We are off the next two weeks, so enjoy this recent installment of our flagship Patreon benefit After Dark in the mean time! Happy Holidays and have a safe New Years! Do you ever worry about being overheard gossiping in public? Well buckle up: the latest trend on TikTok involves regular people eavesdropping and then relaying the gossip they overhear in great detail to the masses. Let’s think about this, would someone want to find out they are being cheated on over TikTok? Did Andrew ever drive your Uber? If so, he has a catalogue of all the best gossip he’s heard from passengers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're off this week because of Thanksgiving, but today we're publicly releasing one of our favorites from our After Dark archives! In September, Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis were canceled for writing character letters about their 'friend' Danny Masterson. The character letters spilled out into public, which inspired us to write character letters for each of the three of us, as if we were on trial and needed an assist from each other. We had a lot of fun writing these letters and sharing them with one another on air, and we hope you enjoy them too. For more great content like this, pledge to our Patreon or sign up for a paid subscription on Apple Podcasts. You'l receive a new After Dark installment every week, along with ad-free episodes of #Millennial! Happy Thanksgiving, and we'll see you next week! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're off this week, but we're sharing a preview of what's available on our Patreon! In this recent installment of After Dark, we pop bottles (or boxes) of wine and review "The 36 Questions That Lead To Love" and pose our favorites to one another. Will we fall further in love with one another, or will we realize this has all been one big mistake? Listen to find out! New installments of After Dark are released weekly! And we're excited to share that our Patreon now offers FREE TRIALS! Visit Patreon.com/millennial to grab a free, 7-day trial and see everything we have to offer. We can't do this show without the support of listeners like you. Thank you! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The hosts of #Millennial introduce the show. New episodes are released every Tuesday. Subscribe today for free! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We return from Memorial Day to find our entire panel has officially entered our 30s. Happy birthday, Andrew! What did we do over the break? Andrew honky tonked, Pam low-key went to Italy, and Laura got microderm and has a soft-as-a-baby’s-ass face now. The Mailbag is back, and we give advice about dealing with passive-aggressive roomies, get advice from a 12-year-old English free running boi, empathize with the terror of a workplace shooting threat, and hear feedback from a listener after our baby name discussion a couple of weeks ago. In the news: Hollywood is threatening to pull out of Georgia if its new draconian abortion bill passes, the US Senate passes a law to cut down on robocalls, iTunes is soon to meet its maker, and a record number of climbers have died scaling Mt. Everest this season. Should Democrats appear on FOX News? The panel discusses and theorizes that perhaps there is a strategy at play here. This one’s for you, Scott! Our host recommendations are definitely gonna make you go looking for dimmable light switches (Andrew), get your smooth face on with microdermabrasion (Laura), and tune into Netflix’s “When They See Us” (Pam). This week’s episode is sponsored by Rothy’s (https://www.rothys.com/mill), FabFitFun (https://www.fabfitfun.com and enter code MILL to get $10 off your first box), and The New Yorker (https://www.newyorker.com/MILLENNIAL to get 12 weeks of The New Yorker for $6 plus an exclusive tote bag). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: MuggleSuck is back! Our old boss is trying to rebrand himself as a Twitter Philosopher. (Wait, is he actually a boss if he didn’t pay us?) We analyze his nuggets of wisdom, such as “when you go into the DMV you’re just a number” and “overestimate your success to attract investors.” Next he’ll be telling us not to ask what our country can do for us, but what we can do for… you know the rest. We make a reveal about a parody account from long ago. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s Andrew’s 30th eve here on #Millennial - we’re so glad he joined us for the final days of his youth! We kick the episode off with Surprise Bitch! and listener Irwin plays a fun game with us: can we name all 23 Democratic candidates for President? Preview of the game: “The other old white man whose name I’m forgetting.” Since we’ll be off for Memorial Day, we hit a number of messages from the mailbag: first kisses, eating disorders, Sonic the hedgehog, heartbeat bills, sexism in athletics, and veganism. The College Board, the non-profit that administers the SAT, has announced a new score to be used alongside the traditional scoring method: The Adversity Score. Aimed at leveling the college admissions playing field, there are pros and cons to this new unit of measurement. Pam reminds us that Robert Pattinson could be the new Batman and the internet is shook. Laura says give him a chance! Studies show it is possible to see health and weight loss results simply by inserting small changes into your daily activity. Andrew shares some personal anecdotes and the ladies make small goals. How many calories do you burn from sex? Depends if you’re a top or bottom. This week’s episode is sponsored by Talkspace (https://www.talkspace.com and use code MILL to get your first week of therapy free), Cove (https://www.withcove.com/MILL to get your doctor consultation and first month of treatment for just $30), and FabFitFun (https://www.fabfitfun.com and use promo code MILL for $10 off your first box). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: The EPA has approved antibiotic pesticides (bactericides) for mass use on the country’s orange groves to fight a bacteria that is hampering citrus growth. The FDA and CDC have warned that doing so could create drug-resistant superbugs in humans. Uber has introduced a slew of new ride preference features, including “quiet mode.” Is it possible to toggle this on if your driver becomes annoying partway through a ride? If you’re bougie AF you can also opt for the following features: consistent vehicle quality, extended pickup period, luggage assistance, and temperature control. What is the optimal smell for an Uber? A happy balance between “pine tree freshener massacre” and “smells like a fart.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We kick off this week’s episode by reviewing Detective Pikachu and Long Shot, and bitching about Game of Thrones Season 8 Episode 5. We then quickly transition to prank calling Andrew’s scammer. In NOT NORMAL News, Trump thinks he should get an extension on his abysmal first term, and Lindsey Graham supplies the excellent judicial advice of ignoring a subpoena. AP Choice has us considering whether we’d adopt a plant-based diet, heartbeat bills, and how to remove our data from Google. During Surprise Bitch! we play a game that’s trending online with listener Danielle. Good luck with those highlights, girl! Think of your daughters before naming them Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Lady of the Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm, Lady of Dragonstone, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. The Intergovernmental Panel on climate change completed a study that examined attitudes towards perceptions of international threats in 26 countries. If we enter the next ice age, will lenders track down our iced corpses demanding repayment? Probably. Farmer Pat is back to tell us about another food marketing scheme: organic foods. Organic produce is no better or worse than conventional produce, but organic meats have been found to have higher levels of trans-fats. In recommendations, we reveal our age. RIP. This week’s episode is sponsored by BioClarity (https://www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for 40% off skincare routines and 15% off everything else on their site) and Myro (https://www.mymyro.com/mill and enter code mill for 50% off your first order and to get started for just $5). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: We provide an in-depth, spoiler-ridden review of Game of Thrones, Season 8 Episode 5. Which parts of the episode did we find most frustrating? We cover the frustration seen online in response to what many perceive as a rushed ending. What other shows have started out strong and ended weak? Do fans expect too much, and are we spoiled to expect anything more than what we’ve been given? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Need a pick-me-up after the latest Game of Thrones? We can make you laugh through the pain! Andrew reveals he’s been the victim of a financial scam, and Laura immediately begins plotting ways to burn the scammer’s life down. In dysfunctional democracy news, Robert Mueller calls out Attorney General Bill Barr for mischaracterizing the findings of the Mueller Report. You don’t say?! Are we hypocrites when it comes to Amazon? Yes. Will we continue ordering from them? Also yes. A new confessional has us wondering how a long-distance Dallas-Singapore relationship might work. Sonic the Hedgehog’s CG look in the upcoming film adaption has us shook (not in the good way). Youtube singer ~Alex~ Austin Jones was sentenced to 10 years in prison for being a fucking pervert. At least he doesn’t need instruments to sing a capella behind bars? Facebook Official Patron and official Norwegian correspondent Amalie joins us to talk right-wing populism in Europe. To what extent have the US and UK influenced this shift? Why do people have such short memories for fascism? All this and more in this in-depth discussion, which sheds light on international perspectives. This week’s episode is sponsored by Harry’s (https://www.harrys.com/mill to get your $13 value trial set) and HoneyBook (https://www.HoneyBook.com and use promo code MILL to get 50% off your first year). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: We hear a lot about the student debt crisis and climate change, but what are the issues facing our generation we’d like to see more coverage of? Many baby boomers are not prepared for retirement, and experts suggest their millennial children will be footing the bill to subsidize their twilight years. To top it off, 66% of millennials have not begun saving for retirement. What are we doing (or not doing) to prepare? Is this financial uncertainty linked to increasing rates of depression amongst millennials? Our Lexapro says, “yes.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• Deep in your feelings about Avengers: Endgame and Game of Thrones? #Millennial is here to share in those tears with some spoiler-free reviews! • The hosts are so low on hope for our democracy they start suggesting lunch food items for President. • Shut up and take our money: Amazon is ramping up free 1-day shipping with Prime in the US. Will we become even bigger shut ins? Most likely. Are we okay with that? Mostly. • “Old man yells at cloud” update: Spielberg’s plan to block Netflix from competing for Best Picture at the Oscars has been foiled. • Indie studios and filmmakers of color are also benefitting from Spielberg’s loss. • A new study from Pew Research Center, “How Americans use Twitter” gets The Number treatment. The tables turn when we ask Laura to guess her own numbers. • Laura announces she’s going to write her letters to $10 Patrons under the green influence. Get ready for some #stonerthoughts • This week’s episode is sponsored by Rothy’s (https://www.rothys.com/mill) and FabFitFun (https://www.fabfitfun.com and enter code MILL for $10 off your first box). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: • Celebrities getting increasingly defensive about critical feedback and throwing bloggers, reviewers, and journalists under the bus. • We relive the moment when #Millennial’s daddy Hypable got put on blast by one of our favorites. #Wormtaily • How do we respond to criticism? Not like little bitch babies. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy 420! HE IS RISEN! Blaze it if you praise him (okay we’re done). We're all getting ready for Avengers: Endgame, and Marc and Laura are thinking of cheating on their friends. Queen Bey blessed us all by dropping Homecoming on Netflix. We’re ready to bow down - are you? Laura is around 100 pages into the Mueller Report and has some lesser-reported deets. What would YOU do if you got a phone call in Russian on election night? If your selfie has no visible likes on Instagram, how will you determine your self-worth? Twitter and Instagram are testing hiding like counts from their audiences. To VR or not to VR? Sony’s PS5 to be modular and VR-focussed, while Xbox and Google are banking on streaming. Our official gaming correspondent Marc weighs in. Netflix harkens back to simpler times by testing a feature that will play a random episode of a popular show. Visit Patreon.com/Millennial and pledge at $2+ for lots of new content, including a bonus show in which we discuss at-home privacy versus an open digital presence. This week’s episode is sponsored by OpenFit (text code MIL to 303030 for an extended 30-day free trial membership), Robinhood (get a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint), and Away (use promo code MILL for $20 off a suitcase). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: It’s a Surprise Bitch-a-palooza! We call a few of our supporters and chat about life and answer your burning questions. We share our memories of celebrating Easter as children. It was -- and still is -- all about the chocolate. Oops: we woke up Greg in Singapore at 3 am. Don’t worry - we sang him a lullaby to put him back to sleep. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• File your taxes and hand over your cash to Uncle Sam - #Millennial is here to help ease your tax woes! • This episode was recorded as coverage of the Notre Dame Cathedral was active. Since recording, we’ve learned that the damage, while horrifying, was not as bad as it could have been. • Keep an eye out for a BREAKING NEWS segment coming soon for $10 Patrons with coverage of the redacted Mueller Report. • Are you not entertained?! Disney+ rolling out for $6.99/month, Star Wars Celebration, and Netflix makes kind of a weird flex. • We’d be remiss if we didn’t cover the season 8 premiere of Game of Thrones. #TeamGendrya #Icybois4lyfe • Pat’s GMO discussion from last week brings up some strong listener feedback, and we get a small correction on gluten intolerances (our bad). • Listener and Patron Sara joins us this week, and her chosen discussion topic is cannabis, maaaaaan. • Sara is a strong believer in cannabis, and uses it frequently. How does this help her? Will she get down in the weeds (heh heh) with her kids when they’re older? • The panel shares some of their favorite (and least-favorite) marijuana experiences. Sara explains why Andrew should definitely smoke Indicas and NOT Sativas. •This week’s episode is sponsored by BioClarity (https://www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for 40% off your first skincare routine and 15% off everything else), ZipRecruiter (https://www.ziprecruiter.com/millennial to try ZipRecruiter for FREE), and HoneyBook (https://www.honeybook.com and enter code MILL for 50% off your first year of HoneyBook). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available at Patreon.com/Millennial: • 'Andrew Sims and the Loud Ass Pipes from Hell' update. • The US is facing a potential measles outbreak because of… you guessed it… increasing levels of non-vaccinated idiots. • Are we at a point where religious exemptions from vaccines should no longer be allowed? • Should the US require that international travelers be vaccinated against the “big bads” like MMR and Polio? • This branches into a discussion on old wives’ tales, and Andrew is shook to learn that a long-held belief is actually false. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Need something to take your mind off filing taxes? Andrew’s pipes are haunted! Pat and Laura enjoy yelling at miscreants in movie theaters. Keep an eye out for an episode of BREAKING NEWS: Mueller Report edition. Farmer Pat educates us about GMOs and the food industry creating a new fad to rip us off. Can Country music have Rap elements? Pam covers Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road,” which was #1 on Billboard’s Country chart… until Billboard decided it wasn’t Country enough. The panel has some disagreements about what qualifies as Country music. Imagine a trip to the idyllic Irish countryside: a quaint Airbnb with your family and… a hidden camera in the living room? What safety and security measures are we okay with Airbnb hosts taking? This week’s episode is sponsored by ForHers (get your first month of birth control for only $5), Robinhood (for a FREE stock like Apple, Sprint, or Ford), and Harry’s (get your $13 value trial set). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: A University of South Carolina student was murdered after she mistakenly entered a car, thinking it was her Uber. This prompts us to wonder… How do we make sure we’re getting in the right car when we order an Uber? What measures do we take to make sure we’re safe during and after our ride? What things did we do in our youth that could have gotten us harmed (or worse)? Laura recounts the time she went on a date with a taxi driver. Yes, she’s serious. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Millennial is here! We may not know a lot, but we do know there is only one country called “Mexico.” Andrew and Pat spent their weekend with self-driving cars and flying elephants after being underwhelmed by Apple’s latest product announcements. “YOU get an Oprah and YOU get an Oprah. EVERYBODY GETS AN OPRAHHH!” We’ll have the redacted version of the Mueller Report by mid-April. ~No pee pee in this report!~ Joe Biden’s touching problem: when does grandfatherly affection cross the line? LPT: Don’t touch people you don’t know. In this week’s Mailbag, teachers and students sound off: it turns out shooting people with pellets during active shooter training isn’t just an Indiana thing. Because it’s April Fools’ Day, we give credit where credit is due to Trump on banning bump stocks. (Now if only he’d ban himself.) The AP Stylebook has been updated to give journalists a YUGE TL;DR: If it’s racist, just call it racist. The Russian government continues to experiment with election tampering in Ukraine this week by (we’re not kidding) buying people’s personal Facebook accounts to spread misinformation. The panel discusses what offer we’d be willing to accept for our social accounts. This week’s episode is sponsored by Rothy’s (https://www.rothys.com and enter code MILL for free shipping with no minimum purchase), Policy Genius (https://www.policygenius.com) and OpenFit (text code MIL to 303030 for an extended 30-day FREE trial membership). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Music creators and lyricists are feeling the burn of plagiarism accusations - we listen to a couple of tracks and their alleged inspirations to weigh in. Where is the difference between inspiration and plagiarism? Wait, artists can sample from each other if they want to lift a beat for their own work? Are there really any “new” ideas, beats, or sounds? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

