ever dared, tackled the topics we never thought would see the light of day, and busted more myths than we thought possible - and loved EVERY minute of it! So we thought it’d be a blast to count down our top 10 moments from Pillow Talks this year. Take a listen and see if your favorites made the cut! Revisit the times we laughed so hard we couldn’t breathe, the crazy things we still can’t believe came out of our mouths (much less put on the air), and the a-ha moments that changed everything. We can’t thank you enough for the support and the community we’ve built, one orgasm at a time. From us to you, Happy New Year! Links & Resources: Sex Talks Book Preorder Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode84

Be honest - if you look back at your last fight with your partner, are you happy with how it went? Was there anything you wish that you had said differently? Or would take back Maybe you were feeling defensive, a little misunderstood, or just plain hurt! It would be nice if there was a referee to throw a flag or call time out when we cross the line in an argument. We reached out to our Instagram audience and found a couple willing to share a fight that they recently experienced. In this episode, we go through their text fight line by line, calling out what worked, what didn’t, and different choices they could have made to communicate more effectively. You’ll get a sneak peek at the kinds of fights other couples really have, while learning how to manage relationship conflict in a healthier way. Learning how to fight fair can be a process, but with some practice, you can turn those moments of tension into opportunities for growth and connection. Links & Resources: Mental Load Workbook Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode83

On December 15th, 2007, a tired girl got dragged to a Christmas party and met a DJ with a heart of gold, and the rest is history. Here we are 15 years later, married and running a sex and relationship business, reflecting back over what it took to get us here. In this special episode, we celebrate our anniversary by sharing on the lessons we’ve taught each other, the revelations we’ve stumbled upon, and what we’ve had to learn the hard way. Join us as we take a walk down memory lane, share some laughs, get sentimental, and get, as always, just a little bit naughty. Stay tuned all the way to the end for some bonus lessons from the only people who talk about our relationship as much as we do. Check out the show notes (and see the infamous freak dancing photo) at vmtherapy.com/episode82 Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow Links & Resources: Sex Talks Book

It’s (supposed to be) the most wonderful time of the year! The time we get together with our loved ones and celebrate each other with presents, food, and quality time. But what happens when we start to see cracks in the perfect holiday picture we had in our mind? You and your partner start to bicker over budgets. Or maybe your mom’s disappointed that you’re going to your in-law’s this year. Or you’re just feeling like an enormous grinch this year. The truth is that the holidays are an incredibly stressful time, and many of us get swept up by inflexible family traditions, present-giving politics, and socialized gender roles. So we’re here to help you navigate the holidays with ease and grace. There’s a lot of laughter, tons of compassion (because BOY have we had our own holiday disasters!), and as always our very best advice, all so you can have the tough conversations without losing the holiday spirit. Links & Resources: Episode 4 : Mental Load: What It Is and How to Stop It from Destroying Your Relationship Episode 27 : Your In-Law Holiday Survival Guide Episode 30 : Sex With Other People…Around Mental Load Workbook A Sex Therapist Explains: What Is The “F**k First” Rule? Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode81 Go to GreenChef.com/pillow599 and use code pillow599 to get $5.99 per meal on your 1st box — and your 1st box ships free!

Ever wondered why the man in your life is so emotionally reserved? Ever been frustrated by how unwilling he seems to be to talk about his feelings? You try to work though an issue in your relationship, but he’s stone-faced and tight-lipped, with nothing to add to the conversation. Or worse, after holding all the feelings in for so long, he has a huge overreaction of epic proportions that leaves you both wondering, “What the hell was that?” You’re not the only one who wishes things would change. We asked the men of our Instagram audience if they wish they could be more emotionally intelligent, and 74% said yes. In this episode, we explain why emotional intelligence remains so elusive for men and what can be done about it. Xander shares some of the emotional skeletons in his closet, how he was able to develop a healthier relationship with his emotions, and how other men can too. If you’ve never listened to an episode of Pillow Talks together, this is the one! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode80 Links & Resources: Pillow Talks Episode 75: Am I Being Unreasonable?

Need a good laugh today? Everyone knows how stressful the holiday season can be, so if you need to lighten the mood or just chase away the cold weather blues, you’re in the right place. We crowdsourced anonymous sex confessions from our Instagram audience, and cherry-picked the very best ones to share in this revealing, hilarious, and sometimes shocking episode. Get ready for outdoor sex hijinks, dating app mishaps, on-the-job orgies, the trouble with technology, and more mayhem involving mothers than you ever wanted to know. So throw it on while you road trip to see the fam. Let it play while prepping your pies. Just make sure no one’s asleep in the house, because the “lol” is real this time. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode79 Links & Resources: Foreplay Guides Next Level Intercourse What Does It Mean If I Have A Sex Dream? - YouTube Bisexual In A Straight Relationship - YouTube You can go to JULIECARE.CO to learn more or find Julie at your nearest Walmart today.