DISCLAIMER: This episode of #Millennial was recorded prior to the release of Attorney General Bill Barr’s summation of the Mueller report. That said, check out our latest installment of BREAKING NEWS on Patreon for our analysis! Got Mueller Report hangover? Never fear! #Millennial is here! This week’s guest is Jule, our new #Millennial social media manager! Andrew somehow enjoys getting fillings and brags about having a dentist with a freakin' massage chair. "Pam" / Marc also joins us this week to provide a run-down of which MCU movies we should binge before Avengers: Endgame. You can see his full slideshow (complete with reasoning for the movie order) over at Patreon! AP Choice covers our favorite snacks, summer drinks, comics, and dickish friends. In the news: Helicopter parents are still managing their adult children’s schedules and an Indiana elementary school shoots its teachers execution style with pellets. New show game alert: What The Trend: Florida Man edition. We wrap the show by discussing toilet habits and discover a rift between Laura and Marc over bathroom habits. No, we’re not kidding. This week’s episode is sponsored by Robinhood (Get a FREE stock like Apple, Sprint, or Ford), HoneyBook (Enter code MILL for 50% off your first year), and FabFitFun (Enter code MILL to get $10 off your first FabFitFun box). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: We’re back with another Pew Research quiz: can we correctly identify factual and opinion statements? Pew administered this quiz to Americans to see how good they are at recognizing fake news. Not shockingly, they’re pretty bad at it. We fess up about what fake news headlines have fooled us in the past, and provide our favorite tips and tricks for verifying that the news we’re sharing is indeed real. Fake news isn’t just a politics problem - we dive into all the ways in which fake news infiltrates all aspects of life. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Trump is “something from a cold McRib” according to this week’s guest. We’re going to get along great! Andrew provides some native advertising for Disney, Laura submits a dog surgery claim, and #Millennial was ranked #8 on Feedspot’s “Top 20 Millennial Podcasts on the web.” #blessed Our social media lives! Long-time listener Jule has taken the reigns on the #Millennial social accounts, so you can stop staring at posts from 2016. We’re joined by #Millennial listener Kearstyn, who talks with us about asexuality and not needing/wanting your dick pics sliding into her DMs. Is companionship something Kearstyn still seeks despite being asexual? Kearstyn also used to work in child welfare, and shares some of the nightmare scenarios she ran into on the job. 2020 is coming up, and approximately 2020 Democrats are running for President. Kill us now. But hey, at least one candidate feels like a breath of fresh air (whose husband loves Harry Potter) In the news, we touch on the terrorist attack in New Zealand, an update on Boeing’s crisis, James Gunn being let out of time-out, and Trump taking a little spanking from his party. Also, in case any time travelers from 2006 are listening, MySpace loses all our cringy high school data in 2019. Check us out on social! twitter.com/millennialshow instagram.com/millennialshow facebook.com/millennialshow This week’s episode is sponsored by BioClarity (https://www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for 40% off a skincare routine and 15% off everything else) ZipRecruiter (https://www.ziprecruiter.com/millennial to try ZipRecruiter for FREE!), and Postmates (download the Postmates app and enter code HASHTAG for $100 of free delivery credit for your first 7 days). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Lori Loughlin, Felicity Huffman, and their kids are 1D10T5. This raises the question - is it a scholarship if you have to pay for it? Felicity Huffman, will you pay my student loans? Is there ever a case where a student wouldn’t know if their parents bought their way into school? Pam explains. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Not such a small world: Pat is going to Disney World for the first time next week. Laura’s saving a whopping $12 on her student loan repayments over the next year - what should she do now that she’s flush with cash? Andrew brings his dental nightmares back to the show - RIP Andrew’s wisdom teeth. We all saw Captain Marvel this weekend and give a spoiler free review! And now we have to prepare for Endgame... It’s RuPaul’s drag race, not RuPaul’s racist race, Brooke Lynn Hytes. Facebook joins the rest of us in realizing that privacy is the cornerstone of any successful tech company. Given its abysmal record with data protection, is anyone crazy about the idea of Facebook becoming a private messaging platform? This discussion leads us deep into Facebook's Memories feature. UPDATE (Andrew, get the Xanax): A second Boeing 737 MAX 8 has crashed, this time in Ethiopia. The relatively ubiquitous model has already been grounded pending investigation by a number of countries except… the US. DISCLAIMER: Following this week’s recording, the UK and Australia have joined the wave of countries grounding the 737 MAX pending further investigation of the crash of an Ethiopian Airlines passenger jet. GOOD. Game of Thrones is preparing to drop its final season, and Pam, Pat, and Laura gush about what they’re excited to see (and who they hope will die). #TeamIcyBois Surprise Bitch! victim Kelsey joins us for a round of Fact or Fiction: Millennial Edition. “I’ll take my water double filtered” says the girl who paid for pet insurance. This week’s episode is sponsored by ForHers (Get your first month of birth control for $5), Harry’s (Get a $13 value set), and Postmates (download the Postmates app and enter code HASHTAG for $100 of free delivery credit for your first seven days). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! Why is one of our ad promo codes 'HASHTAG'? Andrew and Laura reveal how our advertisers might be a little confused by our name. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: We dig into the HBO documentary “Leaving Neverland,” which chronicles the stories of two men who allege sexual assault at the hands of King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Are the parents to blame here, or were they groomed alongside their children? The complexity of grief: how it’s possible to mourn someone and be simultaneously glad they’re gone. Hardcore MJ fans still refuse to believe their hero was a pedophile. Should we separate the man from the music? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Need a break from the Michael Cohens of the world? Look no further than the newest episode of #Millennial. • We’re joined this week by official airline correspondent James, who’s here to make sure we sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight. • Andrew 2020: A voice the HOA can depend on (to make allowances for Brooklyn to pee in the garden). • Listener feedback features someone who was shook by a recent confessional, as well as the victim of a recent ghosting event. RIP. • James answers every question Andrew’s always had about flying, such as why the pilot doesn’t hurry back to the cockpit after a potty break. • Old man yells at cloud: Spielberg is trying to prevent streaming services like Netflix from submitting their films for consideration at the Oscars. Get with the times, old man! • Laura puts the President and Board of Trustees of her undergraduate institution, McDaniel College, on blast for voting to suspend majors in the arts and humanities. • This episode is sponsored by OpenFit (text MIL to 303030 for an extended 30-day free trial membership), Rothy’s (https://www.rothys.com and enter code MILL for free shipping with no minimum purchase), and Policy Genius (https://www.policygenius.com). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: • Rotten Tomatoes has finally realized that allowing consumers to tank a movie’s score prior to its release plays into internal societal biases against women and people of color. Who knew?! • This comes shortly before the release of Captain Marvel, which was also trashed on Rotten Tomatoes, since its lead actor possesses a vagina. Of course. • In a world full of Spielbergs, be a Brie Larson. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re thinking of launching an exploratory committee for a potential Presidential run in 2020, but in the meantime, tune in to hear our latest shenanigans. Who loves orange jumpsuits? Paul loves orange jumpsuits. Is it true?! “TIL not to write a personal check to the people I’m paying to attack me.” - Jussie Smollett Speaking of high-profile cancellations, R.Kelly turned himself in over the weekend after being charged with sexually abusing 4 victims. Get the popcorn: Andrew makes Laura say something nice about Bernie Sanders. Our AP choice submissions cover dog ownership, Andrew’s sister’s student loan dilemma, and what we’d do with our lives if money weren’t an issue. Large gaming companies continue to be dickbags: EA and Bioware are facing backlash over treating their early adopters like beta testers by releasing half-baked games and letting the fans discover potential bugs. Also dickbaggish, Apple is earning the ire of major print journalism outlets like the New York Times for its new “Netflix for News” approach. As if that weren’t enough, Netflix saved all your answers to the choose-your-own-adventure “Black Mirror: Bandersnatch” episode. So if you’re a psychopath, Netflix know now - congrats! This week’s episode is sponsored by FabFitFun (https://www.fabfitfun.com and enter code MILL to get $10 off your first box), UnTuckIt (https://www.untuckit.com and enter code MILLENNIAL for 20% off your first purchase), and Robinhood (https://www.millennial.robinhood.com for a FREE stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: The hosts take Pew Research Center’s Religious Typology Quiz (http://www.pewforum.org/quiz/religious-typology/) and compare results. Surprisingly, we do have some variety in our results, and we compare ourselves to the data. Some surprises in the data itself make us question whether there is room for Evangelicals in the progressive movement. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The government lives to fight another day, as does #Millennial. Andrew’s HOA is too involved, Laura’s isn’t involved enough, and Pam has become a personal chef! (For her dog) “Uncle Joe, don’t run,” we imagine President Obama casually mentioning on his most recent brodate with Joe Biden. (Note: This episode was recorded before Bernie's announcement) The Confessional makes a return with an unsettling childhood memory and an equally unsettling Valentine’s Day gift. What has Kevin Hart, a Best Popular Film category, and Laura’s viewership? Not this year’s Oscars! That said, 2018 was a good year for women in film… unless you’re Marvel, which is just now releasing its first female-led blockbuster. Womp womp. According to a survey conducted by Yale and George Mason Universities, most Americans believe in climate change, but don’t feel the emotional urgency they ~perhaps~ ABSOLUTELY should. After several failed attempts (seriously, answer your phones people!) we reach Baila and her husband, who reveal they have a mixed-political marriage. This week’s episode is sponsored by Joybird (https://www.joybird.com/millennial for 25% off your first order using code MILLENNIAL), Zola (https://www.zola.com/mill for a free wedding website and $50 off a Zola registry), and BioClarity (https://www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for a free clarifying masque with the purchase of a skincare routine). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: In light of some of the questionable details surrounding the reported hate crime perpetrated against Empire star Jussie Smollett, Pam fills us in on a case of a false hate crime accusation from her hometown. Our jury may still be out on the Smollett case, but we cover the litany of ways in which false accusations set social movements back and scar communities. The Number: THIS MANY people are three months or more behind on their car payments, a new record. Could we see ourselves starting GoFundMe’s during a period of financial hardship? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Worried about the looming (potential) sequel to the government shutdown? Listen to the newest #Millennial instead! Andrew has an important day ruined by a food delivery driver, Laura is at war with her HOA, and Pam recaps the Grammys. Preemptive RIP to Elizabeth Warren’s 2020 bid for President. We hardly knew ye. Listener Nicki joins us to talk job hunting and what she looks for when hiring candidates. Nicki reveals she landed her current job through the #Millennial Facebook group! Andrew wants one of y’all to give him a job pls. The Confessional is back with a familiar topic: guns. We’ve certainly never had a friend like… Will Smith’s Genie in the upcoming, live action Aladdin. #nightmarefuel Is Waze making it easier to get out of speeding tickets and DUI stops? Yes. Do we want them to stop? :grimacing: AP Choice is back, with one question about a dystopian video game and another about our dystopian country. This week’s episode is sponsored by Policy Genius (https://www.policygenius.com/), Audible (https://www.audible.com/mill for a 30-day free trial), and Harry’s (https://www.harrys.com/mill for the $13 value trial set). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: A third of Americans say it’s okay to wear blackface as part of a Halloween costume, according to the Pew Research Center. Given that a majority of Americans don’t think this is okay, how is it that someone always manages to fuck this up every Halloween? Is it ever okay to wear traditional clothing of a culture or country you have no connection to? Pam and Nicki sound off. Do we still think Ralph Northam should resign? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy Black History Month! Stop asking for a White History Month. Pat is back this week, fresh off a urination tour around the Grand Canyon. Andrew and Pat definitely “don’t wanna be friendssss” with their seat neighbor at Gaga’s Vegas residency show. Listener Feedback: Fabi’s family is from Venezuela, and she’s a Democrat who… agrees with Trump’s support of opposition leader Juan Guaido. You know the Super Bowl is boring AF when the main takeaway is the infamous, mysterious viral egg. This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arms race when Cold War-era treaties are suspended. If your dick pic game left something to be desired in the past, you’re in luck:  Facebook messenger will now allow you to delete old embarrassing private messages. But also no one wants to see your dick. Should Virginia Governor Ralph Northam resign amidst a racist yearbook photo discovery? This week’s episode is sponsored by Openfit (text MIL to 30-30-30 for a special extended 30-day free trial), Away (visit awaytravel.com/mill and use promo code mill during checkout for $20 off a suitcase), and Rothy’s (rothys.com and enter promo code mill for free shipping with no minimum purchase). Support #Millennial by supporting our sponsors! And in this week’s Installment of After Dark: We tune into the State of the Union speech momentarily and offer some commentary on the Orange Menace’s butchering of the English language and American Democracy. Speaking of Mike Pence, let’s talk about our cultural obsession with serial killers! We dive into why serial killers haunt our communities and pique our interests. Andrew shocks the panel with a revelation about how his life was touched by a real-life killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The government may have been re-opened for three weeks, but #Millennial has always been here for you. We welcome #Millennial’s official gaming correspondent (and nothing else), Marc, back to the show!  Andrew and Pat are about to head to Vegas where they will enjoy West Coast specialties like In-N-Out and painted rocks. Thoughts and Prayers: Andrew facing sub-arctic temperatures and Laura facing the Super Bowl in her home city. Nintendo and Toei/Namco-Bandai seem to be snubbing major tournaments by not allowing them to host Super Smash Bros or Dragonball Fighterz. We wonder why they’re being such buzzkills and how this would even be enforceable at smaller scale tournaments. In the news: A GAY 2020 candidate, Canada ranked #1 for quality of life in the world, Venezuela’s leader rated the absolute worst with 80% of his country opposing him, and the creators of Fortnite being sued for stealing some sweet dance moves. This week's episode is brought to you by UnTuckIt (use promo code 'millennial' for 20% off your first purchase), Robinhood (visit millennial.robinhood.com for a free stock), and FabFitFun (use code MILL to get $10 off your first box) And in this week’s installment of After Dark: A number of celebrities are sitting out this year’s Super Bowl to protest police brutality and the NFL’s treatment of Colin Kaepernick. When does celebrity activism work, and when does it fall flat? Internet personalities seem to do a better job of keeping narratives constant, while A-listers tend to make one-off statements. As per usual, we get off topic and start talking about random stories from our youth. We’re sorry. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