Initiation is SUPPOSED to feel sexy and enticing. When we see it on TV, it always looks so easy. One partner looks at the other from across the room, you can see in their eyes how much they want each other, one partner presses the other up against the wall and it’s game on! But for so many of us, initiation feels more like an annoyance than a seduction. We polled our audience on Instagram and discovered that at least half of our audience regularly gets frustrated by their partner’s initiation tactics. Initiation can be tricky because emotions can run high for both partners for very different reasons. One partner could be trying to feel connected, while the other is balancing cooking dinner, kids schedules, unreturned emails, and just not being in that headspace. Or maybe your partner waits to initiate until the 11th hour, when you’re desperate for sleep after a long day. In this episode, we examine both sides of failed initiation attempts. We share real life examples of some traps that we’ve personally fallen into along the way. And, most importantly, we offer simple solutions for both initiator and the exasperated partner. This is a fantastic episode to listen to with your partner - or to play loudly from the other room when they’re around! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode74 Links & Resources: Bring Your Sex Life Back To Life Initiation 101 Foreplay Guides Next Level Intercourse Better, Hotter, More Mental Load Workbook Sex Drive Types Episode 38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First? Episode 73: Do You Ever “Owe” Sex To Your Partner? Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow

There are few things in life we’re more passionate about than orgasms! We want you to understand them, have them, give them, and enjoy them! With so much misinformation out there, it can be tricky to separate fact from fiction. So we decided to create The Orgasm Episode, vulva owner edition! We polled our Instagram audience for all the orgasm questions you want answered. We talk about everything from questions about clitoris size to squirting to wet dreams. Wanna know how to even identify an orgasm? Have you ever asked yourself why it seems so much easier for penis owners? We cover these hot topics and more as we dish the honest-to-goodness truth about the big O, and give you resources to help on your journey. And if you stick around to the very end, you’ll even get the answer to one of our more controversial questions - “Does Vanessa have an orgasm EVERY time she has sex?”. Links & Resources: Episode 11: How Vanessa Turned Her Orgasm Struggles Into A Sex Therapy Business! Episode 49: The Truth About Squirting (And Why Men Are Obsessed With It) Finishing School Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode77 Go to GreenChef.com/pillow599 and use code pillow599 to get $5.99 per meal on your 1st box—and your 1st box ships free!

Do you want a higher sex drive? Bet you said, “yes!” without thinking twice. 74% of our Instagram audience did. Most of us feel self-conscious about how rarely we desire sex, and believe that we’re supposed to have a stronger libido. But if you’re really honest with yourself, do you truly want more desire? Only 8% of our Instagram audience said they’d do whatever it takes to have a higher sex drive. And we’ve found that whenever we offer sex drive resources to our community, very few people actually use them. (This episode contains a fascinating sneak peek at one of the biggest flops in our business!) So what’s going on here? In this episode, we dive deep into the sex drive disconnect so many of us are struggling with. We’ll bust some of the biggest - and most damaging - sex drive myths, and give you the honest truth about libido. You’ll walk away with a deeper understanding of what you truly want, and a clear path on how to get there. Links & Resources: Rediscovering Desire Sex Drive Types Foreplay Guides Next Level Intercourse Butt Stuff Better, Hotter, More Episode 73: Do You Ever Owe Sex To Your Partner Survivor’s Guide Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode76 You can go to JULIECARE.CO to learn more or find Julie at your nearest Walmart today.

You love your partner, for better or worse, but there’s just that THING that gets under your skin. Maybe it’s something they say all the time, maybe it’s a bad habit that they refuse to address, or something bigger like house duties. Whatever it is, you just can’t seem to “get over it” and you have found yourself wondering, “Am I being unreasonable?” We reached out to our Instagram audience for their biggest pet peeves and frustrations, and damn did you guys have some good ones! In this episode, we’ll help you uncover possible missing perspectives, give advice on how to move forward, and even validate some the worries because spoiler alert: so many of these are not as unreasonable as you would think! Links & Resources: Episode 46: The Hygiene Episode: What To Do If Your Partner Isn’t Taking Care Of Themselves Mental Load Workbook Thanks Cozy Earth. CozyEarth.com and get 35% off sitewide when you use the code PILLOWTALKS

You come home after a long day, you see your partner, but you don’t say anything more than “hi” to each other. Something hilarious happened at lunch, but you don’t see the point in sharing it with your partner. You sit down to dinner, but have nothing to say to one another. You find yourself thinking, “How did this happen? Is this normal? This can’t be what a relationship is supposed to be like…” Well guess what? Not only has 90% of our Instagram audience admitted to growing apart in a relationship, but 1 in 3 of them are going through it right now. Growing apart is so scary. You can’t understand how this happened, especially because you used to be so close. You wonder if you’ve already drifted too far to fix it. You’re afraid of the possibility of breaking up. If you’ve ever found yourself feeling more alone with your partner than without, or if you miss them even when they are right next to you, then you HAVE to listen to this episode. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode74 Links and Resources: Check out our 30 Day Connection Challenge at Connection Challenge Episode 38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First? Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to CozyEarth.com and get 35% off sitewide when you use the code PILLOWTALKS

Have you ever had your partner initiate sex and thought to yourself, “I should probably just do it because I’ve said ‘no’ so much”? Or has your partner been the one reminding you of your track record of responses? Or maybe you’re the one wishing your partner would say “yes” a whole lot more often.  Spoiler alert: You should never feel pressured (or pressure yourself) to do something you don’t want to do with your own body. But this issue can get surprisingly complex. Intimacy is one of the foundations of a relationship, and it’s understandable for partners to have needs. How can we honor what our partner wants, while also staying true to ourself and our boundaries? Let us walk you through how to identify the real issue in all this gray area and some simple ways to tackle this touchy subject.

Have you ever been having intercourse and thought to yourself, “Oh, this hurts, and not in a good way…”? Research shows that a whopping 1 in 3 vulva owners said this happened to them the LAST time that they had intercourse. But sexual pain is something that is rarely discussed, leaving so many to suffer in silence. Nobody deserves to feel pain during sex. While the source can be complicated, sometimes a few simple tweaks can make all the difference. Let us walk you though what you may be overlooking, so we can take you from groaning in pain to moaning in pleasure. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode72 Be sure to pre-order our new book, Sex Talks, by going to sextalksbook.com Ultimate Foreplay Guides: https://bit.ly/3SWtduz Sex Position Playbook: https://bit.ly/3yFcDrF Thanks Cozy Earth. Visit CozyEarth.com and get 35% off sitewide when you use the code PILLOWTALKS. Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow

You saw the question box. You dug deep and swung for the fences. Now buckle up, because it is our turn at bat and we are gonna get SPICY in this episode! That’s right, it’s time for “Ask Us Anything”- extra spicy edition 🔥 On Instagram we asked you to challenge us with your most personal questions, and boy did you deliver! Our team gave us a list of questions, and we sat down to record without discussing any of our answers first. We really go there, deep diving into our dating history, favorite positions, fantasies, burst ear drums, and more. It’s a roller coaster of emotions as we get vulnerable, admit some hard truths, and reveal some things we have never said to each other, much less on air. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode71 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

Most couples believe that trying to get pregnant will be one of the sexiest, most intimate periods of their relationship. But if you don’t get pregnant right away, things can quickly take a turn - worrying that something is wrong, fear that it will never happen, the medical appointments, the pressure, the schedules… With all that stress, it’s no wonder that your sex life can really suffer while trying to conceive. Today we’re sharing 5 ways to protect your relationship during your TTC journey. It’s a heavy topic, but we’ll try to make you laugh along the way. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode70 Get $400 off all mattress orders plus 2 free pillows at birchliving.com/pillow 

Xander is back in the hot seat today answering the tough questions... What do guys REALLY think about lingerie? Can they handle a woman who makes more money or has a higher sex drive? When it comes to breasts, do they care about size or symmetry? Nipple size or color? We also polled the men in our Instagram community so we could take an even deeper look at the male psyche. And we even talk about the two topics that have caused some serious issues in our relationship. Don’t miss the laughter, the deep dives, and return of Xander’s dulcet tones serenading the podcast! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode69 Go to GreenChef.com/pillow135 and use code pillow135 to get $135 off across five boxes — and your first box ships free!

No, you’re not having deja vu… Butt Stuff is back! We originally released a Butt Stuff episode almost a year ago, and it has consistently been one of our top 5 episodes. It has been so popular that we decided to turn it into a course… conveniently named Butt Stuff as well 🤣 In celebration, we decided to re-record a podcast episode with all of your most pressing questions. We cover everything in this episode! Hemorrhoids, hairy buttholes, safety, straight dudes being on the receiving end, and the one big fear that so many of us have… will there be poop?! We know there’s some fear and anxiety surrounding the back door, because 72% of our Instagram audience said they’re intimidated by butt stuff. But with 67% admitting to still being curious, we decided to bust those myths and give you the facts so you can decide if anal play is worth a try. (Pssst! It is!) Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode68 Looking for the Butt Stuff guide? Check out https://bit.ly/3U7HQNg   

Definition of hot take: a quickly produced, strongly worded, and often deliberately provocative or sensational opinion or reaction. You guys are always asking us for our “hot takes” on some of the most divisive sex topics like threesomes, strip clubs, pegging, 69, and even the age old spit vs swallow debate, so we decided to put them all together in one episode! We’re getting real and holding nothing back as we dish on over a dozen hot topics that you sent in. (Spoiler alert: we don’t agree on all of them!) Some of our answers may surprise you, but we promise you will be entertained. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode67 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

You’ve asked us over email, Instagram, YouTube, everything short of a carrier pigeon… How the heck did we get into the sex therapy business? And do we manage working and living together every day as a married couple? The time has come for us to share all the details about our business, from how we started to where we are now. You’ll hear about it all… Vanessa floundering to figure out her path. Why we moved to Berlin. Xander’s identity crisis. Our most embarrassing moments, and plenty of business “fails.” We get vulnerable about the good, the bad, and the ugly of the journey that took us from corporate hell to living out our dreams together. And stick around to the end to be the first to hear what’s coming next! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode66

Let’s talk about the thing that keeps you up at night. The thing that you don’t bring up over drinks with friends. The thing the that you don’t even admit to yourself if we are being honest. Let’s talk about the shame surrounding sex. Our Instagram audience tells us that 74% of us have experienced it in our lifetime, with 30% currently going through it. (But we’d bet real money that both of those numbers are much higher.) There are so many things that plague us when it comes to sex: body counts, sexual identities, doing things “the right way”, doing something too much or not enough or not at all. It’s EXHAUSTING, but it doesn’t have to be! Sex should be about pleasure and joy, freedom and exploration, certainly not about worry and regret. In this episode, we walk you through reprogramming the way you approach sex in your life, in 7 steps. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode65 Want a PDF guide with the 7 steps we talk about in this episode? Check out https://vmtherapy.com/7-steps-to-deconstrucing-sexual-shame Go to GreenChef.com/pillow135 and use code pillow135 to get $135 off across five boxes, plus free shipping on your first box!