• Friend of the show and official #Millennial conservative correspondent Parker joins us again this week to talk about the government shutdown. • We also get Parker’s reactions to the growing list of 2020 Democratic candidates and are surprised by some areas where we agree! • Andrew's got a new side hustle: A Podcast and Patreon consulting business! Hit him up if you need help with your own show or Patreon. • Laura’s rage of the week: Democrats, get the $%#& over yourselves and your ideological purity tests. • With Netflix’s recent release of viewership numbers, it raises the question of how our consumption of content has changed. Is there still a place for network TV? • Netflix has named its biggest competitor, and surprisingly, it’s not another streaming service. • Just in the nick of time, Spotify is rolling out a new feature that will allow you to block R.Kelly or any other artist you don’t want to hear from. • Things get a little… personal in this week’s recommendations. •This week’s episode is sponsored by Joybird (go here for 25% off your first order), ZipRecruiter (try for FREE), and BioClarity (enter code MIL for a FREE Clarifying Masque with purchase of a skin routine). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: • YouTube is cracking down on videos featuring dangerous pranks and challenges. #RIPTidePodchallenge • Banning videos that encourage dangerous behaviors is all well and good, but YouTube doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to restricting “inappropriate content.” • Devil’s Advocate: Government Shutdown/Wall Edition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s 2019, but we peaked in 2009 so don’t expect us to participate in your 2009 vs 2019 selfie challenge.  Laura and Pam detail their weekend drama of cheese fries and Bachelor viewing parties.  This week’s $10 Patron guest is Shania, who is gracious and speaks openly with us about being on the Asexuality spectrum.  AP Choice: What advice to we have for couples getting ready to move in together? Listener feedback proves that cursive isn’t actually useless.  We talk about which Dems are in for 2020 and what is officially the longest government shutdown in US history. People are hurting, what can we do to help? And when will Agent Orange realize he’s never getting his wall?  UPDATE: R.Kelly is officially under investigation following Lifetime’s docuseries, “Surviving R.Kelly.”  GAME: Fact or Fiction: Government Shutdown Edition.  And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon:  “Tidying up with Marie Kondo” is taking the world (and our closets) by storm. Laura has cleared out 6 trash bags’ worth of donations, Pam has emptied her closet, and Andrew has always been orderly.  Our tips for deciding what to part with and how to “let go” of things.  We all share what we have the hardest time parting with and methods we’ve employed to clear our homes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back for SEASON 5! (Sorry Andrew.) We recount our NYE experiences: little brothers, poopy plungers, and dogs shoving things into toilets. It gets weird. Announcing our new Patreon 2019 benefits: Face to Face hangouts, BREAKING NEWS, LANDY becomes one big show, and $5+ Patrons to get Mega Millennial episodes. AP Choice: Andrew and Pat relationship edition. $10 Patrons get to ask our favorite couple anything! New Year, New Laws! Florida restores voting rights for former felons, hard liquor sales are banned on Sundays in Mississippi, and new gender options are available on CA and NY driver’s licenses. Which of these is the lie? What does 2019 hold in store for President Trump? The hosts make predictions about whether the President will resign, be impeached, or remain untouched by the Mueller investigation. Ellen DeGeneres REALLY wants Kevin Hart to host the Oscars. Has Hart redeemed himself sufficiently to deserve the hosting opportunity and Ellen’s allyship? Bubble butt bubble bubble bubble butt. This week's sponsors are Rothy's (visit Rothys.com and enter code 'MILL' for free shipping), Care/Of (get 25% your first order of personalized vitamins with code 'MILL'), and Harry's (Get a $13 value trial set that comes with everything you need by visiting Harrys.com/Millennial) And in this first 2019 installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: Someone is understandably trying to kick some of her student loan debt, but Laura has some concerns about the method employed to do so. In shocking news to no one, R.Kelly is a creep and needs to be shunned by society and the music business. This brings us to a discussion about the all-too-common trend in Hollywood of young girls being groomed by much older, successful men. Is the music world preparing for its own #timesup moment? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The #Millennial holiday spectacular is here! We’re live, on camera, and drinking! Patrons can watch video of our entire recording here. Our $5 and $10 Patrons gained access to a new benefit: an exclusive #Millennial Discord channel where you can chat with each other and the hosts in realtime! Head over to patreon.com/millennial and click Settings > Account > Add Discord to join in the conversation! The Secret Santa exchange is back, and this year’s gifts are decidedly thoughtful (and in one case, sexxxxy). AP Choice: How do YOU plan on relaxing this holiday season? FB Official Patrons sound off. The Number: Holiday Binge Edition. Will the cost of all these streaming services rival cable package costs? Probably. Will we still pay for it? Probably. The EPA may be undoing the Clean Water Act and Facebook continues fucking up. Recommendations include a breakfast product and a particular Christmas movie. We’ll be back the week of January 7th for SEASON 5! This week’s episode is sponsored by BioClarity (bioclarity.com and enter code MILL for 50% off your first month) and Warby Parker (warbyparker.com/mill to get your free at-home try on!). Support the show by supporting these awesome companies! And in this final 2018 installment of After Dark: More feedback about Canadian goose jackets flies in and Andrew reconsiders his stance on the $1,000 jacket. We go over all the the expected and unexpected happenings of 2018, and what we’re most excited for in 2019 (please God let it be Mueller Time). The Number Part Deux: New Year’s Edition. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re gearing up for the holidays! Andrew and Pat are baking cookies, Laura is nearly getting murdered by repairmen, and the deadline to sign up for healthcare is December 15th! Listeners sound off: reactions to last week’s CRISPR discussion and a confessional about a sexless relationship. Since Tumblr is removing porn, we can go ahead and say RIP. On a lighter note, our Associate Producer Choice has $10 Patrons sharing their favorite porn sources, so take notes! “Keep your pic in your pants!” Cyber flashing is the hot new way to sexually harass unwitting iPhone users who don’t monitor their Airdrop settings. Get ready to buy your Amtrak passes: the new Boeing 737 MAX has a YUGE problem that caused a Lion Air flight to crash off the coast of Indonesia. As if that weren’t bad enough, several major airlines have thousands of these planes on order. Since we’re doomed to repeat our historic failures, China has begun interning hundreds of thousands of Muslims in concentration camps in the Xinjiang territory. Surprise, Bitch! gets all pharmaceutical and shit. Reminder: Next week’s episode will be our last of the year and will air LIVE over at patreon.com/millennial. If you’ve ever wanted to know what we look like, now is your chance. This week’s show is sponsored by Policy Genius (https://www.policygenius.com/), Scentbird (http://www.Scentbird.com/MILL and use code MILL for 50% off), and Rothy’s (https://rothys.com/ and enter code MILL for free shipping with no minimum purchase). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Holiday etiquette: who to bring, what to bring, and what not to talk about. Holiday firsts! What do you do when you bring someone home for the first time? What are our first Christmas memories? Andrew holds a holiday grudge and shares a touching Christmas story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back this week with guest Jared, who works for a probation and parole department. Will we get through the episode without bring thrown in the clink? Jared schools us on the importance of criminal justice reform, as well as the other areas our justice system has room for improvement. On the first day of Christmas Robert Mueller gave to me… Now that we can’t watch porn at Starbucks anymore, what is the point of going there, even? A Chinese scientist named He Jiankui has reported that he’s created the world’s first “designer babies,” or gene-edited babies. This development confirms that we are indeed living in a hellscape. Devil’s Advocate finds the panel arguing in support of designer super hero babies. This week’s episode is sponsored by ZipRecruiter.com/Mill, Audible.com/Mill, and Homesick Candles (Enter code MILL for free shipping and 10% off any order over $60). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Turkey hangover has passed, the world is still on fire, and #Millennial is back! What did we do when we were off-air the last two weeks? Partied like fucking rockstars, that’s what. Jk, we all saw Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Weak Screenplays. The US spirals further and further into Orwellian dystopia. Merry Christmas, have some tear gas. George Soros, often accused of bankrolling left-wing conspiracies, was blamed by no other than Facebook for the negative press surrounding its various data privacy breaches. This episode of #Millennial is brought to you by the Satanic Church and Netflix. The Number returns to school President Snow about some voter fraud numbers (fun fact: you’re more likely to be struck by lightening twice in your lifetime than you are to commit voter fraud!). Want to check our sources? Brennan Center ACLU: Facts About Voter Suppression Support the show by supporting this week’s sponsors: Policy Genius (www.policygenius.com), Rothy’s (www.rothys.com and enter code MILL for free shipping), and BioClarity (www.bioclarity.com and enter code MIL for 50% off and free shipping). And in this week’s installment of After Dark: “We live in a society and when you don’t abide by FAA guidelines on planes, you’re part of the problem” the new smash-hit memoir by Laura Tee. Pam and Laura explain that epic tweet thread where they proclaimed their love for one another. Prepare for implosion: we found something Barack Obama and Donald Trump agree on. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're joined by Rachel Ritlop, the owner of The Confused Millennial website and podcast! California has had a terrible week -- Pam and Andrew have stories relating to the Thousand Oaks shooting and the horrific fires Midterm update: The Blue Wave's high tide continues, as Donald Trump declares that we shouldn't count all votes We talk to Rachel about how The Confused Millennial became her full time job What are the biggest challenges with being on that work-from-home grind? And are more people hopping on the freelance train? The panelists have a classic millennial issue in common: They all worry about the future. This week's news all involves entertainment: Disney+, Toy Story 4, Detective Pikachu, and Stan Lee We call one of our listeners who enjoys life as a freelancer (but don't expect them to attend a 12:01 AM Fantastic Beasts screening Andrew recommends Joking Hazard, a game like Cards Against Humanity, but with pictures This week's episode is sponsored by Homesick Candles (use promo code MILL for 10% off a $50+ order and free shipping), Lola (use promo code MILL for 40% off a subscription), and Policy Genius! And this week in After Dark: Pam recently visited Disneyland where it's impossible to find short lines. In better news for Pam, she's finally settled on a therapist. She talks about how she found the right one. In other mental health news, Andrew is finally off of Lexapro. However, he wonders if he'd be better off continuing to take small doses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the 2018 midterms, which will never ever #%$&ing end. Light up a fat one in honor of the nation’s most reviled Keebler Elf, Jeff Sessions. Podcast friends! Check out the podcast Other People’s Lives for the inside scoop on being a 40-year-old virgin, a ghost hunter, and much more. The good: over 1 million Floridians had voting rights re-instated, over 100 women were elected to congress, Democrats took control of the House, the first openly gay governor was elected in Colorado, and the Beto effect trickled down to the state level. The bad (and expected): Republicans maintain control of the Senate, Democrats already infighting about Nancy Pelosi, and several key races still too close to call. The ugly: Voter suppression in Georgia, Trump White House bans Jim Acosta, and with Jeff Sessions fired, Trump has a new lapdog overseeing the Mueller investigation. In The Spin Room, Trump, Huckabee-Sanders, and Conway make appearances to defend the President’s post-midterm rhetoric. We take out the Mailbag and touch on some of your questions: outsider funding for elections, vegetarianism, NaNoWriMo, and gay bath houses. This week’s episode is sponsored by SquareSpace (use offer code MILL) and Policy Genius - support the show by supporting these companies! And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons: The Number returns with a midterms edition! How much student loan debt could have been paid off with the amount spent on this election? We Surprise Bitch three listeners. Two pick up the phone, and one gets an interesting voicemail from Andrew. Laura gets some intel on where in Canada she can move to (she’s sort of not kidding). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Election Day in the United States, so we've created a special episode of #Millennial that is as long as the average wait time at the polls. Enjoy 11 minutes of fun, tears, and WTFness. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pam and Andrew watched the LONG World Series, while Laura got heckled by a weirdo neighbor. We create a special 11 minute #Millennial minisode for when you wait in line to vote. Announcing the new $1 Patreon supporter tier - DTF! Come on, aren’t we worth $1? The MAGAnuts are at it again: shooting at a synagogue in Pittsburgh and pipe bombs being mailed to prominent Democrats and CNN. For a different kind of explosion, check out the AutoBlow AI - the first sex toy capable of delivering a lifelike blowjob (minus the jaw soreness). Millennials are making Facebook great again… by quitting Facebook. Surprise Bitch! Takes us to Maryland and we shittalk our former co-hosts for leaving the show to get educated. REMEMBER REMEMBER THE 6TH OF NOVEMBER AND DON’T BITCH OUT OF YOUR CIVIC DUTY. This week's episode is sponsored by TIVO, ZipRecruiter, Beach Body on Demand, and BioClarity.  And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available exclusively on Patreon: Travel nightmares: forgetting wallets, bop its thrown in the Rio Grande, and guarding Tyga’s bling on an airplane. Hidden from the Headlines: Big Tobacco is trying to get Montanans to vote against their own healthcare to avoid a hefty cigarette tax. Also, smokers are gross. Montanans: Vote YES on I-185 next week to save Medicaid expansion in your state! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Listener Josh joins us on the show this week to talk Star Wars, Trump supporting relatives, and to make Andrew envious of his silky radio voice. Laura gives a review of Chicago, Hamilton, and a new definition of gang banging. Researchers at Oxford University report that Virtual Reality exposure therapy can help us withstand our anxieties. How might exposure training for the crippling fear of inadequacy be facilitated? Every time you eat a porkchop, God kills a kitten you are killing the planet. 64% of American adults can’t successfully answer questions like “Who was the first President of the United States?” and “Where is the Statue of Liberty located?” No wonder they don’t know where their polling places are. The panel takes the US citizenship test on air - do we pass? Don’t forget to sign up for your first month of Patreon at the $5 level before November 1st and send us confirmation of your voter registration to get your first month FREE. This week’s show is sponsored by TeamiBlends, Audible, and Scentbird. Support the show by supporting these companies: And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Should people have their citizenship revoked if they can’t pass the citizenship test? Josh and Sarah Huckabee Sanders weigh in. A grocery store worker is fired for stealing $9,200 worth of ham over the span of 8 years, New Zealanders are being sued by Israel, and a gender reveal goes very, very wrong. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Elizabeth Warren, like many white people before her, is cleaving to trace amounts of Native American ancestry in her DNA results. Which brings us to the point of who gives a fuck?   The Confessional requires some advice from the #Millennial love doctor and friend whisperer.   Taylor Swift may have encouraged an additional 56,669 voters to register, but agent orange likes her music “25% less.” Sad!   Voter suppression in Georgia has Laura repeatedly reminding listeners to call on Republican gubernatorial candidate Brian Kemp to resign as Georgia’s Secretary of State.   We all know streaming is the most popular way to listen to music, but were surprised to learn what the the top streaming medium is.   The Number makes a triumphant return in which Pam and Laura try to fill in details from the streaming report covered in the episode.   Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba Sithi uhm ingonyama! Surprise Bitch takes us to North Carolina, where Sam’s husband is the Rafiki to their cat’s Simba.  And in this week's After Dark on Patreon: The KellyAnne Kanye game returns, and the answers may surprise you!  000000 is the new beat Kanye’s getting ready to drop. JK he’s just an idiot.  Discussion: The privatization of our problems. Dominoes is filling potholes, Elon Musk is filtering Flint’s water, and Skipping Rocks Laboratory is creating edible water pods. To what extent are corporations responsible to pitch in? Do we rely too much on them and demand too little of our government? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Want your first month of #Millennial bonus content for free? Confirm your voter registration status and we’ll happily oblige. Click here for more details. UPDATE: Fan Bingbang has been released - sadly, this story ends in tragedy for her bank account. Judge Kavanope was confirmed to the Supreme Court Saturday. Joe Manchin proved that there is no such thing as a West Virginia Democrat, and Susan Collins said “I believe victims of sexual assault, I just don’t care. LOL.” Knock the Vote hopes to bring out the millennial vote by taunting us with a blistering ad about how we so often opt out of the process. This week in creepy tech: BrainNet, Facebook Portal, and new Echo monitors. AP Choice has us giving advice to aspiring rideshare drivers, and addressing Dumbledore’s preferred coital moves. This week's episode is sponsored by BioClarity, TIVO, Skillshare, and Harry's. You can support #Millennial by supporting these companies! Learn more at this link And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Andrew has another wedding to bitch about, and with good reason! Laura gets into an old-school showdown in her Facebook comments with an acquaintance. PSA: Stop complaining about how fat you are. It’s annoying AF. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew's feeling a love for Patagonia this fall, but appears to be the only brand whore on the panel #Millennial PSA: If you know a white man being denied an opportunity because of his history as an abuser, keep him in your #thoughtsandprayers. CHECK YOUR VOTER REGISTRATION STATUS. THEN DOUBLE CHECK IT: Vote.org Dr. Christine Blasey Ford was poised, measured, and credible in her testimony. Meanwhile, Dudley Dursley had a partisan meltdown. Will a limited scope, short FBI investigation vindicate Dr. Ford and save us all the agony of watching Kavanaugh do keg stands on SCOTUS for the next 30 years? Also in need of #thoughtsandprayers: Facebook is in the midst of yet another data and permissions breach. Andrew and Laura recommend using a password manager like 1Password or LastPass to protect your credentials. The latest thing millennials are killing? DIVORCE RATES. Are we better at relationships or can we just not afford them? We share our iOS12 screen time results - WE CAN QUIT ANYTIME WE WANT, OKAY?! Listener Helen provides the most sage, insightful Surprise Bitch! experience to date. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available to all Patrons this week: We have more to say about the current SCOTUS drama - sorry not sorry. Andrew provides a mental health and therapy iPad update. Netflix rolling out choose your own adventure programming? How will this affect the way we interpret entertainment? Shut up and take our money: Harry Potter RPG in development. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Live from the #Millennial Pulpit this week, we are joined by Alex, who is both a listener and a pastor. We’re shocked that such a good person listens to THIS show. Offensive Halloween costumes are back in full force this year. What’s sexier than sexual servitude? Do: Dress up like Black Panther if you want! Don’t: Paint your skin brown. Why is this hard for people? Is Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein next on the Trump chopping block? What this would mean for the Mueller investigation and why we should all be prepared to protest. Hidden from the Headlines: Tens of thousands of student loan borrowers under the Public Service Loan Forgiveness program just got screwed out of debt forgiveness after paying on their loans for 10 YEARS. Life pro-tip: Call your lenders to make sure you’re not in “pay-head status” if you’re a PSLF recipient. Surprise Bitch! Brings back a, um, former guest host. Alex tells us all about the process of becoming a pastor, and how he knew from a very young age that this was his calling. He also fills us in on some of the common misconceptions of his field, and some important social justice work he is doing. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Some personal updates from the hosts AND… …Ticketmaster looks to be guilty of some fuckery that would result in them benefitting from multiple processing charges as a result of running their own reseller service. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hurricanes, mushrooms, and homeowner woes abound in this week’s #Millennial. The Emmys were a snooze fest for viewers and presenters alike. Brett Kavanaugh gets the Anita Hill treatment: Dr. Christine Blasey Ford has come forward with allegations that the SCOTUS nominee assaulted her when they were teenagers. Did the Chinese government kidnap famous actress Fan Bingbang for tax evasion? Guess which country wants to legalize dueling? Surprisingly, it’s not the US. Google that Shit (or, in Soviet Russia, you no Google Shit, Shit Google you). The Confessional gets personal: casual sex and ending long-term relationships. And in this week’s installment of After Dark, available on Patreon: Late Bloomers! According to the University of Michigan’s Transportation Research Institute, millennials are slower to get behind the wheel. Boomers consume more news than millennials, but does quantity of consumption necessarily equate to quality? We can’t defend this one: our generation has the lowest voter turnout numbers of any age group. VOTE LEST YE BE BONED BY STUDENT LOANS. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pat is back with some big news: His fam won Best Cow at the county fair. #BumpkinLife Shockingly, Pat was uninterested in dating Show Andrew but came around once he met Real Andrew. Important Announcement: Andrew has hSv, not hPv. Why the hell do people not leave when a hurricane is coming their way? Stay safe, East Coast! Facebook Official Patrons ask two questions: Is Trump's position on trade justified? How do we feel about horror video games? Apple is back with new products you don't need but will probably buy anyway. Poor Laura: She has no choice but to get one! "I've fallen and I can't get up!' Apple Watch is the new Life Alert. A new tool from the New York Times reveals how much hotter our hometowns have been getting. Do the results surprise us? At least one of us is genuinely shocked.. in the wrong way. A new report has found that taken selfies negatively affects your self esteem. Wait, what? This week's Surprise, Bitch call brings us to Pat's home state of Wisconsin. Brittany reveals she doesn't.. have.. a smart phone!? Hidden from the Headlines: The Trump administration has been denying U.S. citizens passports. And Pam reveals that her grandparents are worried about her. Recommendations: Spider-Man for PS4, Brandless, and Cupping. EW. (Not the sexy type of cupping) And this week in After Dark: MuggleSuck returns and we straight up talk shit on a whacked out person. You won't believe the nonsense they pulled on 9/11. WTF News: A dog mayor, cops wasting time, and a right-shoe robber. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the (shit)show, Angel! Do furries dress as red pandas? BREAKING: A senior White House official wrote an anonymous op-ed for the New York Times confirming the Republic’s dumpster fire status. 2018 Gift for $10 Patrons: a #Millennial sticker set! Facebook Official Patrons can expect to receive theirs in a few weeks (Make sure your mailing address is up to date!). Pledge at the Facebook Official Level now to receive your sticker set later this year! We’ve found the one thing millennials aren’t killing: STDs. The CDC has reported record jumps in the spread of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia. GET TESTED. The one man advocating for student loan borrowers on the federal level has resigned his post in protest. WTF: Proctor & Gamble has come up with a dumb, completely non-innovative marketing strategy. 2 Truths, 1 Lie: Trumpster Fire edition. And in this week's After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons: Laura is allergic to everything - tales of a trip to the allergist. We check in with a former #Millennial co-host and ask if he’s seen any vaginas in his new line of work. The Confessional: when friends with benefits goes awry and thinking your life is super lame and boring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s a full show this week: remembering John McCain, a victory in Georgia, and PSL is comin’ back baby! Actress and creator Mariana Novak joins us to talk acting life, voiceover work, Jason Bateman, and being Russian and American in the current climate. We always knew Paul Manafort would look great in orange… …and that Michael Cohen would flip… …and that the National Enquirer has a safe filled with dirt on Trump?! Looking forward to November 6th, Lyft will be providing free and reduced fare rides to your polling place! These damn teenagers are taking our jobs: the wild, wild west of Instagram influencers. The latest mass shooting in Jacksonville, FL makes us take a look at some numbers by playing The Number. Someone actually answers for Surprise Bitch! on the first call! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: WTF News makes its return, and shockingly, neither of the stories originated in Florida. How does everyday tech use impact our friendships and relationships? Do any of us just need to put the damn phone down? Videogames as a bonding tool: the cheap way to spend time with bae without reproducing. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, listener Kelsey joins the show to give us public speaking advice (gulp)! Pam is back from Vegas with an explanation of how she met a Backstreet Boy and why she bought $20 avocado toast and thus will be unable to retire. How to embrace the nerves and anxiety surrounding public speaking? Remember that no one wants you to fail (unless your name begins with T and ends with rump). Facebook is looking to solidify its presence as the internet’s cesspit by introducing an anonymous down-voting system. Uncle Eustace can now upvote his favorite bigoted rhetoric and face 0 social accountability for it! Zillow says that millennials can’t afford homes because we’re attending too many destination weddings. Meanwhile, none of their value estimates are remotely accurate. The election board of Randolph county, Georgia is planning to close 7 of its 9 polling places. Take two guesses which group of people this will disenfranchise. The Confessional gets a little bi-curious, and Surprise, Bitch! isn’t much of a surprise this week. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: An additional bi-curious confessional! How many, uh, verbal fillers did we use in episode 4x30? It is now U.S. policy to support poachers: dozens of permits have been issued to GOP donors, allowing them to murder endangered species abroad and bring their “trophies” home for the mantle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of our hosts spent $20 on avocado toast, so we fired her and warned that she’ll never be able to afford a home. Marc sits in, promoting Andrew to ask a barrage of personal questions as one does. Who’s getting guaranteed salaries, health insurance, bonuses for wins, and subscription payments? Gamers. The panel experiences a sudden desire for a career shift. JFK nOT DeAd CIA tOOK DoWn JFK jr. So hilLarY COulD RuN fOR SEnaTe tOM HAnKS iS A PedoPhiLe tRUMP kNoWs ExaCtlY hOW tO Be prEsiDEnt wE ArE Q Electric scooters are the latest craze in major cities and we all clearly fucked up by ditching our razors. We’re asked via the confessional what we think happens after death and we (probably) disappoint the asker. Surprise, Bitch! 5th time’s the charm. And in this week's After Dark: After last week’s complaining about fitness models on instagram, we can’t wait to talk about our mad gainz.  Listener feedback comes with a reaction to listener Kris’s transition to living in her card and a warning to steer clear of a certain credit bureau’s subscription program. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the end of 420 jokes - it’s episode 4x30 maaaaaaan.  Welcome Roshni! This week, we kick off a new $10 Patron benefit where we’ll be bringing on listener guest hosts.  This week marks the 53rd anniversary of the Voting Rights Act. The best way to celebrate is to check your voter registration status. Listener Kris is moving out of her apartment, and into her car. We call her, and she fields a multitude of questions about her new life.  Judeo-Christian ideals are deeply rooted in our culture and politics. Roshni brings this topic to the table, and asks a few very important questions. Namely, will the US ever move beyond these ideals? Should it?  If Alex Jones screams into the void after being banned from Facebook and Youtube, does it make a sound?  Recommendations: Chicago Architecture Tour, Sharp Objects, Eight Grade, and checking your credit report And in this week’s installment of After Dark:  Social media norms that need to die: humble brag gym selfies, expecting people to follow/friend you, vague booking, posting pictures of your perfect fucking relationship with your amazing boyfriend OKAY KAREN WE GET IT.  What social media faux pas are we guilty of? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We chose avocado toast over paying the bills, but we still managed to return from our summer break as promised. Where do we stand on Disney’s firing of James Gunn? How false equivalencies and absolutism have made this debate a frustrating one. Andrew made Laura a song, our listeners fap to Andrew, and much more in this week’s confessional. In altogether non-shocking news, then-candidate Trump was presented with evidence that Vladimir Putin sought to interfere in the 2016 election, and a best friendship was born. If a drunk girl doesn’t vomit in an Uber, and the driver reports it, does it leave a mess? Demi Lovato relapses after 6 years of sobriety: we share our take on the growing opioid epidemic. The Trump administration is trying to cut key provisions of the Endangered Species Act, which will result in doom and destruction on planet earth (no, really).  And in this week’s episode of After Dark: The MuggleSuck Tales continue with a modern twist. AP choice brings questions from our $10 Patrons: favorite meals to cook, experiences taking anti-depressants, homeschooling, and more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On this week’s episode, we take a walk on the conservative side. Listener Parker joins us to talk hot button topics like immigration, funding, healthcare, and abortion. If con is the opposite of pro, isn’t congress the opposite of progress? Several members of congress get duped into publicly endorsing a program that would arm preschoolers. Facebook wants to ensure you’re seeing more of the things you care about: baby pictures, cat videos, and Infowars conspiracy theories. Another one bites the dust: another key pillar of the Affordable Care Act, risk adjustments, have been slashed from the budget. Devil’s Advocate sees us truly crossing the aisle this week, as each host has to argue in favor of an opposing political ideology. Don’t forget to check out our new album art. Kudos to Jon! And in this week’s installment of After Dark: New stories from #Millennial: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Pet Policies, Laura Tee and the Rising Premium Rates. How can companies ensure brand loyalty amongst millennials? What sorts of practices turn us off? Google That Shit! We will be off next week, but Patrons will receive an extra 7 minutes of good content recorded during this episode. It'll be released around the middle of next week! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re joined this week by Andrew’s paramour, Pat! Pat fills us in on that dairy farmer life: tariffs, and hormones, and nut juice, oh my! Speaking of milk, the US delegation to the UN made waves this week when they went rogue and blocked a resolution that would have promoted breastfeeding. Our BFFs over in Russia saved the day though! The “toxic fandom” phenomena continues to gain steam as stars are forced to delete social media accounts to avoid harassment. When does critique go too far? In other fandom news, Game of Thrones has wrapped production on its final season, and Andrew still knows nothin’. How well does Pat know Andrew? The NewlyWed game puts these lovebirds to the test! Anyone in the Chicago area need a personal trainer? Hit up Pat: fincutterfitness@gmail.com And in this week’s installment of After Dark: TruTV is launching a new show - Paid Off - in which the winners get…. their student loans paid off. We play a mock version of this game show with listener Sara. We can’t pay off her student loans, but we can give her a free month of Patreon! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy 4th of July! The US still has over 2,000 children in cages. This week in more ‘America is fucked’ news, justice Anthony Kennedy resigns from the Supreme Court, leaving a second vacancy for Trump to fill. Disney and Universal Studios are banking on millennial nostalgia in their upcoming theme park ventures. We’re sure there will be an avocado toast stand on every corner! A Hillary Clinton Theme Park? We brainstorm ideas. BREAKING NEWS: North Korea never had any intention of denuclearizing. How could we have predicted this would happen?!?! Sarah Huckabee Sanders joins us again to burn some more truth.  And in this week’s edition of After Dark: Andrew’s gonna stick it to the (HOA) man! He also comes up with a homeless outreach program idea that makes the girls grimace. WTF News makes its return: running over pedestrians to get out of work, Texans using rattlesnakes as weapons, shitting diamonds, and much more! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew and Pam kick off the show with a spoiler free review of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. Speaking of fallen kingdoms, we provide this week’s update on the US border detention situation. Tl;dr: 2,300 children are still separated from their parents, and border patrol will re-vive the Obama-era “catch and release” policy. Sarah Huckabee Sanders and the Hypocrite’s Podium: as progressives, are we really doing ourselves any favors by taking the low road? Canada? More like Cannibisda! Do we think marijuana should be legal? We’ve discovered by 53% of millennials think they’ll be millionaires: they don’t tip for services! SCOTUS actually made a good call: authorities will need a warrant to access cellular tower location data. Recommendations: MoviePass and “Echo” Liquid Lipstick by Kat Von D And in this week’s episode of After Dark: Google that shit: the Supreme Court is…, Millennials are the worst…, and Marijuana helps….  The Confessional raises questions about familial etiquette: 8 extended family members crashing a listener’s small apartment and a parental invasion of privacy, oh my! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back, sycophants. Marc rejoins us this week to tell us what nerds should be excited for after E3. (The answer is ALWAYS Pokémon, duh.) Just in case you missed it… THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES THE US GOVERNMENT IS PUTTING CHILDREN IN CAGES Got it? Jeff Sessions joins us to share some of his favorite fascist-inspired scriptural quotations. According to a new study 53% of millennials expect to become millionaires. This is not the economy you are looking for. We discuss the recent allegations against Chris Hardwick. Are we too fast to crucify based on allegations? Who said it: Donald Trump or another infamous dictator? Visit Millennial Podcast's website to learn more. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Recommendations: booze edition Vacation shaming: why are Americans so afraid to use their paid time off? How can we counter our culture of working ourselves to death for bragging rights? A new After Dark perk, MuggleSuck, makes it debut. On a monthly basis, we’ll share insider stories about our previous “employer.” Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who did it better? IHOP marketing their “name change” to “IHOB,” or Agent Orange marketing his summit with Little Rocket Man? All this in this week’s #Millennial and much more! We call Kate, a Canadian listener who schools us in provincial politics and explains the election of min-Trump, Doug Ford. President Trump tells our allies to suck a dick and leaves the G7 summit early to snuggle up with a murderous dictator instead. The University of Pennsylvania has released a new study that shows social change can be brought around by convincing just 25% of your social circle to support it. Time to take Laura’s advice and be the annoying person at parties asking if people are registered to vote. Hidden from the Headlines: the EPA laughs in the face of accurate, straight-forward, and historically proven science… again. The Confessional: Relationship Edition. And in this week’s installment of After Dark: Surprise Bitch! leaves us sad when THREE PEOPLE don’t answer their phones. You’re telling us you have something better to do than waiting to hear from us?! Listener Julia saves the day and answers her phone. We talk LA and asbestos. In somber news, we discuss the recent tragic deaths of designer Kate Spade and chef Anthony Bourdain. Why is suicide only ever discussed after we lose someone to it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy June, Happy Pride! We welcome Dr. Sarah Steelman to the show to discuss her research on same-gender pairings and degrees of “outness.” Sarah informs us on a number of topics, including queer theory, the Matrix of Intelligibility, and the impacts of heteronormativity, politics, and history on LGB persons. In the news: Apple’s iOS 12 aims to decrease notifications stress, SCOTUS rules in favor of an anti-gay baker, Facebook proves yet again why they suck at data privacy, and a US Senator attempts to tour a detention center where unaccompanied immigrant children are being held. And in this week’s installment of After Dark:  Dr. Steelman talks about her doctoral experience and provides some sage advice for anyone thinking of pursuing a PhD. Samantha Bee and “the c-word.” We dive into whether or not we were ok with the joke, and if we agreed with Sam’s apology to Ivanka Trump. Mixed opinions abound! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“Bless me #Millennial for I have sinned. It has been 3 days and 12 hours since the last time I threw my garbage on a movie theater floor.” - Andrew Marc (aka Micah?) joins us and gives us his E3 predictions. He and Andrew plan to get E-rect. We force Pam to answer some cringey interview questions used by employers to be hip and cool with the kids. In the news: The Celebrity President is leading up to an exciting season finale: Will they or won’t they: North Korea edition, The great GDPR inbox flood, Instagram has a mute feature, and the US lost 1,475 migrant children. We wish this were all #fakenews. A familiar voice deigns to join us for Surprise Bitch! and we’re all signing DNRs in case we end up hospitalized in LA. And in this week’s episode of After Dark: Google that shit! What to do when you’re “the other woman.” We try to give some honest, frank advice about getting out of an affair. Traditional definitions of virginity do not cover the range of (super super hot and fun) things you can do that qualify as sex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to #Millennial! it’s 4x20 maaaaaaaaaaan. We kick off the show with a new segment, #MilleniHelp. With almost a third of the US population not putting away enough for retirement, what are we doing to save? Patrons sound off and share some of their best savings advice. Here we go again: we discuss the 22nd school shooting of 2018 and no one is surprised. Things the GOP will ban before guns: doors, high-rise buildings, schools. The infamous Laurel vs Yanny debate brings science and linguistics to the show (Let’s be real though, the right answer is Laurel). Hidden From The Headlines: Andrew Smith, the lawyer who represented Equifax after its massive data breach last year, has been appointed to run the Federal Trade Commission. This is the office investigating — you guessed it — Equifax. And in this week’s episode of After Dark: WTF News returns! What blows up in a 7-11 microwave before you go for a drug test? Tune in at 9 to find out! A creepy home invasion story has us all re-evaluating our sense of security at home. “I fought the dog and the dog won.” Good boy teaches owner important gun safety lesson. Somehow we end up reviewing the FDA handbook for legally acceptable amounts of insect parts in certain foods? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“Happy Mother’s Day to everyone! I don’t want to see any more pictures of your mom!” – Andrew Please take this survey so we can help create the best Patreon possible! A Chicago bar stole our logo for their Millennial trivia night, so we’re giving away a free month of Patreon to Surprise Bitch! callers who prove their #lit knowledge. Apple hasn’t come out with a GrayKey condom to protect your phone from law enforcement (yet), but a new patch coming in iOS 11.4 will render the lightening port useable only for charging. The end is near(?) The US-North Korea summit will take place on June 12th in Singapore. A historic moment for sure – but will anything come of it? Texas is late (as always) to the gay marriage party, so a teacher has been put on administrative leave after telling students about her future wife. Android is adding new features aimed at decreasing time spent on mobile devices. I can haz feature to decrease student loan debt?’ And this week’s After Dark is a grab bag of topics! Surprise Bitch! catches up with one our our favorite nEHbors to the north. What tactics do we use to power through procrastination? What are the most embarrassing moments we’ve ever had while dating? One of these stories involves a foot getting stuck in a toilet (no, really). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial is back for another packed episode, and Hawaii is turning into Mount Doom! Is Roe vs. Wade in trouble, and is the anti-choice argument really about the sanctity of life? (Spoiler: Nope.) Love at first poke: Facebook is trying to clean up its #fakenews image and starting its own online dating platform. Californians will have to make a tough choice: avocados or solar panels - can’t have both! Kanye is doing the lord’s work by diluting centuries of suffering into a simple “choice.” “I specifically ordered Persian rugs with cherub imagery. What do I have to do to get a Persian rug with cherub imagery.” Kellyanne Kanye or Trumpster Fire? And in this week’s edition of After Dark: The Life and Lies of Rudy Giuliani: Giuliani joined Trump’s legal team and violated attorney-client privilege all within a 48 hour span. A Storm is coming: Stormy Daniels continues trolling Trump. Is she hurting her credibility? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