Are you worried you’ve lost the spark in your relationship? We asked our Instagram audience, and the numbers were shocking! A whopping 91% said their relationship has gone through a Roommates Phase, and 46% said they’re in one right now. So why does it seem like no one is talking about the Roommates Phase? In this episode we do a deep dive into what the Roommates Phase means, and how to get out of it before it’s too late. Let us help you end the drought and get back that lovin’ feelin’! (Psst - Xander even sings about it within the first four minutes of this episode…) Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode64 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

Do you ever find yourself feeling kinda… disappointed after intercourse with your partner? Or worse, faking it just to “get it over with”? Maybe you’ve tried talking to him about it and telling them you need more, but he got defensive and nothing changed. This episode has been a long time coming! We hear SO many stories from our audience about how men just don’t prioritize female pleasure as much as they should. There are a lot of reasons why there’s such a huge orgasm gap in male-female sex, so we break it down into 3 main categories, complete with real-life examples. (Including an example from our own relationship!) We firmly believe that everyone who wants an orgasm, gets an orgasm. This episode will take you through, step-by-step, exactly to make sure that happens! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode63

Are you sick of fighting about money in your relationship? Maybe you’ve even thought you and your partner are incompatible because of how differently you both think about spending and saving. Trust us, you’re not alone! This episode is for you if you feel like you need to keep purchases a secret. Or maybe you’re just exasperated by how much money your partner spends. We know how easily that tension and resentment can build. Today we’ll be addressing money issues within relationships advice column style — with real life stories and questions from our audience. As we help them troubleshoot, we’ll be giving easy to implement tips on approaching money issues in relationships. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode62

Are you struggling to have a great sex life now that you’re a mom? As women, we wear so many hats and have so many identities. We’re wives, girlfriends, daughters, sisters, friends, and mothers. But what happens when these identities feel like they’re in conflict with one another? A whopping 91% of our Instagram followers said their sex life got harder after kids. We heard things like, “It’s hard to feel confident in my new body,” “Everyone always needs something, and I’m tired of giving,” and, “I’m just EXHAUSTED!” In this episode, we’re here to give you practical tips to creating the sex life you deserve! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode61

You read all the books, listen to all the podcast episodes, and do all the meditations and affirmations. But your partner won’t even read a dang Instagram caption! What do you do if you value self-improvement and personal development, but your partner just can’t be bothered - or even flat-out refuses? In today’s episode, we’re giving you the tips and tools to get your partner invested in becoming the best version of themselves. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode60

In today’s episode we’re diving into something that 74% of our audience have never done - roleplay! Most people think that roleplaying feels awkward and uncomfortable. They worry about not knowing who to roleplay, not being able to get or stay in character, and generally embarrassing themselves. But we think that roleplaying can be a whole lot of fun - and can even be a great way to feel more present in the bedroom! So in today’s episode, we’re going to give you our step-by-step roadmap for easing into roleplaying, and discovering your confidence! Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode59

Today’s episode is about one of the most underrated sex acts that you’re probably not doing… mutual masturbation! Even if your face is already beet red, we’re going to do our best to convince you why masturbation isn’t something you should do alone or in secret. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode58

“Should I have to stop hanging out with my ex because my girlfriend said so?” “Is it my husband’s job to say something to my rude in-laws?” We’re answering these spicy questions and many more in today’s episode of Pillow Talks! Most of us get annoyed by things our partner says or does — but is it their problem, or ours? Is it their responsibility to fix, or is it something we need to learn how to live with? Today we’re answering the question, “Is this your shit or mine?” Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode57

Every day we get DMs from women asking Xander what men REALLY think about everything from pubic hair to emotional intimacy. We decided we had to devote an entire podcast episode to this topic, so we gathered your most common questions and concerns, and put Xander in the hot seat. We also asked the men in our Instagram audience for their feedback. We’re giving you an invaluable peek inside the hearts and minds of men all over the world. Topics include: Cellulite How many sexual partners a woman has had Do men compare their partner to others? Vulvas (smell, look, taste) Giving oral sex Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode56

Love it or hate it, 69 is one of the most infamous sex acts. We just had to give it it’s own episode, especially since today is also 6/9. We’re sharing how we really feel about 69, plus 6.9 amazing tips for having the most fun in this position. You also do not want to miss the hilarious stories our audience shared with us! But that’s not all! It’s also the 1 year anniversary of the Pillow Talks Podcast! We asked you for your favorite moments and jokes from the year, and we’re sharing some of your answers. It’s a really fun walk down memory lane! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode55 Check out our online courses at https://vmtherapy.com/online-sex-therapy-programs/

We were WRONG. Well, Vanessa was. She thought there was no way our last Ask Us Anything episode would be popular, but it ended up being one of our most listened-to episodes! So we decided to do a Part 2 with more of the most asked and most interesting personal questions we’ve gotten. We’re talking about: What we fight about What we won’t do sexually Vanessa’s ultra-personal therapy update What our families think about us being in the sex therapy business What we keep private from our Instagram audience And so much more! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode54

Have you ever read a romance novel or watched a sex scene and felt turned on by reading or seeing something kinda kinky that you’ve never even thought of doing in the bedroom before? Maybe you like the sex you’re having now, but you’ve heard of some naughty things that make you a little…curious. This episode is your introduction to kink: what it is, why you might want to experiment with it, and how to actually go about trying it in a safe, healthy way!