North and South Korea: are they or aren’t they? Speaking of couples who deserve each other, T-Mobile and Sprint are creating one network to rule them all (with shitty reception).  Michelle Wolf was savage at the White House Correspondents’ dinner, and we. are. here. for. it.  Democrats, Republicans, and the media alike were butt hurt to have the first amendment take priority over their evening of self-aggrandizing and schmoozing.  Got an annoying friend who can’t shut up about their genealogy results? Take heart, they might be a serial killer!  Joy Reid, the very popular and very liberal MSNBC host has come under scrutiny for homophobic blog posts from a decade ago. Does someone deserve forgiveness for a homophobic past when they can’t own up to that past in the first place?  We wrap the show with a SPOILER RIDDEN review of Avengers: Infinity War. Turn the show off when we issue the spoiler warning unless you want the part where Tony Stark adopts Peter Parker and Rocket Raccoon ruined! (Oops!)  And on this week’s episode of After Dark: WTF News returns. Would you post on social media to get out of a speeding ticket? Where does New York’s poop go? Better yet, can teddy bears be seen on x-rays?  Devil’s Advocate: Social media self-shaming to avoid traffic tickets. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Uncle Andrew lets us peek behind the curtain of MuggleCast headquarters. Let's play a LoveGame, a LoveGame: Laura battles to the death to retain her BFF status, and things get heated. America's Dad is going to prison and we try to figure out what makes this case different from the many others like it. The first successful male genital transplant gives Andrew #hope. This email will self-destruct in 10 minutes. Surprise, bitch! welcomes our new favorite Canuk to the show, who graciously explains to us what it's like to have a normal national leader. And in this week's After Dark: Devil's Advocate: the genital transplant edition. A fitting first run for our new beloved co-host Pam. From our Feed: a listener asks for advice, and we divulge.  Kellyanne Kanye blew up Twitter with his #MAGA nonsense. We play a game to see if we can tell the difference between his BS and Trump's. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Is there even a 1% chance our boyfriends think we have a pee tape? Find out live, just like we do. This message brought to you by grad school: fuckin everyone over, one podcast at a time. We dig into an explosive news week with a discussion -- and a game -- surrounding the latest Trump/Cohen/Stormy drama. We even stuff our mouths with marbles.  A new device allows law enforcement to break into our phones and new credit card terms allow us to save some trees.  A listener seeks our sage life advice. Time to get fit and be scared.  In this week's After Dark: What parts about being an adult weren't we prepared for?  This gets real, fast, as we share genuine experiences and fears. But also, [Seinfeld voice] what's the deal with produce?! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Laura introduces us to her slampiece and Andrew is erect. The Number takes on a decidedly ominous tone. Hawaii puts itself on the short list of states that allow medically assisted suicide. There are worse ways to go. A Chicago suburb bans assault weapons and we... aren't sure WHAT to feel. YouTubers learn that defining "controversial" isn't as easy as looking it up in Webster's. A very special edition of the Newlywed Game takes us up close and personal with Laura & Marc. 4ever. In this week's After Dark: Online communities are weird spaces. We talk about our best, and worst, experiences. What kind of responsibility do creators have to their communities? Is there any responsibility in reverse? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A warm welcome to Zach, who brings a touch of sincerity and thoughtfulness to the episode. Fuel efficiency standards are being rolled back and we fuckin rampage. Uber fucks up bigly as one of its self-driving cars self-drives its dumb ass into a human being. It's tragic and telling. A fascinating new psychology study concludes that a person's attractiveness determines to what extent they think of society as "fair and just." We ugly. Zach is in it to win it with some much-needed insight into the debate on mental health and gun violence. He wants you to check out this website if you're seeking mental help. Broad brushes are for bitches. In this week's After Dark: The Sinclair controversy reaches a boiling point as a poignant video goes viral. We play the clip and dig in. "This is dangerous to our democracy." 2 Truths, 1 Lie: Fake News style. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A Stormy's comin, 'Arry. And you best be ready when she does. The Journal of Sex Research has released a comprehensive list of reasons (and remedies) for dead bedrooms in long-term relationships. We're fascinated.  Cambridge Analytica: What. The fuck. "Surviving middle school is supposed to be metaphorical." March For Our Lives breathes new life into the gun control debate. And no. Knowing CPR won't help. Surprise, bitch! welcomes a fellow marcher to the show. And in this week's After Dark: Laura asks us to consider the growing phenomena of partisan disconnect, and how people are increasingly unaware of their own hypocrisies. Purity tests make the "perfect" the enemy of the "good." Democracy is tough, dirty work. Do it anyway. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The new intro is here! RIP Matt, you'll live on in our earbuds. The Stormy Daniels saga is about to be put on steroids by a new interview. From bikes to trains to video games, it's the biggest toy store to ever go out of business! Gee whiz! A big upset in PA has everyone cautiously optimistic.  "SIR I THINK I LEFT MY CLAY FACE MASKS IN YOUR CAR!!!" Uber reveals the strangest items ever submitted to their Lost & Found.  Surprise, BRANDON. You're not the only one with connections, BRANDON. And in this week's After Dark:  China formalizes its plans for a "social credit" system, whereby citizens' social responsibility is judged based on petty behavior like blocking crosswalks. The penalty? Immobility. Calling George Orwell.  What's the danger (and if you're Andrew, the benefit) of a government implementing "social credit" scores? We pretend such a system exists here and reveal the things that would have ruined our social credit score. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

RIP Andrew. The show assumes its final form as the girls take over. We vouch for the wholesomeness of a long lost host. "North Korea meeting? What North Korea meeting?" -The White House, probably. Martin Shkreli, the asswipe who raised lifesaving medicine prices for sheer, obscene amounts of profit, is going to prison. Sad. A bunch of SYCOPHANTS submitted listener questions and we assign each other dog breeds. #sophisticated And in a special edition of After Dark: OkStupid: The girls introduce you to their boyfriends, whom they both met online, explaining why they're both so profoundly creepy. Online dating as a man has its pros and cons. Mostly pros. We get our geek on with some gaming talk. Listeners seek relationship advice and we get real with them. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hidden from the Headlines: a new and troubling trend of governors refusing to hold special elections when they fear their party might be on the losing end. This is NOT what democracy looks like. Alexa users are reporting that the AI will laugh creepily. On her own. Unprompted. HARD FUCKIN PASS. "Family Foundations": they love family so much, they want every child to start their own! Surprise, bitch! confuses a listener at work, and Associate Producer's Choice has us worrying about the Potter franchise. And in After Dark, available to $2+ Patrons this week: The truth is out there. So are our conspiracy theories. A program to research aliens, and whether they've visited Earth, is a real thing. We reveal our own extraterrestrial experiences. Andrew calls for help. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A tapestry of photographs flash before the screen. The collage ends on a glowing photo of Matt, smiling, looking serene atop a mountain of clouds. We feel his presence even as the picture fades to white. His voice echoes softly: "How's my butthole look in these?" And then he's gone. The last piece of him, a memory only our sleeping eyes can see. Let's talk about sex, baby, let's talk about D and D! President Trump proposes we stop school shootings by arming teachers with guns. We can't afford to arm them with paper and crayons, but sure, this is fine. Foreskins finally get the press coverage they're due as religious leaders condemn a new Icelandic law banning circumcision.  #MemoGate enters week 453 (estimation) with a redacted rebuttal. Friends forever.  And in this week's installment of After Dark: Someone's sphincter is broken and I CAN'T JUST LEARN IT FIXED AGAIN, OKAY Apart from the great circumcision debate, how are parental norms changing? What differences do we see between the way we were raised, and the way our peers are raising kids? Participation trophies aren't all bad, but denying FUCKING SCIENCE is. The convo turns personal as we explain what we'd do differently from our parents. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Black Panther is a crazy good success story. One might say... almost too successful.  It's happening. Slowly, but surely. Mueller's investigation is inching closer to conclusion, starting with the fuckwads who dared to interfere with the oldest constitutional democracy in the world. Another school shooting. Another town devastated. When will we value our children more than our guns? The Parkland shooting survivors aren't waiting for an answer. The great transportation debate: Uber, Lyft, and the cost of crumbling infrastructure.  From Our Feed: Folks are up in damned arms over Fergie's rendition of the national anthem, and we... let you decide for yourselves.  Sending thoughts and prayers to a listener's overworked liver.  And in this week's After Dark: Google That Shit takes a look at the main show's stories and we remember that people are idiots.  We call a bunch of listeners for Surprise, Bitch! and get through to some sexy smart motherfuckers. Physicists? We can barely spell that. Voicemails about getting high. Jupiter shows up in someone's oven. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Time for a feel trip. We wish Matt the worst of luck, and hope he falls flat on his face. "LOOK AT ME. I'M THE POACHER NOW." -Lions Omarosa returns to her reality television roots and immediately starts dropping bombs and freaking us the fuck out. We have the best health care in the world, they said. You'll be fine, they said. Health insurance company Aetna gets caught with their pants down. Vote with your wallet. Drink Dunkin'. The Confessional celebrates the freedom to refuse being labeled or boxed into a single identity. We discuss the true meaning of capitalism I MEAN LOVE in a special Valentine's Day segment. In this installment of After Dark. Would you rather have to suck on your boyfriend's dirty, sweaty toes, or lick a friend's clean and pristine vagina? Would You Rather: Valentine's Day Edition gets gross. We learn even more about each others' butts. Andrew tries to corner the girls. The girls have none of it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Eagles win the Superbowl and MLK rolls over in his grave. Memo Schmemo. Who needs the FBI anyway?! Lolz Stop trying to make the Olympics happen. They're not going to happen. The Larry Nassar case gets heated and the #MeToo movement proves itself tragically relevant.  Susan B. Anthony's dream is realized with the introduction of Lady Doritos: for the sexy snacker in every woman. Hidden from the Headlines examines how the Environmental Protection Agency is failing to protect the environment. Also you. The BEST PRESIDENT, LIKE, EVERRRRRR gets a Twitter makeover with our Valley Girl series. And in this week's After Dark: If you see my butthole, I should get to see yours. #relationships101.  Plans go off the rails as Andrew regales us with tales from his sex life. We try to be normal and answer some listener questions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew recalls a horrific dream he had recently. ~What does it mean??~ We share our thoughts on Trump's SOTU.. the parts we watched, anyway. Oprah has announced she's not running for President. That's a big win for the Dems. Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of this Damn Series. What the hell is going on with David Yates' latest comments? Mark Salling is dead of an apparent suicide, and some people seem happy about it. Sorrynotsorry that some of us feel sympathy for his family and tragic life. GET. VACCINATED. Flu season is really bad this year. Surprise, Hosts! Our latest Surprise, Bitch victim is a Republican. We talk about what it's like to be a conservative and listener to a liberal podcast. The Number: Sleep and Facebook Editions. Our first sponsor of the year has done wonders for Andrew's and Laura's faces: Visit BioClarity.com and use code 'MIL' to get their 30-day skincare regime for $9.95, including free shipping! This week in After Dark: Bad Neighbors, Part 2. Matt and Andrew tell Laura how to deal with her shitty upstairs neighbor. We read horror stories from listeners. They involve cannons, nudity, and brooms. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-The government shitdown unfolds as we speak, and we all pray that pinky promises are legally binding.  -An Irish woman finds love in the arms of her new husband: the 300 year old ghost of a Haitian pirate. WTF News is back! -#FakeNews NASA says our solar system contains a mysterious 9th planet... that we just haven't found yet. In related news, science determines all reality is a sham. -Pennsylvania's Supreme Court made big waves when it struck down gerrymandering this week, prompting many in the Republican Party to comment, "Fuck." -Women descend on the nation in droves demanding crazy feminazi shit like "equal pay" and "reproductive freedom."  -Trump assumes his final form as a Reddit comment troll. -China's new, freakishly efficient air purifier might be the answer to our ailing air quality. Also, trees. -USE A PHONE. -The Confessional pedals conspiracy theories, and Surprise, Bitch! surprises absolutely no one. In this week's After Dark: -Bad neighbors. We've all had them, and right now, Andrew is seething over his. He shares his latest horror stories and we empathize.  -"Hi, can I show you how best to close a door?" Fuck off you lying shitburger. -We plot revenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream, and we are it. Let's act like it. -MOUNTAINS, GANDALF!!! takes on a decidedly different meaning. -President Trump refers to particular, mostly people of color-populated countries as "shitholes," and the veneer of "this isn't about race" washes straight off. -YOU ARE ABOUT TO DIE. HUG YOUR CAT. HIDE YOUR KIDS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. -Apple users have something useful to celebrate for the first time since that Coldplay ad stopped airing. -New Years resolution: getting Facebook to give a fuck about propaganda. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Germany and the Midwest. We ask how they like their dirty talk. And in today's After Dark: -Andrew gets gross on us. Again. #RegularDick -The Tide Pod challenge has us reliving our dumbest moments and revealing our worst life choices in a game of 2 Truths 1 Lie. -BREAKING NEWS FOR THE HP FANDOM. We learn who was behind the infamous Acid Quill, and who was responsible for outing Andrew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back! It's officially season 4. Time to jump the shark and disintegrate into a heap of failure. Highlights from our break include a Rated R coffee mug, a tropical trip from hell, and an acute injury to one of our boyfriends. Merry Christmas. New Year, New Laws: we take a look at some of this weird, but mostly pretty cool, state laws taking effect in 2018. (Suck it up, Oregon.) YOU get a Super PAC! YOU get a Super PAC! YOU… can take a seat. Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the Oprah for President trend. Fire and Fury makes major waves as the retelling of an age-old story you might better know as, "The Emperor Has No Clothes." Surprise. Why it's important to carefully support real, honest journalism right now, even if it means being critical of reporting you like. And in season 4's first installment of After Dark: Game: Guess what people got stuck up their assholes in 2017! Literally. This isn't metaphor. There is an actual list of items people got caught in their hammies. "You're still fat." New Years Resolutions suck. But we make them anyway. Andrew becomes a motivational speaker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-Happy birthday to the heart and soul of this show, our dear Laura. Champion of the downtrodden. Warrior for the underrepresented. Purveyor of the sex. -We finally unwrap our Secret Santas and find out WTF is in Laura's giant box. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Utah where we creep on a listener who was just creepin' on us. -Associate Producer's Choice asks us to dive into the debate happening now over microtransactions in video games, and whether they constitute gambling. -We look back on 2017 with horror and a little bit of sap. In this year's final installment of After Dark: -SPOILER ALERT (no, seriously): Star Wars, The Last Jedi. -This film did one thing impressively well, then did all other things... not well. -How did we feel about the big reveals? Will they even stick? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-The Force is strong with us as we get hyped THE FUCK UP for Star Wars: The Last Jedi. -Surprise, bitch! takes us to Florida, where grandparents and presidential campaigns go to die. -Transgender military recruits are shown the respect they deserve by our judicial system. -YOU get a cake! YOUUU get a cake! YOU -- maybe don't. -Facebook Messenger for Kidz: For the bad parent in all of us. -WTF News makes a comeback with some unsavory developments out of Canada. -Listener Feedback validates Andrew's nasty side. And on this After Dark: -Fetishes 101, written and directed by Andrew NeedsHelpALot. -How women should embrace whatever sexuality they feel, and how the porn industry should embrace women. -A Confessional asks us to consider what we would do if our significant other wanted to buy a gun. And keep it in our house. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We kick off with a graphic update on our Thanksgiving sex lives. #blessed Surprise again, bitch! welcomes back a sly motherfucker who somehow figured out how to con the system. It's beginning to look a lot like a merry Mueller Christmas. Royal wedding bells are a' ringing, and this time, there's interesting social ramifications. SAT question 2017: Smallville is to ___, what Jonestown was to ____. Rutgers University tells everyone to grow a spine because confronting racist family members actually works to reduce racism. A game of Google that Shit has us wondering: how do you move a family in Skyrim? And in this week's After Dark: - Two titans of delivery meals battle it out in this rendition of Hello Fresh v. Freshly - Tipping your delivery person: a necessity, and an evil. - We get personal about our food delivery habits, how new smartphone apps are helping or hindering those habits, and what services are worth the price tag. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're back from break and recap our -- Thank God -- smooth Thanksgivings with the family. This discussion prompts some memories of our closeted pasts. Dictionary.com reveals their Word of the Year, and it's a word that isn't in Trump's vocabulary. It looks like we're about to lose Net Neutrality, and we can't understate how bad this is for the future of the internet. Here's some sample language that you can use when writing to the FCC via their website: “I support the current Net Neutrality rules under Title II of the Communications Act of 1934. Net Neutrality is a core principal of the internet, which protects all of us by preventing ISPs from throttling service to benefit the highest bidder.” There's been a terrible attack in Egypt. Also terrible: The latest man accused of sexual misconduct towards women. A couple of our top Patrons want help with their careers. Where do they go from here when their jobs suck? In The Confessional, another listener comes out as a conservative! :O This week, in After Dark: Thanksgiving is over, so it's time to celebrate Christmas! Andrew forces Matt and Laura -- two Grinches -- to listen to all types of Christmas music, from new tunes to weird classics. We debate the merits of a few songs and also scoff at a new Frozen single. Merry Christmas! ... From Andrew only. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Australians show us how voting is done. Congrats to the LGBTQ community down under! Literal. Fucking. Nazis. show up to protest in favor of a "white Europe" -- 60,000 of them, to be exact, because fuck this whole year. Want to stop your nudes from being posted online? Send 'em to Facebook, who will only post them to their cork board.  "Obesity is about to hit you across the face." Too late. One Show to Rule Them All. One Show to Fuck Us. One Show to Bring Them All, and in Your Roku, Depress Us. And on this week's Thanksgiving Special version of After Dark: How do you handle being horny over the holidays? Is it acceptable to have sex in your parents' house? We discuss and play Devil's Advocate. Holiday Horror: Families. We relive our childhood traumas.  What are we LEAST thankful for this year? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We say goodbye to Kevin Spacey as he says goodbye to his career. The stomach-turning shooting in Texas has us grieving yet again. But we have reason to hope. Popular conservative Twitter accounts, like @Jenna_Abrams, have been outed as #FAKE. They were found to be created by the Russian government -- which isn't, by the way, only targeting conservatives. Papa John's goes apeshit and Amazon apparently doesn't consider the fact Americans have dogs??? Submarine-ing is a thing. A brave listener writes in to warn us of Andrew's treachery. And in After Dark: "It was enough to butter a bagel." Andrew regales us with a thoroughly unsavory tale about his genitals. Matt asks us a series of oddball questions that expose us for the idiots we are. Stairs are a challenge. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Kevin Spacey fucks up bigly. (Since recording, HOC has now halted production) November 1st: be there, or be stuck with whatever health coverage you currently have.  New voicemails prove that regret is a universal feeling. News kicks off with #MuellerMonday and we. are. here for it. Twitter and Facebook announce they'll start labeling political advertisements to help users identify propaganda.  Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle is IN YA NEIGHBORHOOD ONTARIO. GET 'EM THE FUCK OUT. The Confessional comes back with a bang. Heh heh. Recommendations: Bigelow Apple Cider Tea and Until Dawn And in this week's After Dark: Halloween Special: We share more of the scariest, weirdest shit that's happened to us. One guess who's got the most fucked up story.  The Confessional continues with three more crazy ass confessions. Breakups = take your dick with you.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew goes full fuckin fanboi, Laura signs up for NaNoWriMo, and we all warn against the dangers of cucumbers. PSA: FOOD DOES NOT BELONG IN YA SNATCH Surprise, bitch! takes us to the scorching hellfire that is SoCal. The Distraction Game: a new and twisted kind of "leadership." A new study out of Yale uncovers at least one reason why socially conservative people are conservative - and how it's possible to change their minds. Hidden from the Headlines gets real on the largely unreported truck bombing in Mogadishu. This song's for you, ladies. And in this week's edition of After Dark: The Confessional opens a discussion on the unique challenges bisexual folks face. What if you're gay, but don't fit in with gay culture? The question hits close to home as we seek advice from Andrew. We all learn a lot about bears. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Take a step back into time in lovely Pennsylvania, where sewing machines and malt shakes still = viable business model. Oh and btw 3 million Americans in Puerto Rico still don't have power or water.  California goes full Captain Planet on puppy mills. STOP USING ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP YOU'RE LITERALLY DESTROYING MODERN MEDICINE How are JFK and spontaneous human combustion related? Find out live, October 26. "Me too." The merits and the caveats. The Confessional asks us how to deal with racist relatives. Doubly fucked: the family in question has people of color in it. MuggleFuck, A History: available now. In this week's After Dark: Planning for Apocalypse: nuclear war edition 20% joking but 80% DEAD SERIOUS The best countries to run to, the best states to hide out in, and tips for if something goes wrong near you We formulate a plan. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to a special edition of The LANDY Show. Our other two bitches have lives, and we have podcasts, so who’s the real winner? Rape culture is insidious and present at all levels of of culture. WHO KNEW? (Harvey Weinstein sure did.) Every year is en election year and no one wants the hot potato of bump stocks to land in their hands. Nuclear winter is comin’. Ya know nothin’ Don Foe. Since we can’t take care of our own citizens, Elon Musk is coming to the rescue with a proposal to rebuild Puerto Rico’s power grid with solar power. Have we found jobs in our respective fields? Nah fam. Is Jeremy the scientist vaccinated? Stay tuned to find out! And in this week’s edition of After Dark: Friend of the show Sarah shares with us another reason why many Millennials don’t have paying jobs: unpaid internships. Sarah is a baller with a PhD and 5 years experience in the field, and still gets asked to work pro-bono. Young people are expected to live on a shoe string in exchange for experience just to get into college. Was it always like this? What benefits would we require in exchange for working for free? (We’re actually thoughtful and our answers don’t involve “buttsex.”) LANDY have decided a social media break is coming soon. We can’t deal with this shit anymore. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Our hearts ache for Las Vegas right now. And we would send them our thoughts and prayers, but thoughts and prayers are worth approximately nothing. We need gun control. Now. Help us, Justice Kennedy-- you're our only hope. The Supreme Court just heard oral arguments in a historic gerrymandering case and there seems to be room for optimism.  Is it possible for a show to have too many Trump jokes? The return of Will & Grace answers that question. As well as the hopes of dreams of 90s gay kids everywhere. Not even God is awake at 6 AM, but we expect our kids to be. A new study proves early ass school days are bad for teenagers' health. FUCK OFF, CUPID. The segment makes a harrowing return with the help of several crushed dreams. #ForeverAlone  And this week's After Dark is available to ALL Patrons: WTF News edition. Now there's a throwback. "YESSS." German ecstasy pills in the shape of Dear Leader.  Semen-laden flutes.  Cow farts.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew witnesses casual sexism up close and personal in a hotel elevator. Ruh roh. Surprise, bitch! digs into the uncomfortable dynamic between family, politics and Facebook. #triggered  America's predominant religion, football, comes under attack by President Fuckwaffle and we are NOT HAVING IT.  GANDHI WASN'T PROTESTING THE EFFIN FOOD YA'LL Tax reform, schmax reform Twitter announces it's considering changing the very thing that makes it Twitter. Water is wet, the sky is blue, and PUERTO RICANS ARE AMERICANS WTF Hidden from the Headlines: Gill v. Whitford, the upcoming Supreme Court case about gerrymandering, is set to decide the very nature of our democracy.  And in this week's After Dark: A new national poll shows today's teenagers aren't driving, drinking or fucking -- what's going on? What were WE doing at 16?  Spoiler alert: exactly this. Exactly... fucking... this. Our kids are gonna be ballerz. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With two more natural disasters this week, Andrew predicts The Big One is finally upon Los Angeles. West Coast Patrons: Please make sure your credit cards are up to date. Surprise, Bitch: Detroit ain’t so bad after all. A Canadian confesses that she’s jealous of America’s student loan systems. ~You can’t always get what you want…~ In the news: A White House lawyer makes a major mistake, and Toys R Us files for bankruptcy. Plus, there’s a tragic story out of Georgia Tech. In AP Choice we debate what CDs we’d take to a remote island, and offer tips on how to save money. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Introducing... the LANDY Show! Happy birthday to our favorite national tragedy. Where were you when Matt turned 16? Surprise, bitch! Can... can you hear us? We lament the end of the summer and all that makes life worth living. u say wot m8? this iphone is a wot? da fuq u mean there's too Go cut your teeth somewhere else, n00bs. Keep your filthy hands off Star Wars. Chocolate company Mars (M&Ms, Skittles, Twix) is STEPPIN UP to kill the climate change game. Well done. And here's why their involvement matters.  Laura's feeling so fresh and so clean clean. In this week's After Dark: What are Millennials killing? Matt has a... comprehensive list. We don't LIKE this, we just have no other CHOICE.  Long live bar soap.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