You’re innocently folding the laundry, just minding your own business, when your partner comes up behind you, brushes your hair away from your ear and whispers “I want you. NOW.” They order you to take off your clothes. They push you down onto the bed, and ravage you from head to toe. We’ve all had this fantasy, right? It’s SO sexy to think about your partner taking control. But what is it about this control fantasy that’s so appealing? You might be surprised to find out... If you’ve ever wanted your (male) partner to take control in the bedroom, this episode is a must-listen! Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode52

“Why should I have to flirt with my partner? We’ve been together forever!” A lot of us in long-term relationships feel hesitant to flirt with our partner. It feels awkward, clunky, or just plain unnecessary. But flirting is an amazing way to ignite that spark you once had and remind you of those exciting early days of your relationship. Most importantly: flirting can make both of you feel SO good about the way you see each other. We know it can feel daunting to flirt with your partner, especially if you’re out of practice or don’t consider yourself good at it, so we’re doing a whole episode on exactly how to flirt. Even if you feel like flirting “isn’t for me” or doesn’t come naturally to you, we promise that this episode will boost your confidence and have you trying out some new techniques ASAP — and don’t blame us if things get a little sweeter (and spicier)! 😉 Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode51

You know that thing you really want to tell your partner but you just... don’t know how? Maybe you’re nervous, you really don’t want to hurt their feelings, or it feels like the time is never right. Well, you’re not alone! Our Instagram audience hit us with alllll the things they wish they could tell their partner, and we’re giving them our best advice for how to keep it real while avoiding the dreaded “we need to talk” opener. Check out the show notes: vmtherapy.com/episode50

Squirting: is it real? Where does it come from? IS IT PEE?! In this episode, we are doing a deep dive on the mystery of squirting: specifically what it is, why it happens, and how we all became so obsessed with it. Join us for a very educational episode and learn why this topic gets Vanessa so fired up! Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode49

Can’t remember the last time you had sex? Or maybe you remember the exact day and it’s been... too long. It’s time to talk about one of the most-dreaded issues that comes up in relationships... DRY SPELLS! You might find yourself wondering if there’s an end in sight. Has your relationship cooled off for good? When you do have sex again, is it going to be awkward or bad, leading to yet another dry spell? Or maybe you’re scaring yourself because you don’t even miss having sex at all! Dry spells can send you to some really dark places, but we’re here to tell you: there is hope! In this episode, we’re giving you five tips for combatting dry spells, no matter your circumstance. We’re also talking about preventing this issue, so even if you’re not in a dry spell right now, you don’t want to miss this episode! Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode48

You’re having a steamy makeout session with your partner, things are getting hot and heavy and leading to sex, but your partner just can’t get or stay erect. (Or maybe their erection isn’t the problem, but their orgasm is.) What does it mean?? For most women, we think the answer lies within ourselves. We’re not hot enough. We’re not experienced enough or lacking technique. Something is wrong with our body, not theirs. What you THINK these performance issues mean vs. what they REALLY mean are two very different animals, so in today’s episode, we are going there. Whether your partner has trouble getting and staying hard, orgasming too quickly/taking too long to orgasm, we’re talking about how these issues have affected us in our relationship and giving you all of our best tips for navigating them in (and out) of the moment. And, spoiler alert, this episode turned into a mini therapy session for us! Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode47

If you’re like many people, hygiene seems pretty basic. Take a shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, what’s so hard about that? So you may find yourself confused about why your partner can’t seem to take good care of themselves. How can your partner expect you to want to kiss them, have sex with them, or even be attracted to them in the first place if they haven’t kept up basic hygiene habits? In today’s episode, we’re tackling the topic you’ve been dying for us to address: your partner’s hygiene - or lack thereof. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode46

Is squirting really just pee? Can pineapple make your vulva taste and smell sweet? What the heck is the deal with belly button sex?? We turned to Instagram to ask, “What’s something you’ve heard about sex and aren’t sure if it’s true?” Some of these urban legends are funny, some of them are damaging and harmful, and some of them are actually true! Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode45

Do you find yourself wishing your partner would share more about their emotions, or at least just more details about how their day went? If your partner never opens up to you, it can leave you feeling pretty damn lonely. You may even find yourself feeling suspicious about why they won’t share more with you. In this episode, we’re giving you practical tips on how to get your partner to “open up”, once and for all. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode44

Have you ever been in the middle of some HOT sex and all of a sudden you start thinking about something completely unrelated? Maybe you need to get a babysitter for next weekend or you totally forgot to send that email to your boss. Regardless of what you’re distracted by, it can be so frustrating and you can end up feeling powerless to your thoughts. You may even feel self-judgment or shame that you’re not able to stay focused during sex. In this episode we’re giving you lots of practical tools for how you (and your partner) can navigate distractions and stay more present during sex. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode43

“Are we sexually compatible?” This haunting question comes up in the majority of relationships at some point. So what does it actually mean when it starts to feel like you’re not sexually compatible?? Is your relationship doomed? The answer is - it depends! In this episode, we’re digging into sexual compatibility using an exciting new model Vanessa developed! Plus, we’ll even share our own “rankings” for how compatible (and incompatible) we are. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode42

So how DID Xander propose? How often do we really have sex? You’re about to find out in this “ask us anything” style episode, where we answer your most frequently asked, burning questions. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode41

What do you do when your partner initiates sex, but you’re not in the mood? This can be one of the trickiest moments to navigate in a relationship. You might find yourself freezing up, worrying about hurting your partner, or even feeling irritated at them for initiating in the first place. In this episode, we walk you through exactly what to do. You might even be surprised by our suggestions! Check out the show notes: vmtherapy.com/episode40

You wish your partner would do something thoughtful for you, and you definitely DON’T want to have to ask them to do it — because if you did, it wouldn’t really count as something thoughtful anymore! Right?! This episode is the remedy for this all-too-common complaint. We’re giving you steps to take toward more intentional, joyful moments for both you and your partner. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode39

There are two types of people: those who need to feel connected before having sex, and those that need to have sex in order to feel connected. In a cruel twist of fate, relationships typically have one of each type of person. This can lead to a stand-off situation that often manifests in long dry spells or straight up bad sex. In this episode, we give our surprising (and perhaps controversial) answer to what comes first — emotional or physical connection, and talk about how to end the ‘stand-off’ once and for all. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode38

One of the most frequent questions we get is, “Do you have kids?” Followed closely by “why don’t you have any?” While it hasn’t always been an easy journey, we’ve gotten to a place where we’re really comfortable and confident in our choice to be child-free. So today’s episode is all about how we got there! We get deeply vulnerable and yes, tears were shed. We’re answering your burning questions and discussing how we decided to be child-free, the way we told our families and how they reacted, and the feelings that come up around knowing we won’t have children. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode37

What do you do when your partner says something hurtful that you just can’t shake, even months or years later? Is it something you can grow and heal from or is it simply a deal breaker? This advice-column style episode dives into the “grey area” of relationships. We’ll hear stories from members of our community who are sharing their most harrowing ‘can we come back from this?’ moments and give our best advice on how to move forward. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode36

Has your partner ever done a task so poorly or asked you so many questions that you finally just said “fine, I’ll do it myself!”? This is called weaponized incompetence, and while your partner may not mean for it to be, it can be harmful in a relationship. In this episode we’re going to talk about how to identify weaponized incompetence, how it shows up in OUR relationship, and what to do if you or your partner are doing this. Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode35

We all want to feel desired, but so often in relationships we get into a place where it feels like one partner wants the other more. If you’re the higher desire partner, you’re probably feeling lonely and scared - scared that your partner might not be into you, and scared that you’ll get rejected if you initiate any kind of sex or intimacy. In fact, you may even be withholding affection for fear of being turned down! If you’re the lower desire partner, you might be feeling ashamed, like there’s something wrong with you. You may even be tempted to start giving your partner half-hearted sex or intimacy in an attempt to appease them. Unfortunately, none of these techniques end up being very successful, and in fact tend to only reinforce the feeling of imbalance. In this week's podcast episode, we show you how to unravel these painful dynamics. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode34

Full transparency: we didn’t know if we were going to release this episode. We’re talking about everything from how we processed the chaos that is the holidays to whether we upheld our “Holiday Classic” sex pact.

This episode is all about making 2022 the best year of your relationship yet! Get our five favorite sustainable and actionable tips for making your relationship a priority next year. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode32

Have you ever thought about opening up your relationship? Have WE ever thought about opening up our relationship? Some see it as a necessity to fully express their sexuality while others think it might be the perfect salve for a hurting relationship. One thing’s for sure, open relationships are subject to a lot of misconceptions. Tune in to find out what open relationships are all about, and find out if WE are taking the steps toward this relationship structure. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode31

Having sex when there are guests around (or when you are a guest in someone's home) can be a major source of anxiety — but sometimes you just HAVE to do it! Today, we're going to walk you through how to respectfully, discreetly get down wherever you're spending the holidays. Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode30

Attachment Style Theory looks at the ways we respond to other people based on the way we responded to our earliest relationships: our relationships with our parents. In this episode we're talking about what each style means for the people who have it, plus how the styles relate to each other.   Check out the show notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode29

Do you have a fantasy you've always wanted to explore? Maybe your partner does as well, but it doesn't 'match up' with yours. In this episode we're diving into a five step process for dealing with different fantasies in relationships.

In-laws are tricky. Holidays are tricky. Put them together and you've got some truly stressful situations. In this episode we are once again going 'advice column-style' to help some of our audience members sort out their frustrations. We're talking a lot about boundaries and communication, and even if you have typically stress-free holidays, this episode is definitely entertaining.

We turned to our Instagram audience @vanessamarintherapy to ask them "what makes someone good in bed?" and they DELIVERED. They also opened up on telling us what makes someone bad in bed. Do you really know what actually makes sex good? Listen to find out some major themes we noticed. We'll unpack our findings and give you practical advice to sharpen your skills in the bedroom. Check out the Show Notes at: vmtherapy.com/episode26

When you hear the word 'needy', it's probably the last thing you would ever want to be described as; being needy is so steeped in shame! Today we're going to talk about what neediness is - and what it isn't - and some genuinely helpful tools for addressing neediness. Check out the show notes here: vmtherapy.com/episode25

What makes anal play so great anyway and why are people so intimidated by it? Well, we're answering those questions and talking about how to break through some of the objections surrounding this topic.  Check out the show notes at vmtherapy.com/episode23

In this episode, we're talking about how to cut through the shame, awkwardness and embarrassment that we've been taught to have when talking about sex; specifically when it comes to talking to your kids. Check out this week's show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode22 We also talk about some resources that you can check out on this topic: Episode 8: Has Purity Culture Harmed Your Sex Life? How To Overcome Religious Shame YouTube Video — The Ultimate Guide to Talk to Your Kids About Sex

Trying new sex positions is a really fun way to spice up your sex life, but it can feel super intimidating to even get started when you're already in a comfortable routine. In today's episode, we are addressing your concerns and helping you gain the confidence to dive right in and add to your repertoire! Check Out The Show Notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode21 Pick up your copy of the Sex Position Playbook!