-FUCK IT. WE'L DO IT LIVE. But seriously we're doing this live, buckle up. -We've completely revamped our Patreon benefits so that they're simpler, but better, than ever before. Example: personalized, handwritten letters from one of the hosts are coming your way. Check it out at Patreon.com/Millennial -Surprise, bitch...es! -The sky is blue, water is wet, and Russia fucked with our election. -Star Wars director Colin Trevorrow is giving us all anxiety about the future of the saga with his mysterious departure. -President Trump has officially rescinded DACA, the program that allowed undocumented people who were brought here as children to stay. In related news, has anyone seen this country's soul? Anyone? Hello? -Hurricane Irma is on the move, and we take listener feedback from Texans with a bit of knowledge on the subject. -Google That Shit makes a weird but glorious comeback. "Why is Trump's..." And in this week's After Dark: -Micah and The Chair: the Untold Story of the Muggle Who Doesn't Move. -"Thank you soooooooo much!" Laura couldn't be on, so we take turns answering personal questions as though we were her. -Oh, and a bit of actual news: Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos has announced she's rescinding Title IX protections for survivors of campus sexual assault. We ask again: anyone seen our soul??? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's ladies night! And the girls outline a newly-revamped Patreon. MuggleFuck: A History. Coming to a theater near you. Hurricane Harvey breaks records as the largest and most intense hurricane in Texas history. We discuss the ramifications and encourage everyone to donate: The Houston Food Bank  The SPCA of Texas Texas Diaper Bank Who is Sheriff Joe Arpaio? Why did he get a pardon? When will he assume his final form as a factory reject dildo? Fact: if you blame children for the decisions of their parents, you're a self-righteous piece of shit. #DACA On this installment of After Dark: AFTER DARK: GAME OF THRONES EDITION. Spoilers are coming. What the fuck was up with the time travel this season?! WHY IS EVERYONE EXCUSING IT So wights can't swim... except when they can. Dat finale tho...  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

BLIIIIIINDED BY THE LIGHT, wrapped up like a douche you know the rumor is you're tight. (Nailed it.) BANNON. IS. OUT! But T-Swift is about to be back in. Bigly.  Remember that place "Afghanistan"? Where we've been at war for 16 years? Yeah, that's still happening. "War is peace" and "climate change is 'weather extremes'," according to Big Brother. And you love Big Brother.  Disney is divorcing Netflix and, as usual, the kids are the ones who suffer. Surprise, bitch! makes a grand re-entrance to the show as we call not one, not two, but three listeners... all of whom are too mature for their own good. Associate Producer's Choice and Listener Feedback make us think more critically about the removal of confederate statues, and how to handle dating someone who's religious when you're not. In this installment of After Dark: What. The fuck. Was that. Trump's rally in Phoenix, Arizona revealed the most unhinged, incoherent and tone-deaf president in modern times. Explain It Like I'm 5: Laura's new game for us, wherein we're asked to explain shit we don't understand in terms that a five-year-old would.  Andrew understands Game of Thrones better than actual fans.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

"In the end, we will not remember the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." -Martin Luther King Jr. imparted wisdom that still speaks to us today. So let's not stay silent.  Charlottesville, Virginia was a repugnant display of violent racism. We try to break down what happened, why, and what the real takeaways should be.  THERE IS NO "ALL SIDES" HERE. THERE'S THE NAZI SIDE AND THEN THERE'S THE SIDE FIGHTING THEM. FULL STOP. ZERO ROOM FOR NUANCE. GTFO. We want to hear from people of color and Jewish listeners, so we place some calls and get some insightful remarks.  A new round of The Confessional lightens the mood slightly, and Andrew promises to turn over a new leaf.  And in this week's After Dark: David from London writes in with his insight into last week's conversation about women in the tech industry. There's sexism, for sure, but it's often misplaced.  Associate Producer's Choice asks us to conjure Harry Potter-themed pregnancy announcement ideas.  Announcing: a new service that lets you go to the movies an unlimited number of times, for just $10 a month. Cue: AMC having a meltdown.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Who the hell gets married over Facetime? After only dating for 3 weeks? Well, let us tell you. It's the end of the world as we know it, and we feel like it's a good time to cleanse our souls. We discuss rising tensions with North Korea and take a BUNCH of your pre-apocalypse confessions. Say it with me now: FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. FREE SPEECH DOES NOT = CONSEQUENCE-FREE SPEECH. Hawaii becomes the first state to ban texting while... crossing the street? What the fuck kind of micromanaging shit is this? Thanks Obama.  Trump TV: The next spiraling slope down our descent into fascism.  Listener feedback reveals Andrew is not above slutting up our listeners. And in this week's After Dark: Get up close and personal in our private lives, including a new (and relatively major) relationship development.  Pro-tips: do things apart sometimes. Have hobbies and a life outside your partner. Always flush the toilet.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Pay for Bae: how should couples split things like dates and bills? Is it okay for that dynamic to be lopsided? How are trends (and gender norms) affecting this discussion? AP Choice asks us how to start a new podcast. We have literally no good advice. And in this week's (long) After Dark: We air out our guilty pleasures and learn about some… weird ways of making sure you're all clear to poop. AIM is a treasure trove of embarrassing, 10-year-old conversations between the hosts back in their tender teens. We read through some and regret it instantly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey what's going on guys? Anything new? Been a pretty slow news week?  NOT. But first, listener feedback spends some time sucking Laura's dick. Trump announces... via tweet... a ban on transgender troops. #FUCK. #YOU. What's worse: Trump shitting on Sessions, or Sessions gleefully smearing it all over his own face?  "It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right - I hope you had the time of your liiiiiiiife." Goodbye Spicey.  The CDC releases a new study finding that half of all female homicide victims are killed by their partners. The girls, sadly, aren't surprised.  Devil's Advocate begs Spicey to come back. And in this week's After Dark: HOW. DEEP. IS YOUR LOOOOOVE? Trump might take his relationship with Putin to the next level. Andrew dishes the details on Kyle.  A very... personal game of "Never Have I Ever" engenders some raw confessions about phone sex, break ups, SPITTING???, and uncomfortable secrets. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

ANDREW. MEETS. KYLE!!! And the crowd roars. (See photo below) Ten years after the release of Deathly Hallows, Laura reflects on her life choice. Andrew airs those life choices for all to see on Patreon. MySpace struggles with a serious security flaw that lets you log into someone's profile with just their birthday and email address. In related news: the hosts learn MySpace still exists. "If I'd known he wouldn't be a willing pawn in my sham government, I wouldn't have picked him!" said the President of the United States. ALMOST VERBATIM. LIKE REALLY. Obamacare lives... for now. Don't drop your guard. And don't pretend you're never gonna fly United again cause you fuckin will. Hidden from the Headlines: our own imminent death. Surprise, bitch! and AP Choice make comebacks, with a question about the Founding Fathers that was divinely inspired just for one of us. And this week in After Dark: We parse the ramifications of John McCain's cancer diagnosis and pray to all that is holy he'll be all right. Voicemails!!! Ya'll need Jesus. Devil's Advocate takes a swing at Warren Buffett and the abhorrent practice of charitable giving. #BootstrapsNation Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

America is all "ain't no party like a covfefe party cause the covfefe party don't stop" or some shit like that. - The found footage nightmare of our favorite haunted house is coming soon to a Patreon near you. - Donald Trump Jr, the little engine that colluded: when life gives you Russians, rig an election. - Net Neutrality is in danger and why you should care. Tweet @AjitPaiFCC and let the FCC director know you want to stream that Japanese Bukake in HD without being throttled because Pornhub can pay for a faster connection. - A confessional by a millennial about millennials rankles some of the hosts. And in this week's episode of After Dark: - What to do about douchebag relatives? No really, tell us - we're actually asking. - How relatives can put strain on your marriage, and some advice for remaining a unit in the face of familial fuckery. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're live streaming the episode on Patreon! Throughout the episode our supporters chat with us. The next iPhone will be getting rid of the fingerprint scanner. We wonder what this experience will be like for those of us with double or triple chins. The rest of the show is all about the listeners! We do a Surprise Bitch call who's being all Hollywood on us from Pittsburgh. In AP Choice, our listeners ask about feeling confident in yourself and comedy specials. Three confessionals focus on family, virginity, and blowjobs -- three of God's favorite things. That last one brings up a whole fight over condom BJs. Voicemails request our Game of Thrones predictions and ask us to praise Canada in honor of their 150th anniversary. In recommendations, Andrew says to go to the Museum while Laura says to leave State Farm. This week in After Dark we talk about an e-mail from Luke who asks about compulsory voting. Why isn't it a thing in America? Also, what the hell are sausage sizzles? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Patrons are in for some sleepless nights next week. Brace yourselves for a ghost tour. Voicemails makes a triumphant return with a hilarious drunk message for the hosts. "3 kisses are demanded upon entry of the abode, whether morning or night, on pain of death." Relationship contracts are a thing. What would be in ours? "Transparency is that thing that happens when I pee, right? The burning sensation?" -President Trump, who refuses to broadcast any of his press briefings for the first time in (televised) presidential history  Lose/lose: a new study found that pregnant women are judged in the workplace no matter what they do. Working women around the globe feign shock and surprise. Hidden from the Headlines reveals Norway is one bad mothafucka. 73% of Democrats would give up ________ to see Trump impeached tomorrow. Fill in the blank with us on The Number.  And in this week's After Dark: A study reveals Google knows a fuck more about us than we'd even guessed - and Andrew gets real.  Google That Shit tells us more about ourselves than others.  Speaking of Andrew: life update! Find out which city he'll be moving to in a few months and how best to stalk him. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Introducing: #Millennial voicemails. A way for you to harass us and an even better way for us to laugh at you.  Not in my house: liberals get a' talkin' to for some blatant, disturbing hypocrisy that's run roughshod over the Otto Warmbier story.  Justice is an elusive hero, and this week, we question whether it's just that a girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself is found guilty of voluntary manslaughter.  Gun Rights Matter, unless you're black. We lament the tragic outcome in the Philandro Castile case.  Amazon and Whole Foods, sitting in a tree, f-u-c-k-i-n-g.  Patron's Choice topics and a quick game of Who Said It? round out this mess of a show. And in this week's After Dark: It's the economy, stupid: but the economy is changing. For the first time ever, solar jobs outnumber coal jobs in Virginia. Questions to Make You Fall in Love: Part III. The Dark and Dirty. When did you last cry by yourself? What would you regret most if you suddenly died tomorrow? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Breaking personal, family-related news sends the hosts into shock... and pride. The Confessional asks for advice on a Friends With Benefits situation. Step one: don't live with your ex's family. Sometimes we should worry about what's NOT making headlines.  America's Dad is about to have his life shattered and we couldn't be happier.  "Why, this line of questioning is givin' me a case of the vapors!" -Attorney General of the United States Ya done fucked up, poppet: U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May initiates a snap election and nothing goes according to plan. Chip chip.  Surprise, bitch! introduces us to a much cooler Laura.  And in this week's After Dark: 36 Questions That Lead to Love: By Psychologist Buzzfeed We dive into these questions, legit formulated by a popular psychologist, to see whether they can make us like each other. "Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?" delivers.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Women and girls across the globe shout COME AT ME BRO into the night, emboldened by the power and mystique of Wonder Woman.  Associate Producer's Choice - topics submitted by our rockin' sockin' $10 Patrons - gets goofy. #EatEverything "I'm here to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not the citizens of Paris," said a president who REALLY THINKS PARIS CAME UP WITH THE PARIS ACCORD?? REALLY?  But actually. What is the Paris Climate Accord? What did it do, and why did Trumpacolypse withdraw the United States from it? If you're just as infuriated as we are, demand your mayor and governor join wearestillin.com  Bill Maher ain't no Mark Twain. He's just a dick who used the N word. But what should be done about it?  Apple creates a new kind of "Do Not Disturb" mode, presumably for people who like to carry phones but not use them. #wut Hidden from the Headlines: Puerto Rico. And the Founding Fathers spit on us.  In this week's After Dark: COMING SOON: COMEY'S REVENGE. THURSDAY. 9:30 AM. BE THERE, and we'll record and release our reactions to the hearing immediately after.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Happy birthday to our own Founding Father, Andrew Simsjefferson, without whom none of us would be here. (He is our literal dad.) Getting an IUD is like entering the Gates of Hell and your doctor is Lucifer.  We start news off on a serious note, as reports roll in of a terrorist attack in Manchester, UK. Why a concert venue? Why Ariana Grande? Look at these young whippersnappers with their funny clothes and rock music! Hmph.  The Russia investigation heats up and goes full fucking General Hospital on our asses with even more mounting drama. What's the end game here? Hidden from the Headlines: Actual News. New Justice Department policies and White House budget proposals may upend millions of lives, but few people are talking about it.  Surprise, bitch! gets flirty.  In this week's After Dark: The Spin Room: Matt and Andrew put on their best Sean Spicer suit and defend the president.  Thank you for your question.  Can an old tv show make new waves? With the country in chaos, television is quickly becoming everyone's favorite escape. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What's been going on this week, guys? Nothing? Yeah, same here. EXCEPT WHAT THE FUCK. Someone at the FBI leaks a memo former Director James Comey wrote wherein he describes Trump pressuring him to drop his investigation - meanwhile, President Fuhrer tells the Russians ALL KINDS OF CLASSIFIED SHIT Oh and P.S. a special prosecutor has been appointed to take on the Russia-Trump investigation. No big. Does anything else even matter? Yes, as it turns out, because no one can afford homes (or food) anymore. One journalist suggests Millennials cut back on the avocado toast. Mmmkay. Hidden from the Headlines digs into some partisan shenanigans going on in North Carolina.  Surprise, Bitch! gives us blue balls once again. And, oh yeah, we did also talk about Harry Styles and baby gravy at the top. Yes, you read that right.  In this week's After Dark: Why stop at avocado toast? Cut out ALL the fun things! We delve into our own weird habits and guilty pleasures that are keeping us from being homeowners. Listeners chime in.  A small nugget of economic theory is your prize for listening. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew, Laura, and Matt recap their recent adventures: Andy's back on the east coast, Laura is about to own a home, and Matt's saying bye to his parents. All of this is good news, it seems. Andrew extends his in-person interactions with #Millennial listeners to a new level: Dating. Frankly, there's only one news story to discuss this week: Comey. We offer a quick recap of the week and what it means for the future. Is it possible to dislike Comey AND dislike Trump's decision? Yes, absolutely. Come on, crazy Republicans. Family Feud: Trump Adjectives Edition. The Number: What's the age that 20 - 26 year olds think it's lame to move in with your parents? Andrew shudders to read the answer. In Surprise Bitch, Andrew and Laura apologize for ghosting one of our listeners. Laura recommends El Techo in San Francisco's Mission, if any of you want to eat in style. In After Dark, we discuss recent cybersecurity flaws that've wrecked havoc across the globe. What can we do to keep ourselves secure? Or should we just throw our hands up and admit nothing can keep us safe? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Goodbye, Andrew. Hello, Fuher Laura. YOU get manipulated! *YOU* get manipulated! EVERYONE. GETS. MANIPULATED!!! -Oprah if she worked for Facebook.  Why was there a Civil War? What was slavery? Is the sky blue? What's even, like, REAL, man? President Trump asks the tough questions and the lamestream media just doesn't get it. Shutdowns and border walls and bombs, OH MY! A budget deal was struck and Commander Cockwaffle isn't having it. Amazon Echo: For the sadomasochist in all of us. Brought to you by Matt, copyright 2017. And in this week's After Dark: We decide to get more personal than usual (yup, it's possible) and discuss the nitty gritty details of our love lives - with the explicit goal of embarrassing each other in front of our boyfriends. Some of whom are present.  We each describe how our first kisses went down. Surprises abound.  Welcome to Jeopardy, with your host, Awkward Vanna White! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Et tu, Brute? Laura betrays the sisterhood and someone gets salty AF. 13 Reasons Why Not to Watch This Show, and the Unicorn Frapp: a monster of our own design. THERE'S NO WORDS ON IT. FUCKIN THING SUCKS. -Bill O'Reilly, or #Millennial listeners?  Bye boi!  Let's talk about France, baby, let's talk about you and oui. The French presidential election is freaking people the fuck out, and for good reason. What do you want to hear on your death bed? "You are loved"? "Heaven is real"? "Donald Trump's in prison"? Are the last two the same thing? The hosts investigate.  Uber gets a smackdown from Apple and Andrew starts his own religion.    And in After Dark: Hidden From the Headlines: Dow Chemical asks President Thundercunt to ignore a new government study that found Dow's pesticides are fuckin up 1,800 endangered animals. "WHAT WILL DONALD DO?!" wonders nobody.  "Dear Diary, I am about to receive terrible advice. But here's go nothing." We respond to a few listeners' requests for sage life wisdom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to #Millennial where the hosts are all in the midst of quarter life crises. In Hashing It Out: Andrew is picking up and moving across the country. Things he doesn't have space for: standing desks and his dog.  Laura is buying a money pit. Matt is working up the gumption to move across the hall. Andrew's heading to Atlanta as Laura makes a major life step. As for Matt? He just bought a Nintendo Switch. Jesus may have come back on Easter and all, but can't we agree he's just a one-trick pony at this point? Snapchat is doomed, but Instagram stories are here for all of Andrew's sex taping needs! Infowars' resident sociopath and MAGA baseball cap conossieur Alex Jones must admit he's either a playing the role of a neo-Nazi or a shitty dad. (Spoiler: it's both.) United airlines has decided to give peace a chance by softening their ass beating de-boarding policy to simply deny boarding to paying customers in favor of last minute crew bookings. Surprise Bitch leaves the hosts content now that someone finally answered - welcome to the show, Mallory! Since you picked up we won't shit talk you. And in this week's edition of After Dark: We share our most embarrassing sex stories, from losing our virginity all the way to weird dirty talk. Life pro tip: anal and poop go hand in hand. Our listeners outdo us with their sparkly purple dildos, though. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

An update to ButtGate: someone is forced to tell their boyfriend the truth.  "I'm just going to gently spread your labia," said the stranger named Gale. And we let them.  The Confessional asks us about vomit and blowjobs, two themes that go together like Andrew and dentists.  "I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN PASSENGERS ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN PLANE" -United Airlines. Fly the friendly skies.  President Trump (hahaha still soul-crushing to write) launches tomahawk missiles in Syria, attacking the airfields President Assad used to launch last week's chemical attack against his own civilians.  Someone should've bought baby Trump a game of Risk so he could understand that war is a fucking strategic enterprise not a God damned Atlantic City craps table. Happy Passover, Jewish friends! This holiday, kick back and let White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer school you on Holocaust history. #KnowledgeIs(White)Power  Surprise, bitch! continues to be an actual fucking bitch.  In this week's After Dark: Laura's quarter-life crisis continues as she details the many policies that are holding first time home-buyers (such as herself) back.  Andrew is down to clown with the nearest real estate agent willing to waive closing costs.  Life sucks. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The prodigal son returns: welcome back, Matthew. The city of Atlanta has decided to become a literal dumpster fire; meanwhile, the DC dumpster fire rages on as Steve Bannon is yanked from his NSC post - by none other than the Trumpster himself.  Andrew recounts another hang and bang story with some show listeners.  Friends and family members of airline employees strike back with some listener feedback - tl;dr if you’re flying for free, don’t be a dick or dress like a hobo.  In News, we cover a myriad of cheerful tales such as chemical attacks in Syria and the stolen SCOTUS seat and impending filibuster of Neil Gorsuch. Andrew saves us with some tech talk.  Student loan debt holders have 99 problems and they’re all Navient/Fedloan.  Devil’s advocate forces Laura and Matt to defend Pepsi’s latest advertising gaffe. Nothing says “grab a Pepsi” like racial discrimination and police brutality!  Surprise, Bitch! returns. Prepare to be disappointed.  And on this week’s edition of After Dark:  We have a voicemail number specifically for Patrons! Call and tell us to call barf bag of ice.  UN Women and Mexico City Officials have installed “penis seats” on metro cars in an effort to show men what it feels like to get an unwelcome boner rubbed on your ass during your daily commute.  Mens’ reactions range from discomforted chuckles to deep offense, which is a bit of an overreaction - the seats are just paying them a compliment.  Andrew and Matt argue about why movie theater attendance is up. Laura goes catatonic.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

United Airlines: Fly the Unfriendly Skies. Three women - including a 10 year old girl - are kicked off a United flight for wearing leggings. Yes. Seriously. Hidden from the Headlines takes us to Brazil, where we say goodbye to the Amazon rainforest and oxygen more generally. If you want to help the rainforests, donate or get involved here, and/or just succumb to the Whole Foods hipster life. Fuck Off, Cupid introduces us to pickup lines so egregiously bad, we question evolution. In this week's After Dark: Uber, Lyft, GrubHub, OKCupid - the rise of smartphone apps has led to a growing conversation about whether these services are responsible for user safety. Yes, even GrubHub has horror stories. Laura reports. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial comes back from Spring Break with a bang. And a lot of embarrassment for Andrew. Speaking of our star host: 80 years later, Andrew finally went to the dentist. What sordid diseases did they find? Fwd: Andrew likes British penis - the title of an actual email, from an actual listener, who experienced a Close Encounter of the Andrew Kind on Tindr.  Should he have said "hook up"? Beauty and The Beast gets positive reviews, even from folks who didn't care to see it. Will Belle finally address her Stockholm Syndrome? A high school teenager in the Mid-West went viral last week after her school sent her home for exposing her shoulders. The girls get angry.  The Number reveals one of us spends too much money on Pokemon incubators.  And in this week's Special, Forever-Long Edition of After Dark: We make up for our Spring Break stint with a special appearance by Andrew's little brother, Ryan, who reveals precisely how he found out Andrew was gay... years before he officially came out.  Spoiler alert: video footage. #TheresAnAppForThat  Okay guys. Let's dive into TrumpCare. What does the GOP's new healthcare bill actually do, and who would it most directly affect?  A Confessional has us feeling all kinds of Dr. Phil-y as we dissect the complexities of friendship. Thankfully we can offer completely objective advice given we don't have friends.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Rabbit rabbit ya'll! Whatever the fuck that means. Andrew reveals his deep jealousy of the girls' friendship.  We welcome Ian and Zee to the show to discuss last episode's Confessional from a self-described transphobic listener. They open up about their own experiences, common misconceptions, and how we can each help the trans community.  Trump cripples the Clean Water Act, which the whole country relies on for clean drinking water, but ha ha it's okay it's not like we need that to live. #blessed  Do 1st amendment rights apply to robots? They should when they're recording you. Amazon fights to keep Echo users' personal privacy intact from law enforcement.  We're off next week for Spring Break, but don't worry, we're sure nothing big will happen between now and then. ​And in this week's After Dark: ​Laura and Andrew discuss the not-State of the Union address. Shit. Is he learning how to sound presidential?  Healthcare was a prominent topic, as was this VOICE nonsense. We discuss both matters and praise low co-pays. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To anal, or not to anal? What you've all been waiting for: the answers to what happened in Aruba.  Columbia University accepts, then unaccepts, 277 applicants. In related news: 277 teenagers are spared the trauma of attending Columbia.  Should food stamps be used to buy candy and soda? The State of Maine asks, #Millennial (kind of?) answers.  #ItGetsBetter is more than just a catchy phrase: a new study finds that since gay marriage laws were passed, the teen suicide rate has dropped.  Michigan State has 99 problems but a whiteboard ain't one.  Where were you when Sweden was attacked by its immigrant population? We can't remember. Neither can Sweden.  Listener feedback unravels a deep, serious confession from somebody admitting to being transphobic. We welcome the thoughts and experiences of any trans listeners who would like to respond on the next episode.  MAKE THAT DENTIST APPOINTMENT YET ANDREW? And in this week's After Dark: How to Adult 101: Listeners have questions about commuting to work, buying homes, and getting married.  Our advice can be summed up as: don't get married, have a funeral instead, coffins < solo cups, and fuck commutes longer than 10 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

1/4 of our panel is celebrating Valentine's Day in Aruba, so the rest of us are here to talk shit on her. We're not jealous or anything.  The Grammy's were just asking for #GrammysSoWhite to trend, and they lived down to expectations.  Something something 50 shades something Katy Perry.  Laura and Andrew both became single in time for Valentine's Day and have an 85% match on OKC. OTP!  Listener feedback leaves us feeling like we're still too old for that clubbing shit and that sexuality is weird.  Tracking Trump is a our new segment in which we attempt to contain the diatonic new world order to 10 minutes of our show. It still feels like shit, sorry. AP choice asks us to relive our best and worst years, for book recommendations, and our thoughts on Jason Carter using a certain four word expletive on Twitter.  Laura and Matt rock our new favorite game - Who said it - Voldemort or Steve Bannon?  And on this week's edition of After Dark:  Given the extreme weather events we're seeing in Louisiana, Northern California, and the northeastern United States, we want to tell you some sweet cozy stories about times we've nearly died in natural disasters.  All you need to know is that there is a weather phenomena called a "microburst" that will make you want to nope off of this planet.  Our stories of earthquake and tornado survival pale in comparison to one listener's story of surviving an avalanche.  Fuck. That. Shit.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There may be big changes coming for one of us over Valentine's Day. Stay tuned.  Listener feedback takes a dump on Andrew and weaves a tale of panties and bushes.  We guarantee we're the only podcast that will go from anal to the Constitution. #blessed  "Fuck those immigrants, amirite?!" -Native Americans and/or Donald Trump  We discuss Betsy DeVos (Note: This episode was recorded before she was confirmed as Education Secretary). One gay, two gay, three gays, four. Five gays, six gays, seven homos more. A new survey reveals Americans greatly overestimate the size of the LGBTQ community.  Adam Sandler, or a gay club? Matt gives us the name. We guess (badly).  And in this week's After Dark: #NeverForget the Bowling Green Massacre. We each share our stories of where we were on that fateful day.  How, and why, does the Trump administration get away with such outrageous lies? What's their strategy here? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Good News, the Boy Scouts are now cool with transgendered youth joining their organization. Hollywood no longer hates Mel Gibson, which is SAD! Will Facebook's latest News Feed changes have a positive effect on curbing fake news? Our $10 Patron offer a few discussion topics, including feeling useless when you're in a Democratic state like California, and long distance relationships. And this week in After Dark: How do you stay sane during these difficult times? We offer a few solutions, including major social media breaks and escaping to other worlds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

With Andrew missing in action, we decide to display some of our own #alternatefacts. Tourists. Good for the economy. Bad for literally everything else.  Listener Feedback asks for our advice on how to handle Trump-loving relatives and traveling alone. We provide zero insight.  News kicks off with the Women's Marches: a movement, or just a moment? And why liberals can sometimes be their own worst enemy. President Insecurity is determined to make Americans believe he won the popular vote... by upending confidence in our democratic system! Why not! #FuckIt Snapchat is let off the hook after one of its stupid features inspires a stupid woman to drive 100 MPH and cause a major stupid traffic accident.  Devil's Advocate asks us to argue in favor of some of Trump's first Executive Orders. Our souls wither.  And in After Dark: A quick look at how the cabinet is shaping up, but really, not really. This gets weird fast as we decide to take a break from serious news and just shoot the shit. We accept Andrew's firing of us all.  The perfect penis? Pre-sex hygiene habits? Pegging? This After Dark has it all.  Except class. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Note: This episode was recorded before the Presidential Inauguration. The Women's Marches are going to be YUGE. Trump's inauguration probably won't. AP Choice makes a comeback with questions about credit scores on dating sites, how to make a difference in this new political environment, and Lady Gaga. Shocking news out of Massachusetts: ExxonMobil may have been funding climate change denial propaganda for the past 40 years. By shocking we mean not shocking. The Greatest Show on Earth comes to an end - are zoos next? More at 5. Hidden from the Headlines examines why the Florida state legislature is about to make it legal to bring guns to school. Because why not. #TrumpsAmerica This little finger went to the anus. This little finger did too. This third finger joined them - and oh God that's not a finger. Surprise, bitch! gets Andrew way too excited over a listener who works at a marijuana dispensary. And in this week's After Dark: Laura shares her latest horror story from the Tales of Home-Buying. Millennials get shit on from every direction, but we're still expected to live up to past generation's successes. FUCK YOU MOM. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We reminisce on our favorite Obama qualities and the changes he's enacted over the past 8 years. Surprise, bitch! goes terribly awry because of fucking course it does. We welcome Kid Rock to the show. In this week's After Dark: We planned a real conversation, we promise. But some of us just need a dick in the ass first. What's our plan for inauguration day? What do we see going down? The Women's March on Washington next week is expected to have even greater turnout. We sense the mass alignment of menstrual cycles already. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to 2017. Welcome to season 3. Please manage your expectations for both.  Happy New Year, sycophants. Two truths, one lie reveals which of us is the loser that stayed home and got drunk with her dad. Wikishits announces their descent into the 6th Circle of Hell as they plan to release the private information of Twitter users.  U.S. intelligence agencies have definitively concluded that Vladimir Putin ordered an "influence campaign" to sway the U.S. presidential election. "U.S. intelligence agencies clearly part of liberal propaganda wheel," reports Breitbart.  Sucks to suck: Fox News loses Megyn Kelly to MSNBC. "After our deliberate coverup of Roger Aisles' sexual harassment, we are shocked," said no one anywhere.  Hidden from the Headlines ponders what holy angel has gotten into China lately.  The Number reveals none of us know what we're talking about.  Surprise, Bitch! welcomes a traitor to the show. Thanks for nothing, Jim.    In season 3's first installment of After Dark (available to $2+ Patrons!): What constitutes a "hate crime"? A case out of Chicago, wherein four black teenagers live streamed the torture of a white classmate, has the country asking.  New year, new laws: we take a look at the laws going into effect around the country this year, including a tax on sugar and a change in online shopping.  Help us, Ruth Bader Ginsburg. You're our only hope.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In our last show of the year, we streamed LIVE for Patrons and welcomed back a long-lost host. Happy birthday, Laura. We hope this embarrasses you, Laura. News jumps off with a report from Aleppo, Syria, where thousands of unarmed civilians have been slaughtered. Know what it is now, Gary? Biden/Obama 2020: Because Obama's departure feels too real after his last-ever press conference of the year. Get into the holiday spirit with our annual GIFT EXCHANGE!!! Who the fuck got Andrew that?! Farm girls have great calves. #FYI Goodbye, 2016. What will 2017 hold? We guess the new year's upcoming headlines. In this episode's After Dark: We bring Devil's Advocate back and challenge ourselves to argue: why was 2016 the best year? (Lol) World peace. Or world destruction. Our individual hopes for the new year vary. Andrew relives a tragic New Years Eve story. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In our penultimate “fuck this year” episode, all of our hosts return!  Except the other chick “Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games - we got volcanoes exploding.. right in your face.”  The Hamilton Mixtape is now available on Spotify! (Or for purchase if you’re 1000 years old).  The Dakota Access Pipeline (DAPL) has been struck down for now, but what will happen under a Trump Presidency?  Amazon Go is here to scan your phone for all those dick pics. “Put the Magnums down, Jonathan, the Lifestyles are right in front of you.”  Afraid President Pussy Grabber Elect might lose access to his Twitter? Never fear - technology is being expanded so POTUS can use the cellular emergency alert system to let us know what else he thinks is overrated, sad, or bad.  Trump the Distractor: Laura explains why the GOP has warmed to Trump, and why all of his gaffes and faux pas are intended to distract us.  Meanwhile, Senator Turtle McTurtleton of the Galapagos is threatening to scrap the filibuster if Democrats try to obstruct GOP SCOTUS nominations.  Texas is now legally allowed to force aborted fetus burials.  Foreign diplomats are staying at Trump hotels in droves because that’s not a conflict of interest.  Andrew does another check in on the savings habits of millennials and we still don’t have any. Are you gonna eat that ramen? Surprise, Bitch! brings us to the UK, where Phoebe commiserates with three yanks about the bucket of suck that is watching an alt-reich takeover.  Dictionary.com chooses an actual word for this year’s “Word of the Year,” and it’s more evidence that the US needs to take some time to be alone and try to find itself.  And this week’s After Dark is available to all $2 Patrons, so don’t miss out on our discussion of Uncle Joe’s remarks about running for President in 2020!  Would Joe Biden have won against Trump this year?  We invent a series of mostly stupid, somewhat fucked up campaign slogans for Joe.  Asking the important questions: Can he beat Kanye?  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the Andrew and Matt show on this week's #Millennial, so we're doing things a little differently! Thanksgiving, Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Giving Tuesday: We recap these four… uh… holidays. Updates: The New York Times has seen some major growth since the Election, while fake news continues to spin out of control. We share our thoughts on Disney's latest musical, Moana. Did they try to create another Let It Go 'moment'? Andrew thinks so. NASA wants help in making it easier for astronauts to poop. Listeners write in with their questions regarding fandom, heartbreak, Los Angeles, good habits, and holiday traditions. Surprise Bitch: Redemption Edition. One person answers, another doesn't (but we end up speaking to the latter in After Dark!). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Buckle up, minions: we’re so deep in the Dumpster Fire the theme music is no longer audible. What are we thankful for? Nothing (except Bruce Springsteen). Trump was shocked to learn that the leader of the free world tends to live in the nation’s capitol. Alexander Hamilton has a thing about picking fights with Vice Presidents, which is a convenient distraction for the $25 million Trump University settlement. But for real, We talk Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (hint: the West Wing circa 2017) BEWARE: Here there be spoilers! Listener Earnie piques Andrew’s interest in being a cross-contintenal road whore. And on this week’s installment of After Dark: "Hello darkness my old friend,” said the Walmart employee as he ventured into the dimly lit megamart at 3 am for a long day of scanning barcodes and questioning the life choices that led him to this point. Who the fuck goes Black Friday shopping anyway? (hint: Andrew) Can millennials and our lack of disposable income save future generations of retail workers from this most heinous of shopping holidays? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, we’re back from our election trip, and everything is terrible. But we’re kicking this episode off with a soothing meditation session to help you ugly cry those election woes out. Speaking of the election, we’re taking a break from politics this week. Sorry not sorry. We share stories of our adventures in DC, and Laura’s harrowing tale of being bullied by a second grader brings on the feels. Fantastic Beauty and the Beasts starring Hermione Granger coming to a theater near you! New from JKR: Andrew Sims and the Prisoner of Glowing Japanese Toilets. Apart from electing Orange Hitler, the US fails in other ways: tales of sugar addiction and lack of butt hoses (for that nice clean feeling!). Lauren from Dallas actually answered her phone, so we’ll be “surprising” her exclusively from this point forward. And in this week’s After Dark: Call it a Facebook Newsfeed, they said. It won’t negatively impact the election at all, they said. “Hillary Clinton drinks the blood of puppies and bathes in stem-cell baths daily.” We report - you share to your racist cousin’s wall like a fucking idiot. Is this really happening? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We're sad y'all. What does this mean for the future of the country? We offer our early reactions and how to cope with such a devastating vote. In the next episode we'll discuss the GOOD parts of hanging out together! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Halloween was an identity crisis for one of us, who faced the toughest Harry Potter quiz of her life.  We've got 99 problems and Anthony Weiner is literally all of them. Dumpster Fire: The Penultimate Edition questions how one man's dick can exert so much power. Who will take Florida? How many beers will Andrew drink? Will Laura drunkenly hit on strangers at the bar? These and more important election night predictions. Goodbye, Clusterfuck 2016. We hardly knew ye. Standing Rock Sioux protests against an oil pipeline that would run through their sacred land are finally getting more attention. If you want to help: Call North Dakota Governor Jack Dalrymple at 701-328-2200. Tell him to stand with Standing Rock. Sign the White House petition here. Donate to the Standing Rock Sioux tribe to help fund their protest efforts. Perhaps most importantly, call the Army Corps of Engineers and demand that they reverse the permit: 202-761-5903 And in this week's After Dark: We discuss our upcoming election trip; Andrew and Laura confess they're nervous. Are we even prepared for the possibility for a Trump win?  No. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial reporting live from the end of the Republic, with only two more weeks left before the next - and depending on how it goes, maybe the last - presidential election. -Is Wonder Woman an empowering role model for girls worldwide, or just over-sexualized spank bank material for boys? The UN deliberates. Tonight at 9. -AT&T announces it's buying Time Warner for a monumental $85.4 billion. Harry Potter asks if this means he'll get free roaming. -A new installment of Trumpster Fire 2016 comes with a PSA about polling booth selfies, brought to you by: Justin Timberlake - bringing felonies back since 2004. -The Number asks us to guess which state has the highest per capita number of sex toys, and spoiler alert, it's NOT GEORGIA. NICE SLACKING THERE LAURA. -Surprise, bitch! is a massive failure, much like this show. In this week's After Dark: -Halloween is almost here, and we kick it off with another creep ass story from our resident ghost hunter. -Close the portal. -Where should costumes draw the line between fantasy fictional characters, and cultural appropriation? No one knows for sure, but avoiding skin makeup is probably a good fuckin start. -How should we each dress up, and why don't boys' costumes show off their ass cheeks? SEEMS LIKE A DOUBLE STANDARD. Thanks Obama. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the show, Pam! Note: This episode was recorded BEFORE the debate. This week's After Dark will have our thoughts on the third and final brawl! Shit is real now in the fight against ISIS. We discuss the Battle for Mosul. Andrew tries to share some health tips for those in their 20s, but Matt apparently knows them all. The Montreal Protocol just got a lot tougher and COOLER. Canada decides to "Tell America It's Great," and we decide to return the favor. Warning: NSFW ;) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Haiti's death toll from Hurricane Matthew has soared past 900 -- and thousands more are suffering from the rapid spread of cholera. Donate whatever you can spare to Unicef's Haiti mission or Hope for Haiti.  "BREAKING NEWS: DONALD TRUMP SHOCKS WORLD, REVEALS RAMPANT SEXISM" said no one who's watched him speak longer than 10 seconds before today. TapeGate does reveal one new thing, however: Donald Trump isn't just a minsogynst. He's also a sexual assaulter. And he brags about it. These. Aren't. Just. WORDS.   The second presidential debate: where no one won, because we all lost.  Pol Pot. Kim Jung Un. Donald Trump. Which of these is not like the other? (Trick question.) Hidden from the Headlines warns against fear mongering with a new, surprising revelation: the world is actually doing okay. (Mostly.) Surprise, bitch! Have you ever heard of Harry Potter? And in this week's After Dark: Pence/Trump: the new GOP dream, why everyone is advocating for it, and why it won't happen. "Yer a wizard, Thomas." We sort the Founding Fathers - and the presidential candidates - into Hogwarts Houses. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew met Bruce Springsteen and died from exposure. RIP. But he'll be resurrected in time for election night - where we'll all be hanging out in D.C. to watch the results roll in. Think you might want to join? Let us know here. BREAKING NEWS: Using loopholes to avoid paying millions in taxes unironically lauded by campaign whose slogan is "law and order." "How to Win at Debating by Being a Keebler Elf," a novel, by Tim Kaine. Hidden from the Headlines brings us the story of the poor, downtrodden plastic industry, yearning for freedom from France's tyrannical environmental laws. #NotTheOnion Fuck Off, Cupid - and an associated tirade against people who can't handle rejection. And in this week's After Dark: Laura's been vlogging live from her car - what are some of our biggest pet peeves re: rules of the road and terrible drivers? AP Choice investigates. AP Choice also asks us about marriage. Where do we stand on it? Will any of us attain it? Why do listeners email us asking why we aren't already? More at 10. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Americans: You're running out of time to register to vote. Get on that NOW if you haven't already! Shout out to our friend Sarah at the HP-Alliance - their most recent campaign is called Wizard Rock the Vote, and its endeavor is to register new voters and empower people to get out the vote in their own communities. Hit the link above to participate, and enter for a chance to win a Harry Potter book signed by J.K. Rowling! Laura wants us to get our flu shots, while Andrew wants to know what we'd save in a fire. Surprise, Bitch: It's Laura's son! He's drunk, alone, and watching Narcos. Laura wants to give him a lesson in 'playing with his phone' ;) ;) ;) This week, in After Dark… Laura's phone is wet. We discuss business horror stories. Who's screwed us over, and what are we doing about it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The FBI director says it's a good idea to cover up your camera. Pumpkin Spice EVERYTHING is back. And Laura confesses to being a white girl. In Dumpster Fire 2016, we discuss a Bush's vote for Hillary, Trump using charity money to settle legal problems, and the damn birther movement. What do we expect to happen in next week's first Presidential Debate? Surprise, Bitch! It's your lucky day! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some MVP listeners ask Andrew why he thinks "a hole is a hole." Andrew digs his grave deeper.  HAPPY 9/11 MATT!!! The birthday boy reminds us two national tragedies were born that day.  Dumpster Fire 2016: Deplorable Lives Matter. Overheatin' Hillary. Real time election results. The end of our Republic.  We welcome Trump spokeswoman MaryAnne Katherine Kelly Sue to the show.  An American oil company is asking Native American tribes in North Dakota to trust them, seriously, everything will be fine, when has the U.S. ever steered you wrong?  "North Korea is best Korea," civilians said sarcastically. Now they're in internment camps and we're hiding under our desks. It's getting hot in herre. So pay the IRS before they burn the rest of your house down.  And in this week's After Dark: One of the hosts spends 10 consecutive minutes talking about their ass. #ButtPlugGate is revealed.  #Millennial PSA: Vomit is not an aphrodisiac.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew isn't here, so we answer all your burning questions about him.  Warner Bros' legendary failure of the week has us asking: if company slogans were 100% honest, what would they be?  This week in science: antibacterials don't work, and neither do your genes. Why the FDA ruled against antibacterials and why you're probably fat. Tonight at 9. Lions and tigers and zika, oh my! And bees and butterflies and pollinators across 48 contiguous states dying from a new zika-targeted pesticide. Oh... shit.  Don't set cars on fire. Use your feces instead.  And in this week's installment of Dumpster Fire 2016: technology continues to be Hillary Clinton's greatest nemesis, but taco trucks may be her savior.  In this week's After Dark: As aging Millennials, we're starting to get asked a lot about having kids. Why.  How do we want to raise our kids? Why is Laura's daughter named Pedro? An impromptu round of Google that Shit reveals a lot of Americans are losing their children.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Bienvenido a Jacob, nuestro último ganador del Boleto de Oro! We bring a little culture to the show with a story from Mexico.  But we don't steep in our newfound intellectualism for long. Mayo or man juice? Trick question: both. Surprise, bitch! takes us on the road with a traveling listener. Google that Shiiiiiiiit: Sponsored by the End of Human Intellect.  Colin Kaepernick: the new face of terrorism in America.  Donald Trump visits Mexico (we're sorry), Twitter has given up all fucks, and there's a clown stalking children in the woods. Abandon Earth.  And in this week's After Dark:  Laura apologizes for making the AD theme song so much better than the main show's. We do not accept. WHAT IS GOING ON ANTHONY WEINER. Y U DO DIS. No seriously. What the fuck. Slate argues in favor of "ghosting" at parties, and we find out Millennials are destroying the soap industry. No one likes scraping pubes off a bar of Irish Spring.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's Britney, bitch. Burning to ashes in this week's Dumpster Fire: the GOP-black community relationship. Then again, what do they have to lose? Clinton's hashtag!emails are back in the news cycle with more expected to be leaked just in time for election day.  Hidden from the Headlines: Nestle's continued courting of the Satan vote, and an Obamacare problem without a clear solution in sight. But wait, there's more! If you order your news right now, you'll get a free:  1) Ryan Lochte scandal - brought to you by Speedo  2) Gawker debate - brought to you by questionable journalistic standards  3) Justice Department memo - sponsored by the tears of private prison executives  4) And more! Surprise, biiiiiiiitch.  And in this installment of After Dark: "Let's play a game." -Jigsaw/Matt  Who said it? Trump, or Mussolini? Trick question: Kanye West. We call listeners and see if they can tell the difference.  "Democracy is beautiful in theory; in practice it is a fallacy. You in America will see that some day." Too real, bro. #Mussolini Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Golden ticket winner Claire toughs out a packed show about Trump's downward spiral. But first: Bucket Lists: what's on ours, and why do they all entail the same thing. Trumpster Fire 2016: further and further down the rabbit hole we go. The Donald doubles down on his "Obama is the founder of ISIS" remarks, then claims sarcasm, then says he wasn't being sarcastic.  Some people are saying he's become psychologically unhinged. We're not saying that, but some people are.  An ideological screening test for immigrants - coming to an authoritarian regime near you! Hidden from the Headlines asks why the recent shooting in Milwaukee has fallen of the media's radar so fast. The Number. Sponsored by generational poverty.  And this week's After Dark is ratchet AF: Fuck Off, Cupid! features our latest gems from the online dating world.  We read another part of Andrew's now-famous Scorpius/Albus Severus fan fiction... some of us in front of our parents.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Golden ticket winner #2 hails from Australia and brings her pet wallaby onto the show! Not really, but you fucking believed it for a second.  Team USA is dominating the Olympics right now, so when the GOP completes our country's transformation into a fascist hellscape, maybe Brazil will take us. A new report says Millennials are having less sex than any other generation of the past 60 years. In related news, a newer report says #Millennials have offered up their services for the greater good.  What's a podcast without a little emotional whiplash? AP Choice takes us from fun to tragic in 5 seconds flat. Dumpster Fire 2016 has some bad news for the country's resident demagogue, but also WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is this about assassination rhetoric? How can we become complacent to this? No kidding guys, normalizing implications of violence is how despots begin removing their political foes from power. Jenna takes us down under and quizzes us on everything Australia. We know enough to know we'll never visit without a suitcase full of anti-venom.  And in this week's After Dark: "Many people are saying..." is how Trump has been getting away with outlandish statements. So we cultivate a few of our own, and Andrew asks us to defend them.  Two Truths, One Lie: Aussie Edition.  We learn that Aussies wear thongs all year round. Even the men. Sisqo would be proud.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​This week's episode welcomes guest host Zach to the program, because Zach was unlucky enough to win a Golden Ticket from our t-shirt sales. Sorry Zach. Andrew realizes the fate of his sister's marriage is in his hands. Surprise, Bitch! takes us to Portugal, a country wisely deciding to avoid Trump over-saturation. But we're not. Dumpster Fire 2016 covers the final convention controversies and looks ahead to the campaigns' general election strategies. With primary season over, will Trump change course? Will we see a more presidential candidate? Do pigs fly? YOU get an anxiety disorder! YOU get clinical depression! WE ALL. GET. A PROBLEM!!! Mental health issues are surprisingly common and shouldn't be taboo or embarrassing. Zach leads the conversation with beautiful candor and a killer accent. Which organization's donation average is $69? Find out why it's not fucking us on "The Number." And in this week's rousing installment of After Dark: With the Cursed Child play officially in bookstores, Andrew introduces us to the new world of Albus Severus/Scorpius fan fiction. No foreplay. He just makes us dive right in. You might say he inserted it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​This week's episode of #Millennial will just be Michelle Obama's DNC speech on an eternal loop. Thank you and goodnight. Harry Potter and the Cursed Fan Fiction comes out this weekend - only one of us defends its honor.​ Dumpster Fire 2016 takes aim at the DNC: Tim Kaine is a bowl of warm grains, but he's cute, so fuck it. In more important news: San Diego Comic Con revealed some cool new info and the first superhero trailer worth a damn. Hidden from the Headlines gets real about climate change destroying the oceans and how we should all enjoy our sushi while we can. Surprise, bitch! Goodbye, bitch! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode brought to you by Monday Afternoon: a great time to record if you want to make your convention coverage as dated as possible. ​The night is always darkest before the dawn, and this week, "the dawn" is Roger Ailes ​getting thrown out of Fox News. AP Choice and listener feedback asks us about dealing with ignorant family members, the new gay Bachelor, and more. ​A failed military coup in Turkey initiates a massive despotic crackdown by President Erdogan, and we bring on a Turkish native to give us his POV. How much is your butthole worth? Andrew's boyfriend is ready to pimp out our favorite host on a new escort service disguised as dating app. Devil's Advocate asks whether the RNC should walk the walk by allowing open carry at this week's convention. Speaking of the convention: our new election coverage segment, Dumpster Fire 2016, discusses Trump's VP announcement and puts in a call to Mike Pence's press secretary.  ​ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Bitch we're back. By popular demand. Brave new world: a lot has changed in two short weeks and we're still working to process it. Dumpster Fire 2016 is upon us, and #Millennial has some live Google hangouts planned for the upcoming conventions. All bones matter. But when you need a doctor, it's because one of them is fucking broken and requires additional attention. How difficult of a concept is this? We discuss the horrific murder of several black men, as well as the tragic murders of five cops in downtown Dallas, welcoming people of color to the show to speak on the matter. Goodbye, job. Goodbye, friends. Today we pledge our lives and livelihoods to Pokemon Go, God of Smartphone Apps. George Takei has a problem with new!Sulu being gay, which is weird, because George Takei is kind of gay himself. Do you even #pride bro? And this week's After Dark might be our funniest installment yet. Douchecanoes of the Internet, starring: Mischa Barton being tone deaf as fuck; A former podcaster endorsing violence; And creepy ass fundamentalist Christian Jennifer Mayers spying on her kids' vaginas. Culminating with a phone call to said psycho, wherein we interview Mayers about ham sandwiches and the antichrist. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's our last show before a two week summer break, so eat it up sycophants.  Andrew is, officially, an Uber driver. Welcome to the jungle.  The Department of Justice is editing the Orlando shooter's 911 transcripts -- is this what everyone means by "PC culture"? "Here's a novel idea," they said. "Let's do nothing," they said. The Senate votes down all four gun control bills.  A new era of Trump? Campaign manager Corey Lewandowski gets fired and The Donald embarks on a scapegoat tour of the U.S. Britain, you already lost the American colonies. Don't also lose your marbles. We explain "Brexit" and why it's the worst idea since Yorktown.  Welcome, redcoat! Laura from Englandtown joins us for a jolly good spot of tea.  Fuck Off, Cupid features new dramatic readings and grave concern over OKCupid's matching methods.  And in this week's After Dark: You have been granted the opportunity to send a birthday gift to your 16-year-old self. What would you give them?  We answer for ourselves, and for each other. Someone needs the gift of adult supervision.  Associate Producers' Choice asks us about wrestling and we meander down a twisted road toward gay stuff.  We're also asked about celebrities running for office and offer up one of our own.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