How do you know if or when to end a relationship? To see if we could help answer that question, we reached out to our Instagram community for story submissions and were overwhelmed with the number of responses from people wondering whether to continue or end their relationships. These submissions cover everything from not getting 'butterflies' anymore to feeling "emotionally starved". Today, we'll be sharing some of the stories we received, walking you through these nuanced and complex situations, and offering our best advice for how to move forward. Check out this week's show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode20 Links and Resources mentioned in this episode: Podcast: How To Navigate Different Political, Social, and Religious Beliefs In Dating And Relationships

Awkward, fun, nerve-wracking, and exciting: all words that our community used to describe first-time sex with a new partner. There can be a lot of high expectations and common misconceptions about first times, so today we're going to be helping you navigate the waters of getting it on with someone new. Even if you're in a long term relationship, there are tips on communicating with your partner about sex. And of course, we had to share the embarrassing details about our first time! Check out this week's show notes at: https://vmtherapy.com/episode19

We all want to feel wanted. That's why we're talking about something that can totally change your relationship for the better, and it's something you've already done..."dating" your partner! We've heard from our community (and this is something we as a couple have gone through as well) that when you've been together for years, even decades, you can go through phases where you feel more like roommates than romantic partners. Maybe you have kids and you know you're on the same team, but romance has taken a back seat to parenting and just life in general. Whatever the case may be, we're excited to talk about the role desire can play in your relationship and how - yes - you can reignite that spark from the 'old days'.

In order to enjoy sex, we have to receive. Whether it's time, attention, love, or energy, there are so many aspects of great sex are tied into receiving. Your ability to receive can affect many things, like your ability to be present in the moment, feel pleasure, be emotionally connected to a partner, and especially to orgasm! In today's episode, Vanessa and Xander talk about how you can get more comfortable with the idea of receiving in the bedroom.

Feelings. Is there anything that makes you feel more uncomfortable? It's hard enough to process your own feelings, so when your partner does something that brings up big feelings for you, it's so easy to blame them for the way you feel. But the unfortunate reality is we can't actually blame other people for how we're feeling! In today's episode, Vanessa and Xander discuss why our feelings are our own responsibility, and give their best tips for navigating challenging emotions.

Have you ever found yourself thinking, "Sex just feels so blah. I don't get what the fuss is all about"? This is one of the most common complaints we hear from women! So many women want to FEEL MORE in the bedroom, but they just don't know how. In today's episode, Vanessa and Xander unpack why the key to feeling more pleasure in the bedroom is to start with masturbation.

Politics, religion and social issues are already such divisive topics, so what happens when you disagree about them in a relationship? Should differing beliefs be deal breakers? Are they enough to end a relationship over? In today's episode, Vanessa and Xander tackle these thorny questions!

Anytime you ask for something you want, it’s a vulnerable experience. You're putting yourself out there, and in the position to be turned down. Which is why initiating sex is one of the most vulnerable things we do in our relationships. In today's episode we are talking all about how to deal with sexual rejection, so you and your partner can feel way more confident initiating with one another.

Body confidence is something that affects everyone, whether it's an occasional thing or a daily struggle. Usually we think of it as a personal issue - feeling self conscious, or having critical and judgmental thoughts towards ourselves. But there's another aspect to body confidence that actually has a huge impact on how we show up in our sex lives and relationships: our ability to let our partner love our body. In today's episode, Vanessa and Xander discuss how to let your partner love your body and share their best tips for receiving and accepting compliments from your partner. For full show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode12

When you hear the words “Sex Therapist”, you probably think of someone who knows exactly what they want and how to get it in the bedroom, right? So what happens when an aspiring sex therapist is struggling with her orgasm? In this interview-style podcast, Vanessa tells her own personal orgasm journey, and how it inspired her to start a business teaching thousands of women how to orgasm. For full show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode11  

Good communication is really hard.  We'll be the first to admit that in the heat of the moment it can be really tough to validate your partner's experience, use clear and empathic language, and also ask for your needs to be met. We make a living teaching couples how to have good communication and we STILL struggle with this. So in this episode, we're roleplaying some of our listener-submitted arguments, and breaking down their communication breakdowns.

Everyone wants to know what the magic amount of sex is to keep their relationship healthy. So many of us think that if we hit a certain quota, it means out relationship is successful. So we decided to do a little experiment to see what the sex lives of our followers really look like. We created a sexual frequency and satisfaction survey, and we've now had 12,000 people respond!

Did you grow up in Purity Culture? Purity Culture teaches that it's important to wait until marriage to have sex, because people who wait are more pure, wholesome, and desirable. It also has a lot to say about dressing modestly (especially for girls), pleasure being sinful, & masturbation being evil. In this week's episode, we're breaking down the effects Purity Culture can have on your sex life- and what you can do to counteract it. For full show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode8

When was the last time you had a truly amazing kiss? The sad reality is that most couples just don't really kiss anymore! A lot of us, if we're really honest with ourselves, feel a little insecure about our kissing technique. And if we're even more brutally honest, a lot of us don't really like the way our partner kisses. There's a lot of sex advice out there about oral sex technique and sex positions, but you rarely hear discussions of kissing technique. In this episode we're back to basics and talking all things kissing. For full show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode7

Do you think that relationships should be effortless? Or that having to work on your relationship means there's something wrong?   Or does your partner think these things?   A lot of people think that they should only need to put effort into their relationship to solve serious problems. Or they wait until things are bad to start putting in effort.   But your relationship CAN NOT survive without effort.   In this episode, we reframe work in a completely different - and much more helpful, effective, and fun! - way.   For full show notes: https://vmtherapy.com/episode6

What’s keeping you from letting go in the bedroom?   People we polled said that body image, kids, and to-do lists all contributed to having a difficult time staying present during sex.   People tend to feel that “letting go” is the main thing that could make sex better and more pleasurable. But for many of us, just letting go is a lot harder than it sounds!   In this episode, we talk about what “letting go” during sex could look like, and whether that’s actually something we should be striving for in the bedroom. For full show notes, head over to www.vmtherapy.com/episode5

Do you secretly keep score of who does what in your relationship?    Do you feel like your partner gets to be carefree and happy while you’re stressed out trying to hold it all together?   In today's episode, we talk about one of the most popular topics we’ve ever talked about: mental load.   If you’ve never heard the term before, mental load refers to the invisible mental burden of keeping track of household and family needs.    Seriously, people go bananas whenever we talk about mental load, so this is an episode you don’t want to miss!   Get full show notes and resources mentioned in this episode here: www.vmtherapy.com/episode4     GIVEAWAY ALERT! If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts before June 20, we'll enter your name into a drawing to win any one of our courses for free! That’s up to a $1,000 value!    (Just make sure to take a screenshot of your review and DM it to us at @vanessamarintherapy. Apple doesn’t like to show every review, so we want to make sure you get added to the giveaway.)   Thank you in advance for taking the time to leave us a quick review!   If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Should sex happen naturally? This is one of the most common questions we get asked, and it can cause some serious tension in relationships. You may want to work on improving your sex life or making changes, but your partner refuses because they think it should just happen naturally.  In this episode, we're going to uncover the truth about how sex really works in a long-term relationship. We think you’re going to be pretty surprised... Get full show notes and resources mentioned in this episode here: www.vmtherapy.com/episode3   GIVEAWAY ALERT! If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts before June 20 and we'll enter your name into a drawing to win any one of our courses for free! That’s up to a $1,000 value!  (Just make sure to take a screenshot of your review and DM it to us at @vanessamarintherapy. Apple doesn’t like to show every review, so we want to make sure you get added to the giveaway.) Thank you in advance for taking the time to leave us a quick review!   If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Has this phrase ever been uttered in your home: “We’ve talked about this a million times before”? So many of the arguments we get into with our partners are different versions of the same argument we've already had. And it can feel exhausting and demoralizing to keep having the same conflict over and over.  In today’s episode, we’re introducing you to the concept of unresolvable conflict. According to research, 69% of conflicts in long-term relationships are unresolvable. What does that even mean? And what are you supposed to do if you can’t resolve a conflict? Tune in to find out! Get full show notes and resources mentioned in this episode here: www.vmtherapy.com/episode2   GIVEAWAY ALERT! If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts before June 20 and we'll enter your name into a drawing to win any one of our courses for free! That’s up to a $1,000 value!  (Just make sure to take a screenshot of your review and DM it to us at @vanessamarintherapy. Apple doesn’t like to show every review, so we want to make sure you get added to the giveaway.) Thank you in advance for taking the time to leave us a quick review!   If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

How comfortable are you talking about sex with your partner? If you’re like most people, your face is already bright red! You need to be able to talk about sex if you want to have an extraordinary sex life. So to kick off the Pillow Talks podcast, we’ve got your back with a step-by-step process for talking about sex in your relationship - even if you never have before.  In this episode, we’ll walk you through five steps you need to take to get comfortable talking about sex. We’ll share funny stories of our own communication mishaps, and give you the courage to open up!  Get full show notes and resources mentioned in this episode here: www.vmtherapy.com/episode1   GIVEAWAY ALERT! If you leave us a review on Apple Podcasts before June 20 and we'll enter your name into a drawing to win any one of our courses for free! That’s up to a $1,000 value!  (Just make sure to take a screenshot of your review and DM it to us at @vanessamarintherapy. Apple doesn’t like to show every review, so we want to make sure you get added to the giveaway.) Thank you in advance for taking the time to leave us a quick review!   If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Meet Vanessa and Xander Marin, your new BFF couple friends! She’s a sex therapist with 20 years of experience and he’s a regular dude. Together they’re the shockingly open, slightly nerdy, and seriously funny couple you want to grab sushi with. They share the ups and downs in their relationship while giving you step-by-step techniques for improving yours. Subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally do-able sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors, and so much more. It’s the sex education you WISH you’d had! Whether you’re looking to learn how to orgasm, skyrocket your confidence, or rekindle the spark with your partner, Vanessa & Xander can help you identify and overcome your blockages around, and learn how to have more fun in the bedroom. Head over to vmtherapy.com