A major tragedy in the United States calls for a special episode of #Millennial. We discuss the horrific Orlando shooting in-depth. The facts as we know them so far. What issues were at play? And what aspects are standing out this time? Connections to politics: The GOP blocked a bill in December that could’ve prevented this from occurring. We listen to a town hall from a couple of weeks ago in which Obama predicted that something like this would happen. Eerie. Given the gravity of the situation, we speak to a few of our LGBTQ listeners to get their feelings on what happened, and how they’ve responded to the tragedy. Thank you to Mark, Sarah, Jerry, Haley, and Nancy for speaking with us. We turn back to Obama to give us a laugh as he slow jams the news on Jimmy Fallon. - Andrew was in London last week for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, so we discuss the J.K. Rowling’s eighth story. Warning: MAJOR spoilers during this part of the show. Don’t listen to this part of the show if you don’t want to be spoiled! We offer a spoiler warning before we get into the juicy details. This week in After Dark we play a spin on “The Number” and discuss whether or not authors should let go of staying in their fictional worlds. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Andrew survives his flight across the Atlantic, eliminating any hopes we had of being on CNN. ​Primary season sings its swan song as California and five other states go to the ballot box. If I call Laura an ill-begotten slag, is that hate speech, or historical fact? Facebook, Twitter, Microsoft and others implement a new content policy in Europe and we straddle the fence between "okay sure" and "okay... no."  BREAKING: Great swimmers everywhere exonerated of moral responsibility. Talented writers now free to commit acts of treason. In related news, the Stanford rape case is serving as a grotesque but important flashpoint for rape culture.  FBI Director James Comey asks Congress for help spying on American citizens' internet history without a warrant. That's not how this "legal system" thing works, Director Despot.  If your senator sits on either the Senate Judiciary Committee or Senate Intelligence Committee, call or email them -- tell them your porn preferences are yours and yours alone. Devil's Advocate puts Laura in a super awkward position.  And in this week's After Dark: We plan our election season coverage, including a new segment idea and the possibility of a live in-person show in Washington, D.C. We pack a Trump survival kit and decide we're giving it away to a listener. Surprise, bitch! I mean Secretary Clinton. Sorry. Do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Trash ass alcohol. Melancholy music. Gays. Welcome, summer. ​Two new confessions ask for our advice about coming out of the closet and online dating, and we handle the quandaries with the grace of a lemming. This week in uplifting news: Johnny Depp turns out to be an asshole and the Catholic Church turns out to still have some assholes. No NSA? No problem. For a couple million dollars, you too can spy on your citizens! New York City is officially recognizing 31 different genders and it means… well, nothing for us. But potential acceptance for others. A new segment examines a day in the life of social media and rewrites these platforms' Terms of Service. Our Surprise, Bitch! guest realizes she's super qualified for a 19-year-old. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Celebrate Andrew's birthday with us and a Dunkin Donuts near you. Golden Ticket winners won't get a lifetime supply of chocolate, but they will get a lifetime supply of embarrassment. News summons the spirit of Alex Trebek in a Jeopardy-style rundown of whatever the fuck is even going on anymore. One country fires half its police force for corruption, while another country just straight up catches on fire. Guess why. "How do you fight a franchise that owns a day of the week?" -Will Smith/Aristotle, probably. The only tale older than time is that of Andrew and Matt being categorically wrong about cinema. Sorry we don't want to watch Hermione Granger sing to a set of teaspoons for 2 hours. Fuck Off, Cupid returns with three new dramatic readings and a ton of questions about why, merciful Lord, tell us why. AP Choices wrap the show and we all leave pissed at each other over a Disney debate.  In this week's After Dark:  Fuck Off, Cupid gets extended into a game. We all answer the matchmaking questions from OKCupid and wager a bet.  Andrew reads us his profile. Laura messages an idiot. Old Beauty and the Beast wounds are healed. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If a host turns her hair green, but no one sees it, does it still make a sound? A new oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico is trashing shit up -- and no one even knew it was happening until a random helicopter pilot was like, oh look, a rotting ecosystem. Flying is officially not the safest way to travel, because even if the plane makes it, the stress of it all will fucking end your life. President Obama went Super Saiyan on labor law this week, mandating that salaried employees making less than $47k be eligible for overtime pay. "No bueno." -Retailers Everywhere France's lower parliamentary house gets real on work-life balance laws, but we aren't quite buying their communist agenda. Congratulations to Thomas Manning of Halifax, Massachusetts on his new penis. Reports are mixed as to whether it will be detachable. Matt investigates. Tonight at 9. A round of No Context and Surprise, Bitch! introduces us to Erin, dear Erin, who deserves a Medal of Honor for her valor in the face of so much dick. And in this week's After Dark: Listeners stick it to us with a horde of both thought provoking and Rated-R questions in an Ask Me Anything-style segment. "Where's the strangest place you've had sex?" asked the listener who now has an answer she really didn't need in her life. "What's the sickest you've ever been?" asked someone else who also, now, regrets their choices. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Performers who don't show up on time SUCK.  Obama hates how the media is covering Trump, but loves bison. The Political Minute: Goodbye Kasich, hello President Trump. Goodbye endorsements from past Presidents, hello Nickelback. Facebook has supposedly avoided putting conservative topics in its Trends section. Is this a problem? And why do government officials care? California has raised the age at which you are allowed to purchase cigarettes. Will this help stop the kids from starting to smoke? The Number: You spend 50 minutes a day doing THIS. Our Surprise Bitch victim will be starring in the new Finding Nemo sequel next month. Our AP Choice is about protests: Are they worth attending? Laura shares her experiences attending protests. And this week, in After Dark… Pizza, pizza, PIZZA! In this unique installment of After Dark, we spend nearly 25 minutes talking about everything pizza. What are our earliest memories of pizza? What could we do with pizza in the bedroom? At the end of After Dark we prank call the Papa Johns feedback hotline and complain about a particularly nasty pie we received. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Podcast Where It Happens celebrates Hamilton's slew of Tony nominations! Too bad we'll never see it live. Andrew plugs the new Hypable, but if you're like Micah you won't be visiting it. We offer a few dramatic readings from Fuck Off, Cupid, and discuss what the hell it means when someone describes themselves as a Nice Guy. The news portion of the show is politics-heavy, and as we record we learn that Ted Cruz has dropped out of the race. Trump is now the presumptive nominee. God help us. (Note: This episode was recorded before John Kasich dropped out on Wednesday.) Should Bernie step out of the way now that the Republican side of the Presidential election has been decided? To lighten the mood we play some highlights from Obama's White House Correspondents' Dinner speech. Damn, can this guy get a job as a stand up comedian after his term ends? The trailer for the new Ghostbusters movie is one of the most disliked videos in YouTube history. Gee, I wonder why? We play "The Number" and "Game of Moans" -- the latter is a fun new game from Matt! And this week, in After Dark... It's Teacher Appreciation Week! Each of us discusses one (or a few) of the teachers who've impacted our lives.  Spoiler alert! We go in-depth on Game of Thrones, the Jon Snow twist, and what we hope to see in the future. Game of Thrones newb Andrew raves about The Wall. According to Laura, raves happen there. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Stop doing things, people. We can't keep up with all this shit. Harriet Tubman was a baller way before she was a $20. "Can you move to the right a bit, I need a clear shot of this for my blog." -Andrew, having a threesome with his new Uber passengers. Beyonce will be on the $10 someday if she keeps this up. Lemonade resonated even with those of us who aren't part of the Beyhive. Hidden from the Headlines reveals that, sometimes, the disadvantaged are targeted by the powerful specifically because they're disadvantaged. And round and round we go.  And in this week's After Dark: Depressing but hopeful stories abound as we tackle the issue of quarter-life crises. Quarter-life crises are historically known to result in launching podcasts. Why has depression skyrocketed for 20-somethings? Why are our listeners so much stronger than we are? What is Matt even trying to say here? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew returns from last week's stint in prison to find his world has collapsed. "I've got transparent pandering in my bag. Swag." -Hillary Clinton News kicks off with a brand new study that reveals either we're all morons, or the study's authors are. New legislation in Congress would permit 9/11 victims' families to sue Saudi Arabia for their role in funding the terrorist attacks. In related news, submissions now open for our #sueme photoshop challenge. Bruce Springsteen and other A-List artists take North Carolina to school, protesting the new anti-LGBTQ law through the power of song and dance. Or lack thereof. Inky the octopus chooses liberty over safety in this year's new Pixar flick, "Get Me the Fuck Out of Here." Rated G. A new segment called "The Number" tests our knowledge of the Millennial generation and unearths precisely how below fucking average the four of us are. Surprise, bitch! introduces us to Megan, the perfectly kind music teacher from Pennsylvania who absolutely did not deserve to be harassed by Matt for 10 minutes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Fuck Off, Cupid: introducing a new segment for singles, by singles. Best and worst experiences, lessons learned, and real online dating interactions -- submitted by you, dramatically read by us. Visit fuckoffcupid.com to get in on the action. Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? It's somewhere in Afghanistan.  Let's play No Context, they said. It'll be fun, they said. And in this week's After Dark: We expand on our online dating discussion and dive into just… regular dating. It isn't much better. Why is dating even important, developmentally? Have we learned things from it? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew talks about visiting the Grand Canyon and throws this show off the rails 3 minutes in.  Hidden from the Headlines gets our heads out of the U.S.'s ass and into a complicated international conflict. Look at us being all worldly and shit. "To sex, or not to sex?" -Hamlet or something, and also this one listener who wrote in. What if elected officials had to wear jackets with the logos of their top ten donors sewn all over it? Well, lube up, California. This could hurt. The regularly scheduled shitshow that is Washington, D.C. would lose its charm without another scandal, and luckily, Laura brings us the details. Sorry not sorry, Ted. Ruth Bader Ginsberg: great Justice, or the greatest Justice? Trick question. Both.  A rousing game of Two Truths One Lie reveals SOME OF US ARE MONSTERS and others piss on snakes.  This is a sophisticated show, okay.  Wait, But Why? commands you to cut your hearts out, literally, if at all possible. Less than 1/3 of Americans are registered organ donors in the event of death, and let's be clear, people need your kidneys a lot more than the dirt does. And in this week's After Dark: The Panama Papers -- what the actual fuck, though. What are they and why do they matter? What's the difference between a leak of this nature, and a leak akin to the D.C. Madam story?  The ethics of data leaks and whistleblowing. Are we holding politicians to a higher standard, or ourselves to a lower one?   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back, sycophants. • We’re joined this week by comedian Liz Magee for our first “Ask Me Anything” style interview! Check her out on Twitter: @JokesMagee • Our LOTR movie commentary is coming on April 11th. The eagles are coming! • Quickfire News takes us to Chuck Grassley’s secret Q&A events and Ted Cruz’s deviant fantasies. Spoiler alert: You don’t want to participate in either of these things. • The FBI managed to unlock the San Bernardino shooter’s phone on its own. Everyone tweet “@FBI please clap.” Tag us. • Liz Magee describes in vivid, burning detail the struggles of being prone to UTI’s. • What do you do when you have 15 minutes of airtime to fill, and only 5 minutes of dick jokes? • We learn a little bit about what it’s like to be one of the few women in stand-up comedy. Don’t worry - it’s just like being a woman in any male dominated field! • The world is shocked to know that women like to laugh! Shocked we tell you! • No Context is brought to you this week by ‘Matt can’t follow directions.’ In this week’s installment of After Dark, we introduce Liz to Devil’s Advocate and have a discussion on the broke millennial experience. • Stop telling us when our balances fall below $25. We’re acutely fucking aware. • We share some of the most bizarre jobs we’ve taken to help pay the rent. One of them involves a cat named “Apache.” • Somehow this turns into a discussion about how we can make bank producing dinosaur porn? What? • We don’t even know how we got here. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We begin with a message about recent, horrific attacks around the world. Andrew has an issue with his upstairs neighbors he needs help on. This is war. In Quickfire News, we tackle an update on the new $10 bill, Twitter controversies, Georgia’s Religious Freedom Bill, SeaWorld, and Obama’s busy week between Cuba and Merrick Garland. In our Confessional we address living at home with your parents and a transitioning listener who’s had to deal with PC culture at a new extreme. This week’s AP Choice is from Anne, who wants to know what to do about her boyfriend’s annoying friend. Surprise, Bitch! We’re live from Cuba! Batman v Superman hits theaters this weekend and.. it’s not good, according to critics. In this week’s After Dark we continue our discussion on PC culture. How often does bullying occur inside the progressive movement? Will everyone be able to agree on trigger warnings? How can institutions better handle issues of social justice? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What does a year in space do to your body, besides deprive it of sex? Astronaut Scott Kelly holds the answers. Listener Feedback is best described as, "You're all idiots," but we know that, so at least there's common ground. This week's installment of Hidden from the Headlines is brought to you by Fuck You, Pakistan, and whatever shit bigoted horse you rode in on. News this week kicks off by asking listeners to imagine spending $50 for a movie, if you get to watch it in your pajamas. (Can't you do that anyway if you just stop giving a shit?) Trump and Hillary make front pages again, as the GOP front runner sees mass violence break out at his rallies and the Democratic contender says something dumb about the Reagans. How much food do you throw out each day? Chances are, enough to feed someone else. That's why Tesco will begin donating all their unsold food to charity next year. Get your shit together, Whole Foods. No Context puts us all on the hot seat this week, and Aussie listener Greg gets his turn in the spotlight. WE KNOW YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO US AUSSIES. GTFO. And in this week's After Dark: Let's circle back around to our listener feedback and the growing PC culture debate. Because we haven't quite pissed off all of you yet. Personal stories of run-ins with extreme Social Justice Warriors abound. Where do we think the movement is valid, and where is it going too far? What even is a "safe space" and why is Andrew so God damned wise about them? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Our assholes are lubed up for your furious emails. But first: check out our band new #Millennial t-shirts, brought to you by the letter "p" -- please clap.   All shirts are $20 and come with one free month of Patreon! Existing Patrons get a sweet little bonus too. Pucker up.    As for this week's episode: Let's dispel this myth that Facebook friends don't know what they're doing. They know exactly what they're doing. And they need to fucking stop. ​Hidden from the Headlines takes us to a distant land where being gay-- or reincarnated-- is banned from television and all movies are cut down to approximately 5 seconds.  A new SCOTUS ruling decides to treat gay couples like real people, JP Morgan tells fossil fuels where they can stick it, we all contemplate moving to Canada, and J.K. Rowling comes under fire for appropriating Native American culture. All in this installment of Quickfire News. Embark with us on a main discussion about generational shifts toward liberalism. How will the next lineup of crotch dropplings be even more socially progressive? How will we cope with their superiority? Can you speak up? Get off my lawn.   Surprise, bitch! welcomes a voicemail box to the show.  And in this week's After Dark: On a scale of 1 to Literally Everyone, how many people would have watched Fox's proposed Trump v. Sanders debate?  Another main discussion pulls open our financial wounds and peers inside. Is it true what they say about Millennials' dire financial state? What is this new hipster word "savings"? Watch the whole show unravel into a slew of personal tales about Laura's drinking habits, which can summarized only as "majestic."   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back this week with a SUPER packed election episode. But first, Chris Rock took on the Academy for #OscarsSoWhite. Leo finally won an Oscar though, so… #progress? The #Millennial Confessional brings some exciting news, as well as questions about striking a work/life balance. The shocking results from Super Tuesday states reveal PR team telling us that the only person shocked by results is Marco Rubio, who is currently experiencing software difficulties and needs a reboot. BRB. What are the chances of a Sanders nomination? Improbable, but not impossible. This just in: Trump is no longer a joke. Stop laughing. No. Really… Stop. Chris Christie and the Republican Party Schism. No Context requires us to make Super Tuesday connections to songs about work and funerals. What? Hidden from the Headlines takes us to the Matrix.  In this week’s installment of After Dark: Will it ever be “cool” to act presidential again, or are we doomed to a century of racist sociopaths with bad combovers and multiple bankruptcies? Move over ISIL, Emoji terrorism has come to America. The hosts prove they can’t even effectively hit on hotties on social media. Andrew sends a dick pic to Laura. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If it looks like an asshole and talks like an asshole, it's probably Sony. #FreeKesha gains some much-needed momentum as the embattled singer struggles to ditch a binding contract with her alleged rapist. Apple takes on the FBI in an epic David and Goliath showdown over privacy and business rights. A very special Photoshop challenge is issued. Sea levels are rising faster than previously believed, but the real challenge is convincing people that's even true. Hashtag SCIENCE, BITCH. More tragic gun violence to really put the shine on your day! Innocent bystanders in Kalamazoo, Michigan paid the price this week for our rampant obsession with guns. New Words: brought to you by the letter "A" for Andrew. Or anus. We prove we're down with the kids by guessing what all these new hip words mean. Shit is on fleek. Or something. Surprise, bitch! exposes one listener's chronic meth addiction.  In this week's installment of After Dark: TRIGGER WARNING. We discuss the struggle of quarter-life crises and how common it is to still not have any fucking clue at 28. What if your career sucks? (It does.) What if you just want to travel forever? (You do.) It all turns very weird and personal, and we're too lazy to edit it out. Enjoy. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back, sycophants, and enjoy this week's dose of gluten-free headlines. Associate Producer's Choice wants to know in what ways is the U.S. worse off because of Obama, or in spite of him. THE 8TH HARRY POTTER BOOK GUYS!!! IT'S HAPPENING!!! Except not because it's a fucking script adapted by someone not named J.K. Rowling. But fine, we're still excited. The elephant in the room comes out. In fact, we dress it up and give it a name: Antonin Scalia. How will Scalia's death impact upcoming Supreme Court decisions, the election, and Mitch McConnell's credibility? Trick question. Mitch McConnell has no credibility. Devil's Advocate asks us to argue against better sense and judgment by putting ourselves in the shoes of our beloved Senate Majority Leader. Surprise, bitch! takes us to Nebraska, where Lily speaks on behalf of the whitest state in the union. And this week on After Dark: In this special installment, we bring on three Patrons who add their own opinions to our conversation about the generational divide. Thank you to Brittany, Jeremy, and Linnea for joining us! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Episode 5 starts by revealing episode 4's secrets, ideas for Valentine's Day, and thoughts on the Super Bowl non-controversy controversy. ​News kicks off with questioning… the news. What makes New Hampshire's primary important? Is it worth the media circus? Why is it so God damned white? ​We sum up Twitter's new changes in 140 characters or less: dumb. Thanks to the Supreme Court, we can't have nice things. Like cleaner energy. Or climate change policy. Or the fucking rule of law. Hidden from the Headlines throws some much-deserved shade at President Obama, the fallen king of (certain) civil liberties. ​Valentine's Day Special: the hosts bring on their boyfriends for The Newlywed Game, wherein we learn some strange things about each other and our taste in men. No, we don't know why we agreed to this. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew humbles himself before God and man over last week's poor audio quality. We forgive you, Andrew, but Jesus doesn't. "Freedom" is spelled c-a-u-c-u-s if you're an Iowan or clinically insane person. We jump right into the goods with an overview of why, God, why do we do this to ourselves? How did we get here. Why don't we have nice things. The Iowa results, why they're pretty over-hyped, and our thoughts on what's coming up next in this circus of an election year. An AP Choice-Palooza brings up several new ideas for "Wait But Why?", questions whether we'd have sex with our clones (?!), and asks how the fuck we can make election day a national holiday. (Answer: Assert dominance. Stop showing up to work.) Hidden from the Headlines: Fake Out Edition gets nice and weird, with two real stories and one fake one. Listen closely and guess which lying piece of shit is the intruder. Surprise, BITCH! finally brings us Tiara after 493 unsuccessful calls. Thanks for being a team player, Tiara. And in this week's After Dark (now available to all $2/month Patrons): A new app promises to be the OKCupid of platonic relationships. Would we use this? Why don't we have any friends? Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult? How are long-distance friendships different (and often more real) than traditional ones? We share our personal stories and tribulations, most notably about each other, and Andrew reveals he doesn't like us that much. Fuck you Andrew. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Note: There is an issue with Andrew's voice on this recording that we were unable to correct. We apologize for the issue and promise it won't happen again! Andrew was almost murdered by a serial killer last week, so this episode is brought to you by paranoia: saving your life, one gut instinct at a time. Divinely inspired during his near-death experience, Andrew introduces a new game designed specifically to make the other hosts cringe. Sarah Palin is bringing stupid back with her formal endorsement of Potato Face, and we're all mystified as to how the GOP let it get to this point. Associate Producer's Choice asks us: is the world really doomed? Or are we just cynics? The answer is yes. News tells the prophecy of a world engulfed in flame and shadow, so yeah I guess we all gonna die. If you care about your sushi (or your oceans), you'll start demanding hunting moratoriums on local fish populations cause they're dying too. Look, it's a party. I have no friends. You have no friends. And Facebook deceives us both. A new study shows there is zero correlation between social media friends and actual friends, yet we're all still about those filtered food pics. Taking on the sexy, compelling stories the lamestream media won't, we parse two Hidden from the Headlines gems sure to throw your inner outrage into high gear. Surprise, bitch! welcomes Summer and her apparent sexual fetish for cracklin. What... whatever that is? And in this installment of After Dark: Sarah Palin's dumpy ass endorsement of Trump deserves a few extra minutes, God damn it. Resident drug addict Laura Tee initiates a series of stories about getting high, watching each other get high, and whether that was actually Jupiter in our friend's oven.  "Just say no. Unless it's a hit of acid. Then say, 'okay but only once.'" -Andrew Sims   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Andrew is gearing up for an awful storm in New York. Alan Rickman has passed away. It makes us wonder: How many people are hiding their cancer? And why? ­The Iowa caucus is getting close! We look at the frontrunners (lolTrump) and a Sarah Palin endorsement. “Wait, what’s a caucus?” asks Denmark resident Selina. ­Listen feedback addresses uncut dicks and Natalie Cole (— sorry that these two had to share a sentence). ­Who’s the one person we absolutely dread dying? And what the hell will happen when Harry Potter author J.K. Rowling dies? The Guest Game: How will Selina respond to out of context, inside jokes about #Millennial? Flint, Michigan’s water situation is seriously awful. How could this happen in America? Did You Know? Wait… But Why? returns, and we all feel passionate about the issue of animal cruelty. Laura announces the #Millennial Book Club! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Season 2 of #Millennial has arrived! The four hosts survived their New Years celebrations (thanks in part to staying home), and one of us became a mage. What’s a mage? Speaking of partying, someone in this episode is secretly drinking. Who is it? Take a guess and we’ll share the answer on 2x02. The new year ushers in big new changes for our Patreon. New benefits and milestones are now available for those who pledge $2/month, and we’re now working towards BIG changes for our flagship Patreon feature, After Dark. Lean more by clicking here. The new year has also ushered in new laws across America. We discuss a few of them, including an official state pie for Illinois! New game: Wait But Why? In the premiere installment, we discuss circumcision. WHY?! Quickfire News touches on Al Qaeda’s Oregon affiliate, David Bowie, China’s animal-cloning factory, and (sigh) Kim Davis. Obama got hard on gun control over our break, and we’re getting hard in return. New game: #Millennial for America. Laura and Matt are the first contestants! And this week, on After Dark: Political updates: State of the Union predictions (we recorded just before the speech) and Hillary losing her lead to Bernie. Hidden from the Headlines: Microsoft has announced it will begin warning e-mail users of suspected hacking by government agencies. But will they really? Making a Murderer: The world’s new obsession. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's the end of the year and the end of our first season -- so it's time to celebrate!  The hosts all have drinks to enjoy… but some couldn't resist starting to drink before we hopped onto Google Hangouts. Uh oh. Star Wars: The Force Awakens has arrived, and for the most part, we love it. Don't worry, we don't share any spoilers. What are we up to this holiday break? It's time to open our Secret Santa gifts! News: The Harry Potter stage play has cast a black Hermione, and healthcare costs are on the rise. Since we're doing the show live on Google Hangsouts, we welcome listeners to the show! Y'all are fun to talk to. We round out the show with a few games: Devil's Advocate (in which we critique #Millennial!), Google That Shit: Holiday Edition, and Who Said It? Thank you ALL for a wonderful first year! We'll be back on January 13 with our season 2 premiere! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN DUUUUUN DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUN!!! If you knew that was the Star Wars theme song, congratulations on reaching Level 10 Master Nerd status. Seriously, we're PUMPED to be visiting a galaxy far, far away again, and the new Fantastic Beasts trailer is the cherry on our movie madness sundae. "$5 to take a shit, please." Words you could be hearing on your next flight? So says Congressman Dan Lipinski (D-IL), whose "Comfortable and Fair Flights Act of 2015" is designed purely to forbid airlines from charging for bathroom access. Woodland, North Carolina shows us why we can't have nice things when people think solar energy is a finite resource. What the what? The Paris Climate Deal is official, and it relies heavily on voluntary commitments-- is there still cause to celebrate? Hidden From the Headlines reveals prejudices against women in Israel as Jennifer Lawrence posters are torn down and vandalized. Question of the Week: Fast food. Where would you eat the rest of your life, if you were forced to choose? Favorite Song of 2015 asks us each what epitomized the year for us. Surprise, bitch! interrupts a listener in the midst of finals. And in this week's installment of After Dark: Text messaging is so ubiquitous, it has its own etiquette. And a new study says ending your text with a period makes you sound disingenuous. "What's something you do that you secretly hope others do, too?" Buckle up. It's getting gross. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As the season finale gets closer and closer, we get a little nostalgic and invite ex-host Micah to join us for a very Trump-filled episode. The holiday season is about gift-giving (and nothing else) but sometimes it's a little stressful to find the perfect item for a loved one. So, the hosts have a few suggestions to help you out this festive season. We take a moment in the show to discuss the horrible mass shooting that happened in San Bernardino, California. The four of us are just so fed up with having to hear our politicians give their “thoughts and prayers” instead of getting off their asses and doing something! Andrew pledges that gun control is going to be his main focus in 2016 and isn’t afraid to be a dick about it! Jimmy Carter is cancer-free! Now, the 91-year-old former president has his whole life ahead of him. STD! Yeah, you know me! There’s this sexy new STD that’ll surely make the ladies bleed and gents cry (down there). Beijing has gone full “red alert” on their ongoing smog problem. Laura, tries to give us details on the matter but her usage of metric terms just confuses the boys. It is an Associate Producer’s Choice EXTRAVAGANZA! This week we are asked for advice on the responsibility of moving to a new city with or without the promise of a job. Plus, our favorite moments of 2015! And this week, on After Dark: In our second 'Favorite of 2015' segment, we share our favorite uplifting news moments of the year. Laura makes a huge confession that she's never told any of us before. Andrew is in shock and has several follow up questions. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Are we still doing this? Yes? Okay. This week's episode kicks off with a Secret Santa announcement that's going to have all four of us at the top of this year's Naughty List. Quickfire News takes us through the week's most gripping headlines 2 minutes at a time, wherein we try to wrap our heads around the cowardly Planned Parenthood shooting, Jeb Bush's dwindling credibility, and why ISIS fucks with ducks. #SueMe Andrew picks songs of dying animals screeching in foreign languages for our "No Context" game. Because biodiversity and clean air are about to become unicorns, we explain the climate change conference happening in Paris right now, and why, please God, it needs to include binding commitments. "The dress is white," they said. "Trust us," they said. In this week's Surprise, Bitch! we meet a listener in Chicago. Don't climb into Andrew's bed. Or let his dog lick your face. This show concludes with our favorite listener Confessionals, which seem to mirror our own secrets eerily well. And in this week's installment of After Dark: A woman has her ribs removed-- on purpose-- and West Point bans pillow fights. All in a week's worth of WTF News. Laura tests a new game called "Expert Opinion," wherein Andrew is forced to describe the flesh light manufacturing process and Matt has to write a show for Netflix. Shitty kitty and wanky spanky! This new gamey shwamey exposes how the world would communicate if it were run by Dr. Seuss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s a holiday week here in the United States, so the hosts are thinking less about ISIS and more about FUN in the 42nd edition of #Millennial. Congratulations to our raffle winners who’ve won a free month of Patreon for supporting us on iTunes! With Thanksgiving on the horizon we share family dinner horror stories from our listeners. We pray none of you have similar experiences this Thanksgiving. Black Friday is also upon us: Are any of us participating in the festivities? A bit of entertainment news: HBO is messing with us concerning the Jon Snow debate, and Mockingjay, Part 2 opened at the box office to a series low. Games games games! In “Who Said It?” Laura asks us to guess which legendary figureheads said weird-ass things. We play another round of Host Confessionals, in which the four of us unveil new secrets from our past (or present). Note to self: Don’t give (spoiler) any dolls this Christmas. We address a few fun questions from our listeners, including one in which we figure out which Harry Potter character each of our hosts are most similar to. Music Recommendations: Each of us gives you a great song to listen to while traveling for the holiday! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

To our French listeners and friends: we know you've heard so many condolences over the past week, so we hope ours don't sound rote or insincere. We hope you believe us when we tell you that our hearts bleed for you. We were nauseated by the unconscionable attacks orchestrated by those psychofuck pigs. But if there's one thing our shared history has taught us, it's that France is built of stronger stuff than anything-- anyone-- that has ever attacked it. You were the United States' first ally, before there even was a United States. We will always be yours. Vive la France.   In this week's episode of #Millennial: We take some time to deconstruct the heinous terrorist attacks in Paris last Friday. The four of us were in constant communication while the tragedy unfolded, and we share our thoughts from that night and our hopes for the coming weeks. Somewhat despicably, 28 United States governors (and counting) are now refusing to accept Syrian refugees within their states' borders, citing the fact that one of the terrorists allegedly disguised himself as one. We're all embarrassed.  In an effort to lighten the mood for those who need it most, we move on with the rest of the show, disseminating some exciting and bizarre entertainment news. Speaking of Katniss: someone give that girl a(n equal) paycheck. Jennifer Lawrence recently wrote about gender inequality in Hollywood, and while no one can relate to haggling over millions of dollars, most women can relate to her message. YOU get a civil rights violation! SHE gets a civil rights violation! EVERY.ONE.GETS. A CIVIL RIGHTS VIOLATION. Hidden from the Headlines reveals attorney-client privilege may be a thing of the past.  Associate Producer's Choice asks us about our gaming experiences: favorite consoles, favorite games, childhood nostalgia, and why Call of Duty is (sorry not sorry) overrated. And in this installment of After Dark: We wrap up our earlier conversation about Paris, addressing in particular the calls to support the victims of terrorism in Beirut as well. Fair point, but we have some conditions. Nick asks us how we keep our faith in humanity through these crises.  And finally, Oxford English Dictionary's Word of the Year? Emoji.  -_- Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

#Millennial turns 40 (weeks) in this mid-life crisis of an episode. Shooting the Shit opens the show with a new raffle opportunity for anyone who wants to leave an iTunes review and win a month of free Patreon. (After you've reviewed, enter here: https://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/c46bdea41/ ) The birds and the bees are important, and not just because they serve as convenient euphemisms for sex. They also pollinate our food, which is kind of, somewhat important. But the USDA is allegedly punishing their top scientist for publishing a report on how insecticides are killing them all off. Metrojet 9268 was a confirmed case of ISIS terrorism, and CNN is a confirmed case of journalistic failure. Their fear-mongering worked on at least one of us. SeaWorld announces a change to their usual Orca whale routine, but don't worry, they aren't changing the fact they're assholes. The U.S. comprises just 5% of the world's population, but 25% of the world's prisoners. But last week, the Justice Department released 6,000 of them in an effort to acknowledge that nonviolent drug offenders shouldn't be locked away for life. Hear us all struggle to connect Justin Bieber to prison reform! It's obvious, right? Bieber should be in prison? No Context comes back with a vengeance. What's this? The Confessional is back too?! It's been a while, but we bring back the segment to advise someone not to feel shame for what happened to them as a child. Surprise, Bitch! lands us a really cool listener single-handedly battling Donald Trump in Idaho. We make her play No Context, and she nails it. And in this week's After Dark: We devote the whole installment to discussing various Associate Producer's Choices-- topics submitted by our $10 supporters. Thanks babes. Questions include: What are our long-term plans for the show? (Spoiler: dating service.) What's our take on the whole Starbucks cup controversy? What's our favorite thing to complain about each holiday season? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s an Andrew-less episode this week. Buckle up, this is gonna be a rough ride. Our friend John Thrasher joins us - check out his podcast, Currently!  And in this week’s After Dark: A viral video of a school resource officer beating a teenage girl apparently isn’t evidence enough for some that we have a police brutality problem. We also can’t stop talking about Paul Ryan. GTFO our show, Paul. Laura and Matt are subjected to a round of Devil’s Advocate in which we learn that property damage is to be expected from UN staff and the average Joe doesn’t really need privacy anyway. Drunk or Kid features hair cutting, snot, marshmallows, and…. a strange liquid concoction. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

​Welcome back, sycophants. Episode 38 opens with a quick recap of the presidential election, wherein we bemoan the loss of both Joe Biden's and (probably) Jeb Bush's campaigns.​ Murdering toddlers: not as clear-cut of an issue as you might think. News kicks off with a warning for the small percentage of the population that eats meat. Harry's back! And not just Harry, but his son, Albus Severus Sirius James Carrot McNugget Toyota Steve Potter Jr. too! Hidden from the Headlines reveals historians recently discovered the origins of the King James Bible, and with it, perhaps a bit of realism about how best to interpret the Word of God. Surprise, BITCH! welcomes Paige and her deathly fear of sidewalks. Halloween inspires us to take a look at the history of the holiday, and more importantly, our own creepy-scary stories. And in this week's After Dark: Andrew asks us what other babies we'd kill, because why not. Our funniest Halloween stories reveal a lot about our childhoods and our friendships Somehow this segues into reliving the embarrassing tale of how the girls met, and how they collectively cyberbullied an online robot. It gets weird. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The new Star Wars movie is on the way, and Andrew reminds us all why it's important to stick a light-saber up your butt. Also: ​Congratulations on your hot new Prime Minister, Canada! Speaking of elections, we recap last week's Democratic debate and fight over who won versus who only appeared to win. Listener feedback reveals our listeners hate us. And this week's news kicks off with some gay shit. Why is everyone coming out over Facebook? Is there something about cat memes that evokes sexual empowerment in you people? Everything's bigger in Texas, including the sexism. Lawmakers in the state just banned taxpayer funding to Planned Parenthood and we… still don't get it. Surprise, bitch! is a miss then a hit that takes us right on back to Canada. And in this week's installment of After Dark: On the heels of all the Planned Parenthood controversies, the girls seek to dispel some common myths about the vagina and its health challenges. Buckle up. This is going places. Andrew squirms his way through a discussion about periods, but shares some critical insight about ball sacs. Have you been a good girl? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